Tag Archives: Want the numbness back

8 Weeks / 50 Days Sober – 22 June First Dry Day

Yay I figured out how to add the post from Facebook for you all.

Well here we are I an getting ready to head to bed at the end of my 50th day without a drink. For some reason I feel flat tonight. There is so much that drifts in and out of my head that I think “wow that is important I must share it on my blog” but I haven’t. Sometimes I think that what I think is just not normal and some things are just darn painful and other things I think no one is gonna want to read that shit. Well just in typing this I have remembered some things that I was going to share so here they are sorry if they bore you but I have to get them out of my head.

Something was posted on Facebook this week about never letting your pets die alone, stick with them till the end etc (if I ever figure out how to share pictures I will put it on here) anyway I shared with others that I have been with everyone of my pets till the end and have let them pass over knowing that they are loved and thanked them for sharing their time on earth with me except for one. Missy was my first dog, she was a beautiful Black Labrador with an amazing happy nature. Anyway I was not with her when she died because my ex shot her. That’s right the man that I loved for 15 years shot her. I left him after finding out that he was screwing around on me and had actually managed to get another girl pregnant. He wanted me back but I refused as this was not the first time he had cheated on me, one can only bang their head against a wall for so long. I was a fool and we had a few get together’s that should never of happened and when I saw the light I told him it was over. My dog was the daughter of his dog and as they had been together for all of their lives I had to make the hard decision to leave her with her mother and him. Anyway long story short he did the one thing that he knew would hurt me the most for rejecting him and that was shooting and killing my dog. I had no idea that he could kill her as in all the time we where together he was great with the animals. Our relationship had slowly broken down as he got heavier and heavier into drinking and smoking pot and looking back now I can see that he was not the same man that I fell in love with. This is one very sad thing from my past that has come back to haunt me this week.

Is it possible for a person to have too much empathy for others? I am starting to get majorly depressed about what is happening in Ukraine. The other morning I was watching the news before going to work and there was a clip that showed small children and a few adults in a school. They where sitting there crying and some of the littlest ones where calling for their Mum’s who there is a really good chance they will never see again. Their pain was real and raw the sadness in those faces was terrible, their grief unimaginable. Then a bomb went of right outside the building their faces in an instance changed from grief to total terror. They all jumped up and scattered in all directions, stopped and looked around and realized they did not know where to run and that they had been running away from each other. The clip stopped there but the images on their faces has stayed with me. I left for work thinking I had just witnessed the next generation of fighters because all they have known is sadness and fear why wouldn’t you fight back out of anger for something like this.

At work I am one of the Managers and we have some staff that are going through very tough patches in their lives. I have to listen to their problems as they explain why they are unable to do their jobs and I sit there almost crying with some of the painful things they are going through. Now I don’t want to dwell on this bit for to long because it is not my story to tell.

My point is that I feel their pain, I seem to take on board other people’s pain and stress and without alcohol I am having trouble shaking it away. Why do I take on board other people’s pain and emotions? This week I have had thoughts about taking up drinking again because when I am drinking I forget about all of the sad shit. The next day it takes me a while to recover fully and I don’t take on the burden then either because I am to busy getting through my work load. Now that my mind is clearer I am finding that sometimes it is not always best. I do not think about drinking as much so this is a good thing. I still haven’t emptied my recycle bin (I think I will take a photo of it before I put it out at the road side hahaha). I have so many good and positive things in my life but how do I stop feeling so much?