God I can be a fucken insecure idiot!!! There really is no better way to describe myself and how I get all worked up and build up shit in my own mind. How the hell do my poor friends cope, although in fairness I moan, cried and carried on about it on here and didn’t actually tell them and thank goodness for that. If I had told them I would of felt even stupider than I do right now. I even feel dumb sharing this on here but it’s better I share my insecurities and crazyness with you all than you think poor little me (well on this one anyway lol).
So I got myself all upset because I thought a couple of my Soul Sisters that I had asked to share my soberversary with has forgotten. These two amazing souls are always so busy, they both have so much going on. I LOVE my Soul Sisters so much, I have never had a sister so these are super special because they are my chosen sisters. Would I die for them? Hmmmm you know what I think I would. Yep I am procrastinating and not getting to the point.
On the weekend my beautiful Soul Sister hmmm I keep wanting to give her the nickname Lala (probs cause she makes my heart sing) because I don’t want to use her real name on here. ANYWAYS she asked me when are we celebrating your soberversary? I really was so freakin happy!!! She remembered, woop, wooop feeling so blessed right in that moment. Oh my God it is amazing how much my feelings can fluctuate with my friends, I really do ride an emotional roller coaster and I am the craziest driver!! Not just a hazard to my own mental health but can be hazardous to others as well! Now she can’t do anything on the actual date but we do now have plans for a get together on the 10th, YAS!!!!! so happy and I absolutely love any time we get together.
Now onto second Soul Sister who made contact tonight, I can’t think of a nickname for her yet but anyway while telling me what dates she is going to be out of the country she drops in so when are we getting together to celebrate. Shit I’m surprised you can’t all see my smile from where ever you are in the world!!! These ladies really do work so hard and have such busy lives that the fact they both remembered without prompting shows me how much they really do care and what a total idiot I have been. I told her I honestly thought she had forgotten with her crazy life. We can’t do anything until she comes back home again but then we will. I am really hoping that I can do something with her and Lala because they are both so special to me and have both meant so much to me this year. Without them (and the support of my other Soul Sister oh and you all on here) I really wouldn’t of seen the potential I have got to make the rest of my life into something AMAZING.
These Souls Sisters were hmmm what I would call friends but not really that well known until this past year with my sober journey and along with my blogging Soul Sister I really couldn’t of been blessed more than with these 3 amazing ladies, all so smart, funny, loving, caring, hard working, empathetic and oh a must for me all love animals. I feel so stupid that I felt the way I did and that I carried on like I did feeling all let down. I am such a slow learner I have to learn that I can trust and rely on people but also if they do let me down it’s not because they don’t care but simply because they forgot or life has got too busy.
Signed very sorry I ever doubted your level of caring my Soul Sister Tribe XOXO living life Sober, raw & real, is so fucken awesome. Without it I wouldn’t be living the life I am now with visions of a bright future.
Last night I explained that the love and support of my Soul Sisters are a vital part of my sober journey this time, without them I really don’t believe I would of had the energy to of survived.
Another part of my sober kit is YOU ALL my BLOGGING FRIENDS!!! What an amazing community I have found on here. I have found a life long friend who is now part of my Soul Sister tribe and we communicate off here as well but then there is everyone else. I can not express how much it has meant to me with each and every “like” or “comment” that you have taken the time to do. To feel seen and not invisible is a huge deal along with finding so many that can relate to my journey. It is a huge help to not feel so alone and an even better feeling to know that I have helped some of you on your journeys as well.
I love your words of wisdom, your advice, your sharing of your own experiences, and the encouragement and praise that is given on here makes me feel so good and worthwhile. For those of you that have said you have included me in your prayers I am so grateful ❤ I would not describe myself as a non-believer as I do believe in a higher power but I just struggle with the faith side of things BUT it really does matter that you take them time to include me in your prayers.
I am loving living life sober, raw and real, because of this I can now see things a lot clearer. I was going to say that this is another of the small blessings that I notice but it’s not small it is actually a really big deal and I thank you all so much.
I’m having one of those OMG I feel so freakin blessed because I am living life sober moments in my life. I am so happy that I am sober but this is one of those I’m feeling like something is shining down on me sort of moments. But it’s not because of anything huge but because of all the little things that I am noticing and because of all the little things that are possible because I am sober and well dare I say it awake. There is a difference between sober awake and living life drinking as an alcoholic sober! Let me explain the little things from the last few days that are making me feel this way.
On Friday I had the day off work as I was going to get my hair done, oh let me tell you something not related to feeling good about my hair (sorry just a little side track). All of a sudden it has taken on this weird life of it’s on and it gets greasy by lunch time up the top and the hair has actually got thicker!!! Fuck it pisses me off because I am the type of girl that has to wash her hair everyday and shower at least once a day because my OCD HATES being dirty so the fact my hair looks dirty is a big deal to me. Anyway it turns out it is part of menopause along with that old hair on my chinny chin chin, FUCK YOU menopause you little bitch! Should be grateful I’m still alive to be going through it but I’m still allowed to have feelings about shit like that lol.
Anyway that was off topic I put on a load of washing and the bloody machine stopped working and came up with an error code. Damnit I think let’s see if we can sort this out ourselves. I slipped on my big girl panties (in my mind only) and got out the owner manual and then checked the outlet hose for blockages. Nope didn’t work so tried the old unplug from the wall and let it reset itself for a bit. Hmm nope that didn’t work either running out of time so had to leave it with the load of washing sitting in there grrrrr. Off to have my hair done (and discuss what we could do about the bloody greasy hair).
After the hair dresser I went to the SPCA to discuss my wanting to become an Animal Welfare Investigator and talked with people already doing the role. I came out of there so excited and happy in the feeling that this really is the right career path for me! There is no way I would be looking at exciting new career options nor realised how soul killing my current position is if I had still been drinking so thank you sober life!
Back home and back to the bloody washing machine. Normally by now in my drinking days I would be having a melt down and all upset like a big cry baby. I probably would of cracked open a bottle to calm myself while I tried to figure out what was wrong, then given up and just got stuck in drinking. Not the sober me, oh shit no that bloody machine was not going to beat me and besides I can’t afford to pay a service agent if I don’t have to thank you very much. Guess what???? That’s right sober me figured it out calmly and by using processes of elimination!! It was a wad of my hair mixed with normal washing machine lint (who knew it could be so strong when there is a build up of it!!! Oh and by the way losing your hair is another part some females go through with menopause, like a really bad molt from winter to summer coat! The wad of hair was enough to stop the water pump from spinning and once a pulled that out I was able to spin the pump again. Plug it in, fire it up and wait and see……….. YUS it worked!!! Now did I mention that if I had NOT been living the sober life I wouldn’t of had the patience to figure this out??? Will blow my own trumpet and say pretty bloody happy with myself at this point!!!!
This weekend I have emailed to find more information about requirements for a grant I want to apply for university fees for the required course for Animal Welfare Investigator. Have told my Team Leaders on the volunteer work I do that I will be spending time with the ladies from the SPCA learning all I can off them for the role. Oh and I told them all that I was an alcoholic just as a side note and explained that the cloud has lifted and I need to do this for me. Hmmm what else oh I have lost 3kg’s since being on my diet and increasing my exercise.
Really it just feels like a huge cloud that had been blocking my view has lifted and for the first time I can see a opportunity for myself to start a new and exciting life. Have I mentioned that living life sober, raw and real, feeling the good with the bad is fucken awesome????
I am so freakin sensitive and emotional, I have always, always felt things very deeply and I have always had the ability (hmmm not sure if that is the right word) to feel others pain deeply. I don’t know if at the moment the fact that I am menopausal as well is increasing it but pretty bloody sure it would. I feel sorry for my friends some times but I think I am pretty good at hiding it. I hurt so easily and even have to tell myself to stop being stupid in relation to often taking things that the say or do the wrong way. I think I need to wrap myself in fragile tape or something.
I used to push everyone away and not let people in but now that I have let people in I LOVE them so much!! But letting people into your life isn’t always easy as I have insecurities because of my past. I’m pretty sure we all have things that we are insecure about but there are one’s that I have that can have an impact on my friendships. I have shared on here parts of my upbringing and the fact that I was the forgotten child which got apologized for later in life. While that part of my upbringing has left me with the insecurity of needing to know that I am loved by people that I love. I’m not talking about people that I just call acquaintances or just your run of the mill friends, I talking about the deep meaningful friends that you share everything with and are totally open to them Soul Sister type friends. At first I did a fucked up thing and panicked as one of these friendships was pretty new and tried to push them away again. It was pathetic and I bet myself up so badly for it I was a wreck, I was so pissed with myself for doing it. Funny enough she forgave me straight away and moved on but I couldn’t and stayed stuck for days. Anyway now I am going through a period of needing to know that I am loved and valued as a friend. I also have this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying they are too good for you they are going to get sick of your insecurities and drift away. It is all a huge mind fuck that I put myself through.
Once again I have to keep over riding my Crazy Cracker Mind (CCM) from these irrational thoughts. Letting these thoughts get out of control could have the exact outcome that I am letting CCM tell me, absolute fucken madness. I keep trying to tell myself I am a bloody nice person and I might not be pretty or super smart but I am worthy. I also keep telling myself that these amazing ladies are so fucken awesome and they are really caring and smart people. I don’t believe they would of become my friends just to walk away now. Incase your wondering YES I will be getting professional help for all of this and I am on a waiting list with a therapist. This all sounds like crazy arse talk and I’m really hoping that at least one person (not that I want anyone to feel like this) says hey me too!!! just so I don’t feel like such a reject.
Oh on the subject of therapist I was checking out a life coach as well but after being honest with her she has advised me to do therapy first and to work through my pain and issues then come back to work with her.
All of this thinking (yep even the CCM part) and realizing that it is a problem that I need help with is all noticeable to ME now and only because I am sober. I am no longing living under a bullshit cloud / haze of alcohol, I am not numbing out the bad along with the good (there is still plenty of good) I am feeling and dealing with it all raw and real and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Okay prepare for another ramble as I try to get something out of my head and get a grip on how I’m feeling. I have this really shitty habit of expecting things from people and if they don’t work out then I get hurt. I’m one of those people that does a lot for others and really don’t like asking anything in return. I highlight asking because often in my mind I do expect to be shown the same amount of love, willingness to be a really good friend but I think my level of expectations is rather high. I don’t make friends easily but when I do I really smoother them in love and have a huge desire to please and feel appreciated. It’s hard when you know that you are probably being unreasonable in your expectations but you are hurt because you get let down.
Probably best if I give you an example, I have friends that I know if I was ever in trouble and really needed them they would be there or supporting me via emails, messages etc. Anyway I was going to write about something totally different tonight until about 15 minutes ago when I was catching up with a friend. I have asked a couple of friends if the would like to celebrate my soberversary some how and both basically said hell yes. But since that conversation we haven’t discussed it at all and I really don’t want to ask or remind them. Tonight I messaged one of them to see how she was going and check in to make sure everything was okay. She let me know that she is probably going away for up to 5 weeks and I can tell that she has completely forgotten about the soberversary. If she had of remembered she would of brought it up for sure. It hurts that I ask for so little and yet it’s been forgotten.
I thought this time around of being sober I would treat it differently and do something and that no better way than with a couple of soul sisters but now it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. A part of me feels selfish because I know they have their husbands and family that all need their time but it’s not like we get to see each other often at all as in this year it might only be a couple of times. My friends are beautiful amazing ladies but are so damn busy I would love to see them and hang with them but it just doesn’t happen often at all. I know if she brings it up I will say it’s okay it doesn’t matter, which will be bullshit otherwise I wouldn’t feel this disappointed. How much should you expect from a friend? Only as much as they are willing to give? Or as much as you expect? But when do your level of expectations become over the top. It’s like you shouldn’t expect anything in return for your kindness, I know that, but in all honesty when it comes to friendships if all the interactions become withdrawals and there are no deposits you start to wonder if you are being taken advantage of because you are lonely.
Previously I would of just thought fuck it and got pissed, now I don’t want to but I also don’t want to feel this way. I love my friends and would literally do anything they asked of me (I know they would never ask anything that would hurt me or totally stupid) but tonight I am hurt. I will probably end up looking like an idiot if she does remember but sadly I don’t think that will happen this time around. This time around instead of getting pissed I am just going to go to bed then at least I won’t end up feeling worse than I am at the moment, God that sounded like a drama queen. It’s not that bad just hurts a bit and I’ll get over it. Living life sober, raw & real isn’t always easy but it is so bloody worth it.
This morning started in my favorite way by getting up at 5.30am and walking my two little heart beats (my dogs) at sunrise. I am finding that this is absolutely my favorite time of the time, the air is still, the slow increasing glow of the rising sun, the peaceful stillness of the neighborhood and 2 happy dogs in front of me, just bliss. Oh and we meet up with our new friend the elderly dog named Boss. He is so lovely and he gets so excited when he see’s us, of cause when he comes over the dogs all do what dogs do and have their rounds of butt sniffing as they do. Seriously gross and thank goodness it’s only a dog thing! But the whole time their tails and all wagging it’s so precious. By the time it was time to go to work I was in such a good mood and everything just felt right in the world.
I sigh even as I write the next part, this all changed when I started my working day. Most of the staff aren’t happy and they really seem to feed off each other with the negativity of it all. It makes it so hard to stay all happy, happy, joy, joy with that sort of atmosphere around you. There is also a lot of back stabbing going on which is horrible as well so I stay out of it all and just work. I kept saying to myself that I will not let them all ruin my beautiful mood and that worked until about lunch time and then I just started to fold. I found myself thinking it’s lonely being the odd one out that doesn’t want to get involved but I would rather be lonely then join in negative chat and have it slowly erode away any happiness I get in knowing that I actually do a bloody good job.
But I really do want to get out of there some how but wish I could figure out how. I am sick and tired of being in that negative environment. My job no longer challenges me, it was challenging enough doing it hung over when I was drinking and so routine that I didn’t need to think about it. I really feel like it is slowly killing my soul, I want to be helping animals, helping people, making a difference not just making more and more money for corporate bosses.
Living life sober, raw & real is the bestest as it is allowing me to see and feel. Without this awakened senses I wouldn’t be noticing stuff like this I would still be just turning up a functioning alcoholic.