Category Archives: Saddness

If only our Eyes saw Souls instead of Bodies

Sometimes on Facebook you come across something so powerful that you just read it over and over. This one did it for me and I’ve been very open about not being happy about my weight and yet I don’t do anything about it almost like I hold onto it like a blanket. I am sure it has links to my past and a part of not wanting to stand out especially to the other sex. That is all a story for another time for now I hope someone gets something out of this which helps them. I hope the person doesn’t mind me sharing it and here it the link to the original –

https://www.facebook.com/suzanne.farrugia.7/posts/10158041906106411

An Emotional, Powerful Photo of Two Beautiful Women with the same Body Image Issues – they simply handled their Emotional Baggage differently…

If only our Eyes saw Souls instead of Bodies, what would we actually think as being Beautiful??

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⚠️ I invite YOU to take a moment and read this message carefully ⚠️

I felt a great responsibility to write these few words, as I never had a clue that a post like this would go viral. I know how powerful social media can be, therefore I am very mindful of what I share and post. There is already a lot of negativity and uncertainty going on around us, and all I hoped for – in difficult times like these – was to transmute fear to love; despair to hope, and judgement to compassion – through my words. Not in a million years was I of the intention to trigger past healed issues, or convey any kind of insensitivity towards all those who are still bravely battling day in day out such painful dis-orders and dealing with negative body image issues.

Conversely, I have true admiration for your resilience and strength; for your patience and courage, as I know that recovery is not a linear path. So please, be gentle with yourselves.
I see you. I feel you. I am you. You are me.
We are all interconnected in love…and you are NOT alone!

And NO…you are NOT weak either!
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it is that little voice at the end of your day telling you, “Yes. I will try again tomorrow.”

Some of you might have been even wondering and asking yourselves, how I managed to describe these two women as BEAUTIFUL…

And my answer to you is this, dear human:

“I feel blessed and thankful to be able to find beauty in unusual things and places, and I always look for it wherever I go and walk. Learning to appreciate this universal beauty can improve the quality of our lives, as we are able to look deeper and more meaningfully at people and things in our lives. To me people are beautiful not in looks, not in what they do or say, but just in WHO they are.

In a society, where perfectionism and glamour seem to be highly glorified, all that I hoped for was to convey the message, that outer beauty is inner beauty made visible. It manifests itself in the light that flows from our eyes; the light within our soul. It does not matter if a person is badly dressed or does not conform to our idea of elegance; or is obese, overweight or underweight. The eyes are the mirror of our soul and they reflect everything that seems to be hidden. Just like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them. So if the person looking into someone’s eyes has a dark soul, he will only see his own ugliness.

BEAUTY is present in ALL CREATION. However, since we are often cut off from our inner divine essence, we give away our inner power and allow ourselves to be influenced by what other people think of us. We deny our own beauty and we go astray from our true selves, because others cannot or will not recognise us for who we really are. Instead of accepting and embracing ourselves, we try to imitate what we see around us. We try to be what other people think as “pretty” and “acceptable”; we try to fit in in different boxes, and little by little, our soul fades; our will weakens, and all the potential we had to make the world a more beautiful place withers away. We do not have a Soul. We ARE a SOUL. We have a body.”

I believe that everything around us has beauty, but it seems that not everyone has the eyes to see it, as yet. This is the MESSAGE, which I wanted to convey through my original message.

Please do whatever you can to help others in whatever you are able: attune to them; validate their feelings; listen carefully to what they are saying, and how they make meaning of their lives. Hold them, speak kindly to them, allow them to be who they are and look friendly at them. And before your paths part, may your presence remind them that LOVE is here and is ALIVE…just because of YOU!!!

I thank you and I wish you well.
Remember, YOU matter, YOU are worthy and YOU deserve to be loved! 💗💗

Suzanne 💞💞

I don’t know who took this phot but I wanted to acknowledge the two beautiful ladies in it, let your beautiful souls glow ladies. And thank you Suz Far.

Tired but can’t sleep all night

Guess it must be a sign of the times and I’m sure I’m not the only one but I am having trouble sleeping. I will fall asleep eventually but the problem is I don’t stay asleep and wake up repeatedly then to top it off I wake up early. What is it, anxiety, stress, emotional, worries or overtired? I wake up wide awake each time and it takes me a while to be able to drift off again but then it only lasts for and hour or two at the most. I do feel sad along with confused over everything that is happening which combined causes over whelming anxiety. I feel like depression is knocking on the door and I keep grasping at any and all the blessings I can find around me but lack of sleep is really not helping.

Go Easy On Yourself

If you have access to Instagram you might want to watch this, I watched it today and it made me feel better about how I am feeling. Glennon Doyle is freaking amazing, oh, oh that is another thing her latest book is out and mine is held up in transit because it’s not as essential product so the couriers etc can’t carry it. Sorry, my mind is all over the place as you will no doubt be realizing by now. OH AND THANK YOU FOR EVERY COMMENT AND LIKE I AM READING EACH AND EVERY ONE BUT AM STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW AND WHEN I’M LIKE THIS I STRUGGLE IN MY REPLIES. My emotions are all over the place and are feeling really off balance. Today I went from waking up full of wisdom (can’t remember any of it now) to feeling so blessed and lucky. Oh I do know what some of that was about, I am so blessed I have my dogs, my home, a car etc and I am very comfortable in my little home. So very blessed and I could remain very content if I had to self isolate for a very long time. Anyway back to my point, then I went to what should of been a freeing and escape period by joining in on an online dance party. But instead I just couldn’t get into it, I just feel totally exhausted and my anxiety level is totally over this but there is no way to escape this. Then I watched this and I totally related to it that I am going through grief. I am the sort of person that lives in my comfort zone and as long as I am in my bubble (my home, my neighborhood, my dogs with me) I am fine but once I go out of that I am in this strange land that really doesn’t make any sense to me.

Glennon Doyle

Tomorrow I have to go to work and I will be on call from now on, what sort of fucked up world are we in that I now have to carry a letter stating that I have permission to travel to work and home again as required? Things like this I understand but I also don’t understand how the world has ended up this fucked up. I have never been in trouble with the police and live a respectable life but now I have to carry documents to just go to my job.

I’m choosing to be happy!

The further in my past alcohol is the stronger I am getting, the stronger I am getting the further apart my depression episodes are. I can feel that I am getting stronger in my way of thinking and things that would of made me stressed, angry or sad now don’t have as firmer grip on me like they used to do. I also know that they more I am aware of myself and my actions / reactions to things that happen in my day the more I have control over my happiness. I now don’t dwell on things as long as I used to, previously I could let something simmer for days or even a week or more but not now. Now life is to precious and I have already had to much sadness in it so now I am choosing happiness and being positive. It doesn’t mean that my depression and anxiety don’t exist anymore but it does mean that I am able to have positive thoughts and find my blessings when required much easier than I ever used to.

I’m Not Broken And Don’t Need Fixing

Today I stumbled across this little gem and it really does resonate with every fiber in me. Many of you have read my story of how my mother suffered a break down when I was born and that we never formed a real bond. I was a difficult baby and this made it even harder for anyone to bond with me and instead I was often left for very long periods of time locked at the other end of the house. I can’t remember my childhood at all and my therapist has said that there is a reason for that. I was raped by a family member and then following that my first and only long term relationship had 13 very happy years and then became a disaster as drugs and alcohol stole my partner. He went from the most loving guy to a guy that played mental games and unknown to me he was cheating on me so many times I have no idea how I didn’t see it. While he was cheating he also turned paranoid that I was doing the same thing and the mental games went up a notch along with physical threats and repeated rapes. He never viewed them as rapes rather that we were partners and just because I didn’t want to have sex he still had the right to it. Now that is a brief run down of where I have come from and I actually thought that I was broken by these people and events and that I needed fixing!

The truth really is I wasn’t broken I was hurt and needed healing! These events didn’t break me, like hell they did. What these did to me was make me stronger and they made me fight like crazy. I got lost for twenty plus years thinking I was broken and my way of fixing things was to drink myself to pass out stage every single night. My recycle days were a huge event with the boxes of bottles put out being of larger quantities than houses that had actual parties in the neighborhood. That’s all another story for another day but now thankfully because I have been living sober for over two years (this time, another story, another day) I can see that I didn’t need fixing, I needed healing and I needed to put the work in to heal myself. I needed to stop living in a drunken numbed state, starting each day feeling pretty ratshit, getting through the day as a functioningguzzler (I didn’t drink in the morning or day) counting down the hours until the time I had decided cracking open that first bottle. Goodness knows why I waited until that time of the day even on my weekends, pretty sad now I guess it was part of the game I played that I wasn’t an alcoholic.

My thought for anyone else out there with a story that could be a bit like mine, if you have survived the shittest part your seriously not broken, you don’t need fixing. You’ve already survived and had the inner strength to do that part. Gift yourself at least the acknowledgement of that much, you are freakin amazing with incredible strength within you. Take the next step that you need to take to move you on to the healing.

Anxiety / Depression

I am going through a patch of anxiety and depression at the moment. I’m alright I know it will pass, not like when I was drinking I would often get to the point that thinking taking my life was the only way to stop it. I will make time for myself this weekend and go for walks in my favorite spots to get some time out. I don’t know how long this will last because I know it is an accumulation of sadness over my dog, disappointment over my weight and feeling totally lost in a job that I am unhappy at along with the worry of my finances which mean I can’t move onto the career that makes my heart sing.

If I could put into words how I feel I guess at the moment it would be that I feel like I’m suffocating under the load of the above mentioned reasons. I can find blessings but at the moment I’m just overwhelmed. It’s like a conveyor belt with all my worries and burdens keeps turning over and some bits drop off the side every so often and then others just land on top of me. I’m at the bottom trying to climb my way out but they just keep dropping on me. Like I say this will pass but I am sad and unhappy and like a bitter, grumpy person because I’m feeling like that.

I am so glad that I am sober though and that I don’t have that dragging me further under. I can an will rise out of this.

Day ONE Again

Okay another day of over eating, the wheels feel off when my vet phoned with the results from my little dogs blood tests and sadly the news isn’t great as her kidney has started to shut down. I don’t know why but I just started eating lollies (yep more appeared in the office, think I’m going to have to make a rule of lolly free zone) then my lunch, then snacks from the vendor machine. I wasn’t even hungry but just ate. What the heck is wrong with me?? So obvious emotional eating.

I’m not going to beat myself up and I’m not even sad about it just annoyed. I am very sad about my little dog and I can’t bear the thought of losing her. I am just going to take it day by day with her and stay positive and hope she is still here for months and months and months. The positive is I got her to eat tonight so tonight I am calm. When she doesn’t eat I do get so stressed which is very hard.

I reckon the positive is that even though I am upset and highly stressed I turned to food and not booze and I would prefer to stay fat than to go back to being a drunk. Can’t even type up a decent post tonight sorry as I’m just to tired and sad.

My Furry Angel, My Heartbeat

I am so stressed at the moment because my little dogs health is declining before my eyes. She is getting harder and harder to get to eat and I am having major problems getting her medications into her. I really don’t know how I’m going to cope if her decline continues as I am turning into a wreck already. I go to work but all I want to do is stay home with her and just spend all my time with her. I can’t think of anything better than just having Nana naps together and just lay there feeling her breathing in and out as she lays on me. Our connection is so strong, she needs me and I need her. Without her I would not be here today, she is the one thing that stopped me from taking my own life 3 years ago. I was so depressed and tired and had been wanting to kill myself for a long time. I didn’t really want to kill myself as such but it was the only way I could think of to stop the mental torture my mind was putting me through. I was drinking so heavily until I would pass out every night and this just increased the depression and hopelessness by about 100% it was a terrible time in my life. Anyway one night I decided that was it there really was no point hanging on for a better tomorrow because I had been doing that for years and still couldn’t see a better tomorrow ahead of me. The one reason I didn’t end up following through is because I knew my little girl (dog) would not survive without me. If I’m not around she won’t eat and if I had taken my life I would by default be taking hers as well and I couldn’t do that to her.

Now I am struggling because she is declining and her kidneys are starting to fail and I can’t stop it. I am sad and moody and at work you can add to that with my tolerance for people is very low so lets add bitchy as well. I hate being bitchy to people and do it then always follow with regret. My problem is I just don’t want to be there I can’t stop thinking of my little girl at home and just want to be with her. This is going to be the hardest battle I have had to fight in my sober journey so far.

Living life sober, raw and real is a fragile thing when I am in this state but my sobriety is so precious to me. As I typed this I thought of another reason to stay sober, she really needs me now and I need to be sober so I am fully aware and available for her.

Relationship Endings

Well I survived our Christmas lunch and another trip back to my home town which is full of so many sad memories. This is the town in which I was raised and yet can’t remember much at all about my childhood. My first rape happened in this town along with my first and only boyfriend our was the one responsible for further rapes as our 14 year relationship spiraled out of control into a world of booze for both of us and drugs as well for him. To get into town I have to drive past our old house which was the first home I owned along with him. This house now haunts me with the memories and today as I looked at it and felt the tears well in my eyes I realized that I was actually thinking what do I do wrong with relationships that make them end up so painful for myself. It really has put me off opening up and trusting people and letting them in.

I’m not just talking about my ex but with that relationship I do wonder how did we go from being such a happy couple, you know the one where people would vote most likely to last, to such a train wreck. There have been other friendships (not as in partners just friendships) which have gone from full on love you long time to nothing, no contact, no explanation, nothing just emptiness and me wondering what did I do wrong. Is it true that we are only brought into peoples lives for a period of time when we need each other and then we move on? I find it extremely difficult to trust people enough to open up and tell them I love them and hope like hell they feel the same way. I sort of thought that the only way to find friendships like that was to make yourself vulnerable and I really do treasure these people so much. Is it wrong of me to think it’s possible to have people in your life that will be life long friends? Maybe I have it all wrong and maybe people find that sort of relationship to over whelming.

I had to pull myself up with my ex and tell myself it wasn’t my fault and not my blame to carry as a burden. People grow apart as they change and grow and they don’t always keep traveling the same journey as they grow. The messed up way he repeatedly cheated on me and even brought home STD’s and yet still I loved him and believed him when he said he wasn’t cheating. OMGosh I was young and naive or innocent not to sure which. But to love someone so desperately that you let them treat you like absolute shit by mentally and physically abusing you yet you stay and let it keep happening in hope that you will stop messing up and being treated that way, that is messed up.

I blame a lot looking back to being raised in a constant sense of abandonment with a mother who had a mental breakdown when I was born and just never bonded with me. It is a natural instinct that we are born with to be loved and nurtured and if we don’t get that when we find something in our life that does provide that we cling onto it for dear death while living in constant fear that we will lose it again. When people know that you have that fear and they disappear from your life with no explanation why it triggers over a thousand different emotions. I thought I had a sussed by starting to let people back into my heart but honestly it just hurts to much when it doesn’t last.

Living life sober, raw and real makes me feel everything. I don’t regret being sober and don’t think I ever will but I do wish there was a way I could numb out emotions like these when I just find them to overwhelming. Christmas day is always hard on me and I am glad that today is done, I think tonight I am just mentally tired and that doesn’t help.

Missing My Soul Sisters

I am really missing my Soul Sisters at the moment and they are all out of the country and have been for months now. It’s just one of those nights when you feel a bit of an ache in your heart when you haven’t been around them for so long and you really need your time together. There is always messenger, email or Facetime but those only work if the other person is available. It hurts a little bit more when they are all busy and replies are often a long time apart. I totally understand that they are busy and that they have partners / family that are their priority but it doesn’t make the dull ache go away from missing them so much. They really are like sisters that I would love to see for Christmas but it won’t happen. Hmm maybe I rely more on them because I am single and thats not really fair but I have been thinking of them all a lot and what I wouldn’t give just to have a walk down the beach together, go for lunch and a coffee somewhere. I just have this need to be around people that I am comfortable with and who I know love me and I love them. I would do anything for them and if I needed them they would be there as much as you can when your about 16-18 hours flight time away. Hmmmm this isn’t making me feel any better tonight. I am missing them so much but also know how blessed I am to have them in my life. I am surrounded by people all day and yet I am lonely for the connection of hearts and minds with my chosen sisters.

Living life sober, raw and real is a lot easier when you have your Soul Sisters around more.