Tag Archives: booze

It’s Been A Hard Week

I have been MIA for the week as I have had a bad week and have been angry,  sad and trying to stay busy because I am also feeling vulnerable and have a shitty attitude of what is the point of not drinking.

Last Friday I went through the normal afternoon crazy train mind fuck of I WANT A DRINK, NO I DON’T, YES I DO I REALLY REALLY DO BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway when I left work I walked out to my car and went to unlock the door and noticed that it had a huge dent in it. Instant thought was WTF!!!! I went to unlock it to put my gear in and found that it wasn’t locked. Once I had the door open I noticed the dash was damaged the steering column was all smashed and the ignition was dangling with many copper colored wires hanging down from it.  Upon further inspection I found that the rear triangle smashed. The tow truck driver explained to me that who ever tried to steal it was an amateur because there is a auto cut-out for the engine if you don’t have the key in the ignition. Now a week later and many sleepless nights I am still waiting to see if my car is going to be written off or repaired. One or two bits of the damage would of got it repaired but add the kicked in door as well the price is climbing up there.

As I have explained before I let myself get into financial shit. My car is really not worth a great deal at all to anyone but myself. If they write it off by the time my excess comes off I will come out with bugger all and I would only be able to purchase a heap of unreliable shit. If they agree to repair I am happy to have my old car back as it has had some major work on the motor and new tyres at the end of last year so I at least know it should be reliable and a good little basic car. I have been losing a lot of sleep just worrying about it all and even if they do repair it I have to find the $400 excess which for me will mean other bills don’t get paid.

The oddest thing is I have gone from being angry with the person to thinking I don’t know what their circumstances are nor what their upbringing was so I have an odd mixture of wanting to punch them in the face OR ask them those questions first before deciding if they are an arsehole or not and maybe still punching them in the face. Not really because I am not a violent person but you get what I mean.

Anyway here we are back at Fucken Friday afternoon.

It’s Been Way To Long Since I Posted Here

Just wanted to give you all a quick catch up I am STILL sober and will stay that way. I still suffer from bouts of depression but am now aware enough to realize that I would be feeling this way with or without alcohol. But the depression cloud does not hang over me so heavy when I no longer have to work through hangovers. I enjoy just living in the moment as much as it was great to numb things that I wasn’t enjoying in my life it is easier to deal with them and move on without the alcohol. Booze certainly numbed it but guess what the problem was still there it didn’t go away I still had to deal with it and now I can move on quicker.

For those of you that are just starting a sober journey I wish you the best of luck and my advice for you is do what feels right for you in your sober journey. If AA is for you do it, if AA doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. If the book or if you are in a country with meetings Rational Recovery works for you then do it, if Rational Recovery doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. I could go on with all the different things that have worked for different people and I think you are seeing the key here DO WHAT IS GOING TO WORK FOR YOU!!! But do try things and keep trying until you do find the right thing for you. If you follow these sober blogs on here do encourage each other as it can be extremely lonely world being sober on your own when you are used to a world of drinking.

Well I have enjoyed posting this and sharing my wisdom (for what it was worth) with you all. I really, really hope it helps someone, anyone or even everybody that takes time to read this. Don’t give up, do believe in yourself and if you trip and fall (do use what ever you are addicted to) please pick yourself up and start again until you succeed.

One thing I do want to do is to thank the people on here that I either followed, had follow me, commented on my posts, shared my posts and encouraged me. You have all made a huge difference in my life and I don’t think I would of survived some of the darkest moments without you all xxxxxx – Love, Peace and Energy to You with the biggest hug of thanks I can send.

Why am I so freakin angry and bitter most of the time!

OMGosh I can be such a bitch with a sarcastic tongue  that has a venom that slaps out. Sometimes I am shocked myself by the level of my inner bitterness. I have a side that can be so loving and compassionate and yet another side that is so angry it is like living with Jekyl and Hyde. I am working so hard on trying to tame the inner bitch but it just comes out and bitch slaps me so hard. I can feel it coming with a grumpiness that starts to boil over into just being a bitch.

I know my trigger and it is drugs and alcohol. I have become this person that has no tolerance for people that participate in either and become very judgmental of them for their choices. I am pissed with my brother for still taking drugs and I am tense when around him while he is drinking. I am pissed with the person who is selling him the drugs and suspect that it is a person at our work who is selling it to him (yes we currently live together but we also work together, not healthy). I am pissed with the ones that are uses at work as if they have had an evening together they really do have a I can’t  be fucked day at work. You would think that my boss would be unhappy with this but he also partakes in this behavior. Out of my 4 bosses that I have had in the past 12 years 2 of them have been drug takers and one was without doubt an alcoholic.

Anyway focusing back on the problem I hate my inner bitchiness and that sarcasm that comes with it. Why the hell can’t I just relax and let people live their lives the way they want to and not be such a judgmental cow? If there is a part of our character that we hate why is it so hard to just stop it? It is so rude and also it is tiring wasting my energy judging others and being shitty.

Day 200 passed and I missed it!!!

Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling  and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.

I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem

There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.

I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”

Living a sober life can make others feel uncomfortable.

Okay I made it threw New Years sober people, I am so proud. It was a very stressful time at work and the desire burned hard in strong to just go fuckit and start drinking again just to bring on the numb feeling that I loved so much. I can’t believe that after 6 months I still swing from “I really want a drink” to “I am never going to drink again” it is a vicious roller coaster which I have to stay on guard for all of the time.

There is something that I have noticed that now makes me feel uncomfortable and that is how my friends are to me now. It is like they are uncomfortable being around me as I make them feel uncomfortable with their own drinking habits. I am not sure if they have stopped asking me to meet up with them because of this or if it is because I have become a recluse and just don’t want to be around them while they are drinking alcohol at the moment. People start talking about the night before and then it is like they get uncomfortable talking about it with me there. I have tried telling them it’s okay them talking about the night’s before don’t affect me. This is not totally true it is more likely to make me stay away from it.

There are so many things that I enjoy about not drinking but the little sucker still rides on my shoulder. I am a bit worried at the moment as my brother is moving in with me soon. His wife has decided that she doesn’t want to be married after 20 years and he doesn’t have anywhere else to go as he is leaving her with the house and everything in it for now so it doesn’t affect their kids to much. Anyway he is coming and his emotions are all over the place. I am going to find it stressful to have an extra person in the house (along with his dog) and the fact that he smokes and drinks is not going to be helpful to me. But family is family and you do not turn your back on them in their time of need. Also I do not have the heart to ask him not to smoke and drink here as I want him to be comfortable and to be able to relax and take his time to sort out where he is going to go from here.

183 Days Sober and a few things I have learnt along the way.

I first saw the above image while at the gym and thought how true is that. If we are not happy where we are, with what we are doing, if we want to change we get a second chance every second of every day. I was so unhappy when I was drinking in the end. It was a habit and one that consumed me. I couldn’t wait to get home in the evenings and relax and unwind with my box of cider. I couldn’t really afford to drink to the excess that I did so would often purchase it by using a shop charge card. I was unwell in my mind and my body. I suffered from depression and at night would be consumed with thoughts that I would over analyze and would let minor things develop into full blown major things (in my head) that would also depress me more and had me so negative I don’t know how I survived. My body was obese, my blood pressure extreme and I won’t even go into my digestive system and how I have abused that over the 20 years I was drinking. I knew I had to change and sometimes I would scare the shit out of myself thinking I would probably die today when I knew that my blood pressure was off the chart from my drinking the night before.

I was miserable and thought that coming home and drinking myself numb each night would block that out. I don’t know why but after years of this and abusing myself something just went off in my brain and I realized that I was not getting anywhere in fact I was just heading to an early grave and things could never get better from there. I knew that I had to stop and correct myself because I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I have had shitty things happen in my life and there are still things that I don’t know how to deal with BUT I am the only one that could change the direction of my life and make it a more enjoyable life to be living. The major changes I have made so far is I have been sober for 183 days now and believe me every second of that counts. I still have moments often where I really, really REALLY want to drink. I have lost a lot of the excess weight through not drinking AND by joining a gym. I LOVE weight lifting and I LOVE cardio and the feeling of having a much healthier body is amazing. Every time I have thoughts that I really want to drink I stop myself by thinking I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I just don’t want to start back at day one, hour one, it is just to hard. I often wonder if I can just buy a 6 pack and just give myself one night with that nice buzz going on. But then I think about the fact if I give myself permission to do that I will give myself permission again and again until I am right back where I started. I am also happy waking up and not feeling like crap with the dry horrors, furry tongue, headache and most times a bad tummy. I want a drink but not as much as I don’t ever want to feel like that because I have drunk again.

Now for a few things I have learnt along the way that has worked for me, please remember everyone’s journey is different and I am not saying hey do this it will help you but it might help you.

Vitamins – I now take vitamin C, B, Multivitamin and Magnesium Complex every day.

Listening to Self Help Pod Casts and Reading Self Help Books – really didn’t help me at all and instead made me over analyze things that had happened in my past and dwell on them way to much. I do not want to give negative things in my past anymore of my time, they are history I can not change them but I have learnt from them and that’s it. Slamming the door on them.

Exercise does help – I love the gym but I find even something as simple as going for a walk is so good for the soul and the body.

Blogging – An amazing tool that helps you get the stuff that is rattling around in your brain out. It is amazing how somethings are just better out and written down. By blogging somewhere like here you can find an amazing support group of people that are dealing with the same sort of shit everyday.

My mind wanders all over the place and has trouble staying focused on anything for a long period of time. Guess what this is normal for people with addictions. Even now my mind is still all over the place but I would say that it is improving and I can focus more at work.

Being Uncomfortable – If things make you uncomfortable e.g. our work Xmas party, I just don’t do them. Not this year maybe next year when I am stronger. How ever I did enjoy arriving to work the next day and seeing the sorry state of some of the party goers, sadistic? maybe 🙂

Sleep – sleep is good. I have been abusing my body for so long that no wonder it is exhausted. Now I am making it exercise and not giving it the poison it has run on for the last 20 years. It deserves a break and resting is not always being lazy it is giving it a break and letting it recharge.

Your mind will come up with some really good arguments as to why you should have a drink. Once again remember it has been working with alcohol or drugs fueling it. It is going to take a while for it to settle down and learn what the new normal is.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down all the time. I find myself calling myself a dumbarse often now I pull myself up for that.

No matter who you are or what you have done so far in your life remember ‘You decide every moment of every day: Who you are & What you believe in. You get a second chance, every second.” If you don’t like it, change it for yourself.

Reasons Why My Life Is Better Sober

1. There is pride in every day I add to my total of being sober (currently at day 105).

2. I have only had to put out my recycle bin once since stopping drinking (sorry I had to mention it here).

3. Not being afraid of the phone going at night and answering it and having the person notice my slur.

4. My blood pressure is the lowest I can remember for years.

5. I enjoy mornings now.

6. I enjoy sober sleep, it is so much better than sleep fueled with alcohol.

7. Taking the time to cook much healthier meals.

8. My dog’s life has improved as I am able to focus on playing with him at night rather than get annoyed with him because I want him to leave me alone to have my drink.

9. Both my dog’s enjoy going for walk’s after work that is a walk for them giving them time to stop and smell whatever they want on the way without me hurrying them up so I can get home to crack open a bottle.

10. My life in more productive.

11. Having the ability to drive somewhere when ever I want and not having to stop to think how much I have had to drink first.

12. Losing friends that don’t support my sober life.

13. Losing weight.

14. Getting up at 5.30am to go to the gym before work.

15. Not having the stress of making my wages last long enough to support my drinking habit from pay day to pay day.

16. Having this blog.

17. Having the support of others because of this blog.

18. Having the support of a friend in my decision not to drink.

19. Not having to get up to piss numerous times through out the night.

20. Reading a book from start to finish.

21. Walking the dogs without getting short of breath.

22. Not being embarrassed putting out my full re-cycle bin and putting the few non-alcohol related items on top in a pathetic attempt to cover all the bottles below.

23. Actually knowing when I am tired and needing to go to bed.

24. Not waking up on the couch, cold and stumble to bed.

25. Not disturbing the sleeping dogs by getting up all the time for another bottle.

26. Watching a TV series and actually keeping up with what is happening.

27. Having goals in my life now.

28. ……. there is more and I am now finding them every day.

85 Days Sober

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley

Well here I am having quite the journey which is not quite as I expected. I am so happy to be here as there have been many times when I could of stumbled and just said “Fuck It” and went out and started to drink again. But I haven’t and there is a powerful reason why I haven’t and that is the fact that oh my gosh if drinking has the power to put me where I am right now I am never touching it again, EVER!!!

Depression has hit me like a freight train and I am at the point that I am going to go to the Doctors this week because I refuse to keep living like this. I have SO SO many blessings in my life that it guts me that I feel this way. I find it hard to even crack a smile unless I am out in public and feel that it is necessary so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I have done the normal roving around different blogs and websites and they all say that this can be a normal part of a heavy drinker giving up as the mind is so use to coping with the alcohol fueling it that coping without can send it into a spin. Some people are lucky and don’t have any depression and others I have seen said they suffered for months and sometimes a year or two. Well screw that I can not keep going like this and have decided it is time to ask for help. If I keep being this miserable I am scared that I will cave in and start drinking again just to bring on my friend the numb brain and get some relief. I also don’t think it is normal to have thoughts about killing yourself to make it stop but knowing that you would not go through with it because of the hurt it would bring on to others are at all healthy.

I am also at risk of losing a really good friend because of my down moods and not being her normal happy go lucky friend. I am even pushing her away because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t like it and don’t want her seeing me like this.This is another reason for me going to ask for help, I would give my life for this friend and it hurts me that this is effecting our friendship. I will be seeing her later today and will be trying to explain this all to her and ask her to please don’t give up on me I am going to get help.

I went to the gym again yesterday and am super disappointed to find out that the 2 young ladies that treated me like shit the other day are actually staff there. Gutting and not sure what I am going to do about this. I want my fit healthy body back but I am not in a good mental space to be able to deal with what I have decided was being bullied. I saw them both when I went to the gym, one on reception that just turned her back on me as I walked in. And the other was doing life saving at the pool that you look at while on the cardio machines who saw me also and just looked at me and turned away. Now these could be just normal no meaning reactions but because of my fragile mental state I am not coping well with them. I’ll see and keep going but the thought it going through my head of saving up and buying my own work out gear for at home. I know you don’t need to spend big dollars but one thing I like is strength training and get a buzz out of things like bench press and box squats. Who knew but I do now that I love these things. I also love the DOMS that it can bring on for me that next day. It makes me feel that my body is alive and the pain / discomfort is purely the sign of it building strength and growing stronger.

I have been going to the gym for I think 3 weeks now and have lost 5 kg’s and am already fitting clothes that I use to take of in disgust because I looked like a baby hippo trying to squeeze into a snakes shredded skin 🙂 so I am very happy about that, I have a long way to go but I am doing it.

Now on with my day and getting up the courage to ask my friend for 5 minutes of her time so I can explain how much I value our friendship and that I am sorry for how I have been but I will be getting help as I love her and don’t want to bring this shitty depressed cloud into our friendship. Wish me luck.

Stay strong everyone and remember it was our addictions that brought us to where we are today.

Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

14 Days Sober and Yes I Know I could of Just put 2 Weeks Sober but believe me it has been 14 long days.

Well here we are, Sunday night after 14 days of no booze YAY for me. This weekend I really did enter into the danger zone with finding that I had enough cash left over that I could go and buy a box of Cider if I wanted to. Let me explain a bit further. I am basically having to live from pay day to pay day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was spending far to much of my income on alcohol each week. Anyway I had booked an appointment at a posh hairdresser to have my hair colored, cut and straightened. This is something that I have never really worried about before and I had no idea how much it would cost and this place was not the sort where they put the prices up for you to see. I had just over $300 left to get me through to my next pay and to cover this appointment so I was to scared to spend any of this money on booze as how embarrassing would it be in a place like that to say oops I don’t have enough to pay you. It would be embarrassing anywhere I know but I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go to this sort of place as it was and already felt uncomfortable with my low self esteem. I actually came close so many times to cancelling the appointment and just going to buy my booze BUT I didn’t and I was able to still have enough to pay for my new hairdo. The danger zone came about when I still had $100 spare afterwards, my nerves where right on edge from pushing myself and doing this, so who raised its ugly head?

That’s right that bitch voice alcohol hungry brain. Toot, toot hey you, yeah you why don’t you celebrate and go and buy a box of cider (funny how my voice always talks to me in boxes and not A DRINK don’t you think). Come on we can go and get a box now, it’s Saturday and you have just achieved a milestone, let’s go! I even drove to the damn supermarket to purchase it. I went into the supermarket put some vegetables and fruit into my basket then around to the alcohol aisle. I looked up that aisle and saw people up there studying the different wines and then spotted my box of cider sitting in the chiller section. Oh it looked inviting, I could taste it, I could feel that first mouth full in my mouth, being swallowed and then swigging down my next. Then I could also visualize that leading to me drinking till I fell asleep on the couch, woke up finished drinking whatever was left in the bottle and thinking about another one before dragging my arse off to bed. I could picture waking up the next morning and being busting for a pee and stumbling to the loo. I pictured myself on the loo thinking to myself oh God I feel like crap again, I could feel my high blood pressure pounding through my head and body. I could feel that sinking feeling of shit am I going to have a stroke or heart attack today because it is pumping so high. I could feel the headache and dry mouth, you know I have no idea how long I stood there. I do know that I pissed some people off as they had to maneuver their trollies around me. I thought to myself oh fuck that NO tomorrow is my 14 days sober so close to my goal don’t stop now. And I walked on, I WALKED ON, I wanted to turn back so badly but I didn’t. I got a few extra items and left that supermarket and still have $50 left over.

Hope that didn’t bore you all to much as it has taken me ages to focus and type this. Yep my mind is still wandering, some days it just fucks right off on me I have no idea where it goes maybe to get a rest from the crazy fight it seems to have with itself. Take care everyone, be strong we can do this together, we can, YES WE CAN.