Okay so I am sure the image at the top is to do with much deeper things than what I am about to blog about here BUT this is my blog and it sure is appropriate for me. I think I have discussed on here before about how socially awkward I am and seriously it guts me to be like this. I really am one of those people that is so much more comfortable around animals than I am with humans. I know some amazing people who have the kindest hearts but when it comes to being around them I clam up and nerves just shuts me down. I feel like I completely shut down YET have me chatting to them via Facebook messenger or text or email it is not a problem. What is it about being face to face with someone and in the case I am thinking of it was Skype for the first time with a friend that I have chatted with via Facebook for coming up a year now. On Facebook we can chat away and everything flows smoothly with a really great friendship going but once it came to being face to face I got so nervous and just shut down. I must of looked like a right fucken idiot.
No wonder I am a lonely person I am so crap at being around people and talking to the face to face to the point I even made myself feel awkward lol. I don’t know how I am going to fix this one but I have to figure out a way.
Oh on another note I am going to have to check the calendar at home but I believe that I am now over 300 days sober, woop woop amazing myself with that one. I think instead of having my brother living with me who does drink and drugs that instead of pulling me back into it my mind is in the right place and it is infact making me push it even further away. I still have moments where I think oh God I would love a drink just to sit and relax and stop dwelling on stupid shit but I now realize that it’s not actually the drink that I want it is the ability to relax and forget about my problems for a while. I have come a long way in my thinking baby!!!!
I am surrounded by people that I know love me but at the same time I am getting so damn frustrated and angry at them. I really feel the need for a friend that will just sit down and listen. I don’t need anything more than that but to just have someone listen and hear what I need to say. I need a really good girlfriend night where what we do is sit and and bitch and moan about things in our life’s that are pissing us off right now. Then we can both sit there and go “I know right” to everything we both say. I am a really good listener and have always been the friend that people come do when they feel the need to just talk and be listened too. At the moment I just need someone to take the time to listen to me and hear my struggles. Then I would love them to say “hang in there buddy this is just a bad patch and it won’t be long and you will look back and say whew I made it and things are so much better”. But no one is listening, when did it become such a rarity to stop and listen, really listen not listen while thinking about something else, not listen to the start and then cut the person off while you decide that your story needs to be told instead.
I realized that I would feel better if I reached out to a friend and just let it all out but it just isn’t working for me. I am not the sort of person that opens up to people and pours my heart out but at the moment I feel the strong need for some support. I asked 2 friends to come out to dinner and when I was asked how things where going I started to tell them and was cut off by one of the friends telling my about how she was experiencing something similar with her daughter and proceeded to go off on a 20 minute rant about it. I sat there almost in tears because it hurt and felt like what I had to say really didn’t matter. I have another friend who I have always been there for and when she is going through shit I always message her to see that she is okay and check in on her often. I ran into her the other day and she asked how things where going so I filled her in briefly on what was happening. I would of thought that this friend would of taken the time to message a couple of days later to see how things where going but a month later nothing. This one makes me feel that the friendship wasn’t as important to her as it was to me. I tried briefly at work to talk to some friends / colleges to once again be cut off as one of them went on a roll telling us all about an experience she had with her son.
Why do we do this to people? This makes me sound like a big moaner that people are sick of listening to but I can assure you that I don’t share things with people I normally as a rule keep it to myself. At the moment is a very rough patch and I feel like if I could find a shoulder to cry on I could get up shake myself off and find the strength to move on. Instead I have been left feeling flat and unloved and like I don’t matter.
Yesterday my Dad talked a bit about my brother and the situation and it was highlighted to me that my parents are both getting older now (late 70’s) and that I would probably always have to look out for my brother. We discussed that even with us pointing out to my brother that his drug taking has in fact done brain damage he simply can not see it. He does not think with the logic a normal person should and it is like living with a damn teenager even though he is 49. After hearing that fact I was seriously ready to bolt back into my teenage years myself and run away. I want to run away from the responsibility that I never asked for and I don’t want to have to be around to guide him and try to direct him in the right direction. Actually who the hell am I to think I know the direction he should take anyway?? And yet a part of me knows that this is true and that while still letting him live his life I do have to be ready to step in when required. My parents have been doing this all his life and I think they are worried that no one else will be around to do it when they pass. That and they are getting tired and don’t have the energy to deal with it all anymore.
Last night my brother went out and when he came home I knew that he was either drunk, stoned or both. He was all sheepish and glad to find me sitting with headphones on working on my laptop so neither of us had to make conversation. This morning he gets up and says oh shit I shouldn’t do that, I shouldn’t of driven in that state. Seriously I am dealing with the mind of a teenager, what person of his age can’t either stay the night where you get in that state, call a cab, call me (putting up with my shittyness would of been better than getting DIC or worse hurting / killing someone else on our roads. What a fucken dumb arse, seriously wake the hell up. I basically got a rev up of a very similar nature before he left for work.
Later my Dad comes around to continue helping me with the fence and he mentioned that I looked tired to which I explained that I had been up very late. I told him that I was working and didn’t see the point of going to bed to be woken up again when my brother came in by the dogs barking at his entrance. I told him that I could tell my brother was either drunk or stoned and that the dickhead had even made comment that he shouldn’t drive. My Dad’s reply was that if he is any where near those drugs again he can fuck off out of this house and out of our lives he will not help him again if he has gone back to them. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was back on the drugs. I have mentioned to my Mum that he is taking them again and her reply was for God’s sake don’t tell your father, now I can see why. Now I didn’t not tell my Dad to protect my brother in fact I did not tell my Dad to protect him from the obvious pain it would cause again and from him cutting my brother out of our life. If this was to happen my Mum would be devastated as her and my brother have an amazingly close bond. There was a time that my brother was so screwed up with drugs that for years we did not know if he was dead or alive or where in the world he was. For these years there was also a sense of sadness in my mother and I could not bear to see her like that ever again.
All of this makes me hate drugs and alcohol with such a deep passion that I didn’t even realize it was there. I am an alcoholic and have no doubt that the addiction gene is so strong in my family. Someone said would your brother go to rehab and get some help, my reply a person has to first admit that they have a problem before they can accept help for it. My brothers brain is so damaged by the drugs and I know what mental games addiction can cause that I doubt he will ever be willing to get help for something he views as not a problem.
Well I thought it was time I shared something positive with you all. I do apologize about all the negatives but to me coming on here and just blogging it out there and clearing it out of my head makes a huge difference. I also love the support that I get given off here so thank you all. I also have good thoughts and don’t share enough of them with you so here you go.
The other week my car got broken into while parked outside my house a night. I was inside the house at the time along with my dogs and my brother. Now an annoying thing about it all is that my dog did go off his head barking at one point. Because I am freaking out trying to stop the barking with having 3 dogs in the house I growled at him and called him inside. Silly me, poor dog being growled at when he was doing a good thing. It has not gone amiss on me that I have lived at this house for years and at no trouble ever and have always felt safe. I do believe there is a link between my brother being there and his drug taking and yep I am happy to point my finger at either his drug taking friends or his drug dealer – arseholes. I was gutted because not only did they steal my favourite sunglasses that night they also took my IPod Classic (which you can’t get anymore damnit) and a selection of CD’s. ANOTHER THING THEY STOLE THAT NIGHT WAS MY FEELING OF SECURITY! I was very upset about it all and was pissed combined sad for a week or more. Acutally everytime it was sunny I was grumpy because I didn’t have my favourite sunnies to put on only some cheap and nasty ones that hurt my nose until my insurance was sorted. hahaha I can almost hear you think where the hell is the positive out of all of this and I am getting there.
Sunglasses – No longer available in NZ 😦 thank goodness for google found exactly the same glasses in Hong Kong and from ordering they arrived within a week! Positive right there people.
CD’s – Well didn’t get to replace them becasue with my excess from the insurance company the first $250 was taken by them – Negative right there people but one that I can live with, let’s keep it in prospective there are people suffering and dieing all around the world.
IPod – As highlighted no longer available as Apple have stopped making the Classics. Now this could of been a negative but hey instead I got to think about what I would like instead from the insurance company. This got me thinking that I have always wanted to purchase my mother an IPad (I originally told her I would give her one of my old IPods to use and never got around to it). My insurance company agreed to pay out for an IPad instead and I was able to gift it to my mother. My mother was so happy she just about cried.
POSITIVE AND TURNED A NEGATIVE EVENT IN MY LIFE RIGHT AROUND TO SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME SMILE EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT IT 🙂 Mum can’t stop smiling and has already been out and purchased a cover to protect her new device. My Dad told me she doesn’t need one of those (I guarantee he will be using it within 3 months) and I told him thats not the point she may not need it but she so deserves it. I am so happy that some arsehole stole my shit and it meant that I could feel the warm fuzzies I am experiencing just by being able to give my Mum something I simply do not have the cash to purchase.
I am pretty sure that if I concentrate I can write more posts about many positive things that happen to me everyday that get over looked. Sorry I won’t be stopping the negatives as well because like I said it gets them out of my damn head. But this one made me feel so good I just had to share it with you all.
Oh and I am now on day 269, I stopped counting the days but have just done a telly to see where I am sitting and there we go 269 another positive for today 🙂 Keep rolling along my fellow bloggers this train ain’t stopping anytime soon feel free to join me on this sober journey. Its pretty awesome being more aware of what is happening around me oh and I love being able to get up early on weekends and just do nothing more simply than take my dogs for a walk and to be part of it with them. I no longer walk along in a daze that is hung over and feeling like doing it is just ticking another thing of my list for the day. A list that I had to complete to earn the next round of drinks that night. NO MORE it is one of the most awesome moments to BE with them and enjoy the walk just as much as they do.
OMGosh I can be such a bitch with a sarcastic tongue that has a venom that slaps out. Sometimes I am shocked myself by the level of my inner bitterness. I have a side that can be so loving and compassionate and yet another side that is so angry it is like living with Jekyl and Hyde. I am working so hard on trying to tame the inner bitch but it just comes out and bitch slaps me so hard. I can feel it coming with a grumpiness that starts to boil over into just being a bitch.
I know my trigger and it is drugs and alcohol. I have become this person that has no tolerance for people that participate in either and become very judgmental of them for their choices. I am pissed with my brother for still taking drugs and I am tense when around him while he is drinking. I am pissed with the person who is selling him the drugs and suspect that it is a person at our work who is selling it to him (yes we currently live together but we also work together, not healthy). I am pissed with the ones that are uses at work as if they have had an evening together they really do have a I can’t be fucked day at work. You would think that my boss would be unhappy with this but he also partakes in this behavior. Out of my 4 bosses that I have had in the past 12 years 2 of them have been drug takers and one was without doubt an alcoholic.
Anyway focusing back on the problem I hate my inner bitchiness and that sarcasm that comes with it. Why the hell can’t I just relax and let people live their lives the way they want to and not be such a judgmental cow? If there is a part of our character that we hate why is it so hard to just stop it? It is so rude and also it is tiring wasting my energy judging others and being shitty.
Well it’s been a while since I have been on here again my life has just got so busy I often feel like I am swimming against the current.
My brother is still living with me and things aren’t honkey dorey with that situation. I love my brother but it is not healthy for me living with him. He has his own addiction problem with drinking and smoking tobacco and drugs. I find myself very uptight when he is around and I can smell his rum, I am not sure if it is super strong or if my senses have gone off the scale now that I don’t drink. I get pissed off when the stink of his cigarettes drift into my house, once again being an ex smoker I am probably the worst to be around because now I can’t stand the smell. The drugs I hate with a passion as there is a very long story that goes with my brothers history of drug taking mixed with a broken family, police and judges. I also hate the fact that when he tries to chat with me at night I find myself giving blunt replies because I am not sure if he is stoned and talking shit or if he just thinks on another level to me. I also feel trapped because if I was to ask him to leave he would not have any where to go but to my parents house which I could not do to them as they are getting older now and have health issues of their own to deal with.
I know one thing for sure and that is for the months that I have been and still am sober there is no way in hell I want to go back to my addiction. The first few months of recovery where a living hell. I seriously reached the point that to stop the craziness in my head I really wanted to just kill myself and have a rest from the bullshit. I know this time around that if I was to start drinking again I have no idea how I would find the strength to pull myself through those feelings again. Also I think the feelings would be even stronger because I would be so gutted with myself for starting up again that I would be in an even worse position than ever.
How the hell can I find a way to escape the madness I am living with at the moment? I don’t even seem to have the energy to go to the gym which is stupid as I worked so hard to achieve what I did in the last few months. It is like the life is being sucked out of me, I need to find a way to motivate myself out of this and not let it drag me down.
Well my brother has been living with me coming up a month now and I thought it would be really hard to have him around with his drinking. What I didn’t count on was his drinking and his smoking dope around me also. But you know what I was worried that it would make me want to drink and that I would fold and end up joining him every night for a drinking session. Instead I am super happy to say that it has actually driven my in the opposite direction.
On his first night here I brought himself a box of beer and brought me a box of cider. I am not going to lie OMG I could of sat down and drunk the whole box, talk about making your mouth water. I almost felt dizzy with the desire to crack open that first bottle. But I didn’t instead I told him that I am happy on my no drinking buzz at the moment and that I really didn’t feel like drinking right now. He was disappointed that I wouldn’t be joining him but did not push the issue. Now most nights I still look at him drinking and my damn mouth still waters lol.
But the fact that I see him drinking and smoking every night also has me thinking that I don’t want to go back to spending my nights like that anymore. I volunteer for a Facebook page that posts Lost and Found pets in the hope that we can find their owners, if I was drinking I would not be able to focus on it as well as I do. There is also another thing that stops me from reaching for the bottle and that is what I have had to go through to get to where I am now. I have experienced some of the lowest lows to the point that I did not have the energy to fight the shitty head game that comes with this addiction. I openly told a friend that I just wanted to end it all and I was serious. I didn’t want to have to keep living a life where I was having a battle in my head repeatedly everyday with one voice screaming have a drink and the other voice yelling back shut the fuck up. It was exhausting mentally and physically and I just didn’t have the energy to keep going fighting it anymore and the only way I could see myself at peace was to be dead. I can see now that drinking is what got me to that point, OMG it is so powerful how it plays tricks on your mind with your own mind. It is horrible to be full on in battle with yourself all the time, talk about feeling like a mental headcase. I never want to go back to being that low again and I can see clearly enough now to realize that if I started drinking again either that would end up killing me as my weight once again rises and my blood pressure builds up to off the charts. Mentally I would be disgusted with myself and the self loath would be huge. Even if I was able to stop again I don’t know if with the new layer of personal loathing that I would be able to deal with another more powerful round of self loathing and not kill myself this time round. I am just not prepared to let myself slip back into that bullshit again.
For anyone that is going anything that sounds remotely like the above my heart goes out to you. Please hold on the ride is shit but there really is better on the other side of it. I have now been sober for 8 months and are in a much better head space and physically my body and health are doing so much better. As I was walking my dogs early in the morning on my weekend I realized how much I love the calm of early mornings. It is like the rest of the neighborhood are still sleeping but I am out there with my two best buddies in the beautiful morning air and I feel amazingly calm and refreshed from a good sleep. I used to have crap sleeps when I was drinking with waking up through out the night and often struggling to go back to sleep until about 1/2 an hour before get up time. It was rubbish this is such a better way to start my day and I would of never of enjoyed such bliss while I was still drinking. There are so many simple things like this that make my life so much better that I just wouldn’t have had I still been drinking.
Sorry I hope this ramble to clear a bit of space in my head all makes sense as I don’t have time to proof read it tonight. But I really want to reinforce if you are suffering depression and having suicidal thoughts you are robbing yourself the chance of so many beautiful things that you are going to find as you recover. Hang in there and give me a holla I know what you are going through, I know it is fucken hard and that it feels like no one understands where you are at. You are not alone there are so many of us out here that are willing to offer you words of encouragement. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.
Well counting the days didn’t seem as important anymore and before I knew it day 200 had passed and I didn’t even realize it or celebrate it. I am going through a period of struggle. I am struggling with strong urges that I really want to try drinking again. I want to be able to have a beer and a good chat while chilling and just hanging out together. I want to have an ice cold cider at the end of some of the hot, hot days and nights we are currently having.
I am struggling a bit with the fact my brother is going to be moving in sometime in the next 7 days. I am struggling with wanting to tell him that I don’t want him drinking in my house. He is so stressed and upset about it all and called in the other day to borrow the trailer. When he came back he brought a beer with him and made the comment about how great it will be to be able to keep some cold beers in the fridge again. This is something he is not allowed to do in his current home as his wife is an alcoholic and will not let alcohol into the home. I feel so sorry for him at the moment as he is leaving a family he loves and a home that he loves and really want him to be able to come here and relax and have a beer or two when he wants to. I don’t want my drinking problem to become his problem
There is something else I am really struggling with in my life at the moment to and I have decided to put it out there for you all. Some of you might leave and some might feel uncomfortable about it but I have decided that this is my blog, my feelings, my thoughts and my life. If it makes you uncomfortable it is not my business and if you leave this blog that is absolutely your right and once again not my business. Anyway I think you get what I am saying here I am sorry if this is to much for some of you but here in the blog I have been totally open and honest. As far as I know none of my friends or family are here amongst us and I feel that it is the one place I can be honest about who, what, how I am.
I do not know if I am gay or if I am bi-sexual. I have no idea how many other people battle with this one in their live and I can say that trying to cope with it is at present agony. I had a so called normal, straight relationship for 14 years and it was great for the first 10 before it turned to crap because of booze and drugs. My ex was into both and I am so lucky that mine was only the booze the drugs just never did it for me. Anyway that is side tracking even while in that relationship I have had an interest in ladies. I have never been with a lady in that way but certainly know that I could happily make love to a person that I am truly in love with and feel the same from. To me it doesn’t seem to matter what sex a person is if I love them, I love them and want to make love to the to express this love. I would not be upset with what sex I feel in love with if it was the right person and we where in love. Does this make me a bad person? I don’t think so but am I ready to tell people about this? Oh hell no, what would be the point when I have no idea if I will ever take these feelings any further. But I do know this for sure even the fact that I feel like this totally fucks with my head but I have come to realize it is who I am. I think I have always known this about myself and have chosen to be alone for over a decade now because I don’t know what the hell to do with these feelings or where to go to if I did want to do anything anyway. To me I am living in a mental hell and I think that is why if there was one tattoo I would get it would simply be “Emancipate Youself” but then I would probably have underneath “If only someone could tell me how!”
I just had to share this with you all. It is from a great blog that I follow and I have included the line to go to their site if you want to. This is just the first 5 but the give 27 in total –
- Start learning to be more human again. – Gadgets are great, but they can get in the way if you aren’t careful. Control them so they don’t control you. In other words, put down the phone. Don’t avoid eye contact. Don’t hide behind a screen. Ask about people’s stories. Listen. And smile together.
- Start filtering out the noise in your life. – Be careful about who you give the microphone and stage to in your life. Don’t just listen to the loudest voice. Listen to the truest one.
- Start choosing differently, for your own well-being. – A big part of your life is a result of the little choices you make every day. If you don’t like some part of your life, it’s time to start tweaking things and making better choices, right now, right where you are.
- Start being way more productive than you are busy. – There’s a big difference between being busy and being productive. Don’t confuse motion and progress. A rocking horse keeps moving but never makes any forward progress. In other words…
- Start dedicating time every day to meaningful activities. – What you do every day matters, but WHY you do what you do matters even more. So quit doing just what you’re able to do; figure out what you were made to do, and then do more of it. And if you only have fifteen minutes a day to spare, no problem – make those fifteen minutes meaningful.
It is from Marc and Angel Hack Life and I have been following it for a while with daily emails that really do get me thinking. Hope some of you enjoy it and find it helpful as well –
Is it just me or have others of you found that by reading self help books you finish them and you are more fucked up than before you read them? Seriously I have had stuff happen in my life that if I wanted to sit there and feel bad about for the rest of my life I could. But by doing that I would be missing out on getting on with life and hopefully stumbling across something wonderful. I just find that these books, oh and pod casts that I thought might help me to improve myself on my journey actually make me dwell on the negatives that have happened in my life instead of focusing on the zillion amazing blessings that I have had and still get in my life. I am going to stop reading and listening to them and see what happens.
If you are someone that has found them helpful in your journey I think that is wonderful but I just am not finding that.