I was thinking today about my weight and it occurred to me that I am lucky that I’m over 50 and fat. The thing is I don’t think people really give a person my age a second glance because they sort of expect us to be more on the pudgy size. I really feel for the young ladies out there as society places so much importance on looks.
I think at my age more stress and worry about my size comes from myself than it does others. I seriously worry about how my friends feel or think being around me and quietly think it’s gross that I’m so fat. Now I know that my friends aren’t that shallow and that would probably be the furthermost from their minds. I do have one that used to be an international model and maybe she notices things like that I’m not sure I will have to ask her some time. I don’t mean that in a nasty way at all but I do know that she had a terrible time around 50 when looks were so important for her profession.
Anyway that is todays ramblings and if I was to sunbath I would feel like that piggy above. I don’t like how I am but I can still see my blessings. At my age it’s not noticed as much OH and another thing I thought of today if I survive coping living day by day with my little dog and eventually her final journey without reaching for a bottle and I reach for an ice cream instead to get through then that is better than the bottle.
Okay another day of over eating, the wheels feel off when my vet phoned with the results from my little dogs blood tests and sadly the news isn’t great as her kidney has started to shut down. I don’t know why but I just started eating lollies (yep more appeared in the office, think I’m going to have to make a rule of lolly free zone) then my lunch, then snacks from the vendor machine. I wasn’t even hungry but just ate. What the heck is wrong with me?? So obvious emotional eating.
I’m not going to beat myself up and I’m not even sad about it just annoyed. I am very sad about my little dog and I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I am just going to take it day by day with her and stay positive and hope she is still here for months and months and months. The positive is I got her to eat tonight so tonight I am calm. When she doesn’t eat I do get so stressed which is very hard.
I reckon the positive is that even though I am upset and highly stressed I turned to food and not booze and I would prefer to stay fat than to go back to being a drunk. Can’t even type up a decent post tonight sorry as I’m just to tired and sad.
So today I go back to work from after having a week off and doing well with my eating and I blew it. The day started off well but then the stress started building with things coming at me left, right and center. Damn it then I spotted a bag of left over lollies in my office and I kept telling myself NO and yet I still ended up diving into that bag telling myself just one, then just two then three oh for fucks sake I ate HEAPS like a million, zillion, trillion….. okay getting carried away now but you know what I mean and the disappointment I feel in myself. They tasted so damn yummy and they did give me some time to gather my thoughts while I dealt with the issues coming at me. Thank goodness others came in and they ended up eating some and I told them please take them all. Damn it I knew there was a risk with the stress factor but I thought I would be stronger. At least now there is none left in my office so hopefully tomorrow I can start fresh and just have what I pack for lunch.
Another thing I have noticed is linked with my financial situation, I am brokey broke and have quite a large debt. I can’t stand the thought of wasting any food and will rather eat it then let it go to waste. This is not a great thing as I try to watch what I eat and control my intake. Good thing I have noticed this about myself now and can watch out for it happening. I can also try harder in my shopping so that I do try to limit any waste.
Just like becoming sober this is something were there might be more than one day one but every day is a new opportunity and tomorrow is the next day one.
Another day of healthy eating under my belt 🙂 it’s funny just how much this over eating is on the same mental level as giving up drinking. My mind keeps going to “go to the kitchen” and “hmm what can I have to eat” you know that sort of thing BUT here is the thing I’m rarely even hungry when I am having those thoughts. I’m also surprised by just how much I used to over eat. Using the MyFitnessPal app is bloody brilliant, lets take tonight as an example I had a look at how much I could eat and still be under my daily allowance. Hmm two Salmon Cakes which include vegetables here we come, yummo. But then I’m bagging up a loaf of bread into portion sizes of 2 slices so I can freeze it and not waste it. Hmmm one crust left all lonely of nice fresh low carb bread. Shit, okay what if I have one Salmon Cake and that one lonely slice of bread?? Oh my gosh it worked out better than two Salmon Cakes and I was fill at the end of it. Top it off with my decaf nespresso and I’m done. Now I’m sitting here to late and should be in bed but I am totally comfortable and relaxed. My body is not feeling like it’s over eaten today, it’s not bloated and it’s not busy processing everything I have over eaten.
On the exercise part I failed today and came in under my steps but it was a conscious decision. Today was the last day of my leave from work and my little dog had to go and have blood tests along with my other dog getting his vaccinations. We went for a walk first thing before the vet and only a small walk this afternoon. Now I no it is possible to go walking without them but I wanted more than anything else to just spend the whole day enjoying being with my two little heartbeats.
Living life sober, raw and real is awesome and now I am starting to find that watching what I am putting into my body versus just shoveling in what ever as the mood takes me is actually bloody awesome as well.
Is it possible to this early in feel a bit better already? I don’t know if it’s my imagination and wishful thinking but I feel like I’m not as bloated. I also don’t find myself thinking after any meals whew I feel so full as in I’m stuffed. It actually feels much more comfortable.
Since I am such a procrastinator I am using MyFitnessPal and logging all food and my Garmin watch is tracking all steps and adding them to MyFitnessPal. The only negative I see with MyFitnessPal is making sure I log everything and taking the time at first to set up my database of foods I eat. The great thing is once they are in there you just select them each time adding them to whatever meal / snack you have them in. The aim of it is that eat only X amount of Kilojoules / Carbs / Fats / Protein / Sodium & Sugar each day. It’s actually really good because you can eat whatever you want as long as you record it and your total at the end of the day is less than your daily allowance. So for example today I entered in breakfast / lunch and what I intended to have for dinner and then saw that I was well below the recommended daily intake. After looking up the nutrition list of Fruit Bursts lollies I was able to have 1 serving of them (4 lollies) and still be absolutely fine with my target. It is good because I can see where I’m at and it stops me boredom grazing because then I would go over my allowance. Oh and the more exercise you do, for me the steps counted, you can sync your device to the MyFitnessPal and it calculates and you can even have more to eat. If you don’t eat enough it even tells you that you are not eating enough.
With my Garmin it sets a target for steps each day and I have achieved it for the last 3 days in a row. Each time it does increase the daily target so lets see how high I can get it before I can’t achieve it. Only problem is my bloody foot is freakin sore!!! I am going to hobble to bed soon and it’s going to hurt like a bitch but I am so determined to do this I’m not going to let it stop me. Even if I can’t achieve the steps as long as my food intake stays below the recommended daily allowance I will be fine.
Probably a boring post for you all but I am trying to post each day to keep me accountable and focused on what I am trying to achieve. If you are interested in the MyFitnessPal it is free to use so here is the link – www.myfitnesspal.com
Hmmm asking for a friend (haha you know when someone starts with that they are pretty much bullshitting and embarrassed to admit it was them, so yep this is me) who wants to know is this bad or mean? Today I had to go to the supermarket to do some shopping for supplies for myself and the dogs. I was fully planning to do my shopping online so I wouldn’t be tempted with ice cream, lollies or normal chocolate (it really does taste better) but ended up having to go because the delivery schedule didn’t suit me. When I first went in it was a case of hmm what the heck can I get that isn’t going to go against what I’m trying to achieve. But as I started going around I managed to stay on track and I let my crazy way of thinking help me achieve this.
The supermarket was busy and after the veggies and fruit we go past the deli and then into the alcohol, not even a temptation there. Up into the bread and I started thinking maybe I can have a healthier bread like a low carb bread or one full of sunflower seeds and linseed but there wasn’t any left so I took that as a sign of no bread for you, smiled and carried on. Next to the cereal and I love my cereal with juice (50% less sugar, better than full sugar right?). Doodle, doodle, doodle, push that trolley around to the next aisle, ooh ahhh it’s the fucken lollie aisle!!!! OMG, OMG, NO!!! And my favorites are on special!!! How did I stop myself??? Here is the is this bad or mean part…… I looked around and spotted all the fat over weight people and told myself do you want to be like that??? If you do go ahead and buy the lollies and scoff the bag on the drive home BUT aren’t you sick of being fat, aren’t you sick of eating so much sickening sugar rich foods? Look again keep looking at the fat people as they push their trolleys around the supermarket. As they go past take note of what they have in their trolleys versus what the skinny people have in theirs. I carried on past the lollies and left them there. I won’t bore you with the rest of the trip but as you can guess there was lots of look at that fat gross person don’t end up like that. The answer is no I don’t, I’m tired of being over weight and unhealthy.
On the drive home I didn’t get to scoff the bag of lollies but I did get to think about how I just coped with my trip to the supermarket. Wow what a bitch, those poor fat people I shouldn’t be judging them like that as I’m fat myself. But then I thought, you know what I didn’t say it out loud to anyone, I didn’t hurt anyone and thinking further if someone had done the same thing while using me to mentally stop them I would say bloody good on you, well done.
Living life sober, raw & real has taught me the skills to start applying in other areas of my life. The jury is still out on what form of dieting I’m going to do and for now I’m going to focus on thinking about what I putting into my body. Ice Cream & lollies are out for now until I get my weight down. BUT I don’t ever intend to fully cut them out of my life, I did that for years when I wasn’t eating gluten or dairy and I think that was part of my problem. Now that I have been letting some gluten back into my diet and I have found dairy free, chocolate coated ice creams I have gone to the extreme because I went without for so long. Focused eating for now along with trying to walk more to get some exercise going.
So I am fat and I’m tired of being fat oh and along with being tired of being fat I am tired of getting fatter and along with being tired of being fat and getting fatter I am getting tired of being unfit and getting unfitter. Now, now before you all start telling me to just love myself for being me well I sort of think I do but I don’t like this side of me. I know that I emotionally eat and I know that I love ice cream and lollies but it really has got out of hand. I’ve seen all the posts and write ups about how being fat around your tummy is actually dangerous and that is where the bulk of my fat is. I am going up and up in clothing sizes and there ain’t no one else but me that has the control to do something about it.
My vision for a healthier weight me is……
- Fitting my old clothes that I just can’t fit anymore, oh even fitting the ones I am wearing now without constantly tugging and pulling at them trying to get them comfortable and now sitting tight over every roll and bulge.
- Feeling better about myself and not disappointed that I have the power and control and yet I’m ignoring it and not doing anything about it.
- Being able to spring out of bed without so many aches and pains and having to position myself correctly to push myself out of bed without injuring anything.
- Hopefully improvement or recovery in my foot injury with less weight to carry around.
- Having higher energy levels and not struggling to get through the day without feeling like I need a Nana nap.
- Not huffing and puffing if I do more than a standard walk which means being able to go further and faster without feeling grossly unfit.
- Being able to wear a standard deodorant and not perspire so much. Every time I get fat I notice that I’m sweating more and that it can get smelly unless I wear a strong deodorant designed for this.
- Okay lets get really honest not smelling at all of urine EVER, when you a fat its seems that you seem to smell more down there as well. Why the hell that is happening I don’t know is it getting older and leaking. I really don’t know, it’s not all the time but I am very embarrassed that it happens at all.
- Stop the risk of diabetes because I reckon with all the sugar I’m currently taking in that must be coming up at some stage.
- Avoid my blood pressure going higher and higher with the weight, lack of exercise and poor diet.
I think that’s enough that I can rattle off just like that, it’s time to stop feeling like this and to actually do something about it. I have already started today by not racing out to buy more chocolate, lollies or ice cream. Nope I have run out, oh apart from some really dark chocolate that I simply can’t gobble like I can the creamy chocolate. Thinking about it today I also think I’m going to internet shop my groceries for a while so I stick to the basics and don’t get tempted with all those treaty things while walking around the super market. No one shops for me so I can’t blame anyone else for bringing so much crap into the pantry / fridge, it was all me and I won’t be replacing it for a while.
I figure that is a good start and am trying to decide whether to give the Keto diet a go or Allen Carrs Weight Loss book / CD instead. Part of the problem with being a bloody Libra I can never freakin decide but have made the firm decision of cutting out sugar which I think has to be a great place to start.
Living sober, raw and real is freakin awesome now I have to battle with my addiction to sugar and emotional eating. It’s really not an easy one because well everyone has to eat right? What do we do when we feel like treating ourselves when we don’t drink anymore? I know I like to cook up a lovely meal or have a yummy desert. Feeling low have some chocolate (it does make your brain happier for a while), signal the end of your day and relax, have a bowl of ice cream. Hmmm this one is going to be tricky but is totally doable, wish me luck.
Funny I’m not normally one of those people that gets excited about starting a New Year but this time around for some reason I really am. Hmm maybe it comes with putting a Christmas tree up and feeling the festive spirit. But anyway I am trying to focus on what I can do that is positive and doable for me that will make me happier and improve me. I keep having things pop into my mind that I want to add to my remembered thoughts (haha I really do have a crap memory, awesome post idea in the morning come night time arrrgggghhhh what was that idea) but I am excited and ready. Let’s see how much I manage to start working on and actually achieve then ah.
- Improve health and loose weight
- Work on reducing my debt
- Work on getting my foot to heal – (just stopped this list and booked a Podiatrist)
- Spend as much time with my dogs as possible
- Go on more walks in nature
- Explore my city more and mark off all streets, roads etc as I go
- Read more books, I love my books
- Build up to doing my first 1/2 marathon
I’m sure there is so many more and know I have thought of them but bloody forgotten lol maybe it should be work on my memory. But working on my health which combines weight, mental health and physical health has to take priority. It’s not just a case of don’t get on the scales I actually feel fat and useless, my clothes don’t fit properly, my tummy is so round and I hate it, feeling like a slug, an unfit slug. I have the power to improve this and I have the mind power to make sure it happens.
I am going to start on the New Year, now before anyone says why not start now I am also very aware of how easy I end up feeling overwhelmed and at the moment my work hours are incredible and the stress of family Christmas time all need to be behind me so I can start with a clear slate. There will always be something and that is life, like my little dog being sick I can’t stop that but I will do everything in my power to keep her here and healthy for as long as I can but I can’t use that as an excuse for holding myself back as once that is sorted there will be something else.
Living life sober, raw and real kicks arse and is so much better than the shit life I was living as a drunk. I went into the festive season thinking oh it’s that tough time of the year when friends are out drinking and being jolly and that I would miss drinking. Actually I am having a happier and jollier time than them when I look at it. I look at each time they mention feeling unwell or hung over and just laugh and say I don’t miss that a bit. I am enjoying every morning but they are often sleeping off the night before while I am out enjoying myself. I didn’t even attend our work Xmas party (I had a tooth out that afternoon so it wasn’t intentional) and I didn’t miss it and I was actually much happier at home just doing my own thing. Hmmm just thought of, no remembered because I have thought about it before, something else I want to add to my to do list going to add it now. Sorry this one ended up a bit all over the place as my rambling dropped out of my mind and on to here!
I would have to say that I’m a fighter, I’m a survivor, I’m proud of the me I have become BUT and yep there is always a but although I am proud of all of those things and more I have something that is making me sadder and sadder and more withdrawn and that is my weight. I can’t stop thinking about it and how it just keeps escalating and how every extra kilogram that I gain makes me sadder and madder at myself. I have a foot injury which hasn’t helped as I am suppose to rest it as much as possible. I was getting so stressed about trying to achieve everything at once and putting so much pressure on myself that I had to stop and just be in the moment and acknowledge how far I have come and just be content for a while.
But now, now I think it’s time to focus on losing the weight and I am hoping to use the same mental attitude that I did for giving up drinking! I have a powerful mind and it can either work for or against me and I know I choose and have to fight my own crazy little inner voices.
Living life sober, raw and real I believe has given me the mental strength to use my mind for what I want to achieve.