I think I know what I want to do but……..

Okay I know I want to work with animals and particularly something that will improve their welfare and also help those that are in need. I am considering studying to become an Animal Welfare Investigator. I want to help the animals and also help the owners that need help. But there is another part of the role which interests me and that in animal abuse and building cases up against the people involved for taking them to court. There is a course at university which goes for the year but it is also available through correspondence and would involve having to go to university a few times during the year for parts that you have to attend. There will also be work within the industry to get experience and to travel with current inspectors.

Now the bit that worries me is that I know that in the pet rescue and welfare roles the level of alcohol abuse is extremely high. Compassion fatigue is very real and often they self medicate to try to numb out what they have had to witness. I also have concerns that although I portray myself as one little tough nut I am actually a very sensitive person who can be hurt so easily. Would this be a wise direction for me to take????? This is something I really want to get into but is it a wise choice for an alcoholic?/

The university course costs $6000 so I would have to figure out how to get that. There are options there though if I can get a placement with the SPCA the course is paid for. There is a couple of grant options I can chase or I do it myself and then there will be more career options for me at the end of it. What to do, what to do. Oh one of grants close for applications at the end of this month so I am thinking I apply for it and see what happens. The grant is for up to $10,000 but I doubt my chances of getting it but it is worth trying for.

My mind is starting to open to possibilities and is searching for answers of what I want to do and this is because and only because I am SOBER if I was still living the numb, drunk and just surviving each day I wouldn’t even have this option to consider. I love living life sober, raw & real, feeling and thinking it all.

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Exactly where I’m at……

This pretty much exactly how I’m feeling, it’s like a combination of scared, excited, anticipation along with a ton of how the fuck do I figure out where I want to go, be, do……..

But hey, if I wasn’t living life sober, raw & real, I wouldn’t even be thinking in this way and for that I am so blessed.

Emotionally Draining

This morning started in my favorite way by getting up at 5.30am and walking my two little heart beats (my dogs) at sunrise. I am finding that this is absolutely my favorite time of the time, the air is still, the slow increasing glow of the rising sun, the peaceful stillness of the neighborhood and 2 happy dogs in front of me, just bliss. Oh and we meet up with our new friend the elderly dog named Boss. He is so lovely and he gets so excited when he see’s us, of cause when he comes over the dogs all do what dogs do and have their rounds of butt sniffing as they do. Seriously gross and thank goodness it’s only a dog thing! But the whole time their tails and all wagging it’s so precious. By the time it was time to go to work I was in such a good mood and everything just felt right in the world.

I sigh even as I write the next part, this all changed when I started my working day. Most of the staff aren’t happy and they really seem to feed off each other with the negativity of it all. It makes it so hard to stay all happy, happy, joy, joy with that sort of atmosphere around you. There is also a lot of back stabbing going on which is horrible as well so I stay out of it all and just work. I kept saying to myself that I will not let them all ruin my beautiful mood and that worked until about lunch time and then I just started to fold. I found myself thinking it’s lonely being the odd one out that doesn’t want to get involved but I would rather be lonely then join in negative chat and have it slowly erode away any happiness I get in knowing that I actually do a bloody good job.

But I really do want to get out of there some how but wish I could figure out how. I am sick and tired of being in that negative environment. My job no longer challenges me, it was challenging enough doing it hung over when I was drinking and so routine that I didn’t need to think about it. I really feel like it is slowly killing my soul, I want to be helping animals, helping people, making a difference not just making more and more money for corporate bosses.

Living life sober, raw & real is the bestest as it is allowing me to see and feel. Without this awakened senses I wouldn’t be noticing stuff like this I would still be just turning up a functioning alcoholic.

A place to just be…….

This image is MY spot when I am feeling stressed, over whelmed, confused, fucked off, lonely, sad, angry etc, etc, etc. I seriously can’t sit up there (any yep I sit up there with my legs fully crossed, arms resting on my legs, straight back) and not find my calm. It is surrounded by bush and you can smell the bush, hear the bird song and the occasional other animal calling. You can hear other people sometimes if they are being loud, like the big mouth loud person that was way down the bottom sitting outside the cafe but after a while of me just sitting and just being I don’t even hear them.

I am very slowly learning the art of meditation, when I say slowly I seriously have the concentration span of a Chimpanzee (they have a 20 second attention span by the way). I often sit there and go breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat. I get to doing this about 3 times and then think hmm do I need to stop and get something anything for dinner???? Holy shit STOP IT, stop thinking, breath in 1, 2, 3, 4 hold it 1, 2, 3, 4 and release 1, 2, 3, 4 and repeat then wonder what I will find waiting for me at work tomorrow, STOP IT!!!! okay, okay I can do this start again……. you know when that friend said that, I wonder what they meant because I took it this way but it could also mean that way, STOP IT fucken hell your getting ridiculous now!!! Okay I can do this, let’s start again ……………… no, no don’t start thinking, let it go……………….I can manage a minute or two and even that feels surprisingly good. Hey when I first started it was a miracle if I got to 30 seconds without giving up.

This bush is at an old quarry site and also has the most amazing tropical garden, this is my go to place when I need to escape or if I have things that I am struggling with and my busy mind is twisting it. This place slows it all down and lets me think (or not think when I do the above) in a much more relaxed state.

Guess what????? I probably never would of found this place NOR bothered to visit it had I still been drinking. Yet another pure pleasure I have from living life sober, raw & real, God I love being sober.

Sober Life Rocks

Okay in my posts along with musing about this and that and releasing messed up things out of my mind you will also see how much better life is living it raw and real 100% sober. Sleep is better, anxiety levels are better, depression is better, blood pressure is better, errrrr toilet visits are better (if your a hard drinker you will know what I’m on about), relationships are better, your judgement is better, your reliability is better and the list just goes on. But some days I often just notice the small things and this morning was one of those times.

This morning I woke up early (for a weekend) and thought about either rolling back over and going back to sleep or reading a book for a while. But then I thought nah, let’s get up have a shower and take the dogs for a walk while it is still cool. The temperatures are so freakin hot and the humidity is off the scale so it doesn’t take to long into the morning for it to simply be to hot to walk them. It was lovely and cool when we left and everything was so peaceful with the majority of houses in the neighborhood still all closed up and curtains pulled. I live in a beautiful area that has plenty of trees both on the sidewalks and on peoples properties. Through the trees I actually noticed the sky and it was beautiful with pink all through the clouds. The air was fresh, cool and there was a gentle breeze. The dogs wiggly butts in front of me never fails to make me smile and they often pause to stop and sniff. They will often stop sniffing and look at me with pure joy on their faces before they trot on to the next smell. See no matter what time I take my dogs for a walk it is their walk so they can stop and sniff as much as they want. To interupt a dog sniffing is like someone coming along when you are in the middle of a good part in a book and just closing the book on you. There was a lady out jogging with her very elderly dog who asked if it would be okay if he got to say hi to mine. She was lovely and explained how her dog was her life and that even though he was old he still managed to jog 10 kilometers each day. What a lovely old chap he was and his Mum glowing with love for him made my morning even better. The whole walk was just peaceful and I made a conscious effort to just stay in the moment. By the time we got near home I could feel the heat starting to rise and it was just perfect.

If I had of still been drinking there is no way in hell I would be up early in the morning on a weekend. I would of hit the bottle hard telling myself I deserved it after such a hard week at work AND to celebrate it being Friday. I would of stayed in bed later after having had a crappy nights sleep and feeling cloudy head and depending on the level of my drinking feeling ill. I totally would of missed spending that precious time with my dogs out walking enjoying life because by the time I would of got up it would of been far to hot to go anywhere.

This post might seem boring but to me it is a reminder of just how much better life is and that it’s the little things that make it just so bloody worth it. Living life sober, raw & real is 100% a better life for me.

Victim versus Survivor

The other night when I blogged about preferring to be called a survivor rather than a victim when it comes to being raped. It’s because to me calling me a victim is giving more power to the people that did this to me, but calling me a survivor is giving me the power. I have taken my power back they have no control over me and never will, ever again.

There is however another side I didn’t think about and a dear friend shared with me, not sharing the whole convo but this part slapped me awake –
“I absolutely agree with how you’re thinking around your parents and wanting to protect them. They are also victims in this, after all. He raped their daughter.” I thought oh holy shit they are victims in this and I have been so wrapped up in myself I hadn’t even thought of that. But after thinking and thinking I have decided oh well they could be if they ever found out about it but I am determined that they won’t find out. If they ever found out they would be so very upset, naturally. But I am determined that they will never find out and by doing so I am not giving anymore power to the whole thing.

Sorry only a brief muse tonight as it has been a full on week. Living life freakin sober, raw & real is so fucken awesome.

And I thought I didn’t have a problem…….

I shudder now when I think back to my drinking days when I actually believed that I didn’t have a problem. Well actually I still didn’t believe it for a while after I stopped drinking. Seriously now that I am living a sober life how could I of not seen that I was an alcoholic?? It is so blindingly obvious now and to think that I thought I just had a faulty off switch but that I was really still under control is well I was going to say laughable but it’s not funny. Let me share with you one of my “episodes” where I partied like it was 1999 and thought it was just living life to the full.

I started the party with beers and it was at a friends place out of town and I was staying the night so knew that I didn’t have to worry about driving home that night. We were all going pretty hard starting early in the afternoon with great music and a BBQ on a beautiful sunny day. I was functionally pissed from my beers and upped my game by switching onto Sambuca. Didn’t waste my time with a glass just drank it straight out of the bottle, yummy yum (that would of been what I was thinking) I remember being fucken hilarious (I was probably more like a pain in the arse that they weren’t laughing with but at if I think about it now). At some stage I can’t remember if I dropped the bottle or if I whacked the bottom on something but the base cracked. My friend helped me out and rather than letting it all go to waste we emptied it into a preserving jar and I just kept on drinking out of that. Now at some stage I must of wandered off, I probably just wanted peace because I reach a level like that were I just have to get away from people. We think (notice the think) that I went up the road to a reserve and the reason we think that is what I did was the injuries that I came back with. Anyway I have absolutely no idea where I went nor what I did I hope that I passed out somewhere and slept but God only knows. What ever I got up to I arrived home later that night and I was filthy and a rambling drunk. My friend suggested chucking me into the shower to sober up and for some reason I liked that idea and just started stripping off, yep right in the room with people in it. Thank goodness for my friend as lucky for me she jumped up and pushed me into the bathroom and into the shower. I have no idea how long she left me in there nor how I got from there to the spare bed but I did.

The next day I woke up feeling like absolute crap & in pain and the thought of the long drive home just didn’t feel like an option. The pain was coming from my legs and when my friend came in and looked at them they were black with bruising all up the shins. Now these injuries are mainly why they think I must of gone up to the reserve, you see there are cattle grates that you have to get across and they reckon in my state I must of fallen in them. It would of jammed my legs as I fell through, it would also help explain why I was so filthy. Everyone decided that they would go to the beach and do some swimming and drinking. I thought oh well the drive to the beach wasn’t anywhere near as far as home and a swim would feel so good. That’s right, not at all proud of myself now and didn’t give it a second thought I drove and I still would of been drunk for sure. Once at the beach they all started to crack open the beers again, I just could not face it at all and decided to go for a swim. I felt so ill, the beach was full of people and there was really no where for me to go for a spew. I swam and swam way out deep where there was no one and I spewed and kept on spewing. I remember I had to keep diving under the surface and swimming further over so I wasn’t surrounded by my own spew. I really have no idea how the hell I didn’t drown on that day. I am a good swimmer but not when I’m drunk, hung over and with fucked legs. In the afternoon we all went back to my friends so they could get stuck in drinking again. I was due home by then and knew that my ex would be furious that I hadn’t come home in the morning so I drove home instead, shit I doubt I would of been able to drink anymore anyway!!!!

That was one example of my “problem drinking” and it was a bad one, I suffered from a true black out and there is a period that I will never know what happened. I do know that I had to go to the doctors with my legs and after xrays it turned out that I had crushed my shins, that took a long time to heal. I think I just had quiet drinks, you know like cut back and only had 3 or 4 a night for a few nights afterwards. Hmmm and this girl didn’t think she was an alcoholic!!! Seriously I am as alcoholic as an alcoholic can be. I’m not ashamed to say that I’m an alcoholic anymore it’s just a fact.

I am now living life sober, raw & real, and thank God for that. Why go over the bad times you might be asking yourself? Because it is important that I never forget the bad times and never live with just the good memories of drinking. I have to keep it real and remember just how shit it really was.