Tag Archives: AA

It’s Been Way To Long Since I Posted Here

Just wanted to give you all a quick catch up I am STILL sober and will stay that way. I still suffer from bouts of depression but am now aware enough to realize that I would be feeling this way with or without alcohol. But the depression cloud does not hang over me so heavy when I no longer have to work through hangovers. I enjoy just living in the moment as much as it was great to numb things that I wasn’t enjoying in my life it is easier to deal with them and move on without the alcohol. Booze certainly numbed it but guess what the problem was still there it didn’t go away I still had to deal with it and now I can move on quicker.

For those of you that are just starting a sober journey I wish you the best of luck and my advice for you is do what feels right for you in your sober journey. If AA is for you do it, if AA doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. If the book or if you are in a country with meetings Rational Recovery works for you then do it, if Rational Recovery doesn’t feel right for you then you don’t have to do it. I could go on with all the different things that have worked for different people and I think you are seeing the key here DO WHAT IS GOING TO WORK FOR YOU!!! But do try things and keep trying until you do find the right thing for you. If you follow these sober blogs on here do encourage each other as it can be extremely lonely world being sober on your own when you are used to a world of drinking.

Well I have enjoyed posting this and sharing my wisdom (for what it was worth) with you all. I really, really hope it helps someone, anyone or even everybody that takes time to read this. Don’t give up, do believe in yourself and if you trip and fall (do use what ever you are addicted to) please pick yourself up and start again until you succeed.

One thing I do want to do is to thank the people on here that I either followed, had follow me, commented on my posts, shared my posts and encouraged me. You have all made a huge difference in my life and I don’t think I would of survived some of the darkest moments without you all xxxxxx – Love, Peace and Energy to You with the biggest hug of thanks I can send.

Day 200 passed and I missed it!!!

Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling  and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.

I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem

There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.

I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”

183 Days Sober and a few things I have learnt along the way.

I first saw the above image while at the gym and thought how true is that. If we are not happy where we are, with what we are doing, if we want to change we get a second chance every second of every day. I was so unhappy when I was drinking in the end. It was a habit and one that consumed me. I couldn’t wait to get home in the evenings and relax and unwind with my box of cider. I couldn’t really afford to drink to the excess that I did so would often purchase it by using a shop charge card. I was unwell in my mind and my body. I suffered from depression and at night would be consumed with thoughts that I would over analyze and would let minor things develop into full blown major things (in my head) that would also depress me more and had me so negative I don’t know how I survived. My body was obese, my blood pressure extreme and I won’t even go into my digestive system and how I have abused that over the 20 years I was drinking. I knew I had to change and sometimes I would scare the shit out of myself thinking I would probably die today when I knew that my blood pressure was off the chart from my drinking the night before.

I was miserable and thought that coming home and drinking myself numb each night would block that out. I don’t know why but after years of this and abusing myself something just went off in my brain and I realized that I was not getting anywhere in fact I was just heading to an early grave and things could never get better from there. I knew that I had to stop and correct myself because I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I have had shitty things happen in my life and there are still things that I don’t know how to deal with BUT I am the only one that could change the direction of my life and make it a more enjoyable life to be living. The major changes I have made so far is I have been sober for 183 days now and believe me every second of that counts. I still have moments often where I really, really REALLY want to drink. I have lost a lot of the excess weight through not drinking AND by joining a gym. I LOVE weight lifting and I LOVE cardio and the feeling of having a much healthier body is amazing. Every time I have thoughts that I really want to drink I stop myself by thinking I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I just don’t want to start back at day one, hour one, it is just to hard. I often wonder if I can just buy a 6 pack and just give myself one night with that nice buzz going on. But then I think about the fact if I give myself permission to do that I will give myself permission again and again until I am right back where I started. I am also happy waking up and not feeling like crap with the dry horrors, furry tongue, headache and most times a bad tummy. I want a drink but not as much as I don’t ever want to feel like that because I have drunk again.

Now for a few things I have learnt along the way that has worked for me, please remember everyone’s journey is different and I am not saying hey do this it will help you but it might help you.

Vitamins – I now take vitamin C, B, Multivitamin and Magnesium Complex every day.

Listening to Self Help Pod Casts and Reading Self Help Books – really didn’t help me at all and instead made me over analyze things that had happened in my past and dwell on them way to much. I do not want to give negative things in my past anymore of my time, they are history I can not change them but I have learnt from them and that’s it. Slamming the door on them.

Exercise does help – I love the gym but I find even something as simple as going for a walk is so good for the soul and the body.

Blogging – An amazing tool that helps you get the stuff that is rattling around in your brain out. It is amazing how somethings are just better out and written down. By blogging somewhere like here you can find an amazing support group of people that are dealing with the same sort of shit everyday.

My mind wanders all over the place and has trouble staying focused on anything for a long period of time. Guess what this is normal for people with addictions. Even now my mind is still all over the place but I would say that it is improving and I can focus more at work.

Being Uncomfortable – If things make you uncomfortable e.g. our work Xmas party, I just don’t do them. Not this year maybe next year when I am stronger. How ever I did enjoy arriving to work the next day and seeing the sorry state of some of the party goers, sadistic? maybe 🙂

Sleep – sleep is good. I have been abusing my body for so long that no wonder it is exhausted. Now I am making it exercise and not giving it the poison it has run on for the last 20 years. It deserves a break and resting is not always being lazy it is giving it a break and letting it recharge.

Your mind will come up with some really good arguments as to why you should have a drink. Once again remember it has been working with alcohol or drugs fueling it. It is going to take a while for it to settle down and learn what the new normal is.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down all the time. I find myself calling myself a dumbarse often now I pull myself up for that.

No matter who you are or what you have done so far in your life remember ‘You decide every moment of every day: Who you are & What you believe in. You get a second chance, every second.” If you don’t like it, change it for yourself.

167 Days Sober

Well here I am at the end of another day, day 167 to be exact. Did I think at the start of this journey that I would still be hanging in there at that number? To be honest no, no I didn’t. Did I know that I could do it if I put my mind to it? Yes because I am a very stubborn person when I put my mind to something. But did I realize that I would still be wanting a drink more than once a day at this stage? Hell no, but I do and it pisses me off. It’s just a number right? 167 Days Sober, besides who would I really hurt if I started again? Would anyone be upset with me if I started again? The answer to both in nope, no they wouldn’t.

There have been days where I haven’t thought about it at all and they are a blessing. I don’t think it helps that we have hit the festive time of the year as well. I am finding it easier to stay at home then to participate in the festivities. This is bringing on another problem, loneliness and boredom. I have a sadness inside me like when you are in a room full of people but you feel so very alone. I wonder if it would just be easier to give in and just join them all and start drinking along with them. I don’t want to but I don’t know how to deal with this. While typing this I have decided that I am going to dig deep and see this Xmas and New Year through SOBER. Surely I can find a way to make some sober friends that just want to enjoy each others company over a good coffee or meal. I did not realize that in today’s society so much is built around getting together and drinking.

Anyway I will try to write a better post for you all this weekend. I have been checking in and reading all of your fabulous posts but just couldn’t sit still long enough to get one together for myself. I still have trouble focusing on one thing at a time.

Reasons Why My Life Is Better Sober

1. There is pride in every day I add to my total of being sober (currently at day 105).

2. I have only had to put out my recycle bin once since stopping drinking (sorry I had to mention it here).

3. Not being afraid of the phone going at night and answering it and having the person notice my slur.

4. My blood pressure is the lowest I can remember for years.

5. I enjoy mornings now.

6. I enjoy sober sleep, it is so much better than sleep fueled with alcohol.

7. Taking the time to cook much healthier meals.

8. My dog’s life has improved as I am able to focus on playing with him at night rather than get annoyed with him because I want him to leave me alone to have my drink.

9. Both my dog’s enjoy going for walk’s after work that is a walk for them giving them time to stop and smell whatever they want on the way without me hurrying them up so I can get home to crack open a bottle.

10. My life in more productive.

11. Having the ability to drive somewhere when ever I want and not having to stop to think how much I have had to drink first.

12. Losing friends that don’t support my sober life.

13. Losing weight.

14. Getting up at 5.30am to go to the gym before work.

15. Not having the stress of making my wages last long enough to support my drinking habit from pay day to pay day.

16. Having this blog.

17. Having the support of others because of this blog.

18. Having the support of a friend in my decision not to drink.

19. Not having to get up to piss numerous times through out the night.

20. Reading a book from start to finish.

21. Walking the dogs without getting short of breath.

22. Not being embarrassed putting out my full re-cycle bin and putting the few non-alcohol related items on top in a pathetic attempt to cover all the bottles below.

23. Actually knowing when I am tired and needing to go to bed.

24. Not waking up on the couch, cold and stumble to bed.

25. Not disturbing the sleeping dogs by getting up all the time for another bottle.

26. Watching a TV series and actually keeping up with what is happening.

27. Having goals in my life now.

28. ……. there is more and I am now finding them every day.

85 Days Sober

Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley

Well here I am having quite the journey which is not quite as I expected. I am so happy to be here as there have been many times when I could of stumbled and just said “Fuck It” and went out and started to drink again. But I haven’t and there is a powerful reason why I haven’t and that is the fact that oh my gosh if drinking has the power to put me where I am right now I am never touching it again, EVER!!!

Depression has hit me like a freight train and I am at the point that I am going to go to the Doctors this week because I refuse to keep living like this. I have SO SO many blessings in my life that it guts me that I feel this way. I find it hard to even crack a smile unless I am out in public and feel that it is necessary so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I have done the normal roving around different blogs and websites and they all say that this can be a normal part of a heavy drinker giving up as the mind is so use to coping with the alcohol fueling it that coping without can send it into a spin. Some people are lucky and don’t have any depression and others I have seen said they suffered for months and sometimes a year or two. Well screw that I can not keep going like this and have decided it is time to ask for help. If I keep being this miserable I am scared that I will cave in and start drinking again just to bring on my friend the numb brain and get some relief. I also don’t think it is normal to have thoughts about killing yourself to make it stop but knowing that you would not go through with it because of the hurt it would bring on to others are at all healthy.

I am also at risk of losing a really good friend because of my down moods and not being her normal happy go lucky friend. I am even pushing her away because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t like it and don’t want her seeing me like this.This is another reason for me going to ask for help, I would give my life for this friend and it hurts me that this is effecting our friendship. I will be seeing her later today and will be trying to explain this all to her and ask her to please don’t give up on me I am going to get help.

I went to the gym again yesterday and am super disappointed to find out that the 2 young ladies that treated me like shit the other day are actually staff there. Gutting and not sure what I am going to do about this. I want my fit healthy body back but I am not in a good mental space to be able to deal with what I have decided was being bullied. I saw them both when I went to the gym, one on reception that just turned her back on me as I walked in. And the other was doing life saving at the pool that you look at while on the cardio machines who saw me also and just looked at me and turned away. Now these could be just normal no meaning reactions but because of my fragile mental state I am not coping well with them. I’ll see and keep going but the thought it going through my head of saving up and buying my own work out gear for at home. I know you don’t need to spend big dollars but one thing I like is strength training and get a buzz out of things like bench press and box squats. Who knew but I do now that I love these things. I also love the DOMS that it can bring on for me that next day. It makes me feel that my body is alive and the pain / discomfort is purely the sign of it building strength and growing stronger.

I have been going to the gym for I think 3 weeks now and have lost 5 kg’s and am already fitting clothes that I use to take of in disgust because I looked like a baby hippo trying to squeeze into a snakes shredded skin 🙂 so I am very happy about that, I have a long way to go but I am doing it.

Now on with my day and getting up the courage to ask my friend for 5 minutes of her time so I can explain how much I value our friendship and that I am sorry for how I have been but I will be getting help as I love her and don’t want to bring this shitty depressed cloud into our friendship. Wish me luck.

Stay strong everyone and remember it was our addictions that brought us to where we are today.

Tomorrow is my 1st Month down staying sober anniversary!!!

Holy Shit Batman I have to be honest that I didn’t even think I was going to be reaching the point this time round. There has been many shitty days, emotional days, cloudy days and feeling like crap days in the mix. My mind is a powerful tool and it has put up a really strong fight with itself, maybe left brain fighting right brain I’m not sure, and I am winning.

Oh yesterday was recycle bin collection time. I don’t know why I find this day so significant but I think it was because I used to feel ashamed putting out my overflowing bin for the whole neighborhood to see. I am in my mid 40’s and my parents come around to my house a lot while I am at work and I would cringe at the thought of them seeing my recycle bin if the truck hadn’t been past to empty it before they saw it. I also have a friend that has moved into the neighborhood that use to kindly do some personal training with me and she knows about my drinking problem but I still felt ashamed of her seeing my over flowing bin (even though she is the only person that knows of my problem and is the most non-judgmental person I know) and seeing just how much I did drink behind closed doors. It’s weird some parts of me could not give a flying fuck what some people think of me except my family and close friends. As for caring what my neighborhood thinks of me it comes down to the fact that I don’t like to be judged as not normal. I want to go unnoticed and to not be judged on my drinking problem. ANYWAYS for the running update once again I decided my recycle bin did not warrant putting out by the roadside and it’s contents is now – 7 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 1 X Conditioner Bottle. Interesting enough I have had the past week off work and I was here as the truck drove around emptying everyone’s bins and I found myself smiling as I listened to the loud clanking and crashing noises of the bins that did have empty alcohol bottles in them. You guys better hope I get that darn bin emptied sometime soon so you don’t have to keep hearing about it hahahaha.

This week I had another first with a social / meeting that involved food and drinks for everyone there. They had even gone to the trouble of buying my favorite drink, Speights Cider, damn! I managed to turn down the drink when offered to me while telling them I was so sorry I am doing Dry July (not sure if that is a world wide thing or just something here in NZ, people give up drinking for the month of July in support of Cancer, some get sponsorship to take part and donate the money raised to the Cancer Society). To say I was doing this was much easier than explaining why I did not want to drink and got accepted with ease. It also made it easier for me to focus because if I backed down and drank I would of looked like a right arsehole in everyone’s eyes. At one stage someone walked past my chair carrying one of those Speights Ciders and I watched the bottle as it passed, my mouth filled with saliva as my body screamed “Get One” I had to drop my head and refocus my mind to no. I did find it hard to stay focused at the meeting and hope I don’t have to attend another one anytime soon but now at least I know I can do it.

Finishing this one off with more positives –

  • My headaches are easing and somedays I don’t have any.
  • My concentration spans are lasting longer.
  • I have completed reading a whole book (something that I haven’t been able to do for years)
  • I don’t need to worry that I have only a few dollars left in my bank while waiting for payday because there is nothing that I really need where as before I would of been in a panic and trying to work out how I was going to pay for another box of cider.
  • My dog’s are happier with the new me.

Oh I just about forgot I have started a new book called “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know” by George W.” and I read something in there I thought I would share with you all.

As addicts, we’ve abused the hell out of ourselves, often for months or years. Now our bodies are in shock, our minds are confused and disoriented, and we generally loathe everything and everybody, including ourselves. We didn’t get sick overnight, and we certainly won’t get well overnight, either. But this will pass and things will get better, if you can just hang in there for another twenty-four hours.

Now I don’t know about the loathe everything and everybody but I am going through a battle of loathing myself for being an intelligent person but still letting a liquid poison have so much control over my body for so long even when I realized I had a problem years ago. But for now I am starting to feel prouder of myself for fighting back and winning. I draw strength for all of the other amazing people blogging on here that are helping me realize that the crazy thoughts in my head are normal for us. I am just a normal person.

Love to You All and Let’s Look After Each Other.

 

Well this staying sober ain’t easy, I’ll say that much.

Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.

At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).

Work is practically stressful and busy with  it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.

Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.

I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.

Take care, hang in their with me.

Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.

EMINEM – Not Afraid – Day 11.

Well up to Day 11 and still sober beautiful people. My mind is still going crazy lets take today for example it even let me think about going and buying a box of cider tonight after work and here follows its logic on this. Well if you go and buy a box and drink it tonight you KNOW you will feel like shit tomorrow morning and that should help stop with the cravings, right. What the heck sort of logic is that!!!!!!!! Oh dear me it’s like one side of my brain is thinking logically and I don’t know where it cruizes off to and this other random part takes up the space it vacated lol. Anyway I better not make this to long as I am at work but this song was playing and gotta say some of the lyrics EMINEM spat out just for me, I’m sure he did!!! Oh okay maybe he did it for some of you too but that is all. Funny how stopping drinking is making lyrics take on a whole new life, I feel they are going to become a big part of my life for a while.

EMINEM

“Not Afraid”

[Chorus:]
I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

[Intro (during Chorus):]
Yeah, it’s been a ride
I guess I had to, go to that place, to get to this one
Now some of you, might still be in that place
If you’re trying to get out, just follow me
I’ll get you there

You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay ’em
But you won’t take the sting out these words before I say ’em
Cause ain’t no way I’ma let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say I’ma do something I do it,
I don’t give a damn what you think,
I’m doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it’s gassed up, if it thinks it’s stopping me
I’ma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I’m tearing down your balcony
No ifs, ands or buts, don’t try to ask him why or how can he
From “Infinite” down to the last “Relapse” album
He’s still shitting, whether he’s on salary paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shits his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He’s married to the game, like a fuck you for Christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the Earth, he’s got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt, and fuck the whole universe

[Chorus]

Okay quit playing with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn’t have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it’s a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth, for that
Fuck your fillings, instead of getting crowned you’re getting capped
And to the fans, I’ll never let you down again, I’m back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let’s be honest, that last “Relapse” CD was ehhh
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain’t going back to that now
All I’m trying to say is get back, click-clack, blow
Cause I ain’t playing around
It’s a game called circle and I don’t know how, I’m way too up to back down
But I think I’m still trying to figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t, this fucking black cloud
Still follows me around but it’s time to exorcise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!

[Chorus]

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly, I probably did it subliminally
For you, so I could come back a brand new me you helped see me through
And don’t even realize what you did, ’cause believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they could do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers
And drop dead, no more beef lingers
No more drama from now on, I promise
To focus solely on handling my responsibilities as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof, like my daughters
And raise it, you couldn’t lift a single shingle on it!
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub, and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar
I’d shoot for the moon but I’m too busy gazing at stars
I feel amazing and I’m…

[Chorus]