Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.
At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).
Work is practically stressful and busy with it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.
Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.
I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.
Take care, hang in their with me.
Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.
Well that’s what my brain was yelling at me as I drove past the wholesalers on my way home. Next turn off it’s not to late you can cut down that road and go to the supermarket and grab a box of cider,
I thought the temptation was over until I got my mail and found a letter saying that there is a problem with my wiring in the house and I need to get it seen to ASAP. Oh fuck my life, seriously give me a break how the hell am I going to find the money for that???? Then the little arsehole in my brain steps up in full force. FUCK IT get back in the car and go and get that box, you have had a full on day now this shitty news going and get the box so you can relax and unwind. I am exhausted, upset and sober and hanging on to that last part SOBER, I don’t want to tempt fate by saying “Give it your best shot, you can go to hell, I will not give up because of the shit life can fling at you” but I don’t want to tempt whatever “it is” that I would be saying this too.
Oh well day 9 sober and I am sure it will get better PLEASE. On the good news I have lost .7kg’s that’s more than just your morning poop right??? When I started this I was at 80.6kg’s today I weighed in at 79.9kg’s so that is a positive. Anyways to my followers I love you all in a weird we have never meet but appear to be sharing a common bond sort of way, if your wanting to stay sober with me let’s stay strong together and support each other, Night All, hoping for a better less rough day tomorrow XOXOXO
It is now Sunday night here and I have now completed my first week sober and without a touch of alcohol (are they the same thing? I’m not sure because you don’t become drunk on your first drink do you?) and gotta admit I am feeling a bit shakey. I have the attention span of a……. oh Macarana…..oh look a puppy…. eewww facebook…… I think you get the general idea. My body seems to be joining my mind in protest of my decision to give up drinking for GOOD. I am having trouble shutting down at night to go to sleep and then I wake up early either because of bad dreams, very vivid dreams or feeling unwell or both at once. This morning I woke up with indigestion that made me feel like I was going to be sick, instead I started coughing and then the burning vile got stuck in my throat leaving me with the taste and feeling that I had been vomiting. That’s not all that is happening to my body but I think you get the general idea. With my brain and body screaming at me “just have a fucken drink” I don’t have much left to keep putting up the fight except for the part of my brain that is trying so hard to fight back it is screaming “shut up bitch, we’re doing this. One thing that I am hanging on to is when I gave up smoking a number of years ago I read a book by Alan Carr and I remember a message he gave about touching another cigarette. I can’t remember the exact quote but I do remember the general message went like the following – just by having another puff you are feeding the drug back into your body and providing it the strength to fight your mind again to want you to start again. If you can just hold on the residue will leave your body and the mind will return to it’s un-drugged state. Forgive me if I got that message wrong but that’s how I remember it.
Wow this has been a really long weekend that I don’t think I would of survived without the kind words of encouragement given to me by people that as far as I know are complete strangers. Earlier today I was very over emotional and the fact that someone took the time to comment on my blog and give me words of encouragement just blew me away. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU to all of you that are following me and especially those who commented you goes rock!!!
PLEASE if any of you are trying to achieve what I am – GIVING UP ALCOHOL FOR EVER and would like some words of encouragement please let me know. We can do this together and don’t have to fight on alone. I have looked at my followers but I am so new at this and can’t figure out how to follow you all or whether you all have blogs of your own or not.