Category Archives: depression

Thank You My Soul Sisters

Now I’m not stupid as in I know that I am an alcoholic and that doesn’t just go away because I am not drinking and I know how easy it is for the wheels to fall off the wagon and end up back at that horrible day one again.

I have no intention of ending up back there but nor did I the other times I did either, but that’s not what I am focusing on here. One of the better ways to avoid that happening again is by building what I call a sobriety tool kit. I am the most important part of that tool box because this is something I can either make work or I can fuck it up it’s that simple. But with the help of the other tools the chances of that not happening are much better.

Apart from myself my biggest and most treasured tool is my Soul Sisters, they are the biggest blessings that I have been given. Is it bad that I have in the back of my mind that if something goes wrong with my Soul Sisters it could be dangerous because I love them so much and it would hurt like a bitch? I hate that part of me, I treasure the best parts but weigh up the bad possibilities as well. I think that if you care deeply for people there is always going to be bits that hurt and that is just a fact of life.

My Soul Sisters love me, support me, are there for me if I really needed them each in their own way. They are also great at being honest with me and they all have different strengths that they bring to the relationship. I really just wanted to put down here how much I love them and the fact is if I had not let them into my life in the last year (and them let me into theirs) that I don’t believe I would of been able to fight as hard. There is a very real possibility with my alcoholism that I would of gone back to drinking. With my drinking I would of slipped back into depression and suicidal thoughts would of been a part of my life again. Because of the fight I have had and the wonderful choosen sisters I have I am a much better and stronger person.

I LOVE being sober, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are more often than the bad now. Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it.

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Expectations & Emotional Bank

Okay prepare for another ramble as I try to get something out of my head and get a grip on how I’m feeling. I have this really shitty habit of expecting things from people and if they don’t work out then I get hurt. I’m one of those people that does a lot for others and really don’t like asking anything in return. I highlight asking because often in my mind I do expect to be shown the same amount of love, willingness to be a really good friend but I think my level of expectations is rather high. I don’t make friends easily but when I do I really smoother them in love and have a huge desire to please and feel appreciated. It’s hard when you know that you are probably being unreasonable in your expectations but you are hurt because you get let down.

Probably best if I give you an example, I have friends that I know if I was ever in trouble and really needed them they would be there or supporting me via emails, messages etc. Anyway I was going to write about something totally different tonight until about 15 minutes ago when I was catching up with a friend. I have asked a couple of friends if the would like to celebrate my soberversary some how and both basically said hell yes. But since that conversation we haven’t discussed it at all and I really don’t want to ask or remind them. Tonight I messaged one of them to see how she was going and check in to make sure everything was okay. She let me know that she is probably going away for up to 5 weeks and I can tell that she has completely forgotten about the soberversary. If she had of remembered she would of brought it up for sure. It hurts that I ask for so little and yet it’s been forgotten.

I thought this time around of being sober I would treat it differently and do something and that no better way than with a couple of soul sisters but now it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. A part of me feels selfish because I know they have their husbands and family that all need their time but it’s not like we get to see each other often at all as in this year it might only be a couple of times. My friends are beautiful amazing ladies but are so damn busy I would love to see them and hang with them but it just doesn’t happen often at all. I know if she brings it up I will say it’s okay it doesn’t matter, which will be bullshit otherwise I wouldn’t feel this disappointed. How much should you expect from a friend? Only as much as they are willing to give? Or as much as you expect? But when do your level of expectations become over the top. It’s like you shouldn’t expect anything in return for your kindness, I know that, but in all honesty when it comes to friendships if all the interactions become withdrawals and there are no deposits you start to wonder if you are being taken advantage of because you are lonely.

Previously I would of just thought fuck it and got pissed, now I don’t want to but I also don’t want to feel this way. I love my friends and would literally do anything they asked of me (I know they would never ask anything that would hurt me or totally stupid) but tonight I am hurt. I will probably end up looking like an idiot if she does remember but sadly I don’t think that will happen this time around. This time around instead of getting pissed I am just going to go to bed then at least I won’t end up feeling worse than I am at the moment, God that sounded like a drama queen. It’s not that bad just hurts a bit and I’ll get over it. Living life sober, raw & real isn’t always easy but it is so bloody worth it.

Emotionally Draining

This morning started in my favorite way by getting up at 5.30am and walking my two little heart beats (my dogs) at sunrise. I am finding that this is absolutely my favorite time of the time, the air is still, the slow increasing glow of the rising sun, the peaceful stillness of the neighborhood and 2 happy dogs in front of me, just bliss. Oh and we meet up with our new friend the elderly dog named Boss. He is so lovely and he gets so excited when he see’s us, of cause when he comes over the dogs all do what dogs do and have their rounds of butt sniffing as they do. Seriously gross and thank goodness it’s only a dog thing! But the whole time their tails and all wagging it’s so precious. By the time it was time to go to work I was in such a good mood and everything just felt right in the world.

I sigh even as I write the next part, this all changed when I started my working day. Most of the staff aren’t happy and they really seem to feed off each other with the negativity of it all. It makes it so hard to stay all happy, happy, joy, joy with that sort of atmosphere around you. There is also a lot of back stabbing going on which is horrible as well so I stay out of it all and just work. I kept saying to myself that I will not let them all ruin my beautiful mood and that worked until about lunch time and then I just started to fold. I found myself thinking it’s lonely being the odd one out that doesn’t want to get involved but I would rather be lonely then join in negative chat and have it slowly erode away any happiness I get in knowing that I actually do a bloody good job.

But I really do want to get out of there some how but wish I could figure out how. I am sick and tired of being in that negative environment. My job no longer challenges me, it was challenging enough doing it hung over when I was drinking and so routine that I didn’t need to think about it. I really feel like it is slowly killing my soul, I want to be helping animals, helping people, making a difference not just making more and more money for corporate bosses.

Living life sober, raw & real is the bestest as it is allowing me to see and feel. Without this awakened senses I wouldn’t be noticing stuff like this I would still be just turning up a functioning alcoholic.

A place to just be…….

This image is MY spot when I am feeling stressed, over whelmed, confused, fucked off, lonely, sad, angry etc, etc, etc. I seriously can’t sit up there (any yep I sit up there with my legs fully crossed, arms resting on my legs, straight back) and not find my calm. It is surrounded by bush and you can smell the bush, hear the bird song and the occasional other animal calling. You can hear other people sometimes if they are being loud, like the big mouth loud person that was way down the bottom sitting outside the cafe but after a while of me just sitting and just being I don’t even hear them.

I am very slowly learning the art of meditation, when I say slowly I seriously have the concentration span of a Chimpanzee (they have a 20 second attention span by the way). I often sit there and go breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat. I get to doing this about 3 times and then think hmm do I need to stop and get something anything for dinner???? Holy shit STOP IT, stop thinking, breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat then wonder what I will find waiting for me at work tomorrow, STOP IT!!!! okay, okay I can do this start again……. you know when that friend said that, I wonder what they meant because I took it this way but it could also mean that way, STOP IT fucken hell your getting ridiculous now!!! Okay I can do this, let’s start again ……………… no, no don’t start thinking, let it go……………….I can manage a minute or two and even that feels surprisingly good. Hey when I first started it was a miracle if I got to 30 seconds without giving up.

This bush is at an old quarry site and also has the most amazing tropical garden, this is my go to place when I need to escape or if I have things that I am struggling with and my busy mind is twisting it. This place slows it all down and lets me think (or not think when I do the above) in a much more relaxed state.

Guess what????? I probably never would of found this place NOR bothered to visit it had I still been drinking. Yet another pure pleasure I have from living life sober, raw & real, God I love being sober.

Sober Life Rocks

Okay in my posts along with musing about this and that and releasing messed up things out of my mind you will also see how much better life is living it raw and real 100% sober. Sleep is better, anxiety levels are better, depression is better, blood pressure is better, errrrr toilet visits are better (if your a hard drinker you will know what I’m on about), relationships are better, your judgement is better, your reliability is better and the list just goes on. But some days I often just notice the small things and this morning was one of those times.

This morning I woke up early (for a weekend) and thought about either rolling back over and going back to sleep or reading a book for a while. But then I thought nah, let’s get up have a shower and take the dogs for a walk while it is still cool. The temperatures are so freakin hot and the humidity is off the scale so it doesn’t take to long into the morning for it to simply be to hot to walk them. It was lovely and cool when we left and everything was so peaceful with the majority of houses in the neighborhood still all closed up and curtains pulled. I live in a beautiful area that has plenty of trees both on the sidewalks and on peoples properties. Through the trees I actually noticed the sky and it was beautiful with pink all through the clouds. The air was fresh, cool and there was a gentle breeze. The dogs wiggly butts in front of me never fails to make me smile and they often pause to stop and sniff. They will often stop sniffing and look at me with pure joy on their faces before they trot on to the next smell. See no matter what time I take my dogs for a walk it is their walk so they can stop and sniff as much as they want. To interupt a dog sniffing is like someone coming along when you are in the middle of a good part in a book and just closing the book on you. There was a lady out jogging with her very elderly dog who asked if it would be okay if he got to say hi to mine. She was lovely and explained how her dog was her life and that even though he was old he still managed to jog 10 kilometers each day. What a lovely old chap he was and his Mum glowing with love for him made my morning even better. The whole walk was just peaceful and I made a conscious effort to just stay in the moment. By the time we got near home I could feel the heat starting to rise and it was just perfect.

If I had of still been drinking there is no way in hell I would be up early in the morning on a weekend. I would of hit the bottle hard telling myself I deserved it after such a hard week at work AND to celebrate it being Friday. I would of stayed in bed later after having had a crappy nights sleep and feeling cloudy head and depending on the level of my drinking feeling ill. I totally would of missed spending that precious time with my dogs out walking enjoying life because by the time I would of got up it would of been far to hot to go anywhere.

This post might seem boring but to me it is a reminder of just how much better life is and that it’s the little things that make it just so bloody worth it. Living life sober, raw & real is 100% a better life for me.

Releasing = Power = Freedom

Releasing things on here that have been trapped inside my mind for so, so long really has helped me. In doing so it often makes for an uncomfortable period of time afterwards as I process and sort out ways to deal with what has been released. Some things I haven’t found ways to deal with yet but I am sure I will find a way to life with them and just realize that they are a part of my history and part of what has made me the person I am today.

Something I like is when any of you comment and often give me your thoughts or experiences along with wisdom on my posts. I have often had an ah ha moment and sat here nodding as I read your comment. Some times when you are the one living it you get blind to the obvious. Often you are betting yourself up over something and then someone says something that makes you realize that you have really been carrying the weight on your shoulders when you don’t deserve to and the weight lifts.

For anyone thinking that blogging might be something they would like to try or that it might help you in your journey (no matter what the journey) just give it a try. You have absolutely nothing to lose and you might find some support and kind words like I have. As well as telling your story might help you there is a good chance it may help a total stranger out there as well. My way of looking at it with mine is I am getting support and friends on here that I love having contact with and help me process things. But the best thing I like is while working on myself I have found that it is actually helping many of you as well. I am an alcoholic, rape survivor, forgotten child hmmmm what else have I exposed on here??? But more importantly these things have happened, I can’t change that but I can change my thinking on them. To know that those shitty things in my past have now given me the ability and knowledge that helps others on here really feels great, something positive out of the darkness.

Sober life is the life for me, living it raw & real, feeling it all and actually having the desire to build a plan for the future has to be one of the greatest feelings after living a life trapped in a cloudy alcohol fused body.

Just another sober ramble.

Can I just say that it is so nice hearing from you guys on here, especially when you have been absent for quite a while. I totally understand the need to break away from this if that is what your sober journey requires. For myself I have found previously that if I do that I tend to just start remembering the good parts of the drinking and then some shit has gone down. Funny but that is not the time I normally drink but afterwards, when I have held my shit together for so long just to get through what ever is happening and then at the end of it I just want to numb the hell out of life for a while. Not at all healthy I tell you but in my typical style I’m drifting off from what I was originally going to put here.

I do worry (not in a OMGosh lets fret about this sort of way) when some of you disappear for a while. I know that if I was back drinking I probably wouldn’t be on here and it’s a worry born of that, pretty shit I know thinking that but it’s a reality that is possible. Anyway a big smile comes on my face when a name that has been absent for a while makes an appearance. Take last night when “Feelings” were down and out just the kind words from someone that had been missing for a while perked me up.

Just wanted to share that because I don’t have a great deal to say tonight. Oh with relation to last nights post I am thinking maybe trying to join a gym again to A. lose the weight & B to maybe meet some new people MAYBE, I have never been a big person on let’s meet and greet in the gym I’m normally to busy working out. But we will see I’m going to look at my budget on the weekend and see if I can afford it, if not I’m walking the streets and dancing in my lounge and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. I am still sad about my friend being away for months at a time but today I found a Silver Lining in it ~ I’ve never had a person that is living in New York care about me before 🙂 silly I know but hey I am trying so hard to find positives. I think it bites so hard because the people I have got in my Tribe are either overseas or extremely busy. I know if I need them they will be there how ever they can in a heart beat and I’m exactly the same for them. A part of me wants nearby friends that aren’t always busy but another part of me doesn’t want people always popping around or wanting to hang out. Yep socially I’m more than a little bit fucked up.

Living life sober, raw & real, tonight is back to being 100% worth it. I don’t always like feeling the sad, mad type of emotions but I feel stronger for working through them. I really do love my friends and thank them so much for putting up with my shit as I first break down and crumble and then are still with me as I start to see the positives again. I really can carry on like Cookie Monster after someone ate his cookies!! XOX