Category Archives: Numbness

Twenty Plus Years Of Numbing Myself With Booze

I was thinking today as I often do about how my life has changed since I became sober this time around. In a months time I will have been sober for 2 years and I really, really wished I’d done it sooner and did it how I have this time around. For over twenty years I drunk myself to sleep / pass out just about every night. I was keeping myself numbed from feeling bad things that had happened to me in my life. Thinking about it now though I was numbing myself but I was also delaying myself from doing any healing. I spent so many years in that haze that I really didn’t need to I could of been free a long, long time ago.

If your out there and you are drinking to numb away something painful I really feel for you. I understand you and I see you and your pain. If it was at all possible I would reach through this screen and take you by the hand, pull you through and give you a big hug. If your reading this and thinking this is me I pray that you to find away out like I did. For me there was no magic, there was no AA, there was no turning religious (but for those that there was I think your awesome, just whatever it takes and what works for you) for me I was just tired. I was sick and tired of being drunk, depressed, suicidal and my life was out of control. I started blogging on here and that alone can be a powerful tool if you use it wisely. By wisely I mean be honest, if your having a shit time say it, if your happy say it, just keep coming on here and making yourself accountable to turning up and typing it out. Try therapy, I would of been the first one to roll my eyeballs at that one! No thanks, no siree, not for me I’ll deal with my own shit thanks. Guess what it ended up being one of the best things I did and it didn’t take that many sessions. I’m not “fixed” but I have a healthier way of thinking about everything. I still have really shit days, I can drop back into depression without any warning, I still have periods of self loath. I also have stronger relationships, happy days some really happy days, days that are full of gratitude and even times when I think shit you know what I’m a pretty awesome person.

Living life sober, raw & real allows you to feel, feel the good and the bad but you feel. And you deal, you stop numbing everything and you bring it out and slowly dissect it. In my mind I think of it as I have suitcases full of all my shit, I unpack each one and deal with what ever is in it. Some I don’t repack and instead I say it’s time to let go, you are part of what created me into the person I am today but I no longer want to carry you in my mind. Some things I want to repack and occasionally I might look in the suitcase and go, nope not quite ready for you and move on to another one. I am glad I stopped numbing and started feeling.

Relationship Endings

Well I survived our Christmas lunch and another trip back to my home town which is full of so many sad memories. This is the town in which I was raised and yet can’t remember much at all about my childhood. My first rape happened in this town along with my first and only boyfriend our was the one responsible for further rapes as our 14 year relationship spiraled out of control into a world of booze for both of us and drugs as well for him. To get into town I have to drive past our old house which was the first home I owned along with him. This house now haunts me with the memories and today as I looked at it and felt the tears well in my eyes I realized that I was actually thinking what do I do wrong with relationships that make them end up so painful for myself. It really has put me off opening up and trusting people and letting them in.

I’m not just talking about my ex but with that relationship I do wonder how did we go from being such a happy couple, you know the one where people would vote most likely to last, to such a train wreck. There have been other friendships (not as in partners just friendships) which have gone from full on love you long time to nothing, no contact, no explanation, nothing just emptiness and me wondering what did I do wrong. Is it true that we are only brought into peoples lives for a period of time when we need each other and then we move on? I find it extremely difficult to trust people enough to open up and tell them I love them and hope like hell they feel the same way. I sort of thought that the only way to find friendships like that was to make yourself vulnerable and I really do treasure these people so much. Is it wrong of me to think it’s possible to have people in your life that will be life long friends? Maybe I have it all wrong and maybe people find that sort of relationship to over whelming.

I had to pull myself up with my ex and tell myself it wasn’t my fault and not my blame to carry as a burden. People grow apart as they change and grow and they don’t always keep traveling the same journey as they grow. The messed up way he repeatedly cheated on me and even brought home STD’s and yet still I loved him and believed him when he said he wasn’t cheating. OMGosh I was young and naive or innocent not to sure which. But to love someone so desperately that you let them treat you like absolute shit by mentally and physically abusing you yet you stay and let it keep happening in hope that you will stop messing up and being treated that way, that is messed up.

I blame a lot looking back to being raised in a constant sense of abandonment with a mother who had a mental breakdown when I was born and just never bonded with me. It is a natural instinct that we are born with to be loved and nurtured and if we don’t get that when we find something in our life that does provide that we cling onto it for dear death while living in constant fear that we will lose it again. When people know that you have that fear and they disappear from your life with no explanation why it triggers over a thousand different emotions. I thought I had a sussed by starting to let people back into my heart but honestly it just hurts to much when it doesn’t last.

Living life sober, raw and real makes me feel everything. I don’t regret being sober and don’t think I ever will but I do wish there was a way I could numb out emotions like these when I just find them to overwhelming. Christmas day is always hard on me and I am glad that today is done, I think tonight I am just mentally tired and that doesn’t help.

Sshh Little Alcoholic Mind

So the other day I was sitting waiting at the lights on my way to work, it was already hot and had every sign of being an amazing summer day. I was dreading going to work and things aren’t great there at the moment with staff morale being at an all time low with a couple of new managers that really shouldn’t be managers and have a lot to learn and to grow up. Anyway I have been feeling a high level of stress at work and my little dogs last vet visit showed every sign of her health decreasing more. So with what is going on and along with normal stress of finances and Christmas looming I just really feel like escaping it all. Now back to sitting at the lights, out of no where the thought came into my mind that I would rather be heading to the wholesalers and to buy some beers and just go home and enjoy a day away from work and enjoying the lovely weather and hang with my dogs while chugging away on some beers. Next thing I know my mind is on to reminding myself that I haven’t had a beer for about 10 years and thinking how great it would taste. Because of allergies I was living a gluten free diet and my alcohol choices was limited to Vodka, Cider & Wine pretty much. Now I’m able to have gluten and my mind went into over drive about how good it would be and how much I have been missing out all that time not being able to have it. I can now drink all of my old favorites IF I WANTED TO. Seriously what the fuck!!! How does it just manage to pop this sort of shit into my head? Luckily I didn’t do it and I told my little bitch alcoholic voice to shut the fuck up!

But here is the thing I DON’T WANT TO DRINK and I seriously don’t want to start again as I know for me it is a very slippery sloop right back onto the crazy train. I actually don’t even think I would like the taste of beer, I remember it having a metallic taste to it and if I think about it I probably didn’t like it at all but enjoyed what it did for me in numbing everything like stress. I treasure my sobriety so much now that there is no way I am going to use alcohol or drugs for that matter to numb or escape the stresses of life. The price that I paid abusing alcohol this way was simply to high and it has stolen so much from my life that I can not get back now that quite simply I hate it.

Living life sober, raw and real is my choice and my gift for myself and I will not let one stressful period in my life rob me of that.

Self Centered

Lately we have had to deal with a staff member that after a staff function drove drunk and crashed and today went to court for it. This is not the first time she has been charged so I should imagine that she went for a bit of a skate. She has defiantly got a drinking problem which has become obvious not just from this incident. Something that has been interesting to watch is that she has got totally anti the other staff because she feels that their is no sympathy or understanding because of one stupid mistake. The thing is everyone has actually been really nice and polite, they are pissed at her stupidity but everyone has carried on like normal.

But I’m not here to talk about her rather about me and it got me thinking how selfish and full of self pity was I when I was drinking. I put my drinking as my number one priority in my life and every day was pretty much passed through to get me to my safe, comfortable place on my couch chugging away on all the bottles I would drink each night. I would sit there and drink myself into a numbed state having depressing thoughts along the way until I got to the point my brain was so numb I couldn’t even think let alone be negative. But the next day would start with the negative thoughts all over again and I felt like the whole world was against me and that no one loved me or cared blah, blah, blah. I know there was reasons behind my actions and I know that I was desperate to feel loved and have people in my life that valued me but this never happened until I stopped drinking. I can see now that there was no way I was going to find anything like that nor improve my life while drinking. I was self centered and depressed and felt that the world was just going to keep knocking me over.

Living life sober has opened up a whole new world to me and it is full of dreams and hopes. I have found some people that love and appreciate me and make me feel so valued. I can live every day to the fullest and not waste any time hung over, waiting for a reasonable time to start drinking, drinking myself stupid, passing out and repeating the cycle.

Arrgh Sensitive Me Again

I having one of those extra sensitive moments, it’s okay and it will pass and I know that a lot of this has to do with me being a sensitive soul. I know that when I was drinking I was numbing everything and not feeling anything good or bad. I think now that as a result of this I feel things deeper and harder which can be quite overwhelming because I am really quite a sensitive soul, probably why I spent so much time making sure I wasn’t feeling anything.

Anyway my little purge tonight is just that my sensitive little soul over reading and over reacting and it needs to calm itself down. I am feeling sad that I seem to be the one of my friends that always takes the time to reach out and see how they are doing and to have a little chat regularly. But my sensitive soul is noticing that it’s always me doing the reaching and that hurts to be honest. I don’t quite know what to do as my mind over thinks it all and a part of me thinks what did I do? Was I too needy, did I annoy them by contacting too much? Like I get that people are busy but if you have friends don’t you make a little bit of time for them every so often? My mind is wondering if I just stop messaging for a while and see what happens or is that just being stupid?? Arrgggh what do I find relationships so complicated. Do I just keep going like nothing is wrong? I’m just feeling sad and blue about it all but I know this will most likely pass.

I need to calm it down and not upset myself, I need to be kind to myself and go within and figure out why I am having this insecure moment. I need to just know that I am loved and that people get busy and they have their own family and other friends. I need to trust that they aren’t bored with me and moving on. Maybe I need to learn how to reach out and tell them how I’m feeling, but will that blow the friendship. Oh geezzz stop it mind, just stop.

On a totally different note I have been thinking about my big fat fail at exercise and wondering what is it I need to do to motivate myself. Now I think anyone who has read a couple of my posts has figured out how much I love animals so I am thinking of a way that might work. I have already skydived to help raise funds for the SPCA and to me that was a huge mental challenge and tick on my bucket list. Well this time I am thinking of a physical challenge and there is a run / walk fund raising marathon for the SPCA in October this year. I searched fitness challenges for causes and it came up like a meant to be. Now there are 3 groups 5km’s, 12 km’s, 21.1 km’s (what the fuck is with the .1 seriously) OR the full marathon of 42.195 km’s (now .195??? this is getting ridiculous) . Guess which one I’m thinking of doing, if your gonna aim for a goal why not make it big right? And the bigger and harder the target the more likely people are to sponsor you for it. Oh and I would get to add marathon with a big fat tick to the completed list on my bucket list.

I’m living life sober and I’m determined to fucken rock it!!!

Exercise – Day One

Okay I had to put “Exercise” in the header because I didn’t want anyone thinking oh fuck she’s fallen off the wagon again. Nope, nope still sober 16 months & 4 days and counting and no desire to be any other way. There are times when I would like the ability to numb when I just can’t switch my mind off or when I get far to stressed but seriously I don’t want to use alcohol to do that anymore I will find other techniques and skills to deal with things now. I really have uncovered some crap in my life over the last 16 months (oddly enough I still can’t remember my childhood but my therapist said that may never happen) and I have been progressing and dealing with a LOT. Even though I struggle with it all at times and I do have many patches of depression and sadness I feel that I am much healthier mentally than when I was numbing it out and not facing those feelings.

Anyway I am stalling the real point of this post, today I exercised. Every day I walk my dogs at least once but it’s not really exercise because they stop to sniff the roses, grass, bush, pee trail you get the idea there is a lot of dawdling involved with lots of stops. I don’t normally hurry them because I am a believer in their noses and the scents they tell are telling them stories and would I want to be dragged away when in the middle of a chapter, hell no I wouldn’t. Today was a wet and windy day so instead of going outdoors for a walk I jumped on the x-trainer for 30 minutes. I might change my mind but I have decided that by posting on here with my boozing I was putting it out in the universe and making myself accountable. So here I am putting out that I want exercise to become a habit, I am hoping that by adding it into my daily routine that it will help with my depression as well. I am sick of being a sloth (I love sloths by the way) and am getting fatter and need to exercise but at this stage I am only starting with exercise and here is why. Every other time I have raced in and I have tried doing exercise and diet and therapy and sobriety all at once and frankly I got overwhelmed. My plan is to exercise every day and then when I am ready start on the diet.

Oh but I have added these shot drinks into my day that smell and taste like they came fresh out of the lawn mower. They come in powder form and you just add water and shake them up. The powder is made up of the following – wheatgrass, barleygrass, green pea, broccoli sprout, spearmint, manuka leaf, blackcurrant & boysenberry. I am really keen to see if these help me and as well as a zillion other benefits it is suppose to help with my anemia so lets see what happens. If your interested at all this is the link to them – http://www.nutrientrescue.nz

With regards to the gluten free diet my plans are as I use things up I will replace with gluten free, I have been gluten free previously for years so know I can do it. Financially I can’t afford to waste the current food and supplies I have hence just doing it as I run out.

Hmm I guess I am tackling exercise and diet at once in away. Oh one thing I love when I am exercising is some of the great podcasts I get to listen to and here are two things I remember from todays session that struck a cord with me. We are all wanting to be loved and to feel like we belong but there is a difference between a tribe and a community. These are what Tribe and Community originally meant or how they formed.

Tribes were formed out of a mutual hate. – Communitys were formed out mutual love.

Next statement that got me thinking – Humans have been given the ability to love more than evolution requires.

Both of those I got from listening to – Oprah / Super Soul Conversations – David Brooks / The Quest For A Moral Life

Living life sober, raw & real is a blessing and one I fully intend to be giving myself for the rest of my life. It is one of the greatest gifts I can give to myself.

To tell or not to tell?

For those of you that have been with me for a while will know that a huge reason why I drunk and became an alcoholic was to try to escape pain and emotions that I simply did not have the tools to deal with. I only say huge reason because the jury is out with me on if alcoholism is inherited as well as there is definitely a family history of alcohol and drug addiction along with some mental illness. But that is a whole another post and not what I am writing about today. Back to the drinking to escape pain and emotions of which one of the causes was being raped and not just once nor by one person. I have written about this before and after watching something today I have more I want to blog about this today.

So many victims speak out not for themselves but in hope that it helps others. A lot of what I post on here I mentally think that I am doing this in order to help others and that hopefully it will help someone who is going through the same to not feel so alone. I still think that but the more I do this blog the more I also see the benefits to myself of getting it out of my own head and hey typing it out is very therapeutic as well as often providing some clarity at the same time. Once again not what I want to blog about tonight lol so sorry I often do this as the thoughts tumble out of my mind.

I have written on here before about my rapes and how I kept them to myself for fear of the damage they would do to innocent people that I love. Also in my way of thinking I have felt that it would have a ripple effect just like when you drop a pebble in the water and the pain slowly casts a wider circle. Now this has been my choice and I feel it was the right choice for me and my family although I have paid a very high price by doing this and the fact that I was an alcoholic for over 20 years has a lot to do with this decision. The fact that I can’t even tell people on here who I am has to do with all of this. I have no shame about being an alcoholic and if someone was to ask me I would happily discuss it.

What occurred to me today is that although I think that writing about this sort of things will hopefully help others what if it is encouraging them to make the same decision and it is wrong for them! Seriously if you have or are going through the same thing believe me when I say my heart just ached for you as I typed that, I totally feel your pain. Just because I have written about my decision not to tell others for fear of the hurt it would cause (along with the worry that some won’t believe me not to mention putting them in the position of picking sides between siblings) that does not mean that it is the right decision. It is for me but every single case can be different. If you are going through it now or if you have previously and you do want to tell family or friends or reach out and get help DO IT. Please do what is right for YOU. Also if you are going through rape or anything that causes you pain or fear and you can’t decide whether or not to reach out for help please phone a help line or go to a therapist and talk it out.

Living life sober, raw & real is my choice and my decision and it is one that I am so glad I made. It has finally let me feel the good and the bad, happy and sad, mad and crazy I think you get the idea. While living the life of an alcoholic I was not feeling I was numbing and that is not living.

I Forgive Myself For Trivializing My Past

I had one of those “holy shit” moments today which I think was an important awakening in my personal growth, strength and inner peace. I was in the middle of a work out today and listening to a podcast from Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations and this one by Glennon Doyle: First the Pain, Then the Rising and it was good and gave me lots of food for thought.

One of the thoughts that came to me was enough to make me cry – I realized that I have never forgiven myself for trivializing what I have been through. Now I do realize that I have had to do this in order to be able to cope and to protect the people I wanted too until I was mentally ready to deal but now that I am dealing I think acknowledging this is a huge step. It is easier to deal with things by telling yourself that shit happens and that it’s really not a big deal than to face the enormity of it all. Well today I realized that it is a big deal, it’s a massive deal.

It has taken me a long time and an incredibly painful journey to end at this point now. In looking back I had my innocence, virginity, security, confidence, self-esteem, happy go lucky nature all stolen. In order to try to deal with all of this I turned to alcohol and I buried myself in it for over 20 years. I turned to it so I would not have to feel or think about what had happened. I mentally convinced myself that none of it mattered, I was still here and I had survived and hey other people have it much worse than I had it. Truth is I wouldn’t wish it on my enemy but I have survived it and I believe that I am a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person because of my experiences. I am sad that it took me so long to give myself the biggest gift of sobriety and that I numbed out 20 years but what is done is done and I can’t change that. I am going to send my younger self a message, hope she’s sober enough to take it in.

I would love to give credit to who came up with this quote but the annoying thing is there are numerous people claiming it. Who ever you are thank you!

Hey there you, I’d just like a moment of your time to talk to you if you wouldn’t mind. I get that you don’t want anyone around you nor do you want to let anyone in as a friend so I won’t take up too much of your time. I am you but it is quite a few years later and I wanted to let you know that your going to be okay. At the moment you really are going through a hard time and you are confused by the way you have been treated by others especially since they are people you love and trusted, even idolized. I really want to reach through this bloody screen and give you a big hug, it’s important that you know that there are good people out there. You are going to find people that you can trust again and that will love you just as you are and they will be there for you if you need a friend. What you are doing now is what it takes for you to cope and that’s okay, I think you are an incredibly strong person who is a fighter inside. At the moment you are telling yourself that what happened isn’t that bigger deal and that you are okay. What has happened to you is a big deal sweetie, it’s huge and when you get to where I am now you will realize that you are amazing. Inside you buried with all the shit and covered in the alcohol you have also numbed your inner Warrior but she is there. The pain and the hurt need to rest, they can’t deal with it all yet but they will. It’s never going to be 100% done (probably not what you wanted to hear) it’s like a record that keeps spinning around and each time something improves, every so often there is a scratch that will make it skip back. Wait long enough and the music will flow and you will dance again. There are going to be times when you want to take your life, thank fuck you don’t follow through because now looking back I can see that it wouldn’t fix anything. You are tired and you want it all to stop and it will you are going to survive and you are going to be glad that you do. I want you to know that I don’t blame you and today I forgive us for doing what we needed to do to cope and get through all this you really are a Warrior Princess.

Living life sober, raw and real isn’t always easy and lately I have been in a dark place and today realizing this has gotten me back into the right frame of mind. I was experiencing peaceful moments a lot and then all of a sudden I lost them. Following this awakening I was able to find that peaceful place again today and I just lay there in it for the longest time but I came back out so calm it was amazing.

Hiding Here / Alcoholic Voice

There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.

It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.

Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.

Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂

Drinking Is Stealing Your Life All While Your Under It’s Influence

When I was drinking I was so depressed and is it any wonder???? Seriously alcohol is a depressant, the heart medication I am on is a depressant, I already had a depressed part of me because of things that had happened earlier in my life. I seriously thought that I was dealing with it by drinking and numbing the feelings because I was too depressed to deal with them. I spent over 20 years just in a numb state because I thought that was an easier way to deal with things. You see one of the sad things about being an alcoholic is that it not only numbs but it takes away your logic and reasoning ability.

Alcohol along with your mind erodes your self esteem, numbs everything, makes you lonely, attracts weight gain, deteriorates your health, shrinks your bank account, wastes your life you have been blessed with. Nope I’m not being dramatic I just seeing now with a sober mind just what it did for me and that there was sadly fuck all benefits versus negatives. For me my self esteem had already had the shit kicked out of it and over the years I just bet up what ever was left over. I certainly was numb from the sad and the happy. Lonely well I didn’t want people around me, I didn’t want them knowing my dirty secret and I wanted to be able to sink bottle after bottle without worrying about Timmy keeping up with me so I didn’t look like a person with a drinking problem. Well the weight gain was a given you can’t suck in that much alcohol every day and not have it take effect along with the fact you are normally always just sitting on your arse guzzling. Ahhh my bank balance is a very sad story but that might not be common I don’t know but in the end with my fucked up way of thinking I spent everything and my logic was if I didn’t have the money to buy alcohol I would stop drinking. Ummmm wrong, credit card companies love alcoholic me!! The waste my life part doesn’t really need much explanation except now sober me can see OMG there is so much living and life I want to grasp with both hands and say thank you Higher Power!!

Hmmm trying to think of the benefits helps you fit in socially (well with the party side but seriously you don’t need the booze to do that) which is lame growing up I certainly didn’t aspire to grow into this funny, drunken, rambling, slurring idiot just so I could fit in with others in the same state but shit that was where I ended up for a while). Hmm it is a lovely way to reward yourself, help unwind, recognize the start of a weekend. Oh please what a load of shit, what a reward guzzling poison into my body so that I could unwind that much that I would eventually pass out and start my weekend with a shitty hangover or if I was lucky waking up with stink alcohol breath, a mouth that felt like the desert had invaded over night, a crook tummy for the day (probs cause I had poisoned the poor thing). Yep what a great way to start the weekend and then to just retreat because I’m not up to doing anything more than what I have to do and I avoid people because I can’t be bothered.

Living life sober, raw and real is the only life for me and tonight I did not start out to write the above but I am glad it has purged itself from my mind because that just reinforces that the best gift I have ever given myself is my sobriety.