Well I thought it was time I shared something positive with you all. I do apologize about all the negatives but to me coming on here and just blogging it out there and clearing it out of my head makes a huge difference. I also love the support that I get given off here so thank you all. I also have good thoughts and don’t share enough of them with you so here you go.
The other week my car got broken into while parked outside my house a night. I was inside the house at the time along with my dogs and my brother. Now an annoying thing about it all is that my dog did go off his head barking at one point. Because I am freaking out trying to stop the barking with having 3 dogs in the house I growled at him and called him inside. Silly me, poor dog being growled at when he was doing a good thing. It has not gone amiss on me that I have lived at this house for years and at no trouble ever and have always felt safe. I do believe there is a link between my brother being there and his drug taking and yep I am happy to point my finger at either his drug taking friends or his drug dealer – arseholes. I was gutted because not only did they steal my favourite sunglasses that night they also took my IPod Classic (which you can’t get anymore damnit) and a selection of CD’s. ANOTHER THING THEY STOLE THAT NIGHT WAS MY FEELING OF SECURITY! I was very upset about it all and was pissed combined sad for a week or more. Acutally everytime it was sunny I was grumpy because I didn’t have my favourite sunnies to put on only some cheap and nasty ones that hurt my nose until my insurance was sorted. hahaha I can almost hear you think where the hell is the positive out of all of this and I am getting there.
Sunglasses – No longer available in NZ 😦 thank goodness for google found exactly the same glasses in Hong Kong and from ordering they arrived within a week! Positive right there people.
CD’s – Well didn’t get to replace them becasue with my excess from the insurance company the first $250 was taken by them – Negative right there people but one that I can live with, let’s keep it in prospective there are people suffering and dieing all around the world.
IPod – As highlighted no longer available as Apple have stopped making the Classics. Now this could of been a negative but hey instead I got to think about what I would like instead from the insurance company. This got me thinking that I have always wanted to purchase my mother an IPad (I originally told her I would give her one of my old IPods to use and never got around to it). My insurance company agreed to pay out for an IPad instead and I was able to gift it to my mother. My mother was so happy she just about cried.
POSITIVE AND TURNED A NEGATIVE EVENT IN MY LIFE RIGHT AROUND TO SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME SMILE EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT 🙂 Mum can’t stop smiling and has already been out and purchased a cover to protect her new device. My Dad told me she doesn’t need one of those (I guarantee he will be using it within 3 months) and I told him thats not the point she may not need it but she so deserves it. I am so happy that some arsehole stole my shit and it meant that I could feel the warm fuzzies I am experiencing just by being able to give my Mum something I simply do not have the cash to purchase.
I am pretty sure that if I concentrate I can write more posts about many positive things that happen to me everyday that get over looked. Sorry I won’t be stopping the negatives as well because like I said it gets them out of my damn head. But this one made me feel so good I just had to share it with you all.
Oh and I am now on day 269, I stopped counting the days but have just done a telly to see where I am sitting and there we go 269 another positive for today 🙂 Keep rolling along my fellow bloggers this train ain’t stopping anytime soon feel free to join me on this sober journey. Its pretty awesome being more aware of what is happening around me oh and I love being able to get up early on weekends and just do nothing more simply than take my dogs for a walk and to be part of it with them. I no longer walk along in a daze that is hung over and feeling like doing it is just ticking another thing of my list for the day. A list that I had to complete to earn the next round of drinks that night. NO MORE it is one of the most awesome moments to BE with them and enjoy the walk just as much as they do.
OMGosh I can be such a bitch with a sarcastic tongue that has a venom that slaps out. Sometimes I am shocked myself by the level of my inner bitterness. I have a side that can be so loving and compassionate and yet another side that is so angry it is like living with Jekyl and Hyde. I am working so hard on trying to tame the inner bitch but it just comes out and bitch slaps me so hard. I can feel it coming with a grumpiness that starts to boil over into just being a bitch.
I know my trigger and it is drugs and alcohol. I have become this person that has no tolerance for people that participate in either and become very judgmental of them for their choices. I am pissed with my brother for still taking drugs and I am tense when around him while he is drinking. I am pissed with the person who is selling him the drugs and suspect that it is a person at our work who is selling it to him (yes we currently live together but we also work together, not healthy). I am pissed with the ones that are uses at work as if they have had an evening together they really do have a I can’t be fucked day at work. You would think that my boss would be unhappy with this but he also partakes in this behavior. Out of my 4 bosses that I have had in the past 12 years 2 of them have been drug takers and one was without doubt an alcoholic.
Anyway focusing back on the problem I hate my inner bitchiness and that sarcasm that comes with it. Why the hell can’t I just relax and let people live their lives the way they want to and not be such a judgmental cow? If there is a part of our character that we hate why is it so hard to just stop it? It is so rude and also it is tiring wasting my energy judging others and being shitty.
Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.
I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem
There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.
I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”