Okay so I tried it, I really was struggling to find a way to feel like I was unwinding from my day and feeling like I was telling myself well done for finishing another work week. I thought it would help to find something to signal that’s it your done now it’s time to relax. After doing some research and discovering that the hand sanitizer we use at work would be putting more alcohol into my body than drinking a Heineken 0.0% beer I figured oh what the fuck why not. The truth is I have been longing for a drink with so much stress in my life that I figured this might keep the desire away. What I wanted to do was just numb my mind, quiet it down, and just think about nothing, stress about nothing, worry about nothing, just rest my mind and let it relax. Another topic for another night I think that one right there.
When I first opened the bottle and inhaled the aroma I flood of memories came rushing back again of my drinking days. I took a swig and yuck, it was revolting, my mouth flooded with the taste of rust and strong floral flavor. I looked at it and thought hold shit I used to love you and wonder if it’s just because it’s 0.0% alcohol. Now the problem was I had another 11 bottles sitting in my kitchen as the only way to buy it at our supermarket was in a box of 12. I couldn’t give it away because, because, well I was embarrassed that I had brought it in the first place. I really don’t have money to waste like that at all so couldn’t bring myself to throw it away.
The next night after I mowed the lawns I thought oh well it’s cold and wet I might as well try again so I don’t waste it. It was so weird this one tasted good, same taste but it was yummy. Now how the hell is that possible, yuck one night, same drink yummy the next night. Not only did I finish that one but I knocked back 3 that night. I wasn’t even thirsty after the first one yet I wanted another and another. I wasn’t worried because I wasn’t drunk but very confused as to why I would be so drawn to it like that.
This repeated over a few nights and when it ran out I went without a couple of nights but then felt like I needed it again to be able to sign off for the day. That box went down pretty much the same but then on the Friday at work it was about 10am and I started to think shit I better stop and get a box of those beers so I have some for the weekend. Fuck me days, what the hell is wrong with me????? OMGosh I was just drifting into my old habits, old addiction it was no longer my sober mind controlling me. I wasn’t drunk nor did I ever feel drunk while drinking them but it was forming a pattern and a habit and my little addictive voice was working over time. I didn’t buy any on Friday night, nor that weekend for the record and I drove home tonight looking at the liquor store and thinking no siree, not for me. Wow it was a slap in the face to realise just how easy it would be to slip right back into my addiction it really is just sitting on my shoulder watching and waiting begging me to wake her from her slumber and release her again.
I feel like I have a zillion things to say and yet at the same time it feels like it’s trapped within me. I have so many things buzzing around my head and that I want to write on here and yet when I do it all comes out jumbled and I think I would also need to put a map with instructions just to figure what is going on in my mind.
- Know My Name – By Chanel Miller – I see you Chanel and I hear you but before I read your story I have one of my own to tell
- Ever just been driving or driven somewhere remote just to scream and yell fuck you, mother fucker!!!
- You absorb more alcohol into your body when using alcohol based hand sanitizer than drinking a 0.0% Heineken Beer
- In debt further than ever but because I had to go deeper to save my dog it changes the whole way I feel about it
- Could I be happier and wealthier with a different upbringing. If you accept and expect mediocre is that all you will achieve
- Sugar addiction is something I need to study up and find out just how to stop the cravings
- Emotional eating needs to stop
- If you keep doing what you’ve done you will continue to get what you’ve got BUT how do you change what you’re doing to achieve something new
- I have more of a longing for a partner and yet I selfishly guard my own space
- How can I even meet someone when I am leaning more towards females and yet live in a city that is quite reserved and small for a city
- Do I have all of these thoughts going around in my head all the time because I aren’t willing to let myself be happy
- Oh and back to the weight problem, still there and nothing has really changed about getting off my butt to do something but in fairness I am struggling to find the time.
- The old saying that if something is important you will find a way to make it happen is that really true when your fighting to keep on top of thing in your life
- Do these thoughts ever stop growing in ones mind.
Hmmmm anyone want a map???? I think I need to start writing some of these out on here like I use to and just see what comes out and if I can unscramble as I go.
I am really feeling more and more like I don’t fit what could be perceived as normal. What the hell is normal I don’t know the answer to that, I guess I’m trying to say that I always appear as the odd one and my opinions and believes are often different to everyone else I’m around or involved with.
Let’s start with my family for an example I am seriously embarrassed with the level of racism in my family. There is a big difference between family and non-family and if it was non-family I would probably walk away from the relationships citing irreconcilable differences. There are parts of my family members that I absolutely adore but as you creep through adult hood you start to slowly see that the people that held up on a pedestal aren’t necessarily everything you built them up in your mind to be after all. Our family is made up of white privileged individuals and apart from my ex who I was with for 13 years I can’t think of a single family member (as in married into the family) that is not a European. This is sort of going off on another tangent with me trying my hardest to explain that I love my family and they are good people but there is parts of them which I find hard to take. There was resistance when I introduced them to my Maori partner and I always remember my father telling me “they are to different to us the cultural differences are to large for this to ever work” and that was it he was never rude to him but his feelings were clear. My mother over time loved him and my brother was so far into his drug life by then that he couldn’t really of cared what or who I was spending my time with.
Hmmm I am thinking this is going to take a lot longer than one post and I really don’t like posts that are to long as I struggle to focus on them all the way through. I am far from outstanding myself because I have so much to learn and I really do believe in the #Blacklivesmatter campaign. I am saddened now to think that I used to make jokes about other races, I use to try to fit in and join in on the horrible joking and racist talk to fit in and to be part of the group. A lot of what I thought was okay in this world I am slowly having my eyes opened just by trying to take things in and understand further. I think a small example of this would be I saw a post on FB of a black Golliwog with the heading I dare you to share me and see how long this is allowed to stay up on FB #Alllivesmatter I did think to myself oh cute doll and there is nothing really wrong with them. I can’t remember if I ever had one as a kid since I can’t remember my childhood but to me they were only ever just a doll. Barbie is white, Golliwog is black, so what just a toy and a doll. Then one of my friends commented on the post after others comments about people being so stupid and they are just a doll “Well you are obviously all white and have never been called a Golliwog in a derogatory manner then have you? How do you think the kids that were called that in a teasing or shaming way felt and probably still feel about them today?” It hit me like a lightening bolt, she was so right (and for the record she is white) this one comment opened my eyes and made me see that it is not just a Golliwog.
More to say on this topic but I am very alone in my family with my feelings towards other races.
Gosh it feels like forever since I’ve been on here and I really did miss you all. Wow in the last 3 months I have been pushed to my limits and I have had to give everything I had just to getting through. I honestly didn’t even have the energy at the end of each day to come on here and I couldn’t get my thought in order enough to be able to type them into a readable blog. I didn’t reach for the bottle which I am happy about but I would be a liar if I pretended I hadn’t thought about it. What I did do in the end was reach for the phone and call my doctor and say I don’t know what you can do to help me but I need help. There has been a lot going on in my personal life and at the same time I have been very aware of some of what has been happening around the world and it honestly felt like everything just came crashing down but I had to keep my shit together because my dog was so unwell I needed to stay on top of his game to pull him through. I am pretty confident that I have never pushed myself so hard mentally, physically and financially and all of this together was just so over whelming. No doubt I will break it down further in here some time as I process things and slowly crawl back to feeling human again.
Today if I had to focus on one thing it would have to be the whole Black People Matter and I totally agree with it. Before anyone starts with “All People Matter” just don’t! I think the best analogy I saw went something like this. If you have children and one of those children are sick then you give more of your focus on that child as you nurse it and give it all the TLC that it needs. You don’t love your other children any less, it’s just that this one right then and there requires your attention. So yes All People Matter but right here, right now the Black People Matter is where the attention needs to be. I am really disappointed to say that in my own family there is more racism than even I realized. I used to give people a free pass and think oh it’s how it was when you grew up or it was how you were raised but the other day I was listening to words coming out of my brothers mouth and that made me think that free pass was bullshit. We both had the same parents and upbringing (sort of) but I do not think like he does and I think his racist views are disgusting and I didn’t realize that they ran so deep.
Well enough for tonight but I will be back again real soon, tonight was more a ramble to start to get my flow back.
God I hope I’m not alone in feeling like this and I really hope this is just a phase that I’m going through but more and more I find myself thinking what is the point really. I really feel like I’m bobbing around in the ocean just treading water, forever trying to keep my head above water and trying to swim towards a better day but there is an under current that keeps dragging me further and further from the shore. I want to believe that there is sunshine on the horizon and that I’m going to make it but after so long I am tired, so fucken tired and it feels like every so often my head sinks below the water line. Inside there is a spirit in me that wants to fight and kick harder and longer. My mind on the other hand is saying why? You have been doing this for years and you are no closer to that horizon. Sounds super dramatic but it’s just how I’ve been feeling for a while now and think it explains a lot.
I need to find away to come up with some goals and challenges (are they the same thing) in my life but I feel like that part of me is just flat lining. A good example of this is I hate being fat and I know what to do about it and yet I still don’t do anything about it, does that mean that I don’t want it bad enough? Does it mean that I can’t see the point because who am I doing it for really? Am I doing it so society doesn’t judge me, oh maybe so when I go to the doctors they don’t say jump on the scales and then put on my file still obese? I know that I would feel better if I did it but inside my will is gone and I don’t know how to get it back.
I need to figure something out in my mind, I do have so many things to be grateful for like friends, home, my dogs, a job, family etc but I just feel stuck and feel like I’m going to be this way for freakin years to come. When I say that I think of the debt that I carry and how it impacts on everything I do. Being poor sucks, being depressed sucks, having blessings doesn’t suck but it does when I can’t focus on them and be happy. Not even making sense now, I am extremely happy about my blessings in my life but so many parts feel stuck and I am the one with the power to change it but I have to swim harder. Hmmm or do I do I need to relax and let the current take me for a while???
My lovely Soul Sister Anna has nominated me for the Liebster Award which I’m not even sure what Liebster means but according to her post it apparently means ‘lovely’ in German. If you want to follow someone who fought and one her demons with alcohol and continues to strive to help others with their addictions then her blog is the one for you, here is the link – https://storminawineglass.com/
Thank you my Soul Sister, my side kick Warrior whom has helped me through many battles and together we have won and slayed that bitch arse dragon. Okay now onto the purpose of this nomination as there are rules as you will see –
- Thank the blogger who nominated you, and provide a link to their blog. – Done
- Answer the 11 questions given to you. – Done
- Share 11 facts about yourself. – Done
- Nominate 5-11 other bloggers. – Hey if you want me to nominate you and provide 11 questions just comment and I will.
- Ask your nominees 11 questions. – Seriously I will if you want me to nominate you.
- Notify your nominees when you have uploaded your post. – Ditto.
Eleven Questions For Me To Answer –
- What makes you cry of joy? – When a friend expresses how they love me for me.
- Favourite book and why? – I used to read a lot before drinking became a problem but I have to be honest and say I can’t remember anything from back then. I love books but have trouble finding time with work and volunteer work.
- Describe your perfect moment of the day – real or what it would be to be perfect. – I love mornings and when I drag myself out of bed early enough nothing makes my heart sing more than being out walking my dogs on a still clear mornings while the sun rises before we get home again.
- Your best quality? – Kindness
- Is there anything you struggle with that you’re continuously working on overcoming? – Self Image
- The best piece of advice you ever received? – Saying you can’t be sad because someone else has things worse off than you is like saying you can’t be happy because someone has something to be happier about.
- Describe what ‘hope’ means to you. – Having faith in myself that no matter what life chucks at me I am capable of dealing with it.
- What is the bravest thing you’ve ever done? For the record – I mean true bravery! Doing a sky dive isn’t brave if it doesn’t scare you. Bravery is doing something that scares the shit out of you! – I think the bravest thing was sky diving to raise money for the SPCA but what the scariest thing I did was facing my fears & anxieties and start going to live concerts knowing that I would be right out of my comfort zone with all those people around me, that scared me more than sky diving.
- What did Little You want to be when he/she grew up? – I honestly don’t know, maybe happy.
- Looking at a photo of Little You, what advice would you give him/her? – You can’t force people to love you and that’s okay just be you and the right people will love you.
- ….and what advice would Little You give the you of here and now? – Play more.
Oh crikey 11 facts about myself ……….
- Favorite TV program I have watched the box set so many times I have lost count is the Gilmore Girls.
- I’m double jointed in a few parts of my body.
- I have died once in my life already and it has made me not afraid of dying.
- Spiders & rodents both scare me.
- I don’t like tea as in cup of tea.
- I am attracted to both sexes.
- I wish I believed in God.
- Spring is my favorite season.
- My dogs are my world.
- Music must be a part of my day everyday.
- When I am in a city I will often stay awake most of the night just watching the night lights of the city.
I’m going to break the rules here, there are so many bloggers on here that I love and adore and I would feel mean picking some and not others and I have seen a lot of you have done this already so am just going to end this here. Anna I love you so much, thank you for being my lighthouse during the storms we went through at the beginning of our sober journey.
I truly do feel surrounded by the love at the moment and it really is because I let myself be raw and honest and let people see my pain and the overwhelming feeling of desperation. By actually doing this and reaching out to my friends for support I was able to get through a very difficult time with the support I needed rather than trying to face and cope with it all on my own. Although I broke down crying numerous times during the day once I reached out and started to feel the support I also felt my inner strength grow. This is something that I have no experienced before and I have to say it was freakin amazing. The support and love that I have been shown now is incredible and it really does make my heart sing and that feeling just glows out into my whole emotional being. I am certainly not the type that will ever being a needy friend but this weekend aged 51 a really big lesson has been learnt. Do not just support your friends because that makes me feel good BUT also allow them the chance to return the favor so they to can experience the good feelings I get when I help them.
I have never been one that has felt comfortable asking for help and have pretty much always been the one helping. Over the last few weeks I have gone through disasters with sickness and injuries with my dogs and between vets and specialist vets the bills have escalated into the thousands. Of cause with specialists you have to pay before collecting your dog and taking them home so for those thousands I needed to be creative and find ways to pay. As you all know I am already in big debt because of losing the will to live, wanting to give up drinking and frankly depression. So for the specialist bill I managed to increase the limits on two credit cards and just managed to cover the bill. To me my dogs are my world and my boy would of been put down if I hadn’t done it and that simply is not an option. This has added to my financial stress and I still have my own vet bill to pay which is sitting over a thousand as well. If you add to this the three thousand I had previously paid eight weeks ago for leg surgery on two legs and another thousand I needed to pay in advance for my other dogs injectable immunotherapy that keeps her bad allergies under control it has been a hell of a few months. I have had friends offering to contribute towards these bills and I have out right declined saying that it is my bills and I simply couldn’t take their money as I know so many people are struggling due to not being able to work etc with Covid 19 lockdown. People kept messaging me begging to be able to help and the one that finally got through to me said the following –
It’s not all about you though! People want to do it because it makes them feel good and they want to help you and Toby and they want to do it because they love you. Swallow your pride and let them help because they want to. You do so much for others it is not to much to ask to let them give to you for once.
I was a little taken back at first but then I realized that they are right and I really do need the help. I typed and deleted posts about a dozen times before I actually went through with putting up a post saying that I really don’t want to take their money and explained that just the support and love I have been given is more than enough. For those that kept messaging and asking for my bank account I provided it along with the bank account for the vet should they prefer to place some money on that instead. I have been blown away by the response and have sat here crying happy tears at people generosity. But it was not just the ones that gave money that had me crying happy tears but also the wonderful supportive messages along with thanks for everything I had done for them. I had no idea that I had touched so many souls. Oh and one message that I absolutely love is from a lady that is going through similar with her own dog and she thanked me for my daily posts and sharing our story as it made her feel not so alone. She explained that people couldn’t understand how she had just spent the thousands on her dog and that if she hears “but it’s only a dog” one more time she was ready to kill someone so stopped talking about it. Apparently my posts and today messaging me gave her the outlet and relatable experience to help her through and know that someone else out there totally understood what she was going through.
I am so very, very blessed and tonight I am going to bed with both my dogs with a heart over flowing with the love and support I have been given. Lesson learnt, if help is offered and you really do need it accept it. BUT I fully intend to pay it forward to others as soon as I am in a position to do so.
Knocked down again today and had to break my bubble and take my dog to a specialist in Auckland. I am so grateful tonight that I was able to bring him home with me tonight and to hear his snoring is soothing my heart and mind. It has cost me a LOT and I had to increase the limit on my credit card but tonight I still have my dog with me and that is what matters.