Living in a Fantasy World

I reckon that I spend a lot of time living a life in a world made up by my imagination. I spend a lot of time worrying about shit that never actually develops. Oh not to mention I build up in my mind how people must view me and what they must think of me. Pretty rich really if you think about it as I’m sure people have a lot more to think about than me. Now is that me thinking that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, wealthy enough the list could go on….. Or is it my mind telling myself all of that????

Why do I always sabotage things that could lead to something really good and that would help me to feel better about myself? Prime example I have a health coach that is helping me to do an immune reset protocol and along with helping the body to be healthy I could also be losing weight while doing it. You just can’t help it with the diet you go on, no sugar, no gluten, no dairy, no coffee even!!! You get the picture, I get very bored and next thing something happens in my life and I zoom right off track and go for comfort eating. Lollies, ice blocks, cookies all the sugar foods that give a short boost to feeling good while I eat them. I need to focus and I need to do this not only because I want to lose weight but my cholesterol is high and needs to be a lot lower. I was pre-diabetic but thankfully on my last blood test I have lowered out of that range. I know I can do this but I let myself get so far and then I fuck it up.

Last thought for the night, I have a few knocking around and blogging is one way I let them out. Do I enjoy being miserable? Actually am I that desperate for attention and love that I focus on the negative in the hope that people will give me attention, sympathy, support and maybe a hug??? I don’t know but I do know that it’s addictive to start thinking negative thoughts.

Need to do – not just try to do what my health coach is asking but to actually DO IT!!! Focus more on the negative and find something every day that is simple but such a blessing to have in my life. That’s it for tonights ramble, just let it out and now go and get an early night because that always helps too!

Reset my Compass

I need to slow down, I need to feel, I need to hurt, odd thing to say I know and this won’t make much sense or it will make perfect sense I don’t know. I have thoughts like this roll through my mind – “I can’t be alone in my own mind at the moment, being still and feeling, thinking it all hurts just to damn much.” and “Thousands of tears come to my eyes but no one see’s them as I blink them away everyday”. What did I use to do when my mind became to much? Well I would drink that’s what, I would drink until I was numb. I would drink until I couldn’t think, I would drink until I would pass out and fall asleep. It was never the solution but I tell you what just feeling numb and to still my mind would be very welcome. This is part of my mental health battle when it goes into over drive and the cogs are spinning way to fast it needs to stop and take a break and reset. Where am I starting with this reset? Well your reading it, I’m going to try to get back into posting on here more often just so I can scatter those thoughts out in here. It doesn’t have to always make sense, it doesn’t have to be brilliant but I do have to try to take steps to calm my mind.

What is the point???

God I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this and I really hope this is just a phase that I’m going through but more and more I find myself thinking what is the point really. I really feel like I’m bobbing around in the ocean just treading water, forever trying to keep my head above water and trying to swim towards a better day but there is an under current that keeps dragging me further and further from the shore. I want to believe that there is sunshine on the horizon and that I’m going to make it but after so long I am tired, so fucken tired and it feels like every so often my head sinks below the water line. Inside there is a spirit in me that wants to fight and kick harder and longer. My mind on the other hand is saying why? You have been doing this for years and you are no closer to that horizon. Sounds super dramatic but it’s just how I’ve been feeling for a while now and think it explains a lot.

I need to find away to come up with some goals and challenges (are they the same thing) in my life but I feel like that part of me is just flat lining. A good example of this is I hate being fat and I know what to do about it and yet I still don’t do anything about it, does that mean that I don’t want it bad enough? Does it mean that I can’t see the point because who am I doing it for really? Am I doing it so society doesn’t judge me, oh maybe so when I go to the doctors they don’t say jump on the scales and then put on my file still obese? I know that I would feel better if I did it but inside my will is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.

I need to figure something out in my mind, I do have so many things to be grateful for like friends, home, my dogs, a job, family etc but I just feel stuck and feel like I’m going to be this way for freakin years to come. When I say that I think of the debt that I carry and how it impacts on everything I do. Being poor sucks, being depressed sucks, having blessings doesn’t suck but it does when I can’t focus on them and be happy. Not even making sense now, I am extremely happy about my blessings in my life but so many parts feel stuck and I am the one with the power to change it but I have to swim harder. Hmmm or do I do I need to relax and let the current take me for a while???

Struggle with affection oh and the weight the damn weight …………

I was thinking today that I know I’m over weight and that I eat far to many ice creams and chocolate even though I know their bad for me and so is the weight and yet I am struggling to stop and to start looking after myself. I need to lose the weight and today I had one of those moments went I thought shit I think I know a huge part of why I am struggling with this. It comes down to self love doesn’t it? It comes down to self care as well. Then my thoughts went to even though I know that I’m a good person and deserve better there is still a part of me that is struggling to except self love.

I’ve posted before about my mother our was incredibly ill physically and mentally when I was born. I was a very difficult baby with milk allergies so I would scream and cry for hours. I was placed in my cot at the other end of the house and left to scream. I struggle to remember my childhood at all and I don’t think there was a lot of cuddling given nor love. I know that my mother has always had trouble bonding with me and the fact that I was a fat child and then adult has been mentioned often. The people that I trusted to love me and protect me actually ended up being my rapists and servers of abuse. No bloody wonder I’m struggling with thinking that I am good enough and deserve to do this.

Now I know that isn’t all of it because I also stress eat, boredom eat, you name it I just like food really. Thinking as I type I have seeked a lot of comfort in food because the yummy stuff has never failed to give me that moment of happiness. Now how to break the cycle…………………..

Faith & Hope

I feel incredible sadness inside over my little dog and the fight to keep her with me as her kidneys try to give up. I just can’t let myself dwell on it because it seriously drags me under into a place where I am so sad and terrified. I know it is a battle that we just can’t win and when the day comes I am really not sure how I am going to cope because it will be one of the biggest blows in my life to lose my little heart beat. So rather than dwell on that to much I am trying to look for things to be positive about and to look forward into my future. I have come such a long way but in some ways I am still very much stuck because of consequences of my actions while living the life of an alcoholic. Damn if I could just win Lotto, it doesn’t even have to be a big win just enough to pay off my debt would help so much. But there is one thing I have total faith in and that is I am always going to be helping the animals in this world as much as I can. I am hoping that I can figure out how to get into it as a career as well as I am not letting go of my dream. There is sadness but there is also faith that I will be okay and I will come out of this and into the light again.

That Really Is Enough

Unsure Of What Direction

I am unsure exactly of what direction to be taking and where to be heading. It’s like when I try to achieve more than just day to day living I don’t have the stamina to achieve it oh or the will power. Losing weight is a good example of the will power and I even congratulated myself while at the supermarket today I mentally talked myself out of buying chocolate so I guess I have taken a small step. Anyway back to what I originally wanted to type about. On Thursday night I got ill with an upset tummy and I truly don’t know if it was a bug or if the stress of worrying about my little dog had built up and my body couldn’t take anymore. On Friday once my tummy had settled enough I climbed onto the couch and I just slept the day away with my little dog. Then this weekend both days I have had nana naps on both days and yet I still feel tired. Trying to figure out how to push through this and find some energy again.

I just thought about a good way to describe the feeling, it’s like I’m in a fish bowl and I suddenly see an exit and start swimming towards it. Just as I get nearer the gap starts to close and I’m swimming harder and harder but the water starts to have a rip and it’s pulling me back to the center of the bowl. I just can’t make it and the gap closes, the water goes still but I’m still stuck in that darn fish bowl.

Super Market Shopping While Trying to Lose Weight

Hmmm asking for a friend (haha you know when someone starts with that they are pretty much bullshitting and embarrassed to admit it was them, so yep this is me) who wants to know is this bad or mean? Today I had to go to the supermarket to do some shopping for supplies for myself and the dogs. I was fully planning to do my shopping online so I wouldn’t be tempted with ice cream, lollies or normal chocolate (it really does taste better) but ended up having to go because the delivery schedule didn’t suit me. When I first went in it was a case of hmm what the heck can I get that isn’t going to go against what I’m trying to achieve. But as I started going around I managed to stay on track and I let my crazy way of thinking help me achieve this.

The supermarket was busy and after the veggies and fruit we go past the deli and then into the alcohol, not even a temptation there. Up into the bread and I started thinking maybe I can have a healthier bread like a low carb bread or one full of sunflower seeds and linseed but there wasn’t any left so I took that as a sign of no bread for you, smiled and carried on. Next to the cereal and I love my cereal with juice (50% less sugar, better than full sugar right?). Doodle, doodle, doodle, push that trolley around to the next aisle, ooh ahhh it’s the fucken lollie aisle!!!! OMG, OMG, NO!!! And my favorites are on special!!! How did I stop myself??? Here is the is this bad or mean part…… I looked around and spotted all the fat over weight people and told myself do you want to be like that??? If you do go ahead and buy the lollies and scoff the bag on the drive home BUT aren’t you sick of being fat, aren’t you sick of eating so much sickening sugar rich foods? Look again keep looking at the fat people as they push their trolleys around the supermarket. As they go past take note of what they have in their trolleys versus what the skinny people have in theirs. I carried on past the lollies and left them there. I won’t bore you with the rest of the trip but as you can guess there was lots of look at that fat gross person don’t end up like that. The answer is no I don’t, I’m tired of being over weight and unhealthy.

On the drive home I didn’t get to scoff the bag of lollies but I did get to think about how I just coped with my trip to the supermarket. Wow what a bitch, those poor fat people I shouldn’t be judging them like that as I’m fat myself. But then I thought, you know what I didn’t say it out loud to anyone, I didn’t hurt anyone and thinking further if someone had done the same thing while using me to mentally stop them I would say bloody good on you, well done.

Living life sober, raw & real has taught me the skills to start applying in other areas of my life. The jury is still out on what form of dieting I’m going to do and for now I’m going to focus on thinking about what I putting into my body. Ice Cream & lollies are out for now until I get my weight down. BUT I don’t ever intend to fully cut them out of my life, I did that for years when I wasn’t eating gluten or dairy and I think that was part of my problem. Now that I have been letting some gluten back into my diet and I have found dairy free, chocolate coated ice creams I have gone to the extreme because I went without for so long. Focused eating for now along with trying to walk more to get some exercise going.

My Inner Voice Can Be So Freakin Annoying!!!!!

Excited for the New Year

Funny I’m not normally one of those people that gets excited about starting a New Year but this time around for some reason I really am. Hmm maybe it comes with putting a Christmas tree up and feeling the festive spirit. But anyway I am trying to focus on what I can do that is positive and doable for me that will make me happier and improve me. I keep having things pop into my mind that I want to add to my remembered thoughts (haha I really do have a crap memory, awesome post idea in the morning come night time arrrgggghhhh what was that idea) but I am excited and ready. Let’s see how much I manage to start working on and actually achieve then ah.

• Improve health and loose weight
• Work on reducing my debt
• Work on getting my foot to heal – (just stopped this list and booked a Podiatrist)
• Spend as much time with my dogs as possible
• Go on more walks in nature
• Explore my city more and mark off all streets, roads etc as I go
• Read more books, I love my books
• Build up to doing my first 1/2 marathon

I’m sure there is so many more and know I have thought of them but bloody forgotten lol maybe it should be work on my memory. But working on my health which combines weight, mental health and physical health has to take priority. It’s not just a case of don’t get on the scales I actually feel fat and useless, my clothes don’t fit properly, my tummy is so round and I hate it, feeling like a slug, an unfit slug. I have the power to improve this and I have the mind power to make sure it happens.

I am going to start on the New Year, now before anyone says why not start now I am also very aware of how easy I end up feeling overwhelmed and at the moment my work hours are incredible and the stress of family Christmas time all need to be behind me so I can start with a clear slate. There will always be something and that is life, like my little dog being sick I can’t stop that but I will do everything in my power to keep her here and healthy for as long as I can but I can’t use that as an excuse for holding myself back as once that is sorted there will be something else.

Living life sober, raw and real kicks arse and is so much better than the shit life I was living as a drunk. I went into the festive season thinking oh it’s that tough time of the year when friends are out drinking and being jolly and that I would miss drinking. Actually I am having a happier and jollier time than them when I look at it. I look at each time they mention feeling unwell or hung over and just laugh and say I don’t miss that a bit. I am enjoying every morning but they are often sleeping off the night before while I am out enjoying myself. I didn’t even attend our work Xmas party (I had a tooth out that afternoon so it wasn’t intentional) and I didn’t miss it and I was actually much happier at home just doing my own thing. Hmmm just thought of, no remembered because I have thought about it before, something else I want to add to my to do list going to add it now. Sorry this one ended up a bit all over the place as my rambling dropped out of my mind and on to here!