I am increasingly disappointed and even concerned by the amount of racist people I have in my life including family. It is incredibly sad and disappointing at the same time especially when a couple are my immediate family BUT it has helped me find something for #7.
7. Non-racist – When people in your life are openly racist I am often gob smacked and don’t know what to say nor know if my opinion would even make any difference to their way of thinking. The more I realize it the more I realize that I am not racist and for that I thank goodness and love myself for it despite being raised by and with people who are. I don’t dislike anyone for their race nor the color of their skin.
6. Appreciate Simple Things – I love that I appreciate the simple things in life. As an example if I was taken for a date and we just packed some sandwiches and a flask of coffee I would be as happy as a pig in mud. I appreciate and find the blessings in the most basic things and I don’t need money spent on me and would rather that people gave me their time and we spent quality time together. Don’t get me wrong I love going out to restaurants, a good movie etc but I am just as happy with the basics and spending time with the right person. I love this about myself, I value what cannot be brought.
Hmm struggling a bit to find something today but think this one will count.
5. – Generous – This morning I was all ready to take my dog for a walk when I got a call from my father, he was pretty stressed and told me that one of his neighbors dogs had just been attacked by another one and they needed to find a vet in a hurry. I was able to tell him the name and number for the on call emergency vet as they would all be closed today being a public holiday. I explained that they would get the answering service who would take their details and then the vet would phone them back. After I hung up I was so worried about the little dog and I suddenly remembered that I had liquid pain killer and anti-inflammatory in the fridge from my own dogs and that it would really help if they couldn’t get the vet straight away. I phoned back and they were waiting for the vet to call them back. I explained what I had and that I would leave now to bring it up to them but if the vet called and could meet them now to just go and don’t wait. It’s about 15-20 minute drive to their place and thankfully I arrived just as they were leaving the property on route to the vet. With struggling to think of something today I think this one counts as being generous and going out of my way to do something for a stranger (I have never meet the people) because I can and because I can’t stand thinking of something suffering. The poor little dog is still at the vet tonight and they are going to try to save it’s eye but are not making any promises.
While out walking my dog today it took twice as long as I meet up with others from around the neighborhood doing the same with their dogs. It’s really nice with having a dog that when you meet people you know you already have at least one common interest and the dogs are always a great way to break the ice and start to form friendships. This is really good for someone like me with low self confidence and being very shy and suffering from anxiety. But today I noticed something different and it was because I spend the day consciously watching out for something that I can include in the 50 Things I Love About Me posts. It’s actually helping because instead of focusing on the negative and putting myself down for things I am actively searching for the good. I have always thought people stopped because of the dogs and because they are so darn cute (well dog now but you get what I mean). But today I noticed that the people stayed and chatted because they wanted to chat with me. Normally I just give a hi to them and their dog/s and then carry on but this time that wasn’t possible because they all (x3) struck up further conversation and not only that they wanted to keep the conversation going for a while.
4. – Great listener – I love that I am a great listener and that I make people feel heard. I always try to listen and take note of things people say and also try to look at them while they are saying it. I don’t try to talk over them nor do I interrupt their conversation to say something like “oh yes, this one time the same thing happened to me and blah, blah, blah”. I like to make people feel like they really matter. I have a crap memory (my therapist told me this is linked to my PTS) for most things but with people I feel a connection with I really, REALLY try hard to remember the things that are important to them and actively ask them about it when I meet up with them again. I love that because of my great listening ability I can make people feel heard and that they want to be my friend.
My number 3 thing I love about me is something I think, I seriously hope, is something that we are all capable of.
3. – Loving something so much I would literally die for it. – I seriously love my dog and previous dogs so much that I would be willing to die for them. I love them so deeply that until I had them I was no aware that I was capable of such deep love. I love that I am capable of achieving such deep love despite anything I have been through. I love that I have not totally switched off to being able to feel and express such love.
P.S. The photo is not my dog, I wish it was one of my dogs because it’s pretty darn cute.
What the fuck was I thinking, seriously why would I ever think I could think of 50 things I love about myself!!! I even gave myself anxiety thinking about it during the night, unbelievable. This morning in the shower I’m standing there thinking I can’t even think of a number 2, what the hell is wrong with me, what a stupid arse, dumb arse thing to think I was capable of.
That that right there was me last night, this morning and during the day but then tonight I am sitting here thinking oh hell no, don’t you stop. Having thoughts like this really does prove how much I need to do this! I don’t care how lame some sound nor how minimal they are I’m doing this – at least one thing I love about me until I reach 50 things.
2. – Love of Animals & Especially Dogs – I freakin love animals, all animals but I have very strong bonds with dogs. Dogs like me and my own dog along with previous dogs I have had are very bonded with me. I love this part of me, I will help any animal I see in need. I think my bond with animals will always be stronger than with humans. I am much more comfortable around them and their love is unconditional.
Hmm does that count as something I love or something I love myself for, don’t know there is a fine line I guess but I’m counting it. Either way I love the part of me that loves animals so very much and that, that makes me happy.
Well let’s start off with this feels like a bit of a wanky thing to do BUT fuck it this is my blog and it is my mental health journey and I will do what I need to do to improve things for myself. Please note that if you interested in the 50 things you might want to check back much, much later because the rule I have made for myself is that I have to add at least 1 thing to this list each day until I reach 50 reasons to love myself. I will share with you some time just how messed up my mind can be when it’s in a dark place and the things I find myself thinking about ME. It’s not nice and if I heard my friends mind speaking to them like that I would kick their minds arse, in a matter of speaking. I will share it some time, it’s a dark place but it’s one that I know I am not alone in my way of thinking nor the dark places our minds can take us to. Back to the 50 things I do like I am thinking that training my mind to find a good thing each day will hopefully form a habit, let’s see how that goes for me ah.
- – Generosity – Giving to strangers – Today I had to go for a blood test and when I stuck my arm out the lady taking the blood (don’t think they are called nurses) asked me “You donate blood don’t you?” I must of looked a bit stunned and said “Yes, yes I do, how can you tell?” Her reply was “Because I can see where that they use the arm you presented the most as it has the marks from it”. I had no idea that it leaves marks but looking now I can see that it does. She then proceeded to ask me “why do you do it?” and I was able to answer without hesitation because it’s always been why – “Because I love the thought of helping a perfect stranger and hopefully being part of the reason they get better or live from my blood.” I think told her that “I always feel so good and can’t stop smiling when I receive the text to say, thank you for your donation it has now been used to save a live”. I love this about me I get pure joy from helping others, it doesn’t cost me anything but my time and yet it is so valuable to someone else. On a side note when I first started donating it was awesome to find out that I am a rare blood type B+
There you go let’s see if I can keep this up but even writing this one has made me smile tonight.
I stumbled across this image while scrolling through FB (I know I should know better while I’m already depressed) sitting here procrastinating today and thought well there is something that I should give myself credit and some love for. I really have walked through fucken hell a few times in my life. With the really bad things that have happened in my life there wasn’t anyone to pick me up afterwards, there wasn’t even anyone I could talk about it to afterwards. I think I have been so busy protecting others that I haven’t actually taken the time to think about what I have achieved on my own.
Oh that made me think of something else I don’t give enough credit for and that is my amazing heart. The reason I don’t tell people that know me what has happened in my life is in order to protect them from hurt. I don’t know if many people do this but I am proud that I have been able to do it.
Only a short post tonight, it’s actually hard to type about myself in a good way and say things that I love myself for. It shouldn’t be because I have never actually mentioned my name on here so it’s not like any of you are going to knock on my door and say hey what’s that bullshit about.
Well it’s been a bloody long time since I’ve written in here, I’ve thought of it often and had intentions of coming on but just haven’t got here. I think I’m at a point where I need to write things out again just to get them out of my mind and hoping that I can break it down and make sense out of it. It’s going to sound pretty grim at the start I think but I am determined to make sure this has an amazing end, no not end outcome, lets say outcome. I have come to far in my journey and fought bloody hard to get this far.
I have always struggled with, ohh hang on let me just tidy something up since this all started as a blog about my journey of getting and staying sober. It’s now over 3 years and I’m still sober and haven’t been drunk at all over those 3 years. Now I’m not going to get all cocky about that because the longest I have stayed sober has been 3 years and then I fell over the sober train.
Okay now with that out of the way – I have always struggled with my weight, self esteem, self love, basically my inner feeling of self worth was diddly squat or if you like fuck all. I have had a big slap in my face when I realizes I still don’t love myself and this is a problem. I am obese and have been giving blood readings that are concerning as they are showing that I am pre-diabetic. I keep saying I will do something about the weight and would start with good intentions and then just drift off. I am tired, so tired and always struggle with being tired. A big problem with this is I stay up late each night as I reach a certain tired and then I push through that and seem to get a second wind to keep going with what I’m doing. The next morning I am tired and having to get up early for work and the cycle just repeats.
Anyway back to the point of this post, I feel like I need to write this out on here because it is a problem and I need to face it. I thought why don’t I take my self care serious, why do I put everything in front of taking care of myself? The answer came to me and it saddens me and it shocked me to what level I am at. I just don’t fucken care! I don’t care if I kill myself, it’s not that I want to kill myself, I just don’t care if I do. I am struggling with depression and keep getting out of it to just drift back into it.
There it’s out and I hate big long posts so am going to end this one with saying, I know this is a problem and instead of just surviving and getting through I want to start fighting and start loving myself enough to help myself.
If I could drink myself numb right now I would, okay let me rephrase that, if I could drink myself numb right now I would if it wasn’t for the fact I am an alcoholic. I would love to reach that point when your mind is numb and just not thinking, actually no, no what I would like is that total calmness that I achieved when I gave up drinking and life was okay and I could just calm my mental demons. I would love to be able to escape my grief for the passing of my little dog just for a period long enough to help me steady my mind. I would love to not have to keep talking in my head to stop thoughts of her squealing with the sedation injection and having to keep drawing my thoughts back to ones that don’t make me so sad and tell myself they aren’t helping. Drinking isn’t going to solve it as I know if I start I just won’t want to stop again. If I start I will be pissed at myself for not making the 3 years sober. If I start it would be fucken dangerous as I know to drink like I did previously when I haven’t for close to 3 years would be so toxic and a shock to my body. So I won’t I will just keep riding this out but it is so damn hard. I thought grief gets easier as time passes but almost 3 weeks on I guess it’s just to fresh because it is getting harder not easier. I’m not suicidal but I do have thoughts about if I was to kill myself would I be with her again. It feels like it has consumed me and all the comfort from when it happened has stopped, which is natural because people know you have to move on and get on with your life. Now it’s all stopped and people have stopped checking in is when the loneliness starts to amp up again and the desire to have my soul mate, little buddy, daughter, bestest girl, sweetheart you know all those things that a little dog meant to her childless Mum meant to her. In this lonely covid world has got so much lonelier without her. She needed me to take care of her and help her stay alive and I miss that, having something that loved me so much and relied on me is an amazing connection. If I could build a bridge to Rainbow Bridge I fucken would.