God I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this and I really hope this is just a phase that I’m going through but more and more I find myself thinking what is the point really. I really feel like I’m bobbing around in the ocean just treading water, forever trying to keep my head above water and trying to swim towards a better day but there is an under current that keeps dragging me further and further from the shore. I want to believe that there is sunshine on the horizon and that I’m going to make it but after so long I am tired, so fucken tired and it feels like every so often my head sinks below the water line. Inside there is a spirit in me that wants to fight and kick harder and longer. My mind on the other hand is saying why? You have been doing this for years and you are no closer to that horizon. Sounds super dramatic but it’s just how I’ve been feeling for a while now and think it explains a lot.
I need to find away to come up with some goals and challenges (are they the same thing) in my life but I feel like that part of me is just flat lining. A good example of this is I hate being fat and I know what to do about it and yet I still don’t do anything about it, does that mean that I don’t want it bad enough? Does it mean that I can’t see the point because who am I doing it for really? Am I doing it so society doesn’t judge me, oh maybe so when I go to the doctors they don’t say jump on the scales and then put on my file still obese? I know that I would feel better if I did it but inside my will is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.
I need to figure something out in my mind, I do have so many things to be grateful for like friends, home, my dogs, a job, family etc but I just feel stuck and feel like I’m going to be this way for freakin years to come. When I say that I think of the debt that I carry and how it impacts on everything I do. Being poor sucks, being depressed sucks, having blessings doesn’t suck but it does when I can’t focus on them and be happy. Not even making sense now, I am extremely happy about my blessings in my life but so many parts feel stuck and I am the one with the power to change it but I have to swim harder. Hmmm or do I do I need to relax and let the current take me for a while???
Guess it must be a sign of the times and I’m sure I’m not the only one but I am having trouble sleeping. I will fall asleep eventually but the problem is I don’t stay asleep and wake up repeatedly then to top it off I wake up early. What is it, anxiety, stress, emotional, worries or overtired? I wake up wide awake each time and it takes me a while to be able to drift off again but then it only lasts for and hour or two at the most. I do feel sad along with confused over everything that is happening which combined causes over whelming anxiety. I feel like depression is knocking on the door and I keep grasping at any and all the blessings I can find around me but lack of sleep is really not helping.
Well today was my second day back at work as a part of essential services and to say we are busy is an understatement. We are operating on a skeleton staff so we put the least amount of people at risk as possible so the days are full on and long. One thing I have noticed and sadly it can be so draining when your over loaded with work is just how desperately lonely some people out there are right now during lock down. I am having to phone people and the actual work part of it can be done in 5 minutes but it is taking me so much longer because you can hear the loneliness in their voices and you just have to give them a bit more time and help them feel a bit better and have a joke and a laugh with them. It makes me feel good doing it but by the end of the day I have a massive headache and come home and go to bed to sleep for an hour or two before getting up and having dinner, sorting a few things online and then go back to bed again. So my message to all of you is this, if you know someone who is home alone and you are home in lock down would it be possible to give them a call and just see how they are doing? If they are like my parents they are going to say they are fine but that call could make the world of difference to that one person and it should make you feel good about yourself.
Yep I’m asking you all, how are you doing? You feeling okay? Please feel free to comment and make it as short or long as you like, or don’t that’s okay as well just know that I care. If your like me your doing a lot on internalizing because trying to put into words just how your feeling right now is just to overwhelming. You don’t want to add to peoples fear or anxiety, you don’t want to feel silly for, well if your like me enjoying so many parts of lock down but the whole reason why we are under it and how it is making some people behave is making your anxiety go through the roof. If your not sleeping normally and a lot of your energy is going on trying to distract yourself and stay focused on your blessing because the path your mind could go down is not a healthy route to take. Well I want to say to you that your not alone.
This morning I woke up and that exact message was the first thing I saw from a friend “How are you doing? You feeling okay?” I thought for a moment about doing the old “Yip, yip doing good, how about you?” routine and then I remembered who I was messaging back. She is one of those people that if I only give a brief answer she will message me back a pardon. She’s also one of those people that notices when I’m not at my best mentally. Anyway if you watched the Glennon Doyle Instagram clip I put up last night you will understand what I meant when I replied “I guess I’m sort of at the stage I just need someone to sit on the other side of the door with a coffee ❤ many emotions in a day and just sticking to myself as I deal with them.” Basically saying that just knowing that you are there for me when needed and that you care and want to help, that, that is enough. We chatted for a while longer and she explained how she was feeling and also how she was trying to cope with it.
The whole conversation actually made me feel like the pressure was being released from my body with each message. To have someone you love and admire let you know that you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal and that they are pretty sure a heck of a lot of other people are feeling the same just made me feel so much better. It didn’t take away the feelings but it did ease them and it did make me feel like she was sitting on the other side of the door (not the other side of the world which is the reality) with my coffee smiling and sending me virtual hugs. All of that from this simply message – “How are you doing? You feeling okay?”
The further in my past alcohol is the stronger I am getting, the stronger I am getting the further apart my depression episodes are. I can feel that I am getting stronger in my way of thinking and things that would of made me stressed, angry or sad now don’t have as firmer grip on me like they used to do. I also know that they more I am aware of myself and my actions / reactions to things that happen in my day the more I have control over my happiness. I now don’t dwell on things as long as I used to, previously I could let something simmer for days or even a week or more but not now. Now life is to precious and I have already had to much sadness in it so now I am choosing happiness and being positive. It doesn’t mean that my depression and anxiety don’t exist anymore but it does mean that I am able to have positive thoughts and find my blessings when required much easier than I ever used to.
I reckon the fact that I over think things all the time adds to my exhaustion, I think I literally wear myself out with it all. I don’t do it on purpose infact I can often be sitting here not thinking about a damn thing. But some things I can twist around and round in my little mind and build them up to something that they really aren’t. Oh I know the perfect example like me hoping that Lenny Kravitz’s concert gets postponed because of Coronavirus and wondering if that make me evil to think like that. It’s not evil at all it’s just human nature and plain I’m not in a position to go to his concert at the end of the month but I might be if and when he reschedules.
I was thinking that my drinking used to stop my mind thinking like that BUT as I type this I realize that’s not true either. I used to go into really dark thinking places while I was drinking and the only time it stopped was for the brief time that I was passed out. But being passed out never lasted all night and I would lay there climbing even deeper into my deep thoughts.
I guess that at least now my thoughts are not as deep and scary as they were back then and for that I am extremely grateful.
It seems odd but in a way I am sure I was meant to take this week off and just freakin slow down and stop. With my little dog now being able to use his back legs very much he is very reliant on me for all his needs. I am to be very aware of what he needs and make sure he doesn’t do anything that could hurt himself and take him out for toilet stops etc. We are not leaving the property and I am actually finding this fact very enjoyable. As much as I love our walks and going out myself on bush walks etc there is something about just stopping. I have found myself just being present in the moment so much more without distraction. I might not be doing a good job of explaining it here to you but if I use toilet times as an example I stand outside on the lawn with him just waiting. In that time I have stood there just watching him and his sister and my heart just over flows with the love I have for them. I look at my little back yard and it has a couple of trees in it and a vegetable garden (that’s not doing so well at the moment as we are in the middle of a drought). I am so lucky to have such a peaceful back yard with a lawn, trees for shade and a vegetable plot with so much potential. I can’t wait until we start getting some rain and the heat calms down a bit so I can plant some new vegies. I look toward my home and I love my little house, it is a humble abode but it is perfect for us. Just the right size not to be cramped but small enough that I don’t need to spend all my time cleaning it. It is all on one level which is awesome for my little boy once he starts getting more mobile again.
I guess what I’m trying to say is just stopping and looking at all the blessings right here, right now that I live in every day and often don’t always take the time to notice. These, these are all something to be so grateful for, I can cope with the other things going wrong (including an unexpected overdue bill from the tax office) because I know standing out there on my lawn that we are going to be okay. We already have more than enough and we can solve everything I need to. Thank you higher power for all of my blessings, and thank you for giving me this time home with my injured dog so I could just stop and take notice. Depression is lingering but I am not feeding it, instead I am getting plenty of rest and time out with my fur-babies.
Well it’s not like I didn’t know it already but flippin heck being so tired and sleep deprived really does put you on a slippery slope to depression. It gets very hard and dark in the dark hours when all you want to do is sleep but you can’t. Things get magnified and the depression creeps in and you start to feel sorry for yourself.
I thank God that I don’t drink anymore and that is the biggest key to keeping my head above water. Being sober I have the clarity to see that this is only temporary and that I have so many blessing in my life that I can get through. I swear when this is all over I am going to make it a goal that for at least a month I try going to bed and turning out the light before 10pm each night and just see how different I feel.
This post is going to be about a friend and I don’t normally write about other people but wanted to see if you guys would have any advice.
My friend admitted to me the other night that she is depressed and is having suicidal thoughts. I have been in that position myself and thankfully I never got to the point of actually doing anything. All I did the other night was just listen and take in everything that was going on, well everything that she was willing to share with my. I didn’t say at the end don’t do it or beg her to stay. A lot of the reason was because a lot of her problem is that she is nursing her mother and she said that she wouldn’t do anything while she was still here. She did go on to telling me some of the things she had to do to prepare for when she did do it. I am confident that she won’t do anything while her mother is around but for now I don’t know if there is anything more I can do for her than just be available if she needs to talk. I have suggested therapy before and reaching out for help all of which she ha said is not for her.
I know from when I was so low that people couldn’t make me do things I didn’t want to do and if they kept pushing then I would just push them away. I don’t want her to push me away and I want her to feel that she can trust me. So any suggestions without me sharing to much of HER story for anything else I could try to help her? I do know one thing for sure I am grateful that I am living life sober so no matter what time of the day or night she might call, if she calls I will be 100% present and able to help her anyway possible.