Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.
Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.
Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.
Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.
Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.
Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.
Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.
I watched the new Brene Brown show on Netflix the other day and I love her words of wisdom so much. There was so much that stood out to me and one of the things that she said made so much sense to me. I think we have all been guilty of saying at some time that we couldn’t give a shit what others think and Brene said that this is just not a realistic statement because we are actually hard wired to give a shit. BUT and here is the but we should be selective in who’s opinion we take notice of. This is so true and something I try to focus on. There are a few people who’s opinion really does matter to me and that is my parents (although as I age I do have some opinions on things that doesn’t match with theirs) and my Soul Sisters. Basically it is people who I love and who I know love me and have my best interests at heart. So rather than saying I couldn’t give a shit what others think about me or what I do I think it is nice that I have some people in my life who’s opinions I value enough to give a shit about.
Living life sober, raw and real takes it to a whole new level and it is freakin awesome.
From my last therapy session we discussed self care and love and how I really lack it. Interestingly enough my therapist told my that it is very common that people that have been raised being neglected and have suffered abuse from the people they love and trust they tend to not know how to look after themselves nor how to provide self care.
In my case it is sadly very true, lets not get confused with self care and survival instincts which is exactly what I have been living. I can now see that self care and love is so very important and are skills that I am going to have to nurture and develop. I have taken a step with practicing mindfulness when I can and I don’t know if I am at the I love myself stage but I do know that I like myself a hell of a lot more now that I am not drinking. Hmm maybe I do love myself as I know that I am a good person, I have so much kindness, love, compassion and empathy to give oh shit I just swung back around to giving to others and not myself. Hmmm seems that I have a some work to do here.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me and I am so glad that I am living it now.
Okay that is not a photo of my Mother and I in fact now that I think about it I don’t know of any photos of us both together apart from at my brothers wedding oh and one family portrait. But anyway as part of the therapy session on Friday my relationship with my Mother came up and the therapist asked me just where is my thinking at now with her. If you are interested in the session where we discussed my mother here is the link – https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com/2019/03/02/therapy-session-2-2/
I will always be hurt that my mother and I never bonded but I do know that she loved me in her own way and I will always love her. The way I feel about her is that it was not her fault that she had a break down after I was born, she was probably going through it even before I was born. She was obviously not in a healthy mental state and I blame poor mental health for the way she coped with me as a baby and that there has never been a bond formed. Sadly none of us are born with a handbook and I am sure that under the circumstances she did the best that she was capable of doing. She is not a bad person and due to her own upbringing along with her mental and physical health I know that she was not in a position raise me. I am sure there is guilt there not only from her but from my father and sadly that wall has never been smashed down to build a bridge with the bricks left over.
What happened with the abandonment and lack of nurturing will always remain with me and it is a part of me. Interestingly the therapist told me that the lack of nurturing has a huge impact on the level of self care we are able to provide ourselves. Self care is something that I seriously struggle with and have to consciously make sure I do my best to give myself the care I need. The abandonment and lack of nurturing has certainly affected me and any relationships I have in my life now. If they are serious relationships, and I’m not talking sexual here, then this is something I think I will have to work through each time in order to trust and let people in. But I am now, thanks to the therapy, able to identify what I am doing and why and stop beating myself up and understand what is happening.
I accept what has happened and understand, it is part of what has made me who I am today. I will never have the close bond that I desire and you know what that’s sad but it is okay as well.
Living life sober, raw & real has given me the gift of getting to know the real me and for that I will be forever grateful.
Today I went to another therapy session and it might be my last for a while but I will explain that when I have more time. But today something was said to me that I was blown away to hear by my therapist. The reason I was blown away is that while growing up I was always told that I was not the smart one but they were proud of how hard I worked to try. I was repeatedly told that I was a slow learner and that they were proud that I worked so hard all the time studying trying to understand or catch up. Your brother was so fortunate he got the brains like your mother and you well you try. There was always a back hand followed by a tap on the head, it was like your not good enough but lets throw her some encouragement to keep trying. It always left me busting my arse trying to do better and be better but most of all it left me feeling like a fucken idiot with a below level intelligence. What’s the saying if you judge a fishes intelligence by it’s ability to climb a tree……. oh here it is.
But today my therapist told me that I am so full of wisdom and so intelligent and such a quick learner. I seriously sat there looking at her thinking April Fools was over a few days ago lady. But she was serious and when I realized that I could of cried. She went on to say that what a pleasure I was to work with and that I had actually taught her a few things. She loved my way of looking at things and how my thought process worked.
I’m 100% sure most of you know just how crippling it is to be raised repeatedly being told that you aren’t this or that and pity your weren’t more of this or that. You grow up with the self esteem that is smaller than a pecan nut (trying to think of the smallest nut here lol) and you truly believe it because they are the adults / parents, shit they would know. They even have something to compare you with so they would know the difference. Here’s the thing just because someone is family doesn’t make them right. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to believe them. I am now over 50 years old and guess what apparently I have an amazing calming nature and I am very wise. I am also very smart and intelligent and those things have been recognized by someone and today they were acknowledged and that felt fucken amazing.
Living life sober, raw and real is really the only way I want to live the rest of my life and I have the power to do exactly that. That makes me very happy and I am not going to let anyone take that power from me because I am wise, smart and intelligent!