Tag Archives: Bye Bye Alcohol

Damn You Oh Brother Of Mine

Yesterday my Dad talked a bit about my brother and the situation and it was highlighted to me that my parents are both getting older now (late 70’s) and that I would probably always have to look out for my brother. We discussed that even with us pointing out to my brother that his drug taking has in fact done brain damage he simply can not see it. He does not think with the logic a normal person should and it is like living with a damn teenager even though he is 49. After hearing that fact I was seriously ready to bolt back into my teenage years myself and run away. I want to run away from the responsibility that I never asked for and I don’t want to have to be around to guide him and try to direct him in the right direction. Actually who the hell am I to think I know the direction he should take anyway?? And yet a part of me knows that this is true and that while still letting him live his life I do have to be ready to step in when required. My parents have been doing this all his life and I think they are worried that no one else will be around to do it when they pass. That and they are getting tired and don’t have the energy to deal with it all anymore.

Last night my brother went out and when he came home I knew that he was either drunk, stoned or both. He was all sheepish and glad to find me sitting with headphones on working on my laptop so neither of us had to make conversation. This morning he gets up and says oh shit I shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t of driven in that state. Seriously I am dealing with the mind of a teenager, what person of his age can’t either stay the night where you get in that state, call a cab, call me (putting up with my shittyness would of been better than getting DIC or worse hurting / killing someone else on our roads. What a fucken dumb arse, seriously wake the hell up. I basically got a rev up of a very similar nature before he left for work.

Later my Dad comes around to continue helping me with the fence and he mentioned that I looked tired to which I explained that I had been up very late. I told him that I was working and didn’t see the point of going to bed to be woken up again when my brother came in by the dogs barking at his entrance. I told him that I could tell my brother was either drunk or stoned and that the dickhead had even made comment that he shouldn’t drive. My Dad’s reply was that if he is any where near those drugs again he can fuck off out of this house and out of our lives he will not help him again if he has gone back to them. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was back on the drugs. I have mentioned to my Mum that he is taking them again and her reply was for God’s sake don’t tell your father, now I can see why. Now I didn’t not tell my Dad to protect my brother in fact I did not tell my Dad to protect him from the obvious pain it would cause again and from him cutting my brother out of our life. If this was to happen my Mum would be devastated as her and my brother have an amazingly close bond. There was a time that my brother was so screwed up with drugs that for years we did not know if he was dead or alive or where in the world he was. For these years there was also a sense of sadness in my mother and I could not bear to see her like that ever again.

All of this makes me hate drugs and alcohol with such a deep passion that I didn’t even realize it was there. I am an alcoholic and have no doubt that the addiction gene is so strong in my family. Someone said would your brother go to rehab and get some help, my reply a person has to first admit that they have a problem before they can accept help for it. My brothers brain is so damaged by the drugs and I know what mental games addiction can cause that I doubt he will ever be willing to get help for something he views as not a problem.

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Still sober and I’m super happy about that.

Well my brother has been living with me coming up a month now and I thought it would be really hard to have him around with his drinking. What I didn’t count on was his drinking and his smoking dope around me also. But you know what I was worried that it would make me want to drink and that I would fold and end up joining him every night for a drinking session. Instead I am super happy to say that it has actually driven my in the opposite direction.

On his first night here I brought himself a box of beer and brought me a box of cider. I am not going to lie OMG I could of sat down and drunk the whole box, talk about making your mouth water. I almost felt dizzy with the desire to crack open that first bottle. But I didn’t instead I told him that I am happy on my no drinking buzz at the moment and that I really didn’t feel like drinking right now. He was disappointed that I wouldn’t be joining him but did not push the issue. Now most nights I still look at him drinking and my damn mouth still waters lol.

But the fact that I see him drinking and smoking every night also has me thinking that I don’t want to go back to spending my nights like that anymore. I volunteer for a Facebook page that posts Lost and Found pets in the hope that we can find their owners, if I was drinking I would not be able to focus on it as well as I do. There is also another thing that stops me from reaching for the bottle and that is what I have had to go through to get to where I am now. I have experienced some of the lowest lows to the point that I did not have the energy to fight the shitty head game that comes with this addiction. I openly told a friend that I just wanted to end it all and I was serious. I didn’t want to have to keep living a life where I was having a battle in my head repeatedly everyday with one voice screaming have a drink and the other voice yelling back shut the fuck up. It was exhausting mentally and physically and I just didn’t have the energy to keep going fighting it anymore and the only way I could see myself at peace was to be dead. I can see now that drinking is what got me to that point, OMG it is so powerful how it plays tricks on your mind with your own mind. It is horrible to be full on in battle with yourself all the time, talk about feeling like a mental headcase. I never want to go back to being that low again and I can see clearly enough now to realize that if I started drinking again either that would end up killing me as my weight once again rises and my blood pressure builds up to off the charts. Mentally I would be disgusted with myself and the self loath would be huge. Even if I was able to stop again I don’t know if with the new layer of personal loathing that I would be able to deal with another more powerful round of self loathing and not kill myself this time round. I am just not prepared to let myself slip back into that bullshit again.

For anyone that is going anything that sounds remotely like the above my heart goes out to you. Please hold on the ride is shit but there really is better on the other side of it. I have now been sober for 8 months and are in a much better head space and physically my body and health are doing so much better. As I was walking my dogs early in the morning on my weekend I realized how much I love the calm of early mornings. It is like the rest of the neighborhood are still sleeping but I am out there with my two best buddies in the beautiful morning air and I feel amazingly calm and refreshed from a good sleep. I used to have crap sleeps when I was drinking with waking up through out the night and often struggling to go back to sleep until about 1/2 an hour before get up time. It was rubbish this is such a better way to start my day and I would of never of enjoyed such bliss while I was still drinking. There are so many simple things like this that make my life so much better that I just wouldn’t have had I still been drinking.

Sorry I hope this ramble to clear a bit of space in my head all makes sense as I don’t have time to proof read it tonight. But I really want to reinforce if you are suffering depression and having suicidal thoughts you are robbing yourself the chance of so many beautiful things that you are going to find as you recover. Hang in there and give me a holla I know what you are going through, I know it is fucken hard and that it feels like no one understands where you are at. You are not alone there are so many of us out here that are willing to offer you words of encouragement. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.

183 Days Sober and a few things I have learnt along the way.

I first saw the above image while at the gym and thought how true is that. If we are not happy where we are, with what we are doing, if we want to change we get a second chance every second of every day. I was so unhappy when I was drinking in the end. It was a habit and one that consumed me. I couldn’t wait to get home in the evenings and relax and unwind with my box of cider. I couldn’t really afford to drink to the excess that I did so would often purchase it by using a shop charge card. I was unwell in my mind and my body. I suffered from depression and at night would be consumed with thoughts that I would over analyze and would let minor things develop into full blown major things (in my head) that would also depress me more and had me so negative I don’t know how I survived. My body was obese, my blood pressure extreme and I won’t even go into my digestive system and how I have abused that over the 20 years I was drinking. I knew I had to change and sometimes I would scare the shit out of myself thinking I would probably die today when I knew that my blood pressure was off the chart from my drinking the night before.

I was miserable and thought that coming home and drinking myself numb each night would block that out. I don’t know why but after years of this and abusing myself something just went off in my brain and I realized that I was not getting anywhere in fact I was just heading to an early grave and things could never get better from there. I knew that I had to stop and correct myself because I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I have had shitty things happen in my life and there are still things that I don’t know how to deal with BUT I am the only one that could change the direction of my life and make it a more enjoyable life to be living. The major changes I have made so far is I have been sober for 183 days now and believe me every second of that counts. I still have moments often where I really, really REALLY want to drink. I have lost a lot of the excess weight through not drinking AND by joining a gym. I LOVE weight lifting and I LOVE cardio and the feeling of having a much healthier body is amazing. Every time I have thoughts that I really want to drink I stop myself by thinking I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I just don’t want to start back at day one, hour one, it is just to hard. I often wonder if I can just buy a 6 pack and just give myself one night with that nice buzz going on. But then I think about the fact if I give myself permission to do that I will give myself permission again and again until I am right back where I started. I am also happy waking up and not feeling like crap with the dry horrors, furry tongue, headache and most times a bad tummy. I want a drink but not as much as I don’t ever want to feel like that because I have drunk again.

Now for a few things I have learnt along the way that has worked for me, please remember everyone’s journey is different and I am not saying hey do this it will help you but it might help you.

Vitamins – I now take vitamin C, B, Multivitamin and Magnesium Complex every day.

Listening to Self Help Pod Casts and Reading Self Help Books – really didn’t help me at all and instead made me over analyze things that had happened in my past and dwell on them way to much. I do not want to give negative things in my past anymore of my time, they are history I can not change them but I have learnt from them and that’s it. Slamming the door on them.

Exercise does help – I love the gym but I find even something as simple as going for a walk is so good for the soul and the body.

Blogging – An amazing tool that helps you get the stuff that is rattling around in your brain out. It is amazing how somethings are just better out and written down. By blogging somewhere like here you can find an amazing support group of people that are dealing with the same sort of shit everyday.

My mind wanders all over the place and has trouble staying focused on anything for a long period of time. Guess what this is normal for people with addictions. Even now my mind is still all over the place but I would say that it is improving and I can focus more at work.

Being Uncomfortable – If things make you uncomfortable e.g. our work Xmas party, I just don’t do them. Not this year maybe next year when I am stronger. How ever I did enjoy arriving to work the next day and seeing the sorry state of some of the party goers, sadistic? maybe 🙂

Sleep – sleep is good. I have been abusing my body for so long that no wonder it is exhausted. Now I am making it exercise and not giving it the poison it has run on for the last 20 years. It deserves a break and resting is not always being lazy it is giving it a break and letting it recharge.

Your mind will come up with some really good arguments as to why you should have a drink. Once again remember it has been working with alcohol or drugs fueling it. It is going to take a while for it to settle down and learn what the new normal is.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down all the time. I find myself calling myself a dumbarse often now I pull myself up for that.

No matter who you are or what you have done so far in your life remember ‘You decide every moment of every day: Who you are & What you believe in. You get a second chance, every second.” If you don’t like it, change it for yourself.

Reasons Why My Life Is Better Sober

1. There is pride in every day I add to my total of being sober (currently at day 105).

2. I have only had to put out my recycle bin once since stopping drinking (sorry I had to mention it here).

3. Not being afraid of the phone going at night and answering it and having the person notice my slur.

4. My blood pressure is the lowest I can remember for years.

5. I enjoy mornings now.

6. I enjoy sober sleep, it is so much better than sleep fueled with alcohol.

7. Taking the time to cook much healthier meals.

8. My dog’s life has improved as I am able to focus on playing with him at night rather than get annoyed with him because I want him to leave me alone to have my drink.

9. Both my dog’s enjoy going for walk’s after work that is a walk for them giving them time to stop and smell whatever they want on the way without me hurrying them up so I can get home to crack open a bottle.

10. My life in more productive.

11. Having the ability to drive somewhere when ever I want and not having to stop to think how much I have had to drink first.

12. Losing friends that don’t support my sober life.

13. Losing weight.

14. Getting up at 5.30am to go to the gym before work.

15. Not having the stress of making my wages last long enough to support my drinking habit from pay day to pay day.

16. Having this blog.

17. Having the support of others because of this blog.

18. Having the support of a friend in my decision not to drink.

19. Not having to get up to piss numerous times through out the night.

20. Reading a book from start to finish.

21. Walking the dogs without getting short of breath.

22. Not being embarrassed putting out my full re-cycle bin and putting the few non-alcohol related items on top in a pathetic attempt to cover all the bottles below.

23. Actually knowing when I am tired and needing to go to bed.

24. Not waking up on the couch, cold and stumble to bed.

25. Not disturbing the sleeping dogs by getting up all the time for another bottle.

26. Watching a TV series and actually keeping up with what is happening.

27. Having goals in my life now.

28. ……. there is more and I am now finding them every day.

Day 36 – Alcohol, dear alcohol you are not part of my plans anymore AND I AM NOT SORRY.

Well hello fellow bloggers how are you all doing? How are your journeys going, I enjoy reading about your travels on this road of sobriety as it helps me while I travel my own path.

Here I am Day 36 and still sober and I want to thank each and everyone of you that said hang in there you will start to feel better after a month. Well I do feel like I am making progress and there have been a few things I measure this by and thank for it.

Last Sunday night I was in bed tucked up ready to thank the world for all my blessings before saying night, night to it and all of a sudden a thought hit me totally out of the blue. On weekends I normally do not work (as in paid employment that is, we all know we have all those other jobs and tasks to complete) and I always try to take my dogs to a puppy play date at our local park. This is where a few of us locals all with smaller breed dogs meet up at a set time for our dogs to play and burn off their energy while learning great socializing skills. Not only does it have benefits for all the dogs but I know for myself and for many others there that it is also great for our own socializing skills and I enjoy it just as much as my dogs. Anyway once again I am getting off the point (sorry my mind still wanders, sometimes right off out of the room) ANYWAYS when I was walking my dogs back home afterwards I would always smile and think about getting home and cracking open my ciders and relaxing for the rest of my evening. It was a ritual, jobs & tasks, puppy play date followed by home and crack open a cider while preparing dinner for my dogs and myself. Then I would blob out for the rest of the evening relaxing and drinking the night away. This time it wasn’t until I was in bed that I thought to myself HOLY SHIT I DID NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING HOME AND HAVING THAT DRINK. I HAD COOKED DINNER, EATEN AND WATCHED SOME TV WHILE POSTING LOST & FOUND PETS ON A FACEBOOK PAGE I VOLUNTEER FOR AND THEN GONE TO BED. I HAD NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A DRINK, NOT ONCE UNTIL I RESTED IN BED AND THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL DAY. Well I just about shot out of bed out of shock from realizing the fact, holy cow I didn’t think that it was possible. Well I don’t think I am bringing it up in my thoughts as often so that is a huge step forward for me.

My recycle bin, come on you know I couldn’t go without mentioning the Recycle Bin it signifies so much for me. Well once again it did not get put out to the kerb (might have to next week) and it now holds – 9 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 2 X Conditioner Bottle’s 1 x Empty Tomatoes Tin & 1 x Disinfectant Bottle. It is sitting on 3/4 full now so this is a massive improvement on my almost overflowing bin I used to put out that had a couple of things in it that were not alcohol and they were always on top (as if it would hide what a pisshead I was lol  was I stupid). My recycle bin tells a story about the new chapter in my life all on its own.

There is something else that I am really enjoying here now that I have decided to not drink and that is I do not put myself through the stress of trying to balance an already tight budget and make a huge portion of it available to make sure I have enough alcohol to last me through to the next pay day. Seriously this fortnight I have my house rates, dog registration, car registration, warrant of fitness for my car, my car needing 2 new tyres before it will get that warrant of fitness. The following fortnight I have a BIG power bill from trying to keep warm and wash and dry my clothes during the storm along with my insurances due as well. Fuck My Life normally this would drive me to drink but not this time. This time I am thinking thank god I am not drinking otherwise I would have a huge panic going on right now trying to work out how I could pay all of these and still eat for the fortnight. It is going to be tight and hard because I have no savings thanks to guzzling them all down my throat but this also has me focused. I don’t want to go back to drinking and be living from pay day to pay day like I am now. I want to focus and when I get these bills all sorted my next plan is to focus on paying off my personal loan and THEN build up a savings account for months like these. And ALCOHOL dear alcohol you just don’t fit into the plan and I AM NOT SORRY.