God I can be a fucken insecure idiot!!! There really is no better way to describe myself and how I get all worked up and build up shit in my own mind. How the hell do my poor friends cope, although in fairness I moan, cried and carried on about it on here and didn’t actually tell them and thank goodness for that. If I had told them I would of felt even stupider than I do right now. I even feel dumb sharing this on here but it’s better I share my insecurities and crazyness with you all than you think poor little me (well on this one anyway lol).
So I got myself all upset because I thought a couple of my Soul Sisters that I had asked to share my soberversary with has forgotten. These two amazing souls are always so busy, they both have so much going on. I LOVE my Soul Sisters so much, I have never had a sister so these are super special because they are my chosen sisters. Would I die for them? Hmmmm you know what I think I would. Yep I am procrastinating and not getting to the point.
On the weekend my beautiful Soul Sister hmmm I keep wanting to give her the nickname Lala (probs cause she makes my heart sing) because I don’t want to use her real name on here. ANYWAYS she asked me when are we celebrating your soberversary? I really was so freakin happy!!! She remembered, woop, wooop feeling so blessed right in that moment. Oh my God it is amazing how much my feelings can fluctuate with my friends, I really do ride an emotional roller coaster and I am the craziest driver!! Not just a hazard to my own mental health but can be hazardous to others as well! Now she can’t do anything on the actual date but we do now have plans for a get together on the 10th, YAS!!!!! so happy and I absolutely love any time we get together.
Now onto second Soul Sister who made contact tonight, I can’t think of a nickname for her yet but anyway while telling me what dates she is going to be out of the country she drops in so when are we getting together to celebrate. Shit I’m surprised you can’t all see my smile from where ever you are in the world!!! These ladies really do work so hard and have such busy lives that the fact they both remembered without prompting shows me how much they really do care and what a total idiot I have been. I told her I honestly thought she had forgotten with her crazy life. We can’t do anything until she comes back home again but then we will. I am really hoping that I can do something with her and Lala because they are both so special to me and have both meant so much to me this year. Without them (and the support of my other Soul Sister oh and you all on here) I really wouldn’t of seen the potential I have got to make the rest of my life into something AMAZING.
These Souls Sisters were hmmm what I would call friends but not really that well known until this past year with my sober journey and along with my blogging Soul Sister I really couldn’t of been blessed more than with these 3 amazing ladies, all so smart, funny, loving, caring, hard working, empathetic and oh a must for me all love animals. I feel so stupid that I felt the way I did and that I carried on like I did feeling all let down. I am such a slow learner I have to learn that I can trust and rely on people but also if they do let me down it’s not because they don’t care but simply because they forgot or life has got too busy.
Signed very sorry I ever doubted your level of caring my Soul Sister Tribe XOXO living life Sober, raw & real, is so fucken awesome. Without it I wouldn’t be living the life I am now with visions of a bright future.
Now I’m not stupid as in I know that I am an alcoholic and that doesn’t just go away because I am not drinking and I know how easy it is for the wheels to fall off the wagon and end up back at that horrible day one again.
I have no intention of ending up back there but nor did I the other times I did either, but that’s not what I am focusing on here. One of the better ways to avoid that happening again is by building what I call a sobriety tool kit. I am the most important part of that tool box because this is something I can either make work or I can fuck it up it’s that simple. But with the help of the other tools the chances of that not happening are much better.
Apart from myself my biggest and most treasured tool is my Soul Sisters, they are the biggest blessings that I have been given. Is it bad that I have in the back of my mind that if something goes wrong with my Soul Sisters it could be dangerous because I love them so much and it would hurt like a bitch? I hate that part of me, I treasure the best parts but weigh up the bad possibilities as well. I think that if you care deeply for people there is always going to be bits that hurt and that is just a fact of life.
My Soul Sisters love me, support me, are there for me if I really needed them each in their own way. They are also great at being honest with me and they all have different strengths that they bring to the relationship. I really just wanted to put down here how much I love them and the fact is if I had not let them into my life in the last year (and them let me into theirs) that I don’t believe I would of been able to fight as hard. There is a very real possibility with my alcoholism that I would of gone back to drinking. With my drinking I would of slipped back into depression and suicidal thoughts would of been a part of my life again. Because of the fight I have had and the wonderful choosen sisters I have I am a much better and stronger person.
I LOVE being sober, there are good days and there are bad days, but the good days are more often than the bad now. Living life sober, raw and real, is so very worth it.
I am so freakin sensitive and emotional, I have always, always felt things very deeply and I have always had the ability (hmmm not sure if that is the right word) to feel others pain deeply. I don’t know if at the moment the fact that I am menopausal as well is increasing it but pretty bloody sure it would. I feel sorry for my friends some times but I think I am pretty good at hiding it. I hurt so easily and even have to tell myself to stop being stupid in relation to often taking things that the say or do the wrong way. I think I need to wrap myself in fragile tape or something.
I used to push everyone away and not let people in but now that I have let people in I LOVE them so much!! But letting people into your life isn’t always easy as I have insecurities because of my past. I’m pretty sure we all have things that we are insecure about but there are one’s that I have that can have an impact on my friendships. I have shared on here parts of my upbringing and the fact that I was the forgotten child which got apologized for later in life. While that part of my upbringing has left me with the insecurity of needing to know that I am loved by people that I love. I’m not talking about people that I just call acquaintances or just your run of the mill friends, I talking about the deep meaningful friends that you share everything with and are totally open to them Soul Sister type friends. At first I did a fucked up thing and panicked as one of these friendships was pretty new and tried to push them away again. It was pathetic and I bet myself up so badly for it I was a wreck, I was so pissed with myself for doing it. Funny enough she forgave me straight away and moved on but I couldn’t and stayed stuck for days. Anyway now I am going through a period of needing to know that I am loved and valued as a friend. I also have this little voice sitting on my shoulder saying they are too good for you they are going to get sick of your insecurities and drift away. It is all a huge mind fuck that I put myself through.
Once again I have to keep over riding my Crazy Cracker Mind (CCM) from these irrational thoughts. Letting these thoughts get out of control could have the exact outcome that I am letting CCM tell me, absolute fucken madness. I keep trying to tell myself I am a bloody nice person and I might not be pretty or super smart but I am worthy. I also keep telling myself that these amazing ladies are so fucken awesome and they are really caring and smart people. I don’t believe they would of become my friends just to walk away now. Incase your wondering YES I will be getting professional help for all of this and I am on a waiting list with a therapist. This all sounds like crazy arse talk and I’m really hoping that at least one person (not that I want anyone to feel like this) says hey me too!!! just so I don’t feel like such a reject.
Oh on the subject of therapist I was checking out a life coach as well but after being honest with her she has advised me to do therapy first and to work through my pain and issues then come back to work with her.
All of this thinking (yep even the CCM part) and realizing that it is a problem that I need help with is all noticeable to ME now and only because I am sober. I am no longing living under a bullshit cloud / haze of alcohol, I am not numbing out the bad along with the good (there is still plenty of good) I am feeling and dealing with it all raw and real and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Okay prepare for another ramble as I try to get something out of my head and get a grip on how I’m feeling. I have this really shitty habit of expecting things from people and if they don’t work out then I get hurt. I’m one of those people that does a lot for others and really don’t like asking anything in return. I highlight asking because often in my mind I do expect to be shown the same amount of love, willingness to be a really good friend but I think my level of expectations is rather high. I don’t make friends easily but when I do I really smoother them in love and have a huge desire to please and feel appreciated. It’s hard when you know that you are probably being unreasonable in your expectations but you are hurt because you get let down.
Probably best if I give you an example, I have friends that I know if I was ever in trouble and really needed them they would be there or supporting me via emails, messages etc. Anyway I was going to write about something totally different tonight until about 15 minutes ago when I was catching up with a friend. I have asked a couple of friends if the would like to celebrate my soberversary some how and both basically said hell yes. But since that conversation we haven’t discussed it at all and I really don’t want to ask or remind them. Tonight I messaged one of them to see how she was going and check in to make sure everything was okay. She let me know that she is probably going away for up to 5 weeks and I can tell that she has completely forgotten about the soberversary. If she had of remembered she would of brought it up for sure. It hurts that I ask for so little and yet it’s been forgotten.
I thought this time around of being sober I would treat it differently and do something and that no better way than with a couple of soul sisters but now it’s not looking like it’s going to happen. A part of me feels selfish because I know they have their husbands and family that all need their time but it’s not like we get to see each other often at all as in this year it might only be a couple of times. My friends are beautiful amazing ladies but are so damn busy I would love to see them and hang with them but it just doesn’t happen often at all. I know if she brings it up I will say it’s okay it doesn’t matter, which will be bullshit otherwise I wouldn’t feel this disappointed. How much should you expect from a friend? Only as much as they are willing to give? Or as much as you expect? But when do your level of expectations become over the top. It’s like you shouldn’t expect anything in return for your kindness, I know that, but in all honesty when it comes to friendships if all the interactions become withdrawals and there are no deposits you start to wonder if you are being taken advantage of because you are lonely.
Previously I would of just thought fuck it and got pissed, now I don’t want to but I also don’t want to feel this way. I love my friends and would literally do anything they asked of me (I know they would never ask anything that would hurt me or totally stupid) but tonight I am hurt. I will probably end up looking like an idiot if she does remember but sadly I don’t think that will happen this time around. This time around instead of getting pissed I am just going to go to bed then at least I won’t end up feeling worse than I am at the moment, God that sounded like a drama queen. It’s not that bad just hurts a bit and I’ll get over it. Living life sober, raw & real isn’t always easy but it is so bloody worth it.
I don’t know why but this time around sober I am excited that my one year anniversary. It’s less than a month away now and I’ve never bothered to celebrate it previously in my sober journeys (yep this is not the first time around for me, nor the second etc) but this time around I feel totally different about being sober than I have every other time. Having never celebrated it previously makes doing it this time seem even more important to me.
So today I ordered a new charm for my bracelet and it’s super cute and inside it says “Be Yourself” and that for me is how I want to be forever. I want to be my authentic self, not what someone else wants me to be, not what I think I should be for people, just being ME. Around my friends I want to be myself and not worry that I am to much for them (I love hard and I’m not afraid to show it). I don’t want to have to worry about sounding dumb or that my opinion doesn’t count because I am smarter than I give myself credit for and if I have an opinion then it must count.
I’m also trying to get together with a couple of girlfriends for something like a celebration lunch and would be so excited if we manage it. Hopefully they are both in the country at the same time and we can work around everyone’s work commitments. Anna!!!! I wish you were here so you could come and complete my Soul Sister Tribe ❤
I think previously I have been rather blase about my sober journey and I think, well actually I know that it was because I was always giving myself the option to drink again at anytime like it didn’t matter.
Living life sober, raw & real is the best gift I have given myself BUT it is also the gift I must never take for granted and always realize the importance of staying on this sober journey.
Well today marked my eleventh month anniversary so in my normal style I am marking it by coming up with eleven reasons why being sober really does feel like magic. I have included things that ARE better and things that I am working on to be better. NONE of these would of been possible had I not given up drinking. This list is not in any particular order.
- LIFE –Living under the hazy cloud of being an alcoholic isn’t living, I was just turning up and going through the motions with very little feeling involved.
- FEELINGS- The GOOD & the BAD emotions, I’m feeling them both now and sadly it’s impossible to have one without the other but that’s okay because I am dealing with them and no longer burying them.
- FREEDOM – I was a prisoner of my own making with my drinking. Once I got home from work or that magic 5pm on the weekends happened it was time to crack open a couple of bottles (the first one always went to fast) then the next etc. After those first 2 I was always too nervous to drive anywhere (thank God) but now if I want to go somewhere I can at any time.
- AUTHENTICITY – I am working on this one this year and want to be true to myself. I simply want to be myself not what others want me to be.
- MOTIVATION – Living a life where all you do is drink, sleep, go to work repeat really sucks. Now I find myself motivated to do more and be more.
- BONDING – Okay sure you have friends when you are drinking and they can be awesome people BUT when you are an alcoholic you really do shy away from having friends because you don’t want them knowing your dirty little secret. Now I have made a few new friends who I treasure so much. We have bonded on a much deeper level because I’m not hiding anything. I’m not worried about getting away from them so I can go home and drink more on my own (don’t want them to see just what a lush I really am now).
- INTEGRITY – I believe that I have more integrity now living my life sober. If I say I am going to attend something or do something I actually turn up and do it, previously I would of found a reason to be a no show purely so I could stay home and drink.
- HONESTY – With my super duper friends I am living a life of pure honesty and it is so much easier. There are things in my past that I am not going to share with just anyone but to these Soul Sisters I am totally honest and open. It really does make things so much easier because I think it also helps them understand me and my insecurities a lot better rather than just think I’m an insecure pain in the arse they understand why I have certain traits that I do. It is so much easier being honest because I don’t have to try to remember how much have I told them etc. If they have a question they know they can ask and if I’m not comfortable answering I will explain why I can’t yet.
- CLEANLINESS – I have noticed that my house is a lot cleaner because I actually have spare time on my hands to do things like housework. I’m talking more than just the basic laundry, vacuum, wash dishes. Things that I used to just put up with now I look at and I have the energy and time to fix it.
- TIME – Without sitting here drinking every night until I pass out and then wake up feeling like crap in the morning after a terrible nights sleep I find myself with a lot more time on my hands. It is amazing, no that’s not the right word it is fucken exhausting all the time and energy put into drinking at the level I did. Not just the drinking but the time wasted dealing with the side effects of drinking. I love days when I wake up early and I love seeing the sun rise, although I don’t get to do it that often because I am also a night owl BUT now I have the option if I want to I can.
- FRIENDS – Okay I have touched on this a bit in the honesty and bonding but the best gift I have received out of going sober (apart from sobriety itself because that fucken rocks! ) is my Soul Sisters and the love we share. They know my journey and they support me, love me and are there for me. In turn I am always here for them and love them and will always be here for them because they are now my chosen Sisters. The best gift is to be needed and in turn have them be there for you. These friendships are not based on drinking and partying, in fact I have never had an alcoholic drink with any of them now I think about it. These friendships run so much deeper because we really do enjoy each others company and love deep and meaningful conversations. I don’t know about all of you but I have never had such deep friendships with my drinking buddies.
Okay excuse any typo’s in here because I really am tired but it was important that I got this done today. I have absolutely no regrets at all for deciding to live life sober and fully intend to remain sober for the rest of my life. Living life sober, raw & real is exactly how I want to live and exactly how I am living. Now I have a month to decide what I’m going to do for my 1 year sober date 🙂 I have asked 2 of the Soul Sisters if we can do something and they have both said hell yes, well not in those words but you know what I mean. Hopefully it works out because with them both going overseas having busy schedules it might not so I might have to find another way to celebrate but I can promise you right now no matter what I do I will not be touching any alcohol for this celebration and I’m bloody happy about that.
One thing I always try to do on here is share the good days and the bad. I don’t want people to think that I trot around on a unicorn and shit rainbows everywhere because that just doesn’t happen. The good days are far out weighing the bad days and I have to learn how to deal with ALL emotions without them being numbed and some suck.
First off one of my volunteers is seriously over weight to the point that she is unable to hold down a normal job. Another one of my volunteers is a personal trainer and I thought hmm what about we see if we can do a team challenge with some of them for weight loss. I was up for it cause I’m fat as and need to lose some as well and thought if enough of us do it then she will find the support good. Anyway I was thinking we would just do our own things and see how we go. Ummm no we had to provide all measurements and weight etc. The first blow of the day came from this, seriously I knew I was fat but to be told that I have 16kg’s to lose hurt like a bitch. Talk about a wave of memories of being called the fat kid, pity your the chubby kid, pity your brother is so slim it should really be the girl that is slim blah blah blah. My self esteem went crashing down.
After I sat around feeling like shit I thought okay I can do this and cranked up the X-Trainer only to find out that it’s faulty atm and needs a part replaced if what my searches found out. I have emailed the technical support for this brand asking about the problem and if there is a local service agent since it is out of warranty. Sat there thinking oh fuck me I wonder how much it’s going to cost to get it fixed since I don’t have spare money so depending on the outcome of that it might have to stay broken. Okay so now I am feeling fat and broke.
Already feeling blue I notice a friend online and think yah this will help cheer me up. This is the friend I talked about that went away overseas and I was thinking it was going to be for a long time but only ended up being for a few weeks. I asked her when she was coming back and it’s going to be in a matter of days!!! Woop, Woop yep happy mood back on for a few minutes and then she told me that they will be off again in a few months and they might be back for a little period at the end of 2019 otherwise not until 2020. Boom my heart shattered into 1000 pieces. I fucken hate how I react when I find out she is not going to be living over here. I love her so much (like a Soul Sister) and she really has been the most understanding and supportive person I have ever meet. I have felt closer to her in the last few months than I have anyone else. I SHOULD be happy for her that things are going so well for her and her husband. I should be grateful for what time I have had with her. Instead I get all upset to the point of tears because I don’t want her to leave. When she is here if I really need her I can make contact and even make a plan to go and see her. While overseas I can’t just go for a drive and see her. We are on different time zones with her being 16 hours behind me and with work commitments for both of us and social commitments for her it can be real hard to catch up in real time. Also just over messenger I really try to keep things brief (hahhaa I’m not that good at it but tend to just cut out things). Also it’s normally evenings when I become free to chat and by that time she has long gone to bed. This is a powerful friendship for me and I love it but this side of it is proving challenging. I really don’t feel that things are shared the same when you just have a 5 minute chat here. You basically cut it down to how are you, how was your day and then it drifts off. So now I am feeling fat, broke and lonely and MISSING my friend.
I have to find positives in this and climb my way out of this sad sack hole. Maybe hey I can work on loosing the weight, staying home and not traveling to see friends means I can focus more on paying off the debt, I do get to see my friend when she comes home this time for a visit and if it wasn’t for her current life style we probably wouldn’t of ever meet. I fucken hate feeling like this, I feel like that girl up the top walking along dragging my teddy with a quivering bottom lip.
I am glad that I am living my life sober, raw and real. I could numb this all with alcohol but in the morning none of the above would of changed and I would have a hangover from hell after not drinking for so long. AND I would hate myself for drinking, fucken hate myself.