My mind often swings between nothingness and so many intense thoughts all at once I almost have to tell them to take a number. Over the last week I could feel myself getting more and more wound up an I just needed to step away from it all today and take time out for myself. I took myself off to my favorite place and the photos in my header are some I took while there including my spot I go to meditate. It is an amazing spot that is off the normal walking track in the bush where the bird sing around you and the whole thing is just tranquil and just what I needed. It is amazing how I can be in this place and experience so many thoughts and emotions (I pretty much always have a cry up there just from being overwhelmed by my own thoughts) and yet when I take the time to just sit and just be and tell my mind stop for a moment lets draw breath my body just calms. I was going to explain the amount of thoughts I had before I reached this moment but instead I am hoping that I just leave you with calm or the desire to go out and find your own calming place.
My mind is going through a phase of dreaming, actually is it called dreaming when you are asleep and remembering the past? I don’t know but it’s a combination of both and I am trying to figure out with some of it is the memory correct or are there bits that are fictional.
For example I remember one night there was a party happening at a house that was just across a paddock from our place (this was when I lived with my ex). It was people that we knew and it got out of control as some of their enemies turned up and they started trashing the house after a fight broke out. They started smashing the windows of the house and set it alight, now all that really happened (it was a big deal because it was a historic home that used to belong to the nuns or something and people in town got annoyed that it happened). What I can’t figure out if it was real or not was that I have visions of a small child standing on the steps leading up to the house and it was screaming and crying as these people fought and destroyed the place. I was watching all of this from the bedroom window and my ex was in bed passed out. I was so scared I could not move and he wouldn’t wake up. The police and fire brigade arrived and it was a long night as I eventually went to bed but kept getting up to look out the window because I couldn’t stop thinking about that child standing there crying on what would of been steps with glass etc on them from the smashed windows. I can’t for the life of me figure out if the child was real or not and I don’t think I was drinking that heavily that night. See what I mean not really a dream / flash back that I really want to remember but obviously something my mind has opened the suitcase too and now it’s up to me how I deal with it.
Today I tried to find the words to tell someone that it’s not them it’s me. It was not like in a dear John letter sort of way it was in a hey I’m laying my heart out here and in doing so am making myself very vulnerable and open to pain and what you do with it is now up to you. I’m sitting here trying to remember exactly how I worded it and realize that I could just open my emails and see BUT it’s strange a part of me doesn’t want to I want the exact words to remain between us.
What started this was really quite simple by her asking how was I and how was I doing? My reply was a simple I’m fine thanks, how about you? This got a reply back of “I’ll answer like you, I’m doing fine.” I should of known better with this Soul Sister not to try and just breeze past the question because when she asks how are you she actually wants to know. Now just to be clear none of this was said in a rude way to each other it was more a hey you know better than this with me sort of way.
Truth is I am very emotional at the moment, things are getting to me and I am feeling down. But I truly know to hold on and this moment will pass things will get better and I just need a little bit of time to gather myself and build up the strength to pick myself up and shake it off. I am feeling and experiencing a lot of things I have not had to deal with and it is all new and it is tiring and emotionally draining. But when it came to me giving that answer I gave it because I don’t want to be the sort of person that is like an emotional vampire that sucks the life out of people with their drama’s. I don’t want to worry friends as I know that I am going to be okay. Sometimes the emotions are all in there just so strong and raw and I don’t want to serve my friends a plate of emotional baggage.
I also have to watch that with my unhealthy need for connection with people that I don’t over whelm and drive them away. Like if I am messaging friends and they don’t message back I get upset. If they take days to reply I get upset. If I am the one that is doing all the messaging then I get upset because why can’t they message me damn it (probably because I have already messaged enough for what they want). If I was to share all my thoughts and sad, mad & worries with people I fear that I would drive them away and then be very lonely. I am worried that I am just too much and they decide fuck this crazy little nut job.
There are so many people that count on me to be their rock and support them both at work which is part of my job and also as the manager of a group of volunteers. There are always people that need support and also with the number of people not all of them are going to get along so I spend a lot of time running around being the diplomat for them all and keep everyone happy so that progress and work doesn’t suffer their foolishness. All the while inside I am screaming but I can’t show it and have to be strong.
So to sum it up, I had to explain that I am sorry and it’s me not you and then had to explain something to the effect of the above. Would it drive you away to have a person like that around you. It’s nice to be needed and all but it must reach a point when you think oh hell I’m off to find some happy, positive people.
I’m living a sober life and I am now over the 500 days sober mark. I’m not ashamed to admit that it can be bloody hard work when for over 20 years I numbed out everything. I really didn’t feel jack shit I just turned up for life day after day and half the time I didn’t even want to do that. Now without the booze it hurts and it hurts deep and it hurts to think that I could do things wrong and drive people away that I love. Or are they getting to know the real me and if they stick around it’s going to be even better because it’s me they love and not someone I portrait because I am afraid of the above? Don’t worry I’m still okay, I know this will pass and I would rather feel this way than be like I was and not feel at all. If I was still living like that I wouldn’t feel the good moments when they come along as well.
If the person I emailed today is reading this tell you what I would love nothing more than to sit on our bench and just sit there and cry with you beside me. Not to say anything but just to not do it alone and to feel safe.
I have something concerning me at the moment, well more than one thing but this is the one I need to write about. My mind is a crazy, amazing, exciting & scary place. There are parts of my life that I just don’t remember and no matter how hard I try it doesn’t just come back to me but rather small bits here and there. I have discussed this with my therapist and there is a chance that my mind is protecting me and there is a chance that I might never remember it all.
This has me thinking about something now, if my mind is capable of blocking my memory from things in order to protect it isn’t it possible that it is also capable of using it’s imagination to protect it? So where do you cross over from reality to imagination in this level of protection? Hmm might be a question for my therapist, I don’t think I’m making anything up but apart from going and asking the people involved (which wouldn’t be safe) I have no way of confirming my story and seeing if there are any blurred lines.
I often think of my past and my history and think how the hell did I survive, I’m not questioning that it happened because I have the aftermath to deal with that I know in my soul what it has been through. One way to explain it is if you’ve ever been in a crappy relationship and yet you are wearing blinkers and refusing to see just how shit it was. It might be that your protecting yourself, a loved one, a pet anything that you treasure in your heart and don’t want to get hurt in the aftermath. So you just overwhelm yourself with the good things, down play the bad things and your mind crosses over between reality and imagination that it is a loving relationship in order to cope. Not even sure if I’m making sense to you all here now so might have to think about this one a bit more and hopefully be able to word it better for you.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life now.
When I first gave up drinking I was excited when I went through a period of total calmness and happiness. I had such a happy and positive attitude and seriously thought oh awesome all of my depression and emotional moods must of been because of the drinking. Hate to say it but it’s not and I am going through a period of being depressed, emotional and just generally out of sorts. I think it’s as my mind processes things and they come to my mind and I find myself thinking about them and learning to break it down in away that I can cope / deal with it. There is just so much I can’t remember in my past and especially my childhood. I honestly don’t know if I want to remember and my therapist told me I might never remember and there is a reason why my mind is choosing to not remember. But there are things that filter through from my past whether it be from my childhood or as a young adult. With that later it tends to be a part of my life that I’m not that proud of and nor am I proud with how I dealt with the things that happened. I’ll give you an example. This is not a I’m looking for pity post this is a I am going through a period when I need to write these things out. Writing them out helps me getting it clearer in my mind and that is all I am trying to do.
The other night I had a dream but it wasn’t a made up dream it was vivid and it was real and it was from my past. My ex was never in gangs himself but a couple of his brothers were and they were in different gangs. My ex was well liked and we would often hang out with his brothers and join them every so often at a party (no together the 2 gangs did not join). Anyway this one night I remember one of the guys who was best mates with the brother and a life time family friend was there and his girlfriends pissed him off. I can’t remember what she did but he was so drunk and stoned that he just flipped his lid. She spoke back to him and too him that would not be tolerated in front of the other guys there. He punched her in the face so hard she dropped to the ground, she was probably only around 60kg’s and he would of been an easy 120kg’s but he was very athletic. But he didn’t just leave it there he stuck the boot into her and he kept booting her until she literally soiled herself. I guess that is where the saying having the shit kicked out of you comes from. She lay there for a while and I went to help her but got dragged back from my ex and told leave her unless you want some of the same. I was too scared to move and in total shock, eventually the party started back up and he went back to his drinking and carrying on with his mates. Then we were able to get her and drag her out of there and to the hospital. I can remember that she was more embarrassed that she had soiled herself in front of everyone and kept apologizing. I can’t remember what damage he had done but she did have to stay in hospital for a while. I just want to put here so it goes out into the universe (does that count I don’t know but I have to say it) I am so, so very sorry. I am so sorry that I didn’t help you sooner. I am so sorry that everyone watched and not a soul helped you.
I hate that I hung out and partied with these people now but at the time it seemed normal. Sounds weird but I was very protected during that time because my ex’s family was so respected in the gangs. I just can’t believe now that I even lived a life that included things like the above. I HATE that I couldn’t help her sooner, I HATE that I hung out with people that were able to watch it happen and just think that was normal. I should of taken note because it was a huge clue for what was acceptable and what was to come. Just on a side note that lady has moved on to a much better life and is well away from the gangs now. Now with that memory coming back to me I woke up rocking myself back and forwards and crying. I need to remember that I have come so far and although I can’t change the past I have certainly learnt from it and I also have to accept that I was the innocent party in how my life developed as I removed myself from one shitty situation without realizing I was moving myself back into another one. But I also take into account that I learned things about myself and how I dealt with things back then and I’m not proud of everything I have done. Really all I can do now is to be the best person that I can and remember that was then this is now.
Living life sober is a choice that I made for myself. I was tired of living the life of an alcoholic, I was tired of spending my time numbing everything, I was tired of being suicidal because I was so fucken tired. I made the choice to become sober, no one else made the choice or told me to do it. I was ready and now it feels like I have been given a second chance but I still have to deal with the past as it filters through.
I feel like I have come so far and yet I still have a long way to go all at once. There are a few things rattling in my mind that still need a lot of work on and they are –
- Finances – I have shared with you all that while I was living as an alcoholic I ran up huge debt and I am struggling to make a dent in paying that back. There was numerous reasons for my debt and a couple were that I was so depressed while living the life of an alcoholic that I was trying to buy happiness. Along with my depression there was a long period when I wanted to commit suicide and these thoughts and plans were very strong. I honestly did not think I would still be here to have to pay the loans off. I had it all worked out my life insurance was more than enough to cover the debt so I just didn’t care. Now I do want to be here and although living pay check to pay check sucks it’s better than the alternative.
- Weight Loss – I am so chubby / fat / even obese and it makes me sad and yet I am struggling with not putting the food in my mouth. There is a LOT of comfort eating going on and I can see that is what is happening and really need to find a way to stop as my weight is slowly creeping up and up.
- Fitness – I walk the dogs at least once a day and I am quite strong but I really don’t exercise. I started to try to commit to every day for a month on the X-trainer and that was a big fat fail with me stopping after about a week. I have an idea in my head about signing up for half marathons over the next 10 months and that way I will need to train and get my fitness up, I will need to keep it up, I will need to lose some weight (so I don’t have to carry it like a sack of potatoes everywhere) and by setting this goal hopefully the weight loss & fitness will work it out together.
- Career – Hmm this one is making me sad, I wanted / want??? to become an Animal Welfare Inspector but the worry of my finances are causing me to worry. I am already drowning in debt and to take out another loan for $6k for my study and then the pay decrease when I do qualify are playing on my mind. I just don’t know if I can afford to do it at the moment. Then I worry that the longer I leave it the older I will be and will I physically be up to it. Arrrggghhh this one is a big one. Can I learn to be happy and content with what I am doing now, I don’t know because it honestly feels like my soul is slowly dying some days and other days I know it’s what I have to do to pay the debt so I can stop stressing about the money.
Living life sober is the best gift I have given myself and it takes work and commitment. I need to make sure I am giving myself self care and empathy while I am trying to find myself and just trying to make things work and improve for myself.
So I’m sitting here just thinking about it more and more and the more I think about it the more I think can I? should I? would I? Then I think just fucken do it!!!! Then I get carried away and not only have I found 1 that I want to do I have actually found 6 in total, that’s right 6 marathons over the next year. Lets see go from sloth AKA couch potato to a person who does marathons WTF right! Do I go for 6 marathons at 42km’s each or do I go for the 21km’s half marathon events hmmmm I’m not sure on that one. The first event would be in 3 months time so possibly the half and see if that kills me, I’ll think and see. That would mean I am doing events in September, October, December, February, March & April.
Why am I even thinking about it??? Well I need to get into exercise and I am struggling to stay motivated BUT if I have a goal to aim for I am a stubborn arse shit and I think I have a better chance of sticking at it. Also hopefully over that period of time I will form a habit and actually stick at it once they are all finished. Shit if I do the 21km’s this year what if I aim for the 42km’s next time round when I am fitter.
There is another reason why I need to do this I need to stop dwelling on things and feeling sad. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant and I need it I know that being an alcoholic it’s to easy for me at the moment to think what’s the point what does it matter if I drink but I realize that is my alcoholic inner beast talking. Can I pull this off, can I find the time to do this, will my body be able to cope with this? I need things to look forward to, I need things that I am proud of myself for achieving afterwards. At the moment if I don’t have some sort of goal or plan I am drifting and it’s a dangerous sort of drifting.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be but it does always require an awareness of my alcoholic demon and I have to be prepared to put in the work and have plans and goals in place to keep me heading in the right direction.