Category Archives: Alcoholic

Another component of my sober kit

Last night I explained that the love and support of my Soul Sisters are a vital part of my sober journey this time, without them I really don’t believe I would of had the energy to of survived.

Another part of my sober kit is YOU ALL my BLOGGING FRIENDS!!! What an amazing community I have found on here. I have found a life long friend who is now part of my Soul Sister tribe and we communicate off here as well but then there is everyone else. I can not express how much it has meant to me with each and every “like” or “comment” that you have taken the time to do. To feel seen and not invisible is a huge deal along with finding so many that can relate to my journey. It is a huge help to not feel so alone and an even better feeling to know that I have helped some of you on your journeys as well.

I love your words of wisdom, your advice, your sharing of your own experiences, and the encouragement and praise that is given on here makes me feel so good and worthwhile. For those of you that have said you have included me in your prayers I am so grateful ❤ I would not describe myself as a non-believer as I do believe in a higher power but I just struggle with the faith side of things BUT it really does matter that you take them time to include me in your prayers.

I am loving living life sober, raw and real, because of this I can now see things a lot clearer. I was going to say that this is another of the small blessings that I notice but it’s not small it is actually a really big deal and I thank you all so much.

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Thank You My Soul Sisters

Now I’m not stupid as in I know that I am an alcoholic and that doesn’t just go away because I am not drinking and I know how easy it is for the wheels to fall off the wagon and end up back at that horrible day one again.

I have no intention of ending up back there but nor did I the other times I did either, but that’s not what I am focusing on here. One of the better ways to avoid that happening again is by building what I call a sobriety tool kit. I am the most important part of that tool box because this is something I can either make work or I can fuck it up it’s that simple. But with the help of the other tools the chances of that not happening are much better.

Apart from myself my biggest and most treasured tool is my Soul Sisters, they are the biggest blessings that I have been given. Is it bad that I have in the back of my mind that if something goes wrong with my Soul Sisters it could be dangerous because I love them so much and it would hurt like a bitch? I hate that part of me, I treasure the best parts but weigh up the bad possibilities as well. I think that if you care deeply for people there is always going to be bits that hurt and that is just a fact of life.

My Soul Sisters love me, support me, are there for me if I really needed them each in their own way. They are also great at being honest with me and they all have different strengths that they bring to the relationship. I really just wanted to put down here how much I love them and the fact is if I had not let them into my life in the last year (and them let me into theirs) that I don’t believe I would of been able to fight as hard. There is a very real possibility with my alcoholism that I would of gone back to drinking. With my drinking I would of slipped back into depression and suicidal thoughts would of been a part of my life again. Because of the fight I have had and the wonderful choosen sisters I have I am a much better and stronger person.

I LOVE being sober, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are more often than the bad now. Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it.

Living Sober You Notice The Little Things

I’m having one of those OMG I feel so freakin blessed because I am living life sober moments in my life. I am so happy that I am sober but this is one of those I’m feeling like something is shining down on me sort of moments. But it’s not because of anything huge but because of all the little things that I am noticing and because of all the little things that are possible because I am sober and well dare I say it awake. There is a difference between sober awake and living life drinking as an alcoholic sober! Let me explain the little things from the last few days that are making me feel this way.

On Friday I had the day off work as I was going to get my hair done, oh let me tell you something not related to feeling good about my hair (sorry just a little side track). All of a sudden it has taken on this weird life of it’s on and it gets greasy by lunch time up the top and the hair has actually got thicker!!! Fuck it pisses me off because I am the type of girl that has to wash her hair everyday and shower at least once a day because my OCD HATES being dirty so the fact my hair looks dirty is a big deal to me. Anyway it turns out it is part of menopause along with that old hair on my chinny chin chin, FUCK YOU menopause you little bitch! Should be grateful I’m still alive to be going through it but I’m still allowed to have feelings about shit like that lol.

Anyway that was off topic I put on a load of washing and the bloody machine stopped working and came up with an error code. Damnit I think let’s see if we can sort this out ourselves. I slipped on my big girl panties (in my mind only) and got out the owner manual and then checked the outlet hose for blockages. Nope didn’t work so tried the old unplug from the wall and let it reset itself for a bit. Hmm nope that didn’t work either running out of time so had to leave it with the load of washing sitting in there grrrrr. Off to have my hair done (and discuss what we could do about the bloody greasy hair).

After the hair dresser I went to the SPCA to discuss my wanting to become an Animal Welfare Investigator and talked with people already doing the role. I came out of there so excited and happy in the feeling that this really is the right career path for me! There is no way I would be looking at exciting new career options nor realised how soul killing my current position is if I had still been drinking so thank you sober life!

Back home and back to the bloody washing machine. Normally by now in my drinking days I would be having a melt down and all upset like a big cry baby. I probably would of cracked open a bottle to calm myself while I tried to figure out what was wrong, then given up and just got stuck in drinking. Not the sober me, oh shit no that bloody machine was not going to beat me and besides I can’t afford to pay a service agent if I don’t have to thank you very much. Guess what???? That’s right sober me figured it out calmly and by using processes of elimination!! It was a wad of my hair mixed with normal washing machine lint (who knew it could be so strong when there is a build up of it!!! Oh and by the way losing your hair is another part some females go through with menopause, like a really bad molt from winter to summer coat! The wad of hair was enough to stop the water pump from spinning and once a pulled that out I was able to spin the pump again. Plug it in, fire it up and wait and see……….. YUS it worked!!! Now did I mention that if I had NOT been living the sober life I wouldn’t of had the patience to figure this out??? Will blow my own trumpet and say pretty bloody happy with myself at this point!!!!

This weekend I have emailed to find more information about requirements for a grant I want to apply for university fees for the required course for Animal Welfare Investigator. Have told my Team Leaders on the volunteer work I do that I will be spending time with the ladies from the SPCA learning all I can off them for the role. Oh and I told them all that I was an alcoholic just as a side note and explained that the cloud has lifted and I need to do this for me. Hmmm what else oh I have lost 3kg’s since being on my diet and increasing my exercise.

Really it just feels like a huge cloud that had been blocking my view has lifted and for the first time I can see a opportunity for myself to start a new and exciting life. Have I mentioned that living life sober, raw and real, feeling the good with the bad is fucken awesome????

I think I know what I want to do but……..

Okay I know I want to work with animals and particularly something that will improve their welfare and also help those that are in need. I am considering studying to become an Animal Welfare Investigator. I want to help the animals and also help the owners that need help. But there is another part of the role which interests me and that in animal abuse and building cases up against the people involved for taking them to court. There is a course at university which goes for the year but it is also available through correspondence and would involve having to go to university a few times during the year for parts that you have to attend. There will also be work within the industry to get experience and to travel with current inspectors.

Now the bit that worries me is that I know that in the pet rescue and welfare roles the level of alcohol abuse is extremely high. Compassion fatigue is very real and often they self medicate to try to numb out what they have had to witness. I also have concerns that although I portray myself as one little tough nut I am actually a very sensitive person who can be hurt so easily. Would this be a wise direction for me to take????? This is something I really want to get into but is it a wise choice for an alcoholic?/

The university course costs $6000 so I would have to figure out how to get that. There are options there though if I can get a placement with the SPCA the course is paid for. There is a couple of grant options I can chase or I do it myself and then there will be more career options for me at the end of it. What to do, what to do. Oh one of grants close for applications at the end of this month so I am thinking I apply for it and see what happens. The grant is for up to $10,000 but I doubt my chances of getting it but it is worth trying for.

My mind is starting to open to possibilities and is searching for answers of what I want to do and this is because and only because I am SOBER if I was still living the numb, drunk and just surviving each day I wouldn’t even have this option to consider. I love living life sober, raw & real, feeling and thinking it all.

A place to just be…….

This image is MY spot when I am feeling stressed, over whelmed, confused, fucked off, lonely, sad, angry etc, etc, etc. I seriously can’t sit up there (any yep I sit up there with my legs fully crossed, arms resting on my legs, straight back) and not find my calm. It is surrounded by bush and you can smell the bush, hear the bird song and the occasional other animal calling. You can hear other people sometimes if they are being loud, like the big mouth loud person that was way down the bottom sitting outside the cafe but after a while of me just sitting and just being I don’t even hear them.

I am very slowly learning the art of meditation, when I say slowly I seriously have the concentration span of a Chimpanzee (they have a 20 second attention span by the way). I often sit there and go breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat. I get to doing this about 3 times and then think hmm do I need to stop and get something anything for dinner???? Holy shit STOP IT, stop thinking, breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat then wonder what I will find waiting for me at work tomorrow, STOP IT!!!! okay, okay I can do this start again……. you know when that friend said that, I wonder what they meant because I took it this way but it could also mean that way, STOP IT fucken hell your getting ridiculous now!!! Okay I can do this, let’s start again ……………… no, no don’t start thinking, let it go……………….I can manage a minute or two and even that feels surprisingly good. Hey when I first started it was a miracle if I got to 30 seconds without giving up.

This bush is at an old quarry site and also has the most amazing tropical garden, this is my go to place when I need to escape or if I have things that I am struggling with and my busy mind is twisting it. This place slows it all down and lets me think (or not think when I do the above) in a much more relaxed state.

Guess what????? I probably never would of found this place NOR bothered to visit it had I still been drinking. Yet another pure pleasure I have from living life sober, raw & real, God I love being sober.

Sober Life Rocks

Okay in my posts along with musing about this and that and releasing messed up things out of my mind you will also see how much better life is living it raw and real 100% sober. Sleep is better, anxiety levels are better, depression is better, blood pressure is better, errrrr toilet visits are better (if your a hard drinker you will know what I’m on about), relationships are better, your judgement is better, your reliability is better and the list just goes on. But some days I often just notice the small things and this morning was one of those times.

This morning I woke up early (for a weekend) and thought about either rolling back over and going back to sleep or reading a book for a while. But then I thought nah, let’s get up have a shower and take the dogs for a walk while it is still cool. The temperatures are so freakin hot and the humidity is off the scale so it doesn’t take to long into the morning for it to simply be to hot to walk them. It was lovely and cool when we left and everything was so peaceful with the majority of houses in the neighborhood still all closed up and curtains pulled. I live in a beautiful area that has plenty of trees both on the sidewalks and on peoples properties. Through the trees I actually noticed the sky and it was beautiful with pink all through the clouds. The air was fresh, cool and there was a gentle breeze. The dogs wiggly butts in front of me never fails to make me smile and they often pause to stop and sniff. They will often stop sniffing and look at me with pure joy on their faces before they trot on to the next smell. See no matter what time I take my dogs for a walk it is their walk so they can stop and sniff as much as they want. To interupt a dog sniffing is like someone coming along when you are in the middle of a good part in a book and just closing the book on you. There was a lady out jogging with her very elderly dog who asked if it would be okay if he got to say hi to mine. She was lovely and explained how her dog was her life and that even though he was old he still managed to jog 10 kilometers each day. What a lovely old chap he was and his Mum glowing with love for him made my morning even better. The whole walk was just peaceful and I made a conscious effort to just stay in the moment. By the time we got near home I could feel the heat starting to rise and it was just perfect.

If I had of still been drinking there is no way in hell I would be up early in the morning on a weekend. I would of hit the bottle hard telling myself I deserved it after such a hard week at work AND to celebrate it being Friday. I would of stayed in bed later after having had a crappy nights sleep and feeling cloudy head and depending on the level of my drinking feeling ill. I totally would of missed spending that precious time with my dogs out walking enjoying life because by the time I would of got up it would of been far to hot to go anywhere.

This post might seem boring but to me it is a reminder of just how much better life is and that it’s the little things that make it just so bloody worth it. Living life sober, raw & real is 100% a better life for me.

And I thought I didn’t have a problem…….

I shudder now when I think back to my drinking days when I actually believed that I didn’t have a problem. Well actually I still didn’t believe it for a while after I stopped drinking. Seriously now that I am living a sober life how could I of not seen that I was an alcoholic?? It is so blindingly obvious now and to think that I thought I just had a faulty off switch but that I was really still under control is well I was going to say laughable but it’s not funny. Let me share with you one of my “episodes” where I partied like it was 1999 and thought it was just living life to the full.

I started the party with beers and it was at a friends place out of town and I was staying the night so knew that I didn’t have to worry about driving home that night. We were all going pretty hard starting early in the afternoon with great music and a BBQ on a beautiful sunny day. I was functionally pissed from my beers and upped my game by switching onto Sambuca. Didn’t waste my time with a glass just drank it straight out of the bottle, yummy yum (that would of been what I was thinking) I remember being fucken hilarious (I was probably more like a pain in the arse that they weren’t laughing with but at if I think about it now). At some stage I can’t remember if I dropped the bottle or if I whacked the bottom on something but the base cracked. My friend helped me out and rather than letting it all go to waste we emptied it into a preserving jar and I just kept on drinking out of that. Now at some stage I must of wandered off, I probably just wanted peace because I reach a level like that were I just have to get away from people. We think (notice the think) that I went up the road to a reserve and the reason we think that is what I did was the injuries that I came back with. Anyway I have absolutely no idea where I went nor what I did I hope that I passed out somewhere and slept but God only knows. What ever I got up to I arrived home later that night and I was filthy and a rambling drunk. My friend suggested chucking me into the shower to sober up and for some reason I liked that idea and just started stripping off, yep right in the room with people in it. Thank goodness for my friend as lucky for me she jumped up and pushed me into the bathroom and into the shower. I have no idea how long she left me in there nor how I got from there to the spare bed but I did.

The next day I woke up feeling like absolute crap & in pain and the thought of the long drive home just didn’t feel like an option. The pain was coming from my legs and when my friend came in and looked at them they were black with bruising all up the shins. Now these injuries are mainly why they think I must of gone up to the reserve, you see there are cattle grates that you have to get across and they reckon in my state I must of fallen in them. It would of jammed my legs as I fell through, it would also help explain why I was so filthy. Everyone decided that they would go to the beach and do some swimming and drinking. I thought oh well the drive to the beach wasn’t anywhere near as far as home and a swim would feel so good. That’s right, not at all proud of myself now and didn’t give it a second thought I drove and I still would of been drunk for sure. Once at the beach they all started to crack open the beers again, I just could not face it at all and decided to go for a swim. I felt so ill, the beach was full of people and there was really no where for me to go for a spew. I swam and swam way out deep where there was no one and I spewed and kept on spewing. I remember I had to keep diving under the surface and swimming further over so I wasn’t surrounded by my own spew. I really have no idea how the hell I didn’t drown on that day. I am a good swimmer but not when I’m drunk, hung over and with fucked legs. In the afternoon we all went back to my friends so they could get stuck in drinking again. I was due home by then and knew that my ex would be furious that I hadn’t come home in the morning so I drove home instead, shit I doubt I would of been able to drink anymore anyway!!!!

That was one example of my “problem drinking” and it was a bad one, I suffered from a true black out and there is a period that I will never know what happened. I do know that I had to go to the doctors with my legs and after xrays it turned out that I had crushed my shins, that took a long time to heal. I think I just had quiet drinks, you know like cut back and only had 3 or 4 a night for a few nights afterwards. Hmmm and this girl didn’t think she was an alcoholic!!! Seriously I am as alcoholic as an alcoholic can be. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m an alcoholic anymore it’s just a fact.

I am now living life sober, raw & real, and thank God for that. Why go over the bad times you might be asking yourself? Because it is important that I never forget the bad times and never live with just the good memories of drinking. I have to keep it real and remember just how shit it really was.