Tag Archives: mind and body battle.

Sometimes things just keep on kicking you while you are down.

What the hell is it with life that when you are already depressed it just keeps kicking you in the guts. I shared with you all the other day that I am super depressed that my friend is leaving the gym (which I knew was going to happen but it doesn’t stop the pain).  While add to that now my Boss and his fiance (who I have become friends with) are also being transfered to another city. Plus another add this morning I find out that my friend at work has got a new job and she will also be leaving in 2 weeks time. To say that I am gutted is an under statement. I am incredibly lonely and it seems that my circle of sober friends are all up and leaving. Don’t get me wrong I think it is awesome that they are all moving on to better things and they all deserve it but it is all coming at a time when I really need them. I can’t tell them all that and I don’t want them to move on because I really need them at the moment. I am feeling so down in the dumps its not even lunch time and my mind is wandering to it would be great to have a drink.

This morning I was up at 5.30 and off to the gym which I thought would help my mood but I must be radiating bad karma at the moment because I came out even more shitty after not once but twice young girls came along and told me they needed my equipment and just took off with it. WTF seriously would they do that if I was a young fit male I seriously doubt it. I was already to start my box squats and along comes Miss Young and Perky 20 something who just grabs the box and says I was using that (she just came off the exercycle) I need that height for my circuit training. I told her that I needed that height too but no she took off with it, she must of felt a bit bad later because she brought it back after jumping on and off it and said we can share it. I used it for my set and then went to give it back and she said nah it’s okay I’ll just use this one. Well thanks for pissing me off. Next was another Miss Yound and Perky 20 something staff member who comes along and grabs the bar that I had just finished doing a set of pullups on and says I need that and takes over the stand with some nice young man showing her different techniques for things. I was ready to do another set but no they just stood chatting in the middle of the equipment looking at me like go away. If I was a man I would say grow some balls and learn to stand up for yourself but instead I did nothing. I am still feeling like I am a big fat phoney and am forcing myself and pathetic self esteem to go there in the first place.

Sometimes I think what the hell am I moaning and bitching about when there are other people in the world that have got so much other major problems etc going on in their lives and I should pull my head in and start counting my blessings. The thing is I can’t just shake off this depression and I can’t stop the overwhelming saddness I feel at the moment. I keep going to the gym in the hope that as my body improves my self esteem will follow resulting in a much better state of mind that can start to enjoy smelling the roses in life again.

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Mind and Body Are Telling Me To Have A Drink

It is now Sunday night here and I have now completed my first week sober and without a touch of alcohol (are they the same thing? I’m not sure because you don’t become drunk on your first drink do you?) and gotta admit I am feeling a bit shakey. I have the attention span of a……. oh Macarana…..oh look a puppy…. eewww facebook…… I think you get the general idea. My body seems to be joining my mind in protest of my decision to give up drinking for GOOD. I am having trouble shutting down at night to go to sleep and then I wake up early either because of bad dreams, very vivid dreams or feeling unwell or both at once. This morning I woke up with indigestion that made me feel like I was going to be sick, instead I started coughing and then the burning vile got stuck in my throat leaving me with the taste and feeling that I had been vomiting. That’s not all that is happening to my body but I think you get the general idea. With my brain and body screaming at me “just have a fucken drink” I don’t have much left to keep putting up the fight except for the part of my brain that is trying so hard to fight back it is screaming “shut up bitch, we’re doing this. One thing that I am hanging on to is when I gave up smoking a number of years ago I read a book by Alan Carr and I remember a message he gave about touching another cigarette. I can’t remember the exact quote but I do remember the general message went like the following – just by having another puff you are feeding the drug back into your body and providing it the strength to fight your mind again to want you to start again. If you can just hold on the residue will leave your body and the mind will return to it’s un-drugged state. Forgive me if I got that message wrong but that’s how I remember it.