Category Archives: Weightloss Fitness and Health

Exercise – Day One

Okay I had to put “Exercise” in the header because I didn’t want anyone thinking oh fuck she’s fallen off the wagon again. Nope, nope still sober 16 months & 4 days and counting and no desire to be any other way. There are times when I would like the ability to numb when I just can’t switch my mind off or when I get far to stressed but seriously I don’t want to use alcohol to do that anymore I will find other techniques and skills to deal with things now. I really have uncovered some crap in my life over the last 16 months (oddly enough I still can’t remember my childhood but my therapist said that may never happen) and I have been progressing and dealing with a LOT. Even though I struggle with it all at times and I do have many patches of depression and sadness I feel that I am much healthier mentally than when I was numbing it out and not facing those feelings.

Anyway I am stalling the real point of this post, today I exercised. Every day I walk my dogs at least once but it’s not really exercise because they stop to sniff the roses, grass, bush, pee trail you get the idea there is a lot of dawdling involved with lots of stops. I don’t normally hurry them because I am a believer in their noses and the scents they tell are telling them stories and would I want to be dragged away when in the middle of a chapter, hell no I wouldn’t. Today was a wet and windy day so instead of going outdoors for a walk I jumped on the x-trainer for 30 minutes. I might change my mind but I have decided that by posting on here with my boozing I was putting it out in the universe and making myself accountable. So here I am putting out that I want exercise to become a habit, I am hoping that by adding it into my daily routine that it will help with my depression as well. I am sick of being a sloth (I love sloths by the way) and am getting fatter and need to exercise but at this stage I am only starting with exercise and here is why. Every other time I have raced in and I have tried doing exercise and diet and therapy and sobriety all at once and frankly I got overwhelmed. My plan is to exercise every day and then when I am ready start on the diet.

Oh but I have added these shot drinks into my day that smell and taste like they came fresh out of the lawn mower. They come in powder form and you just add water and shake them up. The powder is made up of the following – wheatgrass, barleygrass, green pea, broccoli sprout, spearmint, manuka leaf, blackcurrant & boysenberry. I am really keen to see if these help me and as well as a zillion other benefits it is suppose to help with my anemia so lets see what happens. If your interested at all this is the link to them – http://www.nutrientrescue.nz

With regards to the gluten free diet my plans are as I use things up I will replace with gluten free, I have been gluten free previously for years so know I can do it. Financially I can’t afford to waste the current food and supplies I have hence just doing it as I run out.

Hmm I guess I am tackling exercise and diet at once in away. Oh one thing I love when I am exercising is some of the great podcasts I get to listen to and here are two things I remember from todays session that struck a cord with me. We are all wanting to be loved and to feel like we belong but there is a difference between a tribe and a community. These are what Tribe and Community originally meant or how they formed.

Tribes were formed out of a mutual hate. – Communitys were formed out mutual love.

Next statement that got me thinking – Humans have been given the ability to love more than evolution requires.

Both of those I got from listening to – Oprah / Super Soul Conversations – David Brooks / The Quest For A Moral Life

Living life sober, raw & real is a blessing and one I fully intend to be giving myself for the rest of my life. It is one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself.

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Feeding the mind with positive

As part of my fitness journey I have been getting up at 5am (let’s not get to excited it’s only been two mornings in a row lol) and jumping on my cross trainer. If I do that at that time it doesn’t matter if I get all sweaty because I would normally get up at 6am and shower to start my day anyway. Anyway to pass the time I have been listening to the Podcasts Magic Lessons by Elizabeth Gilbert, OMGosh they are good. She is an amazing person and the guests that she has on there are so wise and smart. I have been finding that it really does make me question things and things that I thought was just weird old me are really quite normal and the majority of people suffer from the same anxieties and low self esteem, those are just some of the examples so you know what I am talking about. It is such a great way to start your day and I am finding that getting the exercise done and out of the way before anything else makes me feel so much better about myself as well.

I was wondering do any of you have some favorite podcasts that you can recommend?

Sick of being a fatty

I’ve got to admit that there is something I am a little disappointed about with giving up drinking, I had this stupid idea that just giving up the bottle would make the excess weight start to drop off. I feel ripped off and disappointed and thinking dummy all at the same time. Hmmm thinking it is time to exercise more, monitor what I eat and earn that weight loss. I was quite happy (and don’t regret) that at the start of my sober journey I decided to focus on the mental side of things and not overwhelm myself by trying to achieve everything all at once. Well today I can say that I am only 5 foot 1 inch and am 81kgs heavy, way to much and I don’t like the spare tyres, love handles or verandah over the toy box AT ALL. I am ready and it is time. I have some concerts I am going to friends with this year and the first one is in August lets see what I can achieve in 3 months. Remember I can’t afford the gym or a personal trainer so its gonna be me doing it this time around.

Living with an addict is hard

Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.

My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.

I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.

How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment?  I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.

Looking Forward To A Sober Summer

I am really looking forward to this summer, my first summer sober, it’s going to be freaking awesome!!!! No hangovers, no forgotten memories this is going to be the best one I will have on memory.

How sad arse is this I can even remember a time after a hard night of drinking I went to the beach the next day with all the night before party goers. I think when I first got there I would of still been drunk from all the Sambuca the night before. This is not surprising considering I drunk a bottle on my own which is something I say with shame now not with pride like I used to.  I have no idea why I even agreed to going to the beach since I am one of those people that hate the beach. I love swimming but that sand and grit mixed with the fact I get skin cancer makes it a stupid place for me to be. After about 1/2 an hour of being there I actually had to go for a swim a long, long, long way out. My reason for this swim was not a sudden burst of energy but to vomit up the poison of the night before. I had to swim a long way as to not be seen or to have my vomit polute the swimming area of anyone else. I am way out and just treading water vomitting, it was so gross I had to vomit then dive under the water and away from the stream of vomit. You would of thought at this point I would of thought to myself gee do I have a drinking problem, seriously. I am so glad that I didn’t drown that day but no I survived to party on again that night.

ANYWAYS….. this summer is going to be so different, I can’t wait. I have such a basic but happy life. I am going to take my dogs for walks in the evenings once the day’s heat has died down. Last weekend I got a vegetable garden planted so I am going to have fresh salads. potatoes, broccoli, carrots and tomatoes etc. I will be sober and awake so I can even enjoy watching and remembering TV in the evenings (I repeat TV is so much better when you can actually keep up with what is happening). Oh and if TV is crap I have some wonderful books that I might even take the time to read.  Oh I have just thought of another I can even go walking myself in the evenings for exercise (walking the dogs isn’t the same by the time they stop to sniff everything, I always remind myself it is their walk not mine) and keep going with my fitness / get healthy buzz, 9.5 kgs down so far YES!! Oh there is just so much more I can do SOBER I think my biggest barrier is going to be time but at least I won’t be wasting time drunk, asleep drunk or sleeping off being drunk the next morning. Life is good sober people, SO MUCH BETTER.

Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

Missing the Pleasant Numb Feeling

I’ve gotta be honest I do miss the numb buzz I used to get while I was drinking. I miss the way it could make me chill and forget about all the crazy shit my mind comes up with. So you understand I will explain a bit further some of the crazy thoughts I put myself through.

I have thought about it long and hard, since I have time now that I am not drinking, I have the lowest of low self esteem. I really care about other people and their feelings and always take time to listen to people and hear what they really are saying. But when it comes to myself I have this feeling of I couldn’t give a shit. While I was in a major low of my depression I understand how people could end it all when they get that low. Now in my mind I wipe that idea out real fast but not for myself. I worry about what would happen to my dogs without me. I could not do it because then I would leave behind a truck load of hurt and anger for my family and few friends. I would possibly leave them having to cope with the guilt that they didn’t notice that I was near that point which would be silly because I could of asked them for help and they would of been there for me in a heartbeat. But I wouldn’t ask them for help because I always think that other people have got enough going on in their own world that I should not load them with my bullshit as well. I would worry about the toll it would take on my parents because you never expect to our live your children and things would never be the same for them again. I would worry about my brother and the fact that I wouldn’t be around to keep an eye out for him. My brother got involved in drugs in his teenage years and it has done so much damage to him that he thinks he functions like a normal person but in some things he needs some one to keep an eye out for him. I don’t have many friends as I am socially awkward but the couple that I do have are 2 of the most amazing ladies but I could never hurt them by leaving them in this way. They would forever be asking themselves why didn’t I come and ask for help then probably followed by anger that I could do such a thing. I used to think that taking your own life was the biggest form of being a coward that there is. I don’t think that anymore and I understand how some people can do it. I have family and as I said a couple of friends but while I am going through this I feel so lonely.

Sorry went of on a bit of a roll there trying to get things out of my head but I think you get the general feeling that I would not ever take my life but the reason why is not for myself but for my pets, family and friends. I have to figure out how to get some self esteem. Part of trying to build up some is by going to the gym. My best friend has been working there as a personal trainer and she has helped me so much and worked out a couple of awesome programmes for me. She does this on weekends as well as working during the week at another job. I knew that she intended to give up the gym as she needs to spend time with her family and have down time for herself. But today when I found out that she had given a months notice I didn’t show it but I was so upset. I need someone like her around in my life at the moment, I enjoy the gym but having her there on weekends makes it such a boost to my mood and confidence and I am going to struggle to keep going without her there. She is very busy and has family, work and church commitments so I don’t know how and nor do I feel that I can ask her to still give me a little bit of her time. I am struggling to fight this depression and don’t know how to ask a friend for help. Also is it really a friends problem I ask myself should I be seeking out a counselor even thought the thought of talking to someone about myself makes me absolutely cringe inside.

I will not do anything stupid but man am I stuck in a rut. On a positive note today at the gym my friend got me doing box squats and got me up to 30kg weights, pull ups, press ups, leg ups etc all stuff that I didn’t really think my body was ready for and guess what I freakin did it. At the end of the session she praised me up about how good I was and very strict on myself with my form and would be a personal trainers dream. Now I don’t know if she says this to everyone to boost them up but it felt good that she took the time to say it.

Am I being a needy friend and to much and how do I tell her that I would like to hang with her a little bit some time??

Once again I’m sorry this is all over the place.