I keep having the urge to come on here and write but once I get here I back away. It’s one of those urges were I have things brewing and there is a combination of can’t quite find the words mixed with the fear of people thinking what a *un* and backing away. I definitely suffer from depression which I constantly battle to stay positive and not sink into it. I put out all the positive messages and a happy face but inside is a totally different picture. It’s not helped at the moment by an injury so I am not able to get out and exercise as much as I need to help deal with it. This is the part where I feel like like an a-hole, I see happy, happy, joy, joy posts from others and some are from people I wish nothing but the best for but I feel myself go oh shut up. I can’t cope with reading them when I am stuck and that is a really sucky attitude.
Another thing bouncing around in my head is will I never be able to fully recover from rapes while I am busy worrying about other people and what it would do to others if they found out? I’m never going to let it out because my parents do not deserve to find out about them as it would kill them OR they would have nothing to do with me if they took sides. But the main thing is how can I fully heal with the person around me? I don’t know the answer yet.
There is more but that is as much as I can force out tonight. Not very cheery is it, once again that is shit because I do have so many blessings in my life and am so lucky in so many ways but the shitty bits that keep knocking me over has dampened my spirit at the moment. GOT TO GET IT BACK DAMN IT.
Lights on, Lights Off – Blew the Bulb
Quietly licking my wounds while having a feeling of excitement at the realisation of release from my shackles, that’s how I am feeling at the end of my long weekend. It’s a strange feeling full of so many emotions and with so many I didn’t even realise that I was holding within me. I did not see it before but I need to write it out on here while I process it as I don’t have anyone to talk to that I think would understand. I can’t even do a post on my FB even hinting at it because once again there are other family members involved that are still a part of my world that would probably be hurt by what I have to say.
I saw my ex in the super market after having not seen him for years. At first it caused me to panic and think shit I need to retreat, I don’t want to talk to him but I knew it was to late as there was no way he didn’t see me and it would of been obvious if I had turned around and headed back where I had come from. But what happened next shocked me, I could see him getting in a panic and he was pretending to not see me all while pushing his trolley one way and then another while looking around as if looking for someone in a panic. I was hurt that after we had been together for close to 15 years and yet he couldn’t even say a hi. I had never done anything bad to him while he had raped me, shot my dog, cheated on me and then topped it off by leaving me with an STD which combined with my endometriosis left me so I can never have children. Even reading that I can’t believe part of my feelings from this weekend. Even after I left him he kept chasing me and it got to the point of stalking me. But can you believe I was hurt that he didn’t even say hi to me not even just in passing in the supermarket?? You would think I would be relieved but instead I was hurt. I carried on and grabbed what I needed and got out of there, funny he was waiting outside, not to see me but I assume he had left his trolley with his wife or who ever he had been shopping with. I just walked out and to my car and drove off and did not look back.
I hope I never, ever see him again EVER! I was also sad to realise that I have been holding on and remembering the good times when things were so good and a part of me had forgotten about all the bad times. I know there is a nice side to him along with a totally horrible side and you are very lucky if you only get to see his nice side. I was almost in tears that he had avoided me to that extent, the fact I let it get to me was totally stupid. Thinking about it further over the weekend I have a mixture of feelings but the strongest one and the one I am so glad to find was the inner strength and the realisation that it is 100% over I have no feelings for him anymore, he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore which is a huge relieve. I feel like what has been holding me back in my heart and mind has been released. I am free and if there is a next time that I see him I don’t have to panic I don’t have to worry I can turn the trolley around or even ditch it and just leave OR just walk past him and totally ignore with my resting bitch face like I do to total strangers.
This might still taking a bit more writing out because this hasn’t quite come out like I planned rather it’s come out how I think my mind and heart needed it to. I will hopefully make more sense next post, maybe break it down further. Or not even talk about it ever again, I don’t know.
I do want to say thank you to the people who commented way back at my last post when I haven’t even been on to reply I’m so sorry xox
I am increasingly disappointed and even concerned by the amount of racist people I have in my life including family. It is incredibly sad and disappointing at the same time especially when a couple are my immediate family BUT it has helped me find something for #7.
7. Non-racist – When people in your life are openly racist I am often gob smacked and don’t know what to say nor know if my opinion would even make any difference to their way of thinking. The more I realize it the more I realize that I am not racist and for that I thank goodness and love myself for it despite being raised by and with people who are. I don’t dislike anyone for their race nor the color of their skin.
6. Appreciate Simple Things – I love that I appreciate the simple things in life. As an example if I was taken for a date and we just packed some sandwiches and a flask of coffee I would be as happy as a pig in mud. I appreciate and find the blessings in the most basic things and I don’t need money spent on me and would rather that people gave me their time and we spent quality time together. Don’t get me wrong I love going out to restaurants, a good movie etc but I am just as happy with the basics and spending time with the right person. I love this about myself, I value what cannot be brought.
Hmm struggling a bit to find something today but think this one will count.
5. – Generous – This morning I was all ready to take my dog for a walk when I got a call from my father, he was pretty stressed and told me that one of his neighbors dogs had just been attacked by another one and they needed to find a vet in a hurry. I was able to tell him the name and number for the on call emergency vet as they would all be closed today being a public holiday. I explained that they would get the answering service who would take their details and then the vet would phone them back. After I hung up I was so worried about the little dog and I suddenly remembered that I had liquid pain killer and anti-inflammatory in the fridge from my own dogs and that it would really help if they couldn’t get the vet straight away. I phoned back and they were waiting for the vet to call them back. I explained what I had and that I would leave now to bring it up to them but if the vet called and could meet them now to just go and don’t wait. It’s about 15-20 minute drive to their place and thankfully I arrived just as they were leaving the property on route to the vet. With struggling to think of something today I think this one counts as being generous and going out of my way to do something for a stranger (I have never meet the people) because I can and because I can’t stand thinking of something suffering. The poor little dog is still at the vet tonight and they are going to try to save it’s eye but are not making any promises.
While out walking my dog today it took twice as long as I meet up with others from around the neighborhood doing the same with their dogs. It’s really nice with having a dog that when you meet people you know you already have at least one common interest and the dogs are always a great way to break the ice and start to form friendships. This is really good for someone like me with low self confidence and being very shy and suffering from anxiety. But today I noticed something different and it was because I spend the day consciously watching out for something that I can include in the 50 Things I Love About Me posts. It’s actually helping because instead of focusing on the negative and putting myself down for things I am actively searching for the good. I have always thought people stopped because of the dogs and because they are so darn cute (well dog now but you get what I mean). But today I noticed that the people stayed and chatted because they wanted to chat with me. Normally I just give a hi to them and their dog/s and then carry on but this time that wasn’t possible because they all (x3) struck up further conversation and not only that they wanted to keep the conversation going for a while.
4. – Great listener – I love that I am a great listener and that I make people feel heard. I always try to listen and take note of things people say and also try to look at them while they are saying it. I don’t try to talk over them nor do I interrupt their conversation to say something like “oh yes, this one time the same thing happened to me and blah, blah, blah”. I like to make people feel like they really matter. I have a crap memory (my therapist told me this is linked to my PTS) for most things but with people I feel a connection with I really, REALLY try hard to remember the things that are important to them and actively ask them about it when I meet up with them again. I love that because of my great listening ability I can make people feel heard and that they want to be my friend.
My number 3 thing I love about me is something I think, I seriously hope, is something that we are all capable of.
3. – Loving something so much I would literally die for it. – I seriously love my dog and previous dogs so much that I would be willing to die for them. I love them so deeply that until I had them I was no aware that I was capable of such deep love. I love that I am capable of achieving such deep love despite anything I have been through. I love that I have not totally switched off to being able to feel and express such love.
P.S. The photo is not my dog, I wish it was one of my dogs because it’s pretty darn cute.
What the fuck was I thinking, seriously why would I ever think I could think of 50 things I love about myself!!! I even gave myself anxiety thinking about it during the night, unbelievable. This morning in the shower I’m standing there thinking I can’t even think of a number 2, what the hell is wrong with me, what a stupid arse, dumb arse thing to think I was capable of.
That that right there was me last night, this morning and during the day but then tonight I am sitting here thinking oh hell no, don’t you stop. Having thoughts like this really does prove how much I need to do this! I don’t care how lame some sound nor how minimal they are I’m doing this – at least one thing I love about me until I reach 50 things.
2. – Love of Animals & Especially Dogs – I freakin love animals, all animals but I have very strong bonds with dogs. Dogs like me and my own dog along with previous dogs I have had are very bonded with me. I love this part of me, I will help any animal I see in need. I think my bond with animals will always be stronger than with humans. I am much more comfortable around them and their love is unconditional.
Hmm does that count as something I love or something I love myself for, don’t know there is a fine line I guess but I’m counting it. Either way I love the part of me that loves animals so very much and that, that makes me happy.
Well let’s start off with this feels like a bit of a wanky thing to do BUT fuck it this is my blog and it is my mental health journey and I will do what I need to do to improve things for myself. Please note that if you interested in the 50 things you might want to check back much, much later because the rule I have made for myself is that I have to add at least 1 thing to this list each day until I reach 50 reasons to love myself. I will share with you some time just how messed up my mind can be when it’s in a dark place and the things I find myself thinking about ME. It’s not nice and if I heard my friends mind speaking to them like that I would kick their minds arse, in a matter of speaking. I will share it some time, it’s a dark place but it’s one that I know I am not alone in my way of thinking nor the dark places our minds can take us to. Back to the 50 things I do like I am thinking that training my mind to find a good thing each day will hopefully form a habit, let’s see how that goes for me ah.
- – Generosity – Giving to strangers – Today I had to go for a blood test and when I stuck my arm out the lady taking the blood (don’t think they are called nurses) asked me “You donate blood don’t you?” I must of looked a bit stunned and said “Yes, yes I do, how can you tell?” Her reply was “Because I can see where that they use the arm you presented the most as it has the marks from it”. I had no idea that it leaves marks but looking now I can see that it does. She then proceeded to ask me “why do you do it?” and I was able to answer without hesitation because it’s always been why – “Because I love the thought of helping a perfect stranger and hopefully being part of the reason they get better or live from my blood.” I think told her that “I always feel so good and can’t stop smiling when I receive the text to say, thank you for your donation it has now been used to save a live”. I love this about me I get pure joy from helping others, it doesn’t cost me anything but my time and yet it is so valuable to someone else. On a side note when I first started donating it was awesome to find out that I am a rare blood type B+
There you go let’s see if I can keep this up but even writing this one has made me smile tonight.
I stumbled across this image while scrolling through FB (I know I should know better while I’m already depressed) sitting here procrastinating today and thought well there is something that I should give myself credit and some love for. I really have walked through fucken hell a few times in my life. With the really bad things that have happened in my life there wasn’t anyone to pick me up afterwards, there wasn’t even anyone I could talk about it to afterwards. I think I have been so busy protecting others that I haven’t actually taken the time to think about what I have achieved on my own.
Oh that made me think of something else I don’t give enough credit for and that is my amazing heart. The reason I don’t tell people that know me what has happened in my life is in order to protect them from hurt. I don’t know if many people do this but I am proud that I have been able to do it.
Only a short post tonight, it’s actually hard to type about myself in a good way and say things that I love myself for. It shouldn’t be because I have never actually mentioned my name on here so it’s not like any of you are going to knock on my door and say hey what’s that bullshit about.