Well I am going to be celebrating my first year sober this month and I highlighted those two parts because there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I will make the date and there is also no doubt in my mind that this first year won’t be my only year sober. There is something that I want to share with anyone out there starting on their own sober journey or even thinking about starting on one. There are going to be good days and there are also going to be some totally shitty days both of which will pass. Please I am no expert and have not studied on this subject nor have I ever attended a single AA meeting so what I offer here is just my own personal experience in the hope that it might help someone make it through those shitty days. This is nothing more than sharing what I experienced in the hope that if they are going through some of the journey I went traveled it’s okay it is normal and you will survive.
Addiction is an incredibly powerful beast and it tapped into my brain and caused some of the biggest battles I have ever had to fight in my life. It had me ready to take my own life, it had me with so much self loath, self pity, worthlessness and helpless all at once. It was exhausting fighting my own voices in my head there was a constant battle going on in my head and it was forever trying to wear me down while another part of me was trying to fight back and keep going. I realize now that it was my addicted brain talking and trying it’s hardest to get me to give in and say “fuck it” and give in to it. It was not a rational thinking and it wanted me to either take my life or turn off the voices by drinking myself in to a numb state that I couldn’t feel that way anymore. Problem with the second option is that I would of had to wake up and face that I had given up my sober journey and that would of just fueled the self hate I had in me. It took me a while to work out that my brain wasn’t crazy as such but that it was the power of my addicted mind that was trying to take control. My message is KEEP GOING you have the power in your own mind to take on this demon because it is your mind that is fighting on both sides. The longer you can hold on the stronger you will become against the arsehole. If you are experiencing any of what I have just described its okay you are not crazy and you are not alone. If you need help please go and get some. If I can help I am more than happy to have you reach out to me here please just let me know, if I can use my experience to make someone else’s journey easier I am fine with that.
Do I still have times when I would love a drink? Hell yes! Do I want to drink ever again? Hell no! What is the difference? I loved the buzz that drinking brought me, I loved that it helped to switch my over active mind off and just numb itself, I loved the fact that I was more socially accepted while I was drinking. BUT I don’t want to drink again because I don’t ever want to have to fight that demon again, I would be so upset I don’t know if I would make it back again, if people need me to drink to make me more socially acceptable (I think that it makes them feel more comfortable about their own drinking to be honest). As for the numbing and the buzz I haven’t found anything to replace those yet and I do miss them but I am hoping given more time and maybe some counseling I can settle some demons and not need to numb them out anymore. STAY STRONG guys and gals you can do this, if anyone tells you giving up an addiction is easy I wonder just what level their addiction was at in the first place.
Found this one is drafts, goodness knows how I missed publishing can’t even blame being drunk lol. But it is still part of my journey so publishing now.
Just wanted to give you all a quick catch up I am STILL sober and will stay that way. I still suffer from bouts of depression but am now aware enough to realize that I would be feeling this way with or without alcohol. But the depression cloud does not hang over me so heavy when I no longer have to work through hangovers. I enjoy just living in the moment as much as it was great to numb things that I wasn’t enjoying in my life it is easier to deal with them and move on without the alcohol. Booze certainly numbed it but guess what the problem was still there it didn’t go away I still had to deal with it and now I can move on quicker.
For those of you that are just starting a sober journey I wish you the best of luck and my advice for you is do what feels right for you in your sober journey. If AA is for you do it, if AA doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. If the book or if you are in a country with meetings Rational Recovery works for you then do it, if Rational Recovery doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. I could go on with all the different things that have worked for different people and I think you are seeing the key here DO WHAT IS GOING TO WORK FOR YOU!!! But do try things and keep trying until you do find the right thing for you. If you follow these sober blogs on here do encourage each other as it can be extremely lonely world being sober on your own when you are used to a world of drinking.
Well I have enjoyed posting this and sharing my wisdom (for what it was worth) with you all. I really, really hope it helps someone, anyone or even everybody that takes time to read this. Don’t give up, do believe in yourself and if you trip and fall (do use what ever you are addicted to) please pick yourself up and start again until you succeed.
One thing I do want to do is to thank the people on here that I either followed, had follow me, commented on my posts, shared my posts and encouraged me. You have all made a huge difference in my life and I don’t think I would of survived some of the darkest moments without you all xxxxxx – Love, Peace and Energy to You with the biggest hug of thanks I can send.
Yesterday my Dad talked a bit about my brother and the situation and it was highlighted to me that my parents are both getting older now (late 70’s) and that I would probably always have to look out for my brother. We discussed that even with us pointing out to my brother that his drug taking has in fact done brain damage he simply can not see it. He does not think with the logic a normal person should and it is like living with a damn teenager even though he is 49. After hearing that fact I was seriously ready to bolt back into my teenage years myself and run away. I want to run away from the responsibility that I never asked for and I don’t want to have to be around to guide him and try to direct him in the right direction. Actually who the hell am I to think I know the direction he should take anyway?? And yet a part of me knows that this is true and that while still letting him live his life I do have to be ready to step in when required. My parents have been doing this all his life and I think they are worried that no one else will be around to do it when they pass. That and they are getting tired and don’t have the energy to deal with it all anymore.
Last night my brother went out and when he came home I knew that he was either drunk, stoned or both. He was all sheepish and glad to find me sitting with headphones on working on my laptop so neither of us had to make conversation. This morning he gets up and says oh shit I shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t of driven in that state. Seriously I am dealing with the mind of a teenager, what person of his age can’t either stay the night where you get in that state, call a cab, call me (putting up with my shittyness would of been better than getting DIC or worse hurting / killing someone else on our roads. What a fucken dumb arse, seriously wake the hell up. I basically got a rev up of a very similar nature before he left for work.
Later my Dad comes around to continue helping me with the fence and he mentioned that I looked tired to which I explained that I had been up very late. I told him that I was working and didn’t see the point of going to bed to be woken up again when my brother came in by the dogs barking at his entrance. I told him that I could tell my brother was either drunk or stoned and that the dickhead had even made comment that he shouldn’t drive. My Dad’s reply was that if he is any where near those drugs again he can fuck off out of this house and out of our lives he will not help him again if he has gone back to them. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was back on the drugs. I have mentioned to my Mum that he is taking them again and her reply was for God’s sake don’t tell your father, now I can see why. Now I didn’t not tell my Dad to protect my brother in fact I did not tell my Dad to protect him from the obvious pain it would cause again and from him cutting my brother out of our life. If this was to happen my Mum would be devastated as her and my brother have an amazingly close bond. There was a time that my brother was so screwed up with drugs that for years we did not know if he was dead or alive or where in the world he was. For these years there was also a sense of sadness in my mother and I could not bear to see her like that ever again.
All of this makes me hate drugs and alcohol with such a deep passion that I didn’t even realize it was there. I am an alcoholic and have no doubt that the addiction gene is so strong in my family. Someone said would your brother go to rehab and get some help, my reply a person has to first admit that they have a problem before they can accept help for it. My brothers brain is so damaged by the drugs and I know what mental games addiction can cause that I doubt he will ever be willing to get help for something he views as not a problem.
OMGosh I can be such a bitch with a sarcastic tongue that has a venom that slaps out. Sometimes I am shocked myself by the level of my inner bitterness. I have a side that can be so loving and compassionate and yet another side that is so angry it is like living with Jekyl and Hyde. I am working so hard on trying to tame the inner bitch but it just comes out and bitch slaps me so hard. I can feel it coming with a grumpiness that starts to boil over into just being a bitch.
I know my trigger and it is drugs and alcohol. I have become this person that has no tolerance for people that participate in either and become very judgmental of them for their choices. I am pissed with my brother for still taking drugs and I am tense when around him while he is drinking. I am pissed with the person who is selling him the drugs and suspect that it is a person at our work who is selling it to him (yes we currently live together but we also work together, not healthy). I am pissed with the ones that are uses at work as if they have had an evening together they really do have a I can’t be fucked day at work. You would think that my boss would be unhappy with this but he also partakes in this behavior. Out of my 4 bosses that I have had in the past 12 years 2 of them have been drug takers and one was without doubt an alcoholic.
Anyway focusing back on the problem I hate my inner bitchiness and that sarcasm that comes with it. Why the hell can’t I just relax and let people live their lives the way they want to and not be such a judgmental cow? If there is a part of our character that we hate why is it so hard to just stop it? It is so rude and also it is tiring wasting my energy judging others and being shitty.
Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.
My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.
I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.
How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment? I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.
Well my brother has been living with me coming up a month now and I thought it would be really hard to have him around with his drinking. What I didn’t count on was his drinking and his smoking dope around me also. But you know what I was worried that it would make me want to drink and that I would fold and end up joining him every night for a drinking session. Instead I am super happy to say that it has actually driven my in the opposite direction.
On his first night here I brought himself a box of beer and brought me a box of cider. I am not going to lie OMG I could of sat down and drunk the whole box, talk about making your mouth water. I almost felt dizzy with the desire to crack open that first bottle. But I didn’t instead I told him that I am happy on my no drinking buzz at the moment and that I really didn’t feel like drinking right now. He was disappointed that I wouldn’t be joining him but did not push the issue. Now most nights I still look at him drinking and my damn mouth still waters lol.
But the fact that I see him drinking and smoking every night also has me thinking that I don’t want to go back to spending my nights like that anymore. I volunteer for a Facebook page that posts Lost and Found pets in the hope that we can find their owners, if I was drinking I would not be able to focus on it as well as I do. There is also another thing that stops me from reaching for the bottle and that is what I have had to go through to get to where I am now. I have experienced some of the lowest lows to the point that I did not have the energy to fight the shitty head game that comes with this addiction. I openly told a friend that I just wanted to end it all and I was serious. I didn’t want to have to keep living a life where I was having a battle in my head repeatedly everyday with one voice screaming have a drink and the other voice yelling back shut the fuck up. It was exhausting mentally and physically and I just didn’t have the energy to keep going fighting it anymore and the only way I could see myself at peace was to be dead. I can see now that drinking is what got me to that point, OMG it is so powerful how it plays tricks on your mind with your own mind. It is horrible to be full on in battle with yourself all the time, talk about feeling like a mental headcase. I never want to go back to being that low again and I can see clearly enough now to realize that if I started drinking again either that would end up killing me as my weight once again rises and my blood pressure builds up to off the charts. Mentally I would be disgusted with myself and the self loath would be huge. Even if I was able to stop again I don’t know if with the new layer of personal loathing that I would be able to deal with another more powerful round of self loathing and not kill myself this time round. I am just not prepared to let myself slip back into that bullshit again.
For anyone that is going anything that sounds remotely like the above my heart goes out to you. Please hold on the ride is shit but there really is better on the other side of it. I have now been sober for 8 months and are in a much better head space and physically my body and health are doing so much better. As I was walking my dogs early in the morning on my weekend I realized how much I love the calm of early mornings. It is like the rest of the neighborhood are still sleeping but I am out there with my two best buddies in the beautiful morning air and I feel amazingly calm and refreshed from a good sleep. I used to have crap sleeps when I was drinking with waking up through out the night and often struggling to go back to sleep until about 1/2 an hour before get up time. It was rubbish this is such a better way to start my day and I would of never of enjoyed such bliss while I was still drinking. There are so many simple things like this that make my life so much better that I just wouldn’t have had I still been drinking.
Sorry I hope this ramble to clear a bit of space in my head all makes sense as I don’t have time to proof read it tonight. But I really want to reinforce if you are suffering depression and having suicidal thoughts you are robbing yourself the chance of so many beautiful things that you are going to find as you recover. Hang in there and give me a holla I know what you are going through, I know it is fucken hard and that it feels like no one understands where you are at. You are not alone there are so many of us out here that are willing to offer you words of encouragement. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.
Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.
I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem
There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.
I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”