Still here and still stuck in a bit of a rut, feeling sad, lonely, depressed and struggling. I am just struggling a bit at the moment but will ride it through. Some of you will remember when I was drinking so much at the end I spent all my money and then some throwing myself into debt. All of this was backed by the totally irrational thinking that if I had no money to buy my booze I wouldn’t be able to so would be forcing myself into giving up. Fuck I wish it was that easy, it’s not all it did was make me find more creative ways of funding e.g. getting more credit cards or store cards which the liquor outlets would accept running myself even further into debt. One thing it taught me is that an alcoholic will always find away if they want to. Anyway I am now 15 months sober but still deep, like up to my eyeballs in debt and it fucken sucks. I am spending all my money paying off the debt and paying vet expenses on my dogs. Let me make it clear I would spend and sell everything I own to keep my little dog with me for and extra hour, day, week so I do not begrudge that at all and do feel blessed that I have an income to do this with.
But I am starting to wonder if my dream of becoming and Animal Welfare Inspector is going to have to go on hold even longer and it is just feeling like it’s beyond reach. I have to find $6,000 to cover my course fees then money for text books, travel for when I have to attend uni and money for while I attend the week long courses 3 times through the year. Sadly the SPCA is only funded by about 1% from the government and the rest is from donations etc so the chances of them paying are zip. I am finding out if I can apply for fee free study BUT here is something I hadn’t thought about. While I was going through the craziness of leaving my ex and was full on an alcoholic I attended university and can you believe I can’t even remember if I passed and nor can I remember what I studied. I was such a fucken mess back then, seriously. Anyway I need to find out if I passed these subjects at all because if I have so many pass credits then I don’t qualify for the fee free. It has taken me 3 weeks of dealing with government departments to even get my student ID number. Christ I couldn’t even answer the minimum 3 questions to get the answers I want. First question = name, haha I got that right. Second question date of birth, snap got that one right. Third question what was my address when I was last studying, I have provided my last 3 addresses for the last 16 years but nope it’s none of them (apparently the last time I studied was 10 years ago, go figure). I know I have only lived in three houses in that time so tried my work address as a long shot – nope not fucken that either. OMFG how can I of used another address and why would I. Also they can only find a record of one course even though I know for sure that I passed Principles of Canine Behavior. If they can’t find the others I don’t care and don’t really care that they aren’t on my record, shit maybe I wasted a whole year and didn’t pass anything but the Canine course. That would be good because then I would probably be below the minimum and qualify.
Grrr I am so shitty that I have got myself in this position. I am lonely as hell for my friends but they are all so busy and I am so down and shitty with myself that I probably wouldn’t be the best company anyway. FUCK, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck why do I do shit like this to myself. I know that I will dig myself out of this but at the moment it is just overwhelming that my little dog is sick (but doing well at the moment because of the extra vet care – BONUS and huge blessing) but my vet bill is behind. My car needs repairs and I have no money so that has to wait. Dealing with government departments is torture (not the person on the other end of the phones fault they don’t make the rules but fuck me). I was so excited about do the training for Animal Welfare but now the reality is setting in that because of my debt it may not happen. It’s not just the fees but the fact I would need to find a position and might have to move but I would also be earning quite a bit less but not sure if I can afford to pay my debt etc while doing that. Oh bah humbug that’s just all a reflection of my current mood. Grrr I just feel sad and alone and struggling. I will dig out of this but it’s taking me a bit at the moment and also taking all my energy just to get up and put on a happy face and carry on like normal.
One thing I am very grateful for is that I am living life sober, raw and real and none of this shittyness is going to take that from me. Even through this is a down phase I will come through this I just need to find my mojo again. My red blood count is down again so once again I am anemic which is causing exhaustion which isn’t bloody helping. Beep, beep, that’s me honking the horn of my happy little car getting ready to bounce over the ruts lol (see how silly I can be even without the booze). Gotta laugh or else I will cry at the moment.
I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.
I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.
I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.
Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.
Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!
Today is one of those days when I’m feeling lonely, there are people around but it’s not the people that I want around. I am missing my girlfriends and tonight they are feeling so far away. They are busy with family and friends and I understand and am trying to leave them alone as I know that they need to spend time with them. It’s not even a case of I’m jealous of their friends and family or upset that they are so busy because I really do understand. But I am missing them something terrible right now.
My friend leaves the country tomorrow night and this time I won’t be seeing her again until some time next year and that breaks my heart. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, email, messenger and what ever other way we can find to stay in contact. As she boards the plane I will be here and no doubt crying, I can already feel the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have this person in my life now and if it wasn’t for her lifestyle moving back and forwards between countries we would never of meet. Because of that I am grateful for her lifestyle and I love that she has so many amazing adventures but I am also sad and that is okay. She has told me that she will always be here for me but there is a big difference between having a friendship online and meeting every so often for a catch up. Online you can’t see how the person is, you can’t hear the emotion in their voice, you can’t read their body language or the way their face and eyes talk. Online you tend to grab moments when you can, try to keep it brief and things get missed out. We are all so damn busy in our lives as well that we mean to email etc and then things get in the way and it gets dropped down the list and next thing you know a bloody month has gone and nothing. Arrrgggghhhh now I’m just making myself sadder.
I am still waiting on test results for my little dogs kidneys and trying to stay positive there as well. My bestest little mate is in trouble and one of my BFF is moving away……….big sigh and mindfulness ain’t cutting it tonight.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now.
Bloody hell living the life of an alcoholic for over 20 years has had a huge impact on my life. I think I might as well of been living in the bloody bottle now that I can see just what a prisoner I was to it. It really does blow my mind to think that I seriously thought that I was doing okay and that I just had a problem with binge drinking and wasn’t an alcoholic at all, far out was I bullshitting myself. I look back now and I realize that I was burying myself in booze, numbing ANY feelings I could of had and totally isolated myself from everything except for having to go to work to feed my addiction. Now it wasn’t just the booze but things I hadn’t dealt with from my past as well which I was using the booze to self medicate and numb out my brain so I didn’t have to think about them. I have to be honest I don’t know if I drunk because of my history or if I would of been an alcoholic had I lived a totally happy life. That is something I will never know because I do know that when it comes to booze I have a faulty off switch that’s for sure.
Anyway I think I am procrastinating on what this part of the therapy session was about. I have not had nor have I been with a partner for over 20 years now. I am happy on my own but there are periods when I do get lonely or I think some things would be so much easier if I had a partner. I am a real believer in the attitude of if someone is out there and it is meant to happen it will. I am not closed off to the idea and if I did find some one that I loved and that treated me like their Princess while I treated them like my Prince or Princess (that’s right I am attracted to both) I would love it. But if it doesn’t happen that it totally fine as well because frankly I am having quite a good time getting to know myself which I truely don’t believe I have ever done. Am I bi-sexual, lesbian or heterosexual? Shit I don’t even have the answer to that one and I’ll answer it if I ever get the chance to figure it out. What I do know is one of the biggest turn on’s I have found is a person who is kind, caring compassionate, funny and basically not an arsehole 🙂 It would be a lie to say I don’t have a physical side that attracts be because I do and there is a “type” that attracts me.
Anyway that is once again diverting from what I’m trying to say here (sorry bit all over the place in my mind tonight) but it has struck me as strange that I haven’t worried about not having a partner for that long and I asked the therapist did she think it was linked with my rape at all. She asked me does the thought of having sex with a man repulse me because of the rapes? My answer was nope not at all if he is the right person, naturally I would be nervous after all this time but I would be nervous no matter what. Well she said her personal opinion is that it hasn’t been just because of the rapes but she does believe it is a lot to do with me being an alcoholic. She said when I was drinking did I want people around me? My answer was oh hell no, I didn’t want them around to judge how much or how quickly I drank. I didn’t even like answering the phone in the evening for fear that I would be slurring, I didn’t think I did but I might (and most likely bloody was). I honestly didn’t want anyone around me and my dirty little secret. Oh and the mornings after drinking I would always be hungover or flat so having another person around really wasn’t something I wanted. I have been drinking to excess for over 20 years so lets do the calculations 20+ years drinking = 20+ years single.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now and thank God for that. I really was living in a drunken cloud and now I am free.
When I was drinking I was so depressed and is it any wonder???? Seriously alcohol is a depressant, the heart medication I am on is a depressant, I already had a depressed part of me because of things that had happened earlier in my life. I seriously thought that I was dealing with it by drinking and numbing the feelings because I was too depressed to deal with them. I spent over 20 years just in a numb state because I thought that was an easier way to deal with things. You see one of the sad things about being an alcoholic is that it not only numbs but it takes away your logic and reasoning ability.
Alcohol along with your mind erodes your self esteem, numbs everything, makes you lonely, attracts weight gain, deteriorates your health, shrinks your bank account, wastes your life you have been blessed with. Nope I’m not being dramatic I just seeing now with a sober mind just what it did for me and that there was sadly fuck all benefits versus negatives. For me my self esteem had already had the shit kicked out of it and over the years I just bet up what ever was left over. I certainly was numb from the sad and the happy. Lonely well I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want them knowing my dirty secret and I wanted to be able to sink bottle after bottle without worrying about Timmy keeping up with me so I didn’t look like a person with a drinking problem. Well the weight gain was a given you can’t suck in that much alcohol every day and not have it take effect along with the fact you are normally always just sitting on your arse guzzling. Ahhh my bank balance is a very sad story but that might not be common I don’t know but in the end with my fucked up way of thinking I spent everything and my logic was if I didn’t have the money to buy alcohol I would stop drinking. Ummmm wrong, credit card companies love alcoholic me!! The waste my life part doesn’t really need much explanation except now sober me can see OMG there is so much living and life I want to grasp with both hands and say thank you Higher Power!!
Hmmm trying to think of the benefits helps you fit in socially (well with the party side but seriously you don’t need the booze to do that) which is lame growing up I certainly didn’t aspire to grow into this funny, drunken, rambling, slurring idiot just so I could fit in with others in the same state but shit that was where I ended up for a while). Hmm it is a lovely way to reward yourself, help unwind, recognize the start of a weekend. Oh please what a load of shit, what a reward guzzling poison into my body so that I could unwind that much that I would eventually pass out and start my weekend with a shitty hangover or if I was lucky waking up with stink alcohol breath, a mouth that felt like the desert had invaded over night, a crook tummy for the day (probs cause I had poisoned the poor thing). Yep what a great way to start the weekend and then to just retreat because I’m not up to doing anything more than what I have to do and I avoid people because I can’t be bothered.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me and tonight I did not start out to write the above but I am glad it has purged itself from my mind because that just reinforces that the best gift I have ever given myself is my sobriety.
This morning started in my favorite way by getting up at 5.30am and walking my two little heart beats (my dogs) at sunrise. I am finding that this is absolutely my favorite time of the time, the air is still, the slow increasing glow of the rising sun, the peaceful stillness of the neighborhood and 2 happy dogs in front of me, just bliss. Oh and we meet up with our new friend the elderly dog named Boss. He is so lovely and he gets so excited when he see’s us, of cause when he comes over the dogs all do what dogs do and have their rounds of butt sniffing as they do. Seriously gross and thank goodness it’s only a dog thing! But the whole time their tails and all wagging it’s so precious. By the time it was time to go to work I was in such a good mood and everything just felt right in the world.
I sigh even as I write the next part, this all changed when I started my working day. Most of the staff aren’t happy and they really seem to feed off each other with the negativity of it all. It makes it so hard to stay all happy, happy, joy, joy with that sort of atmosphere around you. There is also a lot of back stabbing going on which is horrible as well so I stay out of it all and just work. I kept saying to myself that I will not let them all ruin my beautiful mood and that worked until about lunch time and then I just started to fold. I found myself thinking it’s lonely being the odd one out that doesn’t want to get involved but I would rather be lonely then join in negative chat and have it slowly erode away any happiness I get in knowing that I actually do a bloody good job.
But I really do want to get out of there some how but wish I could figure out how. I am sick and tired of being in that negative environment. My job no longer challenges me, it was challenging enough doing it hung over when I was drinking and so routine that I didn’t need to think about it. I really feel like it is slowly killing my soul, I want to be helping animals, helping people, making a difference not just making more and more money for corporate bosses.
Living life sober, raw & real is the bestest as it is allowing me to see and feel. Without this awakened senses I wouldn’t be noticing stuff like this I would still be just turning up a functioning alcoholic.