Well I guess that makes it official then, I asked for copies of my medical records and in the file I find that my doctor has listed me as an alcoholic. Don’t really know why that shocked me so much to see that on my fact sheet along with allergies etc. But it really has fucked me off and here is why. I have discussed my drinking with my doctor asking for help and her reply has been “oh your not that bad are you, if you really want it come back and see me and I’ll see what I can do”. Now I don’t know if any of you have ever asked your doctor (or any other medical professional for that matter) for help with something you are embarrassed and ashamed of yourself for but I can tell you that for me it was a fucken big deal. With a brush off comment like that you just instantly shut back down and I probably muttered something like nah I’ll be right I just won’t drink or will cut down and left. But for me to see that she actually thought it was bad enough to actually add it to my file but to not help has really fucked me off.
In a visit since while checking in at reception the nurse actually asked me (with others able to hear in the waiting room) so how much do you drink each night now? Of cause I lied and said or just one or two but who the hell wouldn’t with everyone listening. I was really a taken back and thought maybe it was alcohol awareness week or some stupid thing and they were asking everyone. Guess now I was a bit gullible there in my thinking now it’s so obvious in my records.
I’m also pissed with the fact that “Alcoholic” will forever be on my medical records no matter where I go. It’s my own stupid fault and it is true but it feels like I have been branded for good now.
Hmm I don’t think so, time has given me the maturity and wisdom to move on and find ways to cope with things that have happened to me. I don’t think you ever totally heal I think there will always be a scar there. I don’t mean that in a bad way but more in a I have scars and the way I look at them now is different. I am proud of them because I survived and I am not letting them define who I am as a person. Too totally heal to me would mean to be totally erase everything and have no scars but they are there and I just can’t do that. I have needed to remember, deal and process as part of the process of healing the wounds but the scars will remain. You can’t fix or take away what has happened to me but I can choose how I deal with it and without it I would not be the person that I am today. If I could change things so that they never happened to me oh hell yes I would but I can’t and they have already happened. But what I do have control of now is in how I deal with them and what power I give them. When I say I would not be the person I am today had things not happened to me I do not mean that it was great because now I am this I mean that because of what happened to me I have coping mechanisms and skills along with compassion and empathy at incredible levels that I would not of had if the shit hadn’t happened. This is a positive and I am going to be sliding those bits back into a suitcase. Hmm gonna name these suitcases one day so you know just what I have repacked 🙂
When I was raped the first time I was a child, nothing more, nothing less just a child. It was by a family member that should of been my protector and I had idolized him and had him up on a pedestal. Not only was I raped that day but my world was changed forever. My hero, my protector, my smarter brother was all lost in an instant and I was left trying to figure out what did I do wrong. He was so fucked up on drugs that I still don’t know to this day if he remembers what he did. Anyway this post isn’t about him this time it’s about me. I am sure I will still have things to say on the matter over time as I purge things from my system but this one is about me. My world was shattered and I was left confused about what happened and also in full wonder of what had I done wrong to have the happen. I lost my best friend that day, my protector, my confident, my innocence, my trust, my confidence, my happiness actually you stole what was left of my childhood. As an adult we have the power and mental capacity to rise above and pull ourselves up but as a child it takes a while to reach the maturity level required to do this.
Because you were so fucked up with drugs the whole family suffered, Mum and you were always so close and bonded that the whole focus went on you. When the courts gave you the option of going away to drug rehab or prison our family was so broken. My childhood was fucked from that day on. Everything revolved around you, our parents focused on you and they did not notice that I was broken. I have kept my word and I have never told anyone what you did BUT I didn’t keep it for you I kept it for me and I kept it so I didn’t increase the reach of the hurt it would cause. It would totally destroy Mum & Dad to hear what you did, actually I think it would but I am not sure even as I type this. Hmmm would they even believe me, I’m not sure, I have absolutely no proof and you have always been the golden son. Okay let me rephrase that, I THINK they would be totally broken that you did what you did. I THINK they would be totally broken that they were so absent that they didn’t protect me and this was the outcome. Either way it would cause so much shit within the family it would simply not be worth the aftermath.
I can feel myself getting upset now so am stopping here for a bit but I do want to say I am no longer that child. Hey thanks to you I am who I am today!!! I have had issues and I have drunk myself numb for years but no more. Guess what though I am not coming out of the haze to be fucken sad because of what you did. I tired of that shit and will not let things like this haunt me. I’m healing now and I’m making amazing progress, I have so many things to be grateful for and so many blessings to count. I’m working this shit out and this is one suitcase that I’ve opened and I am not going to pack it up again when I am done, not how it was when I opened it that’s for sure. If I repack it I will be packing the parts that I am willing to take with me from now.
***Warning topic is suicide and some may find it upsetting. I am not saying any names nor how they took their lives. All people discussed are or have been under professional care.***
We have a problem in our community and sadly it is suicide, I think our region has the highest rate of suicide in our country. Last year we lost one young girl from our team at work. She simply didn’t turn up for work one day and we had been trying to phone with no reply. In the afternoon the Police came in and we found out that she left her parents home to come to work and then arrived back home saying she was starting late and was going for a sleep. The mother went to work and went to ring her later to make sure she woke up in time to come to work, there was no reply. Her Mum sensed something was wrong (she knew that this beautiful young lady was being treated for depression) and she flew home and found her deceased. This beautiful young lady was in a relationship were her partner was having his own mental issues due to the death of a family member. She openly talked about how she was going to kill herself and how she wanted her funeral.
There was a young man who used to work with us that committed suicide last year as well. Very sad as his fiance was only weeks away from having a baby and he already had son from a previous relationship that he had raised on his own. He suffered from depression as well. One night he said he was going for a walk and left. He never came home again. His partner tried calling and heard the cellphone ringing, it had been left on the bench in the kitchen and we are pretty sure that was on purpose as he didn’t want anyone contacting him. His body was found the next day close by.
This week at work is super stressful because my boss is away so I am the boss and I have 2 staff members who are off work for mental health reasons. They are both so young and have their whole lives ahead of them. One is reaching out for love in totally the wrong way and the other is their trying to support but getting confused as it develops into more but sadly it’s not exclusive because everything is so messed up. For one of them I feel it is like a deja vu of the first case with the young lady. I look back now and I see as much as it hurt we could not save her, she was a case of when not if, this other young lady is giving all the same signs. She has already made attempts and been committed to care. Now the young man that is trying to help her and ending up an emotional wreck himself is actually a brother to the second young person mentioned above. Because all of this is happening around him it has brought up all sort of issues that he has not dealt with. This young man has now made one attempt to end his life and thank God his mother found him.
Now I have 2 team members off on mental health leave and a team that are struggling to cover and keep up with the work load which is actually effecting all of their mental health. The ripple effect of everything is terrible and so overwhelming. But what I see scares me, mental health problems are like a sink hole and if people aren’t careful they to get dragged in and are struggling to fight their way out. My other young team members took a long time to recover from their first loss and frankly now they are not coping but there is help in place for them.
It is looking at things from a different side from when I wanted to take my own life…..
This picture I can relate to (well not the makeup part) but the splattering of color everywhere and then trashed with graffiti to roughen things up along with the downward glance so that you aren’t forced into making eye contact.
I really struggle with self esteem and always feeling like I’m not good enough. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t feel comfortable dressing up but I do feel comfortable wearing my hoodie, cap and some jeans, track pants or shorts. Yep Tom Boy is me and top it off with some beats headphones and I am happy in my own world. My mother is so disappointed with this side of me, seriously she is what you call a lady and she just can’t understand why I don’t try harder to pretty myself up. I have some friends that do the whole lady thing really well and they nail it but me nope.
- I am not comfortable wearing makeup
- I am not comfortable dressing up
- I do worry if I embarrass my friends with my lack of style
- I don’t like standing out or attracting attention
I have made a few amazing friends and often need to pinch myself because I can’t get over how they make me feel. But I do worry because they are so lovely and attractive (wait before you say anything) and are very comfortable in dressing up, make etc and going places where these things are expected and when I get asked along I try but seriously it just comes out looking wrong. I am uncomfortable and my anxieties go off the scale. This really is starting to feel like an eye rolling “third world” problem and I should slap myself. I think I am just better off staying away from things like that and just keeping our friendship at a casual level.
This is starting to feel like a ramble and I’m really not wording it right tonight.
So happy I’m living the sober life xox
And this is the part which sent chills down my spin –
“I am a sexual assault survivor. Trump the other day was speaking at a rally, and he said, ‘She has no memory of how she got to the party. Should we trust that she remembers the assault?’ And the answer is ‘yes’ … And I also know this woman is smart because she’s a psychologist – she’s no dummy. If someone is assaulted or experiences trauma, there’s science and scientific proof – it’s biology – that people change. The brain changes. What it does is it takes the trauma and it puts it in a box and it files it away and shuts it so that we can survive the pain. And it also does a lot of other things. It can cause body pain. It can cause baseline elevations in anxiety. It can cause complete avoidance of not wanting to even remember or think about what happened to you. But what I believe that have seen is that when this woman saw that Judge Kavanaugh was going to be possibly put in the highest position of power in the judicial system of this country, she was triggered, and that box opened. And when that box opened, she was brave enough to share it with the world to protect this country.”
(Copied from – https://www.someecards.com/entertainment/news/lady-gaga-christine-blasey-ford-colbert/ )
I have touched on here about my rapes by both my brother and my ex and in an earlier post I explained how I really didn’t remember the full details of what happened with my brother. What Lady Gaga said above I can vouch for 100% I have never been the same person and that is mentally in the brain that I can never recover. I have taken the trauma and put it in a box and shut it away so that I could get on with life. As I work through these boxes some are opened slowly with care and others are bursting open. Some of the memories & emotions are taking a lot of dealing with and some are being packed up nicely while chucking away parts that I just don’t need to hold on to anymore. I am remembering more and more and that goes for a lot of things. I always thought it was strange that I have such a crap memory about my actual life but for work etc I have a mega sharp mind. As I work on things I realize that I really have been shut down and had sealed so much away just to protect myself.
On a positive I can’t wait for this movie to come out and want to go and see it. If you want to see the full interview here is the link and the above is not talked about until around the last 5 minutes but I personally take my hat off to Lady Gaga for saying what she has and saying that she to is a survivor – https://youtu.be/zWaV_PTlCxk
I have on numerous occasions considered committing suicide. The strongest times these thoughts take over has been while I’m not drinking, see when I am drinking I can numb things. I can stop the crazy arse thinking because if you drink yourself far enough you can’t think for shit. Now there are a couple of thoughts I have on this, first off oh my fucken hell an alcoholic mind that is wanting you to drink is SO powerful. Seriously for my own mind to convince me that the way to stop the thoughts and to finally let me rest was either start to drink or suicide (I know, I know stupid arse it’s not going for a sleep or a nana nap it’s permanent) but my depression was so strong and I was just so tired and worn out. Numb It or End It. Screw you my alcoholic mind you can get fucked. I am slowly growing stronger and as much as some days I would really love a drink I am not prepared to put myself back in that zone were I have to start all over again.
Second thought on this is that I have figured out that maybe suicide would stop the pain and it would mean I wasn’t tired anymore but, and this is a big BUT, all I would really be doing is passing the pain on. My family and friends deserve better than that and I realize now that my problems are exactly that MY problems. I am the one that needs to work through them and process them. If I was to take my life that would simply be passing the pain along to them all and I can do better than that.
Staying Sober – Figuring It Out As I Go – Will Not Pass On The Pain