Well here we are, Sunday night after 14 days of no booze YAY for me. This weekend I really did enter into the danger zone with finding that I had enough cash left over that I could go and buy a box of Cider if I wanted to. Let me explain a bit further. I am basically having to live from pay day to pay day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that I was spending far to much of my income on alcohol each week. Anyway I had booked an appointment at a posh hairdresser to have my hair colored, cut and straightened. This is something that I have never really worried about before and I had no idea how much it would cost and this place was not the sort where they put the prices up for you to see. I had just over $300 left to get me through to my next pay and to cover this appointment so I was to scared to spend any of this money on booze as how embarrassing would it be in a place like that to say oops I don’t have enough to pay you. It would be embarrassing anywhere I know but I was pushing myself out of my comfort zone to go to this sort of place as it was and already felt uncomfortable with my low self esteem. I actually came close so many times to cancelling the appointment and just going to buy my booze BUT I didn’t and I was able to still have enough to pay for my new hairdo. The danger zone came about when I still had $100 spare afterwards, my nerves where right on edge from pushing myself and doing this, so who raised its ugly head?
That’s right that bitch voice alcohol hungry brain. Toot, toot hey you, yeah you why don’t you celebrate and go and buy a box of cider (funny how my voice always talks to me in boxes and not A DRINK don’t you think). Come on we can go and get a box now, it’s Saturday and you have just achieved a milestone, let’s go! I even drove to the damn supermarket to purchase it. I went into the supermarket put some vegetables and fruit into my basket then around to the alcohol aisle. I looked up that aisle and saw people up there studying the different wines and then spotted my box of cider sitting in the chiller section. Oh it looked inviting, I could taste it, I could feel that first mouth full in my mouth, being swallowed and then swigging down my next. Then I could also visualize that leading to me drinking till I fell asleep on the couch, woke up finished drinking whatever was left in the bottle and thinking about another one before dragging my arse off to bed. I could picture waking up the next morning and being busting for a pee and stumbling to the loo. I pictured myself on the loo thinking to myself oh God I feel like crap again, I could feel my high blood pressure pounding through my head and body. I could feel that sinking feeling of shit am I going to have a stroke or heart attack today because it is pumping so high. I could feel the headache and dry mouth, you know I have no idea how long I stood there. I do know that I pissed some people off as they had to maneuver their trollies around me. I thought to myself oh fuck that NO tomorrow is my 14 days sober so close to my goal don’t stop now. And I walked on, I WALKED ON, I wanted to turn back so badly but I didn’t. I got a few extra items and left that supermarket and still have $50 left over.
Hope that didn’t bore you all to much as it has taken me ages to focus and type this. Yep my mind is still wandering, some days it just fucks right off on me I have no idea where it goes maybe to get a rest from the crazy fight it seems to have with itself. Take care everyone, be strong we can do this together, we can, YES WE CAN.