I had an epiphany today that just came out of the blue to me, one of those random thoughts that you find yourself thinking holy shit. One of the reasons I emotionally eat is because I view food as a friend, like not a friend you go to the movies with and maybe friend isn’t the right word. Food is my safe place, it has never left me, I enjoy the food I like, I have easy access to it and I don’t rely on anyone else to provide it for me.
It is linked to my loneliness, it is linked to abandonment, it is like a medicine that makes me feel comforted and happy while I’m eating it. Sadly I don’t feel the same once I’m finished then I start bashing myself about being a fat greedy pig with no self control.
I have some friendships where I really love the people but I also find them incredibly confusing and I don’t think I’m very good at this whole friendship thing. I think I need to try harder to find friends closer to me so I can actually have friends to go walking with or go for a coffee, go to a movie, whatever but someone that actually wants and has time to spend with me physically. It seems the friends I have now require a different level of friendship to what I am hoping for emotionally. I realise I’m not making the best sense and this is a messy post. Hmm I’ll try to give an example, I have a friend who we formed a relationship here online and then we actually got to meet and spend some time together. We had a good time and great chats and laughs etc it was lovely to have someone that I felt totally comfortable with. But now it feels like this person is happy to just let this be an online friendship with checking in via messenger only. I’m trying to think when was the last time I saw this person and it may be a year or even two years with the way time flies. Despite attempts by me to go and have a couple of hours together just for a catch up it never happens and feels that she avoids the subject by moving onto something else. I really do get that people are busy but I’m sorta looking for friendships that are more than that. Friendship is something I struggle with as I am an introvert but once I make one and someone drags me out of my shell I basically fall head over heals in love and would do anything for this person.
Back to the emotional eating, I am lonely, I am sad that my friends don’t make any effort to spend real time with me. Covid has made me even lonelier with people staying in their bubbles they just don’t mix as much as they used to, I’m talking about when we are not in lock down. Previously people have suggested joining clubs with similar interests and maybe find friends that way but the clubs / groups all seemed to of folded or now just have interest groups online as they don’t want to be getting together like they used to. Food is fulling a void and food makes me feel happy, I LOVE having the smell of something yummy cooking in my home, it is comforting and feels safe, it’s never gonna walk away from me.
Well here we go again back into lockdown in New Zealand, it’s been over a year since our last lock down for the entire country so we have been pretty lucky really. Sadly Delta has touched down after someone brought it over from Sydney Australia. Delta is 2.5 times more contagious than the last round of Covid we had over here and it stays in your system for longer.
Couple of thoughts on being in lock down – I am pleased we are in lock down and super pleased that Jacinda acted so quickly that she put us into lockdown on the night they knew we had a community case even before it had been confirmed to be Delta. Here we are about 4 days later and we now have over 51 cases in the community with the majority being in our largest city Auckland and other cases in our capital city Wellington.
I really feel for my friend who is deaf as this is such a hard time for her as we all now have to wear face masks when going into essential services (everywhere else is either shut down or closed to the public). We are only allowed out of our neighbourhood for work if we are part of an essential service or for a nominated house hold member to do the shopping of groceries, medical supplies that sort of thing. We have to keep a distance of 2 meters apart from anyone that isn’t with in our bubble. A bubble is the immediate people that are living under the same roof and for people that live alone you can let 1 or 2 people into your bubble as long as you then keep that 2 or 3 people exclusive and don’t share your bubbles with anyone else. Since I live alone I have joined the bubble of an old guy I used to stop in and see while walking my dog on the weekends. He loves my dog, lives alone except for his little dog. It’s okay for a chat etc but he is an alcoholic so it’s a bit tough some times listening to his drunken ramble and I try to go earlier rather than later before he gets to topped up. I do feel a bit sad that I can’t go and visit my parents at all but I wouldn’t want to do anything to put them at risk. I find myself drifting between enjoying just being on my own without having anyone just popping around to feeling really lonely which is dumb as it hasn’t even been a week yet.
The divide between the people that believe this lock down is the right thing to do along with wearing masks, living in our bubbles and having / getting your vaccinations versus the refuse to wear a mask (the police will talk to you and try to educate you into putting it on or arrest you if you don’t), mixing with whom ever and how ever many people they want, anti-vac people is HUGE and very little common ground in-between them. I’ve found it best not to tell people what side I’m on until they mention something that tells me we are on the same side! For the record on here since 99.9% of the people don’t know who I am anyway I am fully vaccinated, agree with wearing a mask (even if you’re against it you’re not going to die from having to wear it for goodness sakes) and although there are things that are scaring me about the lockdown I feel it is the right thing to do. Whether it is and whether NZ is taking the best form of action only time will tell since we have never been in this situation before there are no guide books on what is right or wrong.
Is that heading offensive to anyone? If it is I do apologize I am struggling to describe where my emotions are at as they are really being overwhelming at the moment. I’m so tired at the moment and will be heading to bed early, early after a very emotional weekend. It’s my emotions you see, they are the ones that are up and down with far to many downs. Saturday I spent my day on the verge of tears because I was feeling down and upset about everything. I went for my normal bush walk but that still didn’t perk me up like it normally does. It got to the stage that I was driving my car on the verge of tears again and I told myself stop, stop and start counting your blessings. I am in a car that gets me to where I want to go. I am in a car that passed it’s warrant a couple of weeks ago. Some people have to live in their cars, I don’t. I am going home to my dog that always helps and no one else I’d rather be with. Today was a bit better and for that I’m grateful but now I am very tired. It’s exhausting worrying about money and how I’m going to make ends meet. It’s also exhausting having to fight my emotions and to need to keep looking for blessings all around me. Why can’t I just relax and except things are what they are and know that I can dig myself out of this? So sorry for the ramblings, just trying to release some of the thoughts in my mind in hope that it relieves some of the pressure.
This morning I was doing my normal, dropping my dog to day care before heading to work and we are sitting at the lights just waiting on out turn and next thing I know I realized that I was singing. The rest of the day was pretty average and the best part was picking my boy up to bring him home again to start our weekend together. Todays blessing, my enjoyment of music and singing in the car. Just a moment of happiness and the ability to fall back into a brighter place than the black hole of depression I was heading too. This here is the song, thanks Marshmello & Jonas Brothers for one of those songs that I just can’t help but sing and be happy with.
I try so hard to come out of my depression and this time I started feeling cheery and happy, you know the sort where you’re singing along to you’re favourite song on the radio as you drive to work sort of mood. Thinking to yourself that even though there are things that get you down you can deal with them and are able to work on them and keep improving things in your life. This is how I started my week on Monday morning, happy and seeing my blessings.
Come Wednesday morning when I check my emails before leaving for work and I find an email from Inland Revenue (NZ’s tax department). I opened it and saw that I owe nothing from the previous year after they completed my return so whewwwww big sign of relief. Then I see another email from them and think what’s that one? Open if up and start to read and I literally feel ill and my heart is pounding and my mind is kicking into over drive with what the fucks. It’s an email to tell me that they have notified my employer to change my tax code so I am paying a higher rate of tax. You see a few months ago I had an accident and fractured my foot along with some other injuries. I was not able to work for parts of it and then worked part time for a couple of months. During that time I got income assistants from our Accident Compensation (we are lucky here and any citizen can get financial assistance if you have an accident to compensate loss of earnings or expenses that arise from your accident) so I didn’t suffer any financial hardship. Now what no one tells you and what this email was about was that the ACC is seen as a secondary employer and if you have more than one employer here you have to pay a higher tax rate. It was a kick in the guts and my pay for this fortnight the tax deducted was another $370 which really hurts when I am already just surviving and slowly paying off my debt. I was just feeling positive about my debt and the fact that it had stopped going up and I was starting to see it go down.
Anyway that sent me into a big emotional depression feeling like a total loser and back to struggling to find a way to meet the minimum payments on my bills. Instead of singing on my way home that night from work I cried and I had a few more cry sessions during the evening while feeling sorry for myself and panicking trying to figure out how I’m going to cope. I didn’t sleep very well and woke up during the night not able to sleep and watched telly instead. As I got out of the shower this morning I thought this is dumb, I’m not dying, I’m okay, I can do this. I’ve just got to start looking for the positive and not dwell on this and let it drag me back into the black hole of depression. As I thought about it I was pulling on my undies following my shower and I thought, well at least I’ve got clean & comfortable undies, not everyone can start their day like that. There was a positive right there, next thank goodness I’ve got warm clothes to put on. Walk into the bedroom to dry my hair and there laying on the bed was my dog, thank goodness he is well and happy. There is another blessing right there which a year ago we weren’t sure we were going to see. I’m just gonna keep finding the blessings in the small things and deal with the loss of income and dealing with my debt the best I can. Once I’m finished paying at least one of the debts off I’m gonna be proud of myself for facing this and dealing with it, there is another blessing, the chance to turn this into feeling proud of myself.
Guess what I have more clean undies so tomorrow after my morning shower I already have a blessing waiting for me. I hope you have an abundance of blessings through out your day that you are noticing.
How many of you have heard the words “I’m sorry” from someone that genuinely cares for you so that you know they really do mean it? I’m not talking about people here in blogging world, even though it is a nice thing for them to say so no offence meant there. I’m talking about from someone that loves you and that matters deeply to you so you know that it is a really heart felt sorry given knowing that they really do wish it hadn’t happened to you and they would reverse it if they could. I experienced this recently and it really does matter, in fact it is enormous to have someone say sorry and I can’t totally explain why. I think it’s finally an acknowledgement from someone you love.
I am sure it’s heightened for me by the fact that I carry my rapes with me like some dirty little secret in order to protect people I love including family. I’ve discussed on here before how if I was to put it out there what happened to me it would hurt others so much that it’s just not worth it as it’s not going to change anything. So as part of not saying anything there are in fact very few people who know about that part of my past in my life and others on here and that is it.
So when someone you love and you know loves you it really is huge to have acknowledgement of what you have been through and had to carry – HUGE!!! I did not realise until it happened and I hadn’t really thought about it much before either but to have acknowledgement of your pain and the burden you have carried from someone like that it makes you feel that someone has seen you, the real you. Someone has seen the real you and knows your past, knows what you have carried inside and still carry and they acknowledge your journey. It’s not something to get over, it’s not something you can shout out to the world, it’s not even something you get to use so people understand that there are still sad days in your life and you know what that’s okay.
I have finally been seen, ME, I have been acknowledged and recognised as ME, I have been told by someone that matters that they are sorry! I
To everyone out there who has been raped (all sexes, ages etc) I am truly sorry that you have to carry that with you. I am just someone out here in the blogging world but I feel your pain, I know there is something you will never recover after going through it. You are a survivor, you must be if you are here reading this! It’s okay to not want it to steal your happiness in your future life as well and you can move forward. It’s also okay to have moments when you are sad, angry and just feel like being silent and being really small for a while well you catch your breath. People can guess what its like but they don’t smell a certain smell or hear a certain sound that in that instant connects you with the past. You can feel that moment, your allowed to be sad but don’t stay there. I’m so sorry for what you have been through and I hope you get to have someone that matters to you one day acknowledge it and see YOU ❤
Sorry this went a bit long, I could of taken my time and drafted it and played with it but it had to come out now while I had a chance.
I keep having the urge to come on here and write but once I get here I back away. It’s one of those urges were I have things brewing and there is a combination of can’t quite find the words mixed with the fear of people thinking what a *un* and backing away. I definitely suffer from depression which I constantly battle to stay positive and not sink into it. I put out all the positive messages and a happy face but inside is a totally different picture. It’s not helped at the moment by an injury so I am not able to get out and exercise as much as I need to help deal with it. This is the part where I feel like like an a-hole, I see happy, happy, joy, joy posts from others and some are from people I wish nothing but the best for but I feel myself go oh shut up. I can’t cope with reading them when I am stuck and that is a really sucky attitude.
Another thing bouncing around in my head is will I never be able to fully recover from rapes while I am busy worrying about other people and what it would do to others if they found out? I’m never going to let it out because my parents do not deserve to find out about them as it would kill them OR they would have nothing to do with me if they took sides. But the main thing is how can I fully heal with the person around me? I don’t know the answer yet.
There is more but that is as much as I can force out tonight. Not very cheery is it, once again that is shit because I do have so many blessings in my life and am so lucky in so many ways but the shitty bits that keep knocking me over has dampened my spirit at the moment. GOT TO GET IT BACK DAMN IT.
Quietly licking my wounds while having a feeling of excitement at the realisation of release from my shackles, that’s how I am feeling at the end of my long weekend. It’s a strange feeling full of so many emotions and with so many I didn’t even realise that I was holding within me. I did not see it before but I need to write it out on here while I process it as I don’t have anyone to talk to that I think would understand. I can’t even do a post on my FB even hinting at it because once again there are other family members involved that are still a part of my world that would probably be hurt by what I have to say.
I saw my ex in the super market after having not seen him for years. At first it caused me to panic and think shit I need to retreat, I don’t want to talk to him but I knew it was to late as there was no way he didn’t see me and it would of been obvious if I had turned around and headed back where I had come from. But what happened next shocked me, I could see him getting in a panic and he was pretending to not see me all while pushing his trolley one way and then another while looking around as if looking for someone in a panic. I was hurt that after we had been together for close to 15 years and yet he couldn’t even say a hi. I had never done anything bad to him while he had raped me, shot my dog, cheated on me and then topped it off by leaving me with an STD which combined with my endometriosis left me so I can never have children. Even reading that I can’t believe part of my feelings from this weekend. Even after I left him he kept chasing me and it got to the point of stalking me. But can you believe I was hurt that he didn’t even say hi to me not even just in passing in the supermarket?? You would think I would be relieved but instead I was hurt. I carried on and grabbed what I needed and got out of there, funny he was waiting outside, not to see me but I assume he had left his trolley with his wife or who ever he had been shopping with. I just walked out and to my car and drove off and did not look back.
I hope I never, ever see him again EVER! I was also sad to realise that I have been holding on and remembering the good times when things were so good and a part of me had forgotten about all the bad times. I know there is a nice side to him along with a totally horrible side and you are very lucky if you only get to see his nice side. I was almost in tears that he had avoided me to that extent, the fact I let it get to me was totally stupid. Thinking about it further over the weekend I have a mixture of feelings but the strongest one and the one I am so glad to find was the inner strength and the realisation that it is 100% over I have no feelings for him anymore, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore which is a huge relieve. I feel like what has been holding me back in my heart and mind has been released. I am free and if there is a next time that I see him I don’t have to panic I don’t have to worry I can turn the trolley around or even ditch it and just leave OR just walk past him and totally ignore with my resting bitch face like I do to total strangers.
This might still taking a bit more writing out because this hasn’t quite come out like I planned rather it’s come out how I think my mind and heart needed it to. I will hopefully make more sense next post, maybe break it down further. Or not even talk about it ever again, I don’t know.
I do want to say thank you to the people who commented way back at my last post when I haven’t even been on to reply I’m so sorry xox
I am increasingly disappointed and even concerned by the amount of racist people I have in my life including family. It is incredibly sad and disappointing at the same time especially when a couple are my immediate family BUT it has helped me find something for #7.
7. Non-racist – When people in your life are openly racist I am often gob smacked and don’t know what to say nor know if my opinion would even make any difference to their way of thinking. The more I realize it the more I realize that I am not racist and for that I thank goodness and love myself for it despite being raised by and with people who are. I don’t dislike anyone for their race nor the color of their skin.
6. Appreciate Simple Things – I love that I appreciate the simple things in life. As an example if I was taken for a date and we just packed some sandwiches and a flask of coffee I would be as happy as a pig in mud. I appreciate and find the blessings in the most basic things and I don’t need money spent on me and would rather that people gave me their time and we spent quality time together. Don’t get me wrong I love going out to restaurants, a good movie etc but I am just as happy with the basics and spending time with the right person. I love this about myself, I value what cannot be brought.