Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.
At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).
Work is practically stressful and busy with it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.
Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.
I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.
Take care, hang in their with me.
Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.
Man I am being given some awesome support on here from you beautiful people, thank you so much. We can walk this journey together and if I can help any of you just holla.
Now I do want to point something out to you as some of you super duper people have commented or messaged me that you are only up to day X of being sober this time around. This is not my first time of trying to get off the crazy alcohol powered train!! There have been numerous attempts and even though I am at day 12 now I give total respect to those of you that are up to day 1, 2 , 3 ——– 50000 where ever you are at I salute you. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS and the fact that you are trying is AWESOME.
I am not the most intelligent person but I am very smart and pretty quick at thinking on my feet. I am also holding down a good job in a Mangament position and work very hard BUT I find the fact that alcohol has such strength over my mind and body frustrating as hell. It has damaged my spirit, self esteem, health, motivation and in return it has given me depression, low self esteem, being over weight etc I think you get the picture and there are many more things I could add to this list.
Shit sorry my mind is wandering again now and I am having trouble staying focused on this topic (people tell me this will pass). My main point of this post is to say you are all beautiful, please feel free to comment anytime and never ever be shy to say I am only at day 1, 2, 3—-50000 whatever or that oh shit I fell off the bus last night this is not a blog made for judging each other but for helping. It is here for people to be honest and themselves, swear if you want your not out in the public mall and have to be careful with what language you use and as far as I know there are no children following this.
Be strong people and help each other.
Oh and just to finish off my moan this morning I thought I would be smart this morning and complete my grocery shopping online instead of going to the supermarket and being tempted into the alcohol aisle. Well Fuck Me if when I tried to go to check out it came up with beautiful pictures of items I might of forgotten to add to my trolley. Boom, there it is my beautiful, calming, relaxing, reward myself at the end of the day, yummy Speights Apple Cider, shit I even have to admit that I hesitated for a couple of seconds (it is my weekend coming up after all, time to relax, unwind, chill and reward myself for all my hard work). Well I closed that laptop down, shopping not even completed through to checkout stage, damn it! This is where I got up and went to the bathroom and told the mirror “Fuck You Alcohol No More”.