Tag Archives: giving up alcohol

Way Over Due For A POSITIVE Post

I seem to use my blog to get out the negative, crazy and embarrassing things that rattle around in my head and often forget to just breath and let you all know that there is also so much in my life to be grateful for.  I have many, many blessings in my life and spend way to much time deep in thought pondering over shit that matters but really shouldn’t take up so much space in my head. Could explain why it’s here in my blogging world as purely a way to get it out and move on. Anyways moving on time for a moment to share some of my blessings with you all.

  1. I am over 300 days sober now (I think I will confirm that when I get home and look at my calendar).
  2. I am so grateful that even with the mind of an addict I have managed to stay on my goal and am still sober.
  3. Okay I am not going to start all of these with I am so please take that as a given. Attended my first work party since going sober and am a happy sober day after person now 🙂
  4. Happy that I got to offer to be sober driver to make sure everyone would get home safely.
  5. Deepest love in my life is my dog’s and now that I am living sober I am even more aware of their amazing natures and the deepest love that I have for them.
  6. So happy that I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge for the dog’s and myself, power, phone and electricity.
  7. I still haven’t mastered how to make my pay last from pay-day to pay-day and end up robbing Peter to pay Paul, but at least I have a Peter to help out Paul! Previously Peter would have already have been broke after finding funds to feed my addiction. So I have Peter to fall back on and the next aim is to not need Peter, baby steps here.
  8. I still have a bloody good job that pays a reasonable wage.
  9. My parents are nearing their 80’s but are still in reasonable health.
  10. I have a volunteer job that I work on in evenings and weekends and I love it.
  11. Ice Cream, I have Ice Cream in my life. Now that one might seem a bit random to some of you in amongst all of this but picture this – I have food allergies and can not eat anything containing wheat, gluten or dairy. For years I have not had Ice Cream or Chocolate and now I have found a form of both that I can have. PLEASE don’t ponder what is actually in them and to people who can have the real version it probably taste yuck but to me I am in heaven when I eat them.
  12. Painkillers, I have a problem with a disc in my upper back at the moment and without pain killers it feels like someone is stabbing a hot poker in there.
  13. Friends, I have some amazing friends around me that I need to learn to communicate with better and I need to learn how to ask them for help more.
  14. My car, it is nothing flash in fact I would call in a Nana vehicle but oh my I would be lost without it.
  15. My freedom, you know when I watch TV and I see the poor people in war-torn countries my heart breaks for them. The fear on their tired faces is unforgettable.
  16. The country that I was born in and live in, New Zealand is a really amazing beautiful part of the world to be in.
  17. My health which I never take for granted, I have officially died on an operating table and the life that I was living before that was one of repeated illness and pain. Now when I make it through the day well and without pain (apart from my back) I am so blessed.
  18. This blog as it has become the place where I can just be me and ramble out what ever random shit I feel like with no guilt, shame, embarrassment or nervousness.
  19. Music, there is pretty much always music close by if not on with me I can’t even imagine being without it.
  20. stubbornness, okay that is a weird thing to put on this list but without it I would not be where I am in live right now.

If you are still here thanks for reading it all the way though, some of what is on here is so basic but if I was to remove any part from my life the hole would be huge.

Stay strong and every so often please sit back and count your blessings. XOXOXOXO

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Stepping Out Of Your Comfort Zone

Okay so I am sure the image at the top is to do with much deeper things than what I am about to blog about here BUT this is my blog and it sure is appropriate for me. I think I have discussed on here before about how socially awkward I am and seriously it guts me to be like this. I really am one of those people that is so much more comfortable around animals than I am with humans. I know some amazing people who have the kindest hearts but when it comes to being around them I clam up and nerves just shuts me down. I feel like I completely shut down YET have me chatting to them via Facebook messenger or text or email it is not a problem.  What is it about being face to face with someone and in the case I am thinking of it was Skype for the first time with a friend that I have chatted with via Facebook for coming up a year now. On Facebook we can chat away and everything flows smoothly with a really great friendship going but once it came to being face to face I got so nervous and just shut down. I must of looked like a right fucken idiot.

No wonder I am a lonely person I am so crap at being around people and talking to the face to face to the point I even made myself feel awkward lol. I don’t know how I am going to fix this one but I have to figure out a way.

Oh on another note I am going to have to check the calendar at home but I believe that I am now over 300 days sober, woop woop amazing myself with that one. I think instead of having my brother living with me who does drink and drugs that instead of pulling me back into it my mind is in the right place and it is infact making me push it even further away. I still have moments where I think oh God I would love a drink just to sit and relax and stop dwelling on stupid shit but I now realize that it’s not actually the drink that I want it is the ability to relax and forget about my problems for a while. I have come a long way in my thinking baby!!!!

183 Days Sober and a few things I have learnt along the way.

I first saw the above image while at the gym and thought how true is that. If we are not happy where we are, with what we are doing, if we want to change we get a second chance every second of every day. I was so unhappy when I was drinking in the end. It was a habit and one that consumed me. I couldn’t wait to get home in the evenings and relax and unwind with my box of cider. I couldn’t really afford to drink to the excess that I did so would often purchase it by using a shop charge card. I was unwell in my mind and my body. I suffered from depression and at night would be consumed with thoughts that I would over analyze and would let minor things develop into full blown major things (in my head) that would also depress me more and had me so negative I don’t know how I survived. My body was obese, my blood pressure extreme and I won’t even go into my digestive system and how I have abused that over the 20 years I was drinking. I knew I had to change and sometimes I would scare the shit out of myself thinking I would probably die today when I knew that my blood pressure was off the chart from my drinking the night before.

I was miserable and thought that coming home and drinking myself numb each night would block that out. I don’t know why but after years of this and abusing myself something just went off in my brain and I realized that I was not getting anywhere in fact I was just heading to an early grave and things could never get better from there. I knew that I had to stop and correct myself because I am responsible for my actions, no one else. I have had shitty things happen in my life and there are still things that I don’t know how to deal with BUT I am the only one that could change the direction of my life and make it a more enjoyable life to be living. The major changes I have made so far is I have been sober for 183 days now and believe me every second of that counts. I still have moments often where I really, really REALLY want to drink. I have lost a lot of the excess weight through not drinking AND by joining a gym. I LOVE weight lifting and I LOVE cardio and the feeling of having a much healthier body is amazing. Every time I have thoughts that I really want to drink I stop myself by thinking I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I just don’t want to start back at day one, hour one, it is just to hard. I often wonder if I can just buy a 6 pack and just give myself one night with that nice buzz going on. But then I think about the fact if I give myself permission to do that I will give myself permission again and again until I am right back where I started. I am also happy waking up and not feeling like crap with the dry horrors, furry tongue, headache and most times a bad tummy. I want a drink but not as much as I don’t ever want to feel like that because I have drunk again.

Now for a few things I have learnt along the way that has worked for me, please remember everyone’s journey is different and I am not saying hey do this it will help you but it might help you.

Vitamins – I now take vitamin C, B, Multivitamin and Magnesium Complex every day.

Listening to Self Help Pod Casts and Reading Self Help Books – really didn’t help me at all and instead made me over analyze things that had happened in my past and dwell on them way to much. I do not want to give negative things in my past anymore of my time, they are history I can not change them but I have learnt from them and that’s it. Slamming the door on them.

Exercise does help – I love the gym but I find even something as simple as going for a walk is so good for the soul and the body.

Blogging – An amazing tool that helps you get the stuff that is rattling around in your brain out. It is amazing how somethings are just better out and written down. By blogging somewhere like here you can find an amazing support group of people that are dealing with the same sort of shit everyday.

My mind wanders all over the place and has trouble staying focused on anything for a long period of time. Guess what this is normal for people with addictions. Even now my mind is still all over the place but I would say that it is improving and I can focus more at work.

Being Uncomfortable – If things make you uncomfortable e.g. our work Xmas party, I just don’t do them. Not this year maybe next year when I am stronger. How ever I did enjoy arriving to work the next day and seeing the sorry state of some of the party goers, sadistic? maybe 🙂

Sleep – sleep is good. I have been abusing my body for so long that no wonder it is exhausted. Now I am making it exercise and not giving it the poison it has run on for the last 20 years. It deserves a break and resting is not always being lazy it is giving it a break and letting it recharge.

Your mind will come up with some really good arguments as to why you should have a drink. Once again remember it has been working with alcohol or drugs fueling it. It is going to take a while for it to settle down and learn what the new normal is.

Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and putting yourself down all the time. I find myself calling myself a dumbarse often now I pull myself up for that.

No matter who you are or what you have done so far in your life remember ‘You decide every moment of every day: Who you are & What you believe in. You get a second chance, every second.” If you don’t like it, change it for yourself.

Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

Day 36 – Alcohol, dear alcohol you are not part of my plans anymore AND I AM NOT SORRY.

Well hello fellow bloggers how are you all doing? How are your journeys going, I enjoy reading about your travels on this road of sobriety as it helps me while I travel my own path.

Here I am Day 36 and still sober and I want to thank each and everyone of you that said hang in there you will start to feel better after a month. Well I do feel like I am making progress and there have been a few things I measure this by and thank for it.

Last Sunday night I was in bed tucked up ready to thank the world for all my blessings before saying night, night to it and all of a sudden a thought hit me totally out of the blue. On weekends I normally do not work (as in paid employment that is, we all know we have all those other jobs and tasks to complete) and I always try to take my dogs to a puppy play date at our local park. This is where a few of us locals all with smaller breed dogs meet up at a set time for our dogs to play and burn off their energy while learning great socializing skills. Not only does it have benefits for all the dogs but I know for myself and for many others there that it is also great for our own socializing skills and I enjoy it just as much as my dogs. Anyway once again I am getting off the point (sorry my mind still wanders, sometimes right off out of the room) ANYWAYS when I was walking my dogs back home afterwards I would always smile and think about getting home and cracking open my ciders and relaxing for the rest of my evening. It was a ritual, jobs & tasks, puppy play date followed by home and crack open a cider while preparing dinner for my dogs and myself. Then I would blob out for the rest of the evening relaxing and drinking the night away. This time it wasn’t until I was in bed that I thought to myself HOLY SHIT I DID NOT THINK ABOUT GETTING HOME AND HAVING THAT DRINK. I HAD COOKED DINNER, EATEN AND WATCHED SOME TV WHILE POSTING LOST & FOUND PETS ON A FACEBOOK PAGE I VOLUNTEER FOR AND THEN GONE TO BED. I HAD NOT EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT HAVING A DRINK, NOT ONCE UNTIL I RESTED IN BED AND THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT IT ALL DAY. Well I just about shot out of bed out of shock from realizing the fact, holy cow I didn’t think that it was possible. Well I don’t think I am bringing it up in my thoughts as often so that is a huge step forward for me.

My recycle bin, come on you know I couldn’t go without mentioning the Recycle Bin it signifies so much for me. Well once again it did not get put out to the kerb (might have to next week) and it now holds – 9 X Soda Bottles, 3 X Cleaning Product Bottles, 1 X Shampoo Bottle and 2 X Conditioner Bottle’s 1 x Empty Tomatoes Tin & 1 x Disinfectant Bottle. It is sitting on 3/4 full now so this is a massive improvement on my almost overflowing bin I used to put out that had a couple of things in it that were not alcohol and they were always on top (as if it would hide what a pisshead I was lol  was I stupid). My recycle bin tells a story about the new chapter in my life all on its own.

There is something else that I am really enjoying here now that I have decided to not drink and that is I do not put myself through the stress of trying to balance an already tight budget and make a huge portion of it available to make sure I have enough alcohol to last me through to the next pay day. Seriously this fortnight I have my house rates, dog registration, car registration, warrant of fitness for my car, my car needing 2 new tyres before it will get that warrant of fitness. The following fortnight I have a BIG power bill from trying to keep warm and wash and dry my clothes during the storm along with my insurances due as well. Fuck My Life normally this would drive me to drink but not this time. This time I am thinking thank god I am not drinking otherwise I would have a huge panic going on right now trying to work out how I could pay all of these and still eat for the fortnight. It is going to be tight and hard because I have no savings thanks to guzzling them all down my throat but this also has me focused. I don’t want to go back to drinking and be living from pay day to pay day like I am now. I want to focus and when I get these bills all sorted my next plan is to focus on paying off my personal loan and THEN build up a savings account for months like these. And ALCOHOL dear alcohol you just don’t fit into the plan and I AM NOT SORRY.

 

Well this staying sober ain’t easy, I’ll say that much.

Okay here we are I am now at day 19 and shit it isn’t easy. The pull from my addiction with alcohol is a strong beast that try’s many tactics to try to get me to drink again. There are just so many reasons that I could use everyday to go out and buy a box of cider and then sit there drinking it all the while beating myself up for giving into it.

At the moment we are suffering big storms with strong winds and days of heavy rain that just doesn’t seem to want to stop. I have been frightened at night listening to the sounds in the dark that you just can’t see what is causing them. I have damage around my property with section’s of my fence blown out along with damaged and blown over tree’s. There isn’t much I can do about it all until Mother Nature decides to calm down but I am so grateful that my house is staying intact (other’s are not so lucky) and that my pets and myself are okay (once again other’s are not so lucky).

Work is practically stressful and busy with  it once being effected by the weather are staffing levels being low because of people not being able to make it to work through the flooding. I work in the retail industry and customers that come in are stressed because they to have been affected by the storm and being short staffed in a store just annoys them more.

Anyway all of the above along with the headaches are making this week a bit of a long haul with my mind going into overdrive of a million reasons why I deserve to have a drink. I am hanging on for life to the thought that if I just have one it will lead to another and another and I will be right back at the beginning getting ready to start God Damn Day One Again!!!!! Also I worry about going into such a deep sleep in my alcohol fueled state that if something bad happens because of the storm during the night I would have real problems coping with it.

I am reading a book all about fighting alcohol addiction with the help of vitamins and today I have started high doses of Vit C and Vit B, especially B3 to see if it makes any difference. The way I see it, it can’t make it any worse so why not I will let you all know how it goes.

Take care, hang in their with me.

Oh shit I almost forgot, this amuses me second week in a row I have had no need to put out my recycle bin because all it has is 4 soda bottles, an empty cleaner product bottle and a sauce bottle. I think the truck even stopped and drove off in shock that there wasn’t my overflowing bin hahaha they probably think new people have moved into the house.

Garbage Day

Well here we are Friday again and Fridays seem to have the biggest pull on me.

You have worked hard all week, go on you deserve it. – SHUT UP BITCH

No seriously it has been such a stressful  week, everyone at work has been saying this is a shit week why not wind down with a drink or two?? – I SAID SHUT UP BITCH

Are Fridays going to always be like this I find myself wondering.

Anyways on with the story I wanted to share with you all from this morning which was our rubbish and recycable collection day. Today I carried out my normal bag of rubbish, my bag of recycable paper and cardboard and looked in the glass/plastic recycle bin. In that bin sat 2 lonely empty soda bottles and it wasn’t even worth carrying out to the kerb side. Now to explain the significance of this my bin is always heavy and very close to being full with my cider bottles on and a few items like plastic bottles and empty cans on top (they always go on top so that hopefully people don’t notice the brown cider bottles underneath). I think I get the prize in my neighbourhood for the loudest clinking, smashing and rattling noise as the guy empties it into the truck. Sometimes there is a household down the road that have 2 bins over flowing with cans and bottles but there is more than one person in that house and I think on those times they have had a party. I haven’t had a party and live alone expect for my two dogs which I will full you all in on one day as they are a huge reason why I am determined to give up drinking FOREVER. How the hell did something so minor become something major enough for me to writing a blog on, I have no idea but there you go.