I shudder now when I think back to my drinking days when I actually believed that I didn’t have a problem. Well actually I still didn’t believe it for a while after I stopped drinking. Seriously now that I am living a sober life how could I of not seen that I was an alcoholic?? It is so blindingly obvious now and to think that I thought I just had a faulty off switch but that I was really still under control is well I was going to say laughable but it’s not funny. Let me share with you one of my “episodes” where I partied like it was 1999 and thought it was just living life to the full.
I started the party with beers and it was at a friends place out of town and I was staying the night so knew that I didn’t have to worry about driving home that night. We were all going pretty hard starting early in the afternoon with great music and a BBQ on a beautiful sunny day. I was functionally pissed from my beers and upped my game by switching onto Sambuca. Didn’t waste my time with a glass just drank it straight out of the bottle, yummy yum (that would of been what I was thinking) I remember being fucken hilarious (I was probably more like a pain in the arse that they weren’t laughing with but at if I think about it now). At some stage I can’t remember if I dropped the bottle or if I whacked the bottom on something but the base cracked. My friend helped me out and rather than letting it all go to waste we emptied it into a preserving jar and I just kept on drinking out of that. Now at some stage I must of wandered off, I probably just wanted peace because I reach a level like that were I just have to get away from people. We think (notice the think) that I went up the road to a reserve and the reason we think that is what I did was the injuries that I came back with. Anyway I have absolutely no idea where I went nor what I did I hope that I passed out somewhere and slept but God only knows. What ever I got up to I arrived home later that night and I was filthy and a rambling drunk. My friend suggested chucking me into the shower to sober up and for some reason I liked that idea and just started stripping off, yep right in the room with people in it. Thank goodness for my friend as lucky for me she jumped up and pushed me into the bathroom and into the shower. I have no idea how long she left me in there nor how I got from there to the spare bed but I did.
The next day I woke up feeling like absolute crap & in pain and the thought of the long drive home just didn’t feel like an option. The pain was coming from my legs and when my friend came in and looked at them they were black with bruising all up the shins. Now these injuries are mainly why they think I must of gone up to the reserve, you see there are cattle grates that you have to get across and they reckon in my state I must of fallen in them. It would of jammed my legs as I fell through, it would also help explain why I was so filthy. Everyone decided that they would go to the beach and do some swimming and drinking. I thought oh well the drive to the beach wasn’t anywhere near as far as home and a swim would feel so good. That’s right, not at all proud of myself now and didn’t give it a second thought I drove and I still would of been drunk for sure. Once at the beach they all started to crack open the beers again, I just could not face it at all and decided to go for a swim. I felt so ill, the beach was full of people and there was really no where for me to go for a spew. I swam and swam way out deep where there was no one and I spewed and kept on spewing. I remember I had to keep diving under the surface and swimming further over so I wasn’t surrounded by my own spew. I really have no idea how the hell I didn’t drown on that day. I am a good swimmer but not when I’m drunk, hung over and with fucked legs. In the afternoon we all went back to my friends so they could get stuck in drinking again. I was due home by then and knew that my ex would be furious that I hadn’t come home in the morning so I drove home instead, shit I doubt I would of been able to drink anymore anyway!!!!
That was one example of my “problem drinking” and it was a bad one, I suffered from a true black out and there is a period that I will never know what happened. I do know that I had to go to the doctors with my legs and after xrays it turned out that I had crushed my shins, that took a long time to heal. I think I just had quiet drinks, you know like cut back and only had 3 or 4 a night for a few nights afterwards. Hmmm and this girl didn’t think she was an alcoholic!!! Seriously I am as alcoholic as an alcoholic can be. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m an alcoholic anymore it’s just a fact.
I am now living life sober, raw & real, and thank God for that. Why go over the bad times you might be asking yourself? Because it is important that I never forget the bad times and never live with just the good memories of drinking. I have to keep it real and remember just how shit it really was.
Well today marked my eleventh month anniversary so in my normal style I am marking it by coming up with eleven reasons why being sober really does feel like magic. I have included things that ARE better and things that I am working on to be better. NONE of these would of been possible had I not given up drinking. This list is not in any particular order.
- LIFE –Living under the hazy cloud of being an alcoholic isn’t living, I was just turning up and going through the motions with very little feeling involved.
- FEELINGS- The GOOD & the BAD emotions, I’m feeling them both now and sadly it’s impossible to have one without the other but that’s okay because I am dealing with them and no longer burying them.
- FREEDOM – I was a prisoner of my own making with my drinking. Once I got home from work or that magic 5pm on the weekends happened it was time to crack open a couple of bottles (the first one always went to fast) then the next etc. After those first 2 I was always too nervous to drive anywhere (thank God) but now if I want to go somewhere I can at any time.
- AUTHENTICITY – I am working on this one this year and want to be true to myself. I simply want to be myself not what others want me to be.
- MOTIVATION – Living a life where all you do is drink, sleep, go to work repeat really sucks. Now I find myself motivated to do more and be more.
- BONDING – Okay sure you have friends when you are drinking and they can be awesome people BUT when you are an alcoholic you really do shy away from having friends because you don’t want them knowing your dirty little secret. Now I have made a few new friends who I treasure so much. We have bonded on a much deeper level because I’m not hiding anything. I’m not worried about getting away from them so I can go home and drink more on my own (don’t want them to see just what a lush I really am now).
- INTEGRITY – I believe that I have more integrity now living my life sober. If I say I am going to attend something or do something I actually turn up and do it, previously I would of found a reason to be a no show purely so I could stay home and drink.
- HONESTY – With my super duper friends I am living a life of pure honesty and it is so much easier. There are things in my past that I am not going to share with just anyone but to these Soul Sisters I am totally honest and open. It really does make things so much easier because I think it also helps them understand me and my insecurities a lot better rather than just think I’m an insecure pain in the arse they understand why I have certain traits that I do. It is so much easier being honest because I don’t have to try to remember how much have I told them etc. If they have a question they know they can ask and if I’m not comfortable answering I will explain why I can’t yet.
- CLEANLINESS – I have noticed that my house is a lot cleaner because I actually have spare time on my hands to do things like housework. I’m talking more than just the basic laundry, vacuum, wash dishes. Things that I used to just put up with now I look at and I have the energy and time to fix it.
- TIME – Without sitting here drinking every night until I pass out and then wake up feeling like crap in the morning after a terrible nights sleep I find myself with a lot more time on my hands. It is amazing, no that’s not the right word it is fucken exhausting all the time and energy put into drinking at the level I did. Not just the drinking but the time wasted dealing with the side effects of drinking. I love days when I wake up early and I love seeing the sun rise, although I don’t get to do it that often because I am also a night owl BUT now I have the option if I want to I can.
- FRIENDS – Okay I have touched on this a bit in the honesty and bonding but the best gift I have received out of going sober (apart from sobriety itself because that fucken rocks! ) is my Soul Sisters and the love we share. They know my journey and they support me, love me and are there for me. In turn I am always here for them and love them and will always be here for them because they are now my chosen Sisters. The best gift is to be needed and in turn have them be there for you. These friendships are not based on drinking and partying, in fact I have never had an alcoholic drink with any of them now I think about it. These friendships run so much deeper because we really do enjoy each others company and love deep and meaningful conversations. I don’t know about all of you but I have never had such deep friendships with my drinking buddies.
Okay excuse any typo’s in here because I really am tired but it was important that I got this done today. I have absolutely no regrets at all for deciding to live life sober and fully intend to remain sober for the rest of my life. Living life sober, raw & real is exactly how I want to live and exactly how I am living. Now I have a month to decide what I’m going to do for my 1 year sober date 🙂 I have asked 2 of the Soul Sisters if we can do something and they have both said hell yes, well not in those words but you know what I mean. Hopefully it works out because with them both going overseas having busy schedules it might not so I might have to find another way to celebrate but I can promise you right now no matter what I do I will not be touching any alcohol for this celebration and I’m bloody happy about that.
Can I just say that it is so nice hearing from you guys on here, especially when you have been absent for quite a while. I totally understand the need to break away from this if that is what your sober journey requires. For myself I have found previously that if I do that I tend to just start remembering the good parts of the drinking and then some shit has gone down. Funny but that is not the time I normally drink but afterwards, when I have held my shit together for so long just to get through what ever is happening and then at the end of it I just want to numb the hell out of life for a while. Not at all healthy I tell you but in my typical style I’m drifting off from what I was originally going to put here.
I do worry (not in a OMGosh lets fret about this sort of way) when some of you disappear for a while. I know that if I was back drinking I probably wouldn’t be on here and it’s a worry born of that, pretty shit I know thinking that but it’s a reality that is possible. Anyway a big smile comes on my face when a name that has been absent for a while makes an appearance. Take last night when “Feelings” were down and out just the kind words from someone that had been missing for a while perked me up.
Just wanted to share that because I don’t have a great deal to say tonight. Oh with relation to last nights post I am thinking maybe trying to join a gym again to A. lose the weight & B to maybe meet some new people MAYBE, I have never been a big person on let’s meet and greet in the gym I’m normally to busy working out. But we will see I’m going to look at my budget on the weekend and see if I can afford it, if not I’m walking the streets and dancing in my lounge and there ain’t nothing wrong with that. I am still sad about my friend being away for months at a time but today I found a Silver Lining in it ~ I’ve never had a person that is living in New York care about me before 🙂 silly I know but hey I am trying so hard to find positives. I think it bites so hard because the people I have got in my Tribe are either overseas or extremely busy. I know if I need them they will be there how ever they can in a heart beat and I’m exactly the same for them. A part of me wants nearby friends that aren’t always busy but another part of me doesn’t want people always popping around or wanting to hang out. Yep socially I’m more than a little bit fucked up.
Living life sober, raw & real, tonight is back to being 100% worth it. I don’t always like feeling the sad, mad type of emotions but I feel stronger for working through them. I really do love my friends and thank them so much for putting up with my shit as I first break down and crumble and then are still with me as I start to see the positives again. I really can carry on like Cookie Monster after someone ate his cookies!! XOX
One thing I always try to do on here is share the good days and the bad. I don’t want people to think that I trot around on a unicorn and shit rainbows everywhere because that just doesn’t happen. The good days are far out weighing the bad days and I have to learn how to deal with ALL emotions without them being numbed and some suck.
First off one of my volunteers is seriously over weight to the point that she is unable to hold down a normal job. Another one of my volunteers is a personal trainer and I thought hmm what about we see if we can do a team challenge with some of them for weight loss. I was up for it cause I’m fat as and need to lose some as well and thought if enough of us do it then she will find the support good. Anyway I was thinking we would just do our own things and see how we go. Ummm no we had to provide all measurements and weight etc. The first blow of the day came from this, seriously I knew I was fat but to be told that I have 16kg’s to lose hurt like a bitch. Talk about a wave of memories of being called the fat kid, pity your the chubby kid, pity your brother is so slim it should really be the girl that is slim blah blah blah. My self esteem went crashing down.
After I sat around feeling like shit I thought okay I can do this and cranked up the X-Trainer only to find out that it’s faulty atm and needs a part replaced if what my searches found out. I have emailed the technical support for this brand asking about the problem and if there is a local service agent since it is out of warranty. Sat there thinking oh fuck me I wonder how much it’s going to cost to get it fixed since I don’t have spare money so depending on the outcome of that it might have to stay broken. Okay so now I am feeling fat and broke.
Already feeling blue I notice a friend online and think yah this will help cheer me up. This is the friend I talked about that went away overseas and I was thinking it was going to be for a long time but only ended up being for a few weeks. I asked her when she was coming back and it’s going to be in a matter of days!!! Woop, Woop yep happy mood back on for a few minutes and then she told me that they will be off again in a few months and they might be back for a little period at the end of 2019 otherwise not until 2020. Boom my heart shattered into 1000 pieces. I fucken hate how I react when I find out she is not going to be living over here. I love her so much (like a Soul Sister) and she really has been the most understanding and supportive person I have ever meet. I have felt closer to her in the last few months than I have anyone else. I SHOULD be happy for her that things are going so well for her and her husband. I should be grateful for what time I have had with her. Instead I get all upset to the point of tears because I don’t want her to leave. When she is here if I really need her I can make contact and even make a plan to go and see her. While overseas I can’t just go for a drive and see her. We are on different time zones with her being 16 hours behind me and with work commitments for both of us and social commitments for her it can be real hard to catch up in real time. Also just over messenger I really try to keep things brief (hahhaa I’m not that good at it but tend to just cut out things). Also it’s normally evenings when I become free to chat and by that time she has long gone to bed. This is a powerful friendship for me and I love it but this side of it is proving challenging. I really don’t feel that things are shared the same when you just have a 5 minute chat here. You basically cut it down to how are you, how was your day and then it drifts off. So now I am feeling fat, broke and lonely and MISSING my friend.
I have to find positives in this and climb my way out of this sad sack hole. Maybe hey I can work on loosing the weight, staying home and not traveling to see friends means I can focus more on paying off the debt, I do get to see my friend when she comes home this time for a visit and if it wasn’t for her current life style we probably wouldn’t of ever meet. I fucken hate feeling like this, I feel like that girl up the top walking along dragging my teddy with a quivering bottom lip.
I am glad that I am living my life sober, raw and real. I could numb this all with alcohol but in the morning none of the above would of changed and I would have a hangover from hell after not drinking for so long. AND I would hate myself for drinking, fucken hate myself.
You now how with alcohol you drink the first one that fast because, you know your real thirsty and all that? Like so fast that you grab two drinks at once so you don’t have to get up again in 5 mins to grab the second one? Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking alcohol because the first one really quenches the thirst anyway and it isn’t full of ethanol (which surprisingly isn’t addictive itself) which causes a chemical reaction in our brains which in turn leads us back to wanting more & more and is one of the reasons that it turns to addiction.
You know how you keep drinking and have to keep running back and forwards to the toilet to pee (well that was how it was for me while chucking back the ciders or beers) pretty much after the third bottle you had to go each time you got up for a new bottle?Oh and if you are like me I used to get wobblier on my feet each time and I often would bang into things e.g. the door handle and then the following day think where the hell did these bruises come from. Yeah well, you don’t need to do that when your not drinking multiple alcoholic drinks. Because like I say one or some times if it’s yummy or your dehydrated two non-alcoholic drinks don’t pass through you quicker than a freight train.
You know how you would start drinking before you had cooked or prepared a meal and then you would start to really relax and instead of cooking a proper decent meal you would just think fuck it and just grab something to full the gap, well that was if you even still felt like eating. Yeah well, you can still find yourself just grabbing something quick when your not drinking alcohol lol let’s be honest here BUT you do actually take the time more often to cook and enjoy a decent meal. And as you have given up drinking and are starting to take care of yourself better the chances are it’s going to be healthier.
You know how you would start drinking and then think oh shit please don’t anyone phone or call around. I don’t think I’m slurring, oh shit am I slurring how the hell will I know if I’m slurring as my brain is numbing and it doesn’t feel like I’m slurring….. shit to scared to answer the phone or the door now incase I’m slurring. Yeah well guess what?? Now that your not drinking alcohol you can actually answer the phone or the door and not worry about that good old slurrring. Shit you can even drive a car if need be!!
These all seem like basic things but really they aren’t. To me these are all parts of the puzzle that are now fitting together that show me just how shit life was for me while drinking. Basic things, yes I agree, but they all add up to not living my life in happiness and to it’s full potential. I don’t know if this was just relevant to me or if there are others out their nodding their heads as they read this. So much wasted time I can never get back from chugging away a the bottle. I don’t want to waste time on the little things anymore. Today I am living life 100% sober and for that I am blessed.
A part of me is thinking that it’s nearing time to give some people forgiveness. But I will not be giving it to them but to myself internally. They have not asked for forgiveness nor have the apologized for what they have done. Shit I don’t believe they even know all they have done. But I need to find away to move on from my feelings. I don’t know yet if I will forgive and stay around or move on from them but I know it’s time to do either option. I will not be working on this for them this is purely for myself.
I will have to think more on this but at least this part is out of my head. I love living life sober, raw and real and feeling it all. Tonight I am full of a cold and I think back to when I was drinking and I remember even with an achy throat I would of just drank, and drank and drank a bit more. It would of stopped the body aches for a while but later during a shit sleep I would of woken up and felt even worse. Not this time round, this is another thing I am going to ride out totally sober and I’m happy about that.
Well all I can say is thank goodness Christmas day is over for me and all I can feel is relief that it is done. It was a hard day but I knew in my mind that it was only a few hours and that afterwards I would feel the weight lift from my shoulders. I am now emotionally exhausted and will be hitting bed very shortly. It is hard work hiding your emotions and putting up a happy, smiling face for others so no one knows that inside you are suffering. I am so tired and numb that I can’t even really think or maybe a better word is I can’t express the emotions I went through today.
But what I do have the energy to write about here is the fact I have been around alcohol a LOT over the last couple of weeks and I am so happy to report that I have not touched a drop. I have smelt it and started to reminisce about that initial mouth full and how it used to feel but just as quickly my thought turned to, oh fuck off how about remembering how disappointed you are with yourself every time you drink. How disappointed you are with yourself the next morning. How disappointed you are when you have to start back at day number one again. Going back to the shittest nights sleep, the heartburn, the cloudy mornings…….. yuck, yuck, yuck FUCK NO!!!! Apart from today I have enjoyed this Christmas season being absolutely 100% sober and I have NO regrets nor self hate for it.
I was also thinking today that previously I have not done anything to celebrate the one year sober mark. I know it’s not until the 4th of February and I have a bit of time to go but this time around I want to do something. I’m not sure yet, I have a couple of Soul Sisters that know about and have totally supported my sober journey this time around (they were not part of my journey on previous attempts) and maybe I just ask them if they want to go out for lunch to celebrate or something. I’m not really sure but I know that this time I want to mark it in some way.
Living life sober, raw and real is a gift and I am grabbing it with both hands.