Well I’m still exhausted and everything feels like an effort and heavy and even my eyeballs are tired! I don’t know if the emotional ride I just gave myself was so intense that it zap any energy I had or if I’m not well at the moment. You know those moments when you are so tired you feel like you’ve got the flu because your body aches? Well that’s how I feel right now but and this is a huge BUT I feel so calm. What I would love is to take off in a camper van with my dogs and just travel and stop where I want and just cruise and enjoy the break. I want to wake up without the aid of an alarm and if I had a choice to the sound of waves crashing on the beach. Get up and walk the dogs on the beach and come back to the van and enjoy a morning coffee and breakfast with them and to just sit and enjoy. No need to hurry so I can get to work on time. No difference between a week day and a weekend. Explore the walks and sights of different places, enjoy my own company and just enjoy moments of peace. I don’t want to be around other people at the moment. I want to be able to meditate at any moment I feel the urge. I want to relax on the bed of the camper van with a good book and the dogs by my side. I don’t even want my phone or computer I want to go internet free. I just want to be me and have no schedules just take it as it comes. Even going to bed at sunset and getting up to see the sunrise just sounds like heaven.
But then reality sets in and instead I know tomorrow I have to prepare for a hard work week ahead with early starts and full days. I also have no money to go anywhere with and I have bills that need to be paid. Treatment for my dog needs to be paid for and regular vet appointments meet. I don’t own a van and it’s not safe anymore for a female to travel and sleep in vehicles alone. Ahhhh but I can dream can’t I and even though I can’t do all of these things it’s okay because I am still smiling as I type this. Even having this dream but having to face the reality of my life is so much better and blessed than what so many have, I am lucky. One day the debt will be paid, at the very least I will have vacation time and even a week or two away with my dogs will be freakin heaven.
Living life sober, raw and real is such a blessing and I really can’t see myself bothering to ever drink again. I just can see the point of wasting money but more importantly wasting my time on it when I have so much to do and see and I want to do it 100% sober.
Well this week the eating healthy and exercising started well but obviously I don’t have great control when things get to emotional and it all started to go to shit half way through the week. I haven’t been sleeping well and between that and thinking out some of my emotional baggage I was exhausted. So emotional & tired while processing was enough for me and I stopped exercising (apart from walking my dogs) and I turned to chocolate, ice cream and basically over eating. I’m sad that it got derailed because I was doing so well but I am not disappointed in myself at all. I seriously think I made the right choice to focus on processing the mental side of things this week. Now I feel tired but I also feel like it has really helped, I am at peace with it now and excited to move on from here.
Balance and acceptance while not pushing myself to far and hard is something I can now see is very important. I think the lesson learned here is important in all aspects of my life, emotions, physical health, finances well basically anything.
Living life sober, raw and real is so awesome. I am allowing myself to feel the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and face things head on and actually deal with them. Sorting things out in your mind and finding away to process them and have skills to cope with them from now on are vital. I am proud of how I processed them but I am also very aware that I no longer want to dwell on things for to long. If I can’t process and work them through in a healthy time frame I will be seeking the help of a therapist again.
I really enjoyed my weekend just gone and the main reason was that I found total peace in it again. I just had the best peaceful, drama free, relax with doggies, walks in my favorite places sort of weekend. It was just a basic weekend, nothing special but everything special all in one. It was so relaxed and the peaceful calm feeling made it feel so special.
On the Saturday I woke early, hang over free like I have every morning for oh the last 18 months or so but this morning I thought how blessed am I not to be a prison of my own doing anymore. I got up and took my 2 dogs for the must relaxed walk around our local streets. It always makes my heart sing just watching them and seeing how much they enjoy just getting out for a walk. They honestly sniff everything including the flowers, they pee on what they want and carry on and the parts they can’t be bothered with they just trot on, we can learn a lot from animals. Come home hang some washing in the dryer, that’s right we have 4 seasons in one day here at the moment and hanging it out only gives it extra rinses. Breakfast for me and the dogs and then a couple of hours doing my volunteer work. Dad popped around for a visit so we chatted for a while about nothing and everything as you do in chit chat but the thing that blew me away at the end of it was him stopping to tell me how proud he was of me (well me and my brother but this is about me) and how he is so blown away by the amount of kindness and giving I do for others man and animals. There was even tears in his eyes as he said it, it was almost awkward because he really doesn’t express himself like that. I was a bit taken back but we just kept chatting. Next a walk around my favorite tropical garden, I go there often because it really does change so often with different flowers appearing all the time. While there I went and sat in my meditation spot, I sat there in total peace thinking about the posts I have been doing lately. I didn’t start sobbing or bawling but I did sit there as tears just rolled down my face. It was so freeing as I just let go. Back home and walk my dogs again then dinner and back into my volunteer work.
Sunday started the same, hang over free, walk the dogs, breakfast, volunteer work and then off for a walk around our cities river. The great thing was that it was gently raining so there wasn’t many people about at all. I had on the best tunes and for an hour and half I just walked around the whole track and took photos of beautiful things I saw on my way. The music the scenery and just the inner peace made it the most pleasant walk. I came home and did some more volunteering and then did the housework I had been putting off so I could be ready for my work week.
Living sober, raw & real is my choice and I have no regrets instead I am so blessed. All of the above seems so simple and probably so boring to some but for me all I could do this weekend was think how lucky I am to be living a sober life. This simple peaceful weekend would never of happened had I been drinking, I would of been to hung over, struggling to take the dogs for a walk let alone anything else. Come the afternoon I would of been counting down to drinks time and drank until I passed out again. That sort of life is total bullshit and it really is living like a prisoner but now I’m free even the basic is peaceful and enjoyable.
Holy moly I have realized just how much the last week has sucked the life out of me! OMGosh that was a big lesson on oxygen thieves / energy vampires. As an alcoholic can I give advice for other addicts out there like myself who is on their road to recovery. Please, please, please be so careful of these people. Just everyday drama that blows all out of proportion and caused by one self centered person is dangerous. The desire as an empath to help this person and to fix everything for them was so strong but the price to myself was to high. It drained all my energy and consumed all my time and emotional energy. I had taken a long weekend from work to charge my batteries and then this toxic person drops their bomb on Friday night. We are now up to Thursday night and almost a week later she still found away to contact me. I sat at my desk just about in tears today feeling totally sick to the point of wanting to throw up because I thought I had covered everything and blocked her. Tonight hopefully I have achieved that this time!
My main point is I can now see how dangerous it is to get that low is energy, overwhelmed in emotions and over thinking everything as I tried to fix the world. My mind went crazy and the silence was totally lost and all I could think was that I wanted it to stop. I wanted to take a break from it and just get pissed. I wanted to drink myself to sleep instead of staying up late because I couldn’t wind down. I wanted to pass out rather than go to bed and not sleep and once I did then keep waking up stressing about the problem. In 3 more days I will be sober for 18 months this time around and yet because of someone’s toxic behavior (even now she is apologizing in messages to people but posting shit that is so nasty her apology obviously doesn’t mean shit) I was close to blowing it just to be able to turn out for a few hours. I would of felt like absolute crap the next day (if I didn’t kill myself with alcohol poisoning that is, sounds dramatic right but not really if I drank what I used to all in one sitting now my body would not cope) not only would I of been as hung over as fuck I would of had such self loath, shame, disappointment the list just goes on. Please everyone learn from my lesson and be so careful of the people you let into your energy zone.
Living life sober, raw and real can be magical but I will never forget that I am an alcoholic and holding onto my own sobriety means so much more to me than blowing it over someone else having toxic behavior. Don’t let them suck the living life out of you, we all deserve so much better and need to treasure our sobriety and time we have here.
Just a quick post tonight but my advice for toxic people in your life. The best thing I did after the weekend is I have made it so I can’t see anything they post. I can’t see them posting utter crap about me now the messages they are sending me trying to get my attention. Today was lovely I wasn’t worried about looking at my phone for fear of what I might see. I didn’t sit there upset over what was being said, I didn’t have to sit there thinking of a way to reply. Please just turn them OFF don’t let that toxic energy into your life.
BUT THERE IS A HUGE POSITIVE OUT OF ALL OF THISand it’s you guys!!! Honestly I was so stressed and low from it all that the lovely messages and support I got from you all really did help me. Dwight your lovely message brought me to tears, love making you proud ❤ I haven’t replied to you all tonight but I will do when I have time just wanted you to know I have read them and I appreciate them so very much so THANK YOU. The positive totally wipes out the negative XOX
“At some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Just everywhere I look there are blessings that I have been taking for granted and although I have wants and desires if where I am right now is how things stay then I am fine with that. I don’t mean that I’ll stop trying to better myself and have things easier and improve things BUT I can honestly say that were I am at this point is awesome. Right from the start of my day today while having my normal hot and steamy shower I thought “water” I take having fresh and abundant water for granted. If you Google “warning about water shortage in the world” this is the first result that comes up from good, old Wikipedia – “Water scarcity is the lack of fresh water resources to meet water demand. … One-third of the global population (2 billion people) live under conditions of severe water scarcity at least 1 month of the year. Half a billion people in the world face severe water scarcity all year round. “ WOW can you image that??? I seriously hope that you all can’t and are part of this group. No water to bath (I feel gross if I don’t have a shower and wash my hair everyday). No water for drinking, there really is nothing better to quench your thirst with and now that I have stopped drinking my favorite drink of choice is sparkling water. No water for cooking with. No water for watering the garden. No water for washing the car. Oh man the implications are crazy.
Contentment to me is meaning having the basics and being happy, I am glad I am doing this because I failed to see them as the blessing they are – Home, Power & Water. Thank you sobriety for letting me see and blog about my blessings.
I am so very blessed to have my own home, it is a perfect little home for me and my dogs. The awesome thing is that it is the perfect size for us, not to big, not to small just freakin perfect. I used to look at other peoples homes and be envious of them but no more. This is the part of me needing to focus on being content with my life right now. How silly of me to miss it and to take this blessing for granted, I don’t think that is quite the right word but silly for wanting bigger, flasher and more modern. How about I turn this around and stop being an ungrateful little bitch?
I love my home, it is not to big so it doesn’t take long to do the housework each weekend. Cosy is a word that comes to mind and I have moulded it into my own little haven and relax zone. I don’t think anyone should take having a home for granted now a days and you are blessed if you have one. Sadly my awareness is growing of seeing homeless people more and more. So many people & families are living in their cars or in emergency housing that just the security of having your own home is a blessing that so many no longer have.
In my volunteer role I am dealing with more and more people who are having to rehome their pets because they no longer have a home or they have had to move into a rental that they can afford but it won’t allow pets. It is often not a case of them rehoming them because they don’t care but rather because they do care so much and want the best for their pets. Just the other night I was helping a guy find a foster for his cat. He loves his cat so much and it is so sad because he probably needs the cat with him but he is living in his car and has decided that it is not fair on a cat to live in a car. He is looking for a foster but will pay all expenses and is hoping to find somewhere to live eventually that will let him have his cat with him. I am so blessed that I have my own home and giving up my pets is not something I need to worry about.
Yep I am so content, blessed and grateful that I have my own home and it will never be taken for granted.
I think I want to focus on my own contentment more, I want to focus more on the many blessings that I already have in my life. I have so many and also think I have missed some important achievements that I have done over the last 18 months of sobriety. It’s to late now as I am TRYING to get to bed earlier each night and see how I feel doing that but I am committing to a week of contentment posts 🙂 In 7 posts I don’t think I will have any trouble at all finding topics each night.
Actually lets quickly start tonight with an item on contentment. I am so happy that I am living a sober life and not only am I content to be this way but it’s a huge blessing. The clarity that comes with living without booze is incredible and totally missed while you are drinking. I used come up with so many excuses so I could keep drinking but what I should of been doing is finding the many reasons why not drinking is so much better.
My mind often swings between nothingness and so many intense thoughts all at once I almost have to tell them to take a number. Over the last week I could feel myself getting more and more wound up an I just needed to step away from it all today and take time out for myself. I took myself off to my favorite place and the photos in my header are some I took while there including my spot I go to meditate. It is an amazing spot that is off the normal walking track in the bush where the bird sing around you and the whole thing is just tranquil and just what I needed. It is amazing how I can be in this place and experience so many thoughts and emotions (I pretty much always have a cry up there just from being overwhelmed by my own thoughts) and yet when I take the time to just sit and just be and tell my mind stop for a moment lets draw breath my body just calms. I was going to explain the amount of thoughts I had before I reached this moment but instead I am hoping that I just leave you with calm or the desire to go out and find your own calming place.