I know that there are many reasons for addiction but one thing I will always be very bitter about is the face that it has stolen so much of my life. I know that, I can see that and yet my addiction brain still tries to talk me into doing it again. I am not a stupid person and the fact that I have let this happen is over whelming if I dwell on it.
Is it just me or do others of you that are on your sober journey have days were you think Fuck Yeah!! I’ve Got This I Am So Happy Not Drinking And Will Never Go Back only to get to the afternoon of the next day to go to Oh Screw It, I Think I Will Just Drink Again? And then it swings back again, I can seriously type one day so content and happy that I am not drinking to spin around and have my brain thinking nah, it’s okay you can drink again you were a functioning drunk you can do that again.
Hmm okay so tonight there was a couple of things rattling in my head and instead I thought just go to your saved pictures for this and go to the last one and type whatever it makes you think / feel or just any random shit that comes out really.
Okay what does this picture make me think about, first thought that popped into my head was nice tits, followed by how am I ever going to figure out if I am straight, lesbian or bi? I really have no idea how to figure it out so it just goes as a totally unexplored part of my life.
What does it make me feel, well the road? looks bumpy just as my journey in life is and has been. I notice the lights are very bright at the end, the bright light reminds me that I haven’t shared the fact I died on an operating table. When this happened I have no idea if I dreamed it or what but I do remember looking back down on the table and seeing myself lying there. I was calm but the medical team weren’t but I looked up and I could see a bright light. Once again I wasn’t scared, I was just calm. I looked up at the bright light and reached out but just smiled and said not yet and looked back at my body and some how fitted back in again. The thing that has never left me was that I was not scared, death does not scare me now, calm, just calm.
There you go that is a bit of random rambling for you all.
P.S. still sober and hoping my friend Sober Raccoon is still here with me.
I have been MIA for the week as I have had a bad week and have been angry, sad and trying to stay busy because I am also feeling vulnerable and have a shitty attitude of what is the point of not drinking.
Last Friday I went through the normal afternoon crazy train mind fuck of I WANT A DRINK, NO I DON’T, YES I DO I REALLY REALLY DO BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway when I left work I walked out to my car and went to unlock the door and noticed that it had a huge dent in it. Instant thought was WTF!!!! I went to unlock it to put my gear in and found that it wasn’t locked. Once I had the door open I noticed the dash was damaged the steering column was all smashed and the ignition was dangling with many copper colored wires hanging down from it. Upon further inspection I found that the rear triangle smashed. The tow truck driver explained to me that who ever tried to steal it was an amateur because there is a auto cut-out for the engine if you don’t have the key in the ignition. Now a week later and many sleepless nights I am still waiting to see if my car is going to be written off or repaired. One or two bits of the damage would of got it repaired but add the kicked in door as well the price is climbing up there.
As I have explained before I let myself get into financial shit. My car is really not worth a great deal at all to anyone but myself. If they write it off by the time my excess comes off I will come out with bugger all and I would only be able to purchase a heap of unreliable shit. If they agree to repair I am happy to have my old car back as it has had some major work on the motor and new tyres at the end of last year so I at least know it should be reliable and a good little basic car. I have been losing a lot of sleep just worrying about it all and even if they do repair it I have to find the $400 excess which for me will mean other bills don’t get paid.
The oddest thing is I have gone from being angry with the person to thinking I don’t know what their circumstances are nor what their upbringing was so I have an odd mixture of wanting to punch them in the face OR ask them those questions first before deciding if they are an arsehole or not and maybe still punching them in the face. Not really because I am not a violent person but you get what I mean.
Anyway here we are back at Fucken Friday afternoon.
It’s very much overdue that I put on here that there are things that are so much better in my life now that I am sober. In fact some of them were there the whole time and some I noticed but others I was just so busy being a functioning drunk that I simply missed noticing them. I don’t want you all to think that my posts are all just doom and gloom and a poor little old me pity party. For the whole I am using this blog so that I can get things out of my head and I am finding that by just sitting here typing away and letting what ever rolls out, well just roll it is helping and there are things once I finish I either feel better about or that I didn’t realize how badly they were affecting me and it is better out on here were I can’t hide from them anymore. Anyways sorry back on track to some of the happiness.
Every morning I wake up now I am sober, my head is not clouded with a hangover. I didn’t actually suffer from hangovers very often to be honest but it is not until now that I have stopped drinking that I realize that there was a cloudy, hazy fog that was pretty much always there. I was so used to it being there that I didn’t even notice and just thought it was normal. If I cancel plans now or I am running late and have to reschedule my day it is because I choose to not because I have slept in or get up and just can’t be fucked. I feel healthier (I have a lot of work to do in this area still) as I used to walk the dogs and seriously wonder if I would have a freakin heart attack or just drop dead. I suffer from high blood pressure so the fact that I drank heavily every single night just added to the problem and I really could feel my blood pressure struggling. I don’t feel like that anymore, I do have periods when I can feel very stressed or having anxiety and it concerns me but because I’m sober these moments happen less as well so I am so happy about that. Every morning I wake up and I am happy that I didn’t drink the night before especially on Saturday mornings because fuck you Fridays still cause me to struggle but that makes Saturday mornings even sweater. I have never missed the happiness of having my dogs but I did miss so many moments with them and now I am more aware and present with them. My poor boy dog is so scared of thunder storms that when I was drinking I didn’t even tend to notice and just let him go hide. Now I am aware that he comes and hides under the little tent I made for him between the couch and coffee table and I pat him and talk to him. I used to worry that if a family member got sick or needed me in the evenings or during the night, oh or one of my dogs needed the emergency vet that I would not be sober enough to drive anywhere, I no longer have that fear to deal with.
This list could just keep going on and I will try to make more positive posts because I feel it is very important in the mix. I hate having to deal with things and not being able to numb or dull them but I hated being a drunk more.
I found myself thinking why am I bringing up all this shit from my past and why do I have the need to bring it all out. It was so much easier to just numb myself and stop the thoughts and just not deal with them. Now that I aren’t numbing and blocking things are coming to the surface as I peel back the layers and it is getting raw, painful and uncomfortable. Not only are there shitty things in my life that have been dealt to me but also have thoughts that some of the things are my own fault for being such a weak person and for being desperate for people to love me. Why can’t I just accept that it’s okay if people don’t love you for who I am just move on. Why do I need to connect with people when I am able to survive on my own. Grrrr just to many things bing, bing butter bing turn the fucker off. Why can’t I just leave the past in the past and just not think about it and just think about whats ahead not what has already been?
Following on from reaching out for help on the alcohol / drug help page and getting such a shit arse response I have made another pathetic attempt to ask for help. I was super uncomfortable but threw in during a doctors appointment that I wondered if I needed counselling. My doctor asked me why did I think I needed that and I told her that just with giving up drinking I had a lot rattling around in my mind. She then proceeded to praise me for giving up and asking how long since my last drink along with how much did I used to drink and how often did I drink. My replies in the relevant order over 4 months, 6-8 stubbies of cider a night and every night. She got really excited and then said oh your not that bad are you, you don’t really need counselling do you? If you really do I can arrange it but I don’t think your that bad. So along with the inner shame of having to ask for help in the first place she made my retreat real easy. I just laughed and said nah your right I will be okay forget it. I am already ashamed of being in this situation and having a health professional laugh and say you don’t really need the help do you was just crushing. Don’t get me wrong I like my doctor but I left feeling like an idiot.
I know I’m not an idiot and I pretty much know the answers to these questions but I need to get them out of my head and down here. Honestly this blog is for me to try to purge and make sense of what comes out. I love trying to help and support others on here as well and if anything I am going through helps others than that is a big bonus. If you enjoy reading my blog then you are welcome if you don’t that’s fine as well.
I notice on so many podcasts and blogs that people often write about making the most of every single minute of your life you only have x amount of minutes / hours etc in a day and don’t waste them. I don’t know if it’s my age or what but I see this and I get what they are saying but I also resist the urge to type but wait, don’t forget to stop and breathe. Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses, cuddle a loved one, just sit and listen to your own thoughts, just find somewhere totally peaceful and stop and listen to the birds, the breeze, running water what ever it is just take a moment to notice. To often we all feel like we aren’t living right if we aren’t all setting goals and chasing those dreams and writing lists of the next one. Too often people are just missing and not appreciating the basics.
I had a beautiful West Highland dog named Zeus and he was so funny, when we went on our walks he would always just stop and smell the roses. I am serious there were a couple of rose gardens on the route we walked and he would make a point of stopping and he would stand at the rose and close his eyes and just inhale. One time I was stressed and in a rush to get home and take care of my chores etc and I was getting grumpy and told him to hurry up. He was not impressed with me and just took his own sweet time. I actually stopped myself and thought what the hell am I doing, my dogs are everything to me and yet I am not standing here just enjoying watching him doing something so simple that brought him so much pleasure. Now I never hurry my dogs while we are walking I let them stop and sniff, stop and watch whats happening across the road and we all relax and enjoy our walks. My dogs have taught me to slow down and just enjoy the moment that you are in. Have you goals and have your dreams that is fine but please don’t forget to take time out just to stop and breathe.