Category Archives: exercise

Problem Found

Oh no!! I have found my problem and it’s my job, it is creating stress and making me want to eat and drink. I am serious today I kept wanting to eat each time my co-worker got irritating or people kept coming to me with problems or my boss started pushing more work onto me. I didn’t eat though because I wasn’t hungry I was stressed and there is a big step all on it’s own me taking the time to recognize the difference. Now if only I could find away to pay off my debt, support myself and my dogs all while staying at home hanging out with my dogs.

Haha I know I have to go to work so that isn’t going to happen but it’s okay I do take pleasure in the fact this morning I made a healthy lunch and stuck with that and didn’t drift to the vendor machine when the stress levels started to climb. Feeling a little bit proud tonight as I sit here after jumping off the x-trainer. Today was healthy (but yummy) food, exercise and being blessed enough to have a job so I can go out and earn the money to live and pay my debt. In a few years I can see myself climbing out of my debt and I am making so many steps towards things being so much better for myself in the future in so many ways.

After posting last night that there are still things in my past I need to deal with and type out on here I feel calmer just with the thought I will be doing that. I think we can call it keeping it real. I have been tossing around today where to start and I have decided at the beginning. Yep that’s where I will start but not tonight as it’s now 10.37pm and I really need to get to bed.

Living life sober, raw and real is our I choose to live my life and it was the best decision I ever made.

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Not Everything Can Be Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Hmm where to start I’m not to sure so will just let this ramble out as I type, you have probably figured out by now that is what I do most of the time and I do this late so normally there is no to little editing or proof reading so sorry about that.

Okay lets just start, basically I see lots of posts raving about how great life is now without alcohol and some people are even riding the (what did you guys call it one time??) pink elephant?? while shitting rainbows about how fantastic it is. I am so freakin happy for them, I really am! But it does make me sit here sometimes and think oh lordy I should be posting all the positives so that people can see how awesome life is without alcohol, because it is a million times better than living the alcoholic life that I was. But today I was thinking and I didn’t stop that thinking by shoving something in my mouth I actually sat there still and just let the thoughts go. There is still so much more that I have to process to be able to fully recover. Some people might be able to just move on from things and think that was then and this is now but that doesn’t work for me I’m afraid.

I’m not going to go deep into them tonight because I think that even the fact I have sat there with my thoughts and just let them run was enough for today but I can give you an example of what I was thinking. I posted once about when I was in a relationship and during that time I was raped whenever he felt like it and I didn’t. I also spoke about how I was raped by a family member and that family member is still in my life now. I actually took down the post about the memories I had when I went back to the town and saw the house I lived in with my ex, I used the reasoning that it was involving another person and if they were to see they would know it was them. Reality was I wasn’t ready to put it out there except for a couple of very close friends that I did let read it. I am ready now but not tonight. The next random thought that hit me was what did I do wrong to have people treat me like they did? My mothers abandonment I can now understand was due to her having a mental breakdown and just not bonding with me. But to have a family member rape me and then a partner what did I do wrong there?? It’s one thing to be raped once or by one person repeatedly but by two people you loved there is something fucked up and the answer was drugs and alcohol for both people as simple as that. Next thought (it’s been a busy day not eating to distract) what did I have then to live for that kept me going? What do I have now to keep me going? What will I have in the future to keep me going? So many questions, so many thoughts to process.

Living life sober, raw & real without emotional eating (haha getting longer as I learn things about myself) is so much better sober. Today I stuck to my eating plan and I did another 30 minutes on the X-Trainer along with walking the dogs twice. It was a good day and I don’t know if I imagine it but only 2 days in to eating better and moving more I am less bloated and my mood was lighter for most of it. I did have a grumpy pants moment out with the dogs because if they walked slower we would go back ward and then trying to drag me out onto the road did not go down well. This is all getting a bit long but I think what I’m trying to say is that living sober is awesome, seeing people grow and flourish without alcohol is a pleasure to watch and I feel blessed to share that in common with them. I would love to keep everything light and breezy and happy for you all but I think with trying to control emotional eating I need to dig deeper and bring out some of the pain and emotions I am trying to avoid. For those lovely people that so nicely told me not to over do it and not to stress myself it’s okay if I feel that happen I will back off, holding onto my sobriety is so priceless to me and that is my number one priority. I am enjoying working on myself and finding out who I am and whats been hiding under all these drunken layers.

Ahh Day One We Meet Again

Day one the day of thoughts and possibilities of what can be and how can I achieve it. It’s with a sense of excitement and hope that I can work out my emotional eating and being overweight. A part of me knows I can do this and yet there is that little voice of doubt in my mind that is going pfffftttt you have tried before and you cave so easily I doubt you’ll last the week. This time around I am taking my own advice that I gave someone on here, it really doesn’t matter how many day ones you do just keep fucken doing them until you reach your goal. I am over 18 months sober and that is all because I started with day one so guess what little voice we can do this so shut the hell up you, you, you hmmm gotta come up with a name for you.

Anyway once again just like me posting about my drinking I hope my post helps just one person at least. I will be trying to stop my emotional eating and lose weight while I’m at it. I don’t have the money to join a gym or anything else for that matter because I am also in financial shit and just keeping my head above water. Typing that and knowing that fact also does not help as stress and worry over that is also a big trigger so I don’t want to add to that worry in anyway. I am lucky that I own a ecliptic trainer (x-trainer depending on what you call them in your country) so that is a huge bonus. Because I still have plantar fasciitis and a screw through my ankle I think using the the x-trainer will be better and less jarring for me. I already walk the dogs at least once a day so I think I will stay away from that until this heals more. I will still get out and enjoy walking when I can because I love my bush / park walks and they have the bonus of boosting my mental health. So today I jumped on the x-trainer and I stayed on it for 30 minutes and helped pass the time listening to a pod cast so win, win for me.

Something else that I have everyone has access to I think as I know some of my overseas friends have used it and that is the awesome website MyFitnessPal which helps you record what you are eating and keep track of the kilo joules you are consuming each day. Oh also I have a Garmin Vivofit and I am able to link that to the website because it does into account exercise and increases the amount of kilo joules you can consume in that day. Here is the link to the website it anyone would like to try it as well. – www.myfitnesspal.com

It is easy to use and the more you use it the better, you can search for foods and if you don’t find them and have the nutrient content of what your eating you can enter them in. Then you just select each thing you eat during the day and record your water intake. Start by entering you weight, age etc and it calculates what your intake in kilo joules should be each day depending on whether you want to increase, maintain or decrease your weight. It is such a good site and the free version is awesome (you can upgrade for a cost). No I am not sponsored by them but I’m so broke I would take any offers lol.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and now I am adding to that choice I am sick of emotional eating and being unhappy because I’m fat which in turn added to the emotional eating which made me fat. Do you see the vicious circle here with my relationship with food? I see it but I also see that I have the potential to fix this for myself.

No Marathon

Well signing up for any marathons just yet has been grounded for now. My chiropractor has advised that it would be a stupid thing to do when we have spent the last few months (and still are) treating my feet for plantar fasciitis. I’m disappointed because I was using my yearning to help the animals to help myself by signing up for the SPCA fundraising marathon, or half marathon in my case. I am struggling to find motivation to exercise and I start with a hiss and roar and then stop. With work, volunteering, taking care of my dogs, taking care of all housework (I live alone so have to do it all myself) etc I really struggle to find the time. I was trying to get up at 5.30am to jump on the X-trainer and that lasted a week before I was exhausted. I often don’t finish my volunteer role until after 10.30pm and then when I’m finished I watch my favorite the good old Gilmore Girls to unwind and until I fall asleep. Hmmmm I’m going to have to put more thought into all of this. I am not liking the fact that I am slowly increasing in weight gain and I also don’t like being this unfit.

Exercise – maybe train for next years 1/2 marathon which would be a much slower build up than aiming for this year.

Read Books – I have so many books that I am sure will help, motivate and relax me just by spending time reading them.

Eat Better – Less chocolate and oh the dairy free Magnum ice creams I have found

More Sleep – Always exhausted and a lot is simply because I don’t get to bed early enough and actually go to sleep. Once I’m asleep I’m fine but at night I seem to come alive again.

A voice inside is saying do it, another voice is saying whatever bitch you ain’t got it in yah – Guess which one is going to win this one?

So I’m sitting here just thinking about it more and more and the more I think about it the more I think can I? should I? would I? Then I think just fucken do it!!!! Then I get carried away and not only have I found 1 that I want to do I have actually found 6 in total, that’s right 6 marathons over the next year. Lets see go from sloth AKA couch potato to a person who does marathons WTF right! Do I go for 6 marathons at 42km’s each or do I go for the 21km’s half marathon events hmmmm I’m not sure on that one. The first event would be in 3 months time so possibly the half and see if that kills me, I’ll think and see. That would mean I am doing events in September, October, December, February, March & April.

Why am I even thinking about it??? Well I need to get into exercise and I am struggling to stay motivated BUT if I have a goal to aim for I am a stubborn arse shit and I think I have a better chance of sticking at it. Also hopefully over that period of time I will form a habit and actually stick at it once they are all finished. Shit if I do the 21km’s this year what if I aim for the 42km’s next time round when I am fitter.

There is another reason why I need to do this I need to stop dwelling on things and feeling sad. Exercise is a natural anti-depressant and I need it I know that being an alcoholic it’s to easy for me at the moment to think what’s the point what does it matter if I drink but I realize that is my alcoholic inner beast talking. Can I pull this off, can I find the time to do this, will my body be able to cope with this? I need things to look forward to, I need things that I am proud of myself for achieving afterwards. At the moment if I don’t have some sort of goal or plan I am drifting and it’s a dangerous sort of drifting.

Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be but it does always require an awareness of my alcoholic demon and I have to be prepared to put in the work and have plans and goals in place to keep me heading in the right direction.

Oh Hello There ME!! Where have you been all this time?

What age did you all start to have a mind of your own? Hmm prehaps I better explain a bit more so you know what track I’m heading down.

When I left my ex it still took a few years for me to develop my own taste in things e.g. music, TV programs even down to realizing that I didn’t enjoy hunting like I thought I did. There was so much that I was doing that it turned out I didn’t really like at all. I would be doing things to please him and also things that he liked so that we could spend happy time together. Also he would have control of the stereo and the TV and I never questioned that. You might think that was quite pathetic but remember I left home and moved in with him at 16 years of age. I was leaving a home that I was not happy in and he was my knight and shining armor who came in and swept me off my feet and got me out of there to a safe place. I thought it was safe but as the years went on it sadly wasn’t but that is a different post.

Another example oh starting to have my own mind was to my parents but I have always been under the influence of them. Like I said above I left at 16 years of age but in that 16 years and being raised by them of cause you are raised with their morals and standards but even that I broke away from. I went against the family and as well as going out with a man of a different race I moved in with him as well and that was a lot for my family to take. Again, another story for another day. But even lately with my parents I can see the way I think and even that some of what I have been taught while being raised is wrong. I really don’t want you all thinking my parents are horrible people so trust me when I say they have done a lot for me and do have a lot of goodness about them as well. Lately I have started to notice just how racist my father is and his views and feelings on this are very strong. Goodness knows what his up bringing was like to be like this. But from my upbringing I can see now that I considered us more superior than some other races. Now I can see what absolute crap, there are amazing people in all races, there are crap people in all races. I can see that it’s not the race or color that determine these things in people.

I have friends that are living in a different financial range than myself and I have felt uncomfortable like I don’t belong or fit into their circle. You know what I can see now that is my parents thinking coming through. My Dad is a shocker and I can’t even really talk to him about my richer friends because he makes sarcastic comments about their life styles and how they “waste their money and show it off” which just isn’t true. They are used to living the way they are and shit why not they have worked hard for what they have. I do notice the wealth but I don’t care about that I care about their hearts and them as a person. If they were wealthy arseholes then I wouldn’t want to be their friend but same goes for people with no money, if your nice, your nice end of.

To wind this up I guess I am excited to develop and find ME and to think MY thoughts and to have my own morals and reasons for doing what I do. It’s also nice to find what I LIKE and what I LOVE. It’s nice to try things and do things which would of not been considered before because I was raised that people like I don’t do that or waste money on that. Not quite sure if I’m making sense anymore.

Living life sober, raw and real has let me start getting to know MYSELF on a much deeper level and it’s awesome. There was me who I was raised to be, there was me who I thought I needed to be and now there is me who still has bits left over from her but there is so much more that is ME and not anyone else anymore.

Exercise Day 9 – I have to stop and think if the past two days count, I went Skydiving for the first time yesterday and was so sick with motion sickness that I wasn’t capable of jumping on the x-trainer. Does jumping from a perfectly good plane at 16,000 feet and dropping towards the ground at over 200kph count? I am counting it because the adrenaline rush lasted for so long I’m sure it must. Today I walked the dogs twice along with heaps of housework that I didn’t finish until dinner time but with all of this I have done over 12,000 steps which equals over 8k’s once again I think that counts. Neither have been spending my day as a couch potato.

Exercise – Day 2

Why oh why does everything I do take me having a mental argument with myself???? I have had a busy weekend with no real down time which if I’m honest pisses me off because work is full on and I am tired, so tired. But yesterday I came on here and I put out to the universe that I was going to do some exercise each day and to keep damn well doing it until it becomes a habit. I started the morning thinking yep I will do the exercise today but first I need to get up and walk the dogs. I got back and oh I need to hang out that load of washing, clean and load the bird feeder, clean and hang out the dogs pee pad, get the dogs breakfast, get my breakfast, fuck I better hurry up and get on the FB page and do my volunteer role because the others will get shitty if I don’t show soon, 2 hours later I really have to go and visit my Mum (she hardly ever visits me so I try to see her at least twice a week) on the way home grab some groceries for lunch this week at work, get in the dry washing, have a late lunch, get back on the FB page and catch up, time to take the dogs for another walk, come home get back on the FB page and catch up, get the dogs dinner, do the ironing, make the bed…………….. what about my dinner it’s already 7.15pm!!!

Oh shit wait I haven’t done my promised to myself god damn fucken exercise!!! Arrrrrgggghhhhh day two and already I am failing, oh crap. Oh it doesn’t matter I have already done close to 10,000 steps today that counts as exercise right? My foot is aching ( I currently have inflammation of the plantar fascia and it’s so sore I need to get off my feet. I need dinner before it gets to late cause isn’t it bad to eat late??? It’s cold, having another shower after I finish will all be adding up in the power bill you know????? OMGosh can you see what is happening here???? This is the same mind I lost time after time with my battle of the bottle and this is the same mind I had to fight to achieve my sobriety!

I stood there and I thought I am not going to login tonight and put up a post saying Day Two – well it’s was fucked I failed already, I just am not going to do it. Half and hour that is all I need to do, half a bloody hour on the x-trainer and then I can rest in the knowledge that not only did I do the exercise but I fought my annoying part of my brain that pulls that shit and I won. So jump on the X-Trainer I did and although there was a lot of timer watching thinking oh come on already, and although my foot is bloody sore now I am bloody happy that I did it. I am tossing up the idea of setting a goal like when I started out to be sober of 30 days. Hmm should I, could I, would I???

Living life sober, raw and real is the only way I want to live but I want there to be more than that. Walking home from the park with the dogs tonight I thought to myself previously I would of rushed home so I could sit down and start drinking. Tonight I came in and finished my chores, did my exercise, did more volunteer stuff AND posted on here. Might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I am currently feeling so blessed that I can do all this and more.

Exercise – Day One

Okay I had to put “Exercise” in the header because I didn’t want anyone thinking oh fuck she’s fallen off the wagon again. Nope, nope still sober 16 months & 4 days and counting and no desire to be any other way. There are times when I would like the ability to numb when I just can’t switch my mind off or when I get far to stressed but seriously I don’t want to use alcohol to do that anymore I will find other techniques and skills to deal with things now. I really have uncovered some crap in my life over the last 16 months (oddly enough I still can’t remember my childhood but my therapist said that may never happen) and I have been progressing and dealing with a LOT. Even though I struggle with it all at times and I do have many patches of depression and sadness I feel that I am much healthier mentally than when I was numbing it out and not facing those feelings.

Anyway I am stalling the real point of this post, today I exercised. Every day I walk my dogs at least once but it’s not really exercise because they stop to sniff the roses, grass, bush, pee trail you get the idea there is a lot of dawdling involved with lots of stops. I don’t normally hurry them because I am a believer in their noses and the scents they tell are telling them stories and would I want to be dragged away when in the middle of a chapter, hell no I wouldn’t. Today was a wet and windy day so instead of going outdoors for a walk I jumped on the x-trainer for 30 minutes. I might change my mind but I have decided that by posting on here with my boozing I was putting it out in the universe and making myself accountable. So here I am putting out that I want exercise to become a habit, I am hoping that by adding it into my daily routine that it will help with my depression as well. I am sick of being a sloth (I love sloths by the way) and am getting fatter and need to exercise but at this stage I am only starting with exercise and here is why. Every other time I have raced in and I have tried doing exercise and diet and therapy and sobriety all at once and frankly I got overwhelmed. My plan is to exercise every day and then when I am ready start on the diet.

Oh but I have added these shot drinks into my day that smell and taste like they came fresh out of the lawn mower. They come in powder form and you just add water and shake them up. The powder is made up of the following – wheatgrass, barleygrass, green pea, broccoli sprout, spearmint, manuka leaf, blackcurrant & boysenberry. I am really keen to see if these help me and as well as a zillion other benefits it is suppose to help with my anemia so lets see what happens. If your interested at all this is the link to them – http://www.nutrientrescue.nz

With regards to the gluten free diet my plans are as I use things up I will replace with gluten free, I have been gluten free previously for years so know I can do it. Financially I can’t afford to waste the current food and supplies I have hence just doing it as I run out.

Hmm I guess I am tackling exercise and diet at once in away. Oh one thing I love when I am exercising is some of the great podcasts I get to listen to and here are two things I remember from todays session that struck a cord with me. We are all wanting to be loved and to feel like we belong but there is a difference between a tribe and a community. These are what Tribe and Community originally meant or how they formed.

Tribes were formed out of a mutual hate. – Communitys were formed out mutual love.

Next statement that got me thinking – Humans have been given the ability to love more than evolution requires.

Both of those I got from listening to – Oprah / Super Soul Conversations – David Brooks / The Quest For A Moral Life

Living life sober, raw & real is a blessing and one I fully intend to be giving myself for the rest of my life. It is one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself.

Depression & Diet

I seriously thought I was starting to lose my fucken mind again. I have been sinking into a deep depression, suffering anxiety, feeling like crap mentally and physically. I have lost all motivation and drive and am feeling so flat I have been scaring myself. I have been putting myself through the craziest mind fuck of what the hell is wrong with me??? Why am I so depressed when I have so much going for me. Compared to where I was a year and a half ago I am now days off being 14 months sober. I now have some beautiful, truly amazing soul sisters in my corner you know the sort right? The sort that you can and have been nothing but 100% honest and open with so they love you for the real new NOT the you that you portrayed because you wanted to fit in and be loved. I have 2 dogs who mean more to me than anything in this world (please don’t ever play the game would you save your dogs or me with me, you will be disappointed). I have a home, a job, a car and I haven’t ever had to go without a meal because I couldn’t afford one. I have all of that going for me and yet I had the shittest depression going and I simply don’t know why and it was spiraling deeper and deeper. My body has slowly been kicking my arse at an ever increasing rate and I often start my day with a nurofen. Oh and my energy levels can be summed up with that bus departed town long ago, I am exhausted. Exercising helps me mentally when I can gather the energy for it but I often just can’t summon up the energy to even start exercising. As a result of all this my self esteem is taking a big plunge and I am going through a lot of self loath. I have a sore foot that starts in my heel and goes along the sole of my foot which by the end of the day makes me hobble as it hurts like hell until it gets stretched out.

I have been seeing a chiropractor and she has been treating my foot as well. On my last appointment we got on to discussing my diet. I don’t know why this has occurred to me before but I have been eating gluten for the last few months after being years without it. Her first question was “why the hell would you start to eat it again, seriously?” and I explained that I was anemic and my doctor wanted to confirm if I was a celiac or not. I stopped eating it years before along with dairy and anything wheat after years of feeling like crap and slowly getting worse and worse. I was misdiagnosed as having irritable bowel syndrome, I was going to have surgery on my tear ducts to widen them after the specialist said they weren’t wide enough and that was why I always had watery eyes. All of those symptoms actually stopped when I cut the wheat, gluten and dairy out of my diet. But I had never been tested for the celiac disease because I stopped all of the in take and they wouldn’t of been able to do an accurate test. In order to be able to to do test I had to have a very heavy intake of gluten for 6 weeks before I had blood tests to confirm one way or another. I did feel crap through out the 6 weeks but I think anyone would having to eat at least 6 slices of bread a day as the doctor ordered but I didn’t get sick at all just a bit achy in the joints for the first couple of weeks. The blood results came back that I didn’t have celiac disease but I did gain a extra weight and my doctor told me hey there is nothing wrong with you and gluten go ahead and just include it in your diet like a normal person. By this time my body was used to it so I just kept eating it and to be honest enjoyed all the yummy things like soft white bread some sauces that I had been avoiding etc, anything that didn’t have dairy in it. But now my chiropractor sat there with a shocked look on her face and said bloody hell I shouldn’t put another doctor down but I think you need to cut it out of your diet again. She asked how was I feeling mentally and I told her that I was depressed, suffering anxiety and was having trouble thinking straight and had cloudy brain. She told me to go home and look up the side effects of being gluten intolerant and also starting up gluten after going without. Her advice is to give it up again.

Here is 14 main points that are repeated over and over in my search and I have highlighted the ones I currently have –

  1. Bloating
  2. Diarrhea, Constipation and Smelly Feces
  3. Abdominal Pain
  4. Headaches
  5. Feeling Tired
  6. Skin Problems
  7. Depression
  8. Unexplained Weight Loss
  9. Iron-Deficiency Anemia
  10. Anxiety
  11. Autoimmune Disorders
  12. Joint & Muscle Pain
  13. Leg or Arm Numbness
  14. Brain Fog

Now I find myself sitting here thinking how the hell did I miss all the signs!!!!! Guess what I’m going to be doing now, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that I am gluten intolerant.

Living life sober, raw & real is the way I choose to live my life now and I wouldn’t have it any other way. If I was still drinking myself to sleep every night I wouldn’t even be bothered in working out things like this. Lets see how long it takes me to get my mojo back again 🙂

Brighter Day Today

I feel like I am getting more sunshine back into my life, there seems to be a break in the darkness. I have no doubt that coming back on here and just writing out things in my brain, and interacting with some of you wonderful people, exercising more, improving my diet and trying not to dwell on missing my friends is all helping. I know that the darkness will left if I wait long enough AND I make efforts to help myself. Falling into depression is not new to me but it is something that I can take steps to look after myself to avoid it the best I can and I wasn’t doing that.

Living life sober, raw and real is so very worth it. You will feel all emotions good and bad but you will no longer be cheating yourself out of these feelings by just numbing them away. If you feel the bad the good feels that much brighter.