I’m having one of those OMG I feel so freakin blessed because I am living life sober moments in my life. I am so happy that I am sober but this is one of those I’m feeling like something is shining down on me sort of moments. But it’s not because of anything huge but because of all the little things that I am noticing and because of all the little things that are possible because I am sober and well dare I say it awake. There is a difference between sober awake and living life drinking as an alcoholic sober! Let me explain the little things from the last few days that are making me feel this way.
On Friday I had the day off work as I was going to get my hair done, oh let me tell you something not related to feeling good about my hair (sorry just a little side track). All of a sudden it has taken on this weird life of it’s on and it gets greasy by lunch time up the top and the hair has actually got thicker!!! Fuck it pisses me off because I am the type of girl that has to wash her hair everyday and shower at least once a day because my OCD HATES being dirty so the fact my hair looks dirty is a big deal to me. Anyway it turns out it is part of menopause along with that old hair on my chinny chin chin, FUCK YOU menopause you little bitch! Should be grateful I’m still alive to be going through it but I’m still allowed to have feelings about shit like that lol.
Anyway that was off topic I put on a load of washing and the bloody machine stopped working and came up with an error code. Damnit I think let’s see if we can sort this out ourselves. I slipped on my big girl panties (in my mind only) and got out the owner manual and then checked the outlet hose for blockages. Nope didn’t work so tried the old unplug from the wall and let it reset itself for a bit. Hmm nope that didn’t work either running out of time so had to leave it with the load of washing sitting in there grrrrr. Off to have my hair done (and discuss what we could do about the bloody greasy hair).
After the hair dresser I went to the SPCA to discuss my wanting to become an Animal Welfare Investigator and talked with people already doing the role. I came out of there so excited and happy in the feeling that this really is the right career path for me! There is no way I would be looking at exciting new career options nor realised how soul killing my current position is if I had still been drinking so thank you sober life!
Back home and back to the bloody washing machine. Normally by now in my drinking days I would be having a melt down and all upset like a big cry baby. I probably would of cracked open a bottle to calm myself while I tried to figure out what was wrong, then given up and just got stuck in drinking. Not the sober me, oh shit no that bloody machine was not going to beat me and besides I can’t afford to pay a service agent if I don’t have to thank you very much. Guess what???? That’s right sober me figured it out calmly and by using processes of elimination!! It was a wad of my hair mixed with normal washing machine lint (who knew it could be so strong when there is a build up of it!!! Oh and by the way losing your hair is another part some females go through with menopause, like a really bad molt from winter to summer coat! The wad of hair was enough to stop the water pump from spinning and once a pulled that out I was able to spin the pump again. Plug it in, fire it up and wait and see……….. YUS it worked!!! Now did I mention that if I had NOT been living the sober life I wouldn’t of had the patience to figure this out??? Will blow my own trumpet and say pretty bloody happy with myself at this point!!!!
This weekend I have emailed to find more information about requirements for a grant I want to apply for university fees for the required course for Animal Welfare Investigator. Have told my Team Leaders on the volunteer work I do that I will be spending time with the ladies from the SPCA learning all I can off them for the role. Oh and I told them all that I was an alcoholic just as a side note and explained that the cloud has lifted and I need to do this for me. Hmmm what else oh I have lost 3kg’s since being on my diet and increasing my exercise.
Really it just feels like a huge cloud that had been blocking my view has lifted and for the first time I can see a opportunity for myself to start a new and exciting life. Have I mentioned that living life sober, raw and real, feeling the good with the bad is fucken awesome????
Okay I know I want to work with animals and particularly something that will improve their welfare and also help those that are in need. I am considering studying to become an Animal Welfare Investigator. I want to help the animals and also help the owners that need help. But there is another part of the role which interests me and that in animal abuse and building cases up against the people involved for taking them to court. There is a course at university which goes for the year but it is also available through correspondence and would involve having to go to university a few times during the year for parts that you have to attend. There will also be work within the industry to get experience and to travel with current inspectors.
Now the bit that worries me is that I know that in the pet rescue and welfare roles the level of alcohol abuse is extremely high. Compassion fatigue is very real and often they self medicate to try to numb out what they have had to witness. I also have concerns that although I portray myself as one little tough nut I am actually a very sensitive person who can be hurt so easily. Would this be a wise direction for me to take????? This is something I really want to get into but is it a wise choice for an alcoholic?/
The university course costs $6000 so I would have to figure out how to get that. There are options there though if I can get a placement with the SPCA the course is paid for. There is a couple of grant options I can chase or I do it myself and then there will be more career options for me at the end of it. What to do, what to do. Oh one of grants close for applications at the end of this month so I am thinking I apply for it and see what happens. The grant is for up to $10,000 but I doubt my chances of getting it but it is worth trying for.
My mind is starting to open to possibilities and is searching for answers of what I want to do and this is because and only because I am SOBER if I was still living the numb, drunk and just surviving each day I wouldn’t even have this option to consider. I love living life sober, raw & real, feeling and thinking it all.
This morning started in my favorite way by getting up at 5.30am and walking my two little heart beats (my dogs) at sunrise. I am finding that this is absolutely my favorite time of the time, the air is still, the slow increasing glow of the rising sun, the peaceful stillness of the neighborhood and 2 happy dogs in front of me, just bliss. Oh and we meet up with our new friend the elderly dog named Boss. He is so lovely and he gets so excited when he see’s us, of cause when he comes over the dogs all do what dogs do and have their rounds of butt sniffing as they do. Seriously gross and thank goodness it’s only a dog thing! But the whole time their tails and all wagging it’s so precious. By the time it was time to go to work I was in such a good mood and everything just felt right in the world.
I sigh even as I write the next part, this all changed when I started my working day. Most of the staff aren’t happy and they really seem to feed off each other with the negativity of it all. It makes it so hard to stay all happy, happy, joy, joy with that sort of atmosphere around you. There is also a lot of back stabbing going on which is horrible as well so I stay out of it all and just work. I kept saying to myself that I will not let them all ruin my beautiful mood and that worked until about lunch time and then I just started to fold. I found myself thinking it’s lonely being the odd one out that doesn’t want to get involved but I would rather be lonely then join in negative chat and have it slowly erode away any happiness I get in knowing that I actually do a bloody good job.
But I really do want to get out of there some how but wish I could figure out how. I am sick and tired of being in that negative environment. My job no longer challenges me, it was challenging enough doing it hung over when I was drinking and so routine that I didn’t need to think about it. I really feel like it is slowly killing my soul, I want to be helping animals, helping people, making a difference not just making more and more money for corporate bosses.
Living life sober, raw & real is the bestest as it is allowing me to see and feel. Without this awakened senses I wouldn’t be noticing stuff like this I would still be just turning up a functioning alcoholic.
Okay in my posts along with musing about this and that and releasing messed up things out of my mind you will also see how much better life is living it raw and real 100% sober. Sleep is better, anxiety levels are better, depression is better, blood pressure is better, errrrr toilet visits are better (if your a hard drinker you will know what I’m on about), relationships are better, your judgement is better, your reliability is better and the list just goes on. But some days I often just notice the small things and this morning was one of those times.
This morning I woke up early (for a weekend) and thought about either rolling back over and going back to sleep or reading a book for a while. But then I thought nah, let’s get up have a shower and take the dogs for a walk while it is still cool. The temperatures are so freakin hot and the humidity is off the scale so it doesn’t take to long into the morning for it to simply be to hot to walk them. It was lovely and cool when we left and everything was so peaceful with the majority of houses in the neighborhood still all closed up and curtains pulled. I live in a beautiful area that has plenty of trees both on the sidewalks and on peoples properties. Through the trees I actually noticed the sky and it was beautiful with pink all through the clouds. The air was fresh, cool and there was a gentle breeze. The dogs wiggly butts in front of me never fails to make me smile and they often pause to stop and sniff. They will often stop sniffing and look at me with pure joy on their faces before they trot on to the next smell. See no matter what time I take my dogs for a walk it is their walk so they can stop and sniff as much as they want. To interupt a dog sniffing is like someone coming along when you are in the middle of a good part in a book and just closing the book on you. There was a lady out jogging with her very elderly dog who asked if it would be okay if he got to say hi to mine. She was lovely and explained how her dog was her life and that even though he was old he still managed to jog 10 kilometers each day. What a lovely old chap he was and his Mum glowing with love for him made my morning even better. The whole walk was just peaceful and I made a conscious effort to just stay in the moment. By the time we got near home I could feel the heat starting to rise and it was just perfect.
If I had of still been drinking there is no way in hell I would be up early in the morning on a weekend. I would of hit the bottle hard telling myself I deserved it after such a hard week at work AND to celebrate it being Friday. I would of stayed in bed later after having had a crappy nights sleep and feeling cloudy head and depending on the level of my drinking feeling ill. I totally would of missed spending that precious time with my dogs out walking enjoying life because by the time I would of got up it would of been far to hot to go anywhere.
This post might seem boring but to me it is a reminder of just how much better life is and that it’s the little things that make it just so bloody worth it. Living life sober, raw & real is 100% a better life for me.
***WARNING DEPRESSING ANIMAL POST – SO MUCH SADNESS***
We really have a problem in this world, well we have many problems but there is one that I am involved in because of the volunteer work that I do. This really sucks and I feel so sad for the animals. There are so many pets that end up in our shelters that sadly there is not enough people out their looking for new pets as in there is not enough being adopted. Sadly so many never make it out of the shelters because of this. There are other reasons as well e.g. the pet is to aggressive and it can not be rehomed. People bag the pounds for putting healthy pets to sleep but my question to them is well what do they do? The pounds are full, the rescues are overwhelmed and already overloaded, there are not enough people adopting and the population of dogs just keeps growing.
My heart really goes out to the pound staff, I have gotten to know many of them over the years. Of cause just like everywhere there are some arseholes among them but the majority of them are really good people. At this time of the year these places have to prepare for and influx of pets as they get in the normal found pets but they also have to make room for the abandoned pets, dogs that have hurt either people or stock and surrendered pets. In my country they legally have to hold onto a pet for a 7 day period if found so as to give an owner time to come looking for their pet. For pets that are signed over or so called surrendered the 7 day period doesn’t apply. After this period they will be temperament tested and have a basic health check. If it passes both of these and the shelters have room to keep holding them they can go up for adoption. Often rescues will take some if they can but like I say they are all already over loaded at the moment. Many pets fail the temperament test but not because they are aggressive by nature but because they are scared out of their poor little minds and are in full fight or flight mode. So if they don’t have room or somewhere else to send them or they fail the temperament test they are put to sleep. In one of our major cities we are talking in the thousands each year. It is disgusting and something that doesn’t seem to be improving. All of the shelter staff that I know have multiple dogs now through adopting from the shelter themselves because they can’ bear to see them put down.
Just this week I had to remove a LOT of posts, advertising dogs in an attempt to find their owners, because they had all been put to sleep. The shelter has had it clear out ready for being shorter staffed due to holidays and also in preparation for the influx of new dogs. This is a sad reality that I witness every festive season. Because I manage the volunteer pet service I don’t share this with other volunteers because it is simply to upsetting. I would end up losing so many of my team members through compassion fatigue if I did. To all the poor pets losing their lives this festive period I want to say I am so very sorry, I wish I could come up with the solution to the problem but am doing everything I can to try to help you. Bless you all as you travel to Rainbow Bridge. God when I die please, please can I have a job at Rainbow Bridge???? I really want to get up there and show them all the love they deserve.
Sorry for such a downer post, I am downloading it here to get it out and whether people read this or not is not even relevant I just need it out.
Depending on how long you’ve been reading my blog here you might of seen my posts about a homeless man named Eddie. Today while driving to work I drove past where Eddie normally hangs out and where I stop and talk to him. In front of all the shops it was taped off with Police tap and there was 4 Police cars and a Fire Engine. I couldn’t see Eddie or his dogs anywhere and thought he must of not been able to take up his spot with all the action. I had just seen Eddie yesterday there, it was a beautiful afternoon and he was sitting there without his shirt on enjoying the warmth of the sunshine while his two dogs Sky and Rosie slept in the sun as well against the bricks of the shop. Like normal Eddie had his bits of paper around him that always make me smile. He has pictures of the word LOVE and pictures of people in LOVE and some of Jesus. I thought back to when we first meet and smiled remembering him telling me that the world needs more LOVE and that was all that he needed. I asked him if he was still telling people to pass out the LOVE and he laughed and said “yeah, it’s important” you can’t argue with that I thought. I left him with a bag of treats for the dogs and a hug telling him I’d stop again soon, that was at 5.30pm. Eddie would have a little container out that people would drop money in but he would never ask for it and he always said thank you to anyone that put anything in. He was always polite and had a smile and friendly word for anyone that would smile in his direction. He did not force people to engage in conversation though. When I left I had to go to town and drove past him again on the way home. I waved at him and noticed that he had put his shirt back on and thought ahh must be cooling down for him. I had no idea that this would be the last time I would ever see Eddie.
The Police where there because it is a crime scene and they were doing their investigation, the Fire Brigade was there so they could hose down the pavement once the investigation was finished. The story goes that later in the evening another man was riding past on his bike with his dog or dogs (it’s not clear yet) and for some reason the dogs had a fight. I can’t figure this out because Eddie’s dogs were so placid. They are saying that because of the dogs the men argued and the young man punched Eddie (who is 52) and he fell back and hit his head on the pavement. All of this so far is just what people are saying happened. No matter what happened Eddie passed away last night at 1.25am in hospital.
Eddie taught me it really is okay to step out of your comfort zone and ask a total stranger if they would mind some help. Eddie was also a very sharp reminder of just how brutal alcohol could be as he was an alcoholic and he was broken. I am pleased to say that his dogs are in foster care tonight, Sky took off from there last night and they found him this morning. He was under the abandoned Rugby grandstand that they had all been living under he would of gone back there looking for Eddie. Eddie always made sure that the first thing he brought with any money he was given during the day was food for his dogs. Sadly next was booze then if any left over food for himself. I always gave food or treats for the dogs because I hated the thought of him buying booze with it. This time that is Eddies dogs in the picture and that was taken today, it shows you how well he looked after them even though he lived on the streets with them.
If your interested in the story of Eddie and how he told me the story of how he came to be living like he was here is the link. https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com/2018/07/11/humbling-experience/
And for the post that showed me it’s really okay to offer help to a stranger. – https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com/2018/07/07/take-a-moment-to-care-step-out-of-your-comfort-zone/
Rest In Peace Eddie, thank you so much for the life lessons. I am so sorry yours ended like this. P.S. Eddie you would of been embarrassed but laughed, you should see all the flowers and gifts people have left in your spot ❤
Oh Eddie I have just read in the paper that this all happened within an hour of me seeing you the last time at 6.30pm. The mad that did this to you has now been charged with manslaughter. I am so glad I got to give you our last hug.
Trying to think what to write about tonight, there is normally always so much going on in this mind of mine that I am shocked to say that lately there has been quiet periods. I am not complaining at all but it just feels different.
Oh I know lets start with this as I was thinking about this a lot today. The morning after a Xmas Party now…… hmm I still laid in bed late this morning but that was totally my own fault having a long black coffee after dinner at the event 🙂 but there was still a difference waking up this morning compared to previous mornings after work Xmas parties. There was a calmness a nice relaxing stretch and a smile on my face as I looked at my dogs still peacefully sleeping. I rolled over and grabbed my phone from it’s charger and found a reply from my beautiful friend to a message I sent her last night. This started a round of messages back and forth as has become a lovely habit every weekend morning now. It is great checking in with someone you love and making sure your both okay and sharing what has and is planned to happen ❤ Nothing like feeling the love from each other and starting your day knowing someone out there in your tribe loves this habit as much as I do.
Ahhh one more stretch and then out of bed, OMG how does one hurt their knee just getting out of friggin bed???? I twisted it a bit and now when I go to use it a certain way and apply weight it grabs in pain, grrrrr it’s a bitch getting older (still prefer it to the alternative though don’t get me wrong). Actually well talking about getting older why the hell doesn’t anyone warn you of the possible thicker darker hair on your chinny, chin, chin then ah???? What is it are we to ashamed to talk about these things??? Seriously there is one little bastard hair that is thicker than the others and as soon as it sticks it’s ugly stubble out far enough I pluck that bastard out with the tweezers, vamoose you little shit. Oh and there are longer wispy hairs on my neck, what the hell is that all about?? Seriously I don’t have much shame on here so don’t mind sharing but I understand how it’s not something we talk about over morning coffees in the lunch room, but I’m pretty bloody sure one of them would of noticed and I don’t know how they kept looking at me without looking down! Oh maybe because they are getting older like me and their eyesight is failing them like mine. From now on I will be wearing my glasses when looking in the bathroom mirror a lot more that I can promise you.
Oh sorry I digress, back to starting my sober, hangover free morning. I hobble to the shower and stand there under the running water just letting my senses soak up the feeling of the water drops hitting my skin along with my body enjoying the warmth of the water. Following the shower and dressing it is now time to walk the dogs before the heat of the day makes it simply to hot. I LOVE walking my dogs and even more so now that I am living life sober. They really do make you stop and smell the roses as you are walking, seriously dogs have got it sussed. They take their time and they smell everything and don’t miss much. They are totally in the moment and they are focused purely on their time out walking. I never rush them and just lead them lead the way to be honest. I once read that to pull a dog away from it’s sniffing is like interrupting someone from a chapter in a book and I reckon that is pretty accurate. An hour later after we have finished our walk it’s back home for breakfast. This weekend ritual is just so soothing for the soul and I love it.
Now lets compare it to how it would of been for me waking up after a work Xmas Party. I would of woken up late and felt pretty rough. I would of had a crappy nights sleep which would of been broken by waking up at random times through out the night and tossing and turning until drifting back to sleep until the next wake up. I no doubt would of had to go for a pee at least once and that probably would of woken me up during one of the deeper sleep periods and most likely when I would of been nice and comfortable. I would say I would of had a least one really bad episode of heart burn that would of left a burning bile sensation in my throat and would of kept coming up in small doses of vomit which I would of kept swallowing. Finally I would of woken up with a dry mouth and cracked throat which probably smelt disgusting (never sniffed it myself) and I would of no doubt felt nausea and had a headache. I would of stretch which would of caused either my calf muscle or foot which would of caused me to dive out of bed to push down on the foot and stretch the muscle to break it’s grip. The dogs would of still been peacefully sleeping on the bed with me but probably would of been pissed off at having been woken so many time during the night. I most likely would of started the day without twisting my knee but who the hell would know if that would or wouldn’t of happened (fucken chin hair problem would probably still be there no matter whether I was sober or not lol). I would not of had the awesome message session with my beautiful friend. This is one of the friendships that has flourished since living life sober and real. I would of needed a shower and would of stood there with my mouth open trying to get rid of my dry horrors. Oh on to the dog walk, they still would of taken me for a walk but I wouldn’t of noticed any of the moments of pure joy they have and we wouldn’t of gone as far because I would of felt like crap and would be just wanting to get back home again and try to down a coffee.
The difference living life sober is like day and night, I freakin love being sober. Loving living life sober, raw and real.