Holy Shit Batman I have to be honest that I didn’t even think I was going to be reaching the point this time round. There has been many shitty days, emotional days, cloudy days and feeling like crap days in the mix. My mind is a powerful tool and it has put up a really strong fight with itself, maybe left brain fighting right brain I’m not sure, and I am winning.
Oh yesterday was recycle bin collection time. I don’t know why I find this day so significant but I think it was because I used to feel ashamed putting out my overflowing bin for the whole neighborhood to see. I am in my mid 40’s and my parents come around to my house a lot while I am at work and I would cringe at the thought of them seeing my recycle bin if the truck hadn’t been past to empty it before they saw it. I also have a friend that has moved into the neighborhood that use to kindly do some personal training with me and she knows about my drinking problem but I still felt ashamed of her seeing my over flowing bin (even though she is the only person that knows of my problem and is the most non-judgmental person I know) and seeing just how much I did drink behind closed doors. It’s weird some parts of me could not give a flying fuck what some people think of me except my family and close friends. As for caring what my neighborhood thinks of me it comes down to the fact that I don’t like to be judged as not normal. I want to go unnoticed and to not be judged on my drinking problem. ANYWAYS for the running update once again I decided my recycle bin did not warrant putting out by the roadside and it’s contents is now – 7 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 1 X Conditioner Bottle. Interesting enough I have had the past week off work and I was here as the truck drove around emptying everyone’s bins and I found myself smiling as I listened to the loud clanking and crashing noises of the bins that did have empty alcohol bottles in them. You guys better hope I get that darn bin emptied sometime soon so you don’t have to keep hearing about it hahahaha.
This week I had another first with a social / meeting that involved food and drinks for everyone there. They had even gone to the trouble of buying my favorite drink, Speights Cider, damn! I managed to turn down the drink when offered to me while telling them I was so sorry I am doing Dry July (not sure if that is a world wide thing or just something here in NZ, people give up drinking for the month of July in support of Cancer, some get sponsorship to take part and donate the money raised to the Cancer Society). To say I was doing this was much easier than explaining why I did not want to drink and got accepted with ease. It also made it easier for me to focus because if I backed down and drank I would of looked like a right arsehole in everyone’s eyes. At one stage someone walked past my chair carrying one of those Speights Ciders and I watched the bottle as it passed, my mouth filled with saliva as my body screamed “Get One” I had to drop my head and refocus my mind to no. I did find it hard to stay focused at the meeting and hope I don’t have to attend another one anytime soon but now at least I know I can do it.
Finishing this one off with more positives –
- My headaches are easing and somedays I don’t have any.
- My concentration spans are lasting longer.
- I have completed reading a whole book (something that I haven’t been able to do for years)
- I don’t need to worry that I have only a few dollars left in my bank while waiting for payday because there is nothing that I really need where as before I would of been in a panic and trying to work out how I was going to pay for another box of cider.
- My dog’s are happier with the new me.
Oh I just about forgot I have started a new book called “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know” by George W.” and I read something in there I thought I would share with you all.
As addicts, we’ve abused the hell out of ourselves, often for months or years. Now our bodies are in shock, our minds are confused and disoriented, and we generally loathe everything and everybody, including ourselves. We didn’t get sick overnight, and we certainly won’t get well overnight, either. But this will pass and things will get better, if you can just hang in there for another twenty-four hours.
Now I don’t know about the loathe everything and everybody but I am going through a battle of loathing myself for being an intelligent person but still letting a liquid poison have so much control over my body for so long even when I realized I had a problem years ago. But for now I am starting to feel prouder of myself for fighting back and winning. I draw strength for all of the other amazing people blogging on here that are helping me realize that the crazy thoughts in my head are normal for us. I am just a normal person.
Love to You All and Let’s Look After Each Other.