Category Archives: Rape

I never thought…….

  • I never thought I would watch smoke rising from a burning house and then learn that a man was in that house after murdering 2 people and having a confrontation with the police
  • I never thought I would hear of a people getting off a rape charges because the victims wore a pretty bra or had a Tinder profile so must of pre-empted it
  • I never thought I would grow up to be the victim of multiple rapes
  • I never thought that I would grow up to be an alcoholic
  • I never thought that I would die on an operating table and be brought back to life
  • I never thought when I was younger that I would not be able to have kids
  • I never thought that I would grow up to not be able to remember my childhood

We really can’t pre-plan everything in our lives so that we shield ourselves from anything painful or bad or sad it just doesn’t work like that. We can’t protect ourselves from everything it’s just not possible but I strongly believe that we need to have these experiences in our lives to help us grow mentally and spiritually. I am not saying “hey rush out and find all the shitty things you can because they will teach you a lesson or two” don’t do that because if you need the lesson it will come your way.

One thing I do think now which is off on a different tangent is that we are all capable of and should be trying to do good and find something that you are passionate about. Something that you really care about and want to help make better e.g. for me my passion lies in animal welfare, maybe yours is helping other addicts, maybe it’s helping dementia patients, helping the homeless the possibilities are endless.

Living life sober, raw and real causes me to have thoughts like the above. Sorry I’m still getting myself back to balanced and things are still a bit all over the place. As jumbled as this is and as unprofessional as my writing is it does help me.

Feel free to tell me your thoughts at any time e.g. what was it that you never thought……..

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I Forgive Myself For Trivializing My Past

I had one of those “holy shit” moments today which I think was an important awakening in my personal growth, strength and inner peace. I was in the middle of a work out today and listening to a podcast from Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations and this one by Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising and it was good and gave me lots of food for thought.

One of the thoughts that came to me was enough to make me cry – I realized that I have never forgiven myself for trivializing what I have been through. Now I do realize that I have had to do this in order to be able to cope and to protect the people I wanted too until I was mentally ready to deal but now that I am dealing I think acknowledging this is a huge step. It is easier to deal with things by telling yourself that shit happens and that it’s really not a big deal than to face the enormity of it all. Well today I realized that it is a big deal, it’s a massive deal.

It has taken me a long time and an incredibly painful journey to end at this point now. In looking back I had my innocence, virginity, security, confidence, self-esteem, happy go lucky nature all stolen. In order to try to deal with all of this I turned to alcohol and I buried myself in it for over 20 years. I turned to it so I would not have to feel or think about what had happened. I mentally convinced myself that none of it mattered, I was still here and I had survived and hey other people have it much worse than I had it. Truth is I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy but I have survived it and I believe that I am a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person because of my experiences. I am sad that it took me so long to give myself the biggest gift of sobriety and that I numbed out 20 years but what is done is done and I can’t change that. I am going to send my younger self a message, hope she’s sober enough to take it in.

I would love to give credit to who came up with this quote but the annoying thing is there are numerous people claiming it. Who ever you are thank you!

Hey there you, I’d just like a moment of your time to talk to you if you wouldn’t mind. I get that you don’t want anyone around you nor do you want to let anyone in as a friend so I won’t take up too much of your time. I am you but it is quite a few years later and I wanted to let you know that your going to be okay. At the moment you really are going through a hard time and you are confused by the way you have been treated by others especially since they are people you love and trusted, even idolized. I really want to reach through this bloody screen and give you a big hug, it’s important that you know that there are good people out there. You are going to find people that you can trust again and that will love you just as you are and they will be there for you if you need a friend. What you are doing now is what it takes for you to cope and that’s okay, I think you are an incredibly strong person who is a fighter inside. At the moment you are telling yourself that what happened isn’t that bigger deal and that you are okay. What has happened to you is a big deal sweetie, it’s huge and when you get to where I am now you will realize that you are amazing. Inside you buried with all the shit and covered in the alcohol you have also numbed your inner Warrior but she is there. The pain and the hurt need to rest, they can’t deal with it all yet but they will. It’s never going to be 100% done (probably not what you wanted to hear) it’s like a record that keeps spinning around and each time something improves, every so often there is a scratch that will make it skip back. Wait long enough and the music will flow and you will dance again. There are going to be times when you want to take your life, thank fuck you don’t follow through because now looking back I can see that it wouldn’t fix anything. You are tired and you want it all to stop and it will you are going to survive and you are going to be glad that you do. I want you to know that I don’t blame you and today I forgive us for doing what we needed to do to cope and get through all this you really are a Warrior Princess.

Living life sober, raw and real isn’t always easy and lately I have been in a dark place and today realizing this has gotten me back into the right frame of mind. I was experiencing peaceful moments a lot and then all of a sudden I lost them. Following this awakening I was able to find that peaceful place again today and I just lay there in it for the longest time but I came back out so calm it was amazing.

Hiding Here / Alcoholic Voice

There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.

It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.

Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.

Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂

What went wrong?? Time to look at ME.

Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.

Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.

Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.

Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.

Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.

Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.

Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.

Don’t give up on me yet, I’m down but I’m not out and I am little but I am fierce as hell!

Idols Masks Come Crashing Down

Have you ever had people in your life that you think are freakin awesome and you totally think the sun shines out of their butt? But then, after some event or even after a period of time you start to see the mask drop and see them for who they really are? That has happened to me numerous times in my life and I have thought at times is it my own fault for building people up so highly in my mind that I set them up to fail because you just can’t achieve that level of greatness. Well that was a mouthful but shows you how my mind thinks about things like this, let me give you some examples.

The first person in my life that I totally idolized and thought he was the smartest, coolest and protective person, he was my rock and he is my brother. I guess it’s easy to get caught up looking up to your elder siblings but when your own parents love them more and point out how much better they are than you then you know they have to be something special. Anyway long story short there that illusion all came crashing down when he got so messed up with drugs and his life slowly went to shit and our relationship changed forever when he raped me while in a drugged up state. When I say drugged up I still don’t know if he knows he did it or has any recollection of it and I probably never will. This was my first idol that came crashing down.

Then there was my ex whom I honestly would of died for I thought that he was the kindest, supportive and loyal person I could ever of been blessed to find. We had years of total happiness and once again booze and drugs entered into my idol’s life and he turned nasty with them. He was so jealous and possessive the guys around turn learnt quickly not to talk to me when we were out and he was drinking and drugging. I will never forget one poor guy (who’s father was my boss at the time) getting push off a balcony (thankfully one level up) and falling and breaking both arms. Shit I can’t even believe the life I lived now. Eventually it turned into mental torture along with abuse and again rapes, if I didn’t give him what he wanted willingly it was taken. The relationship just went to shit and he would go out partying and not come home for days and when he did it was always abusive. In the end I walked out of a home that we owned together and moved to another city leaving him the lot I just escaped with my mental sanity. Oh he did manage to give me a parting gift in the form of chlamydia which was from one of the one’s he slept with on those nights he didn’t come home. When I moved it turned out he got one of those strays pregnant. Anyway this was my second idol that came crashing down.

Third idol was a lot different she was someone from the animal rescue world and I became very close to her and being the open and honest person I am shared so much of myself with her. I thought that she was this amazing person in the animal rescue world and that she did so much to help the animals and was so intelligent. This illusion has slowly crumbled as I have realized that she is in rescue for the wrong reasons and basically is using her registered charity rescue to provide everything she needs so she doesn’t have to go and get a job. The rescues that she has have basically become pets that the rescue pays for everything for and even the place she is living in is paid for by the rescue. I see people donating money etc and it breaks my heart as the kindest people are often the one’s that can least afford to be. I wish I had facts to back this up but I don’t it’s just one of those things through comments and actions you think “fuck me your a con artist who knows how to get what you want”. Third idol crashing and burning.

I know that none of these are my fault from building them up so highly but it really does make you weary of thinking to highly of people. When you build someone up so much and you love them so deeply it hurts like hell when you find out they are not who you thought they were. Or are they and it just took a while for their masks to drop??

Living life sober, raw & real has opened my eyes to a lot of things and one of those things is gut instinct. I really do think my gut instinct was living numb along with the rest of me and had it of been allowed to react I am pretty sure the warning signals would of been ringing a lot earlier. Living life drunk there was probably a bloody fire alarm going off in my gut but I just doused it down with more booze. Sobriety and everything that comes with it is a blessing.

Therapy Session 4.3

I don’t have much I can remember about my childhood just bits here and there and a LOT that I just can’t remember at all no matter how hard I try. My therapist told be that there is and will be a reason for that and maybe I will remember, maybe I won’t and that is just how it is. It has bugged me that I can’t remember but I am now at the point were I think if I do I do if I don’t I don’t.

But the part of my past that I do remember was the rapes first by a family member and then by my ex. The best thing I did was talking to my therapist about it and OMGosh it came out like verbal diarrhea. You see I have been holding it all in for so many years and have had to, no chosen to, behave like nothing ever happened and have kept it totally to myself. If I was to tell family it would hurt them so much and I believe that would just be giving the pain and devastation of what happened more power as it spreads through the family. I sort of liken it to dropping a pebble in the water and the circles that form and spread. I don’t like sharing it with my friends but have done so with a couple of treasured ones because it did feel right to do so as part of my being honest and open in our relationship. Even doing that I did find myself worrying about the pain spreading and affecting them at all as well. But of cause I did not go into indepth details and there is no way I would.

I have also always worried about what people would think of me for not speaking up and saying anything or reporting these people and shit I found the #Me2 movement hard. Here are all these amazingly brave people speaking up and I was remaining silent. If I thought that there was any danger of these men hurting anyone else I would most certainly speak up but I do not have any fears of this happening. If I was to speak up the fall out would be huge in that my parents would be so hurt, the families of these men would be hurt and the ripples would just keep on going. So many innocent people hurt by something I can contain. It will could never change what happened, it won’t erase anything it just doesn’t make any sense to me to bring it up. Oh also in the family I really couldn’t face the thought of who would they believe me or him. The pain if they were to pick him over me would be too much. With the other person during the period when the rapes happened I was in deep, real deep with my drinking and he was in deep with drinking and drugs.

Nothing anyone can do or say will ever change what happened nor change the effect it has had on me. The pain will always be a part of me and I don’t mean that in a negative way. I could forever stay depressed, drink myself to death and be a total bitch striking out at the world but I choose NO to any of that. Enough, it has stolen enough from me including my innocence but now I am going to focus on my blessings of which there are and have been many. The best way I have decided to deal with things like my rape is this if I can use any part of it to help someone else and this could be as simple as them reading this and knowing someone out there understands and that they are not alone that is perfect. That is stopping the ripple of pain, that is actually finding the positive in the negative. I will always be that person as it is a part of me and I am proud of where I have ended up despite having had it happen. If anything it has added to my kick arse Warrior Queen strength because fucked if I’m letting it hurt me anymore.

Living life sober, raw & real really has allowed me to bring out and deal with so many hard things from my past and to feel every moment. If I was still living day by day drinking myself numb I would be blocking feeling the good and the bad. I’m glad I’m dealing with the bad so that I can lay it to rest and let in more of the good.

First Therapy Session – Part 2

One thing that my therapist said that made me smile but is so true was “No one wants to become an alcoholic, no one wakes up one day and say’s I’m going to make it my goal to become and alcoholic. They just don’t, it’s not something we decide we are going to do.” Shit not a truer word has been said, not once did I think I wanted to be an alcoholic and yet here we are. I even kidded myself for 20 something years that I wasn’t an alcoholic but was just a binge drinker. Anyway that was just one of the little pearls that she mentioned and I think there are going to be many more.

When it was my turn to speak (I could at any time but preferred to just listen at first to all her explanation on how it works with working with her all the time sizing her up and trying to decide if I wanted to work with her or not) I told her that I have been an alcoholic for over 20 years and that this time around I have been sober for over a year. I explained that I wanted to work the hardest I ever have to ensure that I stay sober and was hoping that she could help me. All the while she was listening and every so often writing. There was lots of “that was really sad” or “you really have had a terrible time in your life” which made me feel so uncomfortable. It didn’t take her long to tune into some things and ask for further clarification on them. We discussed one of my rapes and I explained how I felt about it and my thoughts on it now. She said that I have a good way of thinking about it, but I can tell that won’t be the last I hear of it. A bit later she brought it up again and said how terrible he actually took your virginity, hmm yep he did and I hadn’t really thought about that before I don’t know why but just haven’t. Anyway there was more things like the not bonding with my mother and how I watched a documentary on the Romanian orphans and how because they weren’t cuddled or handled much they rock back and forth in their beds to self sooth and how I do that. We talked about how I need help with dealing with friendships in a more healthy way and not cling on so much and then push away when things get to close. She explained that this was totally understandable and links back to what I have been through. When she asked about my childhood I had to tell her that I don’t actually remember my childhood, this simply brought the comment of “there is a reason for that“.

At the end of all the talking she said what she would like to work on with me first is mindfulness & self caring. She said she wants to help me increase and be able to tap into the peaceful times in my mind. I am not 100% sure what she means on self care, whether it is more me time or more health and exercise I don’t know. Oh she said that she will be working on my ability to be okay with people leaving me and that I will learn that I will be okay if they do and I will even be okay if they don’t come back. I am not even sure what that one has to do with. I know I panic about my friends going away overseas but we didn’t discuss this side of it so she has tapped into something else. She told me that she has tapped into the fact that I am intelligent and smart and that she thinks I will quickly learn what she teaches me and also at learning what methods are best for me.

Today was difficult as I had to explain to my boss that I was seeing a therapist and that she only works during the same hours that I am so I will need to take time out of work. Thankfully I had already told him years ago that I was an alcoholic so I didn’t have to go all over that again. I have asked if we can find away to not let the rest of the staff know what I’m doing, I’m not ashamed I just can’t be fucked explaining anything to them.

I am living life sober, raw and real and I am working my arse off to full my tool box with the tools it takes to ensure I stay that way.