I am so freakin sensitive and emotional, I have always, always felt things very deeply and I have always had the ability (hmmm not sure if that is the right word) to feel others pain deeply. I don’t know if at the moment the fact that I am menopausal as well is increasing it but pretty bloody sure it would. I feel sorry for my friends some times but I think I am pretty good at hiding it. I hurt so easily and even have to tell myself to stop being stupid in relation to often taking things that the say or do the wrong way. I think I need to wrap myself in fragile tape or something.
I used to push everyone away and not let people in but now that I have let people in I LOVE them so much!! But letting people into your life isn’t always easy as I have insecurities because of my past. I’m pretty sure we all have things that we are insecure about but there are one’s that I have that can have an impact on my friendships. I have shared on here parts of my upbringing and the fact that I was the forgotten child which got apologized for later in life. While that part of my upbringing has left me with the insecurity of needing to know that I am loved by people that I love. I’m not talking about people that I just call acquaintances or just your run of the mill friends, I talking about the deep meaningful friends that you share everything with and are totally open to them Soul Sister type friends. At first I did a fucked up thing and panicked as one of these friendships was pretty new and tried to push them away again. It was pathetic and I bet myself up so badly for it I was a wreck, I was so pissed with myself for doing it. Funny enough she forgave me straight away and moved on but I couldn’t and stayed stuck for days. Anyway now I am going through a period of needing to know that I am loved and valued as a friend. I also have this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying they are too good for you they are going to get sick of your insecurities and drift away. It is all a huge mind fuck that I put myself through.
Once again I have to keep over riding my Crazy Cracker Mind (CCM) from these irrational thoughts. Letting these thoughts get out of control could have the exact outcome that I am letting CCM tell me, absolute fucken madness. I keep trying to tell myself I am a bloody nice person and I might not be pretty or super smart but I am worthy. I also keep telling myself that these amazing ladies are so fucken awesome and they are really caring and smart people. I don’t believe they would of become my friends just to walk away now. Incase your wondering YES I will be getting professional help for all of this and I am on a waiting list with a therapist. This all sounds like crazy arse talk and I’m really hoping that at least one person (not that I want anyone to feel like this) says hey me too!!! just so I don’t feel like such a reject.
Oh on the subject of therapist I was checking out a life coach as well but after being honest with her she has advised me to do therapy first and to work through my pain and issues then come back to work with her.
All of this thinking (yep even the CCM part) and realizing that it is a problem that I need help with is all noticeable to ME now and only because I am sober. I am no longing living under a bullshit cloud / haze of alcohol, I am not numbing out the bad along with the good (there is still plenty of good) I am feeling and dealing with it all raw and real and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Releasing things on here that have been trapped inside my mind for so, so long really has helped me. In doing so it often makes for an uncomfortable period of time afterwards as I process and sort out ways to deal with what has been released. Some things I haven’t found ways to deal with yet but I am sure I will find a way to life with them and just realize that they are a part of my history and part of what has made me the person I am today.
Something I like is when any of you comment and often give me your thoughts or experiences along with wisdom on my posts. I have often had an ah ha moment and sat here nodding as I read your comment. Some times when you are the one living it you get blind to the obvious. Often you are betting yourself up over something and then someone says something that makes you realize that you have really been carrying the weight on your shoulders when you don’t deserve to and the weight lifts.
For anyone thinking that blogging might be something they would like to try or that it might help you in your journey (no matter what the journey) just give it a try. You have absolutely nothing to lose and you might find some support and kind words like I have. As well as telling your story might help you there is a good chance it may help a total stranger out there as well. My way of looking at it with mine is I am getting support and friends on here that I love having contact with and help me process things. But the best thing I like is while working on myself I have found that it is actually helping many of you as well. I am an alcoholic, rape survivor, forgotten child hmmmm what else have I exposed on here??? But more importantly these things have happened, I can’t change that but I can change my thinking on them. To know that those shitty things in my past have now given me the ability and knowledge that helps others on here really feels great, something positive out of the darkness.
Sober life is the life for me, living it raw & real, feeling it all and actually having the desire to build a plan for the future has to be one of the greatest feelings after living a life trapped in a cloudy alcohol fused body.
One thing I always try to do on here is share the good days and the bad. I don’t want people to think that I trot around on a unicorn and shit rainbows everywhere because that just doesn’t happen. The good days are far out weighing the bad days and I have to learn how to deal with ALL emotions without them being numbed and some suck.
First off one of my volunteers is seriously over weight to the point that she is unable to hold down a normal job. Another one of my volunteers is a personal trainer and I thought hmm what about we see if we can do a team challenge with some of them for weight loss. I was up for it cause I’m fat as and need to lose some as well and thought if enough of us do it then she will find the support good. Anyway I was thinking we would just do our own things and see how we go. Ummm no we had to provide all measurements and weight etc. The first blow of the day came from this, seriously I knew I was fat but to be told that I have 16kg’s to lose hurt like a bitch. Talk about a wave of memories of being called the fat kid, pity your the chubby kid, pity your brother is so slim it should really be the girl that is slim blah blah blah. My self esteem went crashing down.
After I sat around feeling like shit I thought okay I can do this and cranked up the X-Trainer only to find out that it’s faulty atm and needs a part replaced if what my searches found out. I have emailed the technical support for this brand asking about the problem and if there is a local service agent since it is out of warranty. Sat there thinking oh fuck me I wonder how much it’s going to cost to get it fixed since I don’t have spare money so depending on the outcome of that it might have to stay broken. Okay so now I am feeling fat and broke.
Already feeling blue I notice a friend online and think yah this will help cheer me up. This is the friend I talked about that went away overseas and I was thinking it was going to be for a long time but only ended up being for a few weeks. I asked her when she was coming back and it’s going to be in a matter of days!!! Woop, Woop yep happy mood back on for a few minutes and then she told me that they will be off again in a few months and they might be back for a little period at the end of 2019 otherwise not until 2020. Boom my heart shattered into 1000 pieces. I fucken hate how I react when I find out she is not going to be living over here. I love her so much (like a Soul Sister) and she really has been the most understanding and supportive person I have ever meet. I have felt closer to her in the last few months than I have anyone else. I SHOULD be happy for her that things are going so well for her and her husband. I should be grateful for what time I have had with her. Instead I get all upset to the point of tears because I don’t want her to leave. When she is here if I really need her I can make contact and even make a plan to go and see her. While overseas I can’t just go for a drive and see her. We are on different time zones with her being 16 hours behind me and with work commitments for both of us and social commitments for her it can be real hard to catch up in real time. Also just over messenger I really try to keep things brief (hahhaa I’m not that good at it but tend to just cut out things). Also it’s normally evenings when I become free to chat and by that time she has long gone to bed. This is a powerful friendship for me and I love it but this side of it is proving challenging. I really don’t feel that things are shared the same when you just have a 5 minute chat here. You basically cut it down to how are you, how was your day and then it drifts off. So now I am feeling fat, broke and lonely and MISSING my friend.
I have to find positives in this and climb my way out of this sad sack hole. Maybe hey I can work on loosing the weight, staying home and not traveling to see friends means I can focus more on paying off the debt, I do get to see my friend when she comes home this time for a visit and if it wasn’t for her current life style we probably wouldn’t of ever meet. I fucken hate feeling like this, I feel like that girl up the top walking along dragging my teddy with a quivering bottom lip.
I am glad that I am living my life sober, raw and real. I could numb this all with alcohol but in the morning none of the above would of changed and I would have a hangover from hell after not drinking for so long. AND I would hate myself for drinking, fucken hate myself.
It’s time we had a little talk, I’ve been wanting to for such a long time but you have always been so distant. As soon as someone came along that could of been good for you I have watched with sadness as you have struggled. I have seen you wanting so desperately to let them in, and you have come close but you reach a point were you get scared. I understand your fear, the fear of getting hurt again, the fear of rejection, the fear of feeling more inadequate than you already do, the fear of just not being good enough, the fear of people figuring out that your stupid, the fear of people being embarrassed to be seen with you. See I know you have all these fears and more because I am you but I also know of your longing for the people you love to in turn love you for you.
I was there as well you know?? Your wondering where, I can tell. I was there when you were told repeated times that your not the smart one of the family. I was there when you were told repeated times that you take after the fat side of the family. I was there when you where told that because you weren’t smart you always hard to work so much harder than anyone else to progress in school. (Not sure, what do you reckon was that a back handed compliment. We’ll take it that way ah that you were a hard worker, fuck em). I was there when you were told that you were a disappointment as a daughter because you were such a tom boy. I witnessed you trying so desperately to be loved for just being you, to be good enough, to really just be enough.
I am also here now and I am you and I think it’s time we learnt to love and accept ourselves for who we are. Everyone has insecurities of one form or another. It’s really sad that the people that told us the above didn’t have the ability to see the harm that it would have for decades not just while they were saying it. Guess what we might not be the prettiest, so what if we are chubby, so what if we don’t fit in with a crowd and if people can’t accept you for who you are these really aren’t your people. We’ve gotta stop worrying about what other people think and start thinking about what do we need to do to make us happy. If you are worried about what your friends think of the way you dress, the fact your not smart enough or that they are going to reject you for being you then they probably aren’t that nicer people. But here’s the thing I know that the few chosen friends, our soul sisters, our tribe, that we love now aren’t like that or we would never of become their friends in the first place. Let’s give ourselves a break and lets start talking to ourselves with love like we do to the people that we do love. We sure as hell wouldn’t talk to our friends how we talk to ourselves! We are smart, funny, caring, hard working and lovable so lets start acting like it for 2019.
I am so grateful for the gift I have given myself of living life sober. If I was still numbing myself with alcohol I would not of realized just how badly I devalue myself and just how harsh I am on myself. I know it has to do with my self esteem having the shit kicked out of it by numerous people. But NOW it is up to me to change that and to value myself like I deserve.
Happy New Year Everyone. What will you be doing for yourself in 2019?
I am cheating a bit with my posting today as I’m not well so sharing this poem I came across. I identified with this so much because it is only in this year that I have started to feel a bit better about myself. I know that I am a good person and that I have so much empathy in me but I have not always felt like this. I have had shocking self worth, or total lack of, which has been because of the way others treated me, spoke to me and raised me. Now I am taking responsibility for me and realize that beauty is not all about looks. True beauty is so much more about the personality and nature of a person. I hope this poem helps some of you as well ❤ I read so many posts on here and I find myself thinking there is a beautiful person trapped inside the writer of that blog. I think something I read the other day needs to be practiced by all of us, it’s not easy I know but start pulling yourself up when you speak to yourself in a negative way. This was what it was – ” Speak to yourself like you would or do someone that you love”. Food for thought right?
Living life sober and fucken loving it! P.S. I just love the image above it has nothing to do with Pretty or Ugly more that beauty is on the inside no matter who or what you are ❤
I do a LOT of thinking and one of the things I have been thinking about lately is ME. I would say my posts are all about ME but one thing I am finding with being sober is that I am finally starting to find the real ME. Growing up I was always being and behaving how I thought everyone wanted me to manly in an attempt to have my parents love me. When I left home at 16 I then turned to being and behaving how I thought my partner wanted me to be. Once again I was trying so hard to be everything he wanted in an attempt to have him love me more. Once we broke up I was already drinking like a fish and I was so lost there was no way the real me could even come to the surface. I was struggling to breath and function with work and living that I was simply going through the motions. But this time around sober is different, I am starting to find ME. I’m not the easiest person to love because of my emotional baggage that even I find frustrating but it is all me. I am living life honest with the ones that really do matter to me. When I have insecurities they show and I am hoping that those people love me enough to stick around and help me work through these and reassure me that it’s really okay. I talk to myself a LOT in my head when my inner voice starts screwing with emotions and feelings and very slowly I am making progress.
It’s an exciting, raw and real and often painful at times but oh so, so worth it journey being sober. In order to feel the good I have to also feel the bad, sad and confused. If I turn myself off to those feelings it is impossible to feel love, happy & content. I’m looking forward to getting to know ME even more, the real me, not the wanting to please and desperate for love ME.
Last night I talked about some of the shame I carried while I was a drinker but tonight I want to talk about the pride I feel being sober. I really do have so much more respect for myself now I am no longer carrying the weight of my dirty little secret and no longer suffer the shame of trying to hide it. I am living life sober and I am fucken proud of that, I don’t openly go around telling people hey guess what I’m sober now. In fact I haven’t even discussed it with my family, but that is no big surprise. Some of my friends know but if the others were to ask me about why I’m not drinking I would openly tell them. My boss knows but that is as far as it goes at work, no one else knows. It’s not even that I am ashamed of it because I’m not it’s just that I don’t see the point. You really don’t need to tell everyone everything about yourself that is just stupid. Any way off on a tangent there, hmm obviously matters more to me than I realized. Let me try starting this again.
I feel as though I am slowly but surely rising from the ashes and I am respecting myself for doing it. I think I have a healthier respect for myself in many ways and I am liking how I am a more reliable person. I used to say I would turn up to things or I’ll see I might come etc but then I would bail out. First off my anxiety would be off the scale at the thought of going out and being with people but I couldn’t chug, chug my way through the bottles there. Of cause you can have a couple but you don’t really want people noticing how much you are drinking. “Oh hey anyone want another, oh shit look around and they weren’t even 1/2 way through.” So instead you just wouldn’t go and you would stay at home were you could comfortably drink the night away. I think I am saying you here simply because I am not that person anymore, I actually identify with my previous self as another person, well isn’t that insightful of me. Shit sorry I’m all over the place tonight, seem to be suffering them good old brain farts were I just can’t keep the focus.
Previously if one of the dogs got sick after say 6.30 – 7 pm there is no way I could of legally driven them to the vet. Oh shit I don’t know if I shared with you previously my Dad had a heart attack and I drove him to the hospital after many Vodka’s. This was through winding country roads into the city and not only that I had to drive it again to go home and pick up his meds for the doctor then back to the hospital with them and at the end of the night home again. How the fuck did I manage that, I really have no idea, there is another very shameful moment from my drinking days. Now should a family member or friend need me I can safely say I will be able to drive 100% sober so that is another huge point for being reliable now.
My main point of tonight’s ramble is that I am proud of myself for fighting this bitch and by doing so I have a level of self respect that I never, ever had before. Living life sober fucken rocks.