I’m having one of those OMG I feel so freakin blessed because I am living life sober moments in my life. I am so happy that I am sober but this is one of those I’m feeling like something is shining down on me sort of moments. But it’s not because of anything huge but because of all the little things that I am noticing and because of all the little things that are possible because I am sober and well dare I say it awake. There is a difference between sober awake and living life drinking as an alcoholic sober! Let me explain the little things from the last few days that are making me feel this way.
On Friday I had the day off work as I was going to get my hair done, oh let me tell you something not related to feeling good about my hair (sorry just a little side track). All of a sudden it has taken on this weird life of it’s on and it gets greasy by lunch time up the top and the hair has actually got thicker!!! Fuck it pisses me off because I am the type of girl that has to wash her hair everyday and shower at least once a day because my OCD HATES being dirty so the fact my hair looks dirty is a big deal to me. Anyway it turns out it is part of menopause along with that old hair on my chinny chin chin, FUCK YOU menopause you little bitch! Should be grateful I’m still alive to be going through it but I’m still allowed to have feelings about shit like that lol.
Anyway that was off topic I put on a load of washing and the bloody machine stopped working and came up with an error code. Damnit I think let’s see if we can sort this out ourselves. I slipped on my big girl panties (in my mind only) and got out the owner manual and then checked the outlet hose for blockages. Nope didn’t work so tried the old unplug from the wall and let it reset itself for a bit. Hmm nope that didn’t work either running out of time so had to leave it with the load of washing sitting in there grrrrr. Off to have my hair done (and discuss what we could do about the bloody greasy hair).
After the hair dresser I went to the SPCA to discuss my wanting to become an Animal Welfare Investigator and talked with people already doing the role. I came out of there so excited and happy in the feeling that this really is the right career path for me! There is no way I would be looking at exciting new career options nor realised how soul killing my current position is if I had still been drinking so thank you sober life!
Back home and back to the bloody washing machine. Normally by now in my drinking days I would be having a melt down and all upset like a big cry baby. I probably would of cracked open a bottle to calm myself while I tried to figure out what was wrong, then given up and just got stuck in drinking. Not the sober me, oh shit no that bloody machine was not going to beat me and besides I can’t afford to pay a service agent if I don’t have to thank you very much. Guess what???? That’s right sober me figured it out calmly and by using processes of elimination!! It was a wad of my hair mixed with normal washing machine lint (who knew it could be so strong when there is a build up of it!!! Oh and by the way losing your hair is another part some females go through with menopause, like a really bad molt from winter to summer coat! The wad of hair was enough to stop the water pump from spinning and once a pulled that out I was able to spin the pump again. Plug it in, fire it up and wait and see……….. YUS it worked!!! Now did I mention that if I had NOT been living the sober life I wouldn’t of had the patience to figure this out??? Will blow my own trumpet and say pretty bloody happy with myself at this point!!!!
This weekend I have emailed to find more information about requirements for a grant I want to apply for university fees for the required course for Animal Welfare Investigator. Have told my Team Leaders on the volunteer work I do that I will be spending time with the ladies from the SPCA learning all I can off them for the role. Oh and I told them all that I was an alcoholic just as a side note and explained that the cloud has lifted and I need to do this for me. Hmmm what else oh I have lost 3kg’s since being on my diet and increasing my exercise.
Really it just feels like a huge cloud that had been blocking my view has lifted and for the first time I can see a opportunity for myself to start a new and exciting life. Have I mentioned that living life sober, raw and real, feeling the good with the bad is fucken awesome????
Okay so I’ll be honest here if I had thought a year ago that I would be pursuing a job which would involve me having to wear a stab proof vest I would of said bullshit. But here I am taking steps towards being an Animal Welfare Investigator. Sadly now a days they have to wear these vests as it’s a sign of the time with the sort of people they often deal with and also with the amount of methamphetamine around things can escalate fast.
Following on from the other day were I really think I have figured out what I wanted to do I have been looking more into it. The course that I would need to take can be done via correspondence with three week long sessions I would have to attend. The course fees are $6,000 which I don’t have and will have to find unless I can get a scholarship. On top of the course fees will be my text books etc and finding accommodation for while I’m on the course although I am pretty sure I can stay with a friend to save some money there. At the end of the course and when I get my first job I will become an officer and basically be able to do the same things as the police except being able to arrest people. I would be able to detain and wait for the police to come and arrest but I could execute search warrants and break into vehicles etc just to name a few things if it is all part of the investigation into the welfare of animals. Pretty funny that you can become a Police officer after 3 months training but to become an Animal Welfare Investigator you need to study for a year first.
I went and talked to the local Animal Welfare Officers in my area and it went really well. They love the fact I want to become one of them and said that best way to see if this is 100% what I want to do I can come and hang out with them and attend jobs, work with the animals logging records etc as part of their requirements for court cases when charging the person/s responsible for the abuse or neglect. They did show me some of the recent cases they are working on and they are heart breaking. I really felt that they were showing them to me to see my reaction. It didn’t upset me as such more just pissed me off that people had done this to them. It was also incredibly sad for the animals involved and silently I was swearing to myself that I will be working for animals just like them and trying to ensure that people are held accountable.
So where to from here?? Well I have to work out my volunteering role that I currently have so that I can spend at least a day a week with them. this will give me more experience and help me to learn so much. You don’t just automatically get accepted in so this will put me in a better position. It will also give me time to save so that hopefully I get accepted into the course next year. If I get in I will still have my current job and will have to keep working full time to pay the bills with my loan, living expenses and the house etc, etc. So this year get experience under my belt and next year do the course. It sucks that I might have another couple of years of my current job but it doesn’t matter when it is providing me the way to reach my goal.
Thank you sobriety if I hadn’t of invited you into my life I wouldn’t of had my dream in front of me just waiting for me to grab it. Living life sober, raw and real rocks, yep you feel the bad but you can feel the good and you can dream of a better way and make plans to move ahead.
Okay I know I want to work with animals and particularly something that will improve their welfare and also help those that are in need. I am considering studying to become an Animal Welfare Investigator. I want to help the animals and also help the owners that need help. But there is another part of the role which interests me and that in animal abuse and building cases up against the people involved for taking them to court. There is a course at university which goes for the year but it is also available through correspondence and would involve having to go to university a few times during the year for parts that you have to attend. There will also be work within the industry to get experience and to travel with current inspectors.
Now the bit that worries me is that I know that in the pet rescue and welfare roles the level of alcohol abuse is extremely high. Compassion fatigue is very real and often they self medicate to try to numb out what they have had to witness. I also have concerns that although I portray myself as one little tough nut I am actually a very sensitive person who can be hurt so easily. Would this be a wise direction for me to take????? This is something I really want to get into but is it a wise choice for an alcoholic?/
The university course costs $6000 so I would have to figure out how to get that. There are options there though if I can get a placement with the SPCA the course is paid for. There is a couple of grant options I can chase or I do it myself and then there will be more career options for me at the end of it. What to do, what to do. Oh one of grants close for applications at the end of this month so I am thinking I apply for it and see what happens. The grant is for up to $10,000 but I doubt my chances of getting it but it is worth trying for.
My mind is starting to open to possibilities and is searching for answers of what I want to do and this is because and only because I am SOBER if I was still living the numb, drunk and just surviving each day I wouldn’t even have this option to consider. I love living life sober, raw & real, feeling and thinking it all.
Okay in my posts along with musing about this and that and releasing messed up things out of my mind you will also see how much better life is living it raw and real 100% sober. Sleep is better, anxiety levels are better, depression is better, blood pressure is better, errrrr toilet visits are better (if your a hard drinker you will know what I’m on about), relationships are better, your judgement is better, your reliability is better and the list just goes on. But some days I often just notice the small things and this morning was one of those times.
This morning I woke up early (for a weekend) and thought about either rolling back over and going back to sleep or reading a book for a while. But then I thought nah, let’s get up have a shower and take the dogs for a walk while it is still cool. The temperatures are so freakin hot and the humidity is off the scale so it doesn’t take to long into the morning for it to simply be to hot to walk them. It was lovely and cool when we left and everything was so peaceful with the majority of houses in the neighborhood still all closed up and curtains pulled. I live in a beautiful area that has plenty of trees both on the sidewalks and on peoples properties. Through the trees I actually noticed the sky and it was beautiful with pink all through the clouds. The air was fresh, cool and there was a gentle breeze. The dogs wiggly butts in front of me never fails to make me smile and they often pause to stop and sniff. They will often stop sniffing and look at me with pure joy on their faces before they trot on to the next smell. See no matter what time I take my dogs for a walk it is their walk so they can stop and sniff as much as they want. To interupt a dog sniffing is like someone coming along when you are in the middle of a good part in a book and just closing the book on you. There was a lady out jogging with her very elderly dog who asked if it would be okay if he got to say hi to mine. She was lovely and explained how her dog was her life and that even though he was old he still managed to jog 10 kilometers each day. What a lovely old chap he was and his Mum glowing with love for him made my morning even better. The whole walk was just peaceful and I made a conscious effort to just stay in the moment. By the time we got near home I could feel the heat starting to rise and it was just perfect.
If I had of still been drinking there is no way in hell I would be up early in the morning on a weekend. I would of hit the bottle hard telling myself I deserved it after such a hard week at work AND to celebrate it being Friday. I would of stayed in bed later after having had a crappy nights sleep and feeling cloudy head and depending on the level of my drinking feeling ill. I totally would of missed spending that precious time with my dogs out walking enjoying life because by the time I would of got up it would of been far to hot to go anywhere.
This post might seem boring but to me it is a reminder of just how much better life is and that it’s the little things that make it just so bloody worth it. Living life sober, raw & real is 100% a better life for me.
Okay so I’m sober, I’m in a much better place health wise and I am enjoying life so much more. The hardest bad has to be dealing with all the old baggage and mentally breaking them down and dissecting them into bits that I can deal with. It really is a case of trying to find a way to train your mind on how to think about them so they don’t come up and bitch slap you so hard that they take your breath away each time. I have always, always found away to get back up even though some times I have been knocked right into a big, deep black hole I have fucken climbed back out. I have not totally given up on the idea of getting a therapist to help me but at the moment I am having a lot more patches of calm and understanding. I am on the waiting list for one therapist so will see what happens there. Oh and another one was going to contact me back some time this month as well. It’s all so foreign to me the thought of going and opening up to a stranger. I know I do it here with you guys but it is different, way different. Anyway the point of this post is naturally on the first day of the year everyone is cracking on and making New Year resolutions and have plans to do this and that. I’m really not sure what to do or where to go to from here.
I feel that with this living life sober that I need to be doing something, anything just not wasting this gift I have been given. I know that I love getting feedback on here that my writing is helping others (I have got so much help on here from total strangers). I actually enjoy the writing, although I made a promise to write each day and sometimes I sit here and think I must be boring the shit out of anyone reading this as some nights I just can’t think of anything exciting enough to write about. But I made that promise and it is one that I must keep for myself and if I sit here and type some mumbo jumbo it normally ends up going off in a tangent and I do find something that has been floating in my head. I know I want to lose weight but the strangest thing is when I think of doing it I am often thinking it because I am worried about what others think of how I look. That’s just weird, but of cause I would love to be skinny and beautiful etc but I just don’t know if I’m built that way you know to be skinny. Guess that is something else I could figure out this year.
I have a love of animals like no other and I really want to help them. I can study and do a course which would help with people tracking down their missing pets but it costs $600 and as I’ve shared before I am in big debt and really want to pay that off and at least take a big chunk out of it this year. Do I just do it and add to my debt???? It does tie in with the volunteer work I do helping lost, found & impounded pets. I would love to train in being a vet or a vet nurse but at 50 am I to old to train for that sort of stuff???? Keeping in mind that academically I am not the brightest crayon in the pack. Hmm the ultimate dream and if I win Lotto I’m doing it would be to build a veterinary practice. But not like the normal vet practice, this one would never turn anyone away that has a pet that needs help. It would focus on desexing pets as well. It would have a division that focused on animal welfare and also on education programs for youth so they can learn how to look after our animals welfare better than some of our current generation are. Guess it would probably be hated by other vet practices out there because it would potentially take business / income away from them but I am tired of so many pets not receiving the treatment they deserve because people can’t afford the treatment. So many of these people love their pets so much it’s not a case of they don’t want to get the help for them. Often it’s a case of do I pay my rent, feed my family or take Fluffybum to the vet to get that looked at sort of thing.
I wish I knew what and where to go from here because this new life I have been given, you know this sober life, should not be wasted. I must have a talent / skill etc that can help improve things in this world. I don’t want to cruize along living life sober but not achieving anything other than surviving, working my job to pay my debt etc because in the end if I die doing that I feel that would be sad, really sad. What would I of achieved or improved in this world if I just stay as I am??????
Living life sober rocks!!! I am loving it because it is pushing me to improve and to be a difference in the world. I’ve just got to figure out how to do that.
***WARNING DEPRESSING ANIMAL POST – SO MUCH SADNESS***
We really have a problem in this world, well we have many problems but there is one that I am involved in because of the volunteer work that I do. This really sucks and I feel so sad for the animals. There are so many pets that end up in our shelters that sadly there is not enough people out their looking for new pets as in there is not enough being adopted. Sadly so many never make it out of the shelters because of this. There are other reasons as well e.g. the pet is to aggressive and it can not be rehomed. People bag the pounds for putting healthy pets to sleep but my question to them is well what do they do? The pounds are full, the rescues are overwhelmed and already overloaded, there are not enough people adopting and the population of dogs just keeps growing.
My heart really goes out to the pound staff, I have gotten to know many of them over the years. Of cause just like everywhere there are some arseholes among them but the majority of them are really good people. At this time of the year these places have to prepare for and influx of pets as they get in the normal found pets but they also have to make room for the abandoned pets, dogs that have hurt either people or stock and surrendered pets. In my country they legally have to hold onto a pet for a 7 day period if found so as to give an owner time to come looking for their pet. For pets that are signed over or so called surrendered the 7 day period doesn’t apply. After this period they will be temperament tested and have a basic health check. If it passes both of these and the shelters have room to keep holding them they can go up for adoption. Often rescues will take some if they can but like I say they are all already over loaded at the moment. Many pets fail the temperament test but not because they are aggressive by nature but because they are scared out of their poor little minds and are in full fight or flight mode. So if they don’t have room or somewhere else to send them or they fail the temperament test they are put to sleep. In one of our major cities we are talking in the thousands each year. It is disgusting and something that doesn’t seem to be improving. All of the shelter staff that I know have multiple dogs now through adopting from the shelter themselves because they can’ bear to see them put down.
Just this week I had to remove a LOT of posts, advertising dogs in an attempt to find their owners, because they had all been put to sleep. The shelter has had it clear out ready for being shorter staffed due to holidays and also in preparation for the influx of new dogs. This is a sad reality that I witness every festive season. Because I manage the volunteer pet service I don’t share this with other volunteers because it is simply to upsetting. I would end up losing so many of my team members through compassion fatigue if I did. To all the poor pets losing their lives this festive period I want to say I am so very sorry, I wish I could come up with the solution to the problem but am doing everything I can to try to help you. Bless you all as you travel to Rainbow Bridge. God when I die please, please can I have a job at Rainbow Bridge???? I really want to get up there and show them all the love they deserve.
Sorry for such a downer post, I am downloading it here to get it out and whether people read this or not is not even relevant I just need it out.
Trying to think what to write about tonight, there is normally always so much going on in this mind of mine that I am shocked to say that lately there has been quiet periods. I am not complaining at all but it just feels different.
Oh I know lets start with this as I was thinking about this a lot today. The morning after a Xmas Party now…… hmm I still laid in bed late this morning but that was totally my own fault having a long black coffee after dinner at the event 🙂 but there was still a difference waking up this morning compared to previous mornings after work Xmas parties. There was a calmness a nice relaxing stretch and a smile on my face as I looked at my dogs still peacefully sleeping. I rolled over and grabbed my phone from it’s charger and found a reply from my beautiful friend to a message I sent her last night. This started a round of messages back and forth as has become a lovely habit every weekend morning now. It is great checking in with someone you love and making sure your both okay and sharing what has and is planned to happen ❤ Nothing like feeling the love from each other and starting your day knowing someone out there in your tribe loves this habit as much as I do.
Ahhh one more stretch and then out of bed, OMG how does one hurt their knee just getting out of friggin bed???? I twisted it a bit and now when I go to use it a certain way and apply weight it grabs in pain, grrrrr it’s a bitch getting older (still prefer it to the alternative though don’t get me wrong). Actually well talking about getting older why the hell doesn’t anyone warn you of the possible thicker darker hair on your chinny, chin, chin then ah???? What is it are we to ashamed to talk about these things??? Seriously there is one little bastard hair that is thicker than the others and as soon as it sticks it’s ugly stubble out far enough I pluck that bastard out with the tweezers, vamoose you little shit. Oh and there are longer wispy hairs on my neck, what the hell is that all about?? Seriously I don’t have much shame on here so don’t mind sharing but I understand how it’s not something we talk about over morning coffees in the lunch room, but I’m pretty bloody sure one of them would of noticed and I don’t know how they kept looking at me without looking down! Oh maybe because they are getting older like me and their eyesight is failing them like mine. From now on I will be wearing my glasses when looking in the bathroom mirror a lot more that I can promise you.
Oh sorry I digress, back to starting my sober, hangover free morning. I hobble to the shower and stand there under the running water just letting my senses soak up the feeling of the water drops hitting my skin along with my body enjoying the warmth of the water. Following the shower and dressing it is now time to walk the dogs before the heat of the day makes it simply to hot. I LOVE walking my dogs and even more so now that I am living life sober. They really do make you stop and smell the roses as you are walking, seriously dogs have got it sussed. They take their time and they smell everything and don’t miss much. They are totally in the moment and they are focused purely on their time out walking. I never rush them and just lead them lead the way to be honest. I once read that to pull a dog away from it’s sniffing is like interrupting someone from a chapter in a book and I reckon that is pretty accurate. An hour later after we have finished our walk it’s back home for breakfast. This weekend ritual is just so soothing for the soul and I love it.
Now lets compare it to how it would of been for me waking up after a work Xmas Party. I would of woken up late and felt pretty rough. I would of had a crappy nights sleep which would of been broken by waking up at random times through out the night and tossing and turning until drifting back to sleep until the next wake up. I no doubt would of had to go for a pee at least once and that probably would of woken me up during one of the deeper sleep periods and most likely when I would of been nice and comfortable. I would say I would of had a least one really bad episode of heart burn that would of left a burning bile sensation in my throat and would of kept coming up in small doses of vomit which I would of kept swallowing. Finally I would of woken up with a dry mouth and cracked throat which probably smelt disgusting (never sniffed it myself) and I would of no doubt felt nausea and had a headache. I would of stretch which would of caused either my calf muscle or foot which would of caused me to dive out of bed to push down on the foot and stretch the muscle to break it’s grip. The dogs would of still been peacefully sleeping on the bed with me but probably would of been pissed off at having been woken so many time during the night. I most likely would of started the day without twisting my knee but who the hell would know if that would or wouldn’t of happened (fucken chin hair problem would probably still be there no matter whether I was sober or not lol). I would not of had the awesome message session with my beautiful friend. This is one of the friendships that has flourished since living life sober and real. I would of needed a shower and would of stood there with my mouth open trying to get rid of my dry horrors. Oh on to the dog walk, they still would of taken me for a walk but I wouldn’t of noticed any of the moments of pure joy they have and we wouldn’t of gone as far because I would of felt like crap and would be just wanting to get back home again and try to down a coffee.
The difference living life sober is like day and night, I freakin love being sober. Loving living life sober, raw and real.