Tag Archives: Giving Up Boozing

Way Over Due For A POSITIVE Post

I seem to use my blog to get out the negative, crazy and embarrassing things that rattle around in my head and often forget to just breath and let you all know that there is also so much in my life to be grateful for.  I have many, many blessings in my life and spend way to much time deep in thought pondering over shit that matters but really shouldn’t take up so much space in my head. Could explain why it’s here in my blogging world as purely a way to get it out and move on. Anyways moving on time for a moment to share some of my blessings with you all.

  1. I am over 300 days sober now (I think I will confirm that when I get home and look at my calendar).
  2. I am so grateful that even with the mind of an addict I have managed to stay on my goal and am still sober.
  3. Okay I am not going to start all of these with I am so please take that as a given. Attended my first work party since going sober and am a happy sober day after person now 🙂
  4. Happy that I got to offer to be sober driver to make sure everyone would get home safely.
  5. Deepest love in my life is my dog’s and now that I am living sober I am even more aware of their amazing natures and the deepest love that I have for them.
  6. So happy that I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge for the dog’s and myself, power, phone and electricity.
  7. I still haven’t mastered how to make my pay last from pay-day to pay-day and end up robbing Peter to pay Paul, but at least I have a Peter to help out Paul! Previously Peter would have already have been broke after finding funds to feed my addiction. So I have Peter to fall back on and the next aim is to not need Peter, baby steps here.
  8. I still have a bloody good job that pays a reasonable wage.
  9. My parents are nearing their 80’s but are still in reasonable health.
  10. I have a volunteer job that I work on in evenings and weekends and I love it.
  11. Ice Cream, I have Ice Cream in my life. Now that one might seem a bit random to some of you in amongst all of this but picture this – I have food allergies and can not eat anything containing wheat, gluten or dairy. For years I have not had Ice Cream or Chocolate and now I have found a form of both that I can have. PLEASE don’t ponder what is actually in them and to people who can have the real version it probably taste yuck but to me I am in heaven when I eat them.
  12. Painkillers, I have a problem with a disc in my upper back at the moment and without pain killers it feels like someone is stabbing a hot poker in there.
  13. Friends, I have some amazing friends around me that I need to learn to communicate with better and I need to learn how to ask them for help more.
  14. My car, it is nothing flash in fact I would call in a Nana vehicle but oh my I would be lost without it.
  15. My freedom, you know when I watch TV and I see the poor people in war-torn countries my heart breaks for them. The fear on their tired faces is unforgettable.
  16. The country that I was born in and live in, New Zealand is a really amazing beautiful part of the world to be in.
  17. My health which I never take for granted, I have officially died on an operating table and the life that I was living before that was one of repeated illness and pain. Now when I make it through the day well and without pain (apart from my back) I am so blessed.
  18. This blog as it has become the place where I can just be me and ramble out what ever random shit I feel like with no guilt, shame, embarrassment or nervousness.
  19. Music, there is pretty much always music close by if not on with me I can’t even imagine being without it.
  20. stubbornness, okay that is a weird thing to put on this list but without it I would not be where I am in live right now.

If you are still here thanks for reading it all the way though, some of what is on here is so basic but if I was to remove any part from my life the hole would be huge.

Stay strong and every so often please sit back and count your blessings. XOXOXOXO

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Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Okay so I am sure the image at the top is to do with much deeper things than what I am about to blog about here BUT this is my blog and it sure is appropriate for me. I think I have discussed on here before about how socially awkward I am and seriously it guts me to be like this. I really am one of those people that is so much more comfortable around animals than I am with humans. I know some amazing people who have the kindest hearts but when it comes to being around them I clam up and nerves just shuts me down. I feel like I completely shut down YET have me chatting to them via Facebook messenger or text or email it is not a problem.  What is it about being face to face with someone and in the case I am thinking of it was Skype for the first time with a friend that I have chatted with via Facebook for coming up a year now. On Facebook we can chat away and everything flows smoothly with a really great friendship going but once it came to being face to face I got so nervous and just shut down. I must of looked like a right fucken idiot.

No wonder I am a lonely person I am so crap at being around people and talking to the face to face to the point I even made myself feel awkward lol. I don’t know how I am going to fix this one but I have to figure out a way.

Oh on another note I am going to have to check the calendar at home but I believe that I am now over 300 days sober, woop woop amazing myself with that one. I think instead of having my brother living with me who does drink and drugs that instead of pulling me back into it my mind is in the right place and it is infact making me push it even further away. I still have moments where I think oh God I would love a drink just to sit and relax and stop dwelling on stupid shit but I now realize that it’s not actually the drink that I want it is the ability to relax and forget about my problems for a while. I have come a long way in my thinking baby!!!!

Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

Tomorrow is my 1st Month down staying sober anniversary!!!

Holy Shit Batman I have to be honest that I didn’t even think I was going to be reaching the point this time round. There has been many shitty days, emotional days, cloudy days and feeling like crap days in the mix. My mind is a powerful tool and it has put up a really strong fight with itself, maybe left brain fighting right brain I’m not sure, and I am winning.

Oh yesterday was recycle bin collection time. I don’t know why I find this day so significant but I think it was because I used to feel ashamed putting out my overflowing bin for the whole neighborhood to see. I am in my mid 40’s and my parents come around to my house a lot while I am at work and I would cringe at the thought of them seeing my recycle bin if the truck hadn’t been past to empty it before they saw it. I also have a friend that has moved into the neighborhood that use to kindly do some personal training with me and she knows about my drinking problem but I still felt ashamed of her seeing my over flowing bin (even though she is the only person that knows of my problem and is the most non-judgmental person I know) and seeing just how much I did drink behind closed doors. It’s weird some parts of me could not give a flying fuck what some people think of me except my family and close friends. As for caring what my neighborhood thinks of me it comes down to the fact that I don’t like to be judged as not normal. I want to go unnoticed and to not be judged on my drinking problem. ANYWAYS for the running update once again I decided my recycle bin did not warrant putting out by the roadside and it’s contents is now – 7 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 1 X Conditioner Bottle. Interesting enough I have had the past week off work and I was here as the truck drove around emptying everyone’s bins and I found myself smiling as I listened to the loud clanking and crashing noises of the bins that did have empty alcohol bottles in them. You guys better hope I get that darn bin emptied sometime soon so you don’t have to keep hearing about it hahahaha.

This week I had another first with a social / meeting that involved food and drinks for everyone there. They had even gone to the trouble of buying my favorite drink, Speights Cider, damn! I managed to turn down the drink when offered to me while telling them I was so sorry I am doing Dry July (not sure if that is a world wide thing or just something here in NZ, people give up drinking for the month of July in support of Cancer, some get sponsorship to take part and donate the money raised to the Cancer Society). To say I was doing this was much easier than explaining why I did not want to drink and got accepted with ease. It also made it easier for me to focus because if I backed down and drank I would of looked like a right arsehole in everyone’s eyes. At one stage someone walked past my chair carrying one of those Speights Ciders and I watched the bottle as it passed, my mouth filled with saliva as my body screamed “Get One” I had to drop my head and refocus my mind to no. I did find it hard to stay focused at the meeting and hope I don’t have to attend another one anytime soon but now at least I know I can do it.

Finishing this one off with more positives –

  • My headaches are easing and somedays I don’t have any.
  • My concentration spans are lasting longer.
  • I have completed reading a whole book (something that I haven’t been able to do for years)
  • I don’t need to worry that I have only a few dollars left in my bank while waiting for payday because there is nothing that I really need where as before I would of been in a panic and trying to work out how I was going to pay for another box of cider.
  • My dog’s are happier with the new me.

Oh I just about forgot I have started a new book called “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know” by George W.” and I read something in there I thought I would share with you all.

As addicts, we’ve abused the hell out of ourselves, often for months or years. Now our bodies are in shock, our minds are confused and disoriented, and we generally loathe everything and everybody, including ourselves. We didn’t get sick overnight, and we certainly won’t get well overnight, either. But this will pass and things will get better, if you can just hang in there for another twenty-four hours.

Now I don’t know about the loathe everything and everybody but I am going through a battle of loathing myself for being an intelligent person but still letting a liquid poison have so much control over my body for so long even when I realized I had a problem years ago. But for now I am starting to feel prouder of myself for fighting back and winning. I draw strength for all of the other amazing people blogging on here that are helping me realize that the crazy thoughts in my head are normal for us. I am just a normal person.

Love to You All and Let’s Look After Each Other.