I am so very blessed to have my own home, it is a perfect little home for me and my dogs. The awesome thing is that it is the perfect size for us, not to big, not to small just freakin perfect. I used to look at other peoples homes and be envious of them but no more. This is the part of me needing to focus on being content with my life right now. How silly of me to miss it and to take this blessing for granted, I don’t think that is quite the right word but silly for wanting bigger, flasher and more modern. How about I turn this around and stop being an ungrateful little bitch?
I love my home, it is not to big so it doesn’t take long to do the housework each weekend. Cosy is a word that comes to mind and I have moulded it into my own little haven and relax zone. I don’t think anyone should take having a home for granted now a days and you are blessed if you have one. Sadly my awareness is growing of seeing homeless people more and more. So many people & families are living in their cars or in emergency housing that just the security of having your own home is a blessing that so many no longer have.
In my volunteer role I am dealing with more and more people who are having to rehome their pets because they no longer have a home or they have had to move into a rental that they can afford but it won’t allow pets. It is often not a case of them rehoming them because they don’t care but rather because they do care so much and want the best for their pets. Just the other night I was helping a guy find a foster for his cat. He loves his cat so much and it is so sad because he probably needs the cat with him but he is living in his car and has decided that it is not fair on a cat to live in a car. He is looking for a foster but will pay all expenses and is hoping to find somewhere to live eventually that will let him have his cat with him. I am so blessed that I have my own home and giving up my pets is not something I need to worry about.
Yep I am so content, blessed and grateful that I have my own home and it will never be taken for granted.
I think I want to focus on my own contentment more, I want to focus more on the many blessings that I already have in my life. I have so many and also think I have missed some important achievements that I have done over the last 18 months of sobriety. It’s to late now as I am TRYING to get to bed earlier each night and see how I feel doing that but I am committing to a week of contentment posts 🙂 In 7 posts I don’t think I will have any trouble at all finding topics each night.
Actually lets quickly start tonight with an item on contentment. I am so happy that I am living a sober life and not only am I content to be this way but it’s a huge blessing. The clarity that comes with living without booze is incredible and totally missed while you are drinking. I used come up with so many excuses so I could keep drinking but what I should of been doing is finding the many reasons why not drinking is so much better.
I have seen numerous times people writing or even saying to me that you can’t expect to find love if you don’t love yourself first. Now I don’t have any qualifications in the subject but for me I say this is bullshit and here is why. I believe that if someone loves you, truly loves you for you and shows you unconditional love then it is possible from that to learn to love yourself. Hey if that theory works for you then great and I’m not saying it’s bullshit for everybody as I can only speak for myself. If someone was to love me for me I would be more likely to love myself as well.
Let’s break it down I do like myself but I do have trouble with my own self worth so don’t think you can love yourself without it. I have had a mother who suffered from a breakdown when I was born and never bonded with me. I had a father who was working so many jobs that I think he only came home to sleep. I had a brother who got heavily into drugs and instead of being the brother that looked out for his little sister instead he hurt her physically and mentally. I left home at 16 to move in with my then boyfriend who ended up getting into drugs and heavy drinking along with cheating who hurt me physically and mentally. These are the people that should of been my teachers as such in learning my worth and encouraging me while loving me.
Perhaps if someone loved me and treated me well and encouraged and praised me in life then it would have a positive impact in my healing and learning of self worth. Perhaps, who knows this is just another example of the ramblings that roll around in my head.
Living life sober gives me the chance to think and grow while learning more about myself. There is so much to learn and so much growing to do. Before I never thought about self love, self acceptance, self care but now I do and I think it is all positive growth.
My mind often swings between nothingness and so many intense thoughts all at once I almost have to tell them to take a number. Over the last week I could feel myself getting more and more wound up an I just needed to step away from it all today and take time out for myself. I took myself off to my favorite place and the photos in my header are some I took while there including my spot I go to meditate. It is an amazing spot that is off the normal walking track in the bush where the bird sing around you and the whole thing is just tranquil and just what I needed. It is amazing how I can be in this place and experience so many thoughts and emotions (I pretty much always have a cry up there just from being overwhelmed by my own thoughts) and yet when I take the time to just sit and just be and tell my mind stop for a moment lets draw breath my body just calms. I was going to explain the amount of thoughts I had before I reached this moment but instead I am hoping that I just leave you with calm or the desire to go out and find your own calming place.
I should know better than thinking to myself okay I am going to open up this little daily calendar and write about the inspiration quote I find for today.
You are a BADASS
Important Emotions Note
Feel what you feel, have a temper tantrum, shake your fist in the air and curse thy enemy’s name, lie facedown in your driveway and weep, let your emotions live large, and then . . . make the decision to move on. It’s when we wallow in our negative emotions that we let them hold us back. Experiencing them, however, is healthy and critical to releasing them. – By Jen Sincero
The longer I am living sober the more I can see the importance of feeling and not numbing everything. A big part of that is to also give yourself permission to allow yourself to feel the emotions that come with the feelings and memories. I really look back now at my life and think what the fuck!!! Seriously how did I survive and it gives me chills now with how I lived for over 20 years drinking so heavily in order to avoid dealing with any of it. It is hard, it is really hard and it is exhausting but it is so very worth it. In order to be able to move on healthily I have to deal and stop avoiding things I have been through. In order to do this I also have to find away to be able to get them sorted in my mind and process my thoughts and feelings about them all. I believe that this it is vital so I don’t wallow in them.
Shivers I’ve got it bad with not wanting to listen, read or talk about bullshit that doesn’t interest me one little bit. I am so bad today I was out right rude!!! I have got to the point where I hate being trapped with people that are talking bullshit, gossip or stuff that is so trivial I just don’t care. At work today I was chatting to some of my team members trying to be a polite manager and show and interest but after a while I just drifted off. I started walking away from the people and was quite a few steps away when I realized what I was doing and that the people were still following me trying to tell me their trivial bullshit. But even when I realized that I was doing it I didn’t stop and just kept walking. Don’t worry though I walked right into the karma bus and another person that wanted to tell more some more trivial dribble. Rude I am, am I rude, yep I think so, but sorry not sorry and don’t worry, it’s okay I’ll go and sit myself in the corner. While I’m there I’ll think about why I’m like this, maybe it’s my age and I just don’t want to spend anymore of my time on stuff that frankly is nothing to do to me or needs anything from me.
Okay so a bit of a dramatic title but it sort of shows where my mind is heading. I have been thinking, nothing new there I know, but part of my thinking has been about looking after me. This definitely comes under the heading of self care that my therapist is trying to get me to learn and focus on more.
I’m always looking out for others and trying to take care of their needs and wants so I can make them happy. This is a really simple step but for me it is a big one – I have many friends that I support in things that they do and I support pages they have and run on Facebook. Well I try to be a good friend and like and comment on posts etc because Facebook likes it when you do that and it can help to raise the pages rankings with the search engines. But the thing is some of these pages just wind me the hell up with the things they put on there and that don’t align with my own values and beliefs. I think since, nah I know that since I have been sober that my own beliefs and values have grown and gotten stronger. The more I think about it the more I have been supporting other peoples beliefs and morals and not my own. Well I have been going through and either leaving the groups / pages or turning off notifications from them because I don’t want to waste my precious time liking and commenting on things that don’t matter to me or go against my own morals. I have to say that it is so refreshing and actually empowering to of done this. To put my needs ahead of supporting others (what a big fat ego I have they will be fine without little old me) and to do something to protect me and my own mental health feels brilliant.
Might sound silly but I don’t care, it might be a small step to some but to me it is a huge step and I am proud of making it. Look at little sober old me, standing up and stretching while flexing and becoming my own damn hero and protecting myself. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for these people anymore but I want to work on trying to be a people pleaser so much and trying to get people to like me. I want people to like me for just me not for the me that is trying to please them. Maybe it’s time for me to start showing my beliefs, my morals and what I think is worth fighting for in this world. It’s okay to have different causes, shit there is enough of them to go around.