There is something that I feel a bit odd about at times and that is the fact that 99% of you don’t know who I am and don’t even know my name and yet you know more about me than 99% of my friends and family. Isn’t that a little bit crazy?? I think it is anyway, there is a few of you that I would love to be more than just blogging friends with but really can’t decide if that would make things awkward or not. I think with the couple of friends I have that know about this blog and that I do have contact with off here I worry sometimes (yep I’m a worry wart) that when I talk about certain things that they might wonder if it’s about them. Oh actually even as I type that I came up with the answer myself, I am so direct that I am pretty sure they know that if I have something to say or was worried I would just talk it out with them. Anyway back to the not saying who I am thingee, the reason I do this is not to protect myself but to protect others and to ensure that my history and things that have happened to me never gets back to the people I am trying to protect from it all.
It does feel odd though because it feels like I have done wrong because I am not willing to share that part of myself with you all. I discussed with my therapist the reasons why I have kept to myself the rape by a family member and also the abuse and rape from my ex. To bring them out would cause so much hurt and pain especially to my parents and they don’t deserve that. Being on here and letting it out along with going into therapy has let me finally release so much and for that I am so grateful. I wonder if one day I will type my name when I am typing something talking to myself as I type who knows.
Oh I had another thought today while I was thinking about last nights post and how lonely I currently am. It is actually quite interesting when I was drinking I didn’t have the lovely Soul Sisters that I have now BUT I didn’t want them because I was not living a life that I was proud of nor did I want anyone knowing about or coming between me and my dirty little alcoholic secret. Now I have friends but they are all busy and or in different time zones and I know they will always be there for me in a heart beat if needed but I am still lonely. Now here is the kicker and a sharp reminder of what a bitch my alcoholic brain really is. Today I actually had the thought “why not go back to drinking, your so lonely at least if you a numb and not thinking you don’t worry or feel it?”. See that, see how cunning my alcoholic brain is???? God I hate you, you little bitch! I never want to drink again but there you are, you just sit there dormant and wait until I am at a low point and then you try to sneak out and drag me back in again, fuck you.
Living life sober, raw and real is full on at times and I’m sad and blue at the moment but this will pass and I am climbing out of it at least I can identify it and hey even though the feelings aren’t nice I am feeling them and that isn’t something I denied myself before. Time to start plans to get my groove back again I reckon and I am starting with the fact I am smiling about today. Hey alcoholic voice you tried but guess what I’m not interested I would rather feel like I’m feeling than let my addiction start again 🙂
I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.
I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.
I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.
Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.
Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!
I watched the new Brene Brown show on Netflix the other day and I love her words of wisdom so much. There was so much that stood out to me and one of the things that she said made so much sense to me. I think we have all been guilty of saying at some time that we couldn’t give a shit what others think and Brene said that this is just not a realistic statement because we are actually hard wired to give a shit. BUT and here is the but we should be selective in who’s opinion we take notice of. This is so true and something I try to focus on. There are a few people who’s opinion really does matter to me and that is my parents (although as I age I do have some opinions on things that doesn’t match with theirs) and my Soul Sisters. Basically it is people who I love and who I know love me and have my best interests at heart. So rather than saying I couldn’t give a shit what others think about me or what I do I think it is nice that I have some people in my life who’s opinions I value enough to give a shit about.
Living life sober, raw and real takes it to a whole new level and it is freakin awesome.
Okay I am going to write this out here and maybe I will cop some abuse for it maybe not but there is a side to suicide and mental illness that I believe does not get discussed enough and needs to be. I want to write from the side of a friend of an incredible lady that suffers from mental illness and yesterday external influences that have pushed her over the edge an she posted her final farewell with the full intention of taking her own life just to get rest from it all. This may appear selfish because I know it’s not all about me but there needs to be focus on the innocent victims of mental illness as well. I am also writing this with a past history of myself wanting to take my own life. In hindsight I can see now that I didn’t want to kill myself but I too just wanted it to stop, it is exhausting to reach and feel this way. You are so tired you have already fought for so long and you really need to stop the pain, desperation, hurt and feeling that there is no way back from where you currently find yourself. There probably is but you are so tired your ability to see this is also exhausted and those sort of hopes and visions ran out a long time ago.
Today I am tired so very tired, the amount of adrenaline that pumps through your body when you are trying to find a loved one or hoping to hear from others from your support group that one of them have found you and that you are okay is insane. Then to see that you had been found and everyone was celebrating but I was sitting there is tears because no one was saying if you were dead or alive. Then the message came through that all is well the police in a town are transporting her to the nearest city. I hated doing it but my reply back was that’s great but is she okay, is she alive??? The reply that came back was “oh shit I don’t know I was just excited to hear that they had her”. It is one thing to have you but it is a totally different thing to know that you are okay. What had you done, what damage had been done, where you still with us if so at what capacity????? I think you must be still with us because otherwise why would they transport you!! It was another two hours before a message came through saying that you are in the hospital and that the Police are working with Mental Health services to help you and that there would be an update in the morning. Seriously that was great and told us that you must still be alive but nothing about the state of you -FUCK!!!! Once again people where celebrating and saying thank fuck but I was sitting here with a sense of disbelief that the person that gave the update didn’t at least tell us how you were.
I kept checking my phone through the night and nothing it was the first thing I looked at when I woke up this morning and again I cried. I cried as I read a message from yourself saying that you were home again and that someone was with you and you would be taking a few days to rest and regroup. You explained that you realized you were in trouble and had ended up driving yourself to a towns Police Station and they helped you from there. Everyone agreed at the hospital that provided your friend stayed with you going home to your animals would be the best place for you. So the Police drove you back from the hospital to your car and you both drove home from there.
Seriously I am not angry with you but I am angry with your mental illness and what it does to you and also what it puts us all through. This was the start of a long weekend and the roads were crazy busy and here was a suicidal lady driving in it – scary thought. You have been running an animal rescue from your own which I have been watching the amount of animals increase at an alarming rate. I know they always help you when you are down and them needing you helps you focus and regroup but they are a huge emotional and financial drain. This week was extremely hard for you in the rescue world with 3 deaths but none of them were your fault. Those animals were sick already and the people that gave them to you should of either taken care of ending their suffering or nursed them in old age themselves not passed them on to a rescue. Now today I am sitting here and watching your friends fight. It seems just like having an asshole everyone all so has an opinion and they are coming out. They are arguing because some are trying to figure out what to do with the animals others are saying leave you alone you need time fuck the animals you won’t let them down. It is getting ugly with the fighting and it’s so hard to watch. Everyone is tired and emotionally drained. I fully understand both sides but the fact they are falling apart rather than coming together is not helping. With the hard week in rescue combined with the continued bullshit treatment from our Government departments no wonder you reached this dangerous level. Apparently there is a wait for the counselling you require and that really sucks because you need help in realizing that these shitty events must not mean that you can’t see anyone out other than to take your own life.
I am sitting here wondering what I can do and fully aware that I have to be careful not to go charging in with all guns blazing because I am still on my journey of healing myself. It is not your fault and it’s not my fault but I don’t know what to do as I can’t keep riding this roller coaster but I also can’t abandon you. You are one of my friends and I love you, you don’t abandon your friends but I need to work out healthy boundaries for myself.
Finding a silver lining in this – The past 24 hours has been so stressful and the thought of sitting down and having a drink to relax sounds lovely but I know that for me that just isn’t possible because I NEVER stop at just one drink. Also I am not ruining over a year sober because of fucken mental health. See I have the clarity in my mind to know this part of me. Living life sober, raw and real feeling every bit can be hard but there is also beauty.
Today I had a friend attempt to take her life and that sucks, this is not the first time sadly and I doubt it will be the last time. You can’t help but wonder how many times are we going too be so blessed and lucky but there might be just that one time and it actually happens. Tonight she is in hospital and the Police and mental health team are working together to help her. This will be with her family and friends but today was really scary as hell. To see a friend post thanking everyone of her friends and family for all their support and trying to help her and then telling the ones who gave up on her to go fuck themselves was so hard. She even went so far as to tell everyone to please make sure her animals are looked after and that X will know which ones can’t be separated. Oh and please use everything she leaves behind to go towards the care and welfare of her animals. She apologized for not having the strength or energy to fight anymore and said goodbye. The scary part was that she lives in the county and this was the start of a long weekend. We had messages flying and calls to the police happening and it was a race for who could get there first. The bloody traffic was horrendous because of everyone starting to go on holiday so there was delays for everyone. Tell you what next time I am in traffic and someone impatient is trying to get somewhere in a hurry I will be letting them through because you don’t know it could be a case just like this. It ended up with about 20 people at her home and she wasn’t there!!!!
The alert when out through the Police and thank god she was found in a town about 2 hours away. We have no idea why she was there and don’t even know if she knows why, maybe she was driving to end it all so we couldn’t find her and stop her. The Police got to her in time and she was transported to a hospital an hour away. It was a bloody long wait waiting to see if she had survived getting there and also while they treated her. I cannot explain the relief I felt to know that she was doing okay tonight and they will update us all more in the morning.
Couple of things here on what has happened, mental health problems don’t just go away. The absolute worst thing someone can say to a person in the depths of depression is that they only attempt suicide to get attention. Government departments need training on how to deal with suicidal people and when they are told they are suicidal to leave them the fuck alone and maybe show some compassion and get a welfare check done on them instead of cutting off their benefit because they haven’t completed all the necessary forms. She is not capable of concentrating long enough to complete your fucken forms. You treated her as if she had a choice and was just putting this all on. Do you seriously think a smart and talented lady like her wants to live and be like this???? She doesn’t she is living in hell and can’t even read a book because she can’t concentrate. Do you think she wanted to go from running her own successful business to living on the sickness benefit??? Far out people learn compassion and empathy and learn that people are not just a number on their file.
Tonight I hope she is sleeping peacefully and getting some rest because after today I would say she hasn’t been for some time again this time around.
Living life sober, raw & real is allowing me to feel it all but also to be totally present for those I love. I am sad that I didn’t see this attempt coming but that is the thing with depression & anxiety & desperation the suffers can portray that they are happy and busy so you leave them alone. You stop checking in each day because you think they want to stand on their own but inside they are a mess. I am so sorry my friend that you reached this point again, I can’t stop the rain but I will stand in it while holding the umbrella over you for as long as you need.
Not sure what I feel like writing about tonight so just bear with me while I just purge what is knocking around in that head of mine.
Well I did cry today because my friend was leaving in to go and live overseas again 😥 I did lay on the couch and pull my hoodie up and over my eyes as I lay there totally sad and blue because I knew she would be at the airport waiting for her flight out. I lay there so long I ended up falling asleep for a while after I pulled a blanket over me trying to positive thought myself out of the sadness I was feeling. You know the sort of positive thoughts…..If she didn’t live this lifestyle we would never of meet in the first place…….She is such an amazing person and has family and friends who also deserve some time with her……..She will be back again some time next year…….I am so blessed to have her in my life……In the time that we have been friends this lady has built me up to believe in myself……..She has encouraged me to grow and reach out for help…………We got to celebrate my one year soberversary with her in the country and had the most amazing time and had ice cream & sorbet together just talking while watching the beach………..She already has so many amazing friends in her life the fact that SHE CHOSE TO REACH OUT TO ME was fuckin amazing on it’s own……I could go on but you get the idea there is so much positive. But then I had to tell myself hey it is okay to be sad and it’s perfectly understandable. I woke up later and decided my sad arse needed fresh air and there is no better way of getting this than walking my two fluffy butts. So harness up the dogs and off we go, it really does help me so much in times of sadness. I came home again and knew that if I left messaging her much longer I would miss her as she would be boarding soon. So I sent her this –
Followed up with – • Message Me When You Get There • Missing You Like Crazy • Have A Safe Trip • Sleep Well • Refuse Too Say Good Bye – See Yah Soon (But Will Hear From Each Other HEAPS) • Our Bench Will Be Lonely • Oh Screw It – Love You My Beautiful BFF
After receiving “Thank you sweet friend. Love You” and we chatted until she had to board I was smiling through sad tears. I am going to miss her actually being here SO MUCH but we will be staying in contact as much as possible and tell you what it’s going to be one hell of a meeting when we finally get to see each other again and give each other a hug in real life.
Well there you go I did have enough rattling around in that mind of mine to make up a post for you all. But let me add here just for the record I am so glad that I am living life sober now. If I wasn’t I seriously doubt that our friendship would of developed into the love that it is now. Without making myself vulnerable and open to her we would never of developed the depth in our friendship that it has now. Also without her incredible nature and mind blowing way of making you feel that you really do matter and that she wants to hear everything and that she really cares……. oh where am I going with this….. hmmm oh that’s right without all of that and her encouragement I would not of found the inner strength to reach out and get the help I needed with a therapist. (((Sigh)))) I miss her so much already!!!! But if I was drinking I would not of recognized just how blessed I was to have her reach out to me and to have the sense through a clear mind to grab it with both hands. I have had to learn a lot about good friendship because previously I have pushed them away and some times it has hurt like a bitch but I could not of found a better teacher who has so much love and patience with me.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only way I want to be now because just the blessings that I have received so far are mind blowing.
My friend leaves the country tomorrow night and this time I won’t be seeing her again until some time next year and that breaks my heart. All I can say is thank goodness for social media, email, messenger and what ever other way we can find to stay in contact. As she boards the plane I will be here and no doubt crying, I can already feel the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed to have this person in my life now and if it wasn’t for her lifestyle moving back and forwards between countries we would never of meet. Because of that I am grateful for her lifestyle and I love that she has so many amazing adventures but I am also sad and that is okay. She has told me that she will always be here for me but there is a big difference between having a friendship online and meeting every so often for a catch up. Online you can’t see how the person is, you can’t hear the emotion in their voice, you can’t read their body language or the way their face and eyes talk. Online you tend to grab moments when you can, try to keep it brief and things get missed out. We are all so damn busy in our lives as well that we mean to email etc and then things get in the way and it gets dropped down the list and next thing you know a bloody month has gone and nothing. Arrrgggghhhh now I’m just making myself sadder.
I am still waiting on test results for my little dogs kidneys and trying to stay positive there as well. My bestest little mate is in trouble and one of my BFF is moving away……….big sigh and mindfulness ain’t cutting it tonight.
Living life sober, raw & real is the only life for me now.