Tag Archives: Depression

It’s Been A Hard Week

I have been MIA for the week as I have had a bad week and have been angry,  sad and trying to stay busy because I am also feeling vulnerable and have a shitty attitude of what is the point of not drinking.

Last Friday I went through the normal afternoon crazy train mind fuck of I WANT A DRINK, NO I DON’T, YES I DO I REALLY REALLY DO BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway when I left work I walked out to my car and went to unlock the door and noticed that it had a huge dent in it. Instant thought was WTF!!!! I went to unlock it to put my gear in and found that it wasn’t locked. Once I had the door open I noticed the dash was damaged the steering column was all smashed and the ignition was dangling with many copper colored wires hanging down from it.  Upon further inspection I found that the rear triangle smashed. The tow truck driver explained to me that who ever tried to steal it was an amateur because there is a auto cut-out for the engine if you don’t have the key in the ignition. Now a week later and many sleepless nights I am still waiting to see if my car is going to be written off or repaired. One or two bits of the damage would of got it repaired but add the kicked in door as well the price is climbing up there.

As I have explained before I let myself get into financial shit. My car is really not worth a great deal at all to anyone but myself. If they write it off by the time my excess comes off I will come out with bugger all and I would only be able to purchase a heap of unreliable shit. If they agree to repair I am happy to have my old car back as it has had some major work on the motor and new tyres at the end of last year so I at least know it should be reliable and a good little basic car. I have been losing a lot of sleep just worrying about it all and even if they do repair it I have to find the $400 excess which for me will mean other bills don’t get paid.

The oddest thing is I have gone from being angry with the person to thinking I don’t know what their circumstances are nor what their upbringing was so I have an odd mixture of wanting to punch them in the face OR ask them those questions first before deciding if they are an arsehole or not and maybe still punching them in the face. Not really because I am not a violent person but you get what I mean.

Anyway here we are back at Fucken Friday afternoon.

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The Alcoholic Mind Is So Powerful

Well I am going to be celebrating my first year sober this month and I highlighted those two parts because there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I will make the date and there is also no doubt in my mind that this first year won’t be my only year sober. There is something that I want to share with anyone out there starting on their own sober journey or even thinking about starting on one. There are going to be good days and there are also going to be some totally shitty days both of which will pass. Please I am no expert and have not studied on this subject nor have I ever attended a single AA meeting so what I offer here is just my own personal experience in the hope that it might help someone make it through those shitty days. This is nothing more than sharing what I experienced in the hope that if they are going through some of the journey I went traveled it’s okay it is normal and you will survive.

Addiction is an incredibly powerful beast and it tapped into my brain and caused some of the biggest battles I have ever had to fight in my life. It had me ready to take my own life, it had me with so much self loath, self pity, worthlessness and helpless all at once. It was exhausting fighting my own voices in my head there was a constant battle going on in my head and it was forever trying to wear me down while another part of me was trying to fight back and keep going. I realize now that it was my addicted brain talking and trying it’s hardest to get me to give in and say “fuck it” and give in to it. It was not a rational thinking and it wanted me to either take my life or turn off the voices by drinking myself in to a numb state that I couldn’t feel that way anymore. Problem with the second option is that I would of had to wake up and face that I had given up my sober journey and that would of just fueled the self hate I had in me. It took me a while to work out that my brain wasn’t crazy as such but that it was the power of my addicted mind that was trying to take control. My message is KEEP GOING you have the power in your own mind to take on this demon because it is your mind that is fighting on both sides. The longer you can hold on the stronger you will become against the arsehole. If you are experiencing any of what I have just described its okay you are not crazy and you are not alone. If you need help please go and get some. If I can help I am more than happy to have you reach out to me here please just let me know, if I can use my experience to make someone else’s journey easier I am fine with that.

Do I still have times when I would love a drink? Hell yes! Do I want to drink ever again? Hell no! What is the difference? I loved the buzz that drinking brought me, I loved that it helped to switch my over active mind off and just numb itself, I loved the fact that I was more socially accepted while I was drinking. BUT I don’t want to drink again because I don’t ever want to have to fight that demon again, I would be so upset I don’t know if I would make it back again, if people need me to drink to make me more socially acceptable (I think that it makes them feel more comfortable about their own drinking to be honest). As for the numbing and the buzz I haven’t found anything to replace those yet and I do miss them but I am hoping given more time and maybe some counseling I can settle some demons and not need to numb them out anymore. STAY STRONG guys and gals you can do this, if anyone tells you giving up an addiction is easy I wonder just what level their addiction was at in the first place.

 

Found this one is drafts, goodness knows how I missed publishing can’t even blame being drunk lol. But it is still part of my journey so publishing now.

It’s Been Way To Long Since I Posted Here

Just wanted to give you all a quick catch up I am STILL sober and will stay that way. I still suffer from bouts of depression but am now aware enough to realize that I would be feeling this way with or without alcohol. But the depression cloud does not hang over me so heavy when I no longer have to work through hangovers. I enjoy just living in the moment as much as it was great to numb things that I wasn’t enjoying in my life it is easier to deal with them and move on without the alcohol. Booze certainly numbed it but guess what the problem was still there it didn’t go away I still had to deal with it and now I can move on quicker.

For those of you that are just starting a sober journey I wish you the best of luck and my advice for you is do what feels right for you in your sober journey. If AA is for you do it, if AA doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. If the book or if you are in a country with meetings Rational Recovery works for you then do it, if Rational Recovery doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. I could go on with all the different things that have worked for different people and I think you are seeing the key here DO WHAT IS GOING TO WORK FOR YOU!!! But do try things and keep trying until you do find the right thing for you. If you follow these sober blogs on here do encourage each other as it can be extremely lonely world being sober on your own when you are used to a world of drinking.

Well I have enjoyed posting this and sharing my wisdom (for what it was worth) with you all. I really, really hope it helps someone, anyone or even everybody that takes time to read this. Don’t give up, do believe in yourself and if you trip and fall (do use what ever you are addicted to) please pick yourself up and start again until you succeed.

One thing I do want to do is to thank the people on here that I either followed, had follow me, commented on my posts, shared my posts and encouraged me. You have all made a huge difference in my life and I don’t think I would of survived some of the darkest moments without you all xxxxxx – Love, Peace and Energy to You with the biggest hug of thanks I can send.

Why do we all talk so much and forget to listen?

I am surrounded by people that I know love me but at the same time I am getting so damn frustrated and angry at them. I really feel the need for a friend that will just sit down and listen. I don’t need anything more than that but to just have someone listen and hear what I need to say. I need a really good girlfriend night where what we do is sit and and bitch and moan about things in our life’s that are pissing us off right now. Then we can both sit there and go “I know right” to everything we both say. I am a really good listener and have always been the friend that people come do when they feel the need to just talk and be listened too. At the moment I just need someone to take the time to listen to me and hear my struggles. Then I would love them to say “hang in there buddy this is just a bad patch and it won’t be long and you will look back and say whew I made it and things are so much better”. But no one is listening, when did it become such a rarity to stop and listen, really listen not listen while thinking about something else, not listen to the start and then cut the person off while you decide that your story needs to be told instead.

I realized that I would feel better if I reached out to a friend and just let it all out but it just isn’t working for me. I am not the sort of person that opens up to people and pours my heart out but at the moment I feel the strong need for some support. I asked 2 friends to come out to dinner and when I was asked how things where going I started to tell them and was cut off by one of the friends telling my about how she was experiencing something similar with her daughter and proceeded to go off on a 20 minute rant about it. I sat there almost in tears because it hurt and felt like what I had to say really didn’t matter. I have another friend who I have always been there for and when she is going through shit I always message her to see that she is okay and check in on her often. I ran into her the other day and she asked how things where going so I filled her in briefly on what was happening. I would of thought that this friend would of taken the time to message a couple of days later to see how things where going but a month later nothing. This one makes me feel that the friendship wasn’t as important to her as it was to me. I tried briefly at work to talk to some friends / colleges to once again be cut off as one of them went on a roll telling us all about an experience she had with her son.

Why do we do this to people? This makes me sound like a big moaner that people are sick of listening to but I can assure you that I don’t share things with people I normally as a rule keep it to myself. At the moment is a very rough patch and I feel like if I could find a shoulder to cry on I could get up shake myself off and find the strength to move on. Instead I have been left feeling flat and unloved and like I don’t matter.

Living with an addict is hard

Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.

My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.

I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.

How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment?  I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.

Still sober and I’m super happy about that.

Well my brother has been living with me coming up a month now and I thought it would be really hard to have him around with his drinking. What I didn’t count on was his drinking and his smoking dope around me also. But you know what I was worried that it would make me want to drink and that I would fold and end up joining him every night for a drinking session. Instead I am super happy to say that it has actually driven my in the opposite direction.

On his first night here I brought himself a box of beer and brought me a box of cider. I am not going to lie OMG I could of sat down and drunk the whole box, talk about making your mouth water. I almost felt dizzy with the desire to crack open that first bottle. But I didn’t instead I told him that I am happy on my no drinking buzz at the moment and that I really didn’t feel like drinking right now. He was disappointed that I wouldn’t be joining him but did not push the issue. Now most nights I still look at him drinking and my damn mouth still waters lol.

But the fact that I see him drinking and smoking every night also has me thinking that I don’t want to go back to spending my nights like that anymore. I volunteer for a Facebook page that posts Lost and Found pets in the hope that we can find their owners, if I was drinking I would not be able to focus on it as well as I do. There is also another thing that stops me from reaching for the bottle and that is what I have had to go through to get to where I am now. I have experienced some of the lowest lows to the point that I did not have the energy to fight the shitty head game that comes with this addiction. I openly told a friend that I just wanted to end it all and I was serious. I didn’t want to have to keep living a life where I was having a battle in my head repeatedly everyday with one voice screaming have a drink and the other voice yelling back shut the fuck up. It was exhausting mentally and physically and I just didn’t have the energy to keep going fighting it anymore and the only way I could see myself at peace was to be dead. I can see now that drinking is what got me to that point, OMG it is so powerful how it plays tricks on your mind with your own mind. It is horrible to be full on in battle with yourself all the time, talk about feeling like a mental headcase. I never want to go back to being that low again and I can see clearly enough now to realize that if I started drinking again either that would end up killing me as my weight once again rises and my blood pressure builds up to off the charts. Mentally I would be disgusted with myself and the self loath would be huge. Even if I was able to stop again I don’t know if with the new layer of personal loathing that I would be able to deal with another more powerful round of self loathing and not kill myself this time round. I am just not prepared to let myself slip back into that bullshit again.

For anyone that is going anything that sounds remotely like the above my heart goes out to you. Please hold on the ride is shit but there really is better on the other side of it. I have now been sober for 8 months and are in a much better head space and physically my body and health are doing so much better. As I was walking my dogs early in the morning on my weekend I realized how much I love the calm of early mornings. It is like the rest of the neighborhood are still sleeping but I am out there with my two best buddies in the beautiful morning air and I feel amazingly calm and refreshed from a good sleep. I used to have crap sleeps when I was drinking with waking up through out the night and often struggling to go back to sleep until about 1/2 an hour before get up time. It was rubbish this is such a better way to start my day and I would of never of enjoyed such bliss while I was still drinking. There are so many simple things like this that make my life so much better that I just wouldn’t have had I still been drinking.

Sorry I hope this ramble to clear a bit of space in my head all makes sense as I don’t have time to proof read it tonight. But I really want to reinforce if you are suffering depression and having suicidal thoughts you are robbing yourself the chance of so many beautiful things that you are going to find as you recover. Hang in there and give me a holla I know what you are going through, I know it is fucken hard and that it feels like no one understands where you are at. You are not alone there are so many of us out here that are willing to offer you words of encouragement. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.

183 Days Sober and a few things I have learnt along the way.

I first saw the above image while at the gym and thought how true is that. If we are not happy where we are, with what we are doing, if we want to change we get a second chance every second of every day. I was so unhappy when I was drinking in the end. It was a habit and one that consumed me. I couldn’t wait to get home in the evenings and relax and unwind with my box of cider. I couldn’t really afford to drink to the excess that I did so would often purchase it by using a shop charge card. I was unwell in my mind and my body. I suffered from depression and at night would be consumed with thoughts that I would over analyze and would let minor things develop into full blown major things (in my head) that would also depress me more and had me so negative I don’t know how I survived. My body was obese, my blood pressure extreme and I won’t even go into my digestive system and how I have abused that over the 20 years I was drinking. I knew I had to change and sometimes I would scare the shit out of myself thinking I would probably die today when I knew that my blood pressure was off the chart from my drinking the night before.

I was miserable and thought that coming home and drinking myself numb each night would block that out. I don’t know why but after years of this and abusing myself something just went off in my brain and I realized that I was not getting anywhere in fact I was just heading to an early grave and things could never get better from there. I knew that I had to stop and correct myself because I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I have had shitty things happen in my life and there are still things that I don’t know how to deal with BUT I am the only one that could change the direction of my life and make it a more enjoyable life to be living. The major changes I have made so far is I have been sober for 183 days now and believe me every second of that counts. I still have moments often where I really, really REALLY want to drink. I have lost a lot of the excess weight through not drinking AND by joining a gym. I LOVE weight lifting and I LOVE cardio and the feeling of having a much healthier body is amazing. Every time I have thoughts that I really want to drink I stop myself by thinking I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I just don’t want to start back at day one, hour one, it is just to hard. I often wonder if I can just buy a 6 pack and just give myself one night with that nice buzz going on. But then I think about the fact if I give myself permission to do that I will give myself permission again and again until I am right back where I started. I am also happy waking up and not feeling like crap with the dry horrors, furry tongue, headache and most times a bad tummy. I want a drink but not as much as I don’t ever want to feel like that because I have drunk again.

Now for a few things I have learnt along the way that has worked for me, please remember everyone’s journey is different and I am not saying hey do this it will help you but it might help you.

Vitamins – I now take vitamin C, B, Multivitamin and Magnesium Complex every day.

Listening to Self Help Pod Casts and Reading Self Help Books – really didn’t help me at all and instead made me over analyze things that had happened in my past and dwell on them way to much. I do not want to give negative things in my past anymore of my time, they are history I can not change them but I have learnt from them and that’s it. Slamming the door on them.

Exercise does help – I love the gym but I find even something as simple as going for a walk is so good for the soul and the body.

Blogging – An amazing tool that helps you get the stuff that is rattling around in your brain out. It is amazing how somethings are just better out and written down. By blogging somewhere like here you can find an amazing support group of people that are dealing with the same sort of shit everyday.

My mind wanders all over the place and has trouble staying focused on anything for a long period of time. Guess what this is normal for people with addictions. Even now my mind is still all over the place but I would say that it is improving and I can focus more at work.

Being Uncomfortable – If things make you uncomfortable e.g. our work Xmas party, I just don’t do them. Not this year maybe next year when I am stronger. How ever I did enjoy arriving to work the next day and seeing the sorry state of some of the party goers, sadistic? maybe 🙂

Sleep – sleep is good. I have been abusing my body for so long that no wonder it is exhausted. Now I am making it exercise and not giving it the poison it has run on for the last 20 years. It deserves a break and resting is not always being lazy it is giving it a break and letting it recharge.

Your mind will come up with some really good arguments as to why you should have a drink. Once again remember it has been working with alcohol or drugs fueling it. It is going to take a while for it to settle down and learn what the new normal is.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down all the time. I find myself calling myself a dumbarse often now I pull myself up for that.

No matter who you are or what you have done so far in your life remember ‘You decide every moment of every day: Who you are & What you believe in. You get a second chance, every second.” If you don’t like it, change it for yourself.