Tag Archives: stopping drinking

Living with an addict is hard

Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.

My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.

I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.

How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment?  I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.

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Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

Tomorrow is my 1st Month down staying sober anniversary!!!

Holy Shit Batman I have to be honest that I didn’t even think I was going to be reaching the point this time round. There has been many shitty days, emotional days, cloudy days and feeling like crap days in the mix. My mind is a powerful tool and it has put up a really strong fight with itself, maybe left brain fighting right brain I’m not sure, and I am winning.

Oh yesterday was recycle bin collection time. I don’t know why I find this day so significant but I think it was because I used to feel ashamed putting out my overflowing bin for the whole neighborhood to see. I am in my mid 40’s and my parents come around to my house a lot while I am at work and I would cringe at the thought of them seeing my recycle bin if the truck hadn’t been past to empty it before they saw it. I also have a friend that has moved into the neighborhood that use to kindly do some personal training with me and she knows about my drinking problem but I still felt ashamed of her seeing my over flowing bin (even though she is the only person that knows of my problem and is the most non-judgmental person I know) and seeing just how much I did drink behind closed doors. It’s weird some parts of me could not give a flying fuck what some people think of me except my family and close friends. As for caring what my neighborhood thinks of me it comes down to the fact that I don’t like to be judged as not normal. I want to go unnoticed and to not be judged on my drinking problem. ANYWAYS for the running update once again I decided my recycle bin did not warrant putting out by the roadside and it’s contents is now – 7 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 1 X Conditioner Bottle. Interesting enough I have had the past week off work and I was here as the truck drove around emptying everyone’s bins and I found myself smiling as I listened to the loud clanking and crashing noises of the bins that did have empty alcohol bottles in them. You guys better hope I get that darn bin emptied sometime soon so you don’t have to keep hearing about it hahahaha.

This week I had another first with a social / meeting that involved food and drinks for everyone there. They had even gone to the trouble of buying my favorite drink, Speights Cider, damn! I managed to turn down the drink when offered to me while telling them I was so sorry I am doing Dry July (not sure if that is a world wide thing or just something here in NZ, people give up drinking for the month of July in support of Cancer, some get sponsorship to take part and donate the money raised to the Cancer Society). To say I was doing this was much easier than explaining why I did not want to drink and got accepted with ease. It also made it easier for me to focus because if I backed down and drank I would of looked like a right arsehole in everyone’s eyes. At one stage someone walked past my chair carrying one of those Speights Ciders and I watched the bottle as it passed, my mouth filled with saliva as my body screamed “Get One” I had to drop my head and refocus my mind to no. I did find it hard to stay focused at the meeting and hope I don’t have to attend another one anytime soon but now at least I know I can do it.

Finishing this one off with more positives –

  • My headaches are easing and somedays I don’t have any.
  • My concentration spans are lasting longer.
  • I have completed reading a whole book (something that I haven’t been able to do for years)
  • I don’t need to worry that I have only a few dollars left in my bank while waiting for payday because there is nothing that I really need where as before I would of been in a panic and trying to work out how I was going to pay for another box of cider.
  • My dog’s are happier with the new me.

Oh I just about forgot I have started a new book called “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know” by George W.” and I read something in there I thought I would share with you all.

As addicts, we’ve abused the hell out of ourselves, often for months or years. Now our bodies are in shock, our minds are confused and disoriented, and we generally loathe everything and everybody, including ourselves. We didn’t get sick overnight, and we certainly won’t get well overnight, either. But this will pass and things will get better, if you can just hang in there for another twenty-four hours.

Now I don’t know about the loathe everything and everybody but I am going through a battle of loathing myself for being an intelligent person but still letting a liquid poison have so much control over my body for so long even when I realized I had a problem years ago. But for now I am starting to feel prouder of myself for fighting back and winning. I draw strength for all of the other amazing people blogging on here that are helping me realize that the crazy thoughts in my head are normal for us. I am just a normal person.

Love to You All and Let’s Look After Each Other.

 

Well this staying sober ain’t easy, I’ll say that much.

Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.

At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).

Work is practically stressful and busy with  it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.

Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.

I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.

Take care, hang in their with me.

Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.

14 Days Sober and Yes I Know I could of Just put 2 Weeks Sober but believe me it has been 14 long days.

Well here we are, Sunday night after 14 days of no booze YAY for me. This weekend I really did enter into the danger zone with finding that I had enough cash left over that I could go and buy a box of Cider if I wanted to. Let me explain a bit further. I am basically having to live from pay day to pay day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was spending far to much of my income on alcohol each week. Anyway I had booked an appointment at a posh hairdresser to have my hair colored, cut and straightened. This is something that I have never really worried about before and I had no idea how much it would cost and this place was not the sort where they put the prices up for you to see. I had just over $300 left to get me through to my next pay and to cover this appointment so I was to scared to spend any of this money on booze as how embarrassing would it be in a place like that to say oops I don’t have enough to pay you. It would be embarrassing anywhere I know but I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go to this sort of place as it was and already felt uncomfortable with my low self esteem. I actually came close so many times to cancelling the appointment and just going to buy my booze BUT I didn’t and I was able to still have enough to pay for my new hairdo. The danger zone came about when I still had $100 spare afterwards, my nerves where right on edge from pushing myself and doing this, so who raised its ugly head?

That’s right that bitch voice alcohol hungry brain. Toot, toot hey you, yeah you why don’t you celebrate and go and buy a box of cider (funny how my voice always talks to me in boxes and not A DRINK don’t you think). Come on we can go and get a box now, it’s Saturday and you have just achieved a milestone, let’s go! I even drove to the damn supermarket to purchase it. I went into the supermarket put some vegetables and fruit into my basket then around to the alcohol aisle. I looked up that aisle and saw people up there studying the different wines and then spotted my box of cider sitting in the chiller section. Oh it looked inviting, I could taste it, I could feel that first mouth full in my mouth, being swallowed and then swigging down my next. Then I could also visualize that leading to me drinking till I fell asleep on the couch, woke up finished drinking whatever was left in the bottle and thinking about another one before dragging my arse off to bed. I could picture waking up the next morning and being busting for a pee and stumbling to the loo. I pictured myself on the loo thinking to myself oh God I feel like crap again, I could feel my high blood pressure pounding through my head and body. I could feel that sinking feeling of shit am I going to have a stroke or heart attack today because it is pumping so high. I could feel the headache and dry mouth, you know I have no idea how long I stood there. I do know that I pissed some people off as they had to maneuver their trollies around me. I thought to myself oh fuck that NO tomorrow is my 14 days sober so close to my goal don’t stop now. And I walked on, I WALKED ON, I wanted to turn back so badly but I didn’t. I got a few extra items and left that supermarket and still have $50 left over.

Hope that didn’t bore you all to much as it has taken me ages to focus and type this. Yep my mind is still wandering, some days it just fucks right off on me I have no idea where it goes maybe to get a rest from the crazy fight it seems to have with itself. Take care everyone, be strong we can do this together, we can, YES WE CAN.

Garbage Day

Well here we are Friday again and Fridays seem to have the biggest pull on me.

You have worked hard all week, go on you deserve it. – SHUT UP BITCH

No seriously it has been such a stressful  week, everyone at work has been saying this is a shit week why not wind down with a drink or two?? – I SAID SHUT UP BITCH

Are Fridays going to always be like this I find myself wondering.

Anyways on with the story I wanted to share with you all from this morning which was our rubbish and recycable collection day. Today I carried out my normal bag of rubbish, my bag of recycable paper and cardboard and looked in the glass/plastic recycle bin. In that bin sat 2 lonely empty soda bottles and it wasn’t even worth carrying out to the kerb side. Now to explain the significance of this my bin is always heavy and very close to being full with my cider bottles on and a few items like plastic bottles and empty cans on top (they always go on top so that hopefully people don’t notice the brown cider bottles underneath). I think I get the prize in my neighbourhood for the loudest clinking, smashing and rattling noise as the guy empties it into the truck. Sometimes there is a household down the road that have 2 bins over flowing with cans and bottles but there is more than one person in that house and I think on those times they have had a party. I haven’t had a party and live alone expect for my two dogs which I will full you all in on one day as they are a huge reason why I am determined to give up drinking FOREVER. How the hell did something so minor become something major enough for me to writing a blog on, I have no idea but there you go.

 

This is not my first time trying to get off this crazy alcohol powered train.

Man I am being given some awesome support on here from you beautiful people, thank you so much. We can walk this journey together and if I can help any of you just holla.

Now I do want to point something out to you as some of you super duper people have commented or messaged me that you are only up to day X of being sober this time around. This is not my first time of trying to get off the crazy alcohol powered train!! There have been numerous attempts and even though I am at day 12 now I give total respect to those of you that are up to day 1, 2 , 3 ——– 50000 where ever you are at I salute you. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS and the fact that you are trying is AWESOME.

I am not the most intelligent person but I am very smart and pretty quick at thinking on my feet. I am also holding down a good job in a Mangament position and work very hard BUT I find the fact that alcohol has such strength over my mind and body frustrating as hell. It has damaged my spirit, self esteem, health, motivation and in return it has given me depression, low self esteem, being over weight etc I think you get the picture and there are many more things I could add to this list.

Shit sorry my mind is wandering again now and I am having trouble staying focused on this topic (people tell me this will pass). My main point of this post is to say you are all beautiful, please feel free to comment anytime and never ever be shy to say I am only at day 1, 2, 3—-50000 whatever or that oh shit I fell off the bus last night this is not a blog made for judging each other but for helping. It is here for people to be honest and themselves, swear if you want your not out in the public mall and have to be careful with what language you use and as far as I know there are no children following this.

Be strong people and help each other.

EMINEM – Not Afraid – Day 11.

Well up to Day 11 and still sober beautiful people. My mind is still going crazy lets take today for example it even let me think about going and buying a box of cider tonight after work and here follows its logic on this. Well if you go and buy a box and drink it tonight you KNOW you will feel like shit tomorrow morning and that should help stop with the cravings, right. What the heck sort of logic is that!!!!!!!! Oh dear me it’s like one side of my brain is thinking logically and I don’t know where it cruizes off to and this other random part takes up the space it vacated lol. Anyway I better not make this to long as I am at work but this song was playing and gotta say some of the lyrics EMINEM spat out just for me, I’m sure he did!!! Oh okay maybe he did it for some of you too but that is all. Funny how stopping drinking is making lyrics take on a whole new life, I feel they are going to become a big part of my life for a while.

EMINEM

“Not Afraid”

[Chorus:]
I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

[Intro (during Chorus):]
Yeah, it’s been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em
Cause ain’t no way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’ma do something I do it,
I don’t give a damn what you think,
I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks it’s stopping me
I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From “Infinite” down to the last “Relapse” album
He’s still shitting, whether he’s on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

[Chorus]

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your fillings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, that last “Relapse” CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain’t going back to that now
All I’m trying to say is get back, click-clack, blow
Cause I ain’t playing around
It’s a game called circle and I don’t know how, I’m way too up to back down
But I think I’m still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t, this fucking black cloud
Still follows me around but it’s time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

[Chorus]

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, ’cause believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef lingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn’t lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar
I’d shoot for the moon but I’m too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I’m…

[Chorus]

STOP THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well that’s what my brain was yelling at me as I drove past the wholesalers on my way home. Next turn off it’s not to late you can cut down that road and go to the supermarket and grab a box of cider,

I thought the temptation was over until I got my mail and found a letter saying that there is a problem with my wiring in the house and I need to get it seen to ASAP. Oh fuck my life, seriously give me a break how the hell am I going to find the money for that???? Then the little arsehole in my brain steps up in full force. FUCK IT get back in the car and go and get that box, you have had a full on day now this shitty news going and get the box so you can relax and unwind. I am exhausted, upset and sober and hanging on to that last part SOBER, I don’t want to tempt fate by saying “Give it your best shot, you can go to hell, I will not give up because of the shit life can fling at you” but I don’t want to tempt whatever “it is” that I would be saying this too.

Oh well day 9 sober and I am sure it will get better PLEASE. On the good news I have lost .7kg’s that’s more than just your morning poop right??? When I started this I was at 80.6kg’s today I weighed in at 79.9kg’s so that is a positive. Anyways to my followers I love you all in a weird we have never meet but appear to be sharing a common bond sort of way, if your wanting to stay sober with me let’s stay strong together and support each other, Night All, hoping for a better less rough day tomorrow XOXOXO

Online Grocery Shopping

Oh and just to finish off my moan this morning I thought I would be smart this morning and complete my grocery shopping online instead of going to the supermarket and being tempted into the alcohol aisle. Well Fuck Me if when I tried to go to check out it came up with beautiful pictures of items I might of forgotten to add to my trolley. Boom, there it is my beautiful, calming, relaxing, reward myself at the end of the day, yummy Speights Apple Cider, shit I even have to admit that I hesitated for a couple of seconds (it is my weekend coming up after all, time to relax, unwind, chill and reward myself for all my hard work). Well I closed that laptop down, shopping not even completed through to checkout stage, damn it! This is where I got up and went to the bathroom and told the mirror “Fuck You Alcohol No More”.