Category Archives: Childhood

Call Me A Survivor Never A Victim

I have shared on here previously that I was raped by a family member and then in later years multiple times by my now ex-partner I don’t go into it much on here and have manly used this blog as part of my tool kit for sobriety. I really have found enjoyment in the amount of people saying that my writing has helped them in their lives as well. I have decided to write a bit more about the rapes in the hope that it might help other survivors to not feel alone.

I am ready to tell some of my story and a huge part of me is bursting to just let it all out but I won’t. This time around I am only going to focus on the family member event. I am a silent survivor as in I have never told anyone about what happened to me, as in I have never reported it or told a family member. I have told very close friends that it happened but I will never go into full details. I think it is important that people realise that the people that do report rape are only a small percentage of the people that are raped.

The reason that I have never told anyone or reported it was intially because I was already struggling in our family circle to be noticed and hmm I was going to say loved but I don’t think that’s quite right. My mother loves me in her own way but she has not bonded with me anyway that is a whole another topic. So the family member that did this to me was the one that got the focus of my parents. I already knew that I was a disappointment to them and because I was young when this happened I believed that I would disappoint them even further by causing trouble for the family.

Now as an adult there is really no reason why I would tell them as it would not do anything but totally destroy my family. I have no proof of what happened, there was only him and I present and he was so off his face with drugs that I am positive even he has no memory of it happening. There is nothing that can change what happened by telling anyone. If I was to tell my parents it would literally break their hearts and put them in the position of who do you believe. Once again no point. Frankly a part of me would be scared that they would choose him over me in the matter. Can just imagine it now being outcast from the family as the family whack job. I don’t actually think about that side of it a lot because in all honesty I don’t know how it would go down. But I do know that there would be some terribly hurt people and it would be because of me telling about it that they would be hurt. My parents are elderly now and there is no way I want to upset their whole world by trying to clear my head and bringing out into the open what happened. Also the person that did this to me is still in my life and always will be as he is family. Like I said I am sure he does not remember it at all first off because he was such a drugged up mess and secondly because of how he behaves when we are together as a family.

My point of telling this is that there can be many reasons why people don’t report rape or even tell anyone about it. I see the whole #MeToo movement and it makes me cry when I read some of the stories or see any videos of people speaking out about their experiences. I also cry for the survivors like myself that are silent about what happened as I know there will be more of those than there will be ones speaking out. Please don’t ever forget we are survivors!

Thank you for the gift of sobriety which provides me with the clarity to think about things like this. I am hoping that as well as helping myself I will be helping other survivors along with hopefully helping others to understand things like this as well. I am living life sober, raw & real, and it freakin rocks.

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Finding ME!!!

I do a LOT of thinking and one of the things I have been thinking about lately is ME. I would say my posts are all about ME but one thing I am finding with being sober is that I am finally starting to find the real ME. Growing up I was always being and behaving how I thought everyone wanted me to manly in an attempt to have my parents love me. When I left home at 16 I then turned to being and behaving how I thought my partner wanted me to be. Once again I was trying so hard to be everything he wanted in an attempt to have him love me more. Once we broke up I was already drinking like a fish and I was so lost there was no way the real me could even come to the surface. I was struggling to breath and function with work and living that I was simply going through the motions. But this time around sober is different, I am starting to find ME. I’m not the easiest person to love because of my emotional baggage that even I find frustrating but it is all me. I am living life honest with the ones that really do matter to me. When I have insecurities they show and I am hoping that those people love me enough to stick around and help me work through these and reassure me that it’s really okay. I talk to myself a LOT in my head when my inner voice starts screwing with emotions and feelings and very slowly I am making progress. 

It’s an exciting, raw and real and often  painful at times but oh so, so worth it journey being sober. In order to feel the good I have to also feel the bad, sad and confused. If I turn myself off to those feelings it is impossible to feel love, happy & content. I’m looking forward to getting to know ME even more, the real me, not the wanting to please and desperate for love ME.

For families of addicts and alcoholics

I can’t remember if I have written on here before advising parents that when you are dealing with an addict or alcoholic member of the family please don’t forget any other siblings. I was one of those siblings with a brother with a drug and alcohol problem and my family was so messed up while dealing and coping with him that they simply didn’t have much time or energy left to worry about me. At the time I thought I was just being the good girl by not saying anything about just how forgotten I felt and doing everything to not be a problem and not cause any further worry to them all. A lot of this I did by learning to just keep everything to myself and dealing with shit myself and shutting down.

To see your parents broken because their idea of the perfect child was shattered and the fact that he spiraled out of control with nothing they could do about it is a terrible thing to witness. To have to watch your strong staunch father break down and cry following picking your brother up from a pool of blood after he got beat up from a drug deal gone wrong is a sight that I will never forget. To watch your mother become a shell of herself and then to lose her son / best friend / soul mate first to drugs and then through the courts is unforgettable. Funny I can’t remember my childhood but I can remember these bits. You would think witnessing this that years later I would have the sense not to end up an alcoholic myself but it just doesn’t work like that. 

I am reading a book by Brene Brown called – Rising Strong and I swear someone is messing with me because there are parts which are hitting me right when I need them and parts that I could jump up and scream OMG that is me!!!! This is one that jumped out today when I was reading – 

“For Claudia, the fact that her sister’s addiction and depression consume her family means that buried within her heart-break is the loss of her parents – the feeling that her relationship with them is diminished or overshadowed by their preoccupation with her sister. Holidays and family gatherings are good if Amy is doing okay, and they’re undercut by saddness and anger if she’s a no-show or arrives clearly impaired. It’s easy to understand why parents focus on the child who is struggling, especially when the other children seem to be doing well, but over the years I’ve heard many participants in my research talk about the feelings of grief and loss they experience in similar situations.” from – Brene Brown, Rising Strong.

Grief & loss is a really good way to explain it. No one intentionally sets out for it to happen that way but I did, no do, feel robbed of a family life. I have a mother that had bonding issues and to add to this I had the loss of both parents as their world caved in over their son. Things happened and he moved away and the family never heard from him for 2 years. My poor parents didn’t know if he was dead or alive so they just went through those two years living as best they could be obviously full of pain and emotionally shut down. 

Please, please anyone out there that is reading this that is going through this  like I did I just want to reach through and give you the biggest hug and say “you matter, you fucken matter, I see you, I see your pain and I see your light ❤ you are so important”. To the good parents out there going through this, hey you can have another hug and my message to you is – “Yes this sucks, no it’s not fair, if your a good parent then the chances are it’s not your fault but please, please don’t forget to make time for any other siblings. Please tell them they are loved, that they matter and that you are so proud of them. Depending on their age it’s not wrong to apologize to them that this is happening and that it is not their fault and you are sorry that it is taking a toll on the family. To all of you, I really, really, really wish you luck and hope you all come out the other side. 

Do I really want to remember???

Today I had a memory come at me out of the blue just because of the use of the word “home” in a message. I remembered that I had to have counselling when I was a kid, I think I would of been around 13 at the time. We used to live in a show home (Dad was a builder) and it was a flash home but the counselor said to me that I was lucky to live in such a lovely home, I told her it was a house not a home. When she asked me what I meant I told her a home has love in it. I can’t even figure out why I would of been having the counselling, it was around that age when my brother did what he did but would that cause me to block everything?

I can remember things from when I was about 16 on which is when I left home but I can’t seem to remember anything much from my childhood. I do not have any child memories and I have no freakin idea why. A part of me is trying so hard to remember because it upsets me that I don’t have any but another part of me is so scared to remember. What an earth could I be blocking?

I have a theory and it could be totally off track but if I get it out of my head I might be able to figure out if it’s relevant or not. My mother was very sick and had a hysterectomy but things did not go well. She started hemorrhaging, she was in such pain that she was praying for God to take her now (she was religious then). The medical team had to work quickly on her and they had to do some terrible things while she was fully awake and aware. Apparently the pain was incredible and she just wanted to die there and then. She has been pissed off ever since with God for not taking her and has never forgiven him. I only know all of this because I asked her why was Dad religious and yet she no longer was (I know that she used to be because she has talked about playing the organ in different churches) she told me that was what happened. I actually think that I may of been the reason for all of this because it would of been around the time I was born. She spiraled into depression after this and was stuck in depression for years to the point that she would just take off and be found in a city a long way from home. I reckon that she never connected with me at all as no bonding happened and I can see how she would of blamed my birth for all of this. She had bonded with my brother and it was a really strong bond that they have never lost. Apparently I would cry and scream for hours and hours and she would stick me at the other end of the house to ignore me, god it must of been terrible for her. A screaming baby is bad enough but to have that on top of her depression would of been torture.

On a side note I watched a documentary today and one part of it was on orphans and how they rock and it is a way of self soothing themselves, ummm when I am in pain or upset I rock!!! It used to piss my ex off because I didn’t even realize I was doing it but I do know when I do it know since it’s been pointed out to me. I can actually see a connection now with my rocking and self soothing and actually understand how I would of started this habit.

I keep wanting to write a post to explain that my parents really aren’t bad people and I believe that. No one is born with an owners manual, my mother suffered from depression and she had a really bad relationship with her own mother and I don’t think she ever connected with me. It’s really not her fault and I should imagine she feels terrible about it as no mother wants to admit they feel no connection with their kid. I don’t hate her for it in fact I love her and I know she loves me now in her own way. Our relationship is a lot stronger now at our ages and I think a lot of that is because there are no expectations. Dad was so busy working day and night so he could build us our first house. I might never forgive them for not protecting me or having the adult foresight to see I was in danger leaving me with my brother but I do understand. I do reserve the right to chop and change my mind as I post on here working things out though 🙂

Just Lost

I really am going through a phase of feeling quite lost. I know I have started to build an amazing tribe around me with a few select beautiful souls but I feel lost in my own family at the moment. I feel lost in the life I am living, work, family, old friends and life in general. As I have been going through and dealing with my old luggage and pulling out old demons and shaking them off and facing them I am now finding that I am having a hard time being around some of my family. Shit I even struggle to look some of them in the eyes at the moment. I don’t regret what I am doing at all, it is painful as hell and it is one of the harder things I have had to do BUT I feel this time around I am making huge progress and it is a necessary part of my sober journey this time around. I now strongly believe that a huge reason why I fell off the sober train last time was because I didn’t do any of this work. There is something bugging the shit out of me though and that is just how little I do remember of my child hood. I’ve mentioned this before and so many things have come flooding back to me and that was in overload when I went back to my home town for a visit. The memories were so strong I came back here and wrote a post (which I took down but will put up again one day) and found myself sitting here thinking shit is my mind making this up because it was really bad memories. I actually sat here doubting myself and had to re-read it to myself and the sad thing was then I realized ummm no I hadn’t made it up it really was that bad. The thing I find surprising as the person that I am now (I have mixed feelings about saying person I am, I have always been ME and that person was ME no one else) is that I stayed and put up with all that shit for so long! I just can’t figure out why the hell can’t I remember my childhood. I honestly can’t remember being a child, who the fuck forgets their childhood?????

Something else I have been thinking about is looking and moving forward and where to now. I don’t know and I have never been a goal setting person but I think that was because I was living my life numb. I honestly did not give a shit about myself and what happened nor were I ended up. Oh actually there has been one part that I have worried about in the future and that is dying alone. Isn’t that weird, I still have so much living to do but I have worried about that.  I really think I need some goals and some things to work towards as I am seriously drifting through life at the moment. I don’t have things to look forward to and I don’t want to keep working where I am. I REALLY want to either work helping people with mental health or addiction OR both problems OR I want to help pets especially dogs and yet I don’t know how the heck I am going to achieve either. I don’t have any money to pay for commencing study so will have to find another way or work towards something. First goal is to learn how to set goals, sounds stupid right but honestly I have never set them before. I am thinking teeny tiny weekly goals, tiny monthly goals, yearly goals and maybe 5 year goals, I don’t know but this is just one of the things rattling around in my mind at the moment. Oh any and all suggestions idea’s welcome as always 🙂

Having a clear sober mind makes even thinking of looking ahead possible were as before this numbed out mind wouldn’t of been capable or given a shit enough to want to do it.