Category Archives: Saddness

What The Heck

I was thinking after reading another post and while offering them some of my fine wisdom (I am joking, well sort of) I realized that what I was telling them has actually been happening to me as well. I’m not drifting into depression in fact I am coping pretty well at the moment but I am so aware how easy it would be to do so. When you give up the drug of your choice, which for me was booze, then you are exposing yourself to feelings and emotions. It really is worth it because you feel the good and it can feel so, so good but you also feel the bad and sad.

I have noticed a lot more things that are in the news and around me and it does make me angry and sad. I seriously didn’t notice it as much as I did now and it shocks me how much hate some people are carrying around. It shocks me the level of racism and discrimination there is in our world. How can there be hate towards people just because of their race? We all have good and bad in our races so I just can’t understand how people can say they hate a certain race.

How can we discriminate against people because of their sexual preference? I get that we don’t all have the same sexual preferences but it doesn’t mean that we have to discriminate against each other if we are different in preference. I have said on here before I honestly don’t know what umbrella I would put myself under if I had to pick. I am attracted to both sexes and maybe it would be suffer to tell you when I find my soul mate then I could answer that question.

Watching the news and reading the papers I fail to understand whats happening there either. Child sex trafficking, child abuse, murder oh, oh and as a person that can’t have kids don’t get me started with the poor children and babies who are orphans and have nothing and not even a home and yet people from out of their country can not adopt them. What the heck is that about, I get that their will be cultural differences and also that they MIGHT have family over there but why should that stop them being adopted into homes that will love them and provide for them? If they are so worried that there might be family turn up while keep decent records so they can be traced. I am sure it’s much harder than that but I don’t understand why they have to stay there starving and without love.

Maybe I should of headed this up rant night but these are just a few of the examples I think about and then have to stop myself going to deep because it really is depressing and I wish I had the solution to it all. All we can do is be the best person that we can and be kind to one another no matter who, where or what differences we all have. Treat each other how we would like to be treated I guess. Anyway living life sober, raw and real provides me with moments like these. What is happening in the world that makes YOU wonder what the heck?

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Setting It Free

Okay I am setting it free, I’m talking about my childhood and teenage years. They will always be with me but after writing it out and facing it rather than numbing every thought I have had about it previously I’m actually more at peace with it all. There will always be hurt and pain there but I cannot let it ruin this side of my life as well. I am 50 years old and it’s time to let it go as much as I can.

I forgive my Mother and now having suffered from depression as an adult I have a small world of understanding of what she went through. I can’t fully understand it having never had kids because I really don’t see how you can’t bond with something you gave birth to but I reckon she carries guilt about that. I can only imagine the mental suffering and pain along with loneliness while mentally she broke down. How much would it take from a person to be going through that, nearly die giving birth and then taking home a baby that she simply was in no fit state to cope with? It must of been a living hell for her, especially since I wasn’t an easy baby apparently with always screaming because of the milk allergy. She was well when she had my brother and she bonded with him long before I came on the scene. Also they are so very similar in their ways, mentally, physically and in some ways spiritually. Anyway what I am saying here is that yes it hurts, yes it has affected me and how I am towards people in my life but I understand and my heart actually aches for her and what we both missed out on.

My father was working hard trying to look after his family by providing for them and building them a home so his absence was huge during my childhood. I will probably never know how he couldn’t see what was happening to me but maybe he had his hands full with taking care of my Mum and trying to build his business so that he could provide safety and comfort for his family. I don’t know, I do know he was an only child and maybe he struggled to grasp not being the one having all the attention. Shit I don’t know without actually being there hahaha well I was but I can’t remember it. Either way I can’t carry around ill feeling towards it all anymore, it’s time, time to move on I can’t change it all I can do is focus on the future.

My brother I will never forgive for the rape but I have to put here that I understand, I understand that the expectations and pressure to perform was huge. But the thing that I now fully understand from my own addiction is how you tried to escape everything through the drugs. Then through that your craving for the drugs grew and grew and along with that addiction so did the cost of feeding that addiction. Along with the cost came the dealing of the drugs along with the dealing of the drugs came the greed. The greed of not only feeding your habit but the ability to earn the money you could in dealing. Through seeing your journey and even seeing the affect it has had on you as a person even now it makes me realize that I am so blessed. I am so fucken blessed that I am now on my sober journey and it just adds to my determination to stay that way. I love being sober and I thank my higher power that I didn’t do the damage to my brain that you have done to yours through your addiction. I seriously have to believe that it was the drugs that made you rape me, I cannot deal with thinking that it was you as a person. I am pretty sure that you can remember anything about it and I don’t even think you remembered it the next morning.

Living life sober, raw and real has made me face things like this and as painful as it was to mentally go back writing it out on here has seriously helped. I am setting this all free now into the universe. The pain and hurt are probably always going to be there like a dull ache but I think that’s totally natural. I can forgive and I wish I could forget it like my childhood but I can’t. I can choose how I move forward from here and I am doing that with a smile. This is not nor has it ever been my burden to carry I did nothing wrong and everything right and I have ended up a much stronger person all while retaining my heart and soul.

Human Relationships Are Hard / Dogs Are So Much Easier

What is it about human relationships that make it so darn hard?? Seriously I relate to, understand and feel 100% loved from my dogs. My friends I feel like it’s a conditional love and I don’t always understand it. I get that everyone is busy in life and that we all have goals and dreams that we are working towards but in order to keep the friendship alive there needs to be some interaction, right? Pretty much a given really ah in my mind, this is were I start to self doubt myself and think am I too needy? Am I insecure and my abandonment issues coming into play in my mind? They all probably have a really big part to play in all this. I thought I had it sussed but now I’m fucked if I know anymore.

Previous friendships have been either work buddies or drinking friendships. I have a couple of friendships left over from the drinking days who are awesome and we still meet up every couple of months along with a quick message to each other once a week to make sure everyone is okay. Oh and one of them is my concert buddy and we go together for concerts or shows so that is lovely.

Then comes the friends that I have made while on my sober journey and these are ladies that I love and admire and they are incredible. But, yep there is a but, they are all very family, goal, career etc focused and as much as I would love to hear from them they are all working their arses off to achieve these goals. I have to admit I got tired of always being the one to break the ice and told one of them that it would actually be nice if they reached out first for once. She did apologize and said that she means to but just gets busy and it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care and she would try to improve in that area. We do still make contact at least once a week but we are living in different time zones so it’s often a one sided conversation then a long delay between replies which can make it difficult as well.

What is it in the human nature that makes us crave a connection with other people / person? Why do we need it in our lives? It is well known that we do need it though and as much as it would be less painful to become a total loner I would be so incredibly lonely. I still love dogs more lol, they are so much easier. Oh horrible thought is it because they are trapped and so reliant on me for their basic needs? Nah if that was the case and they didn’t want to be with me they would run away at the park hahaha. Plus I can tell by the way they look at me and cuddle into me when sleeping that they love their Mum.

Living life sober, raw & real is the way I choose to be and it’s the best thing I ever did for myself. I probably wouldn’t be pondering the above so much though……… oh hang on I probably would but I would probably have very dark thoughts about it all. Give your friends a quick message people don’t get so busy we forget each other.

Wanting to Run From The Emotions – Old Habits

I have to admit that I do still have days when I want to drink, I guess old habits that I used for over 20 years die hard when you are so used to numbing all emotions rather than work through them. I haven’t drank but today I really, really felt like it. I was visualizing it and in my mind enjoying it and enjoying numbing my mind and not having to think of the latest dramas in my life.

This is what is stressing me so much I run a team of volunteers, who all help me run a FB page that helps people with lost and found pets, and last night one of them lost her shit and was totally rude to one of the other team members calling her a liar and swearing at her. This was an unprovoked attack and was totally unacceptable. When the first episode happened I talked privately with the team member behaving badly and she was very worked up and angry for no good reason. In the end she said that she would go off for the night and calm down and get in a better head space, good idea I told her and we could talk about it in the morning. Instead an hour later she comes back and has another go at this person and swears at her this time. I asked her what the heck was she doing and she told me we could talk in the morning because she wasn’t in a good head space. I asked her to delete her comment and she tried but sadly it wouldn’t. Before I went to bed I asked her please do not post anything over night and we would talk in the morning. I had the crappiest nights sleep and kept waking up and checking my phone to make sure she wasn’t causing more shit. When I woke in the morning she had messaged me and said that she was going to take leave for a couple of days. I told her that was a great idea and removed her from everything. I did not want to leave her on there and have her causing any further issues. Well she lost her shit and has been messaging me all day apologizing and begging to be added back. I am not going to do that as the person she was aiming this all at is very upset and other team members saw it. I don’t trust that this totally unpredictable behavior will just raise it’s head at any time. She has had little out bursts before and I just can’t afford to lose other volunteers because they think that bullying etc is allowed within the team. Also I would lose the person she directed it at who is a team leader so I am not willing to have that happen.

Now this is the bit I am struggling with this person is unwell and I feel really sorry for her. She is on some super strong medications and I believe these have a role to play in her behavior. She is not able to work and can’t go out much for fear of infections so this volunteer role has meant so much to her in her lonely world. If this was a one off incident I would give her another chance but sadly it is not and I can’t risk her doing more damage within the team and on the page. Volunteers (good volunteers) are so hard to find and my team is amazing but they are very weary of being around her now. It sucks that I am going to have to tell her that she cannot come back onto the pages because I can’t risk her unpredictable outburst and I simply can’t being living on tender hooks all the time trying to protect everyone if and when it does happen. I HATE having to do this and it is hurting to have to hurt her, I think if she was without the meds it MIGHT be different. I only say might because I have not known her without them so it is unknown.

Anyway I am living life sober, raw and real and just at the moment it is not feeling so great. Oh hopefully no one is wondering but just in case I didn’t drink I ended up using the old soda stream and making fizzy water and adding cranberries and rhubarb to it and it ws freakin yummo!

Arrgh Sensitive Me Again

I having one of those extra sensitive moments, it’s okay and it will pass and I know that a lot of this has to do with me being a sensitive soul. I know that when I was drinking I was numbing everything and not feeling anything good or bad. I think now that as a result of this I feel things deeper and harder which can be quite overwhelming because I am really quite a sensitive soul, probably why I spent so much time making sure I wasn’t feeling anything.

Anyway my little purge tonight is just that my sensitive little soul over reading and over reacting and it needs to calm itself down. I am feeling sad that I seem to be the one of my friends that always takes the time to reach out and see how they are doing and to have a little chat regularly. But my sensitive soul is noticing that it’s always me doing the reaching and that hurts to be honest. I don’t quite know what to do as my mind over thinks it all and a part of me thinks what did I do? Was I too needy, did I annoy them by contacting too much? Like I get that people are busy but if you have friends don’t you make a little bit of time for them every so often? My mind is wondering if I just stop messaging for a while and see what happens or is that just being stupid?? Arrgggh what do I find relationships so complicated. Do I just keep going like nothing is wrong? I’m just feeling sad and blue about it all but I know this will most likely pass.

I need to calm it down and not upset myself, I need to be kind to myself and go within and figure out why I am having this insecure moment. I need to just know that I am loved and that people get busy and they have their own family and other friends. I need to trust that they aren’t bored with me and moving on. Maybe I need to learn how to reach out and tell them how I’m feeling, but will that blow the friendship. Oh geezzz stop it mind, just stop.

On a totally different note I have been thinking about my big fat fail at exercise and wondering what is it I need to do to motivate myself. Now I think anyone who has read a couple of my posts has figured out how much I love animals so I am thinking of a way that might work. I have already skydived to help raise funds for the SPCA and to me that was a huge mental challenge and tick on my bucket list. Well this time I am thinking of a physical challenge and there is a run / walk fund raising marathon for the SPCA in October this year. I searched fitness challenges for causes and it came up like a meant to be. Now there are 3 groups 5km’s, 12 km’s, 21.1 km’s (what the fuck is with the .1 seriously) OR the full marathon of 42.195 km’s (now .195??? this is getting ridiculous) . Guess which one I’m thinking of doing, if your gonna aim for a goal why not make it big right? And the bigger and harder the target the more likely people are to sponsor you for it. Oh and I would get to add marathon with a big fat tick to the completed list on my bucket list.

I’m living life sober and I’m determined to fucken rock it!!!

Sobriety Rocks

I don’t have the time to come on here as much as I used to nor as much as I want to anymore. I think I do my best thinking first thing in the morning and often have moments of pure brilliance and come up with such wisdom but com evening and time to write on here gone, nothing, blank. I was thinking what should I write more about on here as there seems to be a few and I bounce all over the place, alcoholic, rape, debt, goals, diet, fitness, exercise ummm what else vulnerability, friends, family, therapy etc, etc, etc. But I have decided to just keep being me and what ever is passing through my mind at the time that is what I will write about. This blog is to get things out of my mind and if it helps others that is a bonus. If anyone has questions they want to ask I’m a pretty direct person and will answer. Oh if there is something that anyone would like me to write about further please feel free to ask that as well.

Writing that has made me realize that I am much more settled in my mind, previously my mind was all over the place and depression and self loath was at a very high and dangerous level. Now at almost 500 days sober I get on here and think I have nothing, nothing I have the energy to write about. Previously there would of been many, many negative thoughts in a day and picking a subject was easy but not now. Don’t get me wrong I still have negative thoughts and still beat myself up but I am getting so much better. Thank God I am living a sober life and my mental health is improving so much. There is depression but I think I would call it more sadness and no bloody wonder with what has been brought out of the suitcases in my mind. I still struggle with self love but I do not have self hate anymore. It has been a very long time since a have had suicidal thoughts in fact now I want to live. I have so much to be grateful for and I have so much to offer towards good in this world.

Living life sober, raw and real…………….. yep it is SO much better. I never, ever want to go back to that way of living again because it’s not living it is just turning up everyday and I was miserable.

Consequence Of Not Going Through With Suicide

It’s amazing how things come to me in my mind now as I remember my thinking and just how crazy my mind was back when I was drinking. I seriously look back now and am stunned to think that I actually thought I was fine. Functioning Guzzler is really what I thought I was, I didn’t think I was an alcoholic but rather a binge drinker. How the fuck could anyone think that while putting away on average 6-8 stubbies a night. Anyway there is so much more than just the feelings and emotions I have blocked and numbed including the mind games my own mind was playing on me. I have mentioned before that I am in financial shit as I got so desperate to force myself to stop drinking I spent all my money and then clocked up loans and credit card debt. Now here comes the kicker that came to me like a bolt the other day.

I had no intention of ever paying all that debt back! I was drinking like there was no tomorrow because frankly at some stage I planned to make sure that there was no tomorrow for me. I was running a marathon and trying to get away from my pain, sorrow, sadness, loneliness and anger I was numbing it and slowly that numbing wasn’t numbing it enough. Also I was tired, I was so fucken tired from running from my feelings, from drinking, from the pain and in the end from the crushing debt. I was tired of it all and I had convinced myself that I just couldn’t fight anymore, I was broken and depressed. In a totally vicious circle of wanting to change, wanting to improve but being in such a dark place and addicted to the booze I just couldn’t find my way out and did not think I had the strength at all. I made plans to commit suicide and part of my thinking with the debt was I just didn’t fucken care because I wouldn’t be here to have to struggle and pay it back. I have life insurance so wasn’t at all worried about leaving things unpaid nor my family having to pay it for me.

Now I am here, now I am 16 months sober this time, now I have made huge steps to improve myself and to deal with things. Now I have this fucken debt as a lasting reminder of just how close I came to calling it all quits.

Living life sober, raw & real is what I do every day and what I intend to do for the rest of my life.

Exercise – Day 5 – I have been keeping it up and have jumped on the x-trainer for 5 days solid now 🙂 I have not been on here to type about it because I have been so busy I had to pick exercise or blog hmmmm exercise has to win because I have made the commitment and my mind game is strong right now.

Sober = Good & Bad Feelings

I have something floating around in my mind and I’m not sure if it’s ready to come out and be worded correctly without people taking it the wrong way but I will try.

For those of you like myself that has gone sober and are a little disappointed to find out that it wasn’t just the drinking that was screwing with your head I want to say that I understand and feel your pain. I also wanted to say that I know and hope you all do as well that it is okay to have so called negative feelings e.g. sad or mad. You see so many posts about how wonderful life is now that people are living sober and I agree 100% and have had many moments of pure bliss like that as well. I would not trade my sobriety for $1 million if someone even offered me the deal. I totally agree that it is better than sliced bread and I don’t say that to try to be funny I mean it for real.

I seriously thought that giving up drinking would fix everything and that my depression would end and I wouldn’t have sad times because the reason I drank was to numb everything and to numb the pain of what I have been through. I thought that after 20+ years of drinking and feeling miserable locked in a haze of booze, hang overs, looking forward to the next drink, black out, crap sleep repeat that life would be so much better if I could just live normal. Now here is the thing with that by stopping the drinking you stop the numbing, without the numbing you feel and you feel a lot! I don’t want to put anyone off doing it because it is so worth it and don’t forget you will also be letting in the god feelings because you would of been blocking those as well. I go through periods of great sadness and at times great anger but as a friend pointed out to me the other day “isn’t that normal and totally expected with everything you are working through and finally facing??” And yes she is right (she is smart and not scared to tell me things as they are and I love her for that) but I have so many blessings now that I get angry with myself for wasting time being sad or angry. I struggle to cope with these feelings because I have not done it before I have just buried them and numbed them away.

So I think I have managed to say to you that it is perfectly okay if you want to come on here and be honest and say “I’m having a shit day, week, month” or “Giving up drinking isn’t all rainbows and unicorns” it just isn’t but you know what? It is living and it is living life 100% more than what I ever did while living as a drunk alcoholic. To come on here and type things out is to empty it out of my mind a bit like a 1000 piece jigsaw and then to hopefully move them around and make up the puzzle to a picture I understand. If you want to do the same please do, don’t let people put you off doing that for fear of judgement. I have felt judged on here at times and now I think hey if I’m having a shitty day I am going to come on here and type it out. If I have an awesome day I am going to come on here and type it out. There will be days like lately when I don’t and that is because I just don’t have it in me OR nothing is happening in my mind OR I am simply to tired and going and getting some sleep is a healthier option.

Living life sober, raw and real is the best choice I made for myself. You do feel everything the good, the bad and it is so very worth it. I don’t enjoy feeling the sad or the angry BUT I totally accept it and know that it is better than numbing everything and missing out on the good. I see that by finally feeling I am processing and dealing with things rather than just letting them fester and I’m pretty proud of myself for stopping running from them.

I Forgive Myself For Trivializing My Past

I had one of those “holy shit” moments today which I think was an important awakening in my personal growth, strength and inner peace. I was in the middle of a work out today and listening to a podcast from Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations and this one by Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising and it was good and gave me lots of food for thought.

One of the thoughts that came to me was enough to make me cry – I realized that I have never forgiven myself for trivializing what I have been through. Now I do realize that I have had to do this in order to be able to cope and to protect the people I wanted too until I was mentally ready to deal but now that I am dealing I think acknowledging this is a huge step. It is easier to deal with things by telling yourself that shit happens and that it’s really not a big deal than to face the enormity of it all. Well today I realized that it is a big deal, it’s a massive deal.

It has taken me a long time and an incredibly painful journey to end at this point now. In looking back I had my innocence, virginity, security, confidence, self-esteem, happy go lucky nature all stolen. In order to try to deal with all of this I turned to alcohol and I buried myself in it for over 20 years. I turned to it so I would not have to feel or think about what had happened. I mentally convinced myself that none of it mattered, I was still here and I had survived and hey other people have it much worse than I had it. Truth is I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy but I have survived it and I believe that I am a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person because of my experiences. I am sad that it took me so long to give myself the biggest gift of sobriety and that I numbed out 20 years but what is done is done and I can’t change that. I am going to send my younger self a message, hope she’s sober enough to take it in.

I would love to give credit to who came up with this quote but the annoying thing is there are numerous people claiming it. Who ever you are thank you!

Hey there you, I’d just like a moment of your time to talk to you if you wouldn’t mind. I get that you don’t want anyone around you nor do you want to let anyone in as a friend so I won’t take up too much of your time. I am you but it is quite a few years later and I wanted to let you know that your going to be okay. At the moment you really are going through a hard time and you are confused by the way you have been treated by others especially since they are people you love and trusted, even idolized. I really want to reach through this bloody screen and give you a big hug, it’s important that you know that there are good people out there. You are going to find people that you can trust again and that will love you just as you are and they will be there for you if you need a friend. What you are doing now is what it takes for you to cope and that’s okay, I think you are an incredibly strong person who is a fighter inside. At the moment you are telling yourself that what happened isn’t that bigger deal and that you are okay. What has happened to you is a big deal sweetie, it’s huge and when you get to where I am now you will realize that you are amazing. Inside you buried with all the shit and covered in the alcohol you have also numbed your inner Warrior but she is there. The pain and the hurt need to rest, they can’t deal with it all yet but they will. It’s never going to be 100% done (probably not what you wanted to hear) it’s like a record that keeps spinning around and each time something improves, every so often there is a scratch that will make it skip back. Wait long enough and the music will flow and you will dance again. There are going to be times when you want to take your life, thank fuck you don’t follow through because now looking back I can see that it wouldn’t fix anything. You are tired and you want it all to stop and it will you are going to survive and you are going to be glad that you do. I want you to know that I don’t blame you and today I forgive us for doing what we needed to do to cope and get through all this you really are a Warrior Princess.

Living life sober, raw and real isn’t always easy and lately I have been in a dark place and today realizing this has gotten me back into the right frame of mind. I was experiencing peaceful moments a lot and then all of a sudden I lost them. Following this awakening I was able to find that peaceful place again today and I just lay there in it for the longest time but I came back out so calm it was amazing.

What went wrong?? Time to look at ME.

Okay time to look at ME and see if I can figure out how I ended up going backwards when I was doing so well. Time for me to think about what I can do to change things for myself and by identifying them hopefully I will be able to start working on each thing. Just going to type this as it rolls out of my mind and on to here so this could be a bit all over the place.

Lonely – Missing my friends terribly, I have some amazing Soul Sisters and part of the reason that I love them all so much is because they are strong women who all work their arses off to improve things for themselves AND for others. They are all so busy and as well as working hard they all have husbands so it is harder for them to find time for our friendships than it is for me when I don’t have a partner. Two of my friends are in different parts of the world and it makes it really hard when we are all so busy and on different time zones when I am awake they are often asleep and vice versa. One of the friends that is currently living over seas I used to chat with every day even if it was “chat” with a silly quick message. Now on different time zones and that she is busy catching up with friends and family in her other country our friendship has gone very quiet. I don’t want to take up her time and energy because it is important that she does spend time with them all, it’s like sharing a BFF. Then my friend that is over here is also busy building her business and also looking after her mother who has dementia so her time is all taken up and very quick messages fly between us every couple of weeks. I am really feeling the loneliness of having wonderful friends but they are all so busy and this has definitely had an impact on my mood. I swear these friends have the power to raise me up and make me feel like a freakin warrior but without them I crash back down. When these friends ask me how things are going I have just got into the habit of saying I’m doing fine, they are always in a hurry and I don’t want to worry them at all.

Self Care – I am struggling to do this and put myself first. I am so used to helping others and tending to their needs that there is no time left for my own. Truth is helping others and making them feel good does help me and does make me feel better BUT it can also be extremely draining at the same time. Apart from walking the dogs I am not exercising, I am fat and I am comfort eating which is all a dangerous combination. Oh and add to that I am not getting enough sleep and am spending to much time on my computer. I run a team of volunteers who help lost & found pets and everything that we do is on computer. Between working on that and dealing with team dynamics as in their relationships it takes up a huge amount of my personal time. I am not happy because I am fat, my diet is crap as I can’t be bothered and I am struggling to find the energy to do anything. I think I’m lazy but can’t decide if I had the energy I would do more.

Sexual Assaults – As part of my therapy we did discuss my being raped by a family member, we didn’t actually go too much into my ex and his rape and abuse of me but we did leave the subject at a point that I am comfortable with. BUT lately here in the media there has been so much on domestic violence and sexual assaults and on how few actually get reported along with the fact with the ones that do only around 55% end in the person being found guilty. Can you believe people are getting off rape charges because the people meet on tinder and that on it’s own is considered that you are looking for a partner and can be argued that you were looking for sex. Now add to that if you meet up and go out drinking and then have sex. People have been getting off because the person that was raped had been drinking and was drunk and when cross examined in court asked can you say without doubt that you did not consent to having sex? Here is the problem they were drunk and how many of us can remember 100% accurately what we said or did while drunk, even if you didn’t give consent could you swear in court that you didn’t? Anyway all of this talk about that has ended up having me dwell on it all a bit more than I would like. Considering I am still around one of my rapists a lot it is hard enough to pretend everything is normal but to have reminders coming at me all the time it is even harder and more draining.

Attempting to Bond In Some Way With My Mum – Those that have followed me here will know there is a BIG problem here but I have been trying to express to my Mum just how much I do love her and gave her a lovely card for mothers day pointing out the things I admire about her. We are never going to have a huge loving relationship which does disappoint me but she is nearing 80 and I would like to think that I can forgive her enough to let her know that I accept her flaws and accept that I did not make it easy for her when I was a baby along with her break down but I do love her. I don’t want us getting near to the end of her life and just leaving it with a void between us.

Finances – Oh fucken finances I hate being always broke having a vet bill that is growing and I’m not getting on top of it. My car needs repairs but I can’t afford that so just have to hope that it will keep going until I can get the vet up to date. My loan is a constant reminder of my living life as an alcoholic at it’s peak and it is like paying a fucken mortgage each payday. I have to watch I am not stupid but with the depression I spend more money to try to cheer myself up on things like books or things for the dogs when really this needs to go on my bills. I don’t know if I am going to be able to afford to study next year nor take the pay decrease if I do end up becoming an Animal Welfare Officer because I need to be able to pay off the loan and still live. By the time I do all that I may be to old to become an AWO and this depresses me hugely. This is something I would like to numb out because I don’t know how to deal with it.

Living life sober, raw and real OMGosh it can be hard when I’m not numbing everything and have so much flying through my mind at once. I went through a lovely peaceful period there for a while but at the moment that peace isn’t there. Now that I have emptied some out of my mind on to here I can’t keep my head in the sand like an ostrich otherwise it will keep spiraling out of control. Time to face up to things and either sort them or find a more comfortable way to live with them.

Don’t give up on me yet, I’m down but I’m not out and I am little but I am fierce as hell!