I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.
I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.
I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.
Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.
Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!
If you haven’t been following my sober journey you would of missed that since I have given up drinking after 20+ years I have realized that I was not living life at all in fact I was simply turning up. Now what was normal and acceptable for me is no longer that way and one of the big parts of this was my job. Before I thought it was challenging and I wasn’t bored. Now that I am sober, not working with a hangover, not thinking about getting home to start drinking, not worrying how much booze I had at home so I could go home and drink etc, etc, etc I realize that I could do my job with my eyes closed and it is slowly killing my soul. Never before have I had goals and things to aim for and now I do and my career is one of them. I have decided that I don’t just want a job to get by in life I want a career that feeds my soul as well. I want a career that is making a difference in this world and that is helping those that can’t help nor speak for themselves, the animals. As part of pursuing that dream I am spending any days I can with the local SPCA inspectors and traveling with them for the day attending jobs and learning like a sponge.
The last two days were so great I really don’t know how I’m going to settle back into my boring arse job next week but have to find away as I need to pay my bills including vet bills and get me debt down if possible before I start studying next year. Included in the two days was a lot of traveling which was great and if I’m lucky enough to become a warden I will be doing a lot of driving and I love driving so that’s a bonus. First we went to check up on a case were the dogs ears had been cropped which is now illegal in NZ. Next came dropping off a dog that had been looked after by the SPCA after it got attacked by other dogs and the owner couldn’t afford to get it treated so contacted the SPCA to help it. This is a side of the SPCA I did not know about, I don’t know why but I thought that if you couldn’t afford to get the required vet care for your pet you would surrender it to them but nope they will help you out if the inspector decides to take it in. Then onto a case of a dog that had been reported as coming to their property and that it was badly under feed. Part of the problem with very rural towns and rural regions is a lot of the houses don’t have street numbers so figuring out which house can be bloody difficult. It does freak me out a bit being so rural and going onto peoples properties when you have no idea what sort of people you are going to find on there. It might not sound a lot but there was a whole lot of driving going on to reach these cases. On the second day we traveled over two hours just to get to the first case which was to follow up on a report of dogs on a property that the owner leaves for a week or more on their own without any care. This was followed up by going to a town to check up on a dog that was reported as starving and with no shelter. In the same town we then went and did an interview with a vet for a case that they had been involved in which was going to court for neglect. On the way home we called into an address of a report of two starving dogs that live their life on chains. By the time we had done all of those and then driven home for another two hours we finally got back to base.
**Warning this paragraph is graphic about a puppy that was suffering due to neglect** I can’t go into details obviously but I can say what a sad end we had to our day. We got back to base just in time to see the chief inspector furious because she had just brought in a puppy that was in such a sad state the decision was being made that it would be kinder to put her to sleep to end her suffering. The poor thing was probably around 10 weeks old and it had mange so bad that its skin was raw and bleeding and coated in flaky scabs. It’s legs and toes where all swollen so fat. Her skin felt like it was on fire because it was burning with infections. She has entropian (when the eyelids are inverted or folded in and the eyelashes rub the eye balls) and they were swollen. She was a mess and she weighed a ton but that was because she was so full of worms, she would of been starving because those worms would of been eating any and everything inside her. I don’t think I will ever forget the look she gave me when I patted the only part of her body that I thought would hurt her the least. You are probably thinking why not save her and had people reported her earlier and they had got to her before she got that bad they would of been able to but there had been to much damage done to her little body. I stayed in the room as she was put to sleep and I can tell you that she left being hugged by the ladies and quietly talked to in soothing words. Sadly we don’t know if the people responsible for this will ever be found but the team will work bloody hard to try to find them.
You might think that what happened in the last paragraph would make me not want to pursue being and Animal Inspector, hell no it doesn’t. It saddens me of cause, it angers me of cause BUT we were able to stop her suffering without us she would of still been there and it would of been a terrible slow and painful ending. It just makes me want to help these animals even more and whether it be through educating the people or prosecuting them I don’t care as long as I can help as many of the pets as I can and reduce that neglect and abuse out there for them.
Living life sober, raw and real has opened up this world of being able to dream and work towards earning my qualifications to be able to do this career and it is freakin awesome. I want this, I want it so bad because every hour I am doing it just makes sense. I am not happy working in a corporate job now making money for others I want to be and do the difference that I know I am meant to be doing.
This morning was one of those mornings when you wake up and you just feel average, not good, not bad just average you know the sort that you start with a sigh. I had slept in and woke up thinking oh wow look at the time followed by oh shit better get up and open the door to outside before my little dog goes to the loo on the carpet because she can’t get out. Then I went hobbling off to the shower and I mean hobbling because at the moment I have a problem with my foot called plantar fasciitis ( inflammation of the ligament that runs under the sole of the foot )took my normal long shower then put on a load of washing. Next was harness up the dogs and take them for their walk. I’m hobbling along and thinking to myself oh man it’s one of those days when they want to stop and sniff everything bloody thing, it’s going to take ages before I get home again. I had arranged to doing some training online with one of my volunteers at 11am so thought to myself by the time we get home and I hang out the washing, feed the dogs, feed myself it will be time to get online and I won’t finish that until at least 1am. By then it will be time to vacuum and do my ironing and then time to walk the dogs for their afternoon walk. Get back and prepare dinner for them and then myself and that is it my whole day is done, oh except if I’m lucky I will be able to relax and watch a movie tonight. Remember all of this went through my head while walking the dogs in the morning!
I stopped on the spot, the dogs didn’t care it came them more time to sniff that spot, and thought holy shit what is wrong with me??? First off I failed to practice my mindfulness when I woke up. I forgot to ask my body, mind & soul what do you need from me today? I forgot to stretch and to feel that stretch. I forgot to lay there and breath in and out ten times without interruption. I forgot to start counting my blessings before I got out of bed. I forgot to be present on the walk with my dogs. I looked around and it was a beautiful morning with the sun beaming down and I could now feel the warmth on my back, I had been so caught up in my own little boohoo poor little me that I hadn’t even noticed how beautiful it was out on the street in the fresh air. I stood there and I thought shame on me and gave myself an attitude adjustment right then and there. First off yay to waking up before my dog so I had time to open the door for them to get out. Thank goodness for having running hot water to stand and enjoy my morning shower in. I am so lucky to now have a reliable washing machine so I could just chuck a load on. My heel is bloody sore but once I get moving and stretch it the pain isn’t so bad so taking my two little heart beats for a walk will help with that. Perfect I will have time to get breakfast sorted before having to do some training. Thank goodness for the new volunteer because if I invest the time in training her it will be wonderful to have an extra person helping with the work load. I love the look of my house once I have been through it with the vacuum and the floors are clean. If will be lovely to get the ironing done and all put away so I don’t have to look at it sitting there waiting to be done lol. Once I am done with those couple of chores I get to do my favourite thing by hanging out with my two best buddies (my little heartbeats, my dogs) and take them for their favorite thing oh a walk so they can sniff everything that has happened since their morning walk. I will get to enjoy watching them just being in the moment and their wiggly butts trotting along. Then we will come home and I will get to feed them their dinner and find something yummy for myself, how many people don’t even get to enjoy that now a days. Then I will spend some time helping my volunteers until I get to write up my blog and then relax and enjoy a good movie. What a perfect day!!!!
Thank goodness I did realize what a waste my blah mood was and took a moment to correct myself. Yes my day almost panned out as described except instead of the vacuuming and ironing my Dad came around for a visit but they will be there tomorrow. All in all it ended up being a perfect blessed day. I did end up watching Brene Brown the call to courage on Netflix, if you can get it and have the chance to watch it I highly recommend it.h
I don’t know why but I always love this picture. All I see from her is the pure love and joy she has for him?? I think it’s a him but again I don’t know why. But he is looking as if he is thinking she has so much to learn…………….
Sorry cheating a bit tonight have been trying to keep myself busy as I still struggle to face the news of my little dogs illness. I will do a post at some stage of just how much this little girl means to me and the fact that she is why I am still here today. Had one of you comment today (thanks Kate) that had I been drinking still I might not of even noticed that something was wrong with my little girl. That is so very true I believe that her kidneys would of deteriorated a lot more before being picked up if I hadn’t been living sober and actually noticing the little things that together added up to having me worried enough to ask my vet about it. I am so glad I am living sober because it has brought me more time with my girl and any minute, hour, day, week, month and year I can grasp I bloody well will.
Living life sober, raw & real is all I am interested in today.
Damn it the results are in and we have the start of kidney failure with my little dog. At this stage we are not sure how advanced it is nor how rapidly it is happening and until we do another round of blood and urine tests in a months time we won’t know. After those tests we will be able to gauge the difference in that month. Sadly you can’t do dialysis on dogs and a kidney is not something that can rejuvenate itself. I asked my vet today, “we are in trouble aren’t we”? And sadly her reply was “yes”. My heart dropped but I am not ready to just accept and we will be fighting this one for as long as we can. Following many emails between her skin specialist (who is a qualified vet as well) who has been treating her for bad allergies and my vet we are going to try slowly changing her diet to one based to help her kidneys. Once that is sorted there is a gravy that can be added to it that is jam packed with vitamins and minerals that her little body needs. This little girl might only weigh just over 3kg but she is a fighter just like her Mum and we aren’t going to give it everything we have got.
Tonight I am sad because my dogs are my world and one of them is in trouble. One of my Soul Sisters has just moved away and I’m missing her. I feel down and scared at the moment but I can’t help but wonder how badly would I be coping with all of this had I still been drinking. Would I of had a clear enough head to see that it’s better to focus on giving all my time and energy doing anything I can to help my baby stay as healthy and happy as I can. My friend will be back eventually next year so it’s not forever. Previously I would of spiraled into so a dark depression I would be a danger to myself right about now.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life now and I’m happy about that.
My friend leaves the country tomorrow night and this time I won’t be seeing her again until some time next year and that breaks my heart. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, email, messenger and what ever other way we can find to stay in contact. As she boards the plane I will be here and no doubt crying, I can already feel the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have this person in my life now and if it wasn’t for her lifestyle moving back and forwards between countries we would never of meet. Because of that I am grateful for her lifestyle and I love that she has so many amazing adventures but I am also sad and that is okay. She has told me that she will always be here for me but there is a big difference between having a friendship online and meeting every so often for a catch up. Online you can’t see how the person is, you can’t hear the emotion in their voice, you can’t read their body language or the way their face and eyes talk. Online you tend to grab moments when you can, try to keep it brief and things get missed out. We are all so damn busy in our lives as well that we mean to email etc and then things get in the way and it gets dropped down the list and next thing you know a bloody month has gone and nothing. Arrrgggghhhh now I’m just making myself sadder.
I am still waiting on test results for my little dogs kidneys and trying to stay positive there as well. My bestest little mate is in trouble and one of my BFF is moving away……….big sigh and mindfulness ain’t cutting it tonight.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now.
Been sitting here staring at the screen trying to figure out what to type tonight and coming up blank. I am feeling sad and blue because one of my fur babies could be in trouble. She has had to be on medications for years now and it might of started to take a toll on her kidneys. I keep trying to tell myself not to worry and to wait for the test results but today we got the blood tests back and they are confirming it. Now we have to provide more samples for further testing. It really brings it home that she is 12 years old now and we are looking after a little old lady.
This little girl is the reason that I am still here, on the times that I really was so sick and tired of being depressed and just couldn’t find my way out of the blackness it was the knowledge that if I died she would probably die as well. We are so linked it is only my mother who can get her to eat sometimes when I’m away otherwise she just won’t until I get back home. I call my dogs my little heart beats and this one really is as our hearts are intertwined. Waiting for results and hoping like hell there is something we can do.
It’s times like these when living life sober raw and real, feeling every single emotion and thought is the hardest. Previously I could of drunk myself numb until we got the results and knew what was happening. Now I am trying to stay calm all while my mind is over working and thinking up crazy shit.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me now.