Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.
My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.
I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.
How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment? I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.
Well I had my chat with my friend and now realise just why she is my best friend / sister. I was stupid to think that she would ever just turn her back on me in the first place. She knew that something was wrong and when I explained it all to her I felt so much better. I stumbled a bit trying to explain things to her but got there in the end. Just the fact that I have been open with her and no longer pushing her away because I am ashamed of the thoughts in my head has made it so much better. I don’t have to hide things from her because she is so supportive and it was a great relief. She is an amazing friend and is the sort that can just sense when things aren’t right with me. One of the reasons why I didn’t share with her is that I felt like I was being a drama queen and so full of self pity that I had no right to burden someone else with all my shit. She explained that everyone has the right to their feelings. She was so glad that I came and talked to her about it all but was saddened to think that I was thinking like I have been.
Another great thing that has made me feel better is talking to my boss (who has become more of a friend and is transfering so I thought it was okay to talk to him) and explaining how it felt like I was stuffing up lately and not getting through my work and it was upsetting to me. He came back with “man you set the bar so high for your work standard and I am so hard on myself. He also asked did I realize that I was doing the work load of what other stores have 2-3 people covering? He said that I was amazing and that it wouldn’t take us long to catch it all up if we worked together”. This made me feel so much better as I hadn’t realized this and I was so greatful that we have worked together and by the end of the week we will be right back up to date.
I guess as a round up to this all, never underestimate your friends, if they are true friends they will understand.
Man I am being given some awesome support on here from you beautiful people, thank you so much. We can walk this journey together and if I can help any of you just holla.
Now I do want to point something out to you as some of you super duper people have commented or messaged me that you are only up to day X of being sober this time around. This is not my first time of trying to get off the crazy alcohol powered train!! There have been numerous attempts and even though I am at day 12 now I give total respect to those of you that are up to day 1, 2 , 3 ——– 50000 where ever you are at I salute you. I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS and the fact that you are trying is AWESOME.
I am not the most intelligent person but I am very smart and pretty quick at thinking on my feet. I am also holding down a good job in a Mangament position and work very hard BUT I find the fact that alcohol has such strength over my mind and body frustrating as hell. It has damaged my spirit, self esteem, health, motivation and in return it has given me depression, low self esteem, being over weight etc I think you get the picture and there are many more things I could add to this list.
Shit sorry my mind is wandering again now and I am having trouble staying focused on this topic (people tell me this will pass). My main point of this post is to say you are all beautiful, please feel free to comment anytime and never ever be shy to say I am only at day 1, 2, 3—-50000 whatever or that oh shit I fell off the bus last night this is not a blog made for judging each other but for helping. It is here for people to be honest and themselves, swear if you want your not out in the public mall and have to be careful with what language you use and as far as I know there are no children following this.
Be strong people and help each other.
Well that’s what my brain was yelling at me as I drove past the wholesalers on my way home. Next turn off it’s not to late you can cut down that road and go to the supermarket and grab a box of cider,
I thought the temptation was over until I got my mail and found a letter saying that there is a problem with my wiring in the house and I need to get it seen to ASAP. Oh fuck my life, seriously give me a break how the hell am I going to find the money for that???? Then the little arsehole in my brain steps up in full force. FUCK IT get back in the car and go and get that box, you have had a full on day now this shitty news going and get the box so you can relax and unwind. I am exhausted, upset and sober and hanging on to that last part SOBER, I don’t want to tempt fate by saying “Give it your best shot, you can go to hell, I will not give up because of the shit life can fling at you” but I don’t want to tempt whatever “it is” that I would be saying this too.
Oh well day 9 sober and I am sure it will get better PLEASE. On the good news I have lost .7kg’s that’s more than just your morning poop right??? When I started this I was at 80.6kg’s today I weighed in at 79.9kg’s so that is a positive. Anyways to my followers I love you all in a weird we have never meet but appear to be sharing a common bond sort of way, if your wanting to stay sober with me let’s stay strong together and support each other, Night All, hoping for a better less rough day tomorrow XOXOXO