Well I’m still exhausted and everything feels like an effort and heavy and even my eyeballs are tired! I don’t know if the emotional ride I just gave myself was so intense that it zap any energy I had or if I’m not well at the moment. You know those moments when you are so tired you feel like you’ve got the flu because your body aches? Well that’s how I feel right now but and this is a huge BUT I feel so calm. What I would love is to take off in a camper van with my dogs and just travel and stop where I want and just cruise and enjoy the break. I want to wake up without the aid of an alarm and if I had a choice to the sound of waves crashing on the beach. Get up and walk the dogs on the beach and come back to the van and enjoy a morning coffee and breakfast with them and to just sit and enjoy. No need to hurry so I can get to work on time. No difference between a week day and a weekend. Explore the walks and sights of different places, enjoy my own company and just enjoy moments of peace. I don’t want to be around other people at the moment. I want to be able to meditate at any moment I feel the urge. I want to relax on the bed of the camper van with a good book and the dogs by my side. I don’t even want my phone or computer I want to go internet free. I just want to be me and have no schedules just take it as it comes. Even going to bed at sunset and getting up to see the sunrise just sounds like heaven.
But then reality sets in and instead I know tomorrow I have to prepare for a hard work week ahead with early starts and full days. I also have no money to go anywhere with and I have bills that need to be paid. Treatment for my dog needs to be paid for and regular vet appointments meet. I don’t own a van and it’s not safe anymore for a female to travel and sleep in vehicles alone. Ahhhh but I can dream can’t I and even though I can’t do all of these things it’s okay because I am still smiling as I type this. Even having this dream but having to face the reality of my life is so much better and blessed than what so many have, I am lucky. One day the debt will be paid, at the very least I will have vacation time and even a week or two away with my dogs will be freakin heaven.
Living life sober, raw and real is such a blessing and I really can’t see myself bothering to ever drink again. I just can see the point of wasting money but more importantly wasting my time on it when I have so much to do and see and I want to do it 100% sober.
I wish there was some step by step plan that someone could lay out for me so I knew what to work on first. I feel like I have so many and I just get overwhelmed, I start having all these thoughts bubbling away and yet I am almost scared to start. I don’t know which one to start with, how many at once is to many and which one would benefit me the most. Oh and in which order should I do them. Or am I pushing myself to hard and should I just relax a bit and let whatever I should be working on next just develop when the time is right?
Feeling a bit over the place tonight but let me give you an example, my depression. It seems the more I research and look for possible causes the longer the list is getting of things I could try so where do I start with that list. Actually typing it out here I am thinking the most obvious places and lets try getting more sleep each night. What about more exercise we could add that to it. I could look at increasing my walking thus also training towards those marathons I want to sign up for next year. Then so far in my research I have read that gluten & sugar can both contribute so maybe going for a more fresh food diet might help. Increasing water intake can help as well and that might help to stop the amount of comfort food I am eating. See how just one thing rolls on to another and another. maybe tomorrow night I should list just waht are my goals and then pick which order I want to attack them.
Living life sober and being in the here and now are what is making all of this possible. I am making great steps and I think I have an impatient battle going on when I want to fix everything at once and improve everything all at once. But the most amazing blessing of this all is the fact that I am having thoughts and wanting to set goals all towards improving myself and my future.
“We need much less than we think we need.”
― Maya Angelou
Okay this is going to be a little bit tricky because my debt does play heavily on my mind a LOT. But let’s think about it there has to be positives in here.
For those of you that have followed my journey this paragraph will be boring so jump to the next one. I am in debt up to my little eyeballs and most of it is my fault. You see when I was drinking myself to death and slowly drowning in my own depression I was foolish with my money. For those of you that say be kind to myself I could say that I was unwell and not thinking clearly which would be true. I would spend money to try to cheer myself up, I would shop online while I was drunk as well. It was actually nice receiving parcels all the time and would be a great pick me up. Of course there was booze, you know the buying of booze that is and it took a lot of money to support my alcoholic self. I also convinced myself that if I spent all my money and savings I wouldn’t be able to afford booze. And the kicker that I didn’t admit / realize until I was over a year sober I didn’t think I would be here to have to pay it back. Suicide was my escape and I really didn’t think I would have the worry of paying the loans and credit cards back my life insurance would of covered all that. Okay this post is not about all that but I wanted to give you a bit of the background.
Now on to the contentment and blessings – I am so very lucky to have a full time job which means that I have an income! Because of this I can afford everything I need for myself and my dogs. Because of my earnings we have our home / power / water / food and the funds to pay vet expenses and to pay towards my debt. I am content that with my income and by using my savvy I can eventually work my way out of my debt. Actually with my income I am going to work towards setting goals and plans to pay it off as quickly as possible. I have to try to keep it realistic and instead of it taking the projected 7 years maybe I can achieve it in 5 or less. I am content that I am starting to think in this way and am excited with the thoughts starting to grow in my mind on how I’m going to crawl out of this shitty debt. I am content that I have the income to do this with and am going to stay with a goal, plan, target and maybe away of rewarding myself as I achieve this. I feel like part of it is that I need to also have an end goal in mind so I can wave it like a carrot to a rabbit.
Living sober has given me the power to see where I have gone wrong but it has also given me the power to find away to fix it.
Well signing up for any marathons just yet has been grounded for now. My chiropractor has advised that it would be a stupid thing to do when we have spent the last few months (and still are) treating my feet for plantar fasciitis. I’m disappointed because I was using my yearning to help the animals to help myself by signing up for the SPCA fundraising marathon, or half marathon in my case. I am struggling to find motivation to exercise and I start with a hiss and roar and then stop. With work, volunteering, taking care of my dogs, taking care of all housework (I live alone so have to do it all myself) etc I really struggle to find the time. I was trying to get up at 5.30am to jump on the X-trainer and that lasted a week before I was exhausted. I often don’t finish my volunteer role until after 10.30pm and then when I’m finished I watch my favorite the good old Gilmore Girls to unwind and until I fall asleep. Hmmmm I’m going to have to put more thought into all of this. I am not liking the fact that I am slowly increasing in weight gain and I also don’t like being this unfit.
Exercise – maybe train for next years 1/2 marathon which would be a much slower build up than aiming for this year.
Read Books – I have so many books that I am sure will help, motivate and relax me just by spending time reading them.
Eat Better – Less chocolate and oh the dairy free Magnum ice creams I have found
More Sleep – Always exhausted and a lot is simply because I don’t get to bed early enough and actually go to sleep. Once I’m asleep I’m fine but at night I seem to come alive again.
I feel like I have come so far and yet I still have a long way to go all at once. There are a few things rattling in my mind that still need a lot of work on and they are –
- Finances – I have shared with you all that while I was living as an alcoholic I ran up huge debt and I am struggling to make a dent in paying that back. There was numerous reasons for my debt and a couple were that I was so depressed while living the life of an alcoholic that I was trying to buy happiness. Along with my depression there was a long period when I wanted to commit suicide and these thoughts and plans were very strong. I honestly did not think I would still be here to have to pay the loans off. I had it all worked out my life insurance was more than enough to cover the debt so I just didn’t care. Now I do want to be here and although living pay check to pay check sucks it’s better than the alternative.
- Weight Loss – I am so chubby / fat / even obese and it makes me sad and yet I am struggling with not putting the food in my mouth. There is a LOT of comfort eating going on and I can see that is what is happening and really need to find a way to stop as my weight is slowly creeping up and up.
- Fitness – I walk the dogs at least once a day and I am quite strong but I really don’t exercise. I started to try to commit to every day for a month on the X-trainer and that was a big fat fail with me stopping after about a week. I have an idea in my head about signing up for half marathons over the next 10 months and that way I will need to train and get my fitness up, I will need to keep it up, I will need to lose some weight (so I don’t have to carry it like a sack of potatoes everywhere) and by setting this goal hopefully the weight loss & fitness will work it out together.
- Career – Hmm this one is making me sad, I wanted / want??? to become an Animal Welfare Inspector but the worry of my finances are causing me to worry. I am already drowning in debt and to take out another loan for $6k for my study and then the pay decrease when I do qualify are playing on my mind. I just don’t know if I can afford to do it at the moment. Then I worry that the longer I leave it the older I will be and will I physically be up to it. Arrrggghhh this one is a big one. Can I learn to be happy and content with what I am doing now, I don’t know because it honestly feels like my soul is slowly dying some days and other days I know it’s what I have to do to pay the debt so I can stop stressing about the money.
Living life sober is the best gift I have given myself and it takes work and commitment. I need to make sure I am giving myself self care and empathy while I am trying to find myself and just trying to make things work and improve for myself.
So I’m sitting here just thinking about it more and more and the more I think about it the more I think can I? should I? would I? Then I think just fucken do it!!!! Then I get carried away and not only have I found 1 that I want to do I have actually found 6 in total, that’s right 6 marathons over the next year. Lets see go from sloth AKA couch potato to a person who does marathons WTF right! Do I go for 6 marathons at 42km’s each or do I go for the 21km’s half marathon events hmmmm I’m not sure on that one. The first event would be in 3 months time so possibly the half and see if that kills me, I’ll think and see. That would mean I am doing events in September, October, December, February, March & April.
Why am I even thinking about it??? Well I need to get into exercise and I am struggling to stay motivated BUT if I have a goal to aim for I am a stubborn arse shit and I think I have a better chance of sticking at it. Also hopefully over that period of time I will form a habit and actually stick at it once they are all finished. Shit if I do the 21km’s this year what if I aim for the 42km’s next time round when I am fitter.
There is another reason why I need to do this I need to stop dwelling on things and feeling sad. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant and I need it I know that being an alcoholic it’s to easy for me at the moment to think what’s the point what does it matter if I drink but I realize that is my alcoholic inner beast talking. Can I pull this off, can I find the time to do this, will my body be able to cope with this? I need things to look forward to, I need things that I am proud of myself for achieving afterwards. At the moment if I don’t have some sort of goal or plan I am drifting and it’s a dangerous sort of drifting.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be but it does always require an awareness of my alcoholic demon and I have to be prepared to put in the work and have plans and goals in place to keep me heading in the right direction.
I having one of those extra sensitive moments, it’s okay and it will pass and I know that a lot of this has to do with me being a sensitive soul. I know that when I was drinking I was numbing everything and not feeling anything good or bad. I think now that as a result of this I feel things deeper and harder which can be quite overwhelming because I am really quite a sensitive soul, probably why I spent so much time making sure I wasn’t feeling anything.
Anyway my little purge tonight is just that my sensitive little soul over reading and over reacting and it needs to calm itself down. I am feeling sad that I seem to be the one of my friends that always takes the time to reach out and see how they are doing and to have a little chat regularly. But my sensitive soul is noticing that it’s always me doing the reaching and that hurts to be honest. I don’t quite know what to do as my mind over thinks it all and a part of me thinks what did I do? Was I too needy, did I annoy them by contacting too much? Like I get that people are busy but if you have friends don’t you make a little bit of time for them every so often? My mind is wondering if I just stop messaging for a while and see what happens or is that just being stupid?? Arrgggh what do I find relationships so complicated. Do I just keep going like nothing is wrong? I’m just feeling sad and blue about it all but I know this will most likely pass.
I need to calm it down and not upset myself, I need to be kind to myself and go within and figure out why I am having this insecure moment. I need to just know that I am loved and that people get busy and they have their own family and other friends. I need to trust that they aren’t bored with me and moving on. Maybe I need to learn how to reach out and tell them how I’m feeling, but will that blow the friendship. Oh geezzz stop it mind, just stop.
On a totally different note I have been thinking about my big fat fail at exercise and wondering what is it I need to do to motivate myself. Now I think anyone who has read a couple of my posts has figured out how much I love animals so I am thinking of a way that might work. I have already skydived to help raise funds for the SPCA and to me that was a huge mental challenge and tick on my bucket list. Well this time I am thinking of a physical challenge and there is a run / walk fund raising marathon for the SPCA in October this year. I searched fitness challenges for causes and it came up like a meant to be. Now there are 3 groups 5km’s, 12 km’s, 21.1 km’s (what the fuck is with the .1 seriously) OR the full marathon of 42.195 km’s (now .195??? this is getting ridiculous) . Guess which one I’m thinking of doing, if your gonna aim for a goal why not make it big right? And the bigger and harder the target the more likely people are to sponsor you for it. Oh and I would get to add marathon with a big fat tick to the completed list on my bucket list.
I’m living life sober and I’m determined to fucken rock it!!!