I feel like I am getting more sunshine back into my life, there seems to be a break in the darkness. I have no doubt that coming back on here and just writing out things in my brain, and interacting with some of you wonderful people, exercising more, improving my diet and trying not to dwell on missing my friends is all helping. I know that the darkness will left if I wait long enough AND I make efforts to help myself. Falling into depression is not new to me but it is something that I can take steps to look after myself to avoid it the best I can and I wasn’t doing that.
Living life sober, raw and real is so very worth it. You will feel all emotions good and bad but you will no longer be cheating yourself out of these feelings by just numbing them away. If you feel the bad the good feels that much brighter.
I had one of those “holy shit” moments today which I think was an important awakening in my personal growth, strength and inner peace. I was in the middle of a work out today and listening to a podcast from Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations and this one by Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising and it was good and gave me lots of food for thought.
One of the thoughts that came to me was enough to make me cry – I realized that I have never forgiven myself for trivializing what I have been through. Now I do realize that I have had to do this in order to be able to cope and to protect the people I wanted too until I was mentally ready to deal but now that I am dealing I think acknowledging this is a huge step. It is easier to deal with things by telling yourself that shit happens and that it’s really not a big deal than to face the enormity of it all. Well today I realized that it is a big deal, it’s a massive deal.
It has taken me a long time and an incredibly painful journey to end at this point now. In looking back I had my innocence, virginity, security, confidence, self-esteem, happy go lucky nature all stolen. In order to try to deal with all of this I turned to alcohol and I buried myself in it for over 20 years. I turned to it so I would not have to feel or think about what had happened. I mentally convinced myself that none of it mattered, I was still here and I had survived and hey other people have it much worse than I had it. Truth is I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy but I have survived it and I believe that I am a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person because of my experiences. I am sad that it took me so long to give myself the biggest gift of sobriety and that I numbed out 20 years but what is done is done and I can’t change that. I am going to send my younger self a message, hope she’s sober enough to take it in.
Hey there you, I’d just like a moment of your time to talk to you if you wouldn’t mind. I get that you don’t want anyone around you nor do you want to let anyone in as a friend so I won’t take up too much of your time. I am you but it is quite a few years later and I wanted to let you know that your going to be okay. At the moment you really are going through a hard time and you are confused by the way you have been treated by others especially since they are people you love and trusted, even idolized. I really want to reach through this bloody screen and give you a big hug, it’s important that you know that there are good people out there. You are going to find people that you can trust again and that will love you just as you are and they will be there for you if you need a friend. What you are doing now is what it takes for you to cope and that’s okay, I think you are an incredibly strong person who is a fighter inside. At the moment you are telling yourself that what happened isn’t that bigger deal and that you are okay. What has happened to you is a big deal sweetie, it’s huge and when you get to where I am now you will realize that you are amazing. Inside you buried with all the shit and covered in the alcohol you have also numbed your inner Warrior but she is there. The pain and the hurt need to rest, they can’t deal with it all yet but they will. It’s never going to be 100% done (probably not what you wanted to hear) it’s like a record that keeps spinning around and each time something improves, every so often there is a scratch that will make it skip back. Wait long enough and the music will flow and you will dance again. There are going to be times when you want to take your life, thank fuck you don’t follow through because now looking back I can see that it wouldn’t fix anything. You are tired and you want it all to stop and it will you are going to survive and you are going to be glad that you do. I want you to know that I don’t blame you and today I forgive us for doing what we needed to do to cope and get through all this you really are a Warrior Princess.
Living life sober, raw and real isn’t always easy and lately I have been in a dark place and today realizing this has gotten me back into the right frame of mind. I was experiencing peaceful moments a lot and then all of a sudden I lost them. Following this awakening I was able to find that peaceful place again today and I just lay there in it for the longest time but I came back out so calm it was amazing.
There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.
It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.
Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.
Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂
Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.
Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.
Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.
Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.
Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.
Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.
Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.
Okay here is the thing you don’t say to someone who is going through a depression slump – just get over it or shit there are others with things heaps worse than you have it or snap out of it. You know what comments like that make me feel like saying (apart from the obvious fuck off that is) to people? Do you say to people that are happy that there are others in the world with heaps more to be happy about than what you have??? Snap out of it or just get over it, wow that is fucken original, tell you what I don’t want to fucken be sad or down either and I am trying really hard to pull myself out of it. It takes most of my energy to get out of bed some mornings but I still walk my dogs every morning and night. I know they need it and I know that it will help me. I do try to think of positive things and to be positive. I am sad, I am quieter than normal and people do notice that but I don’t go around moaning like a little bitch because that is what I use this blog for. This is my download, vent, let it out, shake it up and let the pieces out of my mind safe place and this is where I let it out so it doesn’t bring others around me down.
This is were it gets a little confusing for me, my therapist says that I need to stop suppressing feelings as part of my recovery from living the life as an alcoholic is to learn how to feel again after numbing everything for so many years. No one likes being sad, depressed and down in the dumps but some times as life happens and as you process things that have happened to you that you have suppressed for years it happens. One of my favorite sayings used to be “shit happens” and it really does, some shit happens to really nice people. They don’t deserve it, they don’t ask for it, they certainly don’t want it but it happens to them. I am once of those people with things that have happened in my life. But I am also a fucken survivor and even have a couple of friends that keep seeing the warrior in me (bless them) just because I have survived it doesn’t mean that they can’t affect me. You can process and you can find away to deal but it doesn’t mean that things aren’t going to come up and slap you in the face and bring out all the memories and feelings all over again. As well as this just normal things that happen in life give you a few kicks while your down and I guess without being over dramatic you lay there bruised and sore for a bit. Yep you lay there feeling sorry for yourself and things like my current financial situation get over whelming. These are all things that are from my past and even the financial situation can be linked to it. I drank to numb, I am an alcoholic so that was the worst pain killer I could of turned to. Alcoholic is a depressant, the heart pills that I was taking because of my high blood pressure are downers. I was living (haha funny it wasn’t even living it was SHIT) life as a depressed suicidal alcoholic and as well as spending all my money and then going into big debt so I wouldn’t buy alcohol I was also spending money I didn’t have trying to cheer myself up. I could go on but I think you would get the general idea.
I am depressed at the moment, I am lonely and that is my own fault because I don’t want people dragged into this depressed mood. My friends are all busy and I don’t want to take up their time on this when I know that I can pick myself back up and move on. I am and will be doing this but I just had to let this out first and try to help others by putting it out there don’t tell people that are down and depressed the above! We know people have it worse, no we can’t just fucken snap out of it, and no we can’t just get the fuck over it. There are things happening out of my control along with things I need to learn the skills in emotions and feelings how to deal with as I haven’t before. I refuse to turn back to the bottle to numb them this time around so my only option is to ride this storm out. Next post might be positive, probably depends on what shit happens between now and then 🙂 seriously I am okay I am blessed in a million ways and I know that.
Living life sober is now my choice and it is the only life I want now. Don’t write me off, because when I get this low I come back fucken fighting.
Still here and still stuck in a bit of a rut, feeling sad, lonely, depressed and struggling. I am just struggling a bit at the moment but will ride it through. Some of you will remember when I was drinking so much at the end I spent all my money and then some throwing myself into debt. All of this was backed by the totally irrational thinking that if I had no money to buy my booze I wouldn’t be able to so would be forcing myself into giving up. Fuck I wish it was that easy, it’s not all it did was make me find more creative ways of funding e.g. getting more credit cards or store cards which the liquor outlets would accept running myself even further into debt. One thing it taught me is that an alcoholic will always find away if they want to. Anyway I am now 15 months sober but still deep, like up to my eyeballs in debt and it fucken sucks. I am spending all my money paying off the debt and paying vet expenses on my dogs. Let me make it clear I would spend and sell everything I own to keep my little dog with me for and extra hour, day, week so I do not begrudge that at all and do feel blessed that I have an income to do this with.
But I am starting to wonder if my dream of becoming and Animal Welfare Inspector is going to have to go on hold even longer and it is just feeling like it’s beyond reach. I have to find $6,000 to cover my course fees then money for text books, travel for when I have to attend uni and money for while I attend the week long courses 3 times through the year. Sadly the SPCA is only funded by about 1% from the government and the rest is from donations etc so the chances of them paying are zip. I am finding out if I can apply for fee free study BUT here is something I hadn’t thought about. While I was going through the craziness of leaving my ex and was full on an alcoholic I attended university and can you believe I can’t even remember if I passed and nor can I remember what I studied. I was such a fucken mess back then, seriously. Anyway I need to find out if I passed these subjects at all because if I have so many pass credits then I don’t qualify for the fee free. It has taken me 3 weeks of dealing with government departments to even get my student ID number. Christ I couldn’t even answer the minimum 3 questions to get the answers I want. First question = name, haha I got that right. Second question date of birth, snap got that one right. Third question what was my address when I was last studying, I have provided my last 3 addresses for the last 16 years but nope it’s none of them (apparently the last time I studied was 10 years ago, go figure). I know I have only lived in three houses in that time so tried my work address as a long shot – nope not fucken that either. OMFG how can I of used another address and why would I. Also they can only find a record of one course even though I know for sure that I passed Principles of Canine Behavior. If they can’t find the others I don’t care and don’t really care that they aren’t on my record, shit maybe I wasted a whole year and didn’t pass anything but the Canine course. That would be good because then I would probably be below the minimum and qualify.
Grrr I am so shitty that I have got myself in this position. I am lonely as hell for my friends but they are all so busy and I am so down and shitty with myself that I probably wouldn’t be the best company anyway. FUCK, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck why do I do shit like this to myself. I know that I will dig myself out of this but at the moment it is just overwhelming that my little dog is sick (but doing well at the moment because of the extra vet care – BONUS and huge blessing) but my vet bill is behind. My car needs repairs and I have no money so that has to wait. Dealing with government departments is torture (not the person on the other end of the phones fault they don’t make the rules but fuck me). I was so excited about do the training for Animal Welfare but now the reality is setting in that because of my debt it may not happen. It’s not just the fees but the fact I would need to find a position and might have to move but I would also be earning quite a bit less but not sure if I can afford to pay my debt etc while doing that. Oh bah humbug that’s just all a reflection of my current mood. Grrr I just feel sad and alone and struggling. I will dig out of this but it’s taking me a bit at the moment and also taking all my energy just to get up and put on a happy face and carry on like normal.
One thing I am very grateful for is that I am living life sober, raw and real and none of this shittyness is going to take that from me. Even through this is a down phase I will come through this I just need to find my mojo again. My red blood count is down again so once again I am anemic which is causing exhaustion which isn’t bloody helping. Beep, beep, that’s me honking the horn of my happy little car getting ready to bounce over the ruts lol (see how silly I can be even without the booze). Gotta laugh or else I will cry at the moment.
I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.
I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.
I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.
Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.
Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!