Another day of healthy eating under my belt 🙂 it’s funny just how much this over eating is on the same mental level as giving up drinking. My mind keeps going to “go to the kitchen” and “hmm what can I have to eat” you know that sort of thing BUT here is the thing I’m rarely even hungry when I am having those thoughts. I’m also surprised by just how much I used to over eat. Using the MyFitnessPal app is bloody brilliant, lets take tonight as an example I had a look at how much I could eat and still be under my daily allowance. Hmm two Salmon Cakes which include vegetables here we come, yummo. But then I’m bagging up a loaf of bread into portion sizes of 2 slices so I can freeze it and not waste it. Hmmm one crust left all lonely of nice fresh low carb bread. Shit, okay what if I have one Salmon Cake and that one lonely slice of bread?? Oh my gosh it worked out better than two Salmon Cakes and I was fill at the end of it. Top it off with my decaf nespresso and I’m done. Now I’m sitting here to late and should be in bed but I am totally comfortable and relaxed. My body is not feeling like it’s over eaten today, it’s not bloated and it’s not busy processing everything I have over eaten.
On the exercise part I failed today and came in under my steps but it was a conscious decision. Today was the last day of my leave from work and my little dog had to go and have blood tests along with my other dog getting his vaccinations. We went for a walk first thing before the vet and only a small walk this afternoon. Now I no it is possible to go walking without them but I wanted more than anything else to just spend the whole day enjoying being with my two little heartbeats.
Living life sober, raw and real is awesome and now I am starting to find that watching what I am putting into my body versus just shoveling in what ever as the mood takes me is actually bloody awesome as well.
Is it possible to this early in feel a bit better already? I don’t know if it’s my imagination and wishful thinking but I feel like I’m not as bloated. I also don’t find myself thinking after any meals whew I feel so full as in I’m stuffed. It actually feels much more comfortable.
Since I am such a procrastinator I am using MyFitnessPal and logging all food and my Garmin watch is tracking all steps and adding them to MyFitnessPal. The only negative I see with MyFitnessPal is making sure I log everything and taking the time at first to set up my database of foods I eat. The great thing is once they are in there you just select them each time adding them to whatever meal / snack you have them in. The aim of it is that eat only X amount of Kilojoules / Carbs / Fats / Protein / Sodium & Sugar each day. It’s actually really good because you can eat whatever you want as long as you record it and your total at the end of the day is less than your daily allowance. So for example today I entered in breakfast / lunch and what I intended to have for dinner and then saw that I was well below the recommended daily intake. After looking up the nutrition list of Fruit Bursts lollies I was able to have 1 serving of them (4 lollies) and still be absolutely fine with my target. It is good because I can see where I’m at and it stops me boredom grazing because then I would go over my allowance. Oh and the more exercise you do, for me the steps counted, you can sync your device to the MyFitnessPal and it calculates and you can even have more to eat. If you don’t eat enough it even tells you that you are not eating enough.
With my Garmin it sets a target for steps each day and I have achieved it for the last 3 days in a row. Each time it does increase the daily target so lets see how high I can get it before I can’t achieve it. Only problem is my bloody foot is freakin sore!!! I am going to hobble to bed soon and it’s going to hurt like a bitch but I am so determined to do this I’m not going to let it stop me. Even if I can’t achieve the steps as long as my food intake stays below the recommended daily allowance I will be fine.
Probably a boring post for you all but I am trying to post each day to keep me accountable and focused on what I am trying to achieve. If you are interested in the MyFitnessPal it is free to use so here is the link – www.myfitnesspal.com
Hmmm asking for a friend (haha you know when someone starts with that they are pretty much bullshitting and embarrassed to admit it was them, so yep this is me) who wants to know is this bad or mean? Today I had to go to the supermarket to do some shopping for supplies for myself and the dogs. I was fully planning to do my shopping online so I wouldn’t be tempted with ice cream, lollies or normal chocolate (it really does taste better) but ended up having to go because the delivery schedule didn’t suit me. When I first went in it was a case of hmm what the heck can I get that isn’t going to go against what I’m trying to achieve. But as I started going around I managed to stay on track and I let my crazy way of thinking help me achieve this.
The supermarket was busy and after the veggies and fruit we go past the deli and then into the alcohol, not even a temptation there. Up into the bread and I started thinking maybe I can have a healthier bread like a low carb bread or one full of sunflower seeds and linseed but there wasn’t any left so I took that as a sign of no bread for you, smiled and carried on. Next to the cereal and I love my cereal with juice (50% less sugar, better than full sugar right?). Doodle, doodle, doodle, push that trolley around to the next aisle, ooh ahhh it’s the fucken lollie aisle!!!! OMG, OMG, NO!!! And my favorites are on special!!! How did I stop myself??? Here is the is this bad or mean part…… I looked around and spotted all the fat over weight people and told myself do you want to be like that??? If you do go ahead and buy the lollies and scoff the bag on the drive home BUT aren’t you sick of being fat, aren’t you sick of eating so much sickening sugar rich foods? Look again keep looking at the fat people as they push their trolleys around the supermarket. As they go past take note of what they have in their trolleys versus what the skinny people have in theirs. I carried on past the lollies and left them there. I won’t bore you with the rest of the trip but as you can guess there was lots of look at that fat gross person don’t end up like that. The answer is no I don’t, I’m tired of being over weight and unhealthy.
On the drive home I didn’t get to scoff the bag of lollies but I did get to think about how I just coped with my trip to the supermarket. Wow what a bitch, those poor fat people I shouldn’t be judging them like that as I’m fat myself. But then I thought, you know what I didn’t say it out loud to anyone, I didn’t hurt anyone and thinking further if someone had done the same thing while using me to mentally stop them I would say bloody good on you, well done.
Living life sober, raw & real has taught me the skills to start applying in other areas of my life. The jury is still out on what form of dieting I’m going to do and for now I’m going to focus on thinking about what I putting into my body. Ice Cream & lollies are out for now until I get my weight down. BUT I don’t ever intend to fully cut them out of my life, I did that for years when I wasn’t eating gluten or dairy and I think that was part of my problem. Now that I have been letting some gluten back into my diet and I have found dairy free, chocolate coated ice creams I have gone to the extreme because I went without for so long. Focused eating for now along with trying to walk more to get some exercise going.
Funny I’m not normally one of those people that gets excited about starting a New Year but this time around for some reason I really am. Hmm maybe it comes with putting a Christmas tree up and feeling the festive spirit. But anyway I am trying to focus on what I can do that is positive and doable for me that will make me happier and improve me. I keep having things pop into my mind that I want to add to my remembered thoughts (haha I really do have a crap memory, awesome post idea in the morning come night time arrrgggghhhh what was that idea) but I am excited and ready. Let’s see how much I manage to start working on and actually achieve then ah.
- Improve health and loose weight
- Work on reducing my debt
- Work on getting my foot to heal – (just stopped this list and booked a Podiatrist)
- Spend as much time with my dogs as possible
- Go on more walks in nature
- Explore my city more and mark off all streets, roads etc as I go
- Read more books, I love my books
- Build up to doing my first 1/2 marathon
I’m sure there is so many more and know I have thought of them but bloody forgotten lol maybe it should be work on my memory. But working on my health which combines weight, mental health and physical health has to take priority. It’s not just a case of don’t get on the scales I actually feel fat and useless, my clothes don’t fit properly, my tummy is so round and I hate it, feeling like a slug, an unfit slug. I have the power to improve this and I have the mind power to make sure it happens.
I am going to start on the New Year, now before anyone says why not start now I am also very aware of how easy I end up feeling overwhelmed and at the moment my work hours are incredible and the stress of family Christmas time all need to be behind me so I can start with a clear slate. There will always be something and that is life, like my little dog being sick I can’t stop that but I will do everything in my power to keep her here and healthy for as long as I can but I can’t use that as an excuse for holding myself back as once that is sorted there will be something else.
Living life sober, raw and real kicks arse and is so much better than the shit life I was living as a drunk. I went into the festive season thinking oh it’s that tough time of the year when friends are out drinking and being jolly and that I would miss drinking. Actually I am having a happier and jollier time than them when I look at it. I look at each time they mention feeling unwell or hung over and just laugh and say I don’t miss that a bit. I am enjoying every morning but they are often sleeping off the night before while I am out enjoying myself. I didn’t even attend our work Xmas party (I had a tooth out that afternoon so it wasn’t intentional) and I didn’t miss it and I was actually much happier at home just doing my own thing. Hmmm just thought of, no remembered because I have thought about it before, something else I want to add to my to do list going to add it now. Sorry this one ended up a bit all over the place as my rambling dropped out of my mind and on to here!
Well I have to admit I thought taking a month off and just stopping to count my blessings for what they are here and now is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I’m not sure if it’s a hard lesson in being grateful for what you have got or if it’s to build up my eagerness to do something about the bits I’m not happy with. I keep thinking I will start a diet tomorrow and then think NO you promised yourself a month off from trying to work on everything and to just be in the moment here and now. I’m really unhappy with my weight and still fail every day to improve things for myself. Things come up and they upset me or stress me or both and boom I’m eating. I really want to diet but don’t really want to stop eating so that must mean I really don’t want it bad enough right? I really want no need to exercise more but don’t so I guess that really means I don’t want that bad enough either right? BUT I promised myself I would take the month off from any pressures like these. It’s the 20th day of the month and it feels like I have been trying to not do anything for 6 months and the finish line feels a long way off. I am pretty sure there is a lesson in this for me somewhere.
Now something completely off topic and I really apologize in advance if I upset anyone but I would like to know the truth. I have had a colleague who moved here from South Africa tell me some pretty horrific stories about what happened in her home land. Lets say her view on Nelson Mandela is a lot different to the views we have been taught and read in the papers. And his ex-wife, wow what she has to say about her is mind blowing. The other day I mentioned that I have new neighbors and that they have the cutest kids with one little girl that is beautiful with blond hair and amazing blue eyes. What she told me next I don’t know whether to believe (she wouldn’t lie to me but I wonder how much of her hatred has come about from stories she has been told), she told me that if that little girl was back in South Africa she would be in serious danger. She went on the explain that the black south africans believe that if they rape a blond, blue eye child that it is the cure for aids. Please God someone tell me that is not true and does not happen. I strongly believe that there is good and bad in all races, I do believe that as a white person I am privileged. So please I am not hating on any race I am just trying to understand how another lady can have such hate in her for people of an opposite color to herself? She is such a nice person and I keep saying yes but there must of been some good black South Africans? In the end she said yes but only about 5%, all I could think is how different life would of been for her if she was raised in this country and hadn’t moved here as an adult with a child of her own and witnessed what she did.
Living life sober, raw and real gives you the chance to feel.
Life really is full of many catch 22’s isn’t it? Here is a couple of examples from my own life at the moment.
I have high cholesterol, plantar fasiitis and a bad back along with a hip that now pops out as well. I am also fat and need to lose some weight which will help with all of the fore mentioned problems. This weekend I decided to get out and exercise more and on Saturday I went for a long walk. Saturday night I could hardly walk as my foot was that sore and swollen so I iced it and kept it up. This morning it was sore before I even got out of bed but as I got up and moved around I could walk on it so went for another walk (but not as far as Saturday) and now tonight here I am with my foot unable to be walked on apart from walking in tip toes. So catch 22 number 1 – need to exercise but exercise causes pain and distress.
Next catch 22 is my finances – I need to get them sorted and pay them off BUT my little dog needs more medicine and I haven’t been able to save for it because I have just been keeping my head above water with car troubles. So now I have had to up the limit on one of my credit cards so that I can pay the $1000 for the meds (they need to be paid for before they get it made up). So catch 22 number 2 – need to get debt down but need to spend money to keep my dog alive.
It’s not all negative though, lets think about it now……. I can still walk and during the week I will use the cross trainer because it does not apply as much pressure to my heal. I have to exercise and diet to achieve losing weight and hopefully improving some of my health problems. With my finance I haven’t added or taken anymore (not sure which is the right way to word it) any more from the lender so I have now paid off a year of the 7 year term.
Life can be such a freakin round about but I am so glad I am facing up to all of this sober. I got very stressed thinking about it all Friday night but if I was drinking it would of spiked a major anxiety attack. Now here we are Sunday night and thanks to the amount of fresh air and exercise I have been able to do I feel much calmer and relaxed about it all. Not in a totally irresponsible way of fuck it all but rather a I can and will work this all out eventually.
So walking the dogs tonight I had a thought and it was one of those thoughts were you think “Hello, where have you been, what took you so long?” I am stressed at the moment because the bills are piling up and I am struggling to keep up with them after falling behind with car repairs etc. This is not helping my emotional eating and the couple of kilo’s I lost the other week have slapped themselves straight back on to me (arseholes). But I am craving sweet things like lollies and chocolates and even broke I am finding away to get them. All I am doing is basically stress eating and piling on the weight along with not exercising and getting angry and sad with myself for doing it. Reminds me so much of when I was drinking, I just kept doing it even though I really didn’t want to.
Now the thought that hit me while I was walking is what the fuck are you doing? You are eating yourself into sadness, you are putting weight on when you know that you would feel happier and proud of yourself if you lost it. Your stupid foot would ache less if it didn’t have to carry around those extra kilos as well. Then I thought what would make you happier, what would it take (that doesn’t cost anything) you are smart you can figure this out.
I could reward myself by working out, eating healthy and losing the weight. How good would it feel to see the kilo’s dropping and see the older clothes fitting again? That’s right I’ll say it again, I could reward myself by working out, eating healthy and losing weight.
Do you see the little word in there that I have never used before when thinking about exercise or healthy eating? It’s reward myself by doing them instead of the old thinking of I need to get off my arse and exercise and eat healthy, I am fat and ugly and need to work at getting that sorted. Seriously there is no thoughts of suffering for the cause this time around it is rewarding myself to feel better, be healthier and to actually allocate time for ME to do what it’s going to take. No putting everyone else first or rushing to do my volunteer work etc, I still have to go to work that is a no brainer, but I can make a work out or walk a priority each day.
Yeah I like this way of thinking, reward myself, I just keep thinking it like a light bulb spluttered on and now I can see it. Moments like these can happen because I am living life sober and allowing my mind to work without negative interference.
Oh no!! I have found my problem and it’s my job, it is creating stress and making me want to eat and drink. I am serious today I kept wanting to eat each time my co-worker got irritating or people kept coming to me with problems or my boss started pushing more work onto me. I didn’t eat though because I wasn’t hungry I was stressed and there is a big step all on it’s own me taking the time to recognize the difference. Now if only I could find away to pay off my debt, support myself and my dogs all while staying at home hanging out with my dogs.
Haha I know I have to go to work so that isn’t going to happen but it’s okay I do take pleasure in the fact this morning I made a healthy lunch and stuck with that and didn’t drift to the vendor machine when the stress levels started to climb. Feeling a little bit proud tonight as I sit here after jumping off the x-trainer. Today was healthy (but yummy) food, exercise and being blessed enough to have a job so I can go out and earn the money to live and pay my debt. In a few years I can see myself climbing out of my debt and I am making so many steps towards things being so much better for myself in the future in so many ways.
After posting last night that there are still things in my past I need to deal with and type out on here I feel calmer just with the thought I will be doing that. I think we can call it keeping it real. I have been tossing around today where to start and I have decided at the beginning. Yep that’s where I will start but not tonight as it’s now 10.37pm and I really need to get to bed.
Living life sober, raw and real is our I choose to live my life and it was the best decision I ever made.
Hmm where to start I’m not to sure so will just let this ramble out as I type, you have probably figured out by now that is what I do most of the time and I do this late so normally there is no to little editing or proof reading so sorry about that.
Okay lets just start, basically I see lots of posts raving about how great life is now without alcohol and some people are even riding the (what did you guys call it one time??) pink elephant?? while shitting rainbows about how fantastic it is. I am so freakin happy for them, I really am! But it does make me sit here sometimes and think oh lordy I should be posting all the positives so that people can see how awesome life is without alcohol, because it is a million times better than living the alcoholic life that I was. But today I was thinking and I didn’t stop that thinking by shoving something in my mouth I actually sat there still and just let the thoughts go. There is still so much more that I have to process to be able to fully recover. Some people might be able to just move on from things and think that was then and this is now but that doesn’t work for me I’m afraid.
I’m not going to go deep into them tonight because I think that even the fact I have sat there with my thoughts and just let them run was enough for today but I can give you an example of what I was thinking. I posted once about when I was in a relationship and during that time I was raped whenever he felt like it and I didn’t. I also spoke about how I was raped by a family member and that family member is still in my life now. I actually took down the post about the memories I had when I went back to the town and saw the house I lived in with my ex, I used the reasoning that it was involving another person and if they were to see they would know it was them. Reality was I wasn’t ready to put it out there except for a couple of very close friends that I did let read it. I am ready now but not tonight. The next random thought that hit me was what did I do wrong to have people treat me like they did? My mothers abandonment I can now understand was due to her having a mental breakdown and just not bonding with me. But to have a family member rape me and then a partner what did I do wrong there?? It’s one thing to be raped once or by one person repeatedly but by two people you loved there is something fucked up and the answer was drugs and alcohol for both people as simple as that. Next thought (it’s been a busy day not eating to distract) what did I have then to live for that kept me going? What do I have now to keep me going? What will I have in the future to keep me going? So many questions, so many thoughts to process.
Living life sober, raw & real without emotional eating (haha getting longer as I learn things about myself) is so much better sober. Today I stuck to my eating plan and I did another 30 minutes on the X-Trainer along with walking the dogs twice. It was a good day and I don’t know if I imagine it but only 2 days in to eating better and moving more I am less bloated and my mood was lighter for most of it. I did have a grumpy pants moment out with the dogs because if they walked slower we would go back ward and then trying to drag me out onto the road did not go down well. This is all getting a bit long but I think what I’m trying to say is that living sober is awesome, seeing people grow and flourish without alcohol is a pleasure to watch and I feel blessed to share that in common with them. I would love to keep everything light and breezy and happy for you all but I think with trying to control emotional eating I need to dig deeper and bring out some of the pain and emotions I am trying to avoid. For those lovely people that so nicely told me not to over do it and not to stress myself it’s okay if I feel that happen I will back off, holding onto my sobriety is so priceless to me and that is my number one priority. I am enjoying working on myself and finding out who I am and whats been hiding under all these drunken layers.