Okay I made it threw New Years sober people, I am so proud. It was a very stressful time at work and the desire burned hard in strong to just go fuckit and start drinking again just to bring on the numb feeling that I loved so much. I can’t believe that after 6 months I still swing from “I really want a drink” to “I am never going to drink again” it is a vicious roller coaster which I have to stay on guard for all of the time.
There is something that I have noticed that now makes me feel uncomfortable and that is how my friends are to me now. It is like they are uncomfortable being around me as I make them feel uncomfortable with their own drinking habits. I am not sure if they have stopped asking me to meet up with them because of this or if it is because I have become a recluse and just don’t want to be around them while they are drinking alcohol at the moment. People start talking about the night before and then it is like they get uncomfortable talking about it with me there. I have tried telling them it’s okay them talking about the night’s before don’t affect me. This is not totally true it is more likely to make me stay away from it.
There are so many things that I enjoy about not drinking but the little sucker still rides on my shoulder. I am a bit worried at the moment as my brother is moving in with me soon. His wife has decided that she doesn’t want to be married after 20 years and he doesn’t have anywhere else to go as he is leaving her with the house and everything in it for now so it doesn’t affect their kids to much. Anyway he is coming and his emotions are all over the place. I am going to find it stressful to have an extra person in the house (along with his dog) and the fact that he smokes and drinks is not going to be helpful to me. But family is family and you do not turn your back on them in their time of need. Also I do not have the heart to ask him not to smoke and drink here as I want him to be comfortable and to be able to relax and take his time to sort out where he is going to go from here.