I seem to use my blog to get out the negative, crazy and embarrassing things that rattle around in my head and often forget to just breath and let you all know that there is also so much in my life to be grateful for. I have many, many blessings in my life and spend way to much time deep in thought pondering over shit that matters but really shouldn’t take up so much space in my head. Could explain why it’s here in my blogging world as purely a way to get it out and move on. Anyways moving on time for a moment to share some of my blessings with you all.
- I am over 300 days sober now (I think I will confirm that when I get home and look at my calendar).
- I am so grateful that even with the mind of an addict I have managed to stay on my goal and am still sober.
- Okay I am not going to start all of these with I am so please take that as a given. Attended my first work party since going sober and am a happy sober day after person now 🙂
- Happy that I got to offer to be sober driver to make sure everyone would get home safely.
- Deepest love in my life is my dog’s and now that I am living sober I am even more aware of their amazing natures and the deepest love that I have for them.
- So happy that I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge for the dog’s and myself, power, phone and electricity.
- I still haven’t mastered how to make my pay last from pay-day to pay-day and end up robbing Peter to pay Paul, but at least I have a Peter to help out Paul! Previously Peter would have already have been broke after finding funds to feed my addiction. So I have Peter to fall back on and the next aim is to not need Peter, baby steps here.
- I still have a bloody good job that pays a reasonable wage.
- My parents are nearing their 80’s but are still in reasonable health.
- I have a volunteer job that I work on in evenings and weekends and I love it.
- Ice Cream, I have Ice Cream in my life. Now that one might seem a bit random to some of you in amongst all of this but picture this – I have food allergies and can not eat anything containing wheat, gluten or dairy. For years I have not had Ice Cream or Chocolate and now I have found a form of both that I can have. PLEASE don’t ponder what is actually in them and to people who can have the real version it probably taste yuck but to me I am in heaven when I eat them.
- Painkillers, I have a problem with a disc in my upper back at the moment and without pain killers it feels like someone is stabbing a hot poker in there.
- Friends, I have some amazing friends around me that I need to learn to communicate with better and I need to learn how to ask them for help more.
- My car, it is nothing flash in fact I would call in a Nana vehicle but oh my I would be lost without it.
- My freedom, you know when I watch TV and I see the poor people in war-torn countries my heart breaks for them. The fear on their tired faces is unforgettable.
- The country that I was born in and live in, New Zealand is a really amazing beautiful part of the world to be in.
- My health which I never take for granted, I have officially died on an operating table and the life that I was living before that was one of repeated illness and pain. Now when I make it through the day well and without pain (apart from my back) I am so blessed.
- This blog as it has become the place where I can just be me and ramble out what ever random shit I feel like with no guilt, shame, embarrassment or nervousness.
- Music, there is pretty much always music close by if not on with me I can’t even imagine being without it.
- stubbornness, okay that is a weird thing to put on this list but without it I would not be where I am in live right now.
If you are still here thanks for reading it all the way though, some of what is on here is so basic but if I was to remove any part from my life the hole would be huge.
Stay strong and every so often please sit back and count your blessings. XOXOXOXO
Okay so I am sure the image at the top is to do with much deeper things than what I am about to blog about here BUT this is my blog and it sure is appropriate for me. I think I have discussed on here before about how socially awkward I am and seriously it guts me to be like this. I really am one of those people that is so much more comfortable around animals than I am with humans. I know some amazing people who have the kindest hearts but when it comes to being around them I clam up and nerves just shuts me down. I feel like I completely shut down YET have me chatting to them via Facebook messenger or text or email it is not a problem. What is it about being face to face with someone and in the case I am thinking of it was Skype for the first time with a friend that I have chatted with via Facebook for coming up a year now. On Facebook we can chat away and everything flows smoothly with a really great friendship going but once it came to being face to face I got so nervous and just shut down. I must of looked like a right fucken idiot.
No wonder I am a lonely person I am so crap at being around people and talking to the face to face to the point I even made myself feel awkward lol. I don’t know how I am going to fix this one but I have to figure out a way.
Oh on another note I am going to have to check the calendar at home but I believe that I am now over 300 days sober, woop woop amazing myself with that one. I think instead of having my brother living with me who does drink and drugs that instead of pulling me back into it my mind is in the right place and it is infact making me push it even further away. I still have moments where I think oh God I would love a drink just to sit and relax and stop dwelling on stupid shit but I now realize that it’s not actually the drink that I want it is the ability to relax and forget about my problems for a while. I have come a long way in my thinking baby!!!!
I am surrounded by people that I know love me but at the same time I am getting so damn frustrated and angry at them. I really feel the need for a friend that will just sit down and listen. I don’t need anything more than that but to just have someone listen and hear what I need to say. I need a really good girlfriend night where what we do is sit and and bitch and moan about things in our life’s that are pissing us off right now. Then we can both sit there and go “I know right” to everything we both say. I am a really good listener and have always been the friend that people come do when they feel the need to just talk and be listened too. At the moment I just need someone to take the time to listen to me and hear my struggles. Then I would love them to say “hang in there buddy this is just a bad patch and it won’t be long and you will look back and say whew I made it and things are so much better”. But no one is listening, when did it become such a rarity to stop and listen, really listen not listen while thinking about something else, not listen to the start and then cut the person off while you decide that your story needs to be told instead.
I realized that I would feel better if I reached out to a friend and just let it all out but it just isn’t working for me. I am not the sort of person that opens up to people and pours my heart out but at the moment I feel the strong need for some support. I asked 2 friends to come out to dinner and when I was asked how things where going I started to tell them and was cut off by one of the friends telling my about how she was experiencing something similar with her daughter and proceeded to go off on a 20 minute rant about it. I sat there almost in tears because it hurt and felt like what I had to say really didn’t matter. I have another friend who I have always been there for and when she is going through shit I always message her to see that she is okay and check in on her often. I ran into her the other day and she asked how things where going so I filled her in briefly on what was happening. I would of thought that this friend would of taken the time to message a couple of days later to see how things where going but a month later nothing. This one makes me feel that the friendship wasn’t as important to her as it was to me. I tried briefly at work to talk to some friends / colleges to once again be cut off as one of them went on a roll telling us all about an experience she had with her son.
Why do we do this to people? This makes me sound like a big moaner that people are sick of listening to but I can assure you that I don’t share things with people I normally as a rule keep it to myself. At the moment is a very rough patch and I feel like if I could find a shoulder to cry on I could get up shake myself off and find the strength to move on. Instead I have been left feeling flat and unloved and like I don’t matter.