Still here and still stuck in a bit of a rut, feeling sad, lonely, depressed and struggling. I am just struggling a bit at the moment but will ride it through. Some of you will remember when I was drinking so much at the end I spent all my money and then some throwing myself into debt. All of this was backed by the totally irrational thinking that if I had no money to buy my booze I wouldn’t be able to so would be forcing myself into giving up. Fuck I wish it was that easy, it’s not all it did was make me find more creative ways of funding e.g. getting more credit cards or store cards which the liquor outlets would accept running myself even further into debt. One thing it taught me is that an alcoholic will always find away if they want to. Anyway I am now 15 months sober but still deep, like up to my eyeballs in debt and it fucken sucks. I am spending all my money paying off the debt and paying vet expenses on my dogs. Let me make it clear I would spend and sell everything I own to keep my little dog with me for and extra hour, day, week so I do not begrudge that at all and do feel blessed that I have an income to do this with.
But I am starting to wonder if my dream of becoming and Animal Welfare Inspector is going to have to go on hold even longer and it is just feeling like it’s beyond reach. I have to find $6,000 to cover my course fees then money for text books, travel for when I have to attend uni and money for while I attend the week long courses 3 times through the year. Sadly the SPCA is only funded by about 1% from the government and the rest is from donations etc so the chances of them paying are zip. I am finding out if I can apply for fee free study BUT here is something I hadn’t thought about. While I was going through the craziness of leaving my ex and was full on an alcoholic I attended university and can you believe I can’t even remember if I passed and nor can I remember what I studied. I was such a fucken mess back then, seriously. Anyway I need to find out if I passed these subjects at all because if I have so many pass credits then I don’t qualify for the fee free. It has taken me 3 weeks of dealing with government departments to even get my student ID number. Christ I couldn’t even answer the minimum 3 questions to get the answers I want. First question = name, haha I got that right. Second question date of birth, snap got that one right. Third question what was my address when I was last studying, I have provided my last 3 addresses for the last 16 years but nope it’s none of them (apparently the last time I studied was 10 years ago, go figure). I know I have only lived in three houses in that time so tried my work address as a long shot – nope not fucken that either. OMFG how can I of used another address and why would I. Also they can only find a record of one course even though I know for sure that I passed Principles of Canine Behavior. If they can’t find the others I don’t care and don’t really care that they aren’t on my record, shit maybe I wasted a whole year and didn’t pass anything but the Canine course. That would be good because then I would probably be below the minimum and qualify.
Grrr I am so shitty that I have got myself in this position. I am lonely as hell for my friends but they are all so busy and I am so down and shitty with myself that I probably wouldn’t be the best company anyway. FUCK, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck why do I do shit like this to myself. I know that I will dig myself out of this but at the moment it is just overwhelming that my little dog is sick (but doing well at the moment because of the extra vet care – BONUS and huge blessing) but my vet bill is behind. My car needs repairs and I have no money so that has to wait. Dealing with government departments is torture (not the person on the other end of the phones fault they don’t make the rules but fuck me). I was so excited about do the training for Animal Welfare but now the reality is setting in that because of my debt it may not happen. It’s not just the fees but the fact I would need to find a position and might have to move but I would also be earning quite a bit less but not sure if I can afford to pay my debt etc while doing that. Oh bah humbug that’s just all a reflection of my current mood. Grrr I just feel sad and alone and struggling. I will dig out of this but it’s taking me a bit at the moment and also taking all my energy just to get up and put on a happy face and carry on like normal.
One thing I am very grateful for is that I am living life sober, raw and real and none of this shittyness is going to take that from me. Even through this is a down phase I will come through this I just need to find my mojo again. My red blood count is down again so once again I am anemic which is causing exhaustion which isn’t bloody helping. Beep, beep, that’s me honking the horn of my happy little car getting ready to bounce over the ruts lol (see how silly I can be even without the booze). Gotta laugh or else I will cry at the moment.
I’m going through a period were I’m feeling a bit lost at the moment and along with it I am feeling sad and lonely. I think I am going through an extra sensitive patch and things aren’t as bad as they are feeling but it’s not stopping me from feeling the blues.
I’m missing my friends as they all seem to be very busy at the moment and I get that but it still doesn’t stop the loneliness of missing them. You know the sort of loneliness where you reach out to them all but days go by and you don’t here anything. I know they care and I know they love me but it just makes me sad and lonely. I’ll probably get replies from them all soon and then I will think oh geez you silly billy how needy are you. As each day passes with no replies I feel myself getting sadder and more lonely.
I’m also struggling with my eating habits at the moment, I know that I want to lose weight but am stuck in a rut and keep emotional eating. I’m not exercising apart from walking the dogs and yet a part of me wants too but I mentally just can’t get my arse in gear. I aren’t sleepy at night but sleep in each morning through lack of sleep and am exhausted all day long until the evening when I get tired but my mind and body just don’t want to sleep. If I’m honest I am lazy as well, I’ve never been a sporty person so the fact that I’m tired and sad along with lonely there just is nothing in me to get myself into doing any exercise.
Now I’m kicking myself for being the needy friend, lazy, fat and feeling pretty pathetic and as much as I try to focus on my blessing of which there are many I can’t focus on them for long before my mind goes back to being sad and depressed. Hmmm I need to have a loving talk to myself and break out of this cycle. I need to start making a plan and small steps towards getting out of this rut. I don’t think I need to go back to therapy but it is something I haven’t crossed out doing.
Living life sober is the only way I want to be now but it doesn’t give you a magic wand to change everything and to fix all your mental pitfalls. As I finished writing this I felt a tear fall but it also occurred to me that I stopped my daily habit of writing on here and maybe I need to start that again. I’m financially fucked and vet bills are adding up as I fight to keep my little dog with me for as long as possible. I’m not making any headway financially infact feel like I’m going backwards, all of this might affect me studying next year to be an Animal Welfare Investigator as I simply might not be able to afford the fee’s. BUT if I have to pick between having my baby with me for an extra day, week or year over doing the course and changing careers my little dog wins every fucken time!
Here are some random thoughts that I have had that haven’t really made it to a post but I need to get out of my mind –
- My neighbor has a sober blog with over 3,000 followers that is a really good sober blog only problem is she has been back drinking for about a year now ummmmm. This has taught me that you really can’t trust everything that you read online.
- I often wonder how many people are keeping secrets to protect others? I know I feel like I’m often living a big fat lie but have to in order to protect family members from hurt.
- I am missing my friend like crazy this being in a different time zone really sucks but I am also practicing mindfulness by not messaging her every day. My logic behind that is that I don’t want to take up to much of her time as I know she is busy catching up with her friends over there that don’t get to see her while she is living over here.
- Never under estimate the importance of vitamins. I was dumb enough to listen to a friend say that you don’t need them all the time your body should look after itself without adding shit to it blah, blah. Bullshit I say to this, I tried and after two months I was so tired and falling into a dark depression. Now I am a week into womens multi-vitamins and B stress and I really can feel the difference.
- How the hell did I have time to drink previously? Seriously I struggle to get everything done in a day and really, really need more time to keep good contact with friends.
- Something I read that I enjoyed today – Everybody arrives on this planet with unique desires, gifts, and talents, and as you journey through life, your job is to discover what yours are, to nuture them, and to bloom into the most authentic, gleeful, and badassiest version of yourself. – You are a Badass – Jen Sincero
I’m living life sober and I really can’t imagine it any different now. I have no desire to numb my mind like that ever again, there is nothing that would make the price I was paying worth it to drink EVER.
Well today is my anniversary and I have now been sober for 15 months AND it feels fucken amazing. I honestly would not of believed someone if they had told me you are going to become sober and your actually going to end up loving it and not be able to imagine yourself living any other way. Now keeping up with my tradition here is my list of 15 things (1 for each month) I enjoy now I’m living life sober.
- Life – I love living my life, seriously I was just letting it pass me by in my drinking days.
- Counting Blessings – I have so many blessings all around me at any given moment on any given day. I simply failed to notice them while I was drinking.
- Amazing Friends – Being sober and hanging with your friends WITHOUT alcohol totally takes things to a whole new deep and meaningful level. You honestly get to know the real YOU and the real THEM.
- Dreaming – I love day dreaming and being relaxed enough without anxiety to be able to dream, I have some freakin amazing ideas that come from taking the time to dream.
- Dealing With Pain – Sounds odd I know but bear with me, had I not got sober and had I not had an amazing friend (refer # 3) who suggested therapy and I would not of realized that it is NOT my friends job to heal me and deal with past junk. It is my job and it was my job to go out and find myself a good therapist who helped me deal finally face past pain. Friends can HELP but its not their job to sort everything out.
- Freedom – I can get in my car and drive myself anywhere 24/7 I don’t have to wait until I’m not drinking or feel that I am sober enough to drive.
- Acceptance – I used to drink so I didn’t feel things basically to numb and block things out. Now I want to feel it all including the bad, if I’m not willing to feel the bad I am not leaving room for the good to come in.
- Goals – I know how many 50 year old people do you know that don’t or haven’t had any goals???? I have never had goals or dreams or visions to aim for in the future. The future was just something I didn’t think about as I was too busy just planning getting to the next bottle.
- Excitement – I am excited for my future especially my career, I can’t wait until I can start my studies next year and then working as an Animal Welfare Inspector. If just makes so much sense my current job doesn’t anymore.
- Awareness – Being sober it is like someone has opened my eyes and shown me that I am capable of so much more, I can do so much better for myself.
- Improved Health – I am still on blood pressure medication but while I was drinking heavily for years even that was only just keeping it below the danger level. Now without drinking my BP is the lowest I can ever remember it being since they started recording it.
- Self Love – I’m not quite there yet with this one but I have come a bloody long way from hating myself and thinking I was not worthy, I am fucken worthy and I would say I like myself.
- No Desire – I really don’t have any desire to drink anymore and I just don’t see the point nor can I see a reason that would make me think it would be a good idea for me to start again NOTHING, NO REASON.
- Self Care – I am a people pleaser and I used to find it extremely hard to say NO. to anything they would ask me to do for fear of upsetting them. This came at a cost to myself and I have learnt that in order to be a good person to others I have to look after myself first.
- Peace & Calmness – Inner peace and calm is the most incredible feeling and while drinking you just don’t get to experience them. When I was drinking I thought it was when I reached the point that I had drunk just the right amount to feel nothing and be totally numb, that point just before you get totally depressed and start self hating and loathing before passing out. THIS IS NOT PEACEFUL NOR IS IT CALM.
Have you ever had people in your life that you think are freakin awesome and you totally think the sun shines out of their butt? But then, after some event or even after a period of time you start to see the mask drop and see them for who they really are? That has happened to me numerous times in my life and I have thought at times is it my own fault for building people up so highly in my mind that I set them up to fail because you just can’t achieve that level of greatness. Well that was a mouthful but shows you how my mind thinks about things like this, let me give you some examples.
The first person in my life that I totally idolized and thought he was the smartest, coolest and protective person, he was my rock and he is my brother. I guess it’s easy to get caught up looking up to your elder siblings but when your own parents love them more and point out how much better they are than you then you know they have to be something special. Anyway long story short there that illusion all came crashing down when he got so messed up with drugs and his life slowly went to shit and our relationship changed forever when he raped me while in a drugged up state. When I say drugged up I still don’t know if he knows he did it or has any recollection of it and I probably never will. This was my first idol that came crashing down.
Then there was my ex whom I honestly would of died for I thought that he was the kindest, supportive and loyal person I could ever of been blessed to find. We had years of total happiness and once again booze and drugs entered into my idol’s life and he turned nasty with them. He was so jealous and possessive the guys around turn learnt quickly not to talk to me when we were out and he was drinking and drugging. I will never forget one poor guy (who’s father was my boss at the time) getting push off a balcony (thankfully one level up) and falling and breaking both arms. Shit I can’t even believe the life I lived now. Eventually it turned into mental torture along with abuse and again rapes, if I didn’t give him what he wanted willingly it was taken. The relationship just went to shit and he would go out partying and not come home for days and when he did it was always abusive. In the end I walked out of a home that we owned together and moved to another city leaving him the lot I just escaped with my mental sanity. Oh he did manage to give me a parting gift in the form of chlamydia which was from one of the one’s he slept with on those nights he didn’t come home. When I moved it turned out he got one of those strays pregnant. Anyway this was my second idol that came crashing down.
Third idol was a lot different she was someone from the animal rescue world and I became very close to her and being the open and honest person I am shared so much of myself with her. I thought that she was this amazing person in the animal rescue world and that she did so much to help the animals and was so intelligent. This illusion has slowly crumbled as I have realized that she is in rescue for the wrong reasons and basically is using her registered charity rescue to provide everything she needs so she doesn’t have to go and get a job. The rescues that she has have basically become pets that the rescue pays for everything for and even the place she is living in is paid for by the rescue. I see people donating money etc and it breaks my heart as the kindest people are often the one’s that can least afford to be. I wish I had facts to back this up but I don’t it’s just one of those things through comments and actions you think “fuck me your a con artist who knows how to get what you want”. Third idol crashing and burning.
I know that none of these are my fault from building them up so highly but it really does make you weary of thinking to highly of people. When you build someone up so much and you love them so deeply it hurts like hell when you find out they are not who you thought they were. Or are they and it just took a while for their masks to drop??
Living life sober, raw & real has opened my eyes to a lot of things and one of those things is gut instinct. I really do think my gut instinct was living numb along with the rest of me and had it of been allowed to react I am pretty sure the warning signals would of been ringing a lot earlier. Living life drunk there was probably a bloody fire alarm going off in my gut but I just doused it down with more booze. Sobriety and everything that comes with it is a blessing.
“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.” Maya Angelou
I love that quote from Maya and it is something that I feel in my soul, no more, no more just turning up for life. I have wasted so much precious time that now I just don’t want to waste anymore. I think I exhaust myself with all the thinking of things I want to do, learn, try and achieve. I think my hardest thing is realizing that I need to only select some as it might not be possible to do it all but I’m going to give it a bloody good go.
I have had 10 days off work and it has been brilliant spending time at home with my furbabies, spending a couple of days with the SPCA Inspectors, resting and just being. You see I don’t mean it as in doing everything as in running around trying to do “things” I mean it as in living life more aware. I mean bringing in self care, mindfulness, doing what I want to do and if it’s just hanging with my dogs that is what I want to be able to do. It is going to be so hard going back to work tomorrow because that is one aspect of my life that I really do feel like I’m just turning up for. Previously we have talked about this and that while I was living the life of an alcoholic it was enough and I was happy doing it. But now that I am living life sober I could do this job with my hands tied behind my back and there is just no challenge. Thank goodness for the ability to dream and now set goals with wanting to become an SPCA Inspector myself. Only thing is with that I put myself in such bad debt (fucked up thinking if I have no money and am in debt I would not be able to afford to drink – don’t try it, it doesn’t work you will always find money for drinking if that’s what you want to do) I need to work at this job to live and to pay off the debt. That part of my life I am still turning up but I have to so I can pay vet bills, debt and just the cost of living FOR NOW. I can see light at the end of that tunnel but it will take until the end of 2020 if I pass all my exams.
Living life sober, raw & real is so very worth it and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I might be a bit stuck in parts of my past but I have the ability and goals to get myself into a better spot 🙂