Okay that is not a photo of my Mother and I in fact now that I think about it I don’t know of any photos of us both together apart from at my brothers wedding oh and one family portrait. But anyway as part of the therapy session on Friday my relationship with my Mother came up and the therapist asked me just where is my thinking at now with her. If you are interested in the session where we discussed my mother here is the link – https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com/2019/03/02/therapy-session-2-2/
I will always be hurt that my mother and I never bonded but I do know that she loved me in her own way and I will always love her. The way I feel about her is that it was not her fault that she had a break down after I was born, she was probably going through it even before I was born. She was obviously not in a healthy mental state and I blame poor mental health for the way she coped with me as a baby and that there has never been a bond formed. Sadly none of us are born with a handbook and I am sure that under the circumstances she did the best that she was capable of doing. She is not a bad person and due to her own upbringing along with her mental and physical health I know that she was not in a position raise me. I am sure there is guilt there not only from her but from my father and sadly that wall has never been smashed down to build a bridge with the bricks left over.
What happened with the abandonment and lack of nurturing will always remain with me and it is a part of me. Interestingly the therapist told me that the lack of nurturing has a huge impact on the level of self care we are able to provide ourselves. Self care is something that I seriously struggle with and have to consciously make sure I do my best to give myself the care I need. The abandonment and lack of nurturing has certainly affected me and any relationships I have in my life now. If they are serious relationships, and I’m not talking sexual here, then this is something I think I will have to work through each time in order to trust and let people in. But I am now, thanks to the therapy, able to identify what I am doing and why and stop beating myself up and understand what is happening.
I accept what has happened and understand, it is part of what has made me who I am today. I will never have the close bond that I desire and you know what that’s sad but it is okay as well.
Living life sober, raw & real has given me the gift of getting to know the real me and for that I will be forever grateful.
Today I went to another therapy session and it might be my last for a while but I will explain that when I have more time. But today something was said to me that I was blown away to hear by my therapist. The reason I was blown away is that while growing up I was always told that I was not the smart one but they were proud of how hard I worked to try. I was repeatedly told that I was a slow learner and that they were proud that I worked so hard all the time studying trying to understand or catch up. Your brother was so fortunate he got the brains like your mother and you well you try. There was always a back hand followed by a tap on the head, it was like your not good enough but lets throw her some encouragement to keep trying. It always left me busting my arse trying to do better and be better but most of all it left me feeling like a fucken idiot with a below level intelligence. What’s the saying if you judge a fishes intelligence by it’s ability to climb a tree……. oh here it is.
But today my therapist told me that I am so full of wisdom and so intelligent and such a quick learner. I seriously sat there looking at her thinking April Fools was over a few days ago lady. But she was serious and when I realized that I could of cried. She went on to say that what a pleasure I was to work with and that I had actually taught her a few things. She loved my way of looking at things and how my thought process worked.
I’m 100% sure most of you know just how crippling it is to be raised repeatedly being told that you aren’t this or that and pity your weren’t more of this or that. You grow up with the self esteem that is smaller than a pecan nut (trying to think of the smallest nut here lol) and you truly believe it because they are the adults / parents, shit they would know. They even have something to compare you with so they would know the difference. Here’s the thing just because someone is family doesn’t make them right. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to believe them. I am now over 50 years old and guess what apparently I have an amazing calming nature and I am very wise. I am also very smart and intelligent and those things have been recognized by someone and today they were acknowledged and that felt fucken amazing.
Living life sober, raw and real is really the only way I want to live the rest of my life and I have the power to do exactly that. That makes me very happy and I am not going to let anyone take that power from me because I am wise, smart and intelligent!
One thing I have never really discussed on here was the fact that I never had kids. I always wanted kids and had this vision of a boy and girl as I grew up, the perfect little family. But sadly that never happened due to a combination of factors, I had endometriosis and while my ex was happily sleeping his way around town (unknown to me) he gave me chlamydia. With the combination of the two I ended up so unwell and was in pain all the time. With the scaring of the endometriosis through my abdomen, bowel and uterus everything actually ended fusing together and twisting. After a long journey and fighting with doctors who did not believe me when I said I was in trouble I went private (took out an extra mortgage) and even though I was so young it was decided that a hysterectomy was the best way to go. Thank goodness we didn’t delay the surgery because when they actually cut me open from hip to hip they found out just how bad things were in there. They ended up calling in more doctors to help operate on me and due to complications I died on the table. I think I have shared that part before and for those wondering yes I did feel calm, yes I did see a bright light and I was looking back down at myself on the table. I decided I wasn’t ready and that combined with those surgeons working so hard I was brought back and survived. Anyway this post is not about that but about the fact I never got to have the precious babies that I wanted.
Please if you have children give them a huge cuddle from me and treasure them (even when they are being horrid) so many people are like myself that just can’t have them. It makes me so angry when I see neglected or abused children and I know I will never understand why I couldn’t have them yet others that don’t appreciate them could.
I am too old now to adopt and I would never of been considered over the 20 years that I was living the life of an alcoholic. This is something I can’t change in my life and something a small part of me will always feel sad about. Oh and I always feel sad that I never provided grand children for my parents as well. You sort of feel like a bit of a failure in the female department, not that we are all put on this earth to breed but hmmm getting lost in my thoughts now.
Living life sober, raw and real is my life and it’s me.
Hey there Bubba how you doing? Let me introduce myself to you……. I am you but you decades on. I just really wanted to drop by and have a little chat with you, first off and most importantly let me tell you something – You are so loved, wanted and worthy of love!!! I wish I could reach into that cot and just hold my hand on your little body until we stop the rocking. Then I would reach in and I would lift you out of there and I would hug you close and kiss your little head. Goodness knows how long you have been in that nappy your a pretty smelly little thing but I’m gonna fix that right now. This would probably feel very foreign to you and you might even fight it for a while but I promise if you slowly relax you will feel how good it feels. Now as an adult I actually love a hug from my friends the family still doesn’t hug and you didn’t grow up feeling comfortable hugging them either. But hugging my friends makes me feel loved, it makes me feel secure and it even helps to make me feel like I am worthy and can achieve things I never thought possible. Tell you what I would also of found something else for you to drink because it turns out that you are allergic to cows milk and that is what gave you sore tummies so that you would scream the house down. I think I would move a little radio into the room with you so that you can start to nurture your love of music and also so you would hear voices.
I have the overwhelming urge to explain to you that our mother is not to blame for what happened to you as a baby. You see she had a terrible time having you she was going through a breakdown at the same time. You most certainly aren’t to blame but the fact that you were feed cows milk would make you scream the house down. She would of been concerned about the vomiting and runs that you suffered but because she wasn’t well she simply couldn’t cope with you. She had our brother to look after already and he was older and so much easier so you spend a lot of time locked at one end of the house with the doors closed so you could scream yourself to sleep. You have learnt how to self sooth and this is something I only learnt about while watching a documentary shows how clever you are that even as a baby you worked this out for yourself ❤ You probably won’t be surprised to know that you still do a form of it now when you are upset or unwell so that is something you have kept as an adult. Anyway back to Mum she really needed help and by locking you at the other end of the house it was better because it stopped the chances of her hurting you while she lost her shit. Mum will have to carry this for the rest of her life and when you get to know her more you will be able to see that she is a beautiful person with a very kind heart who was simply unwell. She really did have a hard time growing up with her own mother and struggles with affection but she does love you so no matter what happens don’t forget she loves you as does our Dad but he is working so much he only comes home briefly to sleep.
Your going to be looked after by your Nana & Poppa for a while and when they can’t look after you it’s okay you will go and stay with your Auntie and Uncle. You will be really well looked after and you will find your real hero in your Poppa, he loves you like crazy and you will be his Princess. Your Nana is a little bit like your Mum and really struggles to show to much emotion but she will tend to all of your needs. This will be for a few months while your Mum gets better.
I have so much more to explain to you but I wanted to give you that cuddle and make sure that you know you are loved. I am going to kiss your little head and this time inhale the pure baby smell which will now smell like baby talc lol. What you are going through now is what has made you into me and tell you what I’m fucken proud of just who we are starting to be now. Hold on Bubba your gonna make it because your one strong spirit and your going to grow up into a lady who has an amazing heart and incredible level of empathy. You’ve got a bit of a journey ahead of you and no matter what happens I promise together we are going to make it. I have to put you back in that cot now but never forget this moment because I am always traveling with you Bubba.
Living life sober, raw and real lets me have moment just like this.
Sorry rambly post alert as I vent to get this out of my head. I was feeling so happy and excited with the possibility of working towards being an Animal Welfare Inspector that I was feeling like a wise old owl. I was feeling so smart because I thought I had figured out what I wanted to do and to work towards being it. Everything was looking so bright, it still is but there was a bit of a downer to it today.
I shared my plans with my parents and lets say that my Dads response was not what I was expecting. My Dad is an animal lover and I honestly thought he would be proud of me for wanting to change to a career that makes a difference for them. He said he was not happy that I would be dealing with lots of scummy people and that I am not mentally strong enough to deal with what I will have to see. He feels like were I am is much more stable and that my earnings are greater and that I would be taking a backward step. After that he wouldn’t talk about it any further, conversation done. I really didn’t realize how much it mattered to me that I thought he would be proud of me for something but it really hurt. I am disappointed that he is looking at it from an earnings side of it when he has no idea what my financial situation is like and that’s probably just as well. I didn’t get a chance to tell him the full version with having to study for a year, that at the end I will have as much rights as the Police (except I can not arrest anyone only detain them and wait for the Police to arrive). Actually probably best I don’t tell him the uniform includes the good old stab proof vest.
My Mum on the other hand was totally supportive which shocked me. Naturally she expressed concern for my mental health for all the sad things I will see and the type of people I will have to deal with. She has genuine concern with the use of “P” in our country and how unpredictable people are. BUT she understands that I have always, always wanted to work with animals in some shape or form and knew that I would get into something to do with the welfare side of it. She also understands that at this stage I would be spending time with inspectors over the next year and THEN if I like it I will be looking at doing the university course to qualify for the role. Dad didn’t even let me explain all of that.
When will I ever learn to stop looking for them to be proud of what I want to do? Far out I am 50 bloody years old and still it hurts that I don’t have my fathers approval. I will still be following through with it and checking it out which he won’t like but I can not let this opportunity pass me by.
Thank goodness I am sober and able to deal with this clearly and calmly. Living life sober, raw and real, isn’t always easy because you feel the hurt along with the sunshine. This weekend has had so much more sunshine so I’m smiling as I type this thinking about that 🙂 if I was drunk I would be all sulky, bitter and twisted right now. That makes me smile even more.
The other night when I blogged about preferring to be called a survivor rather than a victim when it comes to being raped. It’s because to me calling me a victim is giving more power to the people that did this to me, but calling me a survivor is giving me the power. I have taken my power back they have no control over me and never will, ever again.
There is however another side I didn’t think about and a dear friend shared with me, not sharing the whole convo but this part slapped me awake – “I absolutely agree with how you’re thinking around your parents and wanting to protect them. They are also victims in this, after all. He raped their daughter.” I thought oh holy shit they are victims in this and I have been so wrapped up in myself I hadn’t even thought of that. But after thinking and thinking I have decided oh well they could be if they ever found out about it but I am determined that they won’t find out. If they ever found out they would be so very upset, naturally. But I am determined that they will never find out and by doing so I am not giving anymore power to the whole thing.
Sorry only a brief muse tonight as it has been a full on week. Living life freakin sober, raw & real is so fucken awesome.
I have shared on here previously that I was raped by a family member and then in later years multiple times by my now ex-partner I don’t go into it much on here and have manly used this blog as part of my tool kit for sobriety. I really have found enjoyment in the amount of people saying that my writing has helped them in their lives as well. I have decided to write a bit more about the rapes in the hope that it might help other survivors to not feel alone.
I am ready to tell some of my story and a huge part of me is bursting to just let it all out but I won’t. This time around I am only going to focus on the family member event. I am a silent survivor as in I have never told anyone about what happened to me, as in I have never reported it or told a family member. I have told very close friends that it happened but I will never go into full details. I think it is important that people realise that the people that do report rape are only a small percentage of the people that are raped.
The reason that I have never told anyone or reported it was intially because I was already struggling in our family circle to be noticed and hmm I was going to say loved but I don’t think that’s quite right. My mother loves me in her own way but she has not bonded with me anyway that is a whole another topic. So the family member that did this to me was the one that got the focus of my parents. I already knew that I was a disappointment to them and because I was young when this happened I believed that I would disappoint them even further by causing trouble for the family.
Now as an adult there is really no reason why I would tell them as it would not do anything but totally destroy my family. I have no proof of what happened, there was only him and I present and he was so off his face with drugs that I am positive even he has no memory of it happening. There is nothing that can change what happened by telling anyone. If I was to tell my parents it would literally break their hearts and put them in the position of who do you believe. Once again no point. Frankly a part of me would be scared that they would choose him over me in the matter. Can just imagine it now being outcast from the family as the family whack job. I don’t actually think about that side of it a lot because in all honesty I don’t know how it would go down. But I do know that there would be some terribly hurt people and it would be because of me telling about it that they would be hurt. My parents are elderly now and there is no way I want to upset their whole world by trying to clear my head and bringing out into the open what happened. Also the person that did this to me is still in my life and always will be as he is family. Like I said I am sure he does not remember it at all first off because he was such a drugged up mess and secondly because of how he behaves when we are together as a family.
My point of telling this is that there can be many reasons why people don’t report rape or even tell anyone about it. I see the whole #MeToo movement and it makes me cry when I read some of the stories or see any videos of people speaking out about their experiences. I also cry for the survivors like myself that are silent about what happened as I know there will be more of those than there will be ones speaking out. Please don’t ever forget we are survivors!
Thank you for the gift of sobriety which provides me with the clarity to think about things like this. I am hoping that as well as helping myself I will be helping other survivors along with hopefully helping others to understand things like this as well. I am living life sober, raw & real, and it freakin rocks.