85 Days Sober

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley

Well here I am having quite the journey which is not quite as I expected. I am so happy to be here as there have been many times when I could of stumbled and just said “Fuck It” and went out and started to drink again. But I haven’t and there is a powerful reason why I haven’t and that is the fact that oh my gosh if drinking has the power to put me where I am right now I am never touching it again, EVER!!!

Depression has hit me like a freight train and I am at the point that I am going to go to the Doctors this week because I refuse to keep living like this. I have SO SO many blessings in my life that it guts me that I feel this way. I find it hard to even crack a smile unless I am out in public and feel that it is necessary so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I have done the normal roving around different blogs and websites and they all say that this can be a normal part of a heavy drinker giving up as the mind is so use to coping with the alcohol fueling it that coping without can send it into a spin. Some people are lucky and don’t have any depression and others I have seen said they suffered for months and sometimes a year or two. Well screw that I can not keep going like this and have decided it is time to ask for help. If I keep being this miserable I am scared that I will cave in and start drinking again just to bring on my friend the numb brain and get some relief. I also don’t think it is normal to have thoughts about killing yourself to make it stop but knowing that you would not go through with it because of the hurt it would bring on to others are at all healthy.

I am also at risk of losing a really good friend because of my down moods and not being her normal happy go lucky friend. I am even pushing her away because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t like it and don’t want her seeing me like this.This is another reason for me going to ask for help, I would give my life for this friend and it hurts me that this is effecting our friendship. I will be seeing her later today and will be trying to explain this all to her and ask her to please don’t give up on me I am going to get help.

I went to the gym again yesterday and am super disappointed to find out that the 2 young ladies that treated me like shit the other day are actually staff there. Gutting and not sure what I am going to do about this. I want my fit healthy body back but I am not in a good mental space to be able to deal with what I have decided was being bullied. I saw them both when I went to the gym, one on reception that just turned her back on me as I walked in. And the other was doing life saving at the pool that you look at while on the cardio machines who saw me also and just looked at me and turned away. Now these could be just normal no meaning reactions but because of my fragile mental state I am not coping well with them. I’ll see and keep going but the thought it going through my head of saving up and buying my own work out gear for at home. I know you don’t need to spend big dollars but one thing I like is strength training and get a buzz out of things like bench press and box squats. Who knew but I do now that I love these things. I also love the DOMS that it can bring on for me that next day. It makes me feel that my body is alive and the pain / discomfort is purely the sign of it building strength and growing stronger.

I have been going to the gym for I think 3 weeks now and have lost 5 kg’s and am already fitting clothes that I use to take of in disgust because I looked like a baby hippo trying to squeeze into a snakes shredded skin 🙂 so I am very happy about that, I have a long way to go but I am doing it.

Now on with my day and getting up the courage to ask my friend for 5 minutes of her time so I can explain how much I value our friendship and that I am sorry for how I have been but I will be getting help as I love her and don’t want to bring this shitty depressed cloud into our friendship. Wish me luck.

Stay strong everyone and remember it was our addictions that brought us to where we are today.

DOMS – Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness

Okay I am up to day two at the gym, I had to have a two day break because I lost control of my legs basically hahaha, they call it DOMS –  Delayed onset muscle soreness well saying soreness is using something much lighter than what I would call it. My upper thighs where so sore they didn’t even want to function like a normal persons would. I have no idea how people didn’t pick up at work that slow pace I was walking let alone the internal screaming as I had to walk up and down stairs. I think someone up above was laughing at me as I would take my dogs for a walk when I got home from work. Normally the little one always poo’s but this time both of them decided to make a deposit that I had to attempt to bend down and pick up. Now this is not an easy task when you are trying to look normal but you are having trouble controlling movement and trying to look smooth and natural.  First you try bending over and reaching down but bigger dog decides he doesn’t want to wait so you quickly go up again and try to gracefully go down in a squat. This doesn’t happen I go down without any real muscle control to hold my weight and then have to come back up again. Internal screaming and cursing (internally also, not their fault) at my dogs for not being able to hold their poop until we got home and I could brace myself on something to lower myself down and then press on to come back up.

Going to the toilet as well has been a mission, try it yourself sometime without using your thigh muscles it’s hard work. I think on days like these there should be toileties that the pan is higher, I have no idea how old people with bad hips get on their throne seriously.

Putting all of this aside is it sick that I actually enjoy the feeling?????? I am looking at it this way – I must still have muscle there if its that sore. The workout obviously tuned into the area that needed it the most. I am alive I am feeling pain but it is good pain that has been earnt while trying to turn my life around. It has not put me off as today I went back into that gym and did another couple of rounds of my work out, I just adapted it from a one leg press to using both for fear of the whole thing collapsing on me as I couldn’t take the weight hahaha BUT I DID IT. I got my arse out of bed at 5.30am, drove to the gym that opened at 6am and two sets of each workout until I had to go home and quickly shower, feed the dogs, feed myself and get out the door to work. I did not hear the alarm and roll over thinking shut up in fact I woke up before it. I am enjoying this new me but I part of me felt like felt like an imposter and uncomfortable being at the gym with other people as none are fat like me but I did it and if I can keep doing it I might end up not feeling like an imposter, fingers crossed.

Still sober and enjoying life so much more, I still want a drink but mentally I am enjoying myself so much better without it. Stay strong my sober friends, WE ARE DOING THIS TOGETHER.