What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain). While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.
This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.
Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.
Well here we are, Sunday night after 14 days of no booze YAY for me. This weekend I really did enter into the danger zone with finding that I had enough cash left over that I could go and buy a box of Cider if I wanted to. Let me explain a bit further. I am basically having to live from pay day to pay day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was spending far to much of my income on alcohol each week. Anyway I had booked an appointment at a posh hairdresser to have my hair colored, cut and straightened. This is something that I have never really worried about before and I had no idea how much it would cost and this place was not the sort where they put the prices up for you to see. I had just over $300 left to get me through to my next pay and to cover this appointment so I was to scared to spend any of this money on booze as how embarrassing would it be in a place like that to say oops I don’t have enough to pay you. It would be embarrassing anywhere I know but I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go to this sort of place as it was and already felt uncomfortable with my low self esteem. I actually came close so many times to cancelling the appointment and just going to buy my booze BUT I didn’t and I was able to still have enough to pay for my new hairdo. The danger zone came about when I still had $100 spare afterwards, my nerves where right on edge from pushing myself and doing this, so who raised its ugly head?
That’s right that bitch voice alcohol hungry brain. Toot, toot hey you, yeah you why don’t you celebrate and go and buy a box of cider (funny how my voice always talks to me in boxes and not A DRINK don’t you think). Come on we can go and get a box now, it’s Saturday and you have just achieved a milestone, let’s go! I even drove to the damn supermarket to purchase it. I went into the supermarket put some vegetables and fruit into my basket then around to the alcohol aisle. I looked up that aisle and saw people up there studying the different wines and then spotted my box of cider sitting in the chiller section. Oh it looked inviting, I could taste it, I could feel that first mouth full in my mouth, being swallowed and then swigging down my next. Then I could also visualize that leading to me drinking till I fell asleep on the couch, woke up finished drinking whatever was left in the bottle and thinking about another one before dragging my arse off to bed. I could picture waking up the next morning and being busting for a pee and stumbling to the loo. I pictured myself on the loo thinking to myself oh God I feel like crap again, I could feel my high blood pressure pounding through my head and body. I could feel that sinking feeling of shit am I going to have a stroke or heart attack today because it is pumping so high. I could feel the headache and dry mouth, you know I have no idea how long I stood there. I do know that I pissed some people off as they had to maneuver their trollies around me. I thought to myself oh fuck that NO tomorrow is my 14 days sober so close to my goal don’t stop now. And I walked on, I WALKED ON, I wanted to turn back so badly but I didn’t. I got a few extra items and left that supermarket and still have $50 left over.
Hope that didn’t bore you all to much as it has taken me ages to focus and type this. Yep my mind is still wandering, some days it just fucks right off on me I have no idea where it goes maybe to get a rest from the crazy fight it seems to have with itself. Take care everyone, be strong we can do this together, we can, YES WE CAN.
Man I am being given some awesome support on here from you beautiful people, thank you so much. We can walk this journey together and if I can help any of you just holla.
Now I do want to point something out to you as some of you super duper people have commented or messaged me that you are only up to day X of being sober this time around. This is not my first time of trying to get off the crazy alcohol powered train!! There have been numerous attempts and even though I am at day 12 now I give total respect to those of you that are up to day 1, 2 , 3 ——– 50000 where ever you are at I salute you. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS and the fact that you are trying is AWESOME.
I am not the most intelligent person but I am very smart and pretty quick at thinking on my feet. I am also holding down a good job in a Mangament position and work very hard BUT I find the fact that alcohol has such strength over my mind and body frustrating as hell. It has damaged my spirit, self esteem, health, motivation and in return it has given me depression, low self esteem, being over weight etc I think you get the picture and there are many more things I could add to this list.
Shit sorry my mind is wandering again now and I am having trouble staying focused on this topic (people tell me this will pass). My main point of this post is to say you are all beautiful, please feel free to comment anytime and never ever be shy to say I am only at day 1, 2, 3—-50000 whatever or that oh shit I fell off the bus last night this is not a blog made for judging each other but for helping. It is here for people to be honest and themselves, swear if you want your not out in the public mall and have to be careful with what language you use and as far as I know there are no children following this.
Be strong people and help each other.
Six days in and oh shit I want a drink even watching Coronation Street (don’t laugh Coro Street is a connection I have with my Nana that has passed and I actually like it) do you realize how much drinking they do on this programme? Flippin heck I guess I never used to notice because I already had a bottle with me and that was normal. Anyway after pacing around the house, playing with the dogs, standing in the kitchen saying Fuckballs the thought came into my head that I could drive to the shop and get some alcohol. After all I am sober for the first time at night for a very long time. I actually had to stand there and mentally talk to myself and say no FYANM (short for my Fuck You Alcohol No More). How the hell can I be such an intelligent person and still let this alcohol suck me in to thoughts like this!!!! I was so close to jumping in my car.
I think that it hasn’t helped that a part of the reason why I have stopped is because alcohol and my blood pressure just don’t agree. I have been feeling like crap for the last few weeks and have no doubt that I achieved some extreme BP levels. Today I had to go to my Doctor for a checkup and repeat prescription of my BP med’s and even after only 6 days it has dropped to give a good reading of 128/82. Did I leave there celebrating the fact I got a good reading??? Nope I drove out of there thinking oh maybe I can have some drinks this weekend after all. Maybe I could just have some drinks on weekends and stay sober during the weeks. SERIOUSLY I REPEAT HOW CAN I BE SO INTELLIGENT ON MOST THINGS BUT NOT THIS?
Good news is I haven’t jumped in my car instead I am sitting here posting this. I got my first 2 followers today and thought how strange that it made me feel happy and I think that even though they are strangers it means I am not alone. Even though they are strangers through alcohol we have something very much in common.