Some times I get really pissed off with myself!!!! I was, no have been, doing really great with my weight loss and shaping up. I have lost almost 10kg’s and have dropped a few sizes in my clothes. I fell great about this but then came a friendly warning from my friend / trainer – “I want to know what is your goal weight?” my reply “I don’t have one”. She looked at me with a look of really, raised eye brows, “how far are you going to take this?” my reply “Until I feel good about myself”. At this stage I couldn’t even look her in the eye. She said “but you look great, your face has changed and is now drawn in how about stopping now?” my reply “no I have still got to lose all of this” standing there holding on to my spare tyre around my belly. She just laughed at me and said “we all have parts of us that we are not happy with we have to learn to live with them, I repeat you look great how about stopping now? You can’t afford to keep losing when you already have tummy problems in your life we need to leave you with reserve for those times when you get ill. So how about saying I am happy where I am now?” I didn’t know what to say at this point and said ” I would think about it”. Her come back comment was what threw me – “I am worried that you are taking your addiction from drinking and instead turning that addiction into a weigh loss addiction. Not only that but part of your personality is you are OCD and once you commit to something you take it to extremes.” I had not even seen this link before she said it.
Just so it is clear I love this lady to bits, like a sister and I love her direct nature so I am not offended by her saying this to me I am grateful that she has spoken her mind. She was worried that I would be offended but I wasn’t. Later I was able to tell her I wasn’t upset with her for speaking up and saying it to me. I understand that she loves me and you don’t hurt the people that you love, it’s not rocket science and thanked her for being her. There are actually no other people that can speak to me like this and I thank God everyday for bringing her into my life.
Anyways (sorry once again I am all over the place getting this out of my head) the reason I am pissed with myself is that I have now enjoyed a week of eating what ever I want, I have not been to the gym once and now I feel disappointed in myself. It’s one of those times when this weekend I intended to go to the gym both days but instead this morning I woke up and I was so incredibly tired, exhausted call it what you will. I ended up taking the dogs for their walk after hanging out all the washing, coming home sitting on the computer for an hour, going to the shops, coming home and taking a Nana nap with the dogs, took the dogs to the park for play date, came home did the ironing, cooked dinner and that has been it for the day. LAZY comes to mind, I feel since giving up drinking that I have so much to do and so little time to do it in because I have wasted the last 20 years as a functioning drunk. It was almost as if I used her talk to give myself permission to slack right off.
Tomorrow is another day let’s see if I can be more productive then and go to the gym and get a workout in!!!!! I am suffering depression again and that alone should be another reason why I get off my arse and go to the gym for those happy vibes it produces.
What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain). While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.
This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.
Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.
Now please don’t get upset with my for the heading because I myself come under that title. Oh and I have the proof to back it up I put on my big girl undies on the weekend and got off my big fat arse and joined a gym. The reason for the title is have you guys ever seen the Bruce Willis movie “Sixth Sense” where the little boy keeps seeing dead people? While think of how it says that in a quiet whisper of “I see dead people” and that is how I feel. And it is haunting me as I go out and do things like grocery shopping I just kept running into fat people and it just made me sad. It also made me think I don’t want to be like this anymore. After 20 years of hard drinking I have decided that I want to try to get this weight off my body. I want to feel healthy, I want to fit all the items I have in the draws and wardrobe at home that I purchased feeling to fat to try them on in the shop. Once home I would try them on and then just about sob as I looked in the mirror and realized that I looked like that fucken Michellin Man or just that sinking feeling once you slip it on and you feel it grip you know every bulge is on public display.
Anyway since making this decision everywhere I go I notice fat people and I am not seeing any of them as fat and jolly at all. They just look sad, depressed and ashamed – just like me. I have passed the 60 days sober mark and I am hoping that I am not setting up another challenge to soon. My reasoning is how long do I want to wait and for how long am I prepared to use coping with one thing at a time as an excuse? I want it now damn it and I am prepared to work my arse off. Now my trainer (who is a very dear friend) did all the measurements and pinching with the body fat claws and came up with the result that I am currently sitting at around 45% body fat (told you I have the proof). I figure that is like an extra person free loading on me. This freeloader is making me very tired and has got to go!!!
So off we trot to the gym and you know what I really enjoyed the work out. I also enjoyed hanging with a friend and enjoying each others company. It has lifted my sprit and left me with a sense of achievement. I have taken the first step people, I have lift off from the couch. I have gone from a person that just over a couple of months ago was worried that I was actually going to die from the way I, yes I no one else ME, was treating my body. I am on heart pressure medication and I am on double what my Dad is on. Dad is twice my age has had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass but he is half the medication I am on. SHAME ON ME. But I am working towards changing this and feel good about my decision.
Well that’s what my brain was yelling at me as I drove past the wholesalers on my way home. Next turn off it’s not to late you can cut down that road and go to the supermarket and grab a box of cider,
I thought the temptation was over until I got my mail and found a letter saying that there is a problem with my wiring in the house and I need to get it seen to ASAP. Oh fuck my life, seriously give me a break how the hell am I going to find the money for that???? Then the little arsehole in my brain steps up in full force. FUCK IT get back in the car and go and get that box, you have had a full on day now this shitty news going and get the box so you can relax and unwind. I am exhausted, upset and sober and hanging on to that last part SOBER, I don’t want to tempt fate by saying “Give it your best shot, you can go to hell, I will not give up because of the shit life can fling at you” but I don’t want to tempt whatever “it is” that I would be saying this too.
Oh well day 9 sober and I am sure it will get better PLEASE. On the good news I have lost .7kg’s that’s more than just your morning poop right??? When I started this I was at 80.6kg’s today I weighed in at 79.9kg’s so that is a positive. Anyways to my followers I love you all in a weird we have never meet but appear to be sharing a common bond sort of way, if your wanting to stay sober with me let’s stay strong together and support each other, Night All, hoping for a better less rough day tomorrow XOXOXO