It took a lot of hurt to reach this level with some of my past and it is one way that I have survived. Everything has a lesson even if it’s to show you that you are stronger than you think.
Okay here we go, let’s start to rise and shine, pick up your sorry arse and face this head on.
That is me talking to myself and that’s it I’ve had enough but probably not enough like you are thinking. I have had enough of thinking that suffering from depression and anxiety is something to be ashamed of. I had convinced myself that it was because of my drinking that I used to get so deep into depression and lose myself. I convinced myself that I suffered from anxiety because of the drinking and because my self esteem was so low that I was not worthy of anything. I convinced myself that I was not even worthy of being in this world and that it would be better off without me. Guess what in less than a month I will be two years sober this time around and I still suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety. Although drinking certainly would not of helped and in fact it would of pushed me further into the black dog it wasn’t responsible for me having it in the first place.
My family have a history of “problem” drinking AKA alcoholics, my family has a history of mental illness, guess what the apple didn’t fall far from the tree with this girl. The thing is though my family would all hide their illness and addiction from the world and each other like it was something to be ashamed of and that has been how I have viewed it until now. I’m not ashamed that I am an Alcoholic, hell I’m not ashamed that I suffer from depression and anxiety and that I can be cruising along all happiness, unicorns shitty rainbow cupcakes, everything is fantastic with the world and then the next day everything just overwhelms me and I spiral out of control into the darkest places. Not only do I have a family history of these things but looking back on my life I actually have had a load of crappy things done to me. I have had days that this has really applied to me and I want to shout it out to anyone out there that suffers depression and / or anxiety.
Please, please hold on!!! Ride it out, hold on there going to be moments like this in your life but the world needs you. I honestly didn’t think it would matter if I killed myself, I thought that I was worthy. Even if you don’t have someone to talk to then come on here, write it out. You might not ever know but your story might just be the story that helps someone else to not feel alone. Your story might be the one that has them wiping the tears away as they sit there reading your story nodding and going me too!
Got a bit lost in this post as it all flowed out but were I was heading is the realization that I really aren’t alone. I have amazing support on here, thank you everyone especially for the hugs! AND I have my soul sisters who if I reached out they would help me. I have had a couple of messages from them and I am amazed with just how much that changed my weekend. They reached out to me, to see how I was, they took time out to check in and that might seem like nothing to them but to me it meant the world.
Tomorrow is a new day and I am excited for it because I am still here, this blue patch can’t last forever and with how I’m feeling tonight things have to start to improve. I know one thing for damn sure I will not be drinking tomorrow so compared to two years ago when I would of been sitting here drunk, probably passed out by now. Hell no tomorrow I will take what ever I’m served and I will face it sober and with awareness that I have been given a fresh start every day of my life.
I have a problem and need to stop it, I am being to generous in my giving to others. I am already in financial shit myself and yet I will still find away at payday to donate to things. Lets give you a couple of examples of the sort of generosity I’m talking about. My neighbors dog has cancer and has these growths that they keep getting cut out trying to help him and have him with them longer. My neighbor is an artist and she came up with away to raise funds for some of his treatments by selling prints of some of her original work. Yep you guessed it I brought one of the prints, it is nice so no problem there. But I really should of been using the money towards my own debt but I just felt so bad for her when she was crying. Or a cat that got attacked by stray dogs and the elderly owner couldn’t afford the treatment so there was a post on FB asking for donations to help, yep I donated some there as well. I really struggle to just turn away and not help when I know that if we all chip in and help it will make a difference.
Here is the problem though, it leaves me with nothing until next pay day. I end up just paying the minimum payments on bills, food, petrol, bills that’s it. I really need to sort out my own debt and know that if I stopped doing things like this I would be able to chip away at it and pay it off a lot quicker but I really, REALLY struggle to not help. I get over whelmed by all the sadness, poverty and shitty things like animal abuse that I see and just feel like I’m not doing enough to help the situations. I want to do more and be more in the animal world to help but just can’t.
I am going through a patch of anxiety and depression at the moment. I’m alright I know it will pass, not like when I was drinking I would often get to the point that thinking taking my life was the only way to stop it. I will make time for myself this weekend and go for walks in my favorite spots to get some time out. I don’t know how long this will last because I know it is an accumulation of sadness over my dog, disappointment over my weight and feeling totally lost in a job that I am unhappy at along with the worry of my finances which mean I can’t move onto the career that makes my heart sing.
If I could put into words how I feel I guess at the moment it would be that I feel like I’m suffocating under the load of the above mentioned reasons. I can find blessings but at the moment I’m just overwhelmed. It’s like a conveyor belt with all my worries and burdens keeps turning over and some bits drop off the side every so often and then others just land on top of me. I’m at the bottom trying to climb my way out but they just keep dropping on me. Like I say this will pass but I am sad and unhappy and like a bitter, grumpy person because I’m feeling like that.
I am so glad that I am sober though and that I don’t have that dragging me further under. I can an will rise out of this.
The more I research it the more it just confirms what I thought, it is very common for addicts to move on to emotional eating after going sober. I
Triggers for Comfort Eating
The most common triggers for emotional eating include:
* Relationship problems
* Difficult or uncomfortable situations
* Negativity of fear of failure
I was thinking today about my weight and it occurred to me that I am lucky that I’m over 50 and fat. The thing is I don’t think people really give a person my age a second glance because they sort of expect us to be more on the pudgy size. I really feel for the young ladies out there as society places so much importance on looks.
I think at my age more stress and worry about my size comes from myself than it does others. I seriously worry about how my friends feel or think being around me and quietly think it’s gross that I’m so fat. Now I know that my friends aren’t that shallow and that would probably be the furthermost from their minds. I do have one that used to be an international model and maybe she notices things like that I’m not sure I will have to ask her some time. I don’t mean that in a nasty way at all but I do know that she had a terrible time around 50 when looks were so important for her profession.
Anyway that is todays ramblings and if I was to sunbath I would feel like that piggy above. I don’t like how I am but I can still see my blessings. At my age it’s not noticed as much OH and another thing I thought of today if I survive coping living day by day with my little dog and eventually her final journey without reaching for a bottle and I reach for an ice cream instead to get through then that is better than the bottle.
I am unsure exactly of what direction to be taking and where to be heading. It’s like when I try to achieve more than just day to day living I don’t have the stamina to achieve it oh or the will power. Losing weight is a good example of the will power and I even congratulated myself while at the supermarket today I mentally talked myself out of buying chocolate so I guess I have taken a small step. Anyway back to what I originally wanted to type about. On Thursday night I got ill with an upset tummy and I truly don’t know if it was a bug or if the stress of worrying about my little dog had built up and my body couldn’t take anymore. On Friday once my tummy had settled enough I climbed onto the couch and I just slept the day away with my little dog. Then this weekend both days I have had nana naps on both days and yet I still feel tired. Trying to figure out how to push through this and find some energy again.
I just thought about a good way to describe the feeling, it’s like I’m in a fish bowl and I suddenly see an exit and start swimming towards it. Just as I get nearer the gap starts to close and I’m swimming harder and harder but the water starts to have a rip and it’s pulling me back to the center of the bowl. I just can’t make it and the gap closes, the water goes still but I’m still stuck in that darn fish bowl.
I am trying to cut back on media this year and trying to distance myself from to much negativity. With everything that’s happening in the world it’s so easy to feel overwhelmed and depressed. The thing that is overwhelming with things like Australia is the fact that it is so over whelming and sad. It is also so scary because when is it going to end, how is it going to end, will it ever fully end???
I saw something the other day which really upset me and it was an article from the media about how a young Muslim man had been arrested for arson. It was an article from the States and it had been shared a crazy amount of times and the comments on the shares was outright racist and full of venom and hate. Why did the media decide to include the word “Muslim” in the article? Why did they single out this young Muslim man? Why couldn’t the wording just say a young man was arrested for arson along with how ever many others that have been? There are also varying reports on the amount of people arrested for arson ranging from 10 to over 200 in the media. But back to highlighting one race, it’s a pity that the same article didn’t also report what good the Muslim community were doing as well. I wish they had shared the story of the group of Muslim women that fund raised and the community that donated towards renting trucks loaded up with everything required for going into the area’s where the fire fighters and emergency services crews where and setting up and cooking them meals with the food and equipment they took in on those trucks. Why didn’t that get mentioned, why just publicize the negative and why pick out one race?
The media could be used for so much good but now a days it seems like it is used as a political tool. There is so much sadness and negativity everywhere now a days and I am aware of it but I am trying my best to not focus on it and instead are looking for good. Thank goodness there is so much goodness out there as well. There are also some incredible people that are so kind and are doing amazing things to make the world a better place.