I was thinking today as I often do about how my life has changed since I became sober this time around. In a months time I will have been sober for 2 years and I really, really wished I’d done it sooner and did it how I have this time around. For over twenty years I drunk myself to sleep / pass out just about every night. I was keeping myself numbed from feeling bad things that had happened to me in my life. Thinking about it now though I was numbing myself but I was also delaying myself from doing any healing. I spent so many years in that haze that I really didn’t need to I could of been free a long, long time ago.
If your out there and you are drinking to numb away something painful I really feel for you. I understand you and I see you and your pain. If it was at all possible I would reach through this screen and take you by the hand, pull you through and give you a big hug. If your reading this and thinking this is me I pray that you to find away out like I did. For me there was no magic, there was no AA, there was no turning religious (but for those that there was I think your awesome, just whatever it takes and what works for you) for me I was just tired. I was sick and tired of being drunk, depressed, suicidal and my life was out of control. I started blogging on here and that alone can be a powerful tool if you use it wisely. By wisely I mean be honest, if your having a shit time say it, if your happy say it, just keep coming on here and making yourself accountable to turning up and typing it out. Try therapy, I would of been the first one to roll my eyeballs at that one! No thanks, no siree, not for me I’ll deal with my own shit thanks. Guess what it ended up being one of the best things I did and it didn’t take that many sessions. I’m not “fixed” but I have a healthier way of thinking about everything. I still have really shit days, I can drop back into depression without any warning, I still have periods of self loath. I also have stronger relationships, happy days some really happy days, days that are full of gratitude and even times when I think shit you know what I’m a pretty awesome person.
Living life sober, raw & real allows you to feel, feel the good and the bad but you feel. And you deal, you stop numbing everything and you bring it out and slowly dissect it. In my mind I think of it as I have suitcases full of all my shit, I unpack each one and deal with what ever is in it. Some I don’t repack and instead I say it’s time to let go, you are part of what created me into the person I am today but I no longer want to carry you in my mind. Some things I want to repack and occasionally I might look in the suitcase and go, nope not quite ready for you and move on to another one. I am glad I stopped numbing and started feeling.