I don’t know why but I love abandoned buildings and sadly we just don’t have enough of them in New Zealand as we are not an old enough country. I would love to visit some in older countries like England and would love to go through old castles that have been abandoned. There is something when you are in them either old homes or industrial buildings. You can feel the spirit that remains from the people that have been in there, some times good energy and some times spine tingling bad energy. Just walking through going from room to room you find that each one puts off its own energy. I love going through and having visions of what once was and just standing still in them with your eyes closed just feeling. Sometimes you can tell people moved in a hurry or that they just couldn’t be bothered moving everything and there are things left behind. This just adds to the story the building is telling you, like a teddy bear left in the pile brings sadness because I can’t help but think there was a child upset because their bear was left. In industrial sites desks seem to be an item that gets left behind and I wonder who used to sit it and what sort of work did they used to do at it. Every building has a toilet and normally a kitchen with a sink but in residential it’s pretty awesome if you come across an old wood stove. Old wood stoves give me visions of families and the days when the mother didn’t go out to work. She still worked and she worked her arse off for her family, cooking, washing, looking after the family. Oh how things have changed now and some for good, some for bad.
Living life sober, raw and real is freakin awesome and I am so pleased to be exactly where I am today. Today was a bit of a quiet day as I was right I did end up unwell so the dogs got their walks and the basic chores got done and that was it. Now I’m off for an early night as I have to rise and shine early for an extra early start in the morning. Night all, or Good Morning depending where you are in the world.
Well I’m still exhausted and everything feels like an effort and heavy and even my eyeballs are tired! I don’t know if the emotional ride I just gave myself was so intense that it zap any energy I had or if I’m not well at the moment. You know those moments when you are so tired you feel like you’ve got the flu because your body aches? Well that’s how I feel right now but and this is a huge BUT I feel so calm. What I would love is to take off in a camper van with my dogs and just travel and stop where I want and just cruise and enjoy the break. I want to wake up without the aid of an alarm and if I had a choice to the sound of waves crashing on the beach. Get up and walk the dogs on the beach and come back to the van and enjoy a morning coffee and breakfast with them and to just sit and enjoy. No need to hurry so I can get to work on time. No difference between a week day and a weekend. Explore the walks and sights of different places, enjoy my own company and just enjoy moments of peace. I don’t want to be around other people at the moment. I want to be able to meditate at any moment I feel the urge. I want to relax on the bed of the camper van with a good book and the dogs by my side. I don’t even want my phone or computer I want to go internet free. I just want to be me and have no schedules just take it as it comes. Even going to bed at sunset and getting up to see the sunrise just sounds like heaven.
But then reality sets in and instead I know tomorrow I have to prepare for a hard work week ahead with early starts and full days. I also have no money to go anywhere with and I have bills that need to be paid. Treatment for my dog needs to be paid for and regular vet appointments meet. I don’t own a van and it’s not safe anymore for a female to travel and sleep in vehicles alone. Ahhhh but I can dream can’t I and even though I can’t do all of these things it’s okay because I am still smiling as I type this. Even having this dream but having to face the reality of my life is so much better and blessed than what so many have, I am lucky. One day the debt will be paid, at the very least I will have vacation time and even a week or two away with my dogs will be freakin heaven.
Living life sober, raw and real is such a blessing and I really can’t see myself bothering to ever drink again. I just can see the point of wasting money but more importantly wasting my time on it when I have so much to do and see and I want to do it 100% sober.
Well this week the eating healthy and exercising started well but obviously I don’t have great control when things get to emotional and it all started to go to shit half way through the week. I haven’t been sleeping well and between that and thinking out some of my emotional baggage I was exhausted. So emotional & tired while processing was enough for me and I stopped exercising (apart from walking my dogs) and I turned to chocolate, ice cream and basically over eating. I’m sad that it got derailed because I was doing so well but I am not disappointed in myself at all. I seriously think I made the right choice to focus on processing the mental side of things this week. Now I feel tired but I also feel like it has really helped, I am at peace with it now and excited to move on from here.
Balance and acceptance while not pushing myself to far and hard is something I can now see is very important. I think the lesson learned here is important in all aspects of my life, emotions, physical health, finances well basically anything.
Living life sober, raw and real is so awesome. I am allowing myself to feel the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and face things head on and actually deal with them. Sorting things out in your mind and finding away to process them and have skills to cope with them from now on are vital. I am proud of how I processed them but I am also very aware that I no longer want to dwell on things for to long. If I can’t process and work them through in a healthy time frame I will be seeking the help of a therapist again.
Okay I am setting it free, I’m talking about my childhood and teenage years. They will always be with me but after writing it out and facing it rather than numbing every thought I have had about it previously I’m actually more at peace with it all. There will always be hurt and pain there but I cannot let it ruin this side of my life as well. I am 50 years old and it’s time to let it go as much as I can.
I forgive my Mother and now having suffered from depression as an adult I have a small world of understanding of what she went through. I can’t fully understand it having never had kids because I really don’t see how you can’t bond with something you gave birth to but I reckon she carries guilt about that. I can only imagine the mental suffering and pain along with loneliness while mentally she broke down. How much would it take from a person to be going through that, nearly die giving birth and then taking home a baby that she simply was in no fit state to cope with? It must of been a living hell for her, especially since I wasn’t an easy baby apparently with always screaming because of the milk allergy. She was well when she had my brother and she bonded with him long before I came on the scene. Also they are so very similar in their ways, mentally, physically and in some ways spiritually. Anyway what I am saying here is that yes it hurts, yes it has affected me and how I am towards people in my life but I understand and my heart actually aches for her and what we both missed out on.
My father was working hard trying to look after his family by providing for them and building them a home so his absence was huge during my childhood. I will probably never know how he couldn’t see what was happening to me but maybe he had his hands full with taking care of my Mum and trying to build his business so that he could provide safety and comfort for his family. I don’t know, I do know he was an only child and maybe he struggled to grasp not being the one having all the attention. Shit I don’t know without actually being there hahaha well I was but I can’t remember it. Either way I can’t carry around ill feeling towards it all anymore, it’s time, time to move on I can’t change it all I can do is focus on the future.
My brother I will never forgive for the rape but I have to put here that I understand, I understand that the expectations and pressure to perform was huge. But the thing that I now fully understand from my own addiction is how you tried to escape everything through the drugs. Then through that your craving for the drugs grew and grew and along with that addiction so did the cost of feeding that addiction. Along with the cost came the dealing of the drugs along with the dealing of the drugs came the greed. The greed of not only feeding your habit but the ability to earn the money you could in dealing. Through seeing your journey and even seeing the affect it has had on you as a person even now it makes me realize that I am so blessed. I am so fucken blessed that I am now on my sober journey and it just adds to my determination to stay that way. I love being sober and I thank my higher power that I didn’t do the damage to my brain that you have done to yours through your addiction. I seriously have to believe that it was the drugs that made you rape me, I cannot deal with thinking that it was you as a person. I am pretty sure that you can remember anything about it and I don’t even think you remembered it the next morning.
Living life sober, raw and real has made me face things like this and as painful as it was to mentally go back writing it out on here has seriously helped. I am setting this all free now into the universe. The pain and hurt are probably always going to be there like a dull ache but I think that’s totally natural. I can forgive and I wish I could forget it like my childhood but I can’t. I can choose how I move forward from here and I am doing that with a smile. This is not nor has it ever been my burden to carry I did nothing wrong and everything right and I have ended up a much stronger person all while retaining my heart and soul.
Following on from last nights post I was going to write a post to explain how I understand a lot of the things that happened to me but I am just not ready. I am not ready to write a post saying how I understand and that it is done and dusted, not yet I just can’t. Instead I was thinking about the feeling invisible and not loved and how going sober has allowed me to experience friendships that make me feel loved, valued, worthy and cared about.
I am talking about the friendships I have made with my friends now, I have spoken about my soul sister before and life is just so different with them in it that I could end up doing lots of posts about them. But what happens is when you get to know people as a friend and then you start to open up and be honest and vulnerable then you are allowing these people to see and if your lucky to fall in love with you for you. There is no bullshit and no pretending to be a certain person to attract them to me because I am sick of bullshit like that. I have a strong desire to love and be loved but I also need it to be 100% real. I am not interested in people falling in love with the person I portray if it is fake and created to attract them into my life. What I have is seriously some sort of magic to me because I have never experienced this depth of friendship before.
If I think of an example I can think of talking openly to one Soul Sister and we talked about how I worried that I would end up dying alone. I haven’t had a partner now for crikey must be 18 years but that is a whole different story. My parents are nearing their 80’s and the only other family I have is my brother. My Soul Sister didn’t hesitate during this conversation and said that if it is at all possible she will not let me die alone that she would be there for me. I know that she remembers that promise and she will move hell and earth if she has to so she could be with me (if I go first that is, she is younger than me but that doesn’t always mean we will go in birth order.
Another example is as you can imagine I have hug insecurities in relationships and am often very insecure and worried that they are leaving my life. I have had panic attacks and got myself very worked up as my mind drives myself crazy after I don’t hear from them in a while. These beautiful ladies put up with this and in fact help to calm me down and have taken the time to tell me how much they love me and assure me that because they don’t answer on the same day or don’t message first that it’s not that they love me any less. They assure me they love me and if I really need them to just let them know, including if I am getting myself worked up so they can assure me. They understand and accept that is a part of me and they know the reasons behind these insecurities.
Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is this best decision I ever made. Without this sober journey I would not have these Angels in my life who accept and love me for me.
I am not invisible, I too have feelings, I need love, I have love to give and I want to be accepted for me! This letter is to let you know how you made me feel by your actions and the lack of action.
I can’t remember fuck all from my childhood and this saddens me but now I am just struggling to even be noticed or feel significant in your lives. You are so caught up in my brother life and running around to be there and be his hero even though he doesn’t want you to be and isn’t even grateful for it. What about someone be my hero in my family for me? I might as well be invisible, I do everything right, I work so hard on my studies and pass all my exams and yet you don’t even notice. I see your sick with worry about my brother, I hear you argue over who’s fault it is that he is like he is. I can see my mothers heart has been broken into a thousand pieces when the son that she has bonded with is so fucked up on alcohol and drugs that she only just gets by each day. I see my father praying often and asking God to help him with his son. I hear you leaving late at night to go and collect him from whatever shit he has got himself into now. But I am here, I am desperate for attention and yet I know that you have so much to cope with I really have to behave and do everything right so I don’t add to your stress. I also hope that by being like this you will finally see me and be interested in me. I would love someone to ask how my day has been when I come home but instead I often find you with your faces buried in your work or hard in conversation discussing what you can do for my brother to try to help. I can’t help but wonder if I disappeared would you even notice. This is the age when I would start to think if I killed myself would you even be sad. I would say I was going to a friends place but I wouldn’t always, I would often just go and hang around at school and play with my basketball.
One time there was one of my teachers there, she had been working late and she asked me what was I doing there at that time of the night and was everything alright at home? I told her that I didn’t like being there much and she gave me a hug, guess what that was a hug one of you should of given me! She told me that I needed to go home and that she would ring me to make sure I got home safely and we could talk some more. I ran home that night, someone had seen me, someone had noticed me and someone had listened to me. I waited and waited by the phone………… and she never rang. I cried myself to sleep that night, a teenage girl crying herself to sleep because my teacher didn’t call me fucks sake.
How dare you fucken leave me home alone with my brother when you knew how drug fucked he was!!! What the hell were you thinking?? What sort of parent does that, unfuckenbelieveable, you are both smart people and you knew what a mess he was and yet you still went! You’ll never know but thanks to your poor judgement that cunt raped me while you were away. Thanks to all of you that is something I have to carry for the rest of my life. Why?? Because I’m a good girl that’s why, I know the difference between hurting people and protecting people and I know how much it would kill you to know that ever happened. Actually would it?? I guess it would be my word over his and I would actually hate to hear who you would side with.
Did you even know that I started to be very ill with endometriosis, I had it so bad and even though I was in pain and distressed I kept it to myself. I am always protecting you, always looking out for you and always putting your feelings and welfare above my own. Why???? Because I wanted to be loved, I didn’t want to be the cause of any pain or disappointment. In the end I just couldn’t take it all anymore and I moved out with my first real boyfriend at 16 years of age. I left behind a broken family and guess what that was not my faulty that was all yours, Mum, Dad and my brother ALL YOURS!
I really enjoyed my weekend just gone and the main reason was that I found total peace in it again. I just had the best peaceful, drama free, relax with doggies, walks in my favorite places sort of weekend. It was just a basic weekend, nothing special but everything special all in one. It was so relaxed and the peaceful calm feeling made it feel so special.
On the Saturday I woke early, hang over free like I have every morning for oh the last 18 months or so but this morning I thought how blessed am I not to be a prison of my own doing anymore. I got up and took my 2 dogs for the must relaxed walk around our local streets. It always makes my heart sing just watching them and seeing how much they enjoy just getting out for a walk. They honestly sniff everything including the flowers, they pee on what they want and carry on and the parts they can’t be bothered with they just trot on, we can learn a lot from animals. Come home hang some washing in the dryer, that’s right we have 4 seasons in one day here at the moment and hanging it out only gives it extra rinses. Breakfast for me and the dogs and then a couple of hours doing my volunteer work. Dad popped around for a visit so we chatted for a while about nothing and everything as you do in chit chat but the thing that blew me away at the end of it was him stopping to tell me how proud he was of me (well me and my brother but this is about me) and how he is so blown away by the amount of kindness and giving I do for others man and animals. There was even tears in his eyes as he said it, it was almost awkward because he really doesn’t express himself like that. I was a bit taken back but we just kept chatting. Next a walk around my favorite tropical garden, I go there often because it really does change so often with different flowers appearing all the time. While there I went and sat in my meditation spot, I sat there in total peace thinking about the posts I have been doing lately. I didn’t start sobbing or bawling but I did sit there as tears just rolled down my face. It was so freeing as I just let go. Back home and walk my dogs again then dinner and back into my volunteer work.
Sunday started the same, hang over free, walk the dogs, breakfast, volunteer work and then off for a walk around our cities river. The great thing was that it was gently raining so there wasn’t many people about at all. I had on the best tunes and for an hour and half I just walked around the whole track and took photos of beautiful things I saw on my way. The music the scenery and just the inner peace made it the most pleasant walk. I came home and did some more volunteering and then did the housework I had been putting off so I could be ready for my work week.
Living sober, raw & real is my choice and I have no regrets instead I am so blessed. All of the above seems so simple and probably so boring to some but for me all I could do this weekend was think how lucky I am to be living a sober life. This simple peaceful weekend would never of happened had I been drinking, I would of been to hung over, struggling to take the dogs for a walk let alone anything else. Come the afternoon I would of been counting down to drinks time and drank until I passed out again. That sort of life is total bullshit and it really is living like a prisoner but now I’m free even the basic is peaceful and enjoyable.
I would like to tell you all that as I got older and became a teenager that my mother and I bonded but sadly that did not happen although I would say it became more like a friendship. But my teenage years I pretty much became invisible as my parents tried their best to stop my brother from ending up in jail or dead from either over dose or in the hands of the people he was dealing his drugs to, oh or from driving while under the influence. I am sure there was a thousand scenarios that went through their poor minds. Because I was the good girl and still absolutely desperate for the love and attention that I was not given they did not have to worry about me. Between trying to get my brother to focus on attending school and then worrying about where he was and what he was doing when he was AWOL they had their hands full. If they weren’t trying to get him to attend school they were worrying about him, picking him up from a beating, driving to the police station to pick him up or working.
If they weren’t doing any of the previous things they were away on business trips. I think the business trips were their way of taking a break from it and they would often disappear for a week at a time. Arrangements would be made for me to go and stay somewhere or for my Grandparents to come and stay. I loved when my Grandparents came to stay and they showed me love and I was not invisible for that period of time. But for them my brother would pretend to behave and come home at the after school times and then sneak back out at night. I have no freaking idea if they knew and just couldn’t be arsed dealing with him or if they just thought what a good boy.
Backing up to when my parents went away on business trips there were a couple of times that they couldn’t find someone to take me or watch us so we got left alone. I would still go to school because apart from being a good girl it would also be safer than staying at home. My brother would have all his friends around and the house would become a party house and alcohol and booze would be all over the place. It was during one of these times that my brother raped me after everyone had gone. I look back now and I think seriously what the fuck were my parents thinking? They knew his alcohol and drug problems and they knew how over his head he was and yet they left him in charge, fucken incredible.
Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is one that I am glad I have made. Today I ate well and I went out in the rain and I walked and walked. Something I am finding that I love doing on these walks is taking photos, just on my phone nothing flash. I was thinking today how come and the thing is I take the time to notice things, even the little things like the delicate flowers, the art work painted on walls, the cool designs of things, the boats in the harbor the list just goes on. I have decided I like taking photos because then I can look back and if I don’t remember this part of my life I at least of those. I wish I had photos to remind me or show me the happy parts of my childhood. I am sure there must of been plenty and I am sure my parents must of spent some loving moments with me. If not where has all the love and empathy I carry come from?
I think before I write a letter from teenage myself to the people that really hurt me that I’ll give a bit of a breakdown on some of it. This is the point when I start to remember some of my life, my teenage years. Now these are the years where my brother raped me and what messed me up for so long is the fact that I can understand how he ended up so fucked up. I don’t normally talk anyone else, as in their story, on here but this is my blog AKA therapy and this is where I type what is relevant in my life that I have been numbing out for 20+ years. With some people our lives are so intertwined that part of their story does become a part of yours. I cannot talk about what he did but I can talk about the behavior in my family circle because this all lead to my first rape.
My brother was the golden child and he was the one that my mother bonded with and still does. Their minds are so similar and they are of the same body structure (weird way to put it I know) both and very intelligent people. My brother couldn’t do any wrong in my parents eyes and he was put right up on a pedestal and seriously I believe the pressure in his teenage years to keep being the perfect son was just far to intense. Like I say he was so smart and was always an A+ student and he was expected to maintain those grades and he did without any study or anything. He was thin and not the chubby fat kid that I was so my mother had no problem taking him out and not being embarrassed. Mum treasured him and they spent a lot of time together. As my brother got into his teenage years he started to have friends that of cause got into socializing and partying with them. Lucky he was an attractive guy because if he was a nerdy & ugly guy I don’t know if he would of been allowed to hang with the in crowd. It didn’t take long for these alcohol and drugs to lead to stronger drugs and then a drug habit to pay for. This lead to him dealing in drugs to feed his own habit as it got that bad. Jumping ahead a couple of years I remember my Dad having to go and pick him up from some location as he lay in a pool of blood from being beat up after ripping off the local young up and coming gang members, that night just about ruined my Dad. Eventually after being caught with enough drugs on him to be charged with dealing the courts sent him away to a drug rehab because he was to young for prison. Anyway backing up, with all of this drug taking and party life going on he was struggling to attend school after being out most of the night living the life of a druggy and dealer. Even with that he still maintained his grades but his attendance was terrible and Mum and Dad really struggled to know what to do with him. I believe looking back now the pressure of being the golden child was huge and he started down the road he did so he could numb it all and rest from it but it got away on him.
On the other hand was pretty much ignored and I wasn’t as smart but got by but I would have to study my arse off to get a pass. I was fat and an awkward teenager that even at the age was very much the tom boy. Nobody had any expectations of things that I would achieve or do because they knew I wasn’t the smart one. One thing I didn’t live with was the pressure to achieve and be perfect.
During these teenage years was when my brother raped me, I’m not going to go into the details because I just can’t bring myself to type about them here. I will say that when it happened he was so fucked up with drugs I don’t even think he knew who I was. To this day I do not know if he remembers doing it and I doubt it. Like I said earlier I understood why he was so messed up, he had so much pressure on him and it was just to much. He found his escape and way to stop the pressure but the price he paid was high because he also fucked himself up with the amount of drugs he did. He went from being this super intelligent person to one that now struggles mentally in so many ways. It’s like the family have to look out for him so he doesn’t fuck things up to badly in his life. When he does my parents step up and get him out of the shit each time. I now find myself looking out for him so that they don’t spend more money and time fixing things for him and his family. A part of me feels responsibility for him and I worry that now my parents are reaching their 80’s that it will become my responsibility and once they pass I don’t know if I can be bothered, but that is another story.
Living sober, raw & real is my choice and it is the best fucken choice I ever made. Today was one of those Saturdays where nothing extraordinary happened but I just felt content and blessed.
Just a random post tonight but there was something I listened to in a Podcast that it made me think wouldn’t the world and peoples opinions of themselves be so much better if parents could do this as often as they can?
What if you mentally remember to just let your face light up each time your child walks into a room your are in? What if you let your face show them how blessed you are to have them? What if you let you eyes glow with the love you have for them? What if you did all of this and didn’t look at them with a look of “shit what is that they are wearing, I wish he would tidy his hair etc, etc”? I know it’s not possible all the time, I get that and there are times when it wouldn’t be appropriate but if you are blessed to have them why not show it? The world can be a cruel place but if they know that there is no doubt you love, adore, appreciate and care for them that will go a long way. Not only will it help them to connect more to you but also it will increase their own self worth. I don’t know I could be 100% off track but if love and support starts at home surely it has to grow from there as we are what we learn. Hey I’m not even a parent so you can tell me oh shut the hell up, I don’t mind. But I do mind when I see parents treating their kids like shit or watch the desperate attempts of children to get attention from their parents who’s faces are buried in their phones. When I can’t have children and yet others can I think please don’t ever forget to remember how blessed you are to have them.
Living life sober, raw & real is my choice and it gives me random wandering thoughts like the above rather than the numbed out life I was living and for me at least that is awesome.