Well I’m still exhausted and everything feels like an effort and heavy and even my eyeballs are tired! I don’t know if the emotional ride I just gave myself was so intense that it zap any energy I had or if I’m not well at the moment. You know those moments when you are so tired you feel like you’ve got the flu because your body aches? Well that’s how I feel right now but and this is a huge BUT I feel so calm. What I would love is to take off in a camper van with my dogs and just travel and stop where I want and just cruise and enjoy the break. I want to wake up without the aid of an alarm and if I had a choice to the sound of waves crashing on the beach. Get up and walk the dogs on the beach and come back to the van and enjoy a morning coffee and breakfast with them and to just sit and enjoy. No need to hurry so I can get to work on time. No difference between a week day and a weekend. Explore the walks and sights of different places, enjoy my own company and just enjoy moments of peace. I don’t want to be around other people at the moment. I want to be able to meditate at any moment I feel the urge. I want to relax on the bed of the camper van with a good book and the dogs by my side. I don’t even want my phone or computer I want to go internet free. I just want to be me and have no schedules just take it as it comes. Even going to bed at sunset and getting up to see the sunrise just sounds like heaven.
But then reality sets in and instead I know tomorrow I have to prepare for a hard work week ahead with early starts and full days. I also have no money to go anywhere with and I have bills that need to be paid. Treatment for my dog needs to be paid for and regular vet appointments meet. I don’t own a van and it’s not safe anymore for a female to travel and sleep in vehicles alone. Ahhhh but I can dream can’t I and even though I can’t do all of these things it’s okay because I am still smiling as I type this. Even having this dream but having to face the reality of my life is so much better and blessed than what so many have, I am lucky. One day the debt will be paid, at the very least I will have vacation time and even a week or two away with my dogs will be freakin heaven.
Living life sober, raw and real is such a blessing and I really can’t see myself bothering to ever drink again. I just can see the point of wasting money but more importantly wasting my time on it when I have so much to do and see and I want to do it 100% sober.
Well this week the eating healthy and exercising started well but obviously I don’t have great control when things get to emotional and it all started to go to shit half way through the week. I haven’t been sleeping well and between that and thinking out some of my emotional baggage I was exhausted. So emotional & tired while processing was enough for me and I stopped exercising (apart from walking my dogs) and I turned to chocolate, ice cream and basically over eating. I’m sad that it got derailed because I was doing so well but I am not disappointed in myself at all. I seriously think I made the right choice to focus on processing the mental side of things this week. Now I feel tired but I also feel like it has really helped, I am at peace with it now and excited to move on from here.
Balance and acceptance while not pushing myself to far and hard is something I can now see is very important. I think the lesson learned here is important in all aspects of my life, emotions, physical health, finances well basically anything.
Living life sober, raw and real is so awesome. I am allowing myself to feel the good, the bad, the happy, the sad and face things head on and actually deal with them. Sorting things out in your mind and finding away to process them and have skills to cope with them from now on are vital. I am proud of how I processed them but I am also very aware that I no longer want to dwell on things for to long. If I can’t process and work them through in a healthy time frame I will be seeking the help of a therapist again.
I really enjoyed my weekend just gone and the main reason was that I found total peace in it again. I just had the best peaceful, drama free, relax with doggies, walks in my favorite places sort of weekend. It was just a basic weekend, nothing special but everything special all in one. It was so relaxed and the peaceful calm feeling made it feel so special.
On the Saturday I woke early, hang over free like I have every morning for oh the last 18 months or so but this morning I thought how blessed am I not to be a prison of my own doing anymore. I got up and took my 2 dogs for the must relaxed walk around our local streets. It always makes my heart sing just watching them and seeing how much they enjoy just getting out for a walk. They honestly sniff everything including the flowers, they pee on what they want and carry on and the parts they can’t be bothered with they just trot on, we can learn a lot from animals. Come home hang some washing in the dryer, that’s right we have 4 seasons in one day here at the moment and hanging it out only gives it extra rinses. Breakfast for me and the dogs and then a couple of hours doing my volunteer work. Dad popped around for a visit so we chatted for a while about nothing and everything as you do in chit chat but the thing that blew me away at the end of it was him stopping to tell me how proud he was of me (well me and my brother but this is about me) and how he is so blown away by the amount of kindness and giving I do for others man and animals. There was even tears in his eyes as he said it, it was almost awkward because he really doesn’t express himself like that. I was a bit taken back but we just kept chatting. Next a walk around my favorite tropical garden, I go there often because it really does change so often with different flowers appearing all the time. While there I went and sat in my meditation spot, I sat there in total peace thinking about the posts I have been doing lately. I didn’t start sobbing or bawling but I did sit there as tears just rolled down my face. It was so freeing as I just let go. Back home and walk my dogs again then dinner and back into my volunteer work.
Sunday started the same, hang over free, walk the dogs, breakfast, volunteer work and then off for a walk around our cities river. The great thing was that it was gently raining so there wasn’t many people about at all. I had on the best tunes and for an hour and half I just walked around the whole track and took photos of beautiful things I saw on my way. The music the scenery and just the inner peace made it the most pleasant walk. I came home and did some more volunteering and then did the housework I had been putting off so I could be ready for my work week.
Living sober, raw & real is my choice and I have no regrets instead I am so blessed. All of the above seems so simple and probably so boring to some but for me all I could do this weekend was think how lucky I am to be living a sober life. This simple peaceful weekend would never of happened had I been drinking, I would of been to hung over, struggling to take the dogs for a walk let alone anything else. Come the afternoon I would of been counting down to drinks time and drank until I passed out again. That sort of life is total bullshit and it really is living like a prisoner but now I’m free even the basic is peaceful and enjoyable.
Today is my 18 months soberversary and to be honest it feels a bit flat which is such a rip off. It’s not the anniversaries fault rather what I have been through over the last week that has sucked the life out of me and there is actually fuck all energy left to get excited with. As I type this I am starting to feel a sense of growing pride inside at the thought that I have made it to this point and would have to say that this last week has been such a tough week. I have survived it without drinking to numb everything, without drinking to take a break from everything and stopping the over thinking. In light of it all I think this really is the appropriate time to list 18 things that have improved since I have given up drinking.
Sleep – As long as I am not worrying about anything or my body giving me pain I can sleep like a baby once I fall asleep.
Mornings – I freakin love mornings especially waking up with a clear head after a great sleep.
Walking My Dogs – Previously I would of been thinking either I’m hung over from the night before so we will just skip the walk this morning OR hurry up so we can get home and I can crack open a bottle.
Showers – OMGosh I love long showers and standing there just feeling the sensation of the water on my body WITHOUT the nausea I used to stand there feeling while my body had the shakes.
Breakfast – Not only do I have a cup of coffee now but I also have a bowl of cereal because I can as there is no nausea.
GROSS ALERT Pooping – No I don’t love pooping but I love how my toilet habits are now regular and normal. I think true alcoholics will understand how this normal thing is not to be taken for granted now.
Driving – While drinking there was countless times when I would be driving to work and wondering if I would still be over if I got breath tested.
Working – My job is not my dream job but I am still blessed to have it AND it is so much easier doing it and adding to my tasks without having to cope with a foggy brain and body from the night before.
Home Made Lunches – I love that in the mornings now I have time and the will to make my own lunches and they are healthy lunches.
Being Able To Drive Home Past The Liquor Outlets – In my first few months of going sober it was horrible as there was no way for me to drive home without going past at least one liquor outlet and my alcoholic brain would be screaming out to me to stop and go and buy some booze.
Not Arguing With MYSELF – That’s right I no longer argue with myself, my mind used to be it’s own worst enemy and we would often argue with you deserve a drink, no you don’t because you don’t want to drink, you have had a hard day you deserve a drink just tonight, no you don’t because if you really want to treat yourself don’t drink and you won’t be full of regret tomorrow. Get the idea it was a never ending battle with my alcoholic brain.
Reality – This one is debatable but in my sober journey I have had to face up (and still am noticing some things) to things that have ended up fucked up by myself in my life while living the 20 years as an alcoholic. The difference is now I am facing up and I am either dealing with or figuring out how to deal with them so things can only get better from here.
Movies & TV – It would not be possible to count the amount of programs and movies I “watched” while drinking that I would not be able to tell you what the hell was happening in them. You really don’t take in anything of what is happening nor can you keep up and when you pass out you wake up and it can some times take a bit to realize you are now watching a totally different bloody program. Now there is so many good and interesting things I can watch including the one’s I “watched” (not really) previously.
The Results Of Therapy – I have enjoyed going into therapy and finding out that I am not as screwed up as I thought I was.
Goals – I never set goals before and nor did I have the desire to do so.
So Much To Look Forward To – I actually have to slow myself down and have to sort out what I want to do first. I have realized that there is just so much I am capable of doing and so much fun and enjoyment to be have in this life. I am no longing just turning up for life I am now wanting to live it.
Doing Things I Never Thought Possible – Skydiving comes to mind when I type this, there is no way in hell that I would of even thought about doing this as a fundraiser for the animals. But sober me said oh hell yeah I can do that and not only did I do it I went another 3,000 feet higher than what people sponsored me to do.
ME – Last but not least ME I have improved since giving up drinking. Me as a person and me as a whole. I think it is so easy to keep pushing and wanting to improve things be a better person, be healthier, work on being over weight, work on getting fitter but this anniversary I just look back to how I was 18 months ago and I have already come a very, very long way on the road to improvement.
Living life sober, raw & real is my gift to myself. I choose to live this way there is no one making me do it nor telling me I have to do it I am doing it because I knew that I had to for me.
I think I want to focus on my own contentment more, I want to focus more on the many blessings that I already have in my life. I have so many and also think I have missed some important achievements that I have done over the last 18 months of sobriety. It’s to late now as I am TRYING to get to bed earlier each night and see how I feel doing that but I am committing to a week of contentment posts 🙂 In 7 posts I don’t think I will have any trouble at all finding topics each night.
Actually lets quickly start tonight with an item on contentment. I am so happy that I am living a sober life and not only am I content to be this way but it’s a huge blessing. The clarity that comes with living without booze is incredible and totally missed while you are drinking. I used come up with so many excuses so I could keep drinking but what I should of been doing is finding the many reasons why not drinking is so much better.
I was interested to see some comments the other day on one of my posts about how our relationships change with our friends once we stop drinking. It certainly did for me and it was really a combination of me and them that brought about that change. Previously we would get together and we would all drink and socialize but I wouldn’t stop there I would always have or get more booze so that I could keep going when I got home. While drinking with my friends I would be one of those people that was always a friendly drunk but I was a funny drunk as well and we would always have a good time. My next level after being funny was just being quiet and doing what is still one of my favorite hobbies of people watching. Once I turned sober I started avoiding situations that would put me around alcohol so stopped socializing with my friends. We did meet up a few times but funny enough we didn’t relax and I wasn’t as funny and entertaining for them. Truth be known I am funny and in fact I was funnier and actually made sense but I don’t think that is the type of entertainment my friends wanted. Not sure how to explain it but we just had a hang out, relax, have some fun and drink nights nothing heavy and certainly nothing bonding like the amazing friendships I have now. Now that I am happily sober I can be around alcohol and it doesn’t bother me, if anything watching the effect I see it have on people the more I hate it. But I have tried hanging with these friends and I get bored out of my tree. They talk shit and get drunk and there is so much more I would rather be doing. I still consider these people friends but our lives are on different paths now and I have decided to take a different path to them now.
I’m sure most of you would of read previously how freakin amazing my Soul Sisters are and just how great our relationships are. We lift each other up and support each other and also encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves. We accept and love each other for just who we are, no fakeness, no bullshit. We have very indepth and interesting conversations and I love it. Seriously life is just so much better without alcohol in it and I am much happier and comfortable without anxiety to sit around and drink coffee now a days. Once done I am still able to do what ever I want and I don’t waste time the next morning getting over a night out.
Living life sober, raw & real is my life and I am damn happy about that.
The other weekend I stepped right out of my comfort zone and did something that I am now very proud of. You know what my biggest fear wasn’t the fact that I was going skydiving for the first time (16,000 feet thank you) but my biggest fear was built up by my own mind. I was more worried about the fact that the handsome young man that I tandem dived with was disgusted by this older, fat, plain jane lady and disappointed that he didn’t get paired with one of the young and very pretty girls that were there. I was worried about how I looked in the overalls than I was about jumping out of a freakin aeroplane. What a dumbarse!!! In my mind I could hear my mothers comments as I was growing up about she’s not the pretty one, pity she is so chubby and her brother is so thin it should be the other way around. I could hear my ex saying I was nothing but fat and useless and how no one else will ever want me. I could hear my ex telling me no wonder he strayed with how I looked. Now this isn’t a pity party BECAUSE this has all made me realise that had I let these things totally over ride my mind and I just withdrew into myself and turned around and drove home again I really would of missed out on an amazing day.
I honestly think it was unfair of me to think that the handsome young man I was paired with was thinking that. He was lovely and a great partner to do my first jump with. For all I know he was thinking I was freakin awesome at my age to be doing the jump. He might of been thinking I was an amazing person jumping for the cause that I was doing it for. Who knows but it was very unfair of me to think that he was thinking like that. As for my mother I know that what she used to say is very much linked to the way her mother would talk to her all the time, it was horrible and so mean she was never good enough. I don’t know why she couldn’t see how hurtful it was and to turn around and do it to another person but that is sadly her burden to carry. My ex well with him it would of been his drugs, alcohol and guilt talking all rolled up into one.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only way I want to live from now on. And that day has taught me a very important lesson, don’t let your own self esteem hold you back. Give it a go, do it and live life to the full. If I let it hold me back I really am going to be missing out on so much. I really have to stop my over active imagination and building up what I think people are thinking about me. Truth is if they are at all like me they are busy with their own over active imaginations or even thinking hmmm what should I cook for dinner 🙂
I don’t have the time to come on here as much as I used to nor as much as I want to anymore. I think I do my best thinking first thing in the morning and often have moments of pure brilliance and come up with such wisdom but com evening and time to write on here gone, nothing, blank. I was thinking what should I write more about on here as there seems to be a few and I bounce all over the place, alcoholic, rape, debt, goals, diet, fitness, exercise ummm what else vulnerability, friends, family, therapy etc, etc, etc. But I have decided to just keep being me and what ever is passing through my mind at the time that is what I will write about. This blog is to get things out of my mind and if it helps others that is a bonus. If anyone has questions they want to ask I’m a pretty direct person and will answer. Oh if there is something that anyone would like me to write about further please feel free to ask that as well.
Writing that has made me realize that I am much more settled in my mind, previously my mind was all over the place and depression and self loath was at a very high and dangerous level. Now at almost 500 days sober I get on here and think I have nothing, nothing I have the energy to write about. Previously there would of been many, many negative thoughts in a day and picking a subject was easy but not now. Don’t get me wrong I still have negative thoughts and still beat myself up but I am getting so much better. Thank God I am living a sober life and my mental health is improving so much. There is depression but I think I would call it more sadness and no bloody wonder with what has been brought out of the suitcases in my mind. I still struggle with self love but I do not have self hate anymore. It has been a very long time since a have had suicidal thoughts in fact now I want to live. I have so much to be grateful for and I have so much to offer towards good in this world.
Living life sober, raw and real…………….. yep it is SO much better. I never, ever want to go back to that way of living again because it’s not living it is just turning up everyday and I was miserable.
I just wrote and deleted a whole paragraph as I realized that I was telling something that was not my business to tell so am going to try to reword it. Today I witness one of the side effects of living the life of an alcoholic and how much damage it can do to one family. An associate lost her job today because she could not stop drinking during work hours. She was already living a crappy hard life and I am sure that tonight she will be broken in more ways than one. The thing is I could see parts of me in her at times and it was hard to witness. I know enough of her story to know that she is an alcoholic and that she was doing it to numb out her shitty life. Sadly now because of her drinking problems her life just got even worse.
Living life sober, raw and real is the only life I want now and tonight I am counting my blessings that I am doing exactly that. How I didn’t end up losing my job I’ll never know as there was a few years when I am sure people would of been able to smell the booze on me and that I would of still been drunk while at work. What a huge blessing I have been given in my sobriety to start all over again and to embrace every moment.