God I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this and I really hope this is just a phase that I’m going through but more and more I find myself thinking what is the point really. I really feel like I’m bobbing around in the ocean just treading water, forever trying to keep my head above water and trying to swim towards a better day but there is an under current that keeps dragging me further and further from the shore. I want to believe that there is sunshine on the horizon and that I’m going to make it but after so long I am tired, so fucken tired and it feels like every so often my head sinks below the water line. Inside there is a spirit in me that wants to fight and kick harder and longer. My mind on the other hand is saying why? You have been doing this for years and you are no closer to that horizon. Sounds super dramatic but it’s just how I’ve been feeling for a while now and think it explains a lot.
I need to find away to come up with some goals and challenges (are they the same thing) in my life but I feel like that part of me is just flat lining. A good example of this is I hate being fat and I know what to do about it and yet I still don’t do anything about it, does that mean that I don’t want it bad enough? Does it mean that I can’t see the point because who am I doing it for really? Am I doing it so society doesn’t judge me, oh maybe so when I go to the doctors they don’t say jump on the scales and then put on my file still obese? I know that I would feel better if I did it but inside my will is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.
I need to figure something out in my mind, I do have so many things to be grateful for like friends, home, my dogs, a job, family etc but I just feel stuck and feel like I’m going to be this way for freakin years to come. When I say that I think of the debt that I carry and how it impacts on everything I do. Being poor sucks, being depressed sucks, having blessings doesn’t suck but it does when I can’t focus on them and be happy. Not even making sense now, I am extremely happy about my blessings in my life but so many parts feel stuck and I am the one with the power to change it but I have to swim harder. Hmmm or do I do I need to relax and let the current take me for a while???
I truly do feel surrounded by the love at the moment and it really is because I let myself be raw and honest and let people see my pain and the overwhelming feeling of desperation. By actually doing this and reaching out to my friends for support I was able to get through a very difficult time with the support I needed rather than trying to face and cope with it all on my own. Although I broke down crying numerous times during the day once I reached out and started to feel the support I also felt my inner strength grow. This is something that I have no experienced before and I have to say it was freakin amazing. The support and love that I have been shown now is incredible and it really does make my heart sing and that feeling just glows out into my whole emotional being. I am certainly not the type that will ever being a needy friend but this weekend aged 51 a really big lesson has been learnt. Do not just support your friends because that makes me feel good BUT also allow them the chance to return the favor so they to can experience the good feelings I get when I help them.
I have never been one that has felt comfortable asking for help and have pretty much always been the one helping. Over the last few weeks I have gone through disasters with sickness and injuries with my dogs and between vets and specialist vets the bills have escalated into the thousands. Of cause with specialists you have to pay before collecting your dog and taking them home so for those thousands I needed to be creative and find ways to pay. As you all know I am already in big debt because of losing the will to live, wanting to give up drinking and frankly depression. So for the specialist bill I managed to increase the limits on two credit cards and just managed to cover the bill. To me my dogs are my world and my boy would of been put down if I hadn’t done it and that simply is not an option. This has added to my financial stress and I still have my own vet bill to pay which is sitting over a thousand as well. If you add to this the three thousand I had previously paid eight weeks ago for leg surgery on two legs and another thousand I needed to pay in advance for my other dogs injectable immunotherapy that keeps her bad allergies under control it has been a hell of a few months. I have had friends offering to contribute towards these bills and I have out right declined saying that it is my bills and I simply couldn’t take their money as I know so many people are struggling due to not being able to work etc with Covid 19 lockdown. People kept messaging me begging to be able to help and the one that finally got through to me said the following –
It’s not all about you though! People want to do it because it makes them feel good and they want to help you and Toby and they want to do it because they love you. Swallow your pride and let them help because they want to. You do so much for others it is not to much to ask to let them give to you for once.
I was a little taken back at first but then I realized that they are right and I really do need the help. I typed and deleted posts about a dozen times before I actually went through with putting up a post saying that I really don’t want to take their money and explained that just the support and love I have been given is more than enough. For those that kept messaging and asking for my bank account I provided it along with the bank account for the vet should they prefer to place some money on that instead. I have been blown away by the response and have sat here crying happy tears at people generosity. But it was not just the ones that gave money that had me crying happy tears but also the wonderful supportive messages along with thanks for everything I had done for them. I had no idea that I had touched so many souls. Oh and one message that I absolutely love is from a lady that is going through similar with her own dog and she thanked me for my daily posts and sharing our story as it made her feel not so alone. She explained that people couldn’t understand how she had just spent the thousands on her dog and that if she hears “but it’s only a dog” one more time she was ready to kill someone so stopped talking about it. Apparently my posts and today messaging me gave her the outlet and relatable experience to help her through and know that someone else out there totally understood what she was going through.
I am so very, very blessed and tonight I am going to bed with both my dogs with a heart over flowing with the love and support I have been given. Lesson learnt, if help is offered and you really do need it accept it. BUT I fully intend to pay it forward to others as soon as I am in a position to do so.
I actually don’t mind being in lock down but in fairness I have had to go to work for most of it so it wasn’t the same as someone living alone not having any human interaction for the majority of the time. But I sort of wish that I had been able to spend the whole month at home and to be honest am quite jealous of the team members who did. But it has all been for a good cause and what had to be done had to be done. I really can’t wait until the full lock down is lifted but not so I can run out and interact with other people, oh hell no. One of the first things I am going to be doing is going for a walk around my tropical gardens that are here in my city. I miss the peace, picturesque, beautiful smells and calm of the whole place. I am wondering what I will find in bloom there by the time I get to visit it again. It also has bush surrounding it and in among the bush there a beautiful spot below some big trees that I love to sit under and just gather myself and inhale the peace. I often just sit there with my eyes closed and just listen to the bird song as I sit there and feel my stress levels drop.
I’m not sure if this will work but here is the soundtrack I chose to listen to while I am there –
Sadly today my Auntie suffered multiple strokes and tonight she is in hospital. She has been fighting bone cancer which she was winning for so long but slowly it has been taking over her body. She has been in hospice care but today after a series of strokes they called the ambulance and she was taken to the closest cities hospital. I live in that city but I might as well be a million miles away as I am not allowed in to be with her. Her husband is to elderly and frail to travel this far and he wouldn’t be allowed in either. With Covid- 19 we are not allowed into the hospital and especially not into ICU. Tonight if she passes away she will be doing it without any of her family with her. I cannot thank the doctors and especially nurses who not only do they need to provide her medical care tonight but if she doesn’t pull through this we are hoping that they can be there with her as she passes over. I guess it would even be okay if she just passed in her sleep but I prefer to think that someone could be holding her hand at least. I hate the thought she is in there in a strange bed, with machines around her and none of us can be with her.
Tonight is a hard night while I sit here in my bubble, one of those moments when you would love to have a friend or partner give you a big hug and tell you it’s gonna be okay.
Sometimes onFacebook you come across something so powerful that you just read it over and over. This one did it for me and I’ve been very open about not being happy about my weight and yet I don’t do anything about it almost like I hold onto it like a blanket. I am sure it has links to my past and a part of not wanting to stand out especially to the other sex. That is all a story for another time for now I hope someone gets something out of this which helps them. I hope the person doesn’t mind me sharing it and here it the link to the original –
An Emotional, Powerful Photo of Two Beautiful Women with the same Body Image Issues – they simply handled their Emotional Baggage differently…
If only our Eyes saw Souls instead of Bodies, what would we actually think as being Beautiful??
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⚠️ I invite YOU to take a moment and read this message carefully ⚠️
I felt a great responsibility to write these few words, as I never had a clue that a post like this would go viral. I know how powerful social media can be, therefore I am very mindful of what I share and post. There is already a lot of negativity and uncertainty going on around us, and all I hoped for – in difficult times like these – was to transmute fear to love; despair to hope, and judgement to compassion – through my words. Not in a million years was I of the intention to trigger past healed issues, or convey any kind of insensitivity towards all those who are still bravely battling day in day out such painful dis-orders and dealing with negative body image issues.
Conversely, I have true admiration for your resilience and strength; for your patience and courage, as I know that recovery is not a linear path. So please, be gentle with yourselves. I see you. I feel you. I am you. You are me. We are all interconnected in love…and you are NOT alone!
And NO…you are NOT weak either! Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is that little voice at the end of your day telling you, “Yes. I will try again tomorrow.”
Some of you might have been even wondering and asking yourselves, how I managed to describe these two women as BEAUTIFUL…
And my answer to you is this, dear human:
“I feel blessed and thankful to be able to find beauty in unusual things and places, and I always look for it wherever I go and walk. Learning to appreciate this universal beauty can improve the quality of our lives, as we are able to look deeper and more meaningfully at people and things in our lives. To me people are beautiful not in looks, not in what they do or say, but just in WHO they are.
In a society, where perfectionism and glamour seem to be highly glorified, all that I hoped for was to convey the message, that outer beauty is inner beauty made visible. It manifests itself in the light that flows from our eyes; the light within our soul. It does not matter if a person is badly dressed or does not conform to our idea of elegance; or is obese, overweight or underweight. The eyes are the mirror of our soul and they reflect everything that seems to be hidden. Just like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them. So if the person looking into someone’s eyes has a dark soul, he will only see his own ugliness.
BEAUTY is present in ALL CREATION. However, since we are often cut off from our inner divine essence, we give away our inner power and allow ourselves to be influenced by what other people think of us. We deny our own beauty and we go astray from our true selves, because others cannot or will not recognise us for who we really are. Instead of accepting and embracing ourselves, we try to imitate what we see around us. We try to be what other people think as “pretty” and “acceptable”; we try to fit in in different boxes, and little by little, our soul fades; our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away. We do not have a Soul. We ARE a SOUL. We have a body.”
I believe that everything around us has beauty, but it seems that not everyone has the eyes to see it, as yet. This is the MESSAGE, which I wanted to convey through my original message.
Please do whatever you can to help others in whatever you are able: attune to them; validate their feelings; listen carefully to what they are saying, and how they make meaning of their lives. Hold them, speak kindly to them, allow them to be who they are and look friendly at them. And before your paths part, may your presence remind them that LOVE is here and is ALIVE…just because of YOU!!!
I thank you and I wish you well. Remember, YOU matter, YOU are worthy and YOU deserve to be loved! 💗💗
Guess it must be a sign of the times and I’m sure I’m not the only one but I am having trouble sleeping. I will fall asleep eventually but the problem is I don’t stay asleep and wake up repeatedly then to top it off I wake up early. What is it, anxiety, stress, emotional, worries or overtired? I wake up wide awake each time and it takes me a while to be able to drift off again but then it only lasts for and hour or two at the most. I do feel sad along with confused over everything that is happening which combined causes over whelming anxiety. I feel like depression is knocking on the door and I keep grasping at any and all the blessings I can find around me but lack of sleep is really not helping.
I say this on behalf of all the people that are currently working for essential services during the lock down, it is freakin exhausting!!! The pressure is on so much all the time that you seriously feel that you are working in a pressure bubble. Because your a part of essential services it’s obviously services that people require right so we are so freakin busy. But it’s not just with people that need us because it’s “essential” it’s people that are stuck at home in their lock down bubbles who suddenly have all this time on their hands. Can I just say that if you have queries and things that can wait to be attended do after the lock down is loaded but you thought you would do them now while you have time anyway, seriously it is NOT a good idea. Not only are we working, often with skeleton teams to reduce the risk of all of our team coming out of their bubbles, long hours and on our days off but we are also stressed because it is in the back of our minds that we are out of our bubbles and putting ourselves at a much higher risk of catching something. If there wasn’t a risk involved then the whole team would be a work! We are struggling to keep up with the work load which is adding to our stress, we are trying to action everything as quickly as we can. We are trying to look after everyone including those that we know could wait. And yet we have to put up with peoples sarcastic comments about how long it has taken us to get to them, how we can’t look after them how they want to even though it would mean that we are breaking the safety rules. We are taking abuse for things that are not our fault at all and this on top of being tired and stressed just makes everything to much. The next day we get up and we get dressed for work and leave our bubble and hope that everyone that needs us is nice but sadly it doesn’t happen. Don’t get me wrong the majority of people are nice and a lot are patient but sadly the way we have been living is that you want something and you want it now, you want instant gratification and at the moment that just is not possible.
Oh dear that’s quite the rant just looking back I better stop as I think you get the picture please be kind. If it’s not urgent, if something CAN’T be done until after lock down is loaded, if your just doing it because you think oh I’ll take care of that now while I have nothing better to do……. please stop and think of the pressure the essential services staff are under and is it really that necessary that you do it right now? If it’s essential then please do and don’t hesitate as we are here to serve if that is the case but if it’s not essential and can wait please don’t tie up the staff so they can get onto the essential people. Stopping now and going to bed for an early night so I can rest my aching body and hopefully get up with a smile and hope that everyone can be nice and kind.
At the moment there is another side to the lockdown that I am enjoying and I haven’t talked about it on here because it feels silly but it is worth sharing. I enjoy and get immense pleasure out of helping others, to make someone else smile, happy, forget for a moment their sadness in turn gives me great joy. I actually spend a lot of time thinking about how can I help someone or make things easier for them. There are some easy things I can do like the following.
Just stay in contact with people even if it’s just once a week send them a message asking how they are and checking in on them. Some of them live on their own and just having someone show that they care means a lot to them. There are even some who have people living in the same house but they are still lonely or the other person thinks their emotions and worries are silly. You don’t always have to agree with them or even say to much just letting them get it out of their mind can make a huge difference.
People who have small businesses are in a lot of pain at the moment because they can’t open to make an income. I have some regular businesses that I use and I have got to know the staff in their and think of them as friends now. I am working my way through giving their businesses raving reviews on places like Facebook and Google. It’s a simple gesture that doesn’t cost me anything but time.
Another thing I have done for private specialist whom sees one of my dogs every 6-9 months and receives a special vile of a special mixture for her allergies is unable to be open during the lockdown except for emergency cases is hurting financially. They still have rent to pay, they still have staff that they are trying to look after by paying them through this month. They also have themselves to support with day to day expenses, mortgages etc. These are good people and people that I trust. I made payment this week in advance for our next visit and vile, it’s around $1000 and I know their bills will be so much more than that but hopefully others might think like that because it all helps.
These are just some of the things I am doing to help others, apart from the last one the things I am doing are not costing me anything but time. With only working part time at the moment I might as well make use of my time to help others right. What are you doing to help others, give me some new ideas ❤