It took a lot of hurt to reach this level with some of my past and it is one way that I have survived. Everything has a lesson even if it’s to show you that you are stronger than you think.
I spend so much time thinking I want to earn more, lose weight, pay of the debt, study for Animal Welfare…… want, want, want. But tonight while I was walking the dogs I thought you no what, none of those things will mean jack shit when I die. There is one thing I don’t need to work for, earn more for blah blah and that is my kindness. I will die a happy person if what I am remembered for is my kindness. I can live without the rest, I’m fine with that (I’m not giving up on trying to improve myself at all) but I want to be kind to others.
I think I am fortunate with what has happened to me in my life because it has equipped me with amazing empathy and kindness. I know how it feels to be treated badly whether it be through abandonment or abuse or even self abuse with my alcoholism. I am so glad that I am living life sober and now I don’t suffer from anxiety as bad and I can show this side of myself to more people.
Oh I know what else I want to be remembered for….. making a difference for the animals, for the ones that can’t speak up for themselves;
It’s funny how things come up on your social media that when you read them you just stop and go oh hell yes and tonight for me it was this one –
Now I am not a genius and I’m not even qualified to give out advice so if you have something that has hurt you and you can’t find away to move on or find away to process it in your mind I am qualified enough to recommend you reach out and ask for help. I have been through years of hurt but it was not until I started living sober this time (yes I have been sober before and my goodness did I fall hard when I fell off the wagon) that I actually started to feel things. I have felt happiness, joy and freedom most of the lovely things but I also allowed myself to feel the bad as well like pain, anger and guilt. The bits I got stuck on I got help from a therapist and it enabled me to move on and process them. I’m not saying it all magically disappears because it doesn’t it is a work in progress and I think it always will be. One thing I have learnt though is that I don’t want to live the rest of my life with that all hidden away and numbed out with booze. It turns out that I do have a great way of thinking about things and that given long enough I can process them.
Living life sober, raw and real and honest to myself allowing those feelings to come through has been hard but it has been so very worth it.
I spend 70% of my time either working or volunteering or doing things for others and last weekend I took time out to have some time for ME. To go to my special place which is a tropical garden you are suppose to make a gold coin donation when you enter and I didn’t have any gold coins left so went for a bit of a drive around instead. It got me thinking about how much do we actually explore our own back yards? I went to one part of our city that I hadn’t been to before and it was an industrial area, thankfully it was the weekend so I wasn’t annoying anyone with my Nana driving and taking everything in. It was good just taking in the sights and noticing some things that I wouldn’t of if I hadn’t of taken the time. We have some massive boats, ferries, yachts in our city that are having work done on them and I had no idea that we could cater such huge launches they would have to be worth a couple of million alone.
I am trying to come up with things to get me out and all part of a self care plan to ensure that I get down time from work and volunteering. I have just added this to my list along with the tropical gardens – I have a map of the city and I am going to work my way through it by either driving, walking and eventually maybe cycling (if I can find a bike) my way around the city. While I do this I am hoping to find things that are interesting, magical or just plan beautiful to practice my photography skills on.
Living life sober, raw and real is the best gift I gave myself and I know I wouldn’t be living the life I am now and planning things like the above if I wasn’t.
You know what I am really feeling the whole Christmas spirit this time around. It has been amazing just how much I am loving having my beautiful Christmas tree up which is about 8 feet tall and looks like it’s been sprinkled with snow and has the most gorgeous lights that flash different colors, pulses and then white lights and then starts the cycle all over again. I also have a Santa Claus and other Christmas teddies that I had stored away and forgot about. Actually mid rant I think looking at my tree that at least once in my life I must have a white Christmas and be somewhere with snow. I have seen snow from the distance but I have never touched it and in all the Christmas movies it looks lovely. Anyway back to my ramblings, just having that tree up has made me realize that I had something else stolen from me in my life and that was all the Christmas times I should of enjoyed instead of going through an internal hell. This time, this time I am determined it will be different. I still have to get through Christmas day but I can still have a lovely morning and evening at home on my own with my dogs.
We are starting to get so busy at work that the team members are starting to get stressed and snappy. Haha this year I am one of those annoying as hell people that is happy and slips the odd Christmas Carole into the music playlist hahaha. I am staying out of drama’s, stress circles which often all feed off each other, gossip and the good old can’t be fucked attitudes. I am just happy to do my job, do it well and I go home exhausted at the end of the day but am still happy. It’s still not and never will be my dream job but I need it and thank God I have it so I can meet bill payments and vet expenses. So to anyone that might want to kill my buzz here’s my message for you – piss off, I am well overdue this feeling and you will not squash my attitude.
Living life sober, raw and real is giving me the mental power to be able to do this and without sobriety it just would not be possible.
Well I have done it, this year, today I put up a Christmas Tree in my home and it looks so lovely even if I do say so myself. For years I have had a bah humbug attitude towards Christmas but this year I am determined to have some festivity in my life and home. It actually feels really nice sitting here looking at the tree with the beautiful light flashing, I thought my dogs might be scared by them but they haven’t worried about them at all.
I did want to share with you all though that by my own experience the festive season is not always a happy time of the year for everyone. I enjoy getting together with my family in one way but in another way it is really, really hard. To sit at the table eating your Christmas dinner with someone who raped you way back when I was still a child but bordering on being a teenager is really difficult. For reasons discussed previously I have not ever told my family about my rapes by the family member and then by my ex but it is something that you can forgive but you can never forget. I find myself going through the motions and putting on a happy face, previously I would drink a bit and then get home and get totally pissed just to forget it all. Now I don’t have that so called luxury, instead I have to face it head on and the raw emotions and feelings that come with it. It occurred to me last year that why should this time of year be so miserable for me for the whole month?? I am the one with the power to make it not be miserable and I also hold the power to look after myself and ensure that I do give myself some self care and be kind to myself. Unfortunately I will still have to face the family Christmas dinner because to not show for that would break my parents hearts and I can never explain to them why I would rather not so I will have to attend that. But I can make sure I have a lovely morning first with a nice walk with my dogs. Go for family lunch and come home in the afternoon to hang out with my dogs again. Maybe have something yummy and special for dinner, I don’t know just find away to make sure I do enjoy it.
My whole point is look after each other, if someone isn’t in the whole festive mood maybe there is a bloody good reason for it. Living life sober, raw and real is letting me have thoughts like this and to start to take action to change the parts of my life that make me sad.
I have had a very enjoyable weekend, one were I managed to get all my chores done on the Saturday and then take some time out and relax on the Sunday. Of cause this also involved some moments of thinking and of random thoughts and tonight I share them with you.
I really think that I need to listen to my inner voice more and listen less to others. I am my own person, I have ideas, beliefs, goals & moral compass. I also have a growing desire to learn more in hope that I can play a small part to right some of the wrongs in the world.
There is also a desire in me to stop with the rush, rush, be better, do better drive. No I’m not giving up on it totally but today it occurred to me while walking me dogs that right in that moment I was happy and content. I was there with my dogs which is my favorite place in the whole world to be. It was a beautiful afternoon with the sun still warming my body all while the gentle breeze was starting to have the evening cooling caress to it. The thought came to me at that moment that if this is as good as it gets then that is enough, it is more than enough. I have a home, a job, my bill payments are up to date, my over draft is at it’s maximum but I have food to last me and the dogs until next payday oh and the gas tank in the car is pretty close to full, I have a full time job and all of that makes for a very blessed life.
The last few weeks I have followed the Grace Millane case and I think with the rest of New Zealand I cried along with the parents as the verdict of guilty was released. I have a lot of feelings and emotions about that case and a part of my own PTS has been triggered by some of the case. Although they will never read it I am hoping to write a letter on her to her parents as I can’t stop thinking of them and what they have endured.
Today I went to my favorite place (the header image is one of many I took from there) and as I walked around I passed a few groups of young people. I really don’t know why they were there as they weren’t even taking in the beauty of the place and really missed so much. There constant chatter was annoying (sounding like a grumpy old lady now lol) in such a tranquil setting as they tried to out do each other and the talk got louder. I stopped myself right there and thought what the heck am I doing, they are happy and enjoying the moment which was each others company. We can all be in the same place and have totally different experiences. I ended up climbing up a hill to a place that I like to meditate, it is right in the bush and not many people bother climbing there so to be interrupted is rare. I took the time while I was there to thank my higher power for my life and for the many blessings in it. I asked that my friends, family and pets all be looked after and that I be guided in my journey.
Living life sober, raw & real has given me moments like the above when previously my head would of been struggling to focus enough to get through my chores in a weekend. I would of woken up late after a terrible night of trying to sleep and would of felt rough and then spent the day looking forward to tonight so I could start drinking again. Fuck that life style ever again. Oh the getting up early to write didn’t happen because it was such a lovely morning I wanted to get out and take my dogs for a walk before it got to hot, that lead to getting home and cleaning the bird bath and filling the bird feeder etc, etc, etc but like I say it was a lovely day. I even managed to fit an hour nana nap with my dogs and woke up feeling so good! Enough of the ramblings, I hope you have all had or are having the best weekends.
Well tomorrow is my birthday and I’ll be turning 51 and I’m happy about that as it wasn’t that long ago I didn’t want to be here and now I treasure every single day I’m given. I can’t afford to do anything but that’s okay because it doesn’t take money to do what I am going to gift myself this time around. I have decided what do I want to gift myself this year and the answer is a little bit of time and at this stage I am thinking a month. I am giving myself a month to just be me, just relax and accept myself for who I am, what I am and how I am at this very point and time in my life. No worrying about being fat, unfit, broke, not good enough, not smart enough, just not enough really. For this month I am going to just be content with right now! It is a freakin long way from where I was and I just want to take a moment to stop beating myself up wanting to improve everything. If I feel like doing anything this month it will be because I want to do it not because I have something stressing me mentally pushing me into doing it. This month is a gift to my body and my mind and away of telling myself you are good enough right as you are here and now.
Well I’m still exhausted and everything feels like an effort and heavy and even my eyeballs are tired! I don’t know if the emotional ride I just gave myself was so intense that it zap any energy I had or if I’m not well at the moment. You know those moments when you are so tired you feel like you’ve got the flu because your body aches? Well that’s how I feel right now but and this is a huge BUT I feel so calm. What I would love is to take off in a camper van with my dogs and just travel and stop where I want and just cruise and enjoy the break. I want to wake up without the aid of an alarm and if I had a choice to the sound of waves crashing on the beach. Get up and walk the dogs on the beach and come back to the van and enjoy a morning coffee and breakfast with them and to just sit and enjoy. No need to hurry so I can get to work on time. No difference between a week day and a weekend. Explore the walks and sights of different places, enjoy my own company and just enjoy moments of peace. I don’t want to be around other people at the moment. I want to be able to meditate at any moment I feel the urge. I want to relax on the bed of the camper van with a good book and the dogs by my side. I don’t even want my phone or computer I want to go internet free. I just want to be me and have no schedules just take it as it comes. Even going to bed at sunset and getting up to see the sunrise just sounds like heaven.
But then reality sets in and instead I know tomorrow I have to prepare for a hard work week ahead with early starts and full days. I also have no money to go anywhere with and I have bills that need to be paid. Treatment for my dog needs to be paid for and regular vet appointments meet. I don’t own a van and it’s not safe anymore for a female to travel and sleep in vehicles alone. Ahhhh but I can dream can’t I and even though I can’t do all of these things it’s okay because I am still smiling as I type this. Even having this dream but having to face the reality of my life is so much better and blessed than what so many have, I am lucky. One day the debt will be paid, at the very least I will have vacation time and even a week or two away with my dogs will be freakin heaven.
Living life sober, raw and real is such a blessing and I really can’t see myself bothering to ever drink again. I just can see the point of wasting money but more importantly wasting my time on it when I have so much to do and see and I want to do it 100% sober.
Well this week the eating healthy and exercising started well but obviously I don’t have great control when things get to emotional and it all started to go to shit half way through the week. I haven’t been sleeping well and between that and thinking out some of my emotional baggage I was exhausted. So emotional & tired while processing was enough for me and I stopped exercising (apart from walking my dogs) and I turned to chocolate, ice cream and basically over eating. I’m sad that it got derailed because I was doing so well but I am not disappointed in myself at all. I seriously think I made the right choice to focus on processing the mental side of things this week. Now I feel tired but I also feel like it has really helped, I am at peace with it now and excited to move on from here.
Balance and acceptance while not pushing myself to far and hard is something I can now see is very important. I think the lesson learned here is important in all aspects of my life, emotions, physical health, finances well basically anything.
Living life sober, raw and real is so awesome. I am allowing myself to feel the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and face things head on and actually deal with them. Sorting things out in your mind and finding away to process them and have skills to cope with them from now on are vital. I am proud of how I processed them but I am also very aware that I no longer want to dwell on things for to long. If I can’t process and work them through in a healthy time frame I will be seeking the help of a therapist again.