Some times I get really pissed off with myself!!!! I was, no have been, doing really great with my weight loss and shaping up. I have lost almost 10kg’s and have dropped a few sizes in my clothes. I fell great about this but then came a friendly warning from my friend / trainer – “I want to know what is your goal weight?” my reply “I don’t have one”. She looked at me with a look of really, raised eye brows, “how far are you going to take this?” my reply “Until I feel good about myself”. At this stage I couldn’t even look her in the eye. She said “but you look great, your face has changed and is now drawn in how about stopping now?” my reply “no I have still got to lose all of this” standing there holding on to my spare tyre around my belly. She just laughed at me and said “we all have parts of us that we are not happy with we have to learn to live with them, I repeat you look great how about stopping now? You can’t afford to keep losing when you already have tummy problems in your life we need to leave you with reserve for those times when you get ill. So how about saying I am happy where I am now?” I didn’t know what to say at this point and said ” I would think about it”. Her come back comment was what threw me – “I am worried that you are taking your addiction from drinking and instead turning that addiction into a weigh loss addiction. Not only that but part of your personality is you are OCD and once you commit to something you take it to extremes.” I had not even seen this link before she said it.
Just so it is clear I love this lady to bits, like a sister and I love her direct nature so I am not offended by her saying this to me I am grateful that she has spoken her mind. She was worried that I would be offended but I wasn’t. Later I was able to tell her I wasn’t upset with her for speaking up and saying it to me. I understand that she loves me and you don’t hurt the people that you love, it’s not rocket science and thanked her for being her. There are actually no other people that can speak to me like this and I thank God everyday for bringing her into my life.
Anyways (sorry once again I am all over the place getting this out of my head) the reason I am pissed with myself is that I have now enjoyed a week of eating what ever I want, I have not been to the gym once and now I feel disappointed in myself. It’s one of those times when this weekend I intended to go to the gym both days but instead this morning I woke up and I was so incredibly tired, exhausted call it what you will. I ended up taking the dogs for their walk after hanging out all the washing, coming home sitting on the computer for an hour, going to the shops, coming home and taking a Nana nap with the dogs, took the dogs to the park for play date, came home did the ironing, cooked dinner and that has been it for the day. LAZY comes to mind, I feel since giving up drinking that I have so much to do and so little time to do it in because I have wasted the last 20 years as a functioning drunk. It was almost as if I used her talk to give myself permission to slack right off.
Tomorrow is another day let’s see if I can be more productive then and go to the gym and get a workout in!!!!! I am suffering depression again and that alone should be another reason why I get off my arse and go to the gym for those happy vibes it produces.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley
Well here I am having quite the journey which is not quite as I expected. I am so happy to be here as there have been many times when I could of stumbled and just said “Fuck It” and went out and started to drink again. But I haven’t and there is a powerful reason why I haven’t and that is the fact that oh my gosh if drinking has the power to put me where I am right now I am never touching it again, EVER!!!
Depression has hit me like a freight train and I am at the point that I am going to go to the Doctors this week because I refuse to keep living like this. I have SO SO many blessings in my life that it guts me that I feel this way. I find it hard to even crack a smile unless I am out in public and feel that it is necessary so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I have done the normal roving around different blogs and websites and they all say that this can be a normal part of a heavy drinker giving up as the mind is so use to coping with the alcohol fueling it that coping without can send it into a spin. Some people are lucky and don’t have any depression and others I have seen said they suffered for months and sometimes a year or two. Well screw that I can not keep going like this and have decided it is time to ask for help. If I keep being this miserable I am scared that I will cave in and start drinking again just to bring on my friend the numb brain and get some relief. I also don’t think it is normal to have thoughts about killing yourself to make it stop but knowing that you would not go through with it because of the hurt it would bring on to others are at all healthy.
I am also at risk of losing a really good friend because of my down moods and not being her normal happy go lucky friend. I am even pushing her away because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t like it and don’t want her seeing me like this.This is another reason for me going to ask for help, I would give my life for this friend and it hurts me that this is effecting our friendship. I will be seeing her later today and will be trying to explain this all to her and ask her to please don’t give up on me I am going to get help.
I went to the gym again yesterday and am super disappointed to find out that the 2 young ladies that treated me like shit the other day are actually staff there. Gutting and not sure what I am going to do about this. I want my fit healthy body back but I am not in a good mental space to be able to deal with what I have decided was being bullied. I saw them both when I went to the gym, one on reception that just turned her back on me as I walked in. And the other was doing life saving at the pool that you look at while on the cardio machines who saw me also and just looked at me and turned away. Now these could be just normal no meaning reactions but because of my fragile mental state I am not coping well with them. I’ll see and keep going but the thought it going through my head of saving up and buying my own work out gear for at home. I know you don’t need to spend big dollars but one thing I like is strength training and get a buzz out of things like bench press and box squats. Who knew but I do now that I love these things. I also love the DOMS that it can bring on for me that next day. It makes me feel that my body is alive and the pain / discomfort is purely the sign of it building strength and growing stronger.
I have been going to the gym for I think 3 weeks now and have lost 5 kg’s and am already fitting clothes that I use to take of in disgust because I looked like a baby hippo trying to squeeze into a snakes shredded skin 🙂 so I am very happy about that, I have a long way to go but I am doing it.
Now on with my day and getting up the courage to ask my friend for 5 minutes of her time so I can explain how much I value our friendship and that I am sorry for how I have been but I will be getting help as I love her and don’t want to bring this shitty depressed cloud into our friendship. Wish me luck.
Stay strong everyone and remember it was our addictions that brought us to where we are today.
Now please don’t get upset with my for the heading because I myself come under that title. Oh and I have the proof to back it up I put on my big girl undies on the weekend and got off my big fat arse and joined a gym. The reason for the title is have you guys ever seen the Bruce Willis movie “Sixth Sense” where the little boy keeps seeing dead people? While think of how it says that in a quiet whisper of “I see dead people” and that is how I feel. And it is haunting me as I go out and do things like grocery shopping I just kept running into fat people and it just made me sad. It also made me think I don’t want to be like this anymore. After 20 years of hard drinking I have decided that I want to try to get this weight off my body. I want to feel healthy, I want to fit all the items I have in the draws and wardrobe at home that I purchased feeling to fat to try them on in the shop. Once home I would try them on and then just about sob as I looked in the mirror and realized that I looked like that fucken Michellin Man or just that sinking feeling once you slip it on and you feel it grip you know every bulge is on public display.
Anyway since making this decision everywhere I go I notice fat people and I am not seeing any of them as fat and jolly at all. They just look sad, depressed and ashamed – just like me. I have passed the 60 days sober mark and I am hoping that I am not setting up another challenge to soon. My reasoning is how long do I want to wait and for how long am I prepared to use coping with one thing at a time as an excuse? I want it now damn it and I am prepared to work my arse off. Now my trainer (who is a very dear friend) did all the measurements and pinching with the body fat claws and came up with the result that I am currently sitting at around 45% body fat (told you I have the proof). I figure that is like an extra person free loading on me. This freeloader is making me very tired and has got to go!!!
So off we trot to the gym and you know what I really enjoyed the work out. I also enjoyed hanging with a friend and enjoying each others company. It has lifted my sprit and left me with a sense of achievement. I have taken the first step people, I have lift off from the couch. I have gone from a person that just over a couple of months ago was worried that I was actually going to die from the way I, yes I no one else ME, was treating my body. I am on heart pressure medication and I am on double what my Dad is on. Dad is twice my age has had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass but he is half the medication I am on. SHAME ON ME. But I am working towards changing this and feel good about my decision.