Tag Archives: Advice

It’s Been Way To Long Since I Posted Here

Just wanted to give you all a quick catch up I am STILL sober and will stay that way. I still suffer from bouts of depression but am now aware enough to realize that I would be feeling this way with or without alcohol. But the depression cloud does not hang over me so heavy when I no longer have to work through hangovers. I enjoy just living in the moment as much as it was great to numb things that I wasn’t enjoying in my life it is easier to deal with them and move on without the alcohol. Booze certainly numbed it but guess what the problem was still there it didn’t go away I still had to deal with it and now I can move on quicker.

For those of you that are just starting a sober journey I wish you the best of luck and my advice for you is do what feels right for you in your sober journey. If AA is for you do it, if AA doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. If the book or if you are in a country with meetings Rational Recovery works for you then do it, if Rational Recovery doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. I could go on with all the different things that have worked for different people and I think you are seeing the key here DO WHAT IS GOING TO WORK FOR YOU!!! But do try things and keep trying until you do find the right thing for you. If you follow these sober blogs on here do encourage each other as it can be extremely lonely world being sober on your own when you are used to a world of drinking.

Well I have enjoyed posting this and sharing my wisdom (for what it was worth) with you all. I really, really hope it helps someone, anyone or even everybody that takes time to read this. Don’t give up, do believe in yourself and if you trip and fall (do use what ever you are addicted to) please pick yourself up and start again until you succeed.

One thing I do want to do is to thank the people on here that I either followed, had follow me, commented on my posts, shared my posts and encouraged me. You have all made a huge difference in my life and I don’t think I would of survived some of the darkest moments without you all xxxxxx – Love, Peace and Energy to You with the biggest hug of thanks I can send.

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Why am I so freakin angry and bitter most of the time!

OMGosh I can be such a bitch with a sarcastic tongue  that has a venom that slaps out. Sometimes I am shocked myself by the level of my inner bitterness. I have a side that can be so loving and compassionate and yet another side that is so angry it is like living with Jekyl and Hyde. I am working so hard on trying to tame the inner bitch but it just comes out and bitch slaps me so hard. I can feel it coming with a grumpiness that starts to boil over into just being a bitch.

I know my trigger and it is drugs and alcohol. I have become this person that has no tolerance for people that participate in either and become very judgmental of them for their choices. I am pissed with my brother for still taking drugs and I am tense when around him while he is drinking. I am pissed with the person who is selling him the drugs and suspect that it is a person at our work who is selling it to him (yes we currently live together but we also work together, not healthy). I am pissed with the ones that are uses at work as if they have had an evening together they really do have a I can’t  be fucked day at work. You would think that my boss would be unhappy with this but he also partakes in this behavior. Out of my 4 bosses that I have had in the past 12 years 2 of them have been drug takers and one was without doubt an alcoholic.

Anyway focusing back on the problem I hate my inner bitchiness and that sarcasm that comes with it. Why the hell can’t I just relax and let people live their lives the way they want to and not be such a judgmental cow? If there is a part of our character that we hate why is it so hard to just stop it? It is so rude and also it is tiring wasting my energy judging others and being shitty.

Still sober and I’m super happy about that.

Well my brother has been living with me coming up a month now and I thought it would be really hard to have him around with his drinking. What I didn’t count on was his drinking and his smoking dope around me also. But you know what I was worried that it would make me want to drink and that I would fold and end up joining him every night for a drinking session. Instead I am super happy to say that it has actually driven my in the opposite direction.

On his first night here I brought himself a box of beer and brought me a box of cider. I am not going to lie OMG I could of sat down and drunk the whole box, talk about making your mouth water. I almost felt dizzy with the desire to crack open that first bottle. But I didn’t instead I told him that I am happy on my no drinking buzz at the moment and that I really didn’t feel like drinking right now. He was disappointed that I wouldn’t be joining him but did not push the issue. Now most nights I still look at him drinking and my damn mouth still waters lol.

But the fact that I see him drinking and smoking every night also has me thinking that I don’t want to go back to spending my nights like that anymore. I volunteer for a Facebook page that posts Lost and Found pets in the hope that we can find their owners, if I was drinking I would not be able to focus on it as well as I do. There is also another thing that stops me from reaching for the bottle and that is what I have had to go through to get to where I am now. I have experienced some of the lowest lows to the point that I did not have the energy to fight the shitty head game that comes with this addiction. I openly told a friend that I just wanted to end it all and I was serious. I didn’t want to have to keep living a life where I was having a battle in my head repeatedly everyday with one voice screaming have a drink and the other voice yelling back shut the fuck up. It was exhausting mentally and physically and I just didn’t have the energy to keep going fighting it anymore and the only way I could see myself at peace was to be dead. I can see now that drinking is what got me to that point, OMG it is so powerful how it plays tricks on your mind with your own mind. It is horrible to be full on in battle with yourself all the time, talk about feeling like a mental headcase. I never want to go back to being that low again and I can see clearly enough now to realize that if I started drinking again either that would end up killing me as my weight once again rises and my blood pressure builds up to off the charts. Mentally I would be disgusted with myself and the self loath would be huge. Even if I was able to stop again I don’t know if with the new layer of personal loathing that I would be able to deal with another more powerful round of self loathing and not kill myself this time round. I am just not prepared to let myself slip back into that bullshit again.

For anyone that is going anything that sounds remotely like the above my heart goes out to you. Please hold on the ride is shit but there really is better on the other side of it. I have now been sober for 8 months and are in a much better head space and physically my body and health are doing so much better. As I was walking my dogs early in the morning on my weekend I realized how much I love the calm of early mornings. It is like the rest of the neighborhood are still sleeping but I am out there with my two best buddies in the beautiful morning air and I feel amazingly calm and refreshed from a good sleep. I used to have crap sleeps when I was drinking with waking up through out the night and often struggling to go back to sleep until about 1/2 an hour before get up time. It was rubbish this is such a better way to start my day and I would of never of enjoyed such bliss while I was still drinking. There are so many simple things like this that make my life so much better that I just wouldn’t have had I still been drinking.

Sorry I hope this ramble to clear a bit of space in my head all makes sense as I don’t have time to proof read it tonight. But I really want to reinforce if you are suffering depression and having suicidal thoughts you are robbing yourself the chance of so many beautiful things that you are going to find as you recover. Hang in there and give me a holla I know what you are going through, I know it is fucken hard and that it feels like no one understands where you are at. You are not alone there are so many of us out here that are willing to offer you words of encouragement. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.

183 Days Sober and a few things I have learnt along the way.

I first saw the above image while at the gym and thought how true is that. If we are not happy where we are, with what we are doing, if we want to change we get a second chance every second of every day. I was so unhappy when I was drinking in the end. It was a habit and one that consumed me. I couldn’t wait to get home in the evenings and relax and unwind with my box of cider. I couldn’t really afford to drink to the excess that I did so would often purchase it by using a shop charge card. I was unwell in my mind and my body. I suffered from depression and at night would be consumed with thoughts that I would over analyze and would let minor things develop into full blown major things (in my head) that would also depress me more and had me so negative I don’t know how I survived. My body was obese, my blood pressure extreme and I won’t even go into my digestive system and how I have abused that over the 20 years I was drinking. I knew I had to change and sometimes I would scare the shit out of myself thinking I would probably die today when I knew that my blood pressure was off the chart from my drinking the night before.

I was miserable and thought that coming home and drinking myself numb each night would block that out. I don’t know why but after years of this and abusing myself something just went off in my brain and I realized that I was not getting anywhere in fact I was just heading to an early grave and things could never get better from there. I knew that I had to stop and correct myself because I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I have had shitty things happen in my life and there are still things that I don’t know how to deal with BUT I am the only one that could change the direction of my life and make it a more enjoyable life to be living. The major changes I have made so far is I have been sober for 183 days now and believe me every second of that counts. I still have moments often where I really, really REALLY want to drink. I have lost a lot of the excess weight through not drinking AND by joining a gym. I LOVE weight lifting and I LOVE cardio and the feeling of having a much healthier body is amazing. Every time I have thoughts that I really want to drink I stop myself by thinking I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I just don’t want to start back at day one, hour one, it is just to hard. I often wonder if I can just buy a 6 pack and just give myself one night with that nice buzz going on. But then I think about the fact if I give myself permission to do that I will give myself permission again and again until I am right back where I started. I am also happy waking up and not feeling like crap with the dry horrors, furry tongue, headache and most times a bad tummy. I want a drink but not as much as I don’t ever want to feel like that because I have drunk again.

Now for a few things I have learnt along the way that has worked for me, please remember everyone’s journey is different and I am not saying hey do this it will help you but it might help you.

Vitamins – I now take vitamin C, B, Multivitamin and Magnesium Complex every day.

Listening to Self Help Pod Casts and Reading Self Help Books – really didn’t help me at all and instead made me over analyze things that had happened in my past and dwell on them way to much. I do not want to give negative things in my past anymore of my time, they are history I can not change them but I have learnt from them and that’s it. Slamming the door on them.

Exercise does help – I love the gym but I find even something as simple as going for a walk is so good for the soul and the body.

Blogging – An amazing tool that helps you get the stuff that is rattling around in your brain out. It is amazing how somethings are just better out and written down. By blogging somewhere like here you can find an amazing support group of people that are dealing with the same sort of shit everyday.

My mind wanders all over the place and has trouble staying focused on anything for a long period of time. Guess what this is normal for people with addictions. Even now my mind is still all over the place but I would say that it is improving and I can focus more at work.

Being Uncomfortable – If things make you uncomfortable e.g. our work Xmas party, I just don’t do them. Not this year maybe next year when I am stronger. How ever I did enjoy arriving to work the next day and seeing the sorry state of some of the party goers, sadistic? maybe 🙂

Sleep – sleep is good. I have been abusing my body for so long that no wonder it is exhausted. Now I am making it exercise and not giving it the poison it has run on for the last 20 years. It deserves a break and resting is not always being lazy it is giving it a break and letting it recharge.

Your mind will come up with some really good arguments as to why you should have a drink. Once again remember it has been working with alcohol or drugs fueling it. It is going to take a while for it to settle down and learn what the new normal is.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down all the time. I find myself calling myself a dumbarse often now I pull myself up for that.

No matter who you are or what you have done so far in your life remember ‘You decide every moment of every day: Who you are & What you believe in. You get a second chance, every second.” If you don’t like it, change it for yourself.

Suicide – Advice Needed

The other night I came so close to losing a friend to suicide that it has scared the shit out of me. Has made me think twice now about where I was not that long ago on my sober journey and major depression hit me and I thought about suicide myself. Not now and now that I see the affect never again. Now I am trying to support her and would like any feedback from you beautiful people. I want to know any idea’s on how to help a person and the best way to get her to understand that things are really shit for her at the moment but they will get better. I have also told her that the old saying of what doesn’t break you really will make you stronger and would love to know how to hammer this message home.