God I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this and I really hope this is just a phase that I’m going through but more and more I find myself thinking what is the point really. I really feel like I’m bobbing around in the ocean just treading water, forever trying to keep my head above water and trying to swim towards a better day but there is an under current that keeps dragging me further and further from the shore. I want to believe that there is sunshine on the horizon and that I’m going to make it but after so long I am tired, so fucken tired and it feels like every so often my head sinks below the water line. Inside there is a spirit in me that wants to fight and kick harder and longer. My mind on the other hand is saying why? You have been doing this for years and you are no closer to that horizon. Sounds super dramatic but it’s just how I’ve been feeling for a while now and think it explains a lot.
I need to find away to come up with some goals and challenges (are they the same thing) in my life but I feel like that part of me is just flat lining. A good example of this is I hate being fat and I know what to do about it and yet I still don’t do anything about it, does that mean that I don’t want it bad enough? Does it mean that I can’t see the point because who am I doing it for really? Am I doing it so society doesn’t judge me, oh maybe so when I go to the doctors they don’t say jump on the scales and then put on my file still obese? I know that I would feel better if I did it but inside my will is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.
I need to figure something out in my mind, I do have so many things to be grateful for like friends, home, my dogs, a job, family etc but I just feel stuck and feel like I’m going to be this way for freakin years to come. When I say that I think of the debt that I carry and how it impacts on everything I do. Being poor sucks, being depressed sucks, having blessings doesn’t suck but it does when I can’t focus on them and be happy. Not even making sense now, I am extremely happy about my blessings in my life but so many parts feel stuck and I am the one with the power to change it but I have to swim harder. Hmmm or do I do I need to relax and let the current take me for a while???
My lovely Soul Sister Anna has nominated me for the Liebster Award which I’m not even sure what Liebster means but according to her post it apparently means ‘lovely’ in German. If you want to follow someone who fought and one her demons with alcohol and continues to strive to help others with their addictions then her blog is the one for you, here is the link – https://storminawineglass.com/
Thank you my Soul Sister, my side kick Warrior whom has helped me through many battles and together we have won and slayed that bitch arse dragon. Okay now onto the purpose of this nomination as there are rules as you will see –
Thank the blogger who nominated you, and provide a link to their blog. – Done
Answer the 11 questions given to you. – Done
Share 11 facts about yourself. – Done
Nominate 5-11 other bloggers. – Hey if you want me to nominate you and provide 11 questions just comment and I will.
Ask your nominees 11 questions. – Seriously I will if you want me to nominate you.
Notify your nominees when you have uploaded your post. – Ditto.
Eleven Questions For Me To Answer –
What makes you cry of joy? – When a friend expresses how they love me for me.
Favourite book and why? – I used to read a lot before drinking became a problem but I have to be honest and say I can’t remember anything from back then. I love books but have trouble finding time with work and volunteer work.
Describe your perfect moment of the day – real or what it would be to be perfect. – I love mornings and when I drag myself out of bed early enough nothing makes my heart sing more than being out walking my dogs on a still clear mornings while the sun rises before we get home again.
Your best quality? – Kindness
Is there anything you struggle with that you’re continuously working on overcoming? – Self Image
The best piece of advice you ever received? – Saying you can’t be sad because someone else has things worse off than you is like saying you can’t be happy because someone has something to be happier about.
Describe what ‘hope’ means to you. – Having faith in myself that no matter what life chucks at me I am capable of dealing with it.
What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? For the record – I mean true bravery! Doing a sky dive isn’t brave if it doesn’t scare you. Bravery is doing something that scares the shit out of you! – I think the bravest thing was sky diving to raise money for the SPCA but what the scariest thing I did was facing my fears & anxieties and start going to live concerts knowing that I would be right out of my comfort zone with all those people around me, that scared me more than sky diving.
What did Little You want to be when he/she grew up? – I honestly don’t know, maybe happy.
Looking at a photo of Little You, what advice would you give him/her? – You can’t force people to love you and that’s okay just be you and the right people will love you.
….and what advice would Little You give the you of here and now? – Play more.
Oh crikey 11 facts about myself ……….
Favorite TV program I have watched the box set so many times I have lost count is the Gilmore Girls.
I’m double jointed in a few parts of my body.
I have died once in my life already and it has made me not afraid of dying.
Spiders & rodents both scare me.
I don’t like tea as in cup of tea.
I am attracted to both sexes.
I wish I believed in God.
Spring is my favorite season.
My dogs are my world.
Music must be a part of my day everyday.
When I am in a city I will often stay awake most of the night just watching the night lights of the city.
I’m going to break the rules here, there are so many bloggers on here that I love and adore and I would feel mean picking some and not others and I have seen a lot of you have done this already so am just going to end this here. Anna I love you so much, thank you for being my lighthouse during the storms we went through at the beginning of our sober journey.
I truly do feel surrounded by the love at the moment and it really is because I let myself be raw and honest and let people see my pain and the overwhelming feeling of desperation. By actually doing this and reaching out to my friends for support I was able to get through a very difficult time with the support I needed rather than trying to face and cope with it all on my own. Although I broke down crying numerous times during the day once I reached out and started to feel the support I also felt my inner strength grow. This is something that I have no experienced before and I have to say it was freakin amazing. The support and love that I have been shown now is incredible and it really does make my heart sing and that feeling just glows out into my whole emotional being. I am certainly not the type that will ever being a needy friend but this weekend aged 51 a really big lesson has been learnt. Do not just support your friends because that makes me feel good BUT also allow them the chance to return the favor so they to can experience the good feelings I get when I help them.
I have never been one that has felt comfortable asking for help and have pretty much always been the one helping. Over the last few weeks I have gone through disasters with sickness and injuries with my dogs and between vets and specialist vets the bills have escalated into the thousands. Of cause with specialists you have to pay before collecting your dog and taking them home so for those thousands I needed to be creative and find ways to pay. As you all know I am already in big debt because of losing the will to live, wanting to give up drinking and frankly depression. So for the specialist bill I managed to increase the limits on two credit cards and just managed to cover the bill. To me my dogs are my world and my boy would of been put down if I hadn’t done it and that simply is not an option. This has added to my financial stress and I still have my own vet bill to pay which is sitting over a thousand as well. If you add to this the three thousand I had previously paid eight weeks ago for leg surgery on two legs and another thousand I needed to pay in advance for my other dogs injectable immunotherapy that keeps her bad allergies under control it has been a hell of a few months. I have had friends offering to contribute towards these bills and I have out right declined saying that it is my bills and I simply couldn’t take their money as I know so many people are struggling due to not being able to work etc with Covid 19 lockdown. People kept messaging me begging to be able to help and the one that finally got through to me said the following –
It’s not all about you though! People want to do it because it makes them feel good and they want to help you and Toby and they want to do it because they love you. Swallow your pride and let them help because they want to. You do so much for others it is not to much to ask to let them give to you for once.
I was a little taken back at first but then I realized that they are right and I really do need the help. I typed and deleted posts about a dozen times before I actually went through with putting up a post saying that I really don’t want to take their money and explained that just the support and love I have been given is more than enough. For those that kept messaging and asking for my bank account I provided it along with the bank account for the vet should they prefer to place some money on that instead. I have been blown away by the response and have sat here crying happy tears at people generosity. But it was not just the ones that gave money that had me crying happy tears but also the wonderful supportive messages along with thanks for everything I had done for them. I had no idea that I had touched so many souls. Oh and one message that I absolutely love is from a lady that is going through similar with her own dog and she thanked me for my daily posts and sharing our story as it made her feel not so alone. She explained that people couldn’t understand how she had just spent the thousands on her dog and that if she hears “but it’s only a dog” one more time she was ready to kill someone so stopped talking about it. Apparently my posts and today messaging me gave her the outlet and relatable experience to help her through and know that someone else out there totally understood what she was going through.
I am so very, very blessed and tonight I am going to bed with both my dogs with a heart over flowing with the love and support I have been given. Lesson learnt, if help is offered and you really do need it accept it. BUT I fully intend to pay it forward to others as soon as I am in a position to do so.
Knocked down again today and had to break my bubble and take my dog to a specialist in Auckland. I am so grateful tonight that I was able to bring him home with me tonight and to hear his snoring is soothing my heart and mind. It has cost me a LOT and I had to increase the limit on my credit card but tonight I still have my dog with me and that is what matters.
I actually don’t mind being in lock down but in fairness I have had to go to work for most of it so it wasn’t the same as someone living alone not having any human interaction for the majority of the time. But I sort of wish that I had been able to spend the whole month at home and to be honest am quite jealous of the team members who did. But it has all been for a good cause and what had to be done had to be done. I really can’t wait until the full lock down is lifted but not so I can run out and interact with other people, oh hell no. One of the first things I am going to be doing is going for a walk around my tropical gardens that are here in my city. I miss the peace, picturesque, beautiful smells and calm of the whole place. I am wondering what I will find in bloom there by the time I get to visit it again. It also has bush surrounding it and in among the bush there a beautiful spot below some big trees that I love to sit under and just gather myself and inhale the peace. I often just sit there with my eyes closed and just listen to the bird song as I sit there and feel my stress levels drop.
I’m not sure if this will work but here is the soundtrack I chose to listen to while I am there –
At the vet the other day I was talking to my friend / vet (see you can now tell how much I go there when we have become friend) and my little girl was having a few problems and some how we got talking about how much I have paid there lately. Oh I know what it was she was telling me that she was sorry her bosses were charging extra for consults during the lock down because of the extra expense of the personal protection clothing and cleaning involved. I told her “hey it’s okay I’m not rich but I don’t mind what it costs to me getting my dogs the treatment they need as they are more important to me than money”. What a freaking idiot, I might as well of put a challenge out to the universe of keep slapping this one with vet bills and lets see how much she really can take. With in a few days my boy has developed a problem and suddenly couldn’t pee. The poor boy ended up staying for the day and getting sedated, xrays, blood tests and a catheter inserted to empty his bladder!! Seriously FML, why do bad things that are no ones fault they just keep happening happen to my dogs. They have the best home, best Mum, wonderful healthy food etc, etc, etc and yet things keep going wrong. With my boy rupturing the ligaments in both back legs about 2 months ago I had to add to my current personal loan so I could pay the $3,000 for his surgery and after care. I thought the paid times where behind us as he is walking so well and making really good progress. I have paid for the next lot of immunotherapy treatment for my little girl, first off so her specialist (who has also become a friend lol) had a little bit of money come in while she can’t operate her business for the month. I also wanted to do it so that I knew it was paid for as she does need it in about 6-8 weeks and without it she gets really sick to the point of it could cost her life. That cost another $1000 but it is paid and I know I don’t need to worry about it. Back to my boy yesterday has run up a bill for over $600 and possibly not ending there.
A part of me wants to scream out what the fuck did I do universe!!!! I am a good person who gives and does for many. My dogs have been through enough and they get the best care why do they keep having random shit happening to them? When will my mounting debt every stop increasing so I can actually start to work at reducing it??????? I get stressed over my finances and think shit it’s bad but no, no it’s not cause guess what the universe just keeps adding to it. what I used to think was bad debt was not as bad as I am now and I am scared to think about it.
Then another part of me thinks, fuck you, you will not get me down. There are people out there that are so much worse off than me. I have a home, a job, two beautiful dogs, family and friends that love me. I will work my way out of this, I still have both my dogs with me. I can do this, I’m not putting anymore challenges out to the universe again though!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!