Category Archives: Childhood

I never thought…….

  • I never thought I would watch smoke rising from a burning house and then learn that a man was in that house after murdering 2 people and having a confrontation with the police
  • I never thought I would hear of a people getting off a rape charges because the victims wore a pretty bra or had a Tinder profile so must of pre-empted it
  • I never thought I would grow up to be the victim of multiple rapes
  • I never thought that I would grow up to be an alcoholic
  • I never thought that I would die on an operating table and be brought back to life
  • I never thought when I was younger that I would not be able to have kids
  • I never thought that I would grow up to not be able to remember my childhood

We really can’t pre-plan everything in our lives so that we shield ourselves from anything painful or bad or sad it just doesn’t work like that. We can’t protect ourselves from everything it’s just not possible but I strongly believe that we need to have these experiences in our lives to help us grow mentally and spiritually. I am not saying “hey rush out and find all the shitty things you can because they will teach you a lesson or two” don’t do that because if you need the lesson it will come your way.

One thing I do think now which is off on a different tangent is that we are all capable of and should be trying to do good and find something that you are passionate about. Something that you really care about and want to help make better e.g. for me my passion lies in animal welfare, maybe yours is helping other addicts, maybe it’s helping dementia patients, helping the homeless the possibilities are endless.

Living life sober, raw and real causes me to have thoughts like the above. Sorry I’m still getting myself back to balanced and things are still a bit all over the place. As jumbled as this is and as unprofessional as my writing is it does help me.

Feel free to tell me your thoughts at any time e.g. what was it that you never thought……..

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Therapy Session 4.2

Okay that is not a photo of my Mother and I in fact now that I think about it I don’t know of any photos of us both together apart from at my brothers wedding oh and one family portrait. But anyway as part of the therapy session on Friday my relationship with my Mother came up and the therapist asked me just where is my thinking at now with her. If you are interested in the session where we discussed my mother here is the link – https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com/2019/03/02/therapy-session-2-2/

I will always be hurt that my mother and I never bonded but I do know that she loved me in her own way and I will always love her. The way I feel about her is that it was not her fault that she had a break down after I was born, she was probably going through it even before I was born. She was obviously not in a healthy mental state and I blame poor mental health for the way she coped with me as a baby and that there has never been a bond formed. Sadly none of us are born with a handbook and I am sure that under the circumstances she did the best that she was capable of doing. She is not a bad person and due to her own upbringing along with her mental and physical health I know that she was not in a position raise me. I am sure there is guilt there not only from her but from my father and sadly that wall has never been smashed down to build a bridge with the bricks left over.

What happened with the abandonment and lack of nurturing will always remain with me and it is a part of me. Interestingly the therapist told me that the lack of nurturing has a huge impact on the level of self care we are able to provide ourselves. Self care is something that I seriously struggle with and have to consciously make sure I do my best to give myself the care I need. The abandonment and lack of nurturing has certainly affected me and any relationships I have in my life now. If they are serious relationships, and I’m not talking sexual here, then this is something I think I will have to work through each time in order to trust and let people in. But I am now, thanks to the therapy, able to identify what I am doing and why and stop beating myself up and understand what is happening.

I accept what has happened and understand, it is part of what has made me who I am today. I will never have the close bond that I desire and you know what that’s sad but it is okay as well.

Living life sober, raw & real has given me the gift of getting to know the real me and for that I will be forever grateful.

The Power Of Words

Today I went to another therapy session and it might be my last for a while but I will explain that when I have more time. But today something was said to me that I was blown away to hear by my therapist. The reason I was blown away is that while growing up I was always told that I was not the smart one but they were proud of how hard I worked to try. I was repeatedly told that I was a slow learner and that they were proud that I worked so hard all the time studying trying to understand or catch up. Your brother was so fortunate he got the brains like your mother and you well you try. There was always a back hand followed by a tap on the head, it was like your not good enough but lets throw her some encouragement to keep trying. It always left me busting my arse trying to do better and be better but most of all it left me feeling like a fucken idiot with a below level intelligence. What’s the saying if you judge a fishes intelligence by it’s ability to climb a tree……. oh here it is.

But today my therapist told me that I am so full of wisdom and so intelligent and such a quick learner. I seriously sat there looking at her thinking April Fools was over a few days ago lady. But she was serious and when I realized that I could of cried. She went on to say that what a pleasure I was to work with and that I had actually taught her a few things. She loved my way of looking at things and how my thought process worked.

I’m 100% sure most of you know just how crippling it is to be raised repeatedly being told that you aren’t this or that and pity your weren’t more of this or that. You grow up with the self esteem that is smaller than a pecan nut (trying to think of the smallest nut here lol) and you truly believe it because they are the adults / parents, shit they would know. They even have something to compare you with so they would know the difference. Here’s the thing just because someone is family doesn’t make them right. Just because they are family doesn’t mean you have to believe them. I am now over 50 years old and guess what apparently I have an amazing calming nature and I am very wise. I am also very smart and intelligent and those things have been recognized by someone and today they were acknowledged and that felt fucken amazing.

Living life sober, raw and real is really the only way I want to live the rest of my life and I have the power to do exactly that. That makes me very happy and I am not going to let anyone take that power from me because I am wise, smart and intelligent!

Dear Baby Me

Hey there Bubba how you doing? Let me introduce myself to you……. I am you but you decades on. I just really wanted to drop by and have a little chat with you, first off and most importantly let me tell you something – You are so loved, wanted and worthy of love!!! I wish I could reach into that cot and just hold my hand on your little body until we stop the rocking. Then I would reach in and I would lift you out of there and I would hug you close and kiss your little head. Goodness knows how long you have been in that nappy your a pretty smelly little thing but I’m gonna fix that right now. This would probably feel very foreign to you and you might even fight it for a while but I promise if you slowly relax you will feel how good it feels. Now as an adult I actually love a hug from my friends the family still doesn’t hug and you didn’t grow up feeling comfortable hugging them either. But hugging my friends makes me feel loved, it makes me feel secure and it even helps to make me feel like I am worthy and can achieve things I never thought possible. Tell you what I would also of found something else for you to drink because it turns out that you are allergic to cows milk and that is what gave you sore tummies so that you would scream the house down. I think I would move a little radio into the room with you so that you can start to nurture your love of music and also so you would hear voices.

I have the overwhelming urge to explain to you that our mother is not to blame for what happened to you as a baby. You see she had a terrible time having you she was going through a breakdown at the same time. You most certainly aren’t to blame but the fact that you were feed cows milk would make you scream the house down. She would of been concerned about the vomiting and runs that you suffered but because she wasn’t well she simply couldn’t cope with you. She had our brother to look after already and he was older and so much easier so you spend a lot of time locked at one end of the house with the doors closed so you could scream yourself to sleep. You have learnt how to self sooth and this is something I only learnt about while watching a documentary shows how clever you are that even as a baby you worked this out for yourself ❤ You probably won’t be surprised to know that you still do a form of it now when you are upset or unwell so that is something you have kept as an adult. Anyway back to Mum she really needed help and by locking you at the other end of the house it was better because it stopped the chances of her hurting you while she lost her shit. Mum will have to carry this for the rest of her life and when you get to know her more you will be able to see that she is a beautiful person with a very kind heart who was simply unwell. She really did have a hard time growing up with her own mother and struggles with affection but she does love you so no matter what happens don’t forget she loves you as does our Dad but he is working so much he only comes home briefly to sleep.

Your going to be looked after by your Nana & Poppa for a while and when they can’t look after you it’s okay you will go and stay with your Auntie and Uncle. You will be really well looked after and you will find your real hero in your Poppa, he loves you like crazy and you will be his Princess. Your Nana is a little bit like your Mum and really struggles to show to much emotion but she will tend to all of your needs. This will be for a few months while your Mum gets better.

I have so much more to explain to you but I wanted to give you that cuddle and make sure that you know you are loved. I am going to kiss your little head and this time inhale the pure baby smell which will now smell like baby talc lol. What you are going through now is what has made you into me and tell you what I’m fucken proud of just who we are starting to be now. Hold on Bubba your gonna make it because your one strong spirit and your going to grow up into a lady who has an amazing heart and incredible level of empathy. You’ve got a bit of a journey ahead of you and no matter what happens I promise together we are going to make it. I have to put you back in that cot now but never forget this moment because I am always traveling with you Bubba.

Living life sober, raw and real lets me have moment just like this.

First Therapy Session – Part 2

One thing that my therapist said that made me smile but is so true was “No one wants to become an alcoholic, no one wakes up one day and say’s I’m going to make it my goal to become and alcoholic. They just don’t, it’s not something we decide we are going to do.” Shit not a truer word has been said, not once did I think I wanted to be an alcoholic and yet here we are. I even kidded myself for 20 something years that I wasn’t an alcoholic but was just a binge drinker. Anyway that was just one of the little pearls that she mentioned and I think there are going to be many more.

When it was my turn to speak (I could at any time but preferred to just listen at first to all her explanation on how it works with working with her all the time sizing her up and trying to decide if I wanted to work with her or not) I told her that I have been an alcoholic for over 20 years and that this time around I have been sober for over a year. I explained that I wanted to work the hardest I ever have to ensure that I stay sober and was hoping that she could help me. All the while she was listening and every so often writing. There was lots of “that was really sad” or “you really have had a terrible time in your life” which made me feel so uncomfortable. It didn’t take her long to tune into some things and ask for further clarification on them. We discussed one of my rapes and I explained how I felt about it and my thoughts on it now. She said that I have a good way of thinking about it, but I can tell that won’t be the last I hear of it. A bit later she brought it up again and said how terrible he actually took your virginity, hmm yep he did and I hadn’t really thought about that before I don’t know why but just haven’t. Anyway there was more things like the not bonding with my mother and how I watched a documentary on the Romanian orphans and how because they weren’t cuddled or handled much they rock back and forth in their beds to self sooth and how I do that. We talked about how I need help with dealing with friendships in a more healthy way and not cling on so much and then push away when things get to close. She explained that this was totally understandable and links back to what I have been through. When she asked about my childhood I had to tell her that I don’t actually remember my childhood, this simply brought the comment of “there is a reason for that“.

At the end of all the talking she said what she would like to work on with me first is mindfulness & self caring. She said she wants to help me increase and be able to tap into the peaceful times in my mind. I am not 100% sure what she means on self care, whether it is more me time or more health and exercise I don’t know. Oh she said that she will be working on my ability to be okay with people leaving me and that I will learn that I will be okay if they do and I will even be okay if they don’t come back. I am not even sure what that one has to do with. I know I panic about my friends going away overseas but we didn’t discuss this side of it so she has tapped into something else. She told me that she has tapped into the fact that I am intelligent and smart and that she thinks I will quickly learn what she teaches me and also at learning what methods are best for me.

Today was difficult as I had to explain to my boss that I was seeing a therapist and that she only works during the same hours that I am so I will need to take time out of work. Thankfully I had already told him years ago that I was an alcoholic so I didn’t have to go all over that again. I have asked if we can find away to not let the rest of the staff know what I’m doing, I’m not ashamed I just can’t be fucked explaining anything to them.

I am living life sober, raw and real and I am working my arse off to full my tool box with the tools it takes to ensure I stay that way.

Call Me A Survivor Never A Victim

I have shared on here previously that I was raped by a family member and then in later years multiple times by my now ex-partner I don’t go into it much on here and have manly used this blog as part of my tool kit for sobriety. I really have found enjoyment in the amount of people saying that my writing has helped them in their lives as well. I have decided to write a bit more about the rapes in the hope that it might help other survivors to not feel alone.

I am ready to tell some of my story and a huge part of me is bursting to just let it all out but I won’t. This time around I am only going to focus on the family member event. I am a silent survivor as in I have never told anyone about what happened to me, as in I have never reported it or told a family member. I have told very close friends that it happened but I will never go into full details. I think it is important that people realise that the people that do report rape are only a small percentage of the people that are raped.

The reason that I have never told anyone or reported it was intially because I was already struggling in our family circle to be noticed and hmm I was going to say loved but I don’t think that’s quite right. My mother loves me in her own way but she has not bonded with me anyway that is a whole another topic. So the family member that did this to me was the one that got the focus of my parents. I already knew that I was a disappointment to them and because I was young when this happened I believed that I would disappoint them even further by causing trouble for the family.

Now as an adult there is really no reason why I would tell them as it would not do anything but totally destroy my family. I have no proof of what happened, there was only him and I present and he was so off his face with drugs that I am positive even he has no memory of it happening. There is nothing that can change what happened by telling anyone. If I was to tell my parents it would literally break their hearts and put them in the position of who do you believe. Once again no point. Frankly a part of me would be scared that they would choose him over me in the matter. Can just imagine it now being outcast from the family as the family whack job. I don’t actually think about that side of it a lot because in all honesty I don’t know how it would go down. But I do know that there would be some terribly hurt people and it would be because of me telling about it that they would be hurt. My parents are elderly now and there is no way I want to upset their whole world by trying to clear my head and bringing out into the open what happened. Also the person that did this to me is still in my life and always will be as he is family. Like I said I am sure he does not remember it at all first off because he was such a drugged up mess and secondly because of how he behaves when we are together as a family.

My point of telling this is that there can be many reasons why people don’t report rape or even tell anyone about it. I see the whole #MeToo movement and it makes me cry when I read some of the stories or see any videos of people speaking out about their experiences. I also cry for the survivors like myself that are silent about what happened as I know there will be more of those than there will be ones speaking out. Please don’t ever forget we are survivors!

Thank you for the gift of sobriety which provides me with the clarity to think about things like this. I am hoping that as well as helping myself I will be helping other survivors along with hopefully helping others to understand things like this as well. I am living life sober, raw & real, and it freakin rocks.

Finding ME!!!

I do a LOT of thinking and one of the things I have been thinking about lately is ME. I would say my posts are all about ME but one thing I am finding with being sober is that I am finally starting to find the real ME. Growing up I was always being and behaving how I thought everyone wanted me to manly in an attempt to have my parents love me. When I left home at 16 I then turned to being and behaving how I thought my partner wanted me to be. Once again I was trying so hard to be everything he wanted in an attempt to have him love me more. Once we broke up I was already drinking like a fish and I was so lost there was no way the real me could even come to the surface. I was struggling to breath and function with work and living that I was simply going through the motions. But this time around sober is different, I am starting to find ME. I’m not the easiest person to love because of my emotional baggage that even I find frustrating but it is all me. I am living life honest with the ones that really do matter to me. When I have insecurities they show and I am hoping that those people love me enough to stick around and help me work through these and reassure me that it’s really okay. I talk to myself a LOT in my head when my inner voice starts screwing with emotions and feelings and very slowly I am making progress. 

It’s an exciting, raw and real and often  painful at times but oh so, so worth it journey being sober. In order to feel the good I have to also feel the bad, sad and confused. If I turn myself off to those feelings it is impossible to feel love, happy & content. I’m looking forward to getting to know ME even more, the real me, not the wanting to please and desperate for love ME.