Out of Order

Sorry really cheating tonight, am feeling really down and hopefully will wake up with a better mood / energy level. I don’t feel like posting but know I should and really don’t want to lose my number of posting days in a row streak.

Right from this morning my self esteem has taken a knock and this causes me to spiral into feeling like crap about myself and taking everything far to personally, over thinking, imagining things that probably aren’t even real and being pathetic and needy. Crap, crap, crap!!!!

What a difference a day can make I can go from thinking yep I am doing so good and feeling so positive to feeling like all I wanna do is cry. Arrrggggghhh pathetic. Hopefully I will think of something more positive to share with you all tomorrow.

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In my sight of vision is LIFE and NOT dying anymore.

Previously I have posted on here how in some of my darkest moments I have seriously considered suicide. I was so depressed and didn’t even have the energy to look up for the light at the end of the tunnel. I would of done it too if it had not been for my dogs especially my little girl dog. I always felt bad for how my family and friends would of felt if I had done it but it was the only way I could think of to end the pain, sorrow and emptiness I felt and if you add to that the fact that I felt totally worthless and that it really didn’t matter if I hung around or not. But when I looked in my little girls eyes I could not do it, you see I think she would die without me. She is so close to me and if I go away my mother has trouble even getting her to eat so I try to not go away for more than a few nights at a time. But this post is not meant to go back to those dark days.

I still have dark periods with dark thoughts but they do not stay for long now thank God. I can see now how the combination of booze, beta blockers and pain killers was just a disaster waiting to happen that together are a depressant and also slowed my metabolism down which didn’t help with the weight gain. I was living life so numb that I was drowning out the negative depressing thoughts of just how much I hated myself. But instead of helping the booze just made me full of self loath and did nothing to raise my head to see the light.

Today after a year sober I can say that I have raised my head and guess what I can see a light beaming down on me. I think I can even hear a voice saying “You have wasted almost 1/2 your life in a depressed alcoholic state it is now your time. Raise up, reach out for the light and start chasing your dreams.” That voice is loud and clear and it is inside me, in fact it is me and it’s slowly getting louder. If I die today I won’t be dying as that depressed sad drunk. If I die today I will be dying as a person who is full of hopes and dreams. If I die today I will be dying before I am ready because I have so much to do. If I die today I will be dying happy because it won’t be because I don’t want to be here nor will it be because I have drunk myself into oblivion and drown in the bath or overdosed on my meds.

I now have moments of peace and in those moments of peace there is happiness and a fierce sense of pride. I think back now to what I have been through and I am proud of myself, that’s right I am proud of ME. I have no idea how I survived the depression nor how my drinking didn’t kill me but I do know to survive what I have been through and to now turn it around to a person that wants to live and that feels worthy of living really shows me how fucken tough I am.

If you are reading this and you are an addict or you suffer from depression my heart totally goes out to you. I really want to reach through here wrap you up in the biggest hug and tell you that you too are worthy and deserving. You are important and you deserve to have happiness and to be able to see the light and be able to dream and plan for the future you want. It’s hard, it is so hard when you are at the stage I was when you don’t even have the energy to raise your head, I would like to gently raise your chin and help you see the light. I put lots of rambling here as I release things from my mind and my wish is that it helps at least one of you to not feel alone.

Living life sober, raw and real, has finally given me the energy to raise my head and see the light. I’m not just squinting watching the light, I’m reaching out for the light and all the goals, dreams and love that I can.

Where does one start when you have been neglecting your mind & bodies needs for so long?

I am sort of stumbling around a bit at the moment as I feel like I have neglected everything so much that I just don’t know which part needs the attention first.

I have been working with a Chiropractor to get my back / shoulders / hips/ neck all sorted. I hadn’t seen anyone for years and it was painful and wasn’t until he started working on it that I was shocked to find out how tight it was. My shoulders were actually uneven because of everything being so out and tight, I even had muscles locked in spasms so no wonder I was in pain.

I have meet and agreed to start working with a therapist. I have only had one meeting with her and I don’t have anything to compare it with but I think she will be good for me. After our first meeting she has decided that a great place to start would be working on mindfulness & self care.

Being sober and hangover free I can now say that my job is just that a shitty job that pays well but it is slowly killing my soul. I have decided that I would like to look more into becoming and Animal Welfare Inspector and have taken steps to work towards it. I am now going out for the day on some weekends with the local inspectors and learning as much as I can from them along with experiencing just what the job involves so I can decide if it is for me or not. If I do decide to go through with it then I will take the year long university course (via correspondence except for 3 week long parts that I have to actually attend the uni) so that I can qualify. Once qualified I will then have to find a job in the role and then I get warranted (which means that I have as much power as the Police except I can’t arrest anyone only detain waiting for the Police). The shit thing and good thing all in one is that I can keep working in my current job so that I can pay off some of my debt and get that to a more manageable level as I will be taking a pay cut if I become an Inspector.

No easy way to say it but OMG I am so unfit!!! Last weekend I went for a walk with a Soul Sister and I was embarrassed by how much I huffed and puffed as we walked a series of steps up and down a hill. In fairness she was puffing to but seriously her recovery time was minimal and I had to stall our decent pretending I was looking at the view just to give myself a moment lol. My fitness really has been something that I just haven’t taken care of apart from walking my dogs every day and some times twice a day that is about the extent of it. Today, and only God knows why I thought I could do it) I thought fuck it I am going to walk the track which has about a zillion steps up our biggest local mountain (which happens to be an inactive volcano). Well I was only 10 minutes in and was puffing so thought I would stop and pace myself. While I was resting another lady went past that was twice the size of me so I thought sweet I will trail behind her, hahaha what a joke she just soldiered on well my puffing turned into huffing and puffing with frequent stops to “enjoy the view AKA stand there and suck in so much air” because I was so fucked! It felt like it was going for ever and with every turn there was just more gravel track and sets of steps. My Garmen Vivofit was buzzing away like crazy as it is set for a goal of 10 sets of steps a day but I reached 58 sets before I was getting worried that my legs were going to give out and I wouldn’t have the energy to get back down. I turned around and started the descent, thank goodness it was easier to go down than it was to go up. The only problem is I have a screw in my ankle and it did not like it at all. I was so happy when I got back to my car and even happier when I got home and put an ice pack on my ankle. I’m not giving up though, that fucken mountain has become my goal, I am going to smash that bitch and THEN I am going to keep doing it to improve my time.

Living life sober, raw and real is the absolute best gift I have ever given myself. Without it NONE of the above would even be happening. I would still be living my live out of the bottle which frankly wasn’t living at all I was just turning up for life and it was shit.

I think I’m going to hell!!

Well I think my dog just brought me a one way ticket to hell. This morning we meet up with a old lady who is a retired preachers wife. She loves my little girl dog and was so busy giving her attention and making a big fuss over her. Well my other dog ended up bopping her leg with his head to get some attention. She gave him a quick pat and then back to my little girl, hmm my boy bopped again and after waiting and nothing not even acknowledged this time so OMG!!!! he quickly peed on her leg!!!! She didn’t even notice as she was still busy drooling over my girl still. So embarrassing!!! I was horrified.

I think the above is bad enough but I think I got a do not pass GO or collect $200 but go directly to hell because I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything. Just after it happened the bus that the old lady was waiting for came and when I looked over my shoulder at her as she climbed on the bus she was still smiling after making a fuss of my little girl, she really had no idea. Hmm does this make me a terrible person???? My boy can be a shithead, but he is my shithead and I love him to pieces.

Living life sober, raw and real rocks without it I wouldn’t of been up and about so early taking my dogs for a walk EVEN if it did have a holy shit moment in it.

Not A Party I Want To Attend

One of my old work places is having a reunion tomorrow and I have just lied to get out of going. I was considering going but as it has got closer and is now happening tomorrow I just can’t do it. They have all been chatting in a group and all excited and talking about drinking etc and I just can’t bring myself to attend. It’s not just the fact that there will be alcohol around, although I don’t want to be around it at all.

When I was there I worked my way up to manager and all while I was drinking like a fish, actually probably worse than that (do fish drink, I don’t know). I would drink all night, I would probably nod off a bit and then wake up and keep going, until around 5am. Then I would go to bed and sleep an hour or two and then go to work. OMG I must of stunk of booze, I would of been pissed and yet totally functioning at work. How the hell did I do that??? I have no idea how I kept it up as I did that for a good couple of years. Surely I nodded off more than I realized because would the body survive on so little sleep? I really don’t know but what I do know is that on the rubbish collection day my stack of boxes of empty beer bottles made it look like there had been a major party at the house and yet there was only me and my ex (only on the times he bothered to come home).

Going to the reunion would also involve going back to my home town again. I really don’t want to go there either, that town has memories that hurt when I see the places certain things happened to me.

I also don’t know if staff members that I had to fire (for theft) will be attending as I know they have been invited and I have nightmare visions of them getting pissed and then turning quite nasty.

Even typing this I really don’t feel bad about not attending at all and think it is best for ME that I don’t. I do feel bad that I didn’t have the guts to be honest and just say no thanks I won’t be attending and left it at that. I am enjoying living life honestly but sadly this time around it just raised less questions and repeated begging for me to come.

I don’t want to be around booze, I don’t want to drink booze, I just don’t like booze. Starting to sound like something from Dr. Suess now – Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

Living life sober, raw & real, isn’t always easy but it is so much better.

I have something in common with these celebrities….

  • Dax Sheppard
  • Shania Twain
  • Bradley Cooper
  • Rob Lowe
  • Eva Mendes
  • Ben Afleck
  • Macklemore
  • Russell Brand
  • Kendrick Lamar
  • Brad Pitt
  • Pharrell Williams
  • Eminem
  • Gerard Butler
  • Kat Von D
  • Colin Farrell
  • Edie Falco
  • Samuel L Jackson
  • Eric Clapton
  • 50 Cents

Seriously who would think little old me would have anything in common with these well known people? Well we do, and so do many of you that are reading this. We are all choosing to live our lives 100% sober, I like how one friend described it “without anesthetic” that is perfect. But you don’t have to be famous or wealthy to give yourself the biggest gift all you need to do is stop drinking. The difference is hmm like living life with the lights off 24 / 7 versus life with a spot light you can turn on when ever you damn well want. You can feel everything and stop numbing it, oh and if your one that drinks because you are feeling good and want to amplify that feeling you can enjoy it longer, harder, louder what ever it is your doing without eventually dulling it at the end.

Thank you ME for gifting ME the gift of sobriety just like the people above have. Living life sober, raw and real is fucken awesome.

First Therapy Session – Part 2

One thing that my therapist said that made me smile but is so true was “No one wants to become an alcoholic, no one wakes up one day and say’s I’m going to make it my goal to become and alcoholic. They just don’t, it’s not something we decide we are going to do.” Shit not a truer word has been said, not once did I think I wanted to be an alcoholic and yet here we are. I even kidded myself for 20 something years that I wasn’t an alcoholic but was just a binge drinker. Anyway that was just one of the little pearls that she mentioned and I think there are going to be many more.

When it was my turn to speak (I could at any time but preferred to just listen at first to all her explanation on how it works with working with her all the time sizing her up and trying to decide if I wanted to work with her or not) I told her that I have been an alcoholic for over 20 years and that this time around I have been sober for over a year. I explained that I wanted to work the hardest I ever have to ensure that I stay sober and was hoping that she could help me. All the while she was listening and every so often writing. There was lots of “that was really sad” or “you really have had a terrible time in your life” which made me feel so uncomfortable. It didn’t take her long to tune into some things and ask for further clarification on them. We discussed one of my rapes and I explained how I felt about it and my thoughts on it now. She said that I have a good way of thinking about it, but I can tell that won’t be the last I hear of it. A bit later she brought it up again and said how terrible he actually took your virginity, hmm yep he did and I hadn’t really thought about that before I don’t know why but just haven’t. Anyway there was more things like the not bonding with my mother and how I watched a documentary on the Romanian orphans and how because they weren’t cuddled or handled much they rock back and forth in their beds to self sooth and how I do that. We talked about how I need help with dealing with friendships in a more healthy way and not cling on so much and then push away when things get to close. She explained that this was totally understandable and links back to what I have been through. When she asked about my childhood I had to tell her that I don’t actually remember my childhood, this simply brought the comment of “there is a reason for that“.

At the end of all the talking she said what she would like to work on with me first is mindfulness & self caring. She said she wants to help me increase and be able to tap into the peaceful times in my mind. I am not 100% sure what she means on self care, whether it is more me time or more health and exercise I don’t know. Oh she said that she will be working on my ability to be okay with people leaving me and that I will learn that I will be okay if they do and I will even be okay if they don’t come back. I am not even sure what that one has to do with. I know I panic about my friends going away overseas but we didn’t discuss this side of it so she has tapped into something else. She told me that she has tapped into the fact that I am intelligent and smart and that she thinks I will quickly learn what she teaches me and also at learning what methods are best for me.

Today was difficult as I had to explain to my boss that I was seeing a therapist and that she only works during the same hours that I am so I will need to take time out of work. Thankfully I had already told him years ago that I was an alcoholic so I didn’t have to go all over that again. I have asked if we can find away to not let the rest of the staff know what I’m doing, I’m not ashamed I just can’t be fucked explaining anything to them.

I am living life sober, raw and real and I am working my arse off to full my tool box with the tools it takes to ensure I stay that way.