Category Archives: Lonely

Habits / Addiction ~ Emotional Eating

The two in this image would have healthier habits than what I have I reckon and I’m not just talking about therr aprons. I have been looking more into my comfort eating and trying to figure out why I have it so bad. Sometimes I feel that when I think something is wrong and I start looking into it that you can find a problem with just about anything according to search results lol. But on a serious note I reckon that I have developed and probably have always had it a very unhealthy habit and am an emotional eater. My weight is slowly climbing higher and higher and yet I am always eating and the more that I eat the madder I get at myself for eating knowing damn well that I’m not hungry I my body is just telling me I want it and need it. One article I found about it made me cringe when I read this –

Eating sugars and fats releases opioids in our brains. Opioids are the active ingredients in cocaine, heroin, and many other narcotics. So the calming, soothing effects you feel when you eat ice cream and BBQ potato chips are real. And breaking these habits can be like kicking a drug habit. – “Sourced from – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/inside-out/201309/emotional-eating-5-reasons-you-can-t-stop

Oh delight so I give up alcohol and my body is now a chocolate, ice cream and rice cracker freakin addict!!! I kid you not I can eat a family size chocolate bar in one setting and a packet of 3 ice creams, not just 1 or and a decent amount of rice crackers each day. I feel like a total pig.

In my research so far there is a few things that struck a cord with me that has strong links to why I’m doing this –

  • Hormones – With Menopause passing through my life on and off apparently they don’t help. Sorry any guys reading this but I have itchy tits at the moment and with me that is a strong sign that my hormones are off. Must remember to take some of the stuff the doctor gave me tonight to try to settle them down again.
  • Loneliness – Is a repetitive reason for emotional eating. I am around people all day and personally prefer my dogs to being around people but I do miss having someone to go for walks with, talk with, go for coffee with etc. Loneliness is definitely a feature for me.
  • Stress – Here there, everywhere there has been stress lately.
  • Negative Self Talk – That happens a lot and is one of the causes of emotional eating along with the self eating causing negative self talk.
  • Love Of Food – Yep I love food, some members of my family can eat or not and they don’t seem to care less but me nope I have to have regular meals.
  • Inability to Tolerate Difficult Feelings – Umm Hello it’s me……… I think this is a huge one, I used to have the alcohol to take the edge of my feelings and then totally numb them. Now I take food to make me feel good and to distract me from my feelings.

That gives you a pretty rough outline of what I have found out so far anyway. I used to think oh well eat what you want it’s got to be healthier than all that boozing you used to do. I am now over 18 months sober and I think it’s time to start facing facts on this one I need to do something about my emotional eating.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and it is the best gift I have ever given myself.

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Human Relationships Are Hard / Dogs Are So Much Easier

What is it about human relationships that make it so darn hard?? Seriously I relate to, understand and feel 100% loved from my dogs. My friends I feel like it’s a conditional love and I don’t always understand it. I get that everyone is busy in life and that we all have goals and dreams that we are working towards but in order to keep the friendship alive there needs to be some interaction, right? Pretty much a given really ah in my mind, this is were I start to self doubt myself and think am I too needy? Am I insecure and my abandonment issues coming into play in my mind? They all probably have a really big part to play in all this. I thought I had it sussed but now I’m fucked if I know anymore.

Previous friendships have been either work buddies or drinking friendships. I have a couple of friendships left over from the drinking days who are awesome and we still meet up every couple of months along with a quick message to each other once a week to make sure everyone is okay. Oh and one of them is my concert buddy and we go together for concerts or shows so that is lovely.

Then comes the friends that I have made while on my sober journey and these are ladies that I love and admire and they are incredible. But, yep there is a but, they are all very family, goal, career etc focused and as much as I would love to hear from them they are all working their arses off to achieve these goals. I have to admit I got tired of always being the one to break the ice and told one of them that it would actually be nice if they reached out first for once. She did apologize and said that she means to but just gets busy and it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care and she would try to improve in that area. We do still make contact at least once a week but we are living in different time zones so it’s often a one sided conversation then a long delay between replies which can make it difficult as well.

What is it in the human nature that makes us crave a connection with other people / person? Why do we need it in our lives? It is well known that we do need it though and as much as it would be less painful to become a total loner I would be so incredibly lonely. I still love dogs more lol, they are so much easier. Oh horrible thought is it because they are trapped and so reliant on me for their basic needs? Nah if that was the case and they didn’t want to be with me they would run away at the park hahaha. Plus I can tell by the way they look at me and cuddle into me when sleeping that they love their Mum.

Living life sober, raw & real is the way I choose to be and it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I probably wouldn’t be pondering the above so much though……… oh hang on I probably would but I would probably have very dark thoughts about it all. Give your friends a quick message people don’t get so busy we forget each other.

Self Acceptance

I have seen numerous times people writing or even saying to me that you can’t expect to find love if you don’t love yourself first. Now I don’t have any qualifications in the subject but for me I say this is bullshit and here is why. I believe that if someone loves you, truly loves you for you and shows you unconditional love then it is possible from that to learn to love yourself. Hey if that theory works for you then great and I’m not saying it’s bullshit for everybody as I can only speak for myself. If someone was to love me for me I would be more likely to love myself as well.

Let’s break it down I do like myself but I do have trouble with my own self worth so don’t think you can love yourself without it. I have had a mother who suffered from a breakdown when I was born and never bonded with me. I had a father who was working so many jobs that I think he only came home to sleep. I had a brother who got heavily into drugs and instead of being the brother that looked out for his little sister instead he hurt her physically and mentally. I left home at 16 to move in with my then boyfriend who ended up getting into drugs and heavy drinking along with cheating who hurt me physically and mentally. These are the people that should of been my teachers as such in learning my worth and encouraging me while loving me.

Perhaps if someone loved me and treated me well and encouraged and praised me in life then it would have a positive impact in my healing and learning of self worth. Perhaps, who knows this is just another example of the ramblings that roll around in my head.

Living life sober gives me the chance to think and grow while learning more about myself. There is so much to learn and so much growing to do. Before I never thought about self love, self acceptance, self care but now I do and I think it is all positive growth.

Arrgh Sensitive Me Again

I having one of those extra sensitive moments, it’s okay and it will pass and I know that a lot of this has to do with me being a sensitive soul. I know that when I was drinking I was numbing everything and not feeling anything good or bad. I think now that as a result of this I feel things deeper and harder which can be quite overwhelming because I am really quite a sensitive soul, probably why I spent so much time making sure I wasn’t feeling anything.

Anyway my little purge tonight is just that my sensitive little soul over reading and over reacting and it needs to calm itself down. I am feeling sad that I seem to be the one of my friends that always takes the time to reach out and see how they are doing and to have a little chat regularly. But my sensitive soul is noticing that it’s always me doing the reaching and that hurts to be honest. I don’t quite know what to do as my mind over thinks it all and a part of me thinks what did I do? Was I too needy, did I annoy them by contacting too much? Like I get that people are busy but if you have friends don’t you make a little bit of time for them every so often? My mind is wondering if I just stop messaging for a while and see what happens or is that just being stupid?? Arrgggh what do I find relationships so complicated. Do I just keep going like nothing is wrong? I’m just feeling sad and blue about it all but I know this will most likely pass.

I need to calm it down and not upset myself, I need to be kind to myself and go within and figure out why I am having this insecure moment. I need to just know that I am loved and that people get busy and they have their own family and other friends. I need to trust that they aren’t bored with me and moving on. Maybe I need to learn how to reach out and tell them how I’m feeling, but will that blow the friendship. Oh geezzz stop it mind, just stop.

On a totally different note I have been thinking about my big fat fail at exercise and wondering what is it I need to do to motivate myself. Now I think anyone who has read a couple of my posts has figured out how much I love animals so I am thinking of a way that might work. I have already skydived to help raise funds for the SPCA and to me that was a huge mental challenge and tick on my bucket list. Well this time I am thinking of a physical challenge and there is a run / walk fund raising marathon for the SPCA in October this year. I searched fitness challenges for causes and it came up like a meant to be. Now there are 3 groups 5km’s, 12 km’s, 21.1 km’s (what the fuck is with the .1 seriously) OR the full marathon of 42.195 km’s (now .195??? this is getting ridiculous) . Guess which one I’m thinking of doing, if your gonna aim for a goal why not make it big right? And the bigger and harder the target the more likely people are to sponsor you for it. Oh and I would get to add marathon with a big fat tick to the completed list on my bucket list.

I’m living life sober and I’m determined to fucken rock it!!!

Current Mood – Struggling

Still here and still stuck in a bit of a rut, feeling sad, lonely, depressed and struggling. I am just struggling a bit at the moment but will ride it through. Some of you will remember when I was drinking so much at the end I spent all my money and then some throwing myself into debt. All of this was backed by the totally irrational thinking that if I had no money to buy my booze I wouldn’t be able to so would be forcing myself into giving up. Fuck I wish it was that easy, it’s not all it did was make me find more creative ways of funding e.g. getting more credit cards or store cards which the liquor outlets would accept running myself even further into debt. One thing it taught me is that an alcoholic will always find away if they want to. Anyway I am now 15 months sober but still deep, like up to my eyeballs in debt and it fucken sucks. I am spending all my money paying off the debt and paying vet expenses on my dogs. Let me make it clear I would spend and sell everything I own to keep my little dog with me for and extra hour, day, week so I do not begrudge that at all and do feel blessed that I have an income to do this with.

But I am starting to wonder if my dream of becoming and Animal Welfare Inspector is going to have to go on hold even longer and it is just feeling like it’s beyond reach. I have to find $6,000 to cover my course fees then money for text books, travel for when I have to attend uni and money for while I attend the week long courses 3 times through the year. Sadly the SPCA is only funded by about 1% from the government and the rest is from donations etc so the chances of them paying are zip. I am finding out if I can apply for fee free study BUT here is something I hadn’t thought about. While I was going through the craziness of leaving my ex and was full on an alcoholic I attended university and can you believe I can’t even remember if I passed and nor can I remember what I studied. I was such a fucken mess back then, seriously. Anyway I need to find out if I passed these subjects at all because if I have so many pass credits then I don’t qualify for the fee free. It has taken me 3 weeks of dealing with government departments to even get my student ID number. Christ I couldn’t even answer the minimum 3 questions to get the answers I want. First question = name, haha I got that right. Second question date of birth, snap got that one right. Third question what was my address when I was last studying, I have provided my last 3 addresses for the last 16 years but nope it’s none of them (apparently the last time I studied was 10 years ago, go figure). I know I have only lived in three houses in that time so tried my work address as a long shot – nope not fucken that either. OMFG how can I of used another address and why would I. Also they can only find a record of one course even though I know for sure that I passed Principles of Canine Behavior. If they can’t find the others I don’t care and don’t really care that they aren’t on my record, shit maybe I wasted a whole year and didn’t pass anything but the Canine course. That would be good because then I would probably be below the minimum and qualify.

Grrr I am so shitty that I have got myself in this position. I am lonely as hell for my friends but they are all so busy and I am so down and shitty with myself that I probably wouldn’t be the best company anyway. FUCK, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck why do I do shit like this to myself. I know that I will dig myself out of this but at the moment it is just overwhelming that my little dog is sick (but doing well at the moment because of the extra vet care – BONUS and huge blessing) but my vet bill is behind. My car needs repairs and I have no money so that has to wait. Dealing with government departments is torture (not the person on the other end of the phones fault they don’t make the rules but fuck me). I was so excited about do the training for Animal Welfare but now the reality is setting in that because of my debt it may not happen. It’s not just the fees but the fact I would need to find a position and might have to move but I would also be earning quite a bit less but not sure if I can afford to pay my debt etc while doing that. Oh bah humbug that’s just all a reflection of my current mood. Grrr I just feel sad and alone and struggling. I will dig out of this but it’s taking me a bit at the moment and also taking all my energy just to get up and put on a happy face and carry on like normal.

One thing I am very grateful for is that I am living life sober, raw and real and none of this shittyness is going to take that from me. Even through this is a down phase I will come through this I just need to find my mojo again. My red blood count is down again so once again I am anemic which is causing exhaustion which isn’t bloody helping. Beep, beep, that’s me honking the horn of my happy little car getting ready to bounce over the ruts lol (see how silly I can be even without the booze). Gotta laugh or else I will cry at the moment.

Feeling A Bit Lost

I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.

I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.

I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.

Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.

Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!

Missing My Friend’s

Today is one of those days when I’m feeling lonely, there are people around but it’s not the people that I want around. I am missing my girlfriends and tonight they are feeling so far away. They are busy with family and friends and I understand and am trying to leave them alone as I know that they need to spend time with them. It’s not even a case of I’m jealous of their friends and family or upset that they are so busy because I really do understand. But I am missing them something terrible right now.

Hate It When Friends Leave

My friend leaves the country tomorrow night and this time I won’t be seeing her again until some time next year and that breaks my heart. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, email, messenger and what ever other way we can find to stay in contact. As she boards the plane I will be here and no doubt crying, I can already feel the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have this person in my life now and if it wasn’t for her lifestyle moving back and forwards between countries we would never of meet. Because of that I am grateful for her lifestyle and I love that she has so many amazing adventures but I am also sad and that is okay. She has told me that she will always be here for me but there is a big difference between having a friendship online and meeting every so often for a catch up. Online you can’t see how the person is, you can’t hear the emotion in their voice, you can’t read their body language or the way their face and eyes talk. Online you tend to grab moments when you can, try to keep it brief and things get missed out. We are all so damn busy in our lives as well that we mean to email etc and then things get in the way and it gets dropped down the list and next thing you know a bloody month has gone and nothing. Arrrgggghhhh now I’m just making myself sadder.

I am still waiting on test results for my little dogs kidneys and trying to stay positive there as well. My bestest little mate is in trouble and one of my BFF is moving away……….big sigh and mindfulness ain’t cutting it tonight.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now.

Therapy Session 4.4

Bloody hell living the life of an alcoholic for over 20 years has had a huge impact on my life. I think I might as well of been living in the bloody bottle now that I can see just what a prisoner I was to it. It really does blow my mind to think that I seriously thought that I was doing okay and that I just had a problem with binge drinking and wasn’t an alcoholic at all, far out was I bullshitting myself. I look back now and I realize that I was burying myself in booze, numbing ANY feelings I could of had and totally isolated myself from everything except for having to go to work to feed my addiction. Now it wasn’t just the booze but things I hadn’t dealt with from my past as well which I was using the booze to self medicate and numb out my brain so I didn’t have to think about them. I have to be honest I don’t know if I drunk because of my history or if I would of been an alcoholic had I lived a totally happy life. That is something I will never know because I do know that when it comes to booze I have a faulty off switch that’s for sure.

Anyway I think I am procrastinating on what this part of the therapy session was about. I have not had nor have I been with a partner for over 20 years now. I am happy on my own but there are periods when I do get lonely or I think some things would be so much easier if I had a partner. I am a real believer in the attitude of if someone is out there and it is meant to happen it will. I am not closed off to the idea and if I did find some one that I loved and that treated me like their Princess while I treated them like my Prince or Princess (that’s right I am attracted to both) I would love it. But if it doesn’t happen that it totally fine as well because frankly I am having quite a good time getting to know myself which I truely don’t believe I have ever done. Am I bi-sexual, lesbian or heterosexual? Shit I don’t even have the answer to that one and I’ll answer it if I ever get the chance to figure it out. What I do know is one of the biggest turn on’s I have found is a person who is kind, caring compassionate, funny and basically not an arsehole 🙂 It would be a lie to say I don’t have a physical side that attracts be because I do and there is a “type” that attracts me.

Anyway that is once again diverting from what I’m trying to say here (sorry bit all over the place in my mind tonight) but it has struck me as strange that I haven’t worried about not having a partner for that long and I asked the therapist did she think it was linked with my rape at all. She asked me does the thought of having sex with a man repulse me because of the rapes? My answer was nope not at all if he is the right person, naturally I would be nervous after all this time but I would be nervous no matter what. Well she said her personal opinion is that it hasn’t been just because of the rapes but she does believe it is a lot to do with me being an alcoholic. She said when I was drinking did I want people around me? My answer was oh hell no, I didn’t want them around to judge how much or how quickly I drank. I didn’t even like answering the phone in the evening for fear that I would be slurring, I didn’t think I did but I might (and most likely bloody was). I honestly didn’t want anyone around me and my dirty little secret. Oh and the mornings after drinking I would always be hungover or flat so having another person around really wasn’t something I wanted. I have been drinking to excess for over 20 years so lets do the calculations 20+ years drinking = 20+ years single.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now and thank God for that. I really was living in a drunken cloud and now I am free.

Drinking Is Stealing Your Life All While Your Under It’s Influence

When I was drinking I was so depressed and is it any wonder???? Seriously alcohol is a depressant, the heart medication I am on is a depressant, I already had a depressed part of me because of things that had happened earlier in my life. I seriously thought that I was dealing with it by drinking and numbing the feelings because I was too depressed to deal with them. I spent over 20 years just in a numb state because I thought that was an easier way to deal with things. You see one of the sad things about being an alcoholic is that it not only numbs but it takes away your logic and reasoning ability.

Alcohol along with your mind erodes your self esteem, numbs everything, makes you lonely, attracts weight gain, deteriorates your health, shrinks your bank account, wastes your life you have been blessed with. Nope I’m not being dramatic I just seeing now with a sober mind just what it did for me and that there was sadly fuck all benefits versus negatives. For me my self esteem had already had the shit kicked out of it and over the years I just bet up what ever was left over. I certainly was numb from the sad and the happy. Lonely well I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want them knowing my dirty secret and I wanted to be able to sink bottle after bottle without worrying about Timmy keeping up with me so I didn’t look like a person with a drinking problem. Well the weight gain was a given you can’t suck in that much alcohol every day and not have it take effect along with the fact you are normally always just sitting on your arse guzzling. Ahhh my bank balance is a very sad story but that might not be common I don’t know but in the end with my fucked up way of thinking I spent everything and my logic was if I didn’t have the money to buy alcohol I would stop drinking. Ummmm wrong, credit card companies love alcoholic me!! The waste my life part doesn’t really need much explanation except now sober me can see OMG there is so much living and life I want to grasp with both hands and say thank you Higher Power!!

Hmmm trying to think of the benefits helps you fit in socially (well with the party side but seriously you don’t need the booze to do that) which is lame growing up I certainly didn’t aspire to grow into this funny, drunken, rambling, slurring idiot just so I could fit in with others in the same state but shit that was where I ended up for a while). Hmm it is a lovely way to reward yourself, help unwind, recognize the start of a weekend. Oh please what a load of shit, what a reward guzzling poison into my body so that I could unwind that much that I would eventually pass out and start my weekend with a shitty hangover or if I was lucky waking up with stink alcohol breath, a mouth that felt like the desert had invaded over night, a crook tummy for the day (probs cause I had poisoned the poor thing). Yep what a great way to start the weekend and then to just retreat because I’m not up to doing anything more than what I have to do and I avoid people because I can’t be bothered.

Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me and tonight I did not start out to write the above but I am glad it has purged itself from my mind because that just reinforces that the best gift I have ever given myself is my sobriety.