I am unsure exactly of what direction to be taking and where to be heading. It’s like when I try to achieve more than just day to day living I don’t have the stamina to achieve it oh or the will power. Losing weight is a good example of the will power and I even congratulated myself while at the supermarket today I mentally talked myself out of buying chocolate so I guess I have taken a small step. Anyway back to what I originally wanted to type about. On Thursday night I got ill with an upset tummy and I truly don’t know if it was a bug or if the stress of worrying about my little dog had built up and my body couldn’t take anymore. On Friday once my tummy had settled enough I climbed onto the couch and I just slept the day away with my little dog. Then this weekend both days I have had nana naps on both days and yet I still feel tired. Trying to figure out how to push through this and find some energy again.
I just thought about a good way to describe the feeling, it’s like I’m in a fish bowl and I suddenly see an exit and start swimming towards it. Just as I get nearer the gap starts to close and I’m swimming harder and harder but the water starts to have a rip and it’s pulling me back to the center of the bowl. I just can’t make it and the gap closes, the water goes still but I’m still stuck in that darn fish bowl.
Hmmm asking for a friend (haha you know when someone starts with that they are pretty much bullshitting and embarrassed to admit it was them, so yep this is me) who wants to know is this bad or mean? Today I had to go to the supermarket to do some shopping for supplies for myself and the dogs. I was fully planning to do my shopping online so I wouldn’t be tempted with ice cream, lollies or normal chocolate (it really does taste better) but ended up having to go because the delivery schedule didn’t suit me. When I first went in it was a case of hmm what the heck can I get that isn’t going to go against what I’m trying to achieve. But as I started going around I managed to stay on track and I let my crazy way of thinking help me achieve this.
The supermarket was busy and after the veggies and fruit we go past the deli and then into the alcohol, not even a temptation there. Up into the bread and I started thinking maybe I can have a healthier bread like a low carb bread or one full of sunflower seeds and linseed but there wasn’t any left so I took that as a sign of no bread for you, smiled and carried on. Next to the cereal and I love my cereal with juice (50% less sugar, better than full sugar right?). Doodle, doodle, doodle, push that trolley around to the next aisle, ooh ahhh it’s the fucken lollie aisle!!!! OMG, OMG, NO!!! And my favorites are on special!!! How did I stop myself??? Here is the is this bad or mean part…… I looked around and spotted all the fat over weight people and told myself do you want to be like that??? If you do go ahead and buy the lollies and scoff the bag on the drive home BUT aren’t you sick of being fat, aren’t you sick of eating so much sickening sugar rich foods? Look again keep looking at the fat people as they push their trolleys around the supermarket. As they go past take note of what they have in their trolleys versus what the skinny people have in theirs. I carried on past the lollies and left them there. I won’t bore you with the rest of the trip but as you can guess there was lots of look at that fat gross person don’t end up like that. The answer is no I don’t, I’m tired of being over weight and unhealthy.
On the drive home I didn’t get to scoff the bag of lollies but I did get to think about how I just coped with my trip to the supermarket. Wow what a bitch, those poor fat people I shouldn’t be judging them like that as I’m fat myself. But then I thought, you know what I didn’t say it out loud to anyone, I didn’t hurt anyone and thinking further if someone had done the same thing while using me to mentally stop them I would say bloody good on you, well done.
Living life sober, raw & real has taught me the skills to start applying in other areas of my life. The jury is still out on what form of dieting I’m going to do and for now I’m going to focus on thinking about what I putting into my body. Ice Cream & lollies are out for now until I get my weight down. BUT I don’t ever intend to fully cut them out of my life, I did that for years when I wasn’t eating gluten or dairy and I think that was part of my problem. Now that I have been letting some gluten back into my diet and I have found dairy free, chocolate coated ice creams I have gone to the extreme because I went without for so long. Focused eating for now along with trying to walk more to get some exercise going.
Funny I’m not normally one of those people that gets excited about starting a New Year but this time around for some reason I really am. Hmm maybe it comes with putting a Christmas tree up and feeling the festive spirit. But anyway I am trying to focus on what I can do that is positive and doable for me that will make me happier and improve me. I keep having things pop into my mind that I want to add to my remembered thoughts (haha I really do have a crap memory, awesome post idea in the morning come night time arrrgggghhhh what was that idea) but I am excited and ready. Let’s see how much I manage to start working on and actually achieve then ah.
- Improve health and loose weight
- Work on reducing my debt
- Work on getting my foot to heal – (just stopped this list and booked a Podiatrist)
- Spend as much time with my dogs as possible
- Go on more walks in nature
- Explore my city more and mark off all streets, roads etc as I go
- Read more books, I love my books
- Build up to doing my first 1/2 marathon
I’m sure there is so many more and know I have thought of them but bloody forgotten lol maybe it should be work on my memory. But working on my health which combines weight, mental health and physical health has to take priority. It’s not just a case of don’t get on the scales I actually feel fat and useless, my clothes don’t fit properly, my tummy is so round and I hate it, feeling like a slug, an unfit slug. I have the power to improve this and I have the mind power to make sure it happens.
I am going to start on the New Year, now before anyone says why not start now I am also very aware of how easy I end up feeling overwhelmed and at the moment my work hours are incredible and the stress of family Christmas time all need to be behind me so I can start with a clear slate. There will always be something and that is life, like my little dog being sick I can’t stop that but I will do everything in my power to keep her here and healthy for as long as I can but I can’t use that as an excuse for holding myself back as once that is sorted there will be something else.
Living life sober, raw and real kicks arse and is so much better than the shit life I was living as a drunk. I went into the festive season thinking oh it’s that tough time of the year when friends are out drinking and being jolly and that I would miss drinking. Actually I am having a happier and jollier time than them when I look at it. I look at each time they mention feeling unwell or hung over and just laugh and say I don’t miss that a bit. I am enjoying every morning but they are often sleeping off the night before while I am out enjoying myself. I didn’t even attend our work Xmas party (I had a tooth out that afternoon so it wasn’t intentional) and I didn’t miss it and I was actually much happier at home just doing my own thing. Hmmm just thought of, no remembered because I have thought about it before, something else I want to add to my to do list going to add it now. Sorry this one ended up a bit all over the place as my rambling dropped out of my mind and on to here!
I would have to say that I’m a fighter, I’m a survivor, I’m proud of the me I have become BUT and yep there is always a but although I am proud of all of those things and more I have something that is making me sadder and sadder and more withdrawn and that is my weight. I can’t stop thinking about it and how it just keeps escalating and how every extra kilogram that I gain makes me sadder and madder at myself. I have a foot injury which hasn’t helped as I am suppose to rest it as much as possible. I was getting so stressed about trying to achieve everything at once and putting so much pressure on myself that I had to stop and just be in the moment and acknowledge how far I have come and just be content for a while.
But now, now I think it’s time to focus on losing the weight and I am hoping to use the same mental attitude that I did for giving up drinking! I have a powerful mind and it can either work for or against me and I know I choose and have to fight my own crazy little inner voices.
Living life sober, raw and real I believe has given me the mental strength to use my mind for what I want to achieve.
I spend so much time thinking I want to earn more, lose weight, pay of the debt, study for Animal Welfare…… want, want, want. But tonight while I was walking the dogs I thought you no what, none of those things will mean jack shit when I die. There is one thing I don’t need to work for, earn more for blah blah and that is my kindness. I will die a happy person if what I am remembered for is my kindness. I can live without the rest, I’m fine with that (I’m not giving up on trying to improve myself at all) but I want to be kind to others.
I think I am fortunate with what has happened to me in my life because it has equipped me with amazing empathy and kindness. I know how it feels to be treated badly whether it be through abandonment or abuse or even self abuse with my alcoholism. I am so glad that I am living life sober and now I don’t suffer from anxiety as bad and I can show this side of myself to more people.
Oh I know what else I want to be remembered for….. making a difference for the animals, for the ones that can’t speak up for themselves;
Why am I tired at night but I just don’t want to go to bed because I have so much I want to do (like writing my post for you all) and just not enough hours in my day so I stay up being a night owl? It does make getting up in the morning a bit harder and the alarm does get frowned at lol. I get up two hours, actually let me start that again. My alarm goes off two hours before I need to leave for work each morning but by the time I get up, have a long shower (I love long showers), get breakfast and medications for the dogs, make my lunch, get my breakfast and check up on my volunteer work it is time to get my bum out the door. Work, work, work, I work full time 5 days a week so get home in the evening, walk the dogs, feed and medicate the dogs, cook my dinner, do my volunteer work and then before I bloody know it I have hit the I really should be going to bed time!
Don’t get me wrong I’m so grateful that I have a full time job because that is what is going to get me out of my debt. I just can’t help but think I need more hours in my day! I love spending time with my dogs, doing my volunteer work (which I can do while still being with my dogs), and I actually like doing my housework but I really need to find extra hours to do fun stuff. Fun stuff like exploring this city, reading one of the many books I have sitting here, listening to music, watching a good movie, blogging, I could go on there is just so many things I would love to do or try if only I had time.
Damn it there is a good book I would like to read now but I need to go to bed and get some sleep but before I do I will watch some of my treasured Gilmore Girls with the TV set on timer so if I fall asleep the TV will turn itself off. Have a good night or day depending on which part of this world you live in, hope you find time to do somethings you enjoy.
Living life sober, raw & real I can’t help but think I wasted so much time drinking when I could of been doing so much more. Thank goodness I am now sober and am living a life that lets me do these things I just have to find time to fit more in while also giving myself down time.
I spend 70% of my time either working or volunteering or doing things for others and last weekend I took time out to have some time for ME. To go to my special place which is a tropical garden you are suppose to make a gold coin donation when you enter and I didn’t have any gold coins left so went for a bit of a drive around instead. It got me thinking about how much do we actually explore our own back yards? I went to one part of our city that I hadn’t been to before and it was an industrial area, thankfully it was the weekend so I wasn’t annoying anyone with my Nana driving and taking everything in. It was good just taking in the sights and noticing some things that I wouldn’t of if I hadn’t of taken the time. We have some massive boats, ferries, yachts in our city that are having work done on them and I had no idea that we could cater such huge launches they would have to be worth a couple of million alone.
I am trying to come up with things to get me out and all part of a self care plan to ensure that I get down time from work and volunteering. I have just added this to my list along with the tropical gardens – I have a map of the city and I am going to work my way through it by either driving, walking and eventually maybe cycling (if I can find a bike) my way around the city. While I do this I am hoping to find things that are interesting, magical or just plan beautiful to practice my photography skills on.
Living life sober, raw and real is the best gift I gave myself and I know I wouldn’t be living the life I am now and planning things like the above if I wasn’t.
Well I have done it, this year, today I put up a Christmas Tree in my home and it looks so lovely even if I do say so myself. For years I have had a bah humbug attitude towards Christmas but this year I am determined to have some festivity in my life and home. It actually feels really nice sitting here looking at the tree with the beautiful light flashing, I thought my dogs might be scared by them but they haven’t worried about them at all.
I did want to share with you all though that by my own experience the festive season is not always a happy time of the year for everyone. I enjoy getting together with my family in one way but in another way it is really, really hard. To sit at the table eating your Christmas dinner with someone who raped you way back when I was still a child but bordering on being a teenager is really difficult. For reasons discussed previously I have not ever told my family about my rapes by the family member and then by my ex but it is something that you can forgive but you can never forget. I find myself going through the motions and putting on a happy face, previously I would drink a bit and then get home and get totally pissed just to forget it all. Now I don’t have that so called luxury, instead I have to face it head on and the raw emotions and feelings that come with it. It occurred to me last year that why should this time of year be so miserable for me for the whole month?? I am the one with the power to make it not be miserable and I also hold the power to look after myself and ensure that I do give myself some self care and be kind to myself. Unfortunately I will still have to face the family Christmas dinner because to not show for that would break my parents hearts and I can never explain to them why I would rather not so I will have to attend that. But I can make sure I have a lovely morning first with a nice walk with my dogs. Go for family lunch and come home in the afternoon to hang out with my dogs again. Maybe have something yummy and special for dinner, I don’t know just find away to make sure I do enjoy it.
My whole point is look after each other, if someone isn’t in the whole festive mood maybe there is a bloody good reason for it. Living life sober, raw and real is letting me have thoughts like this and to start to take action to change the parts of my life that make me sad.