Category Archives: Diet

Problem Found

Oh no!! I have found my problem and it’s my job, it is creating stress and making me want to eat and drink. I am serious today I kept wanting to eat each time my co-worker got irritating or people kept coming to me with problems or my boss started pushing more work onto me. I didn’t eat though because I wasn’t hungry I was stressed and there is a big step all on it’s own me taking the time to recognize the difference. Now if only I could find away to pay off my debt, support myself and my dogs all while staying at home hanging out with my dogs.

Haha I know I have to go to work so that isn’t going to happen but it’s okay I do take pleasure in the fact this morning I made a healthy lunch and stuck with that and didn’t drift to the vendor machine when the stress levels started to climb. Feeling a little bit proud tonight as I sit here after jumping off the x-trainer. Today was healthy (but yummy) food, exercise and being blessed enough to have a job so I can go out and earn the money to live and pay my debt. In a few years I can see myself climbing out of my debt and I am making so many steps towards things being so much better for myself in the future in so many ways.

After posting last night that there are still things in my past I need to deal with and type out on here I feel calmer just with the thought I will be doing that. I think we can call it keeping it real. I have been tossing around today where to start and I have decided at the beginning. Yep that’s where I will start but not tonight as it’s now 10.37pm and I really need to get to bed.

Living life sober, raw and real is our I choose to live my life and it was the best decision I ever made.

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Ahh Day One We Meet Again

Day one the day of thoughts and possibilities of what can be and how can I achieve it. It’s with a sense of excitement and hope that I can work out my emotional eating and being overweight. A part of me knows I can do this and yet there is that little voice of doubt in my mind that is going pfffftttt you have tried before and you cave so easily I doubt you’ll last the week. This time around I am taking my own advice that I gave someone on here, it really doesn’t matter how many day ones you do just keep fucken doing them until you reach your goal. I am over 18 months sober and that is all because I started with day one so guess what little voice we can do this so shut the hell up you, you, you hmmm gotta come up with a name for you.

Anyway once again just like me posting about my drinking I hope my post helps just one person at least. I will be trying to stop my emotional eating and lose weight while I’m at it. I don’t have the money to join a gym or anything else for that matter because I am also in financial shit and just keeping my head above water. Typing that and knowing that fact also does not help as stress and worry over that is also a big trigger so I don’t want to add to that worry in anyway. I am lucky that I own a ecliptic trainer (x-trainer depending on what you call them in your country) so that is a huge bonus. Because I still have plantar fasciitis and a screw through my ankle I think using the the x-trainer will be better and less jarring for me. I already walk the dogs at least once a day so I think I will stay away from that until this heals more. I will still get out and enjoy walking when I can because I love my bush / park walks and they have the bonus of boosting my mental health. So today I jumped on the x-trainer and I stayed on it for 30 minutes and helped pass the time listening to a pod cast so win, win for me.

Something else that I have everyone has access to I think as I know some of my overseas friends have used it and that is the awesome website MyFitnessPal which helps you record what you are eating and keep track of the kilo joules you are consuming each day. Oh also I have a Garmin Vivofit and I am able to link that to the website because it does into account exercise and increases the amount of kilo joules you can consume in that day. Here is the link to the website it anyone would like to try it as well. – www.myfitnesspal.com

It is easy to use and the more you use it the better, you can search for foods and if you don’t find them and have the nutrient content of what your eating you can enter them in. Then you just select each thing you eat during the day and record your water intake. Start by entering you weight, age etc and it calculates what your intake in kilo joules should be each day depending on whether you want to increase, maintain or decrease your weight. It is such a good site and the free version is awesome (you can upgrade for a cost). No I am not sponsored by them but I’m so broke I would take any offers lol.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and now I am adding to that choice I am sick of emotional eating and being unhappy because I’m fat which in turn added to the emotional eating which made me fat. Do you see the vicious circle here with my relationship with food? I see it but I also see that I have the potential to fix this for myself.

Drama Queen Moment

Okay tonight is my Drama Queen moment so scroll on if you want I just have to get this out.

Oh for fucks sake here we go again, do I actively search out for things to drag me down. Like seriously do I do it looking for attention due to not getting enough from the people who should of given it too me?? Seriously have I gone from one addiction to another with the emotional eating? I have found that there is definitely a link between being an alcoholic and emotional eating, well eating disorders in general but in my case the emotional eating. Now I’m not a trained professional but it looks like I have gone from one to the other. I guess I have had this big void for so very long in which I have avoided feeling and thinking about everything and have pushed everyone away that now it is a whole different ball game. I still have emotions coming at me thick and fast and as I often say raw and real. I think that without alcohol food has now become my go to in an attempt to distract myself from these emotions in the hope that the distraction will slow down the thoughts and give me more time to process. I don’t know if I am angry or sad, oh fuck it I am both, with the realization and also the thought that I know exactly what I need to do and I don’t want to fucken do it.

I have to draw all my energy together again and it is time to get my fight gear on and fight this bitch just like I did / do the alcohol demon. I am going to have to fight this and I am going to have to win for my long term health. I cannot continue eating myself to death while piling on the weight along with dragging myself into depression as I do it.

Okay that is enough of the dramatics and tomorrow something has to change, if it doesn’t then it is time for me to contact my therapist and ask for help again. First step is reaching out for the help you need, whether it be friends, therapist basically whatever it takes.

I choose to live life alcohol free and I think as an alcoholic that is the best and only choice for me. Now I can’t live life food free and I can’t keep piling on the weight as I will just become a ticking time bomb for a stroke or heart attack or something fucked up like that. No more feeling sorry for myself rather from tomorrow I start to get excited at the opportunity to drag my own ass out of this and start living again.

Habits / Addiction ~ Emotional Eating

The two in this image would have healthier habits than what I have I reckon and I’m not just talking about therr aprons. I have been looking more into my comfort eating and trying to figure out why I have it so bad. Sometimes I feel that when I think something is wrong and I start looking into it that you can find a problem with just about anything according to search results lol. But on a serious note I reckon that I have developed and probably have always had it a very unhealthy habit and am an emotional eater. My weight is slowly climbing higher and higher and yet I am always eating and the more that I eat the madder I get at myself for eating knowing damn well that I’m not hungry I my body is just telling me I want it and need it. One article I found about it made me cringe when I read this –

Eating sugars and fats releases opioids in our brains. Opioids are the active ingredients in cocaine, heroin, and many other narcotics. So the calming, soothing effects you feel when you eat ice cream and BBQ potato chips are real. And breaking these habits can be like kicking a drug habit. – “Sourced from – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201309/emotional-eating-5-reasons-you-can-t-stop

Oh delight so I give up alcohol and my body is now a chocolate, ice cream and rice cracker freakin addict!!! I kid you not I can eat a family size chocolate bar in one setting and a packet of 3 ice creams, not just 1 or and a decent amount of rice crackers each day. I feel like a total pig.

In my research so far there is a few things that struck a cord with me that has strong links to why I’m doing this –

  • Hormones – With Menopause passing through my life on and off apparently they don’t help. Sorry any guys reading this but I have itchy tits at the moment and with me that is a strong sign that my hormones are off. Must remember to take some of the stuff the doctor gave me tonight to try to settle them down again.
  • Loneliness – Is a repetitive reason for emotional eating. I am around people all day and personally prefer my dogs to being around people but I do miss having someone to go for walks with, talk with, go for coffee with etc. Loneliness is definitely a feature for me.
  • Stress – Here there, everywhere there has been stress lately.
  • Negative Self Talk – That happens a lot and is one of the causes of emotional eating along with the self eating causing negative self talk.
  • Love Of Food – Yep I love food, some members of my family can eat or not and they don’t seem to care less but me nope I have to have regular meals.
  • Inability to Tolerate Difficult Feelings – Umm Hello it’s me……… I think this is a huge one, I used to have the alcohol to take the edge of my feelings and then totally numb them. Now I take food to make me feel good and to distract me from my feelings.

That gives you a pretty rough outline of what I have found out so far anyway. I used to think oh well eat what you want it’s got to be healthier than all that boozing you used to do. I am now over 18 months sober and I think it’s time to start facing facts on this one I need to do something about my emotional eating.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is the best gift I have ever given myself.

Contentment – Food

“Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.” Bilal Zahoor

I really do have such a blessed live now and there are so many basic things that I have every day and I was seriously just taking them for granted and not counting them as blessing. If my life was to stay just as it is now I would be content, this does not mean that I do not want to continue and grow and better things for myself but what I have now is awesome. I have only once or twice gone without a meal because of could not afford it and had made sure my dogs still ate. But 99% of the time I have 3 meals a day and here in New Zealand we are so lucky because we have so much fresh food around. I make my own lunches so it is cheaper and I cook all of my own meals. I would have either take away or dine out with friends maybe once a month or every second month but that is it. I love fresh food and I’m not a great cook but I do enjoy knowing what is going into my meals.

Not only am I content with my food I am also going to add them to my goals to get sorted. My problem is that I am doing a lot of comfort eating, way to much comfort eating and I am struggling to stop myself. It seems that I have lost the escape from stress with drinking and have instead replaced it with eating.

Contentment list so far – Home, Power, Water, Money, Mornings & Food and one more blog to go!

So much more to do!

I feel like I have come so far and yet I still have a long way to go all at once. There are a few things rattling in my mind that still need a lot of work on and they are –

  • Finances – I have shared with you all that while I was living as an alcoholic I ran up huge debt and I am struggling to make a dent in paying that back. There was numerous reasons for my debt and a couple were that I was so depressed while living the life of an alcoholic that I was trying to buy happiness. Along with my depression there was a long period when I wanted to commit suicide and these thoughts and plans were very strong. I honestly did not think I would still be here to have to pay the loans off. I had it all worked out my life insurance was more than enough to cover the debt so I just didn’t care. Now I do want to be here and although living pay check to pay check sucks it’s better than the alternative.
  • Weight Loss – I am so chubby / fat / even obese and it makes me sad and yet I am struggling with not putting the food in my mouth. There is a LOT of comfort eating going on and I can see that is what is happening and really need to find a way to stop as my weight is slowly creeping up and up.
  • Fitness – I walk the dogs at least once a day and I am quite strong but I really don’t exercise. I started to try to commit to every day for a month on the X-trainer and that was a big fat fail with me stopping after about a week. I have an idea in my head about signing up for half marathons over the next 10 months and that way I will need to train and get my fitness up, I will need to keep it up, I will need to lose some weight (so I don’t have to carry it like a sack of potatoes everywhere) and by setting this goal hopefully the weight loss & fitness will work it out together.
  • Career – Hmm this one is making me sad, I wanted / want??? to become an Animal Welfare Inspector but the worry of my finances are causing me to worry. I am already drowning in debt and to take out another loan for $6k for my study and then the pay decrease when I do qualify are playing on my mind. I just don’t know if I can afford to do it at the moment. Then I worry that the longer I leave it the older I will be and will I physically be up to it. Arrrggghhh this one is a big one. Can I learn to be happy and content with what I am doing now, I don’t know because it honestly feels like my soul is slowly dying some days and other days I know it’s what I have to do to pay the debt so I can stop stressing about the money.

Living life sober is the best gift I have given myself and it takes work and commitment. I need to make sure I am giving myself self care and empathy while I am trying to find myself and just trying to make things work and improve for myself.

Exercise – Day One

Okay I had to put “Exercise” in the header because I didn’t want anyone thinking oh fuck she’s fallen off the wagon again. Nope, nope still sober 16 months & 4 days and counting and no desire to be any other way. There are times when I would like the ability to numb when I just can’t switch my mind off or when I get far to stressed but seriously I don’t want to use alcohol to do that anymore I will find other techniques and skills to deal with things now. I really have uncovered some crap in my life over the last 16 months (oddly enough I still can’t remember my childhood but my therapist said that may never happen) and I have been progressing and dealing with a LOT. Even though I struggle with it all at times and I do have many patches of depression and sadness I feel that I am much healthier mentally than when I was numbing it out and not facing those feelings.

Anyway I am stalling the real point of this post, today I exercised. Every day I walk my dogs at least once but it’s not really exercise because they stop to sniff the roses, grass, bush, pee trail you get the idea there is a lot of dawdling involved with lots of stops. I don’t normally hurry them because I am a believer in their noses and the scents they tell are telling them stories and would I want to be dragged away when in the middle of a chapter, hell no I wouldn’t. Today was a wet and windy day so instead of going outdoors for a walk I jumped on the x-trainer for 30 minutes. I might change my mind but I have decided that by posting on here with my boozing I was putting it out in the universe and making myself accountable. So here I am putting out that I want exercise to become a habit, I am hoping that by adding it into my daily routine that it will help with my depression as well. I am sick of being a sloth (I love sloths by the way) and am getting fatter and need to exercise but at this stage I am only starting with exercise and here is why. Every other time I have raced in and I have tried doing exercise and diet and therapy and sobriety all at once and frankly I got overwhelmed. My plan is to exercise every day and then when I am ready start on the diet.

Oh but I have added these shot drinks into my day that smell and taste like they came fresh out of the lawn mower. They come in powder form and you just add water and shake them up. The powder is made up of the following – wheatgrass, barleygrass, green pea, broccoli sprout, spearmint, manuka leaf, blackcurrant & boysenberry. I am really keen to see if these help me and as well as a zillion other benefits it is suppose to help with my anemia so lets see what happens. If your interested at all this is the link to them – http://www.nutrientrescue.nz

With regards to the gluten free diet my plans are as I use things up I will replace with gluten free, I have been gluten free previously for years so know I can do it. Financially I can’t afford to waste the current food and supplies I have hence just doing it as I run out.

Hmm I guess I am tackling exercise and diet at once in away. Oh one thing I love when I am exercising is some of the great podcasts I get to listen to and here are two things I remember from todays session that struck a cord with me. We are all wanting to be loved and to feel like we belong but there is a difference between a tribe and a community. These are what Tribe and Community originally meant or how they formed.

Tribes were formed out of a mutual hate. – Communitys were formed out mutual love.

Next statement that got me thinking – Humans have been given the ability to love more than evolution requires.

Both of those I got from listening to – Oprah / Super Soul Conversations – David Brooks / The Quest For A Moral Life

Living life sober, raw & real is a blessing and one I fully intend to be giving myself for the rest of my life. It is one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself.

Depression & Diet

I seriously thought I was starting to lose my fucken mind again. I have been sinking into a deep depression, suffering anxiety, feeling like crap mentally and physically. I have lost all motivation and drive and am feeling so flat I have been scaring myself. I have been putting myself through the craziest mind fuck of what the hell is wrong with me??? Why am I so depressed when I have so much going for me. Compared to where I was a year and a half ago I am now days off being 14 months sober. I now have some beautiful, truly amazing soul sisters in my corner you know the sort right? The sort that you can and have been nothing but 100% honest and open with so they love you for the real new NOT the you that you portrayed because you wanted to fit in and be loved. I have 2 dogs who mean more to me than anything in this world (please don’t ever play the game would you save your dogs or me with me, you will be disappointed). I have a home, a job, a car and I haven’t ever had to go without a meal because I couldn’t afford one. I have all of that going for me and yet I had the shittest depression going and I simply don’t know why and it was spiraling deeper and deeper. My body has slowly been kicking my arse at an ever increasing rate and I often start my day with a nurofen. Oh and my energy levels can be summed up with that bus departed town long ago, I am exhausted. Exercising helps me mentally when I can gather the energy for it but I often just can’t summon up the energy to even start exercising. As a result of all this my self esteem is taking a big plunge and I am going through a lot of self loath. I have a sore foot that starts in my heel and goes along the sole of my foot which by the end of the day makes me hobble as it hurts like hell until it gets stretched out.

I have been seeing a chiropractor and she has been treating my foot as well. On my last appointment we got on to discussing my diet. I don’t know why this has occurred to me before but I have been eating gluten for the last few months after being years without it. Her first question was “why the hell would you start to eat it again, seriously?” and I explained that I was anemic and my doctor wanted to confirm if I was a celiac or not. I stopped eating it years before along with dairy and anything wheat after years of feeling like crap and slowly getting worse and worse. I was misdiagnosed as having irritable bowel syndrome, I was going to have surgery on my tear ducts to widen them after the specialist said they weren’t wide enough and that was why I always had watery eyes. All of those symptoms actually stopped when I cut the wheat, gluten and dairy out of my diet. But I had never been tested for the celiac disease because I stopped all of the in take and they wouldn’t of been able to do an accurate test. In order to be able to to do test I had to have a very heavy intake of gluten for 6 weeks before I had blood tests to confirm one way or another. I did feel crap through out the 6 weeks but I think anyone would having to eat at least 6 slices of bread a day as the doctor ordered but I didn’t get sick at all just a bit achy in the joints for the first couple of weeks. The blood results came back that I didn’t have celiac disease but I did gain a extra weight and my doctor told me hey there is nothing wrong with you and gluten go ahead and just include it in your diet like a normal person. By this time my body was used to it so I just kept eating it and to be honest enjoyed all the yummy things like soft white bread some sauces that I had been avoiding etc, anything that didn’t have dairy in it. But now my chiropractor sat there with a shocked look on her face and said bloody hell I shouldn’t put another doctor down but I think you need to cut it out of your diet again. She asked how was I feeling mentally and I told her that I was depressed, suffering anxiety and was having trouble thinking straight and had cloudy brain. She told me to go home and look up the side effects of being gluten intolerant and also starting up gluten after going without. Her advice is to give it up again.

Here is 14 main points that are repeated over and over in my search and I have highlighted the ones I currently have –

  1. Bloating
  2. Diarrhea, Constipation and Smelly Feces
  3. Abdominal Pain
  4. Headaches
  5. Feeling Tired
  6. Skin Problems
  7. Depression
  8. Unexplained Weight Loss
  9. Iron-Deficiency Anemia
  10. Anxiety
  11. Autoimmune Disorders
  12. Joint & Muscle Pain
  13. Leg or Arm Numbness
  14. Brain Fog

Now I find myself sitting here thinking how the hell did I miss all the signs!!!!! Guess what I’m going to be doing now, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that I am gluten intolerant.

Living life sober, raw & real is the way I choose to live my life now and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I was still drinking myself to sleep every night I wouldn’t even be bothered in working out things like this. Lets see how long it takes me to get my mojo back again 🙂

Some People Just Need To Learn When To Shut Up!!!

I was so upset when a friend told me how sorry she was that another friend of mine has cancer. I was so upset to think that she had cancer, we chat online a lot (she is deaf so we don’t call each other) and I see her at least once a week, and she hadn’t said anything about it. I was worried that she hadn’t told me for fear of me being upset by it and I was worried about her going through it without my support. When I asked my other friend how do you know she told me that she had seen my friends daughter post it on FB. Well I tried to not let it bum me out until I heard it from my friend herself but it did totally throw me and make me so worried.

This morning I kept thinking do I go around, do I wait for her to come and tell me what do you do? In the end I saw her come online and I messaged straight away explaining that some one had told me she was unwell and was she okay. She told me about her illness I already knew about but no mention of cancer. When I fully explained she said oh gosh no as far as she knows she doesn’t have any cancer AND if she did she would always let me know if she was unwell. I can not express how happy I was to hear that she was fine!!! It also showed me how much I cared about her with how upset I had got.

Tonight the other friend came online and I messaged her and told her hey my friend doesn’t have cancer and then I got pissed off with her reply. “Oh that’s good, my bad lol”. Seriously WTF who tells someone that their friend has cancer if they are not sure???? Then who thinks it’s LOL material when you tell them the were wrong???? I tried to express how upset I had been by telling her I was so upset I ate a whole block of chocolate and crap food while I stressed myself out, that fucked me off to because I am on a diet and I let it get to me and ate crap in a stressful time. I guess thank God I didn’t turn to the bottle, which I wouldn’t and tbh did not even enter my mind. She just laughed again and said of that’s what I do when I am upset.

Here is some advice for people like her, don’t fucken tell people someone has cancer, is sick or any other shit unless you are positive. How about using your brain and asking hey does your friend have and explain why you are wondering NOT sorry to hear your friend has cancer!!!

I am so happy my friend doesn’t have cancer and am counting my blessing on that tonight. I am happy that drinking didn’t come into my head, disappointed I ate crappily but hey it was one shitty day and I survived it. I am living life sober, raw and real, some days are rough but I never want to lean back on the booze as a crutch in a rough patch!

One thing I expected with stopping drinking that I simply didn’t bloody get!

I seriously thought with stopping drinking and thus cutting out on average 3866 kilojoules a day that I would lose some serious weight. Well that was simply not the case at all, bastard talk about feeling totally ripped off. Now before you all think hmmm how is that not possible I’ll be the first to stick my hand up lol. My new addiction was chocolate (dairy free, it is possible to find dairy free yummy chocolate) and ice blocks. But hey don’t steal my moment of feeling sorry for myself for not losing the weight hahahha.

Anyway moving on from that admission I decided it was time to start doing something about it and I stopped all chocolate & ice blocks & sugar along with going on a diet. I lost 2kg’s in the first week but I was feeling like crap. I was dizzy and my mood was declining, I was already going through a sad patch but this was making it so much worse. I was depressed and a moody little bitch but the dizziness got so bad. After discussing it with a doctor he told me that my body is crashing and took my BP and it was super low. Who knew that cutting out sugar could cause a body to do this. No bloody wonder my body was having trouble trying to cope. 

One really bad thing I noticed with this though is that as my body started to crash and my mood with it the craving for alcohol started to come back really strong. This really surprised me because I have been doing so well and feeling so positive about not drinking and I absolutely LOVE life living it sober, it kicks arse. 

For now I am stopping the diet but am carrying on with no sugar including chocolates or ice blocks (hmmm maybe for a treat on Xmas day) and I will see how I will go. But although this wasn’t pleasant I have learned from it. 

Living life sober is one of the best things I have done for myself and thank goodness I am sober and aware enough to realize when something isn’t right. Before I would of just had another drink or 7 etc and carried on day after day ignoring it.