The other night when I blogged about preferring to be called a survivor rather than a victim when it comes to being raped. It’s because to me calling me a victim is giving more power to the people that did this to me, but calling me a survivor is giving me the power. I have taken my power back they have no control over me and never will, ever again.
There is however another side I didn’t think about and a dear friend shared with me, not sharing the whole convo but this part slapped me awake –
“I absolutely agree with how you’re thinking around your parents and wanting to protect them. They are also victims in this, after all. He raped their daughter.” I thought oh holy shit they are victims in this and I have been so wrapped up in myself I hadn’t even thought of that. But after thinking and thinking I have decided oh well they could be if they ever found out about it but I am determined that they won’t find out. If they ever found out they would be so very upset, naturally. But I am determined that they will never find out and by doing so I am not giving anymore power to the whole thing.
Sorry only a brief muse tonight as it has been a full on week. Living life freakin sober, raw & real is so fucken awesome.
I have shared on here previously that I was raped by a family member and then in later years multiple times by my now ex-partner I don’t go into it much on here and have manly used this blog as part of my tool kit for sobriety. I really have found enjoyment in the amount of people saying that my writing has helped them in their lives as well. I have decided to write a bit more about the rapes in the hope that it might help other survivors to not feel alone.
I am ready to tell some of my story and a huge part of me is bursting to just let it all out but I won’t. This time around I am only going to focus on the family member event. I am a silent survivor as in I have never told anyone about what happened to me, as in I have never reported it or told a family member. I have told very close friends that it happened but I will never go into full details. I think it is important that people realise that the people that do report rape are only a small percentage of the people that are raped.
The reason that I have never told anyone or reported it was intially because I was already struggling in our family circle to be noticed and hmm I was going to say loved but I don’t think that’s quite right. My mother loves me in her own way but she has not bonded with me anyway that is a whole another topic. So the family member that did this to me was the one that got the focus of my parents. I already knew that I was a disappointment to them and because I was young when this happened I believed that I would disappoint them even further by causing trouble for the family.
Now as an adult there is really no reason why I would tell them as it would not do anything but totally destroy my family. I have no proof of what happened, there was only him and I present and he was so off his face with drugs that I am positive even he has no memory of it happening. There is nothing that can change what happened by telling anyone. If I was to tell my parents it would literally break their hearts and put them in the position of who do you believe. Once again no point. Frankly a part of me would be scared that they would choose him over me in the matter. Can just imagine it now being outcast from the family as the family whack job. I don’t actually think about that side of it a lot because in all honesty I don’t know how it would go down. But I do know that there would be some terribly hurt people and it would be because of me telling about it that they would be hurt. My parents are elderly now and there is no way I want to upset their whole world by trying to clear my head and bringing out into the open what happened. Also the person that did this to me is still in my life and always will be as he is family. Like I said I am sure he does not remember it at all first off because he was such a drugged up mess and secondly because of how he behaves when we are together as a family.
My point of telling this is that there can be many reasons why people don’t report rape or even tell anyone about it. I see the whole #MeToo movement and it makes me cry when I read some of the stories or see any videos of people speaking out about their experiences. I also cry for the survivors like myself that are silent about what happened as I know there will be more of those than there will be ones speaking out. Please don’t ever forget we are survivors!
Thank you for the gift of sobriety which provides me with the clarity to think about things like this. I am hoping that as well as helping myself I will be helping other survivors along with hopefully helping others to understand things like this as well. I am living life sober, raw & real, and it freakin rocks.
I put up a post earlier and some of you saw it and commented but I’ve since deleted the post because as much as I realised I wanted to put it out there parts could of been read by people I know that could start joining the dots. The reason I don’t put on here who I am is nothing to do with protecting myself because I personally couldn’t give a rats arse anymore as I’m not ashamed of my journey BUT because I still have people that I love that would be so hurt if they read my journey. I will make this a much more basic post without so much detail.
Hmmm while visiting my Auntie I had to go to my old home town and that was fucken hard. The feelings, memories and emotions that it brought up has made me physically ill and made last night a tortured hell rather than a pleasant nights sleep. This town is full of demons for me and as much as you can run from them and deal with them you can’t erase them. After much processing over the last 24 hours I have come to the conclusion that they are a part of me but I am also proud that I have come so far but there is a long way to go and I’m getting stronger each day. Days like yesterday do feel like steps backwards but I didn’t jump back into the bottle I faced it fucken head on. The past IS NOT going to drag me back into that shit fueled alcohol haze again, it’s had it’s turn and it’s not getting another.
When I was raped the first time I was a child, nothing more, nothing less just a child. It was by a family member that should of been my protector and I had idolized him and had him up on a pedestal. Not only was I raped that day but my world was changed forever. My hero, my protector, my smarter brother was all lost in an instant and I was left trying to figure out what did I do wrong. He was so fucked up on drugs that I still don’t know to this day if he remembers what he did. Anyway this post isn’t about him this time it’s about me. I am sure I will still have things to say on the matter over time as I purge things from my system but this one is about me. My world was shattered and I was left confused about what happened and also in full wonder of what had I done wrong to have the happen. I lost my best friend that day, my protector, my confident, my innocence, my trust, my confidence, my happiness actually you stole what was left of my childhood. As an adult we have the power and mental capacity to rise above and pull ourselves up but as a child it takes a while to reach the maturity level required to do this.
Because you were so fucked up with drugs the whole family suffered, Mum and you were always so close and bonded that the whole focus went on you. When the courts gave you the option of going away to drug rehab or prison our family was so broken. My childhood was fucked from that day on. Everything revolved around you, our parents focused on you and they did not notice that I was broken. I have kept my word and I have never told anyone what you did BUT I didn’t keep it for you I kept it for me and I kept it so I didn’t increase the reach of the hurt it would cause. It would totally destroy Mum & Dad to hear what you did, actually I think it would but I am not sure even as I type this. Hmmm would they even believe me, I’m not sure, I have absolutely no proof and you have always been the golden son. Okay let me rephrase that, I THINK they would be totally broken that you did what you did. I THINK they would be totally broken that they were so absent that they didn’t protect me and this was the outcome. Either way it would cause so much shit within the family it would simply not be worth the aftermath.
I can feel myself getting upset now so am stopping here for a bit but I do want to say I am no longer that child. Hey thanks to you I am who I am today!!! I have had issues and I have drunk myself numb for years but no more. Guess what though I am not coming out of the haze to be fucken sad because of what you did. I tired of that shit and will not let things like this haunt me. I’m healing now and I’m making amazing progress, I have so many things to be grateful for and so many blessings to count. I’m working this shit out and this is one suitcase that I’ve opened and I am not going to pack it up again when I am done, not how it was when I opened it that’s for sure. If I repack it I will be packing the parts that I am willing to take with me from now.
And this is the part which sent chills down my spin –
“I am a sexual assault survivor. Trump the other day was speaking at a rally, and he said, ‘She has no memory of how she got to the party. Should we trust that she remembers the assault?’ And the answer is ‘yes’ … And I also know this woman is smart because she’s a psychologist – she’s no dummy. If someone is assaulted or experiences trauma, there’s science and scientific proof – it’s biology – that people change. The brain changes. What it does is it takes the trauma and it puts it in a box and it files it away and shuts it so that we can survive the pain. And it also does a lot of other things. It can cause body pain. It can cause baseline elevations in anxiety. It can cause complete avoidance of not wanting to even remember or think about what happened to you. But what I believe that have seen is that when this woman saw that Judge Kavanaugh was going to be possibly put in the highest position of power in the judicial system of this country, she was triggered, and that box opened. And when that box opened, she was brave enough to share it with the world to protect this country.”
(Copied from – https://www.someecards.com/entertainment/news/lady-gaga-christine-blasey-ford-colbert/ )
I have touched on here about my rapes by both my brother and my ex and in an earlier post I explained how I really didn’t remember the full details of what happened with my brother. What Lady Gaga said above I can vouch for 100% I have never been the same person and that is mentally in the brain that I can never recover. I have taken the trauma and put it in a box and shut it away so that I could get on with life. As I work through these boxes some are opened slowly with care and others are bursting open. Some of the memories & emotions are taking a lot of dealing with and some are being packed up nicely while chucking away parts that I just don’t need to hold on to anymore. I am remembering more and more and that goes for a lot of things. I always thought it was strange that I have such a crap memory about my actual life but for work etc I have a mega sharp mind. As I work on things I realize that I really have been shut down and had sealed so much away just to protect myself.
On a positive I can’t wait for this movie to come out and want to go and see it. If you want to see the full interview here is the link and the above is not talked about until around the last 5 minutes but I personally take my hat off to Lady Gaga for saying what she has and saying that she to is a survivor – https://youtu.be/zWaV_PTlCxk
Well not yet, not tonight anyway but tomorrow, yeah tomorrow I turn 50. It really is just another day but a part of me can’t help but reflect and thank God / my higher power whatever that I have made it this far. There have been numerous times when suicide seemed to be the best option when depression was so bad that it wasn’t that I was just sad but I was so freakin exhausted I just wanted to make it all stop. I didn’t have the fucken energy to get back up one more time. What is the saying get “Fall Seven Times, Stand Up Eight” well I have had to get back up more than that and I tell you what for anyone going through it I take my hat off to them. I want to reach out shake their hand, pull them by that hand in for a hug and tell them I am so fucken proud of you. They are not weak people but incredibly strong. For me with the forgotten childhood, rapes, abuse, killing of my dog and alcoholism trust me I can relate to so many people. I could be totally twisted and bitter person but I’m not. I seriously believe that I have survived all this shit so that I can go on and help people with the empathy that it has installed in me. I am not saying that I am not still dealing with these issues because I am, I feel that in this round of being sober I have made huge progress and I would like to thank a lot of you on here for helping me in this journey. Instead of looking back and being the victim I am looking back and I am so proud of myself. Not only have I managed to keep getting back up each time but I have survived. That’s right universe I have survived and been around for 50 years despite what was chucked at me.
They released the reason for death for Dolores O’Riordan – it was ruled that she died as a result of accidental drowning in a bathtub due to sedation by alcohol intoxication. When I read this I wept, I lost count of the amount of times I would get served some shit from my ex then run a bath to go and soak away the bullshit. Because I would be drunk and continue drinking in the tub I lost count of the amount of times I woke up in a cold bath, it was freezing!!!! But OMG my Guardian Angel must of been watching over me, poor Dolores.
If I add to that with the times I would of driven drunk, yep I even remember waking up as I hit the curb one night while driving. The car had others in it and we just laughed and kept driving. Seriously how the hell did I survive????
I am not sure what yet but I know that I have been given all these chances for a reason, if there is just one person out there that feels less alone, maybe starts to think about not drinking or starts to count their blessings as well I am leaving 49 behind happy and sober.
I have been tired and sick for a while now and yesterday I just put on some good music and went for a walk. I ended up at a park that is in our suburb and walked through the bush, I was also looking for a little dog that had gone missing from nearby so covered some dense bush and steep hills looking. when I came back out of the bush I realized how tired I was and just how little energy I had left. Shit I still had about 3 kilometers to walk home so I thought I would just sit for a while. This place is also used for pony club and for horse jumping etc so there are these awesome logs they have set up into jumps and I just climbed up on one of these and just meditated. Before I fully realized what was happening I was sitting there in tears. I am tired, tired of being sick, tired of the doctors working and testing different things trying to figure out what is going on, tired of pushing myself to last the week at work, tired of my busy mind, tired of my volunteer work, tired of looking after others, tired, tired, tired so mother fucking tired!!!
I managed to zone right out for a while and just let myself give in to the crying. You know that silent cry were the tears just fell. I think I was releasing how blah I was feeling from being sick and also from things I had released on here. It feels good to of released some stuff and I really am ready for some of it to be put to rest. For Missy and Jane I am really sorry how things ended there. BUT I refuse to carry the guilt for this on my own, I feel bad that their lives ended up on the shit heap like my own. I know now that my brother and my ex both raped me and NEITHER was my fault. I have carried guilt that maybe some of it was my fault in some twisted way. I sat up there and I cried and released.
The part I have to deal with about my brother is the fact we have never talked about it and as far as everyone (especially my parents) know we are all one loving happy family. I have no desire to tell anyone about this part of my life least of all my family. My parents would either pick a side / be totally heart broken and would be so full of guilt. There is nothing to be achieved by bringing it up now so it is going to be inside me. The hardest part is pretending nothing happened and being the happy daughter / sister. My parents are both knocking on their 80’s and I treasure what time we have left together. I am staying in the city that I am because of them and their age so I can enjoy time together and keep an eye on them being here for them as they age. I don’t know if I will stay in this city once they pass though. My brother lives here now as well and if there was just us left I really don’t know if I would want to stay.
Anyway I’m still super tired but a part of me is screaming a big FUCK YOU to that part of my history.