Category Archives: Enjoying the sober me

Thank You My Soul Sisters

Now I’m not stupid as in I know that I am an alcoholic and that doesn’t just go away because I am not drinking and I know how easy it is for the wheels to fall off the wagon and end up back at that horrible day one again.

I have no intention of ending up back there but nor did I the other times I did either, but that’s not what I am focusing on here. One of the better ways to avoid that happening again is by building what I call a sobriety tool kit. I am the most important part of that tool box because this is something I can either make work or I can fuck it up it’s that simple. But with the help of the other tools the chances of that not happening are much better.

Apart from myself my biggest and most treasured tool is my Soul Sisters, they are the biggest blessings that I have been given. Is it bad that I have in the back of my mind that if something goes wrong with my Soul Sisters it could be dangerous because I love them so much and it would hurt like a bitch? I hate that part of me, I treasure the best parts but weigh up the bad possibilities as well. I think that if you care deeply for people there is always going to be bits that hurt and that is just a fact of life.

My Soul Sisters love me, support me, are there for me if I really needed them each in their own way. They are also great at being honest with me and they all have different strengths that they bring to the relationship. I really just wanted to put down here how much I love them and the fact is if I had not let them into my life in the last year (and them let me into theirs) that I don’t believe I would of been able to fight as hard. There is a very real possibility with my alcoholism that I would of gone back to drinking. With my drinking I would of slipped back into depression and suicidal thoughts would of been a part of my life again. Because of the fight I have had and the wonderful choosen sisters I have I am a much better and stronger person.

I LOVE being sober, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are more often than the bad now. Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it.

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Living Sober You Notice The Little Things

I’m having one of those OMG I feel so freakin blessed because I am living life sober moments in my life. I am so happy that I am sober but this is one of those I’m feeling like something is shining down on me sort of moments. But it’s not because of anything huge but because of all the little things that I am noticing and because of all the little things that are possible because I am sober and well dare I say it awake. There is a difference between sober awake and living life drinking as an alcoholic sober! Let me explain the little things from the last few days that are making me feel this way.

On Friday I had the day off work as I was going to get my hair done, oh let me tell you something not related to feeling good about my hair (sorry just a little side track). All of a sudden it has taken on this weird life of it’s on and it gets greasy by lunch time up the top and the hair has actually got thicker!!! Fuck it pisses me off because I am the type of girl that has to wash her hair everyday and shower at least once a day because my OCD HATES being dirty so the fact my hair looks dirty is a big deal to me. Anyway it turns out it is part of menopause along with that old hair on my chinny chin chin, FUCK YOU menopause you little bitch! Should be grateful I’m still alive to be going through it but I’m still allowed to have feelings about shit like that lol.

Anyway that was off topic I put on a load of washing and the bloody machine stopped working and came up with an error code. Damnit I think let’s see if we can sort this out ourselves. I slipped on my big girl panties (in my mind only) and got out the owner manual and then checked the outlet hose for blockages. Nope didn’t work so tried the old unplug from the wall and let it reset itself for a bit. Hmm nope that didn’t work either running out of time so had to leave it with the load of washing sitting in there grrrrr. Off to have my hair done (and discuss what we could do about the bloody greasy hair).

After the hair dresser I went to the SPCA to discuss my wanting to become an Animal Welfare Investigator and talked with people already doing the role. I came out of there so excited and happy in the feeling that this really is the right career path for me! There is no way I would be looking at exciting new career options nor realised how soul killing my current position is if I had still been drinking so thank you sober life!

Back home and back to the bloody washing machine. Normally by now in my drinking days I would be having a melt down and all upset like a big cry baby. I probably would of cracked open a bottle to calm myself while I tried to figure out what was wrong, then given up and just got stuck in drinking. Not the sober me, oh shit no that bloody machine was not going to beat me and besides I can’t afford to pay a service agent if I don’t have to thank you very much. Guess what???? That’s right sober me figured it out calmly and by using processes of elimination!! It was a wad of my hair mixed with normal washing machine lint (who knew it could be so strong when there is a build up of it!!! Oh and by the way losing your hair is another part some females go through with menopause, like a really bad molt from winter to summer coat! The wad of hair was enough to stop the water pump from spinning and once a pulled that out I was able to spin the pump again. Plug it in, fire it up and wait and see……….. YUS it worked!!! Now did I mention that if I had NOT been living the sober life I wouldn’t of had the patience to figure this out??? Will blow my own trumpet and say pretty bloody happy with myself at this point!!!!

This weekend I have emailed to find more information about requirements for a grant I want to apply for university fees for the required course for Animal Welfare Investigator. Have told my Team Leaders on the volunteer work I do that I will be spending time with the ladies from the SPCA learning all I can off them for the role. Oh and I told them all that I was an alcoholic just as a side note and explained that the cloud has lifted and I need to do this for me. Hmmm what else oh I have lost 3kg’s since being on my diet and increasing my exercise.

Really it just feels like a huge cloud that had been blocking my view has lifted and for the first time I can see a opportunity for myself to start a new and exciting life. Have I mentioned that living life sober, raw and real, feeling the good with the bad is fucken awesome????

Animal Welfare Investigator

Okay so I’ll be honest here if I had thought a year ago that I would be pursuing a job which would involve me having to wear a stab proof vest I would of said bullshit. But here I am taking steps towards being an Animal Welfare Investigator. Sadly now a days they have to wear these vests as it’s a sign of the time with the sort of people they often deal with and also with the amount of methamphetamine around things can escalate fast.

Following on from the other day were I really think I have figured out what I wanted to do I have been looking more into it. The course that I would need to take can be done via correspondence with three week long sessions I would have to attend. The course fees are $6,000 which I don’t have and will have to find unless I can get a scholarship. On top of the course fees will be my text books etc and finding accommodation for while I’m on the course although I am pretty sure I can stay with a friend to save some money there. At the end of the course and when I get my first job I will become an officer and basically be able to do the same things as the police except being able to arrest people. I would be able to detain and wait for the police to come and arrest but I could execute search warrants and break into vehicles etc just to name a few things if it is all part of the investigation into the welfare of animals. Pretty funny that you can become a Police officer after 3 months training but to become an Animal Welfare Investigator you need to study for a year first.

I went and talked to the local Animal Welfare Officers in my area and it went really well. They love the fact I want to become one of them and said that best way to see if this is 100% what I want to do I can come and hang out with them and attend jobs, work with the animals logging records etc as part of their requirements for court cases when charging the person/s responsible for the abuse or neglect. They did show me some of the recent cases they are working on and they are heart breaking. I really felt that they were showing them to me to see my reaction. It didn’t upset me as such more just pissed me off that people had done this to them. It was also incredibly sad for the animals involved and silently I was swearing to myself that I will be working for animals just like them and trying to ensure that people are held accountable.

So where to from here?? Well I have to work out my volunteering role that I currently have so that I can spend at least a day a week with them. this will give me more experience and help me to learn so much. You don’t just automatically get accepted in so this will put me in a better position. It will also give me time to save so that hopefully I get accepted into the course next year. If I get in I will still have my current job and will have to keep working full time to pay the bills with my loan, living expenses and the house etc, etc. So this year get experience under my belt and next year do the course. It sucks that I might have another couple of years of my current job but it doesn’t matter when it is providing me the way to reach my goal.

Thank you sobriety if I hadn’t of invited you into my life I wouldn’t of had my dream in front of me just waiting for me to grab it. Living life sober, raw and real rocks, yep you feel the bad but you can feel the good and you can dream of a better way and make plans to move ahead.

Emotionally Draining

This morning started in my favorite way by getting up at 5.30am and walking my two little heart beats (my dogs) at sunrise. I am finding that this is absolutely my favorite time of the time, the air is still, the slow increasing glow of the rising sun, the peaceful stillness of the neighborhood and 2 happy dogs in front of me, just bliss. Oh and we meet up with our new friend the elderly dog named Boss. He is so lovely and he gets so excited when he see’s us, of cause when he comes over the dogs all do what dogs do and have their rounds of butt sniffing as they do. Seriously gross and thank goodness it’s only a dog thing! But the whole time their tails and all wagging it’s so precious. By the time it was time to go to work I was in such a good mood and everything just felt right in the world.

I sigh even as I write the next part, this all changed when I started my working day. Most of the staff aren’t happy and they really seem to feed off each other with the negativity of it all. It makes it so hard to stay all happy, happy, joy, joy with that sort of atmosphere around you. There is also a lot of back stabbing going on which is horrible as well so I stay out of it all and just work. I kept saying to myself that I will not let them all ruin my beautiful mood and that worked until about lunch time and then I just started to fold. I found myself thinking it’s lonely being the odd one out that doesn’t want to get involved but I would rather be lonely then join in negative chat and have it slowly erode away any happiness I get in knowing that I actually do a bloody good job.

But I really do want to get out of there some how but wish I could figure out how. I am sick and tired of being in that negative environment. My job no longer challenges me, it was challenging enough doing it hung over when I was drinking and so routine that I didn’t need to think about it. I really feel like it is slowly killing my soul, I want to be helping animals, helping people, making a difference not just making more and more money for corporate bosses.

Living life sober, raw & real is the bestest as it is allowing me to see and feel. Without this awakened senses I wouldn’t be noticing stuff like this I would still be just turning up a functioning alcoholic.

A place to just be…….

This image is MY spot when I am feeling stressed, over whelmed, confused, fucked off, lonely, sad, angry etc, etc, etc. I seriously can’t sit up there (any yep I sit up there with my legs fully crossed, arms resting on my legs, straight back) and not find my calm. It is surrounded by bush and you can smell the bush, hear the bird song and the occasional other animal calling. You can hear other people sometimes if they are being loud, like the big mouth loud person that was way down the bottom sitting outside the cafe but after a while of me just sitting and just being I don’t even hear them.

I am very slowly learning the art of meditation, when I say slowly I seriously have the concentration span of a Chimpanzee (they have a 20 second attention span by the way). I often sit there and go breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat. I get to doing this about 3 times and then think hmm do I need to stop and get something anything for dinner???? Holy shit STOP IT, stop thinking, breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat then wonder what I will find waiting for me at work tomorrow, STOP IT!!!! okay, okay I can do this start again……. you know when that friend said that, I wonder what they meant because I took it this way but it could also mean that way, STOP IT fucken hell your getting ridiculous now!!! Okay I can do this, let’s start again ……………… no, no don’t start thinking, let it go……………….I can manage a minute or two and even that feels surprisingly good. Hey when I first started it was a miracle if I got to 30 seconds without giving up.

This bush is at an old quarry site and also has the most amazing tropical garden, this is my go to place when I need to escape or if I have things that I am struggling with and my busy mind is twisting it. This place slows it all down and lets me think (or not think when I do the above) in a much more relaxed state.

Guess what????? I probably never would of found this place NOR bothered to visit it had I still been drinking. Yet another pure pleasure I have from living life sober, raw & real, God I love being sober.

Sober Life Rocks

Okay in my posts along with musing about this and that and releasing messed up things out of my mind you will also see how much better life is living it raw and real 100% sober. Sleep is better, anxiety levels are better, depression is better, blood pressure is better, errrrr toilet visits are better (if your a hard drinker you will know what I’m on about), relationships are better, your judgement is better, your reliability is better and the list just goes on. But some days I often just notice the small things and this morning was one of those times.

This morning I woke up early (for a weekend) and thought about either rolling back over and going back to sleep or reading a book for a while. But then I thought nah, let’s get up have a shower and take the dogs for a walk while it is still cool. The temperatures are so freakin hot and the humidity is off the scale so it doesn’t take to long into the morning for it to simply be to hot to walk them. It was lovely and cool when we left and everything was so peaceful with the majority of houses in the neighborhood still all closed up and curtains pulled. I live in a beautiful area that has plenty of trees both on the sidewalks and on peoples properties. Through the trees I actually noticed the sky and it was beautiful with pink all through the clouds. The air was fresh, cool and there was a gentle breeze. The dogs wiggly butts in front of me never fails to make me smile and they often pause to stop and sniff. They will often stop sniffing and look at me with pure joy on their faces before they trot on to the next smell. See no matter what time I take my dogs for a walk it is their walk so they can stop and sniff as much as they want. To interupt a dog sniffing is like someone coming along when you are in the middle of a good part in a book and just closing the book on you. There was a lady out jogging with her very elderly dog who asked if it would be okay if he got to say hi to mine. She was lovely and explained how her dog was her life and that even though he was old he still managed to jog 10 kilometers each day. What a lovely old chap he was and his Mum glowing with love for him made my morning even better. The whole walk was just peaceful and I made a conscious effort to just stay in the moment. By the time we got near home I could feel the heat starting to rise and it was just perfect.

If I had of still been drinking there is no way in hell I would be up early in the morning on a weekend. I would of hit the bottle hard telling myself I deserved it after such a hard week at work AND to celebrate it being Friday. I would of stayed in bed later after having had a crappy nights sleep and feeling cloudy head and depending on the level of my drinking feeling ill. I totally would of missed spending that precious time with my dogs out walking enjoying life because by the time I would of got up it would of been far to hot to go anywhere.

This post might seem boring but to me it is a reminder of just how much better life is and that it’s the little things that make it just so bloody worth it. Living life sober, raw & real is 100% a better life for me.

Getting Excited Now

I don’t know why but this time around sober I am excited that my one year anniversary. It’s less than a month away now and I’ve never bothered to celebrate it previously in my sober journeys (yep this is not the first time around for me, nor the second etc) but this time around I feel totally different about being sober than I have every other time. Having never celebrated it previously makes doing it this time seem even more important to me.

So today I ordered a new charm for my bracelet and it’s super cute and inside it says “Be Yourself” and that for me is how I want to be forever. I want to be my authentic self, not what someone else wants me to be, not what I think I should be for people, just being ME. Around my friends I want to be myself and not worry that I am to much for them (I love hard and I’m not afraid to show it). I don’t want to have to worry about sounding dumb or that my opinion doesn’t count because I am smarter than I give myself credit for and if I have an opinion then it must count.

I’m also trying to get together with a couple of girlfriends for something like a celebration lunch and would be so excited if we manage it. Hopefully they are both in the country at the same time and we can work around everyone’s work commitments. Anna!!!! I wish you were here so you could come and complete my Soul Sister Tribe ❤

I think previously I have been rather blase about my sober journey and I think, well actually I know that it was because I was always giving myself the option to drink again at anytime like it didn’t matter.

Living life sober, raw & real is the best gift I have given myself BUT it is also the gift I must never take for granted and always realize the importance of staying on this sober journey.