I have been MIA for the week as I have had a bad week and have been angry, sad and trying to stay busy because I am also feeling vulnerable and have a shitty attitude of what is the point of not drinking.
Last Friday I went through the normal afternoon crazy train mind fuck of I WANT A DRINK, NO I DON’T, YES I DO I REALLY REALLY DO BLAH BLAH BLAH. Anyway when I left work I walked out to my car and went to unlock the door and noticed that it had a huge dent in it. Instant thought was WTF!!!! I went to unlock it to put my gear in and found that it wasn’t locked. Once I had the door open I noticed the dash was damaged the steering column was all smashed and the ignition was dangling with many copper colored wires hanging down from it. Upon further inspection I found that the rear triangle smashed. The tow truck driver explained to me that who ever tried to steal it was an amateur because there is a auto cut-out for the engine if you don’t have the key in the ignition. Now a week later and many sleepless nights I am still waiting to see if my car is going to be written off or repaired. One or two bits of the damage would of got it repaired but add the kicked in door as well the price is climbing up there.
As I have explained before I let myself get into financial shit. My car is really not worth a great deal at all to anyone but myself. If they write it off by the time my excess comes off I will come out with bugger all and I would only be able to purchase a heap of unreliable shit. If they agree to repair I am happy to have my old car back as it has had some major work on the motor and new tyres at the end of last year so I at least know it should be reliable and a good little basic car. I have been losing a lot of sleep just worrying about it all and even if they do repair it I have to find the $400 excess which for me will mean other bills don’t get paid.
The oddest thing is I have gone from being angry with the person to thinking I don’t know what their circumstances are nor what their upbringing was so I have an odd mixture of wanting to punch them in the face OR ask them those questions first before deciding if they are an arsehole or not and maybe still punching them in the face. Not really because I am not a violent person but you get what I mean.
Anyway here we are back at Fucken Friday afternoon.
I seem to use my blog to get out the negative, crazy and embarrassing things that rattle around in my head and often forget to just breath and let you all know that there is also so much in my life to be grateful for. I have many, many blessings in my life and spend way to much time deep in thought pondering over shit that matters but really shouldn’t take up so much space in my head. Could explain why it’s here in my blogging world as purely a way to get it out and move on. Anyways moving on time for a moment to share some of my blessings with you all.
- I am over 300 days sober now (I think I will confirm that when I get home and look at my calendar).
- I am so grateful that even with the mind of an addict I have managed to stay on my goal and am still sober.
- Okay I am not going to start all of these with I am so please take that as a given. Attended my first work party since going sober and am a happy sober day after person now 🙂
- Happy that I got to offer to be sober driver to make sure everyone would get home safely.
- Deepest love in my life is my dog’s and now that I am living sober I am even more aware of their amazing natures and the deepest love that I have for them.
- So happy that I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge for the dog’s and myself, power, phone and electricity.
- I still haven’t mastered how to make my pay last from pay-day to pay-day and end up robbing Peter to pay Paul, but at least I have a Peter to help out Paul! Previously Peter would have already have been broke after finding funds to feed my addiction. So I have Peter to fall back on and the next aim is to not need Peter, baby steps here.
- I still have a bloody good job that pays a reasonable wage.
- My parents are nearing their 80’s but are still in reasonable health.
- I have a volunteer job that I work on in evenings and weekends and I love it.
- Ice Cream, I have Ice Cream in my life. Now that one might seem a bit random to some of you in amongst all of this but picture this – I have food allergies and can not eat anything containing wheat, gluten or dairy. For years I have not had Ice Cream or Chocolate and now I have found a form of both that I can have. PLEASE don’t ponder what is actually in them and to people who can have the real version it probably taste yuck but to me I am in heaven when I eat them.
- Painkillers, I have a problem with a disc in my upper back at the moment and without pain killers it feels like someone is stabbing a hot poker in there.
- Friends, I have some amazing friends around me that I need to learn to communicate with better and I need to learn how to ask them for help more.
- My car, it is nothing flash in fact I would call in a Nana vehicle but oh my I would be lost without it.
- My freedom, you know when I watch TV and I see the poor people in war-torn countries my heart breaks for them. The fear on their tired faces is unforgettable.
- The country that I was born in and live in, New Zealand is a really amazing beautiful part of the world to be in.
- My health which I never take for granted, I have officially died on an operating table and the life that I was living before that was one of repeated illness and pain. Now when I make it through the day well and without pain (apart from my back) I am so blessed.
- This blog as it has become the place where I can just be me and ramble out what ever random shit I feel like with no guilt, shame, embarrassment or nervousness.
- Music, there is pretty much always music close by if not on with me I can’t even imagine being without it.
- stubbornness, okay that is a weird thing to put on this list but without it I would not be where I am in live right now.
If you are still here thanks for reading it all the way though, some of what is on here is so basic but if I was to remove any part from my life the hole would be huge.
Stay strong and every so often please sit back and count your blessings. XOXOXOXO
Okay so I am sure the image at the top is to do with much deeper things than what I am about to blog about here BUT this is my blog and it sure is appropriate for me. I think I have discussed on here before about how socially awkward I am and seriously it guts me to be like this. I really am one of those people that is so much more comfortable around animals than I am with humans. I know some amazing people who have the kindest hearts but when it comes to being around them I clam up and nerves just shuts me down. I feel like I completely shut down YET have me chatting to them via Facebook messenger or text or email it is not a problem. What is it about being face to face with someone and in the case I am thinking of it was Skype for the first time with a friend that I have chatted with via Facebook for coming up a year now. On Facebook we can chat away and everything flows smoothly with a really great friendship going but once it came to being face to face I got so nervous and just shut down. I must of looked like a right fucken idiot.
No wonder I am a lonely person I am so crap at being around people and talking to the face to face to the point I even made myself feel awkward lol. I don’t know how I am going to fix this one but I have to figure out a way.
Oh on another note I am going to have to check the calendar at home but I believe that I am now over 300 days sober, woop woop amazing myself with that one. I think instead of having my brother living with me who does drink and drugs that instead of pulling me back into it my mind is in the right place and it is infact making me push it even further away. I still have moments where I think oh God I would love a drink just to sit and relax and stop dwelling on stupid shit but I now realize that it’s not actually the drink that I want it is the ability to relax and forget about my problems for a while. I have come a long way in my thinking baby!!!!
Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.
My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.
I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.
How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment? I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.
I just had to share this with you all. It is from a great blog that I follow and I have included the line to go to their site if you want to. This is just the first 5 but the give 27 in total –
- Start learning to be more human again. – Gadgets are great, but they can get in the way if you aren’t careful. Control them so they don’t control you. In other words, put down the phone. Don’t avoid eye contact. Don’t hide behind a screen. Ask about people’s stories. Listen. And smile together.
- Start filtering out the noise in your life. – Be careful about who you give the microphone and stage to in your life. Don’t just listen to the loudest voice. Listen to the truest one.
- Start choosing differently, for your own well-being. – A big part of your life is a result of the little choices you make every day. If you don’t like some part of your life, it’s time to start tweaking things and making better choices, right now, right where you are.
- Start being way more productive than you are busy. – There’s a big difference between being busy and being productive. Don’t confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but never makes any forward progress. In other words…
- Start dedicating time every day to meaningful activities. – What you do every day matters, but WHY you do what you do matters even more. So quit doing just what you’re able to do; figure out what you were made to do, and then do more of it. And if you only have fifteen minutes a day to spare, no problem – make those fifteen minutes meaningful.
It is from Marc and Angel Hack Life and I have been following it for a while with daily emails that really do get me thinking. Hope some of you enjoy it and find it helpful as well –
Is it just me or have others of you found that by reading self help books you finish them and you are more fucked up than before you read them? Seriously I have had stuff happen in my life that if I wanted to sit there and feel bad about for the rest of my life I could. But by doing that I would be missing out on getting on with life and hopefully stumbling across something wonderful. I just find that these books, oh and pod casts that I thought might help me to improve myself on my journey actually make me dwell on the negatives that have happened in my life instead of focusing on the zillion amazing blessings that I have had and still get in my life. I am going to stop reading and listening to them and see what happens.
If you are someone that has found them helpful in your journey I think that is wonderful but I just am not finding that.
Well I had my chat with my friend and now realise just why she is my best friend / sister. I was stupid to think that she would ever just turn her back on me in the first place. She knew that something was wrong and when I explained it all to her I felt so much better. I stumbled a bit trying to explain things to her but got there in the end. Just the fact that I have been open with her and no longer pushing her away because I am ashamed of the thoughts in my head has made it so much better. I don’t have to hide things from her because she is so supportive and it was a great relief. She is an amazing friend and is the sort that can just sense when things aren’t right with me. One of the reasons why I didn’t share with her is that I felt like I was being a drama queen and so full of self pity that I had no right to burden someone else with all my shit. She explained that everyone has the right to their feelings. She was so glad that I came and talked to her about it all but was saddened to think that I was thinking like I have been.
Another great thing that has made me feel better is talking to my boss (who has become more of a friend and is transfering so I thought it was okay to talk to him) and explaining how it felt like I was stuffing up lately and not getting through my work and it was upsetting to me. He came back with “man you set the bar so high for your work standard and I am so hard on myself. He also asked did I realize that I was doing the work load of what other stores have 2-3 people covering? He said that I was amazing and that it wouldn’t take us long to catch it all up if we worked together”. This made me feel so much better as I hadn’t realized this and I was so greatful that we have worked together and by the end of the week we will be right back up to date.
I guess as a round up to this all, never underestimate your friends, if they are true friends they will understand.
Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery;
None but ourselves can free our minds. – Bob Marley
Well here I am having quite the journey which is not quite as I expected. I am so happy to be here as there have been many times when I could of stumbled and just said “Fuck It” and went out and started to drink again. But I haven’t and there is a powerful reason why I haven’t and that is the fact that oh my gosh if drinking has the power to put me where I am right now I am never touching it again, EVER!!!
Depression has hit me like a freight train and I am at the point that I am going to go to the Doctors this week because I refuse to keep living like this. I have SO SO many blessings in my life that it guts me that I feel this way. I find it hard to even crack a smile unless I am out in public and feel that it is necessary so people don’t ask what’s wrong. I have done the normal roving around different blogs and websites and they all say that this can be a normal part of a heavy drinker giving up as the mind is so use to coping with the alcohol fueling it that coping without can send it into a spin. Some people are lucky and don’t have any depression and others I have seen said they suffered for months and sometimes a year or two. Well screw that I can not keep going like this and have decided it is time to ask for help. If I keep being this miserable I am scared that I will cave in and start drinking again just to bring on my friend the numb brain and get some relief. I also don’t think it is normal to have thoughts about killing yourself to make it stop but knowing that you would not go through with it because of the hurt it would bring on to others are at all healthy.
I am also at risk of losing a really good friend because of my down moods and not being her normal happy go lucky friend. I am even pushing her away because I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t like it and don’t want her seeing me like this.This is another reason for me going to ask for help, I would give my life for this friend and it hurts me that this is effecting our friendship. I will be seeing her later today and will be trying to explain this all to her and ask her to please don’t give up on me I am going to get help.
I went to the gym again yesterday and am super disappointed to find out that the 2 young ladies that treated me like shit the other day are actually staff there. Gutting and not sure what I am going to do about this. I want my fit healthy body back but I am not in a good mental space to be able to deal with what I have decided was being bullied. I saw them both when I went to the gym, one on reception that just turned her back on me as I walked in. And the other was doing life saving at the pool that you look at while on the cardio machines who saw me also and just looked at me and turned away. Now these could be just normal no meaning reactions but because of my fragile mental state I am not coping well with them. I’ll see and keep going but the thought it going through my head of saving up and buying my own work out gear for at home. I know you don’t need to spend big dollars but one thing I like is strength training and get a buzz out of things like bench press and box squats. Who knew but I do now that I love these things. I also love the DOMS that it can bring on for me that next day. It makes me feel that my body is alive and the pain / discomfort is purely the sign of it building strength and growing stronger.
I have been going to the gym for I think 3 weeks now and have lost 5 kg’s and am already fitting clothes that I use to take of in disgust because I looked like a baby hippo trying to squeeze into a snakes shredded skin 🙂 so I am very happy about that, I have a long way to go but I am doing it.
Now on with my day and getting up the courage to ask my friend for 5 minutes of her time so I can explain how much I value our friendship and that I am sorry for how I have been but I will be getting help as I love her and don’t want to bring this shitty depressed cloud into our friendship. Wish me luck.
Stay strong everyone and remember it was our addictions that brought us to where we are today.
What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain). While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.
This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.
Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.
I have now finished the book “Don’t Let The Bastards Grind You Down – 50 Things Every Alcoholic and Addict In Early Recovery Should Know by Georgia W.” and I thought I would share the part that hit home the most for me.
“Someone once said to me that having resentment was liking drinking a bottle of poison and expecting someone else to die from it. That stuck with me because it summed up the futility of harboring resentment and just how dangerous it can be. Basically, resentment is a feeling of anger or bitterness, usually directed toward another person or persons, living or dead. It’s not that uncommon, though, to harbor resentment toward other entities, such as employers, organizations, government, police, and religious institutions – pretty much anything! As humans, we all have resentments; the reason I mentioning them here has to do with the way normal people deal with them versus the way alcoholics and addicts deal with them.
If someone offends a normal person, that person might address the issue right away, or just let it go without giving it a second thought (a concept completely foreign to alcoholics and addicts). For the addicted mind, however, the offense becomes a preoccupation no matter how large or small it is. As if that weren’t unhealthy enough, these preoccupations can easily lead to drinking or using.”
Boy did this hit home to me, I can dwell on something somebody did or said for days, months even, some grudges I have held on to for years!!!!! I have often thought what the hell is wrong with me, why carry around this load and yep I often turned to the bottle to get over whatever arsehole X had done to me that day. Looking back now I find myself wondering if my alcoholic mind blew things way out of portion just to provide me with a reason to need that calming drink to help me process my anger and resentment to how I had been treated. This is something that I am going to have to work on but I have found it happening less often now that I am not drinking.
Oh P.S. I hope it’s okay with Georgia W. that I shared that piece from her book, she says in it that she is hoping to help others with addiction so I hope she views this as me sharing the words in hope it helps some of you as well. Go and check out her book people it’s a good one with language that doesn’t leave you using Uncle Google to figure out what some of it means.