There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.
It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.
Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.
Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂
Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.
Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.
Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.
Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.
Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.
Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.
Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.
I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.
I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.
I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.
Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.
Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!
Have you ever had people in your life that you think are freakin awesome and you totally think the sun shines out of their butt? But then, after some event or even after a period of time you start to see the mask drop and see them for who they really are? That has happened to me numerous times in my life and I have thought at times is it my own fault for building people up so highly in my mind that I set them up to fail because you just can’t achieve that level of greatness. Well that was a mouthful but shows you how my mind thinks about things like this, let me give you some examples.
The first person in my life that I totally idolized and thought he was the smartest, coolest and protective person, he was my rock and he is my brother. I guess it’s easy to get caught up looking up to your elder siblings but when your own parents love them more and point out how much better they are than you then you know they have to be something special. Anyway long story short there that illusion all came crashing down when he got so messed up with drugs and his life slowly went to shit and our relationship changed forever when he raped me while in a drugged up state. When I say drugged up I still don’t know if he knows he did it or has any recollection of it and I probably never will. This was my first idol that came crashing down.
Then there was my ex whom I honestly would of died for I thought that he was the kindest, supportive and loyal person I could ever of been blessed to find. We had years of total happiness and once again booze and drugs entered into my idol’s life and he turned nasty with them. He was so jealous and possessive the guys around turn learnt quickly not to talk to me when we were out and he was drinking and drugging. I will never forget one poor guy (who’s father was my boss at the time) getting push off a balcony (thankfully one level up) and falling and breaking both arms. Shit I can’t even believe the life I lived now. Eventually it turned into mental torture along with abuse and again rapes, if I didn’t give him what he wanted willingly it was taken. The relationship just went to shit and he would go out partying and not come home for days and when he did it was always abusive. In the end I walked out of a home that we owned together and moved to another city leaving him the lot I just escaped with my mental sanity. Oh he did manage to give me a parting gift in the form of chlamydia which was from one of the one’s he slept with on those nights he didn’t come home. When I moved it turned out he got one of those strays pregnant. Anyway this was my second idol that came crashing down.
Third idol was a lot different she was someone from the animal rescue world and I became very close to her and being the open and honest person I am shared so much of myself with her. I thought that she was this amazing person in the animal rescue world and that she did so much to help the animals and was so intelligent. This illusion has slowly crumbled as I have realized that she is in rescue for the wrong reasons and basically is using her registered charity rescue to provide everything she needs so she doesn’t have to go and get a job. The rescues that she has have basically become pets that the rescue pays for everything for and even the place she is living in is paid for by the rescue. I see people donating money etc and it breaks my heart as the kindest people are often the one’s that can least afford to be. I wish I had facts to back this up but I don’t it’s just one of those things through comments and actions you think “fuck me your a con artist who knows how to get what you want”. Third idol crashing and burning.
I know that none of these are my fault from building them up so highly but it really does make you weary of thinking to highly of people. When you build someone up so much and you love them so deeply it hurts like hell when you find out they are not who you thought they were. Or are they and it just took a while for their masks to drop??
Living life sober, raw & real has opened my eyes to a lot of things and one of those things is gut instinct. I really do think my gut instinct was living numb along with the rest of me and had it of been allowed to react I am pretty sure the warning signals would of been ringing a lot earlier. Living life drunk there was probably a bloody fire alarm going off in my gut but I just doused it down with more booze. Sobriety and everything that comes with it is a blessing.
I watched the new Brene Brown show on Netflix the other day and I love her words of wisdom so much. There was so much that stood out to me and one of the things that she said made so much sense to me. I think we have all been guilty of saying at some time that we couldn’t give a shit what others think and Brene said that this is just not a realistic statement because we are actually hard wired to give a shit. BUT and here is the but we should be selective in who’s opinion we take notice of. This is so true and something I try to focus on. There are a few people who’s opinion really does matter to me and that is my parents (although as I age I do have some opinions on things that doesn’t match with theirs) and my Soul Sisters. Basically it is people who I love and who I know love me and have my best interests at heart. So rather than saying I couldn’t give a shit what others think about me or what I do I think it is nice that I have some people in my life who’s opinions I value enough to give a shit about.
Living life sober, raw and real takes it to a whole new level and it is freakin awesome.
Today is one of those days when I’m feeling lonely, there are people around but it’s not the people that I want around. I am missing my girlfriends and tonight they are feeling so far away. They are busy with family and friends and I understand and am trying to leave them alone as I know that they need to spend time with them. It’s not even a case of I’m jealous of their friends and family or upset that they are so busy because I really do understand. But I am missing them something terrible right now.
Today I had a friend attempt to take her life and that sucks, this is not the first time sadly and I doubt it will be the last time. You can’t help but wonder how many times are we going too be so blessed and lucky but there might be just that one time and it actually happens. Tonight she is in hospital and the Police and mental health team are working together to help her. This will be with her family and friends but today was really scary as hell. To see a friend post thanking everyone of her friends and family for all their support and trying to help her and then telling the ones who gave up on her to go fuck themselves was so hard. She even went so far as to tell everyone to please make sure her animals are looked after and that X will know which ones can’t be separated. Oh and please use everything she leaves behind to go towards the care and welfare of her animals. She apologized for not having the strength or energy to fight anymore and said goodbye. The scary part was that she lives in the county and this was the start of a long weekend. We had messages flying and calls to the police happening and it was a race for who could get there first. The bloody traffic was horrendous because of everyone starting to go on holiday so there was delays for everyone. Tell you what next time I am in traffic and someone impatient is trying to get somewhere in a hurry I will be letting them through because you don’t know it could be a case just like this. It ended up with about 20 people at her home and she wasn’t there!!!!
The alert when out through the Police and thank god she was found in a town about 2 hours away. We have no idea why she was there and don’t even know if she knows why, maybe she was driving to end it all so we couldn’t find her and stop her. The Police got to her in time and she was transported to a hospital an hour away. It was a bloody long wait waiting to see if she had survived getting there and also while they treated her. I cannot explain the relief I felt to know that she was doing okay tonight and they will update us all more in the morning.
Couple of things here on what has happened, mental health problems don’t just go away. The absolute worst thing someone can say to a person in the depths of depression is that they only attempt suicide to get attention. Government departments need training on how to deal with suicidal people and when they are told they are suicidal to leave them the fuck alone and maybe show some compassion and get a welfare check done on them instead of cutting off their benefit because they haven’t completed all the necessary forms. She is not capable of concentrating long enough to complete your fucken forms. You treated her as if she had a choice and was just putting this all on. Do you seriously think a smart and talented lady like her wants to live and be like this???? She doesn’t she is living in hell and can’t even read a book because she can’t concentrate. Do you think she wanted to go from running her own successful business to living on the sickness benefit??? Far out people learn compassion and empathy and learn that people are not just a number on their file.
Tonight I hope she is sleeping peacefully and getting some rest because after today I would say she hasn’t been for some time again this time around.
Living life sober, raw & real is allowing me to feel it all but also to be totally present for those I love. I am sad that I didn’t see this attempt coming but that is the thing with depression & anxiety & desperation the suffers can portray that they are happy and busy so you leave them alone. You stop checking in each day because you think they want to stand on their own but inside they are a mess. I am so sorry my friend that you reached this point again, I can’t stop the rain but I will stand in it while holding the umbrella over you for as long as you need.