If I could drink myself numb right now I would, okay let me rephrase that, if I could drink myself numb right now I would if it wasn’t for the fact I am an alcoholic. I would love to reach that point when your mind is numb and just not thinking, actually no, no what I would like is that total calmness that I achieved when I gave up drinking and life was okay and I could just calm my mental demons. I would love to be able to escape my grief for the passing of my little dog just for a period long enough to help me steady my mind. I would love to not have to keep talking in my head to stop thoughts of her squealing with the sedation injection and having to keep drawing my thoughts back to ones that don’t make me so sad and tell myself they aren’t helping. Drinking isn’t going to solve it as I know if I start I just won’t want to stop again. If I start I will be pissed at myself for not making the 3 years sober. If I start it would be fucken dangerous as I know to drink like I did previously when I haven’t for close to 3 years would be so toxic and a shock to my body. So I won’t I will just keep riding this out but it is so damn hard. I thought grief gets easier as time passes but almost 3 weeks on I guess it’s just to fresh because it is getting harder not easier. I’m not suicidal but I do have thoughts about if I was to kill myself would I be with her again. It feels like it has consumed me and all the comfort from when it happened has stopped, which is natural because people know you have to move on and get on with your life. Now it’s all stopped and people have stopped checking in is when the loneliness starts to amp up again and the desire to have my soul mate, little buddy, daughter, bestest girl, sweetheart you know all those things that a little dog meant to her childless Mum meant to her. In this lonely covid world has got so much lonelier without her. She needed me to take care of her and help her stay alive and I miss that, having something that loved me so much and relied on me is an amazing connection. If I could build a bridge to Rainbow Bridge I fucken would.
God I miss my little dog! If only Rainbow Bridge had visiting hours, if I could build a bridge I would. My heart is aching tonight and for some reason the memory of me holding her while they gave her a sedative injection and her squealing keeps coming into my mind. They decided that it would be better to sedate her first because she was so unwell finding a vein would be difficult and they would hurt her while they looked for it. It makes me unbelievably sad that our last moments together included her being hurt while I, the person she trusted and loved held her. I am crying now as I type this, how could our last moment together be like that. I miss her so very much and want to be with her again so I can hold her and tell her I am so, so sorry that we hurt her. It was horrible, no it was fucken horrible but there is no way I would let her pass without me there but WHY did she have to be hurt while we did it, this thought breaks me. I try to replace it with something positive, a happy memory anything but the last couple of days it just keeps popping back into my mind. Death is just so fucken final.
I need to slow down, I need to feel, I need to hurt, odd thing to say I know and this won’t make much sense or it will make perfect sense I don’t know. I have thoughts like this roll through my mind – “I can’t be alone in my own mind at the moment, being still and feeling, thinking it all hurts just to damn much.” and “Thousands of tears come to my eyes but no one see’s them as I blink them away everyday”. What did I use to do when my mind became to much? Well I would drink that’s what, I would drink until I was numb. I would drink until I couldn’t think, I would drink until I would pass out and fall asleep. It was never the solution but I tell you what just feeling numb and to still my mind would be very welcome. This is part of my mental health battle when it goes into over drive and the cogs are spinning way to fast it needs to stop and take a break and reset. Where am I starting with this reset? Well your reading it, I’m going to try to get back into posting on here more often just so I can scatter those thoughts out in here. It doesn’t have to always make sense, it doesn’t have to be brilliant but I do have to try to take steps to calm my mind.
I’m starting to feel like a kid that needs to make up imaginary friends so I have some, well so I can tell people I have some. Last time I posted I posted about how I was so lonely and that I have friends but they are in a different city a couple of hours away so I might see them once a year as they always seem to be busy (maybe I should take the hint as I can’t help but think if they wanted to be friends as such and not just acquaintances they would be available more than that). That is a whole another post I guess, or maybe not. Anyway I took two weeks off work because I really haven’t stopped this year as I worked through covid as part of a skeleton team that went in each day so it was pretty full on. I’ve also had to deal with nursing one of my dogs who was very sick and it really was touch and go there for quite some time. Tensions have been high and thank goodness I have my parents as they have been my biggest support. But I have missed my friends as there are things you just don’t want to share with your parents nor do you want to worry them with your depression. I thought over the two weeks I would be able to have the chance to meet up with them if I drove down even if it was just for a coffee or something. I was really excited about the thought of just catching up with them and sharing some laughs and have a catchup. I messaged one and told her hey I’m on holiday and am going to come down would love to come and see you even for a walk on the beach or a coffee or something would you be up for it? The message got seen but no response at all and the next message was a GIF a couple of days later to say Happy Birthday followed by a message wishing me all the best. The next friend I chatted to and sent messages saying would love to come and catch up just let me know which day would suit you and I’ll make it happen. In conversation she went on about something else and the message got read and not even acknowledge, next messages on about another topic.
I seriously feel so sad, I have people that I think of as friends but it really feels like I am just a convenient friend. I have friends that say hey I’m here for you and if you need me I’m there. I know they have seen my struggles and they haven’t checked in or even stayed in contact. I’m not a Debbie Downer (sorry any Debbie’s out there) and won’t just whinge and moan about how sad my life is. When I’m with them or emailing or using messenger I actually feel really good and we have a good laugh. I don’t know I feel like such a loser at the moment. I don’t like coming on here to let it all out because it feels like others are going on about how wonderful life is and be positive and sober life is the greatest gift blah, blah, blah and yet I come on and write shitty posts like this. I know I have so many blessings but I also feel so alone and isolated that it sort of feels like what is the point. Time to stop now because it’s just making me cry and not helping tonight.
“There is robust evidence that social isolation and loneliness significantly increase risk for premature mortality, and the magnitude of the risk exceeds that of many leading health indicators.” – Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Ph.D.
Odd isn’t it, I am very lonely and yet I don’t want people around me. I don’t quite know how to explain it but it’s like a ache inside that I just can’t shake at the moment.
The other night I thought I would treat myself to some Japanese for dinner and after work drove through town to pick some up on my way home. I was driving slowly trying to find a park when some teenage boys, well one really and the others laughed and followed, walked right in front of my car and forced me to stop so I didn’t run into them. If that wasn’t bad enough they all started laughing at me and calling me a fucken fat old cow and looking me straight in the eye as they took their time getting past. It made me miss seeing a park and I drove on so flustered I ended up heading in a totally different direction and had to go around a few blocks just to work back to the Japanese restaurant. As I was driving I was scared that I was going to see them again but then I thought fuck you I wanted my dinner and wasn’t going to let them stop me getting it. I was thinking surely I would be safe and they wouldn’t do anything to me. I hadn’t been to the restaurant before so struggled to find the correct door for the take out area and the whole time I was panicking that I would run into these boys again. Thankfully I didn’t but when I came out there was a group of teenage girls that I think may of been connected to the boys and they were over in the region I had found a park. I was fucken packing myself walking towards and past them praying that they leave me alone. This was all in bloody daylight for fucks sake I thought I would be safe. Thankfully the girls looked at me but didn’t do anything. As I drove off I thought holy shit I never used to be afraid like that, I felt vulnerable, very much alone and my self loathing had been cranked up as I thought I really was a fat old cow anyway. How depressing as my self esteem plummeted when I have already been feeling so low. It made the whole depression and self loath wake up in me and I have been rocked ever since. I even had thoughts like I used to of who the fuck would miss me anyway if I wasn’t here which I haven’t had for a long time. A part of me knows these are young boys that are showing off to each other and having a laugh at someone else’s expense but I don’t think they realize just how deeply their little bit of fun hurt someone totally innocent who had no bad intentions of feelings towards them.
This sort of went off on a bit of a tangent and not quite the direction I was heading when I started to write. Obviously it needed to come out but hey I will say the Japanese was delicious.
I’m in the sort of mood were I would actually love to get totally shit faced until I reach the stage that I pass out and just forget things for a while. This is not a great way for an alcoholic to feel and I know all the blah blah about how I will feel like a bag of arseholes in the morning and that I will feel so disappointed in myself but it’s just how I feel. It’s like when you reach a point of total over load and things start coming down but before you have time to recover the next wave starts to amp up. Rather than harden up and deal with it I just feel the intense need to escape for a moment and step back and make everything numb.
I guess as an alcoholic that was / is my biggest problem I use booze to numb everything. I think pain, emotions and stress all build up and in order to step back and take a break from them just to relax my mind I use the bottle. Now if I could guarantee that I could do that just for a night or two and take that break then I would be in really dangerous territory because the pull is strong.
I guess instead I will take myself to bed and watch some program until I can fall asleep. I will get up tomorrow and face the day again and my mind will still be thinking but hopefully, eventually I will find a way to calm it down again so I can find some inner peace. Demons raise their heads and sometimes your just not prepared but history is history and as much as you think it’s done and you have moved on it doesn’t mean they go away for good. Stress and anxiety can lower your guard and things that you don’t want to give anymore time they creep on in.
Okay so I tried it, I really was struggling to find a way to feel like I was unwinding from my day and feeling like I was telling myself well done for finishing another work week. I thought it would help to find something to signal that’s it your done now it’s time to relax. After doing some research and discovering that the hand sanitizer we use at work would be putting more alcohol into my body than drinking a Heineken 0.0% beer I figured oh what the fuck why not. The truth is I have been longing for a drink with so much stress in my life that I figured this might keep the desire away. What I wanted to do was just numb my mind, quiet it down, and just think about nothing, stress about nothing, worry about nothing, just rest my mind and let it relax. Another topic for another night I think that one right there.
When I first opened the bottle and inhaled the aroma I flood of memories came rushing back again of my drinking days. I took a swig and yuck, it was revolting, my mouth flooded with the taste of rust and strong floral flavor. I looked at it and thought hold shit I used to love you and wonder if it’s just because it’s 0.0% alcohol. Now the problem was I had another 11 bottles sitting in my kitchen as the only way to buy it at our supermarket was in a box of 12. I couldn’t give it away because, because, well I was embarrassed that I had brought it in the first place. I really don’t have money to waste like that at all so couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.
The next night after I mowed the lawns I thought oh well it’s cold and wet I might as well try again so I don’t waste it. It was so weird this one tasted good, same taste but it was yummy. Now how the hell is that possible, yuck one night, same drink yummy the next night. Not only did I finish that one but I knocked back 3 that night. I wasn’t even thirsty after the first one yet I wanted another and another. I wasn’t worried because I wasn’t drunk but very confused as to why I would be so drawn to it like that.
This repeated over a few nights and when it ran out I went without a couple of nights but then felt like I needed it again to be able to sign off for the day. That box went down pretty much the same but then on the Friday at work it was about 10am and I started to think shit I better stop and get a box of those beers so I have some for the weekend. Fuck me days, what the hell is wrong with me????? OMGosh I was just drifting into my old habits, old addiction it was no longer my sober mind controlling me. I wasn’t drunk nor did I ever feel drunk while drinking them but it was forming a pattern and a habit and my little addictive voice was working over time. I didn’t buy any on Friday night, nor that weekend for the record and I drove home tonight looking at the liquor store and thinking no siree, not for me. Wow it was a slap in the face to realise just how easy it would be to slip right back into my addiction it really is just sitting on my shoulder watching and waiting begging me to wake her from her slumber and release her again.
I feel like I have a zillion things to say and yet at the same time it feels like it’s trapped within me. I have so many things buzzing around my head and that I want to write on here and yet when I do it all comes out jumbled and I think I would also need to put a map with instructions just to figure what is going on in my mind.
- Know My Name – By Chanel Miller – I see you Chanel and I hear you but before I read your story I have one of my own to tell
- Ever just been driving or driven somewhere remote just to scream and yell fuck you, mother fucker!!!
- You absorb more alcohol into your body when using alcohol based hand sanitizer than drinking a 0.0% Heineken Beer
- In debt further than ever but because I had to go deeper to save my dog it changes the whole way I feel about it
- Could I be happier and wealthier with a different upbringing. If you accept and expect mediocre is that all you will achieve
- Sugar addiction is something I need to study up and find out just how to stop the cravings
- Emotional eating needs to stop
- If you keep doing what you’ve done you will continue to get what you’ve got BUT how do you change what you’re doing to achieve something new
- I have more of a longing for a partner and yet I selfishly guard my own space
- How can I even meet someone when I am leaning more towards females and yet live in a city that is quite reserved and small for a city
- Do I have all of these thoughts going around in my head all the time because I aren’t willing to let myself be happy
- Oh and back to the weight problem, still there and nothing has really changed about getting off my butt to do something but in fairness I am struggling to find the time.
- The old saying that if something is important you will find a way to make it happen is that really true when your fighting to keep on top of thing in your life
- Do these thoughts ever stop growing in ones mind.
Hmmmm anyone want a map???? I think I need to start writing some of these out on here like I use to and just see what comes out and if I can unscramble as I go.
I am really feeling more and more like I don’t fit what could be perceived as normal. What the hell is normal I don’t know the answer to that, I guess I’m trying to say that I always appear as the odd one and my opinions and believes are often different to everyone else I’m around or involved with.
Let’s start with my family for an example I am seriously embarrassed with the level of racism in my family. There is a big difference between family and non-family and if it was non-family I would probably walk away from the relationships citing irreconcilable differences. There are parts of my family members that I absolutely adore but as you creep through adult hood you start to slowly see that the people that held up on a pedestal aren’t necessarily everything you built them up in your mind to be after all. Our family is made up of white privileged individuals and apart from my ex who I was with for 13 years I can’t think of a single family member (as in married into the family) that is not a European. This is sort of going off on another tangent with me trying my hardest to explain that I love my family and they are good people but there is parts of them which I find hard to take. There was resistance when I introduced them to my Maori partner and I always remember my father telling me “they are to different to us the cultural differences are to large for this to ever work” and that was it he was never rude to him but his feelings were clear. My mother over time loved him and my brother was so far into his drug life by then that he couldn’t really of cared what or who I was spending my time with.
Hmmm I am thinking this is going to take a lot longer than one post and I really don’t like posts that are to long as I struggle to focus on them all the way through. I am far from outstanding myself because I have so much to learn and I really do believe in the #Blacklivesmatter campaign. I am saddened now to think that I used to make jokes about other races, I use to try to fit in and join in on the horrible joking and racist talk to fit in and to be part of the group. A lot of what I thought was okay in this world I am slowly having my eyes opened just by trying to take things in and understand further. I think a small example of this would be I saw a post on FB of a black Golliwog with the heading I dare you to share me and see how long this is allowed to stay up on FB #Alllivesmatter I did think to myself oh cute doll and there is nothing really wrong with them. I can’t remember if I ever had one as a kid since I can’t remember my childhood but to me they were only ever just a doll. Barbie is white, Golliwog is black, so what just a toy and a doll. Then one of my friends commented on the post after others comments about people being so stupid and they are just a doll “Well you are obviously all white and have never been called a Golliwog in a derogatory manner then have you? How do you think the kids that were called that in a teasing or shaming way felt and probably still feel about them today?” It hit me like a lightening bolt, she was so right (and for the record she is white) this one comment opened my eyes and made me see that it is not just a Golliwog.
More to say on this topic but I am very alone in my family with my feelings towards other races.
Gosh it feels like forever since I’ve been on here and I really did miss you all. Wow in the last 3 months I have been pushed to my limits and I have had to give everything I had just to getting through. I honestly didn’t even have the energy at the end of each day to come on here and I couldn’t get my thought in order enough to be able to type them into a readable blog. I didn’t reach for the bottle which I am happy about but I would be a liar if I pretended I hadn’t thought about it. What I did do in the end was reach for the phone and call my doctor and say I don’t know what you can do to help me but I need help. There has been a lot going on in my personal life and at the same time I have been very aware of some of what has been happening around the world and it honestly felt like everything just came crashing down but I had to keep my shit together because my dog was so unwell I needed to stay on top of his game to pull him through. I am pretty confident that I have never pushed myself so hard mentally, physically and financially and all of this together was just so over whelming. No doubt I will break it down further in here some time as I process things and slowly crawl back to feeling human again.
Today if I had to focus on one thing it would have to be the whole Black People Matter and I totally agree with it. Before anyone starts with “All People Matter” just don’t! I think the best analogy I saw went something like this. If you have children and one of those children are sick then you give more of your focus on that child as you nurse it and give it all the TLC that it needs. You don’t love your other children any less, it’s just that this one right then and there requires your attention. So yes All People Matter but right here, right now the Black People Matter is where the attention needs to be. I am really disappointed to say that in my own family there is more racism than even I realized. I used to give people a free pass and think oh it’s how it was when you grew up or it was how you were raised but the other day I was listening to words coming out of my brothers mouth and that made me think that free pass was bullshit. We both had the same parents and upbringing (sort of) but I do not think like he does and I think his racist views are disgusting and I didn’t realize that they ran so deep.
Well enough for tonight but I will be back again real soon, tonight was more a ramble to start to get my flow back.