The time has been ticking away without being able to use this space to relieve my mind of some of the pressure!

Well, well, well after such a long time of over a year and a half I can actually access my blog! I can’t believe it, whenever I tried to log into it all I would get was a white screen no matter what browser I used or trouble shooting I did. I have missed it and have no idea how many of my old followers are even still around. I really hope they are all doing well and if they are no longer here I’m hoping the reason is because they are to busy living their best lives.

I wasn’t expecting to be able to access this tonight so am not at all prepared with a subject or thought to share with you all so I guess I’ll just share my biggest event happening in my life right now. I’m currently awaiting triple by-pass heart surgery and am feeling like my life has been put on hold as I wait so I think discovering that I can get back in here is going to be great for my mental health as I go through this. I have to remember that I have shared a lot on here that could be very painful to people should it ever be discovered who functioningguzzler really is so I probably need to decide if I’m going to keep writing here or if I’m going to start up a new blog. Something I can share in here is that I am sure my years of abusing my body and being an alcoholic has certainly contributed to my hearts problems. There is a defect as well so it was always at an disadvantage but my alcoholism has doubled the problem.

There is so many thoughts and feelings I need to pour out on here that now I realise I can access this in the famous words of Arnie – I will be back (well before I get cocky as long as wordpress lets me!) oh and Arnie has been through open heart surgery as well FYI lol

Forgiveness + Peace

Forgiveness + Peace or Forgiveness = Peace, hmmm I’m not sure you decide.

If you flick back through my posts you will find that I was raped as a young teenager by my brother during his totally drug fucked stage of his life. He had it so bad, his habit ended him up in trouble with gangs and also with the courts it was so bad but that is not what this post is about. Before he fucked up his mind with drugs he was incredibly intelligent and could of gone a very long way had he applied himself. Unfortunately there was so much pressure on him to perform and excel that it really got to be to much for him and instead he choose the path of booze and drugs but the later was his escape of choice. It was during this really bad phase in his life that he raped me in a drug fucked episode and I swear that decades later he doesn’t even remember it nor a lot from that time in his life.

I have always had something from this that I just couldn’t explain to people and even to myself I think that can’t be right but I have always still loved him. Don’t get me wrong what he did fucked me up for years and years but that wasn’t just his fault but in this post I am focusing on this one event. It’s to hard to put everything down here as that would make an extremely long post but I have come to the realisation that I forgive him, I will never forget but I no longer want to carry any hate about what happened. I can see how it happened and I blame the drugs along with the reasons he needed them to escape.

But the forgiveness doesn’t end there I also forgive my parents who were major players in the pressure placed on my brother and who I feel should never of let me end up in that situation. But again I forgive and understand, they are all really good people. None of us are born with a handbook, I know that my parents did the absolute best that they could in raising us and there was sooooo much good. I almost feel shitty for writing this because I am NOT giving a free pass to rapists out there, it is wrong, it steals so much from your victims and what it takes from them can never be replaced so please don’t read this like that. I am just tired and I don’t want to live the rest of my life being upset and carrying the why’s, what if’s, how comes, anymore I simply want peace. I want to be able to enjoy the goodness of my family for what time we have left. That part of our lives was decades ago and we have all changed and grown since then. I am glad I never went public about it because that would of caused so much hurt in my family and it was the right decision for me! No one can tell a person how to feel nor how to react, only that person knows what feels right for them and we all have to hope that our choices are the right ones.

I have also been raped multiple times by my ex and that to was fuelled by alcohol and drugs but this post here is not the place for his story.

Why don’t people listen anymore??

Is it just that I’m not expressing myself properly or have people changed since covid? I’ve noticed more and more that people just don’t listen anymore. People are stressed, anxious and more often than not unhappy. The cost of living just keeps growing, interest rates for mortgages are forever climbing, mental health is declining and people can be just outright nasty with little regard for other peoples feelings nor the impact they could be having on others lives. I seriously didn’t mean for one of my first posts back to be so whingy or negative but it’s really how I’m feeling.

I tried to open up today to a friend expressing how I didn’t need to hear about certain things that are bad triggers for my mental health at the moment and I don’t even think she took it all in and just read the bits she wanted and next minute was talking about the exact thing I had just mentioned was triggering. It hurt as I felt vulnerable doing it in the first place but thought it better to be open and honest so she would know and not be one of the people that are bringing up the subject to me.

I really am getting tired of people and maybe that’s how others feel. I find myself retreating more and more and feeling lonely and isolated because of it but trying to join in is really brining down my mental health and I find people and events are just making me too sad and anxious. I really think there are so many people out there feeling like this.

Essential Oils

I’m trying so many new things and learning new things with my health coach, she is so freaking good!!! Her knowledge is just mind blowing and her ways are nothing I have tried before which I think is awesome. You all know what’s the definition of insanity, repeating the same thing and expecting a different result, well I’m ready for something different and I’m hoping for a different result. She really does treat the whole picture and she listens, like really listens and stays very interested in what’s going on. I think one of the biggest things I have learned is that I’m not lazy or useless I’m tired, I am so very tired with very little energy and I’ve been locked in a state of stress for so long that my poor body is in a constant “fight” mode just keeping my head above ground. It takes all my energy to try and lead a normal life and go to work to earn an income and just do the basics to keep everything running. My iron levels are below the low range and that will also be adding to me being exhausted.

I like that we are working on making my body better so it can heal itself and it is being done using natural things (don’t worry I am still taking medicines my doctor has me on) like supplements, essential oils, vagus exercises etc. They are all things I can take or do without exhausting myself any further and I reckon I am slowly feeling the benefits of them. Take for example the essential oils, all it takes is I dab either Lavender, Frankincense or Cinnamon onto the arch / sole of my feet and a little bit behind my ears on the pulse points. Oh and I also use Peppermint by just putting a drop on my face mask each morning. What do they do you might be asking, well each one helps with the following.

Lavender Oil – Stress, Pain & Sleep

Frankincense – Inflammation, Mood & Sleep

Cinnamon – Anti-Bacterial, Anti-Fungal, Immune System, Support Diabetes Symptoms (now if you’re gonna try this one, be careful it’s strong and one night I put a bit much behind my ears and by the time I travelled from the kitchen to the bathroom I had big red streaks and blotches all down my neck)

Peppermint – Anti-inflammatory, Anti-Fungal, Fight Fatigue, Lift Mood, Support Memory, Support Digestion

If you don’t want to put them on your body you can use them in a diffuser or if you have a bath drop a few drops in the water. There you go teaching you something from what I am learning and this is only a very small part of it.

Positive Thought Change Today – Sitting in traffic grumpy as I’m impatient and had so much else to do — STOP THE NEGATIVE THOUGHT — Change to yah, I get to sit here stuck in traffic with the coolest little dog in the car with me and got to look at his face giving me a loving look and then just turning to a marshmallow as I rub the side of his face and ears how he loves it. Not stuck in traffic rather sitting here in heaven with my little man ❤

Self Care

On my last monthly check in with my health / life coach I guess you would call here she asked me near the end of my session “what is one thing you are going to do for yourself this weekend for self care?” and seriously I just drew a blank. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t expecting to be asked that or if it is something that I am so out of practice of doing that I couldn’t think of anything. I’m not saying that in a poor little me way but rather in a way that I spend so much time helping others that my own needs are often last on the list and time just doesn’t let me get to them. You see by helping others it in turn helps me and makes me feel good so it is really a form of self care. As I typed this it occurred to me just what is the definition of self care and this came up.

Self-care has been defined as the process of taking care of oneself with behaviors that promote health and active management of illness when it occurs. Individuals engage in some form of self-care daily with food choices, exercise, sleep, and dental care.

I may be wrong but I thought it was broader than that in that it also involved doing things for ourselves that made us feel happy, good and that we enjoyed so maybe that’s called something else. I have to have my answer next time we catch up so now I know I am going to pick sleep, I’m going to make the effort to get more sleep. I’m often online until 11pm and then go to bed and watch some Gilmour Girls (funny I know but it is my go to for relaxing and falling asleep and has been for a number of years now) until I fall asleep. On work days my alarm goes off at 5am so I reckon I get between 5 – 6 hours sleep a week night if I’m lucky. There is often a wake up to go to toilet or the dog waking me up etc. It would be fair to say I don’t get enough sleep, nor do I get enough good sleep. Yep SLEEP it is, I have decided.

Today I also made an effort to try to keep thinking positive and my best example from today was in our neighborhood we have a community housing complex being built with around 40 homes in it. The contractors are allowed to work Monday – Saturday but not on Sundays or Public Holidays. I was walking my dog and could hear their heavy machinery, banging etc and a grumpy thought went through my mind about how my weekend walks with my dog would always be beautiful and peaceful not all that racket. I realized in no time that this was a negative thought about something that was out of my control and I could not change the situation. Instead I changed my thinking and thought how lovely that all those contractors have work and jobs. Many of them will have family at home to support and the income will be very much needed with the cost of living now a days. I thought if I was the partner or wife I would be happy to hear the noise because it would mean that my family was keeping their heads above the water. I also thought about the people that will be moving into these homes, they are for people who are currently homeless or living in temporary housing e.g. hotels etc funded by the government so they don’t have to live on the street or in such poor conditions that it is not healthy. To these people the racket of the machinery and banging, that noise would be exciting to hear as for them it means that they will end up in a home that they have been longing for and that their family will be able to live in a healthy home. By the time I finished these thoughts I was smiling thinking about how much goodness was coming out of this housing project. It was also not lost on me just how lucky I am that I own my home and are so incredibly lucky to do so – life is great.

Living in a Fantasy World

I reckon that I spend a lot of time living a life in a world made up by my imagination. I spend a lot of time worrying about shit that never actually develops. Oh not to mention I build up in my mind how people must view me and what they must think of me. Pretty rich really if you think about it as I’m sure people have a lot more to think about than me. Now is that me thinking that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, wealthy enough the list could go on….. Or is it my mind telling myself all of that????

Why do I always sabotage things that could lead to something really good and that would help me to feel better about myself? Prime example I have a health coach that is helping me to do an immune reset protocol and along with helping the body to be healthy I could also be losing weight while doing it. You just can’t help it with the diet you go on, no sugar, no gluten, no dairy, no coffee even!!! You get the picture, I get very bored and next thing something happens in my life and I zoom right off track and go for comfort eating. Lollies, ice blocks, cookies all the sugar foods that give a short boost to feeling good while I eat them. I need to focus and I need to do this not only because I want to lose weight but my cholesterol is high and needs to be a lot lower. I was pre-diabetic but thankfully on my last blood test I have lowered out of that range. I know I can do this but I let myself get so far and then I fuck it up.

Last thought for the night, I have a few knocking around and blogging is one way I let them out. Do I enjoy being miserable? Actually am I that desperate for attention and love that I focus on the negative in the hope that people will give me attention, sympathy, support and maybe a hug??? I don’t know but I do know that it’s addictive to start thinking negative thoughts.

Need to do – not just try to do what my health coach is asking but to actually DO IT!!! Focus more on the negative and find something every day that is simple but such a blessing to have in my life. That’s it for tonights ramble, just let it out and now go and get an early night because that always helps too!

Who is that looking back at me????

OMGosh I’m getting older and the other day I was about to start a zoom call and noticed these wrinkles on my neck and thought ahh what is wrong with the camera. Nothing I did fixed it either, so frustrating! After the meeting I actually went and had a look in the mirror and I’ve gotta be honest I don’t really recognize the person looking back at me! My skin it’s sooooo soft but it’s also like an old ladies skin and there are more wrinkles then ever before and the are just there. It’s not like it used to be when I would move things on a certain angle and the skin would bunch up and then I’d see wrinkles. It’s there, it’s just there!! Pretty sure my butt will be wrinkly as well because I can feel that the skin is so soft, it’s weird. There isn’t the firmness of the skin that there used to be but its soft. I know I keep saying it but it freaks me out and feels good all at the same time. As I type I’m looking at my hands and I see an old persons skin, soft with wrinkles, you can see some veins and there are some freckles or age spots (not sure which is which). It’s so weird I don’t feel old inside but on the outside and my body is starting to tell me otherwise. I’m not to sure how I feel about all of this, I know not everyone makes it to this age and its a privilege not everyone gets but I also don’t know if I’m ready.

Now I’m not going to promise to come back and post often but I’m going to try but I can’t always get WordPress to work and often all I get is a white screen. Does anyone know why and what you can do about it to make it not happen?

Also please don’t take offence because I’m not interacting as much with my friends on here. I’m struggling a bit mentally and find it really hard to read and stay focused on long posts. I’m working hard on myself and have an amazing person working with me, I guess you would call her a health coach. I am learning so much and currently am doing an immune reset which involves a strict diet and supplements. Part of what it does is reduce the inflammation in the body, did you know that mental trauma impacts the immune system and that can become locked in your body and you carry it around for years and years!! Mind blowing, anyway I might talk about that all a bit another time when I get over freaking out about getting old 🙂

Well, well, well it’s been a long time…….

Well I’ve finally been able to get back in here and be able to see more than just a white screen, it’s been a bloody long time my old friend WordPress. For those of you that have been with me previously just for the record I’m still sober and have no intention of being otherwise. Hope that’s not like teasing the alcoholic little bitch voice to a challenge or anything but I’d say it would have a hell of a job tempting me back to living a life in a haze again.

I’ve been missing having the outlet and still have jumbled thoughts go through my mind along with some negative back chat and depression so am so glad that I have found a way back in to be able to release some of this. I think I should point out that I do have so much good in my life but there are parts that can be dark and I think need this outlet. I was thinking today why can’t I just focus on the positive and when I’m in a dark moment snap myself out of it with just thinking on the positive. My answer came as I was out walking my dog, I don’t think it’s healthy to ignore the dark moments and in part wasn’t that what I was doing with my drinking??? I was numbing them out rather than sitting with them and giving them a chance to be thought through. All sounds a bit dramatic but what I’m meaning is I think in order to move on from them I need to process them, feel them and understand why I’m having them in the first place. What do I have to lose by doing it, nothing that I can see. I don’t mean dwell in so deep that I get stuck there but a bigger understanding and maybe an acknowledgement of I’m fully entitled to feel this / that way it’s not selfish. It might not always make for positive, happy, joyful reading on here but that was not why I started this blog.

Now lets see if I can publish this and even see if I can get back in here tomorrow to start shaking the nut tree and see what drops out.

Emotional Eating Epiphany

I had an epiphany today that just came out of the blue to me, one of those random thoughts that you find yourself thinking holy shit. One of the reasons I emotionally eat is because I view food as a friend, like not a friend you go to the movies with and maybe friend isn’t the right word. Food is my safe place, it has never left me, I enjoy the food I like, I have easy access to it and I don’t rely on anyone else to provide it for me.

It is linked to my loneliness, it is linked to abandonment, it is like a medicine that makes me feel comforted and happy while I’m eating it. Sadly I don’t feel the same once I’m finished then I start bashing myself about being a fat greedy pig with no self control.

I have some friendships where I really love the people but I also find them incredibly confusing and I don’t think I’m very good at this whole friendship thing. I think I need to try harder to find friends closer to me so I can actually have friends to go walking with or go for a coffee, go to a movie, whatever but someone that actually wants and has time to spend with me physically. It seems the friends I have now require a different level of friendship to what I am hoping for emotionally. I realise I’m not making the best sense and this is a messy post. Hmm I’ll try to give an example, I have a friend who we formed a relationship here online and then we actually got to meet and spend some time together. We had a good time and great chats and laughs etc it was lovely to have someone that I felt totally comfortable with. But now it feels like this person is happy to just let this be an online friendship with checking in via messenger only. I’m trying to think when was the last time I saw this person and it may be a year or even two years with the way time flies. Despite attempts by me to go and have a couple of hours together just for a catch up it never happens and feels that she avoids the subject by moving onto something else. I really do get that people are busy but I’m sorta looking for friendships that are more than that. Friendship is something I struggle with as I am an introvert but once I make one and someone drags me out of my shell I basically fall head over heals in love and would do anything for this person.

Back to the emotional eating, I am lonely, I am sad that my friends don’t make any effort to spend real time with me. Covid has made me even lonelier with people staying in their bubbles they just don’t mix as much as they used to, I’m talking about when we are not in lock down. Previously people have suggested joining clubs with similar interests and maybe find friends that way but the clubs / groups all seemed to of folded or now just have interest groups online as they don’t want to be getting together like they used to. Food is fulling a void and food makes me feel happy, I LOVE having the smell of something yummy cooking in my home, it is comforting and feels safe, it’s never gonna walk away from me.

Lock Down From 11.59am 17.08.2021 – New Zealand Until ……..

Well here we go again back into lockdown in New Zealand, it’s been over a year since our last lock down for the entire country so we have been pretty lucky really. Sadly Delta has touched down after someone brought it over from Sydney Australia. Delta is 2.5 times more contagious than the last round of Covid we had over here and it stays in your system for longer.

Couple of thoughts on being in lock down – I am pleased we are in lock down and super pleased that Jacinda acted so quickly that she put us into lockdown on the night they knew we had a community case even before it had been confirmed to be Delta. Here we are about 4 days later and we now have over 51 cases in the community with the majority being in our largest city Auckland and other cases in our capital city Wellington.

I really feel for my friend who is deaf as this is such a hard time for her as we all now have to wear face masks when going into essential services (everywhere else is either shut down or closed to the public). We are only allowed out of our neighbourhood for work if we are part of an essential service or for a nominated house hold member to do the shopping of groceries, medical supplies that sort of thing. We have to keep a distance of 2 meters apart from anyone that isn’t with in our bubble. A bubble is the immediate people that are living under the same roof and for people that live alone you can let 1 or 2 people into your bubble as long as you then keep that 2 or 3 people exclusive and don’t share your bubbles with anyone else. Since I live alone I have joined the bubble of an old guy I used to stop in and see while walking my dog on the weekends. He loves my dog, lives alone except for his little dog. It’s okay for a chat etc but he is an alcoholic so it’s a bit tough some times listening to his drunken ramble and I try to go earlier rather than later before he gets to topped up. I do feel a bit sad that I can’t go and visit my parents at all but I wouldn’t want to do anything to put them at risk. I find myself drifting between enjoying just being on my own without having anyone just popping around to feeling really lonely which is dumb as it hasn’t even been a week yet.

The divide between the people that believe this lock down is the right thing to do along with wearing masks, living in our bubbles and having / getting your vaccinations versus the refuse to wear a mask (the police will talk to you and try to educate you into putting it on or arrest you if you don’t), mixing with whom ever and how ever many people they want, anti-vac people is HUGE and very little common ground in-between them. I’ve found it best not to tell people what side I’m on until they mention something that tells me we are on the same side! For the record on here since 99.9% of the people don’t know who I am anyway I am fully vaccinated, agree with wearing a mask (even if you’re against it you’re not going to die from having to wear it for goodness sakes) and although there are things that are scaring me about the lockdown I feel it is the right thing to do. Whether it is and whether NZ is taking the best form of action only time will tell since we have never been in this situation before there are no guide books on what is right or wrong.